Original subtitles

Dynamite might work.

I think we better call an oxman.

Here, let me.

She should have seen how long it took me to put them on.

[MUSIC]

I think we need a new approach here.

What's that?

No touch.

Maybe if we work together.

Here, pull.

Hold on there.

Could you.

[MUSIC]

Mark, go get a condom.

Okay.

Don't move.

Okay.

[MUSIC]

The rubber shortage is very serious.

That's so weird.

No, I just bought a box yesterday.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I distinctly remember putting them in.

That's okay.

We can still do other things.

[MUSIC]

I just have to check one more time.

Okay.

[MUSIC]

I don't get it.

Well, maybe the condamels stole them.

[MUSIC]

Could you just take a quick peek on them?

Oh, Martin, let it go.

Maybe somebody took them.

What are you talking about?

Let me come on.

I would have taken them.

I'm sorry.

My son.

Martin.

Martin.

[MUSIC]

Why don't you do this room?

I do not know.

It is his room.

It is his own business.

I'm glad you got that through your head anyway.

[MUSIC]

Grey's Anatomy.

Now, what would he be doing with books like these?

[MUSIC]

Put it back where you found it and don't touch anything else.

[MUSIC]

What brand?

What the hell kind of question is that?

What brand?

Look, I was just trying to understand the situation.

Jeez.

Look, just because Jeremy has some condoms

doesn't mean he's going to use them.

It doesn't mean that he's not.

I mean, do we know?

Huh?

No, we don't know.

So what if he's getting laid?

What is the big deal?

I mean, it's not like he's your daughter.

Excuse me?

Nothing.

He's 13 years old.

Come on, 13.

He shouldn't be having sex till he's 40.

No, no.

20.

Fine.

Look, Martin, we have to accept the fact that Jeremy's sexual feelings are

beginning to awaken.

[MUSIC]

I can accept that.

And his boys mature.

If they mature.

They look for ways to assert their manhood, like carrying a condom.

It's a badge of honor.

Oh, Martin knows all about that one.

He used to carry around this condom in his wallet so long that it left a

permanent ring.

That's funny.

Could we stick to the subject, please?

When he finally opened it, Dustin--

I mean, it was like he was opening a pack of sugar.

How did this get to be about me?

It's a rite of passage.

Relax.

He's only 13.

Most of him.

What?

Go on. Tell him.

Okay, look.

The other day, he was getting out of the shower, and I guess it's been a

while since I've seen him naked, you know, but it's just a lot bigger than

it used to be.

Martin.

No, I'm just saying, you know, it's not a pee-pee anymore.

Like he's hung.

Excuse me. That's my son we're talking about.

Sorry. He brought it up.

Look, it used to be this little guy, you know.

I mean, this-- this-- this nubbin'. But now it's--

It's alive. It's alive. It's alive. It's alive.

It's a penis.

And you just know that now that he's got one, he's gonna want to use it, and

I'm telling you, pretty soon he's gonna be wearing one of those-- those

badges of honor.

Martin. Martin. Martin. Martin.

Look, if you're so sure that Jeremy's about to have sex, then you know what

you have to do.

[dramatic music]

I'm open to suggestions.

Have a talk with him. Make sure he knows how to use a condom.

No. No, no, no.

I don't think that's necessary.

Not really. I-- I think I'm probably

blowing this just way out of proportion .

[chuckles]

♪ All I feel is emotion ♪

♪ Feeling burning inside ♪

♪ I'm a plain old bastard ♪

♪ A woman ♪

Him.

Dad.

Mr. Tepper. Hi.

The pride of Frankenstein.

Hello, Shannon.

Uh, we were just, uh, listening to music.

I can see that.

Young lady, would you mind getting up so I can see the sunrise?

Um, Shannon, I should probably get going.

Oh, okay. Yeah. I'll walk you out.

Uh, be right back.

♪ All I feel is emotion ♪

[door opens]

Are you thinking what I think?

[dramatic music]

Finally, we gotta do something about that, Jomison.

♪ Do you feel it ♪

[door closes]

Jeremy?

Uh, Dad, I got some homework.

I know you took the condoms.

