Original subtitles

Is it true the mayor is running for the senate?

Excellent question...

very topical... Very challenging.

Before I answer,

let me just take a drink of water.

As to whether the mayor will be making any announcements,

the answer is "no comment."

Mr. Flaherty!

I think what Mike means is "no."

"Comment."

Not "no comment." Just plain "no."

"Comment."

Okay, next question.

Do you think the fact

that miss Moore and you hate each other

will hurt the mayor's campaign?

Okay, well, t-that's an excellent question.

It's very challenging...

It's very, very topical.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

"With the feud

"between miss Moore and Mr. Flaherty raging,

"the question is,

will there ever be peace at city..."

"...hall."

What do the two of you have to say for yourselves?

Well, sir, I don't know where they get this stuff,

because, uh, we're just teasin' each other.

Right, teasing... like when I say,

"hey, Mike, your playgroup called.

Pool party's on. Don't forget your floaties."

O-or like when I say, uh,

"hey, Caitlin, it's getting dark outside.

"Shouldn't you be in the woods,

terrorizing student filmmakers?"

Or when I walk in on my cleaning lady buck naked.

So, next item...

choosing the location for your official announcement.

I'm thinking statue of liberty, me at your side,

Caitlin back at the office, blowing up balloons.

See, I was thinking upstate farmhouse,

me at your side,

Mike back at the office blowing up his date.

All right, all right, that's enough bickering!

You know, what you two need is couples counseling.

It worked wonders for me and my wife.

Sir, she slept with your brother

and, uh, tried to poison you.

Stuart!

Here's the multilingual "kick me" sign

you put on my back.

Luigi, chao lin, and running bear

all got their kicks in.

I'm sick of your practical jokes.

Paul... You're right.

No more.

Good.

Well...

One more.

[LAUGHING] He got you again, Paul.

Oh, uh, James, can I get that pen back?

Sure.

[CHUCKLES]

Stuart, that is the eighth and final time I fall for that!

James, you have something on your face.

Here?

Uh, other side.

There you go.

Thanks, buddy.

You know what, James?

We should team up, join forces,

beat Stuart at his own game.

With our combined brainpower, he can't beat us!

You with me, buddy?

Yeah!

We're stuck, aren't we?

Oh, yeah.

Mike...

Mike, what is this all about?

Since when do I wine and dine millionaires for donations?

You're a natural for the job.

Y-y-you're urbane, sophisticated, witty.

He's black, isn't he?

Little bit.

Black millionaire... count me in!

Me too!

Hey, off my black millionaire!

His name is Nick Mitchell.

Mike wants him to donate computers to city schools.

"Janelle Mitchell."

[LAUGHS] Can't want to meet him...

And marry him.

Can't wait till he leaves you for his trophy wife.

All we pretend to get along in front of this therapist,

and the mayor will get off our backs.

Okay. But I don't know much about therapy. Do you?

Why would I know anything about therapy?

Hey, Mike. Good to see you again.

So... The mayor says

the two of you are having trouble working together.

Yeah, well, see, this is ridiculous.

I mean, just this morning,

uh, Caitlin was telling me h-how good-looking I am.

Yes, Mike, I was going on and on.

Well, we're good to go.

Uh, before you go, let's try a little exercise.

I call it "the safe box."

Well, is there a phone in the safe box?

First, let me show you how it works.

I'm now in the safe box.

I'm now doing an exercise called "keeping a straight face."

Mike...

When you're in the safe box, no one's allowed to attack you,

so you can say exactly what you feel.

For instance...

Mike, when you belittle my therapeutic techniques,

it hurts.

I-I-I-I... can I give it a...

yeah, I wish you would.

Just, uh...

there we go.

"Boo-hoo-hoo!

I'm a lame therapist!"

"A mean patient is belittling my techniques and my box!"

"They didn't prepare me for this at fake-doctor school!"

You're right... the box rocks.

The only reason I got into this

was because I love technology.

Suddenly, I'm sitting on millions.

But you know what I realized?

That it's all meaningless

without someone to share it with?

No...

that people find my jokes a lot funnier now.

Oh! Oh!

That's good!

That's really...

Know what I want to know about technology?

Are you single?

Uh, I'm also fascinated with technology.

So, are you?

Actually, my partner and I recently called it quits.

But what about you, Carter?

Surely you must be taken.

And there it is.

No, no, I-I'm not taken.

