Original subtitles

[LAUGH] You must be joking.

No. Why?

Is it me or do those trees have a certain phallic quality?

It's you, okay? It's always you. You

always have a problem with the cover art.

Oh, please, look at them. This isn't Forest

of Romance. This is Forest of D icks.

They're crazy. What are you talking about? They're just trees, you know?

They're just big, erect, throbbing trees.

I'll get the art department to tone it down a bit.

Thank you.

How about the back cover?

No, forget it. I'm not having a photo. Not after last time.

Come on. I mean, it wasn't that bad.

Okay, maybe the lighting was a little harsh, but I've got someone new. You

know what? She's really, really great.

Fine. Fine.

Okay. Okay. I'll see you Friday.

I was thinking, if you haven't got Jeremy tonight, maybe you'd like to join

me for dinner.

Dinner?

I must have caught her eye.

Sure.

My place? Seven-ish?

Your place?

There's nothing like wearing something

comfortable and turning the lights down low.

Sounds great.

Ta.

I got a look at your itinerary for the tour. You know, 16 cities in 14 days.

I mean, all you have to do is change the laws.

Listen, you should be fine.

Can we not talk about work tonight?

I can think of much better things than making smart talk.

Okay.

There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about.

No, wait. Forget it. It's a bad idea. I don't want to fuck up our working

relationship.

No, no, no, no. Go ahead. Go ahead. Come on. Just fuck it up.

I don't know how to say this.

So, I'll be blunt.

Be blunt. Blunt is good.

Martin.

Kiss me?

I want your sperm.

You know, I've never heard it put quite that way before.

I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind, you know, many, many, many times.

Ever since the first day we met, you know, I felt a bond.

No, no. All I want is your sperm.

What kind of a gag is this?

Excuse me?

I want to have a baby.

A baby?

I've been thinking about it a lot with this whole turning 40 business.

And since it's kind of tough to conceive on your own, I'd like you to help.

Ellen, this is huge. I mean, I don't know what to say.

Well, of all the men I know, you have

the most qualities I'd want in my child.

Thank you. Thank you. That's very nice.

You're smart, attractive, funny.

No, I mean, I'm very flattered.

Plus, I have no feelings for you romantically.

Right.

It's less complicated like that. You'd have no responsibilities at all.

It would be my child. You'd just be... The sperm guy?

In essence, but you'd be giving me an incredible gift.

And you wouldn't have to wrap it.

I don't know.

Will you think about it?

Be fruitful and multiply.

Create a race, a man-made race upon the face of the Earth.

Why not?

I'll think about it.

A cereal box, huh? I thought they only put athletes on these.

Until now. Isn't it exciting?

Richard told me it meant more to him than winning the Nobel Prize.

Yeah, well, I usually skip breakfast myself.

Anyway, look, I want to ask you a question.

How do you feel about a 40-year-old woman

choosing to have a child just on her own?

Well, speaking as a psychologist and as a mother,

I'd have to say if she is emotionally

and infincially capable of raising a child,

then I would fully support her decision.

Good, good. Because one of my writers asked me, and...

I think I'm gonna give her my sperm.

Your sperm? Are you out of your mind?

Could you keep your voice down, please?

This isn't something the whole office has to know.

So you're gonna give some woman your sperm.

You just said you thought it was a good idea.

Well, that was a hypothetical woman

with some... Hypothetical sperm, not yours.

Are you jealous?

You're jealous?

No, no, no.

Well, maybe just a little.

I mean, up until now, I'm the only one who ever got your sperm... to keep.

And now some strange woman comes and asks for it,

and you're just giving it out like Johnny Appleseed.

First of all, this is not a stranger. I've known her for ten years.

Well, I've known my dry cleaner for ten years,

but I'm not about to have a child with him.

This is not my dry cleaner. This is someone I care about.

Jesus Christ, I gave Richard a kidney.

I mean, this'll be a lot easier, believe me.

But Martin, a child?

I am not having a child. She's having a child.

Okay? I'm just the... the sperm guy.

Here's your coffee.

Get out!

I didn't ask for coffee.

Maybe not.

But I'd just like to put in my two cents about the sperm guy thing.

You really ought to do something about that intercom.

Thank you.

You know, I'd be careful if I were you.

