Original subtitles

[theme music]

[indistinct shouting]

[screaming]

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

Let's do it. Wait.

[music continues]

Here we go.

- Yeah! Alright! - Alright.

You know, I think we got a pretty good shot

against Wickman Insurance this year.

'Huh, guess they're big hockey fans.'

Hey, Gordon, Gordon, Gordon, catch this.

They're on their knees.

[laughing]

(Gordon) 'Wow, look at Angela.'

'She's got the rest of those girls'

'so outclassed.'

She's beautiful and smart.

[sighs] 'The way she glides around out there'

'it's like she's dancing.'

'Every single move is so graceful.'

(Freddy) 'Oh, please.'

(Gordon) 'I mean it. She's like, watching a ballerina. She's perfect.'

'Like a work of art, like something out of a dream.'

(Freddy) 'You know, I'm surprised, she can skate it all'

'on that poor pedestal you got her on.'

'A girl like that deserves to be the pedestal.'

Oh, would you forget her?

'She's just, she's just another girl, not some Goddess.'

(Gordon) 'You don't know her.'

(Freddy) 'I-I keep forgetting how tight you two are.'

We have a very special relationship.

Hey, you asked her out twice, and she turned you down twice.

'You know, I'm-I'm no big expert on romance'

'but I think she may be trying to tell you something.'

It's just that, you know, she doesn't go out

with guys at work, that's all.

'She doesn't want people to think that she's, you know..'

(Freddy) 'Dating her way to the top?'

(Gordon) 'She's got a reputation to think of.'

Oh, then I guess Schneider's got

some kind of executive exemption.

How could she do this? He's suck a jerk.

(Freddy) 'Yeah, but he's a jerk with a future.'

'Why bother with a couple of juniors sales reps'

when you can have the vice president?

He's nothing but a brown-nosing corporate creep.

(Freddy) 'I know, well she's just going'

for the gold, like everybody else.

I'm sure they all want a sensitive, caring kind of guy.

Mostly the sensitive, caring kind of guy

who earn six figures a year.

[music continues]

What do you want with an uptight secretary

when we have creatures like that?

Oh, yeah, look at her.

Young and healthy. And she can really skate.

Hmm.

Oh, I'd like to slip my puck past her little blue line.

'That's one natural and one free spirit'

'and earthy andveryi

'Well, that takes incredible muscle control.'

'And-and a certain amount of courage.'

(Gordon) 'Courage?'

(Freddy) 'Yeah, hey, this is a public place.'

'It takes guts to be that free and open.'

Hey, pal. This is your lucky night.

'She can come on to you for weeks.'

She's not my type.

Oh, well, excuse me.

I'm sorry, I forgot you wouldn't be content

with just a... better than average looking chick.

You have to have Miss Perfect.

It's just a personal preference, okay?

Oh, sure, if you're fightin' 'em off.

But you're not.

Look, face it. The girls you want, don't want you.

Thanks, pal.

Hey, look, I'm being your friend.

Just kiss your fantasy goodbye and get real.

Get..

'Now t-that's real.'

'But-but no, you gotta keep looking for a blonde Goddess'

'so perfect that she'd have to be programed by a computer.'

[crickets chirping]

[instrumental music]

[car door slams]

[intense music]

[burps]

Hope he didn't buy off more than he can chew.

[laughing]

So you're looking for an attractive young woman

to share your life with.

Someone who is willing to commit themselves

to a loving but monogamous relationship.

Yeah.

On the weekends, anyway.

If you'll come right over here, Gordon..

Gordon, Gordo? Gordy. Yes, that's much better.

Sit down, right over here, Gordy

so we can do a video presentation.

Is this extra?

The video and all the other extras

are included in our "Saturday Night Special."

Now, we don't get a second chance at first impression

so it's very important

that we show you in your very best light.

Relax.

Just look into the camera.

[sighs]

Sit straight, not stiff.

That's it.

Smile.

Too much.

Good.

You're squinting, Gordy. Don't squint.

'Now, you're gonna tell us all about your life.'