Care to join me for a smoke at the bar?

Hmm?

Sure.

Excuse us.

I don't want to brag...

But I think I'm winning.

Hey, Stuart! Come here!

Check out my office! It's really cool!

Come! Check it out!

Sure.

Oh, boy, this is gonna be great!

You and me, partner... straight to the top!

A-a-nd break! A-a-nd break!

What's so cool in here?

Check out the desk chair.

Yeah, Stuart, check out the desk chair.

Wow!

Very comfortable.

Thanks, guys.

I don't get it.

[IMITATING THE ROAD RUNNER] Meep meep!

Buh-luh-luh-luh-luh-luh!

Morning, sir.

Uh, Caitlin, Michael.

I was talking to tom.

He thinks the conflict in your relationship

revolves around me!

That's ridiculous!

Yeah!

Is it possible that you have some inner turmoil

that the two of them are picking up on?

Ever since this senate thing came up,

I have had trouble sleeping.

Maybe you're anxious about a decision.

Are you saying I don't want to run?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Easy there, "quack in the box"!

Of course he wants to run!

That's why he works so hard

and never has a chance to meet the right guy!

Just last night... I had this dream

that I was walking down the street of Washington, d.c.,

and the capitol building came out of the sky

and smashed me again and again and again!

Somebody wants to be senator!

There may be another way to interpret that.

Maybe I don't want to be a senator.

Good. Go there. Explore.

No, no... stay here. Stare at the floor.

That's it!

I never wanted to be a senator.

I'm out of the race!

I'd like to introduce you to a technique...

I call "the ass-whuppin' box"!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, hey, that's good, sir.

Clear your head with a little practice-putting.

My putting's fine, Mike.

Fore!

Aah!

Want to try one?

Uh, no, sir.

A-after lunch, I've got skeet shooting in the cafeteria.

Ever since I decided to give up this senate run,

it's like this great weight

has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I'm going to learn to paint, plant a garden...

Listen to the great books.

B-but, sir...

W-what about your lifelong dream of taking me to Washington?

You got to do this, sir.

Give me one good reason, Mike.

You know what? I'll give you 5,000.

The campaign buttons came. Y-you want to see one?

The only button I care about now, Mike,

is the one marked "play" that starts a good book.

At least think about it.

Don't need to! My mind's made up!

In fact, I am gonna go out and tell the first reporter I see

that Randall Winston is out of the Senate Race!

You know what? I-I'll go tell the reporter.

You stay here and practice your, uh... D-driving.

Am I late?

Nope.

The solid-gold hand is on the diamond-encrusted 9.

Wow! Where did you get that?!

Nick bought it for me...

As a memento of the day he bought me this suit.

Hey, Carter, you look like you slept with a million bucks.

So, Carter, how is your sugar daddy?

Excuse me... he is not a sugar daddy!

He's a wealthy, older man

who takes me out on dates and buys me stuff.

Apparently, you're the only one he buys things for,

because, according to this,

he's never given a cent to charity.

Huh!

Oh, my God!

How could I fall for someone who doesn't do charity work?

Wouldn't bother me.

Stuart, dating you is charity work.

Jeez, I don't know, fellas.

If Stuart gave me a face-mister, I'd be suspicious.

What do you propose we do about this?

Go to a Knicks game.

Well, Mike, this is it.

"Goodbye" always sounds so final,

so... Goodbye.

What are you doing?! Y-you can't quit!

Mike, you heard the man... he doesn't want to be senator.

You think he wanted to be mayor?

He still thinks he's in the witness-protection program.

We got to get him back in the race.

We can't even order a pizza without fighting.

Meatless, cheeseless, sauceless is not pizza... it's bread.

See what I mean?

Tell you what...

why don't we, uh, try this, uh, "safe box" thing?

Oh, even you're not a big-enough idiot

to buy into that psychobabble.

Caitlin, when you talk down to me...

I-it frustrates me, and it erodes my confidence.

Oh, my God!

You're in the box right now, aren't you?

Come in.

Join me.

No.

I can't change the mayor's mind myself!

I need you!

What did you say?

The door was open. You heard me.

Fine. [SIGHS]

W-w-watch your head.

Okay, I'm in.

Now what?

Well, uh...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Y-you know, my parents won't be home till 10:00.

Nick... I was just curious...

what are some of your favorite charities?

Oh, I don't believe in charity.