Miss Ellen might turn out to be like that

Mary Beth Whitehead person in the TV movie.

She could develop some kind of bond with the baby.

Before you know it, she wouldn't want to give it up.

She'd be saying it's her baby.

It is her baby. She intends to keep it.

You see what I mean?

You better get yourself a lawyer.

And fast.

Oh, hi.

I'll do it.

You'll do it?

As in, you'll do it.

I'll do it.

Oh, my God. My God. Thank you.

This is gonna be kind of weird, huh?

Seeing each other naked.

We're not gonna be making love.

You're going to the sperm bank.

Well, that's kicking cupid right in the pants.

Right. Right, right. That's what I meant.

I think I'll go downtown in the morning and open an account.

Banks are always prouder when you're in a hurry, aren't they?

Yeah.

(BEEPING)

Are you a virgin?

Excuse me?

First time, isn't it?

Making a deposit.

How could you tell?

Well, I've never seen you around here before.

I'm sort of a regular myself.

That's nice.

Oh, best deal in town.

Where else can you get paid 45 bucks

for doing exactly what you'd be doing at home anyway?

Am I right?

Mr. Tupper.

Right here.

Sorry.

Take this cup, fill it, and bring it to me when you're done.

Fill it?

Well, do the best you can.

Cubicle number one on the left.

Ask for cubicle number two. It's carpeted.

Uh, how do I do this exactly?

I mean, do I just go in there and...

Masturbate. You do know how to do that, don't you?

You palm it in the sand. That means you

grip it in the palm of the hand like this.

This takes a good deal of practice.

What I meant was... Do you have anything

I can look at, you know, any magazine?

Good housekeeping?

It's...it's okay.

Hey, buddy, if you freeze up, think of

those twins in the chewing gum commercials.

Right. Thanks.

(DOOR OPENS)

(GROANS)

(SQUEAKS)

Now, you get a grip on yourself.

(DRUMMING)

I love it.

Hey! Hey! There's someone in here!

Jesus!

Well, now you're not gonna let a little

thing like that spoil your evening, are you?

(DRUMMING CONTINUES).

(DRUMMING CONTINUES)

(DRUMMING CONTINUES).

(DRUMMING CONTINUES).

(DRUMMING CONTINUES)

(DRUMMING CONTINUES)

(DRUMMING CONTINUES)

(DRUMMING CONTINUES).

(DRUMMING CONTINUES).

I love it.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six... Five, four, three, two...

I suppose you realize, Sterling, that what you've done all the highly

irregular, mind you, is of tremendous value, and you did it alone!

That's the remarkable part of it.

Now, Ellen, when I take this picture, you must not move.

All right.

Don't mock me.

I'm gonna kill you for this.

Careful, you're moving your feather.

Did you get a chance to use the... Oh, yes.

Those little guys are on their way.

Thank you again.

I just hope it wasn't too weird for you.

I never want to go through anything like that again.

No, no, it was nothing.

Promise me something.

Will you look after my child for me when I'm gone? Please.

Anything?

Promise me the books will be in the store when I get there.

I don't want to be signing cocktail napkins like last time.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Have you thought of a name?

Are we changing the title? Is there a problem with Forest of Romance?

No, no. I was talking about the... The baby.

Oh. Yeah.

I was thinking, if it's a girl, Alex.

Alex.

And if it's a boy, Albie.

Albie.

And you don't think he'll get beat up a lot?

No, I like Albie. It was my grandfather's name.

What about Ben? That was my grandfather's name.

Ben's a good name.

Morning, Ben. Great game, Ben.

Why would I want to name him after your grandfather?

Yeah. Just saying. It's a good name. Ben.

Okay. Now, Ellen. Hold very, very still. Don't move.

Tara.

Release the bees.

What?

Toby, could you pick up the phone, please?

Toby?

Toby!

What the hell's going on out here?

Hey, you want to watch your mouth? We got an infant here.

Gina's. Is that your baby?

I can't believe how cute he is.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Yeah, why wouldn't he be cute? He's got my eyes.

He doesn't have your eyes. He has my eyes, Pinhead.

Who are you calling a Pinhead?

Shut up.

You shut up.

You want to hold him?

Yeah.

Come here, right, Toby.

Can I hold him for a minute?

It'll cost you five bucks.

What?

I got expenses. The kid's going to need money for college.