'Very naturally. Just as if you were sitting in your own home.'

We're rolling tape.

Okay, um..

[clears throat] Hi, I'm Gordon.

Gordy.

Okay. Hi, I'm Gordy.

Hi, I'm Gordy.

And I work for, um

Springwood Mutual Causality And Life...

- Cut. - What?

I think we can do better than that.

But that's what I do, I sell insurance.

'But that's not what you'd really like to be doing.'

That's not who you'd really like to be.

No! No, I would rather be, uh, Van Halen.

Traveling around the country, and-and-and playing drums

and fighting off groupies.

Heavy metal.

No, that's a wrong image.

What? Even my-my fantasies aren't classy enough?

Not for the kind of girl you want.

'Of course these things are negotiable'

but only to a certain point.

'If you want a thoroughbred'

'you have to be willing to pay for thoroughbred.'

So you want me to lie?

You're a salesman, Gordy.

You're a professional liar

Your job is to convince people

that they want things, they don't really need

and they can't really afford.

Well, yeah, but this doe..

This is different. This does not seem ethical.

Unlike selling life insurance

betting the customers gonna live

while you con them into paying monthly premiums

on the chance, he might just get lucky

and die.

That's some jackpot.

So, let's see if we can come up

with something a little more upscale.

Something that requires a Harvard degree.

But I didn't even graduate from Springwood Community College.

I mean, what do you want me to say?

And then, after graduating from the University of Minnesota

with degrees in Business and Law..

I was drafted by the Canadian Hockey League

where I played for Montreal.

And... although I love the game..

and our neighbors to the north..

I knew that I had to return home.

I knew, that I had to make

my American dream come true.

And that's when I started my international banking business.

That doesn't even look like me.

You're right. Lying can do wonders.

financial empire is a success.

I've realized that..

no matter how many millions...I make

'I can only drive one Porsche at a time.'

[exhales]

And sometimes..

the view from my penthouse

is lonely

without someone to share it with.

Without that special someone..

'...who will love me for what I am.'

Perfect.

I can't believe I said all that stuff.

What's important is that special someone believes it.

She's out there, waiting.

Waiting for a man, just like the man that's on that video.

Waiting for you.

And with the help of Rendezvous patented

date-make computer technology

we're gonna find the girl of your dreams.

[instrumental music]

[exhales]

[birds chirping]

[groans]

Hey, Gordy.

[instrumental music]

Well, you sure weren't shy last night.

I don't usually play those kinds of games.

But I've always wanted to.

I've never been the aggressive type.

[breathes heavily]

Not till now.

[music continues]

Can't say no to me, Gordy.

You just can't.

[moaning]

[clock buzzing]

[buzzing stops]

[clock ticking]

[telephone rings]

Hello?

(woman on phone) 'Is this Gordy?'

- Yeah. - 'Uh, hi.'

'My name's Lana.'

'I got your number from Rendezvous Dating.'

'Mr. Bangor said he'd given you mine, but..'

'...then, when you didn't call, well..'

'...I figured I'd have to be the one to make the first move.'

'I can't believe I'm actually doing this.'

'I've always wanted to'

'but I've never been'

'the aggressive type.'

'Not till now, anyway.'

Oh, huh, uh, yeah, Lana. Oh, yeah, I remember.

I do and, uh, um, uh..

'Well... would you like to go out sometime?'

'Come on, you can't say no, you just can't.'

Well, no. I mean, uh, yes. I mean, um..

- How's Saturday night? - 'Great.'

'I'm really looking forward to meeting you, Gordy.'

'I hope you're not disappointed.'

[ticking continues]

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Hi... I'm Gordon.

Gordy.

(Lana) 'Mary, if that's Gordon'

'tell him I'll be right there.'

Thank you.

So, you're Mary.

Had you worried there for a minute.

Worried, no, no.

[laughs]

You're not as good a liar as Lana's other dates.

But you're shorter.

Hi!

Hi.

Well, am I what you expected?

[chuckles]

You're exactly what I expected.

- Then you're not disappointed. - Not any more.

