Original subtitles

Oh my God Heidi Nikki is here!

She gets mad when I have chips in bed.

NIKKI: Mike?

You expecting a photographer?

Yeah, uh, it's playgirl's "men of city hall" issue.

There's, uh, this...

And, uh, this...

And, of course, I wouldn't be earning my money

if I didn't give 'em this.

Okay... Stud.

Do you want bacon or sausage with your eggs?

Give me both.

My doctor says my arteries are too wide.

[SIGHS]

Heidi, what happened last night?

The last thing I can remember is...

is graduating from college!

All I remember

is that you drank more beer than any man I've ever seen...

and I used to sling steins at octoberfest.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

[DRUNKENLY] You sure you can get home all right?

[DRUNKENLY] Oh, yeah.

It's only a couple blocks that way...

Or 25,000 Miles that way.

Come on!

I'll take you home.

NIKKI: Mike!

Oh, y-you know what?

W-we don't have time for this.

But it's all ready.

Yeah, well, uh, that's great.

Breakfast on the go.

Don't you want a plate?!

Jeez, why don't we take a private jet to work?!

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Okay, people, update on the mayor's potential bid

for the United States senate.

We got the results of our first poll since we floated the idea.

41% think Randall Winston is senate material.

38% are undecided.

9% said they have... On occasion...

Faked an orgasm.

Stuart, you're off poll-taking.

You wouldn't believe what people will tell you,

if you're holdin' a clipboard.

As the mayor's campaign manager,

I have additional responsibilities.

Today, James and I will be accompanying the mayor

to a tedious, all-day strategy session.

You said we were going to the yankee game.

Oh, no! Aw! What?!

Come on! Come on!

It's not gonna be that great.

You promised it was gonna be great.

Roger clemens is pitching,

Bruce Springsteen is singing the national anthem,

we got front-row seats.

Oh, and I forgot, it's pie day.

Huh? I heard "pie." Then what?

Final item... today is the deadline

to qualify for the free life-insurance policy.

You just have to pass a physical exam.

Huh? I heard "free." Then what?

No physical for me, Mike.

Back home my doctor used to use a hand puppet.

To entertain kids?

No.

All right. Everybody out.

Uh, Mike... You okay?

You're acting a little weird.

Weird? No, I'll tell you what's weird.

Aquaman... t-that's weird.

I mean, how many crimes are committed underwater?

My mistake.

Yeah. Okay.

What was that all about?

You ever break up with a guy, go out with another guy,

have a few drinks and in the morning,

that guy is lying next to you wearing a bra and panties?

Oddly, yes.

What are you trying to say?

Well, Carter, that guy is Heidi Klum.

You cheated on Nikki?!

I don't know!

I woke up today and Heidi and I were spooning.

Which spoon were you?

Back.

That's the cheatin' spoon.

Now I got to avoid Nikki all day

until I can figure out what happened.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Drink it!

It's something to help your hangover.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Let's get those pants off you.

All right, Carter, let me ask you something.

Anybody ever take your pants off

you didn't end up spending the night with?

My tailor.

No, wait.

Stuart!

Stuart.

Pretend you're me for the physical exam

for the insurance policy.

Why? You're in...

Some shape.

I would never pass the physical.

Y-you see, my heart is missing a ventricle.

So what do you say?

I say no.

If not for me,

how about for Claudia?

No.

Well, what about our future children?

The children... they need us so.

Nah!

All right, look.

Stuart, I'm not gonna beg, okay?

Paul lassiter doesn't beg.

I'm beggin' you. Come on, please!

[ORGAN PLAYS "CHARGE!"]

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Shouldn't I be in a luxury skybox, Mike?

Sir, you want to be down here, where you're one of the people.

Can't I be one of the rich p eople?

Yay! Yay! Whoo!

You know, Mike, it seems

this Roger "cleemens" fellow is doing pretty well.

Sir, he's on the brink of a perfect game.

It's the rarest achievement in all of sports.

This will get national coverage.

They're gonna see future-senator Randall Winston

out here among the people who love him.

MAN: The mayor sucks!

Don't let it bother you, sir. They're just words.

The deputy mayor sucks!

You want a piece of me, meathead!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

This is it.

One more out, Roger clemens has a perfect game.

[BAT CRACKS]

Ahh! Boo! Boo!

Boo! Boo! Boo!

Why do their cheers sound like boos, Mike?