A bail.

Are you insane? I'm not paying you five dollars.

Fine.

All I've got is a 10.

Okay. For 10, I'll let you change his diaper.

You want him?

Yeah.

Hey, don't get ink on the baby.

I read some place where you can always replace a father, but never a mother.

Oh, I don't agree. Maybe they're both equally important.

Surprise!

Yes, it is.

I just thought I'd bring you some things you're definitely going to need.

Look, plastic keys.

Bubble popping lawnmower things. Very, very important.

Martin, this isn't the... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Super bear.

Although I kind of think he looks like a mouse, but I don't know.

Hi, Ellen.

Martin Tupper, this is Seth St. John.

Hello.

What are you doing here?

How are you doing?

What do you want?

So, is this like a date?

That's exactly what it's like.

So what do you do for a living, Seth?

I'm an actor.

Really?

What else do you do?

I'm a regular on a soap opera.

You like kids, Seth?

Martin.

Huh?

Can I see you for a second?

Wait.

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry. I'm sorry. I just didn't know you were seeing anybody.

I mean, how serious is this?

It's really none of your business.

Well, I was just wondering, is he going to be around in ten months?

Is he going to provide a stable home environment?

What kind of a guy brings wine to a pregnant woman?

Why'd he just bring a bottle of plutonium?

Martin, I know you care.

And I appreciate it. Really, I do.

But you've got to care less.

You're not going to be this baby's father.

You're just the sperm guy.

Okay, well, good luck on your tour.

And I'll, uh, I'll see you when you get back.

[music]

Hey, Twinkle Toes. Fun in the oven. Here to see you.

Thank you, Toby.

Could you just send Ellen in, please?

Hi.

Hello. Welcome back. How was the tour?

Pretty good, except Scranton.

Oh. Sorry about that.

Oh, that's okay. I just had to sign a couple

of hundred copies of Where's Waldo now.

Martin, we have to talk.

I know. I know. Look, I want to apologize, okay?

I mean, the last time I saw you, I was way, way, way out of line.

You know, and it may be my sperm, but it's your child.

And I'm sure you're going to do a great job

of raising little Alex or Albie, you know.

Martin.

Wait, wait, wait. No. Please. Let me finish.

I know you don't need my help, you know, but if you ever want it, you know,

if there's ever anything I can do, you know, I'm here.

I'm glad you feel that way because I'm not pregnant.

Please, I'm sorry.

So am I. So if you have any, I could use a little sperm.

Okay. Okay. It's a win.

Actually, now, my body temperature jumped by eight tenths of a degree this

morning, so I'm ovulating.

Please. Would you come to the bank with me?

All right. I just have to cancel my two o'clock.

Unfortunately, the clinics closed on

Fridays, and on Monday, it'll be too late.

We have to have sex.

You forgot to say please.

I forgot about that way.

I have a hunch it'll come back to you.

I just don't want to lose another month.

What do you say?

Well, anything for science.

You know what, Toby? You put in a long week. Why don't you just take the

rest of the day off?

Why?

I'm giving you the day off and you're asking me why.

Well, what if I don't feel like taking the day off? What if I feel like

taking Monday off?

Okay. Take Monday too.

How about the whole week? Fine.

See you on Wednesday.

Martin, I thought the desk would do.

Well, that's one way of doing it.

Sure. Sure. Whatever.

Let's get to it.

Okay.

I'm having a namesake's choir responsibility.

Wait.

I can't just get to it.

You know what? I'm not a faucet, you know. I need a little tenderness.

Maybe take me to dinner or buy me a little gift or something.

Come here.

Better?

Little.

Now, it's quite simple. Either these people are fit parents for the child or

they're not.

Is everything all right?

Will you stick to business? Try to get that certain feeling.

Fine. Just fine.

Get on it, target. Get on it.

[music]

He said I didn't have no father.

Right, your papa. She's not my little girl.

Something wrong?

Bring my daddy back to me.

Nobody wants me.

I can't. I'm sorry. I can't be just the sperm guy.

I can't care less. I can't do it.

I understand.

I'm really sorry.

So am I.

[music]

I'm sure you'll find somebody else.

I know. So, how well do you know Richard Stone?

I guess everything has happened for

the best. No women in our lives, Charlie.

It's the open road for us.