It was nice to meet you, Mary.

(Mary) 'You too, Gordy.'

[saxophone music]

Uh, so, umm, I sent..

the Ferrari to the shop..

to be painted.

- What color? - And... the Ferrari?

- Red. - Oh, I love red.

- You do? - Yeah.

Great, um, well, then of course it goes out from under me

you know, the damn carburetor and..

And it's new?

Brand, right off the showroom floor

so they stuck me with this lousy loaner.

You know, Gordy, I maybe blonde, but I'm not dumb.

'They stopped putting carburetors'

'in the European models in 1973'

and in the American models since '71.

Besides I can really see you driving around

in a beat-up old loaner.

[car door closed]

Not a guy like you, Gordy.

[instrumental music]

(Lana) 'This restaurant is supposed to be the best.'

'Everyone says the food is absolutely fabulous.'

'The owners brought the chef all the way over from Europe.'

Romania, I think.

Yeah, great glasses.

Oh, this is beautiful, Gordy.

So romantic.

I hear the food here is wonderful.

Oh, I've never been here before.

Oh, I like a man who's not afraid to try something new.

Oh.

Gordy, could we have some champagne?

Umm, huh?

- Oh, champagne? - Uh-huh.

Yeah, oh..

Mademoiselle..

[speaking in French]

[speaking in French]

Ooh, la, la.

I didn't know you spoke French.

- French? - Uh-huh.

Well, you just sort of pic that kind of thing up..

when...you play hockey for Montreal.

I had to do all of my Stanley Cup interviews

in English and

(Lana) 'Oh, you know, it amazes me how guys like you'

'always know just the right thing to say.'

Yeah, well, you sort of get used to that

when you... when you make

umm, uh, small talk.

Although, franc and the pound are obsolete

in a world run by the dollar and the yen.

[cork pops]

[screaming]

- Oh, no, this is silk. - Silk..

[giggles]

Gordy, what are you staring at?

Sorry.

Well, with a neckline like that, it's hard not to see.

Oh, no, no, no, when she opened the bottle

the, the cork, it-it-it, it..

And then it got all over your dress

and, and, and, if-if that stains..

you can send me the dry-cleaning bill.

You are so thoughtful.

[blows nose]

Our first date.

I hope that I can make all your dreams come true.

Uh..

You know, Gordy, that Rendezvous computer

may turn out to be a... pretty good matchmaker.

You know, I just, I-I don't understand what a pretty girl

like you is doing at a computer dating service.

Pretty girls get lonely too.

I spent lots of Saturday nights at home.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, it's just lucky I'm not the jealous type.

Becauseyouare the ki

a girl would kill for.

[intense music]

[screaming]

Oh, my God!

(female #1) 'Ow!'

'Oh!'

Gordy? Are you alright?

[breathing heavily]

Uh..

I-I, uh, I guess I just..

[coughing] had a little too much champagne.

Well, you know what they say.

The more expensive the champagne

the pinker the elephants.

[chuckles]

Right.

[exhales deeply]

You know, Gordy

you've made me feel so special.

The way you thought of no one, but me all night.

Hah.

I think it's only fair that, after dinner

we do something you like.

Something I know you do better than anyone else.

Hmm.

[intense music]

[car engine revving]

How did you get us in here after hours?

I have my ways.

Ahh.

Isn't it great?

So cool and refreshing.

Freezing's more like it.

Lana, it's late.

Come on, Gordy.

Don't you wanna go to a movie?

I can go to a movie with any guy, Gordy.

But you're not any guy.

You're special.

Well, you know, um..

I might be a little rusty from sitting on a desk.

I wouldn't bet your Stanley Cup on it.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

You know, Gordy, I was beginning to think

you didn't like me.

Oh, I like you just fine.

Right now, I'd trade every Stanley Cup I ever won for you.

Sure, till you've had your fun with me.

Used me.

I know what guys like you are like, Gordy.

Always going after the next girl, the next trophy.

Believe me, Lana.

I'm not like that.

Not now, Gordy.

Why not?

Because, it'sgame time!