Sir, that would have been the history-making last out.

But we're okay as long as the batter doesn't get a...

[BAT CRACKS]

...hit.

Boo! Boo! Boo!

Mr. lassiter, you are in perfect health.

Here is your policy.

That being said...

How dare you!

Aw, come on.

Guys can't control that.

Ah, she'll be back...

Just like my dentist.

Ha! Paul... one, system... nothing.

Wait, wait, wait. There's a mistake.

Under beneficiary, you wrote your n ame.

That's not a mistake.

That's against the law!

Kind of like, um, what's the word I'm looking for...

insurance fraud?!

Come on! Let's go turn ourselves in!

Wait, wait, wait.

We can't turn ourselves in.

I'd never make it in prison.

I-I-I can't bathe in front of other men.

Paul, calm down.

You don't want to tax that ventricle.

That's just what you want, isn't it...

so you can get all my money?!

It's not gonna happen!

I'll live forever, just to spite you!

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

It's just too easy, is what it is.

NIKKI: Hey, Mike...

Hey, Nik.

That jacket I borrowed this morning.

Uh-huh.

I found this earring stuck on it.

Oh, uh, that... that's mine.

Your ear isn't pierced.

Sure, it is.

Now.

CHRIS BERMAN: Today at yankee stadium,

mayor Randall "you lose some, you" Winston

snatched defeat from the jaws of victory,

turning a perfect game into a perfect shame.

Boo! Boo! Boo!

Nothing stings like a pun.

Sir, d-don't worry.

As your campaign manager, I've got this under control.

Mike, we need to hire a full-time campaign manager

so you can get back to the job of helping me run this city.

We need someone who can dedicate themselves full time, like me.

I plan on being in here before 11:00...

...and burning the 5:00 oil.

And when I say a 2-hour lunch,

I mean a 2-hour lunch.

You're overreacting. This "perfect game" thing is over.

Uh, you guys should watch this.

What do I think of the mayor?

Well, there's probably kids watching,

so let's just say he's a [BLEEP, BLEEP]

You're mine, Winston!

Okay, now it's over.

Hire someone.

MAN: Meanwhile, nicklaus, Palmer, and...

So I guess you're not running the campaign.

Yeah, and doesn't that [BLEEP, BLEEP]

I can't believe this.

I built this campaign from the ground up.

Now some campaign manager I have to hire

is gonna come in and take all the credit.

We've passed on every qualified candidate we've seen.

I'm just looking for someone who'll fit in.

You mean a puppet for you to control.

Who'll fit in.

I'm looking for Mike Flaherty.

James carville! I'm Carter Heywood.

Carville... Carville... Why is that name stuck in my head?

Maybe that Clinton '92 presidential campaign?

No.

Ehud barak's recent victory in Israel?

No.

You're not thinking of the carvel ice cream guy, are you?

Bingo.

You ever run a senate campaign?

Half a Baker's dozen or so.

And consulted with the prime minister of Greece

and a bunch of races in central, South America.

Can't hold a steady job.

I was campaign manager of the year in 1993.

You're trying too hard, Jim.

Thanks for coming by.

You know, I wrote two books.

So did Ethan hawke.

So... you want to explain that earring now?

Uh, the earring, actually...

oh, before you start,

you should know that the initials "h. K."

Are engraved on the back.

You should probably also know that Heidi Klum just called.

[HONKS]

Oh, God. Ohh!

Stuart, please!

My blood is like pudding!

I'm sorry, buddy. That was beneath me.

[HONKS]

So was that.

What's it gonna take for Claudia to be my beneficiary?

50 bucks... And your shoes.

So, like, 58 bucks?

Thank you.

Let me guess...

too articulate, too well-rounded?

Hey, you want him lording his nobel prize over us every day?

Trust me, when the right person walks through that door...

Oh, I am so sorry I'm late.

...I will know it.

Hi, I'm Mike Flaherty. This is Carter Heywood.

Hi. I'm Caitlin Moore.

I have been walking around for 20 minutes.

I thought city hall would have a bigger sign.

She thought city hall would have a bigger sign.

Do you have a résumé?

Yeah!

There we go.

Whoa! University of Massachusetts...

great party school.

You've been involved in some solid campaigns...

woonsocket city council,

the mayoral race in braintree... you came in third.

We kicked the green party's butt.

I heard her, I heard her.

So, now, Caitlin, what makes you think

that you can run the mayor's campaign?