Oh. Uh, well, it's for a science project, you know,

with beakers and--and pulleys, and...

you could have them back if you wanted.

No, no, no, that's fine. You--you can keep them, you know.

I--I just wish you were... Five years old.

...able to talk to me about these things.

I'm sorry.

Uh, Jeremy... Do you know how to... use them?

Oh, yeah. [laughs]

Yeah.

Like, what do you mean?

And now, for Alice.

[camera clicks]

♪

Okay, put it on.

I don't want to.

Do I have to do everything around here?

It's just so embarrassing.

Okay, Jeremy, this is your condom, and...

We shall begin by being absolutely frank with each other.

This is your banana.

Yeah, I haven't seen any frankness so far.

Okay, now, it is many, many years in the future,

and--and you're going to put on your condom for the first time.

Now, which way to put it on? It's very important.

If--if it looks like a--a little hat, you're right.

And, uh, if it looks, uh... less like a little hat, you're wrong.

Right, okay, so... Now, we roll.

You see?

You see, it's really a--a very-- very--very simple process.

[laughs]

Well, I can see why this is such an effective method of birth control.

I'm not going to be able to do that.

What?

I'm sorry.

You always have to leave a little space at the tip.

Why?

Well, that's so when you--

So when you--

You know, there's a place where to--

When you ejaculate, okay?

Okay. I was going to say.

Okay. Now, let's suppose you finished and you're--

You're about to remove your... self.

Okay, but you have to hang on to the condom, okay?

Because if you don't, you could spill some of the-- Carrot juice?

Exactly.

Okay, now give me your hand.

You be the vagina.

I don't want to be the vagina.

You be the vagina.

Okay. Very good. Now, uh--

I know it's dangerous, but I'm going to ask you one more question.

Do you know what to do next?

What?

One more. Go. Go. Get out of here.

Thank God.

[music]

With a carrot?

Yeah. Yeah, you know, you just-- you just

have to be creative about these things.

I see. And how did Jeremy take it?

Well, judging from how we reacted, I don't

think we have anything to worry about.

This strange man you call a monster is dead.

Monster indeed.

Hey, Dad.

Hold on.

Yeah. I need a hundred bucks.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I'm going skiing this weekend with Bobby,

and Bobby's dad, and Stephen, Shannon, and Susan.

Shannon?

Absolutely not.

What? Martin, I don't think it's a good idea to tell him that he--

And your mother doesn't think it's a good idea either.

I did not say that. Look, don't put words in my mouth.

Okay, Judith. Good night.

Martin!

Dad.

Forget it. The answer is no.

I mean, skiing is-- it's just too dangerous.

Why? Because Shannon's going?

Isn't that the truth?

No. No, no. It's not that at all.

It's just-- I want to be certain that thing can't be used as a weapon.

You don't even know how to ski.

Yeah. Well, maybe you can show me with some vegetables.

And there's Frostbite.

Or he could get a ski pole stuck in his leg, you know?

Or fall off one of those-- those chair thingies.

This is about sex, and you know it.

Well, now that you mentioned it--

Martin, the more you try to keep Jeremy from

doing it, the more he's going to want it.

He's a 13-year-old boy.

He already wants it the most you can possibly want it.

Woman.

Fred.

Yeah.

Oh, so what are you going to do? Lock him in a box?

Shut him up in a cave somewhere?

Okay, see? Now you're talking.

Look, you can't control him.

He's the one who's going to decide when he's ready.

Well, fuck him.

I mean, what if I'm not ready?

Martin.

Hey, look. You cannot tell me that this doesn't bother you.

Of course it bothers me, but I've read a lot more books than you have,

and this is just what we have to do.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Fine. Fine.

He can go skiing.

Thank you.

On the slopes of hell when it freezes over.

Shit.

Hey, you, uh, you want to go for a pizza?

I ate.

Uh, can I get you a soda?

Go-da.

All right.

Uh, how about a game?

You want to play an opportunity to be able to watch our cheeseburger?

Jim Bonham and his ski report.

Thanks, Dan.

The recent storm dropped four feet of fresh powder on a 20-foot base.

All lifts are open, so get out on the slopes.

You won't see skiing like this till the next ice age.

I got it.

Dan, I got it.