Come on, Gordy.

Show me those famous flashing blades.

I'm-I-m really not very good, I mean, I-I've got weak ankles!

Let's go, Gordy. You're a pro. A world champion.

[nervous laughter] Well, you know, not-not really.

I, uh, maybe I exaggerated the truth, you know just

'a little bit.'

I've never won a Stanley Cup

and I sure as hell don't speak French.

Oh. Noparlez vous

No! No! And I sell insurance.

Uh, on commission.

I mean, I could never afford to-to-to flaunt those fancy cars

'and the, and the apartment on what Springwood Mutual paid me.'

Are you telling me you lied, Gordy?

Yes! I lied!

[screaming] No!

But they were just..

little lies.

I mean, I-I, um..

I do it all the time, everybody does.

But it's not like..

It's... it's not like..

anybody got hurt.

[engine revving]

Lana, please!

Lana!

'Lana!'

Lana? Lana?

Please, Lana?

Lana?

'Okay, okay, I lied, but that's-that's not a crime.'

'Well, okay, maybe it is, but it's a misdemeanor.'

'It's definitely not a felony and this is definitely cruel'

'unusual punishment!'

Help, Lan-Lana.

[breathing heavily]

Help!

Lana!

[intense music]

Isn't this a wonderful machine?

It does everything it promises.

It makes the ice so clean and shiny.

You can almost see yourself in it.

[screaming]

[intense music]

[car horn blaring]

[screeching]

[intense music]

[music continues]

When it comes to flesh..

the first cut's always the deepest.

Voila.

[evil laughter]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[music continues]

[banging]

[grunting]

What is going on in here?

All that screaming and beating on this poor machine.

Well, if you're trying to get fired

you can just forget it.

Because I'm not gonna get stuck paying your half of the rent

while you're out tryin' to find another job.

There.

You're always letting the stupidest

little things upset you.

[sighs] Ah! I broke a nail.

Oh! Tsk. Wha..

I thought I heard screaming.

Are you alright? Should we call for help?

Well, unfortunately my manicurist

doesn't make house calls.

Oh!

Well, you go get that fixe right away

and take the afternoon off if you have to.

We wanna make sure the hand that greets

our Springwood Properties' clients is a pretty one.

Whatever you say, Mr. Fadiman.

- Oh, Lana. - Mm-hm.

Mr. Rawley will be flying in from the coast Saturday night

to sign the escrow papers on the Welman estate.

That was Milly Stern's listing.

Mrs. Stern made the deal

'with Rawley's construction company over the phone.'

He'd never guess by the sound of her voice

she was a grandmother.

I'd like you to close that deal.

Get Rawley that special personal attention

that the Springwood Realty is so famous for.

It would be my pleasure.

[phone rings]

(Mr. Fadiman) 'Miss Kelly.'

[typewriter keys clacking]

(female #1) 'Alright, let's set it up for tomorrow.'

(Mr. Fadiman) 'Where are the copies of my'

Springwood beautification report?

I need them for tomorrow's town's council meeting.

I'll have them for you by the end of the day.

As you can see things have been

pretty busy around here lately.

It's about time

the market went soft after that Kruger business.

But people are finally starting to see

that Springwood's just like any other town.

Only with affordable housing.

'And Rawley building his shopping center'

'on the Welman estate'

won't hurt the town's new upwardly mobile image either.

He's gonna tear down that beautiful old house?

Beauty is in the eye of the deed holder.

'Anyway it was condemned weeks ago.'

'Rawley just saved us the price and the trouble of a bulldozer.'

I wish we could get rid of all this town's eyesores so easily.

[machine whirring]

[intense music]

[chuckles]

Copier copier in the hall.

Who's the fairest of them all?

Ain't me.

[evil laughter]

[instrumental music]

What do you think?

'It's not too tight, is it?'

[sighs]

I feel like an elephant after eating that big dinner

atLe

Is it as nice as everyone says?

The food is good.

The service is kinda spotty.

I was gonna buy it in red but..

I figured black would be more appropriate for the office.

You bought that for the office?