Run the campaign? You mean help run it.

I assumed I'd be working with yo u

and learning from you.

That you would.

That you would.

I think I may be ill!

Oh, but you know what I'm great at already?

It's that thing where you ask a bunch of people

all sorts of questions and you see what they say.

You mean a "poll"?

This is the big leagues.

You're hired.

Why don't we just go and meet the mayor?

M-Mike?!

Oh, Carter, shut up!

Can you believe it?

She's not the most qualified.

She's not the best candidate.

You're right. She is hot.

Sir, I'd like you to meet your new campaign manager.

I think you'll find her completely... Adequate.

Caitlin Moore, sir.

Randall Winston.

I'm the mayor of New York.

It's a pleasure, sir.

And it will be an honor to run your campaign.

Help... help... help run the campaign.

Of course I'll enjoy working with a fellow Ivy leaguer.

Ivy league? You went to the university of Massachusetts.

Oh, that's a typo.

It should read "university in Massachusetts."

You know, ha-a-a-rvard.

C-Caitlin, can I... can I just talk to you...

Mister mayor, I have been following your career

since your city-council days.

You are so progressive on healthcare and tort reform.

And you always stood out

in that cool suede vest and those thick sideburns.

I was kind of the "bad boy" of the council.

I also have an extensive...

drug problem.

I think I may still have

a couple of those campaign frisbees from '76.

That's the only year I don't have.

[IMITATING] That's the only year I don't have.

Okay, Sybil...

I want to talk to the ditz from woonsocket.

I knew you'd never hire someone who'd threaten your power.

There is no way you're getting this job.

Michael, I'm gonna run this campaign,

I'm gonna win it, and you can't stop me.

All right, let's not get so dramatic, okay?

This is not some cheesy soap opera.

There is no way a man as serious as the mayor is ever...

WINSTON: Incoming!

Uh, sir, uh, listen...

Roger clemens is here, and he is not happy.

Tell him to wait a minute.

You tell him.

Winston, we have a score to settle.

Uh, well, you're, uh, gonna have to go through me first.

It's not my finest hour.

Roger clemens... the rocket,

five-time cy young award winner.

I'm Caitlin Moore. I work for the mayor.

Hi, Roger.

Roger, you should know,

the mayor is a huge fan of yours.

He almost destroyed his political career

just to catch a ball you pitched.

But he ruined my perfect game.

You threw the hanging curve. You should've brought the heat.

That's right. I did shake off the heat.

Don't beat yourself up.

Hey, you know what would be fun?

If we got a picture of this.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Winston, next time... skybox.

Gotcha. You flinched.

Very impressive, Caitlin.

Y-you tricked a jock. I'm in awe.

Sir, we still have a problem

with millions of angry yankee fans.

If only we had a photograph of the mayor and Roger

making nice to give to the press.

[GASPS] Oh! We do.

Welcome aboard.

Mike, why don't you give Caitlin a little tour?

Sure.

Let's start with the roof.

I was just gonna call you.

I'm not leaving here until you tell me what went on

with you and Heidi Klum that night.

All right. Well, that's fair enough.

First, w-why don't I set the mood, okay?

A little music...

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Dim the lights...

Open a bottle of wine...

Mike, what is going on with you?

I-I want to tell you what happened,

I just can't remember.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

[DRUNKENLY] I'm gonna put these in here.

Then, in a couple hours, I'll have a "pant-sicle."

Ha ha!

[GROANS]

Ah, mein kopf.

Well?

Mike, you're so sweet.

Nikki's a really lucky girl.

Thanks.

I'm gonna go sleep on the couch.

But I'll tell you something, Heidi,

if I were single,

you'd be hard pressed to say no...

To this.

Fine, then I'm outta here.

No, Nik, Nik, Nik, wait.

I remember now.

Um, I got really drunk with Heidi,

so she brought me home.

She spilled a drink on my pants, so I had to take them off.

And we both passed out in bed, but all we did was spoon.

Which spoon were you?

I was the back spoon.

The cheatin' spoon!

Come on, Nikki, Nikki, Nikki, come on!

Come on! We only spooned!

We didn't fork!

I got back the results from my... your physical,

and look, look... you have this, and this,

and I only thought horses got that.

How is this possible? I've been so careful.

Bangkok!

Stuart, you okay? Y-you look pale.

Excuse me.

Oh, it's just too easy, that's what it is.

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)