Hey, Jeremy.

Hi.

Hi, Mr. Tupper.

Shannon.

I thought you were going skiing.

I was going to, but when you went and let Jeremy go,

I decided I'd rather stay home with him.

Ready to go?

Yeah. Let's get out of here.

Is that all? Is that all you've got to say?

Uh, so.

So, what do you kids got planned for, uh, this evening?

We were doing it for the first time.

We're going to the movies.

Unless I'm not allowed to leave the house.

Of course you are.

Of course you are.

And, uh, what movie?

Fievel Comes Home.

And what is that rated?

It's a cartoon, Dad.

Oh, Fievel the Mouse.

And, uh, what, uh, what theater?

The Beakman.

And I suppose this is one of those dark movie theaters?

Bye, Dad.

Have a nice time.

[

[

RINGING]

Hello.

Well, you know, he's doing it.

Martin, who's doing what?

Jeremy. He just left with Shannon for God knows where.

I thought he was going to the movies.

Judith. Judith. Judith.

You are so naive.

I-- Hello? Hello?

Uh, oh, sorry. You were saying?

What are you doing?

I'm getting ready to go to the net.

You know, tonight's the debut of Richard's opera.

Oh. Oh, oh, yeah.

[SINGING]

Must have slipped my mind.

Well, you know, at least one of us isn't worried.

Martin, I'm not going to let you do this to me.

No, no, no, no, no.

You go ahead and have fun at the opera.

Well, your baby son is boinking away in some alley somewhere.

Good night, Martin.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Kids are funny.

You raise them, give them a good life, and then they leave you.

Maybe you had plans for them.

What? They don't care about that.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Children having children on the next Eddie Charles show.

Don't miss them.

[KNOCKING]

Boinking?

You had to say "boinking."

That was a quick opera.

Fuck you.

All right.

So what do you suggest we do?

I don't know.

I don't know.

You're the one who's read all the books.

OK, OK.

I think we just have to trust him.

I mean, if he says he's at the movies, he's at the movies.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ma?

Hello?

Anybody?

Excellent.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This is my mother's apartment.

It's really nice.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

We can't trust him.

Thank you.

Well, this is great.

My baby's out there having sex.

I hope you're happy.

What?

Well, you taught him how to use a condom.

What?

You told me to.

Oh, fine.

Put it on me.

You taught him through lifestyle.

Excuse me?

Hey, it's all about role models, you know?

Like father, like son.

Let me tell you something.

I have never, never had sex in this apartment while Jeremy was here.

What about you and Richard, huh?

Mm?

Well, I suppose, but that Jeremy's always asleep.

I assume.

Oh, my God.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You don't think-- [MUSIC PLAYING]

I really like you, Jeremy.

I like you, too.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's OK, little boy.

Now I see you like a snake without your bed.

Oh, just give me-- It's probably both our faults.

You're right.

It's the divorce.

I mean, you know, if he hadn't come from a broken home,

then he wouldn't be seeking solace in the arms of another woman.

I'm not sure those books are helping.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

But I only got a 93.

I kind of spaced on the part about manifest destiny.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Could I have some water or something?

I'm kind of thirsty.

Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, I'm going to call the theater,

have them check and see if they're there.

Judith, please.

Have some dignity.

Besides, the manager said he wouldn't do it.

OK, then we're going down there.

And do what?

You walk up and down the roads of a crowded theater calling

his name and embarrassing him in front

of his data and treating him like a child?

Exactly.

Let's go.

What are we doing?

I don't know.

I don't know.

It was your idea.

Are we going to do this every time Jeremy goes out somewhere?

I mean, is this how we really want to live our lives?

OK, what?

What do you suggest?

Just letting him grow up and become his own person?

I mean, without any help from us?

Basically.

I hate this.

Oh, me too.

But look, we raised a great kid.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, even though he's growing up a

little bit, he's still the same old Jeremy.

With one big exception.

Will you shut up about that already?

Look, it's the monster.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Jeremy, how was your evening?

It was excellent.

Good.

Good.

Any questions or comments?

Anything you'd like to tell us?

Nope.

Good night.

So that wasn't hard.

We can handle this, right?

Hey, if you can, I can.

Good.