Well, my meeting with Rawley is on company time.

Anyway Fadiman paid for it.

You should've told him to stick it.

I thought I'd give Mr. Rawley first chance at this hot

little property, that's currently on the market... me!

You think your Mr. Rawley is in the market for a Mrs. Rawley?

I'm not into job titles

so long as the salary's right.

I know, I know.

A woman should be valued for who she is

and not what she looks like, right?

'The way I see it'

life's just one big beauty pageant.

Like it or not we are all contestants from the minut

they slap your butt and tell your daddy, it's a girl.

The only choice we have..

is weather to be winners..

or losers.

Not everybody has that choice.

Everybody has a choice.

'You can look like anybody you want.'

Pick a face, any face.

And a whole new body.

I know a guy who can mix and match 'em however you want.

His name wouldn't happen to be Dr. Frankenstein, would it?

[chuckles]

Very funny! No, his name is Tony.

'The guy's a miracle worker.'

To make me beautiful, he'd have to be.

It's too late to make a big decision tonight.

[sighs]

So you just think about it and..

let me know in the morning.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Lana..

I'm not so sure about this.

Hmm.

What price beauty?

Just put it on your credit card.

It's not just the money.

What if it doesn't turn out right?

Mary, let's be honest.

What have you got to lose?

You'll love Tony. He's the best.

The absolute best.

Relax.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

[scream]

[laughing]

I told you, didn't I?

You're beautiful.

Now give it a toss.

Yeah, that's it.

See how the hair brings out the eyes

'and frames those exquisite cheek bones'

and that cute little nose.

[grunts]

Oh, this is what it's all about for me.

[music continues]

Making women happy.

[chuckles]

So... you must be Mary.

She's a little nervous.

Well, you're standing right next to some of my best work.

So, Mary, are you ready?

Go on.

[intense music]

Okay, Mary, what'll it be?

Make me pretty.

Well, pretty is, as pretty does.

Make me beautiful.

Babe..

beauty's only skin deep

The stuff that really counts, that's inside.

Yeah, well, I'd kinda like to

try it on the outside for a while.

Okay.

You're the one who's gotta shave in the morning.

To me..

you're perfect.

But if you wanna be different..

I'll make you different

I know exactly what I want

Baby..

you and the rest of the female race

haven't the slightest idea what you want.

I can remember when all the women wanted in life

was to be somebody's wife.

Mrs. Anybody was better than being Miss..

Unless it was Miss America.

Now, she doesn't want to be Miss America at all.

She wants to be President.

Or better yet..

the President's wife.

All the power..

and none of the responsibilities.

You just wanted to be taken care of.

Then you wanted your space.

And not too much space.

Because what you really wanted..

was intimacy.

[Mary groaning]

[instrumental music]

'You told us, you wanted a man'

who would let you be free.

But not unless, he was willing to make a commitment.

[groaning]

'Now, I like pretty girls.'

'But it's like..'

'...looking at the Mona Lisa.'

'Oh, sure, it's a great painting, but uh..'

'...I don't wanna take her home.'

(Mary) 'Ah!'

I like, uh..

smart women.

A woman who'd know how to listen.

And uh..

funny women.

Women who make me laugh.

'Now, the new woman is different.'

'She's not about to change her name when she gets married.'

'Yet, she doesn't think twice'

'about changing her face and body.'

- Ow! - 'Anything and everything.'

- 'And all of it for love.' - Ah!

[Mary screaming]

God, I love women.

[laughing]

[gasps]

Oh, Mary, you're beautiful.

Really beautiful!

And you!

You're a genius!

Well, I'm just here to make you happy.

This is what my life is about.

I just can't help it.

I love women.

Thanks.

[chuckling]

She didn't even leave a tip.

I still can't believe it's really me.

It's just the way I dreamed it.

Now, that you're different everything's going

to be different.

It's just the way I dreamed it.

Now..

I have one more little surprise for you.

You have a date tomorrow night

with Mr. Rawley.

What?

Well, what else can you give a girl who has everything

except a man.