Carter...

If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.

If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.

That's the most self-serving argument I ever heard!

Carter, this is who I am.

I can't just change.

Then, uh...

I'm sorry, Nick.

As much as I like you,

my principles won't permit me to see you again.

Oh.

I don't suppose I could change your mind

with this?

No. You can't.

But thank you.

Excuse me, sir, you got a minute?

Let me just finish this chapter.

Ahh.

Brilliant!

Sir, anyone who says

"the hunt for red October" can't be improved upon

hasn't heard, uh... Rosie Perez... Read it.

Hey, you'll never guess who we ran into in the lobby...

alfonse d'amato!

Hey, big Al!

Randy, how you doing?

We asked Al to tell you how much fun he had being a senator.

I thought you wanted me to tell him how much fun I've had

since I've stopped being senator.

I play poker all the time,

I'm happier than ever, I'm richer than ever.

It's fantastic!

Tell me being senator wasn't even better.

Well, it was different.

Now when people wave to me, they use all five fingers.

Okay, Al, we'll let you get back to your poker game.

Well, I'd like to tell you...

the one thing that kept me going

was the outside chance that I might make a tiny difference.

Sorry you had to hear that, sir.

You know, Mike, I'd like to make a tiny difference!

Y-you would?

Yeah. It's something I've just been mulling over.

T-tiny difference...

I-I-I like it! That's good!

Go there! Explore!

That's it! I'm back in the race!

Jeez, Stuart, what happened to you?

Remember that woman I was seeing...

the one married to the bouncer?

Last night, when I went home, he was waiting for me.

I have no idea how he found out.

[LAUGHING] Do you want to know how he found out?

[LAUGHS] We told him!

Gotcha!

That's not a practical joke, you idiots!

I'm really hurt! I may have a concussion!

Yes! Score!

And that's not all!

We also called your mother!

You told my mother I was sleeping with a married woman?!

We told her you were ÷ dead!

You guys are crazy!

I got to go see my mother!

We rule!

[LAUGHS]

[DOG SNARLING]

STUART: Hey! Down, boy! I don't have any drugs on me!

That's what you think!

Carter. There you are.

Oh, Nick.

I think you should pretend I'm a social problem

and ignore me.

Well, I can't ignore you, Carter.

That's why first thing this morning...

I donated $50 million to charity.

You gave away all your money for me?!

No, I gave away $50 million.

That means a lot to me.

Can I have a car?

So, Mr. mayor, just to review...

you'll make the announcement alone,

then you'll lead the press out here,

where you'll join Mike and I for a reception with cake.

Oh, before I go out there,

I'd like to clear up an important issue...

devil's-food, sir... with strawberry filling.

No, I was going to ask you about my gun-control policy.

Just kidding. Delicious!

Mike!

I'm going to need a few sick days.

I just came down with a case of...

I'm going to Paris with Nick!

Congratulations.

Guess it's just the week for unlikely couples.

What's that supposed to mean?

Please... like somebody and somebod y

didn't go to great lengths to stay near each other.

Oh, well... au revoir!

Well...

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

And I've walked in on Paul singing

"don't cry for me, Argentina."

All I care about is keeping the mayor in the Senate Race.

Working with you is like an occupational hazard.

If it's an occupational hazard,

why don't you stop riding my coattails?

Oh, I'm riding your coattails,

Mr. "don't leave! I need you!"

I was in the box!

That's just unfair.

You know, you are such...

ooh! Can't insult me! I'm in the box!

You're coming out of the box right now!

[GASPS]

...who work harmoniously together

in pursuit of an almost-sacred goal...

MIKE: Hey, you ripped my shirt!

Wait, wait, wait, Mike!

This is the mayor's big day! We'll ruin everything!

All right. You're right.

You're right. I just, uh...

I lost my head for a second.

Hyah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, what have I done?!

It's okay.

It's all right.

We just lost control.

I'm gonna teach you a little something about class...

About dignity.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Now I'd like you all to meet the brains behind my campaign

and have some cake.

Hi.

Mike Flaherty.

Caitlin Moore.

So...

Doritos.

Oh, yeah. I've got everything.

I've got stacks of snacks.

[LAUGHING] Stacks of snacks!

[LAUGHING] That's really...

there's something I've always wondered

about the vending industry...

are you single?

Yes.

Hey, Bruce!

And there it is!

There what is?

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)