[sighs] Fadiman will kill us.

We'll both get fired.

All he cares about is keeping the customers satisfied.

And I think Mr. Rawley will be very satisfied.

Do you really think so?

Of course he will.

When everyone was all upset about the ol' Welman estate

being torn down because it was special and unique.

Mr. Rawley was the one with the vision to see

that these things just weren't important.

As part of the Springwood beautification project.

It had to go.

Buildings, people.

Pretty is pretty.

And you're beautiful.

Lana, I don't know how to thank you.

Don't thank me. You did it.

'You knew what you wanted.'

You wanted to be perfect.

And now you are.

'So enjoy yourself.'

You deserve it.

You know, I used to think that you just kept me around

so you'd look even more beautiful by comparison.

But I was wrong.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[sighs]

[moans]

Lana, Lana!

Aren't you gonna introduce me to your friend?

It's me, Mr. Fadiman. Mary.

Of course. Mary.

I told her no one would recognize her.

It's amazing what a new hairdo and, uh..

a little makeup will do.

Amazing.

Oh, well, I better get back to work.

Wait, wait, Mary. Wait.

But don't you need those copies of your beautification reports.

I think it's time

you started working out here on the floor.

We could even get you your own desk.

Yes, right here by the window.

Andl your first clients for you

Mary, this is Mr. and Mrs. Winters

and their two adorable children.

I know Mary will be able to find you

the house of your dreams.

I'm sure you'll be every bit as happy

in Springwood as I have been.

[telephone ringing]

Mr. Rawley's plane was due in over an hour ago.

He'll be here.

Are you sure this is alright with Fadiman?

Mary, there's no sense in being beautiful

if you're not gonna start acting like it.

(Rawley) Hello!

Hello, Mr. Rawley.

I'm Lana. This is my associate Mary.

She's gonna help you with the paperwork.

'So you can close the escrow on the Welman property.'

But Mr. Fadiman told me I would be dealing with you.

But I think this arrangement is going to work out just fine.

All we want here at Springwood Properties

is to make sure the clients leaves completely satisfied.

Mary, would you mind terribly

if we went over some of this paperwork

back at my hotel room?

Hm. Alright.

[honking]

(Rawley) 'Aren't you hungry?'

(Mary) 'I thought I was.'

(Rawley) I was gonna have him send up a couple of steaks

but you said you loved caviar.

I do.

It just didn't taste very good to me tonight.

That stuff never taste any good.

But then I really didn't have much of an appetite.

You're probably bored with men telling you

how beautiful you are.

I don't know how anybody could ever get tired

of hearing a thing like that.

Is that a no?

You just surprised me.

Well, then..

Shall we get down to business?

Come on, relax.

You can't tell me that doesn't feel good.

What?

That.

[sighs]

- Am I hurting you? - No.

I just don't feel anything

Oh. Maybe I'm not hurting you enough.

What are those?

I have seen some bad boob jobs

but those are the worst.

You really ought to get your money back.

No offence, but they just don't look real.

In fact you should sue, that's malpractice.

'You should be compensated.'

'I'll put you in touch with my attorney if you like.'

[gasps] No! No!

Come on, calm down.

Take it easy, honey. They can fix it.

They can fix anything.

'Take it easy. What are you doing with that?'

'Don't be crazy! Stop that, for God's sake!'

'I'm sorry.'

I told you, once you were different

everything would be different.

But you wanted to be perfect.

And now you are..

so enjoy yourself.

(as Freddy) You deserve it.

[grunts]

[glass shattering]

I swear to you, I didn't do it.

Call Fadiman at Springwood Properties again.

If he's not there, call her friend Lana.

God, I don't even know her last name.

[indistinct]

(male #1) 'A piece of mirror sliced right through her jugular.'

(male #2) 'Yeah, not much of a looker, huh?'

(male #1) 'You ever seen a good-lookin' corpse?'

(male #2) 'Uh, yeah.'

[dramatic music]

Remember, beauty's only skin-deep.

'All that really counts..'

is what's inside.

[laughing]

[theme music]

[theme music]