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Come on, come on, come on, you are such a moron.

I can't believe you told the waitress I was on the Olympic bobsledding team.

I'm so stupid.

Man, that joke only works once every four years.

I got to get it in while I can.

Why are you always embarrassing me with women?

Because it's fun.

Her ex-wife is here, and she has that

special glow she's had since your divorce.

Thank you.

That bounce and a step, that certain twinkle, that essence that says,

"My life is better now."

I'm gonna kill you.

A simple Judith is here would do.

Hey.

Eddie.

Mind if I come in?

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hey, tell that husband of yours I really had fun at his golf tournament.

He has a golf tournament?

Yeah, the Richard Stone celebrity invitational to end world hunger.

Golf.

There's an exciting sport.

Actually, man, it was a real nail-biter.

I mean, it looked like the president was gonna win,

but then Sting edged him out with a 30-foot putt on the 18th.

Mm, that is exciting. Don't you have somewhere to go?

Nope.

So, what's up?

I need to talk to you about something.

May I call my attorney?

It's about splitting up the pictures.

Oh, I'm mad at here.

No, no, stay.

Would you like some coffee?

No, no, no, no. I'll let you two talk with the cream of sugar.

No, get out of here. I'll see you, Judith.

Martin, I-- Would you like some coffee?

Martin, I know it's hard for you.

Uh, Toby, could you get us some coffee, please?

I could get you coffee.

I could also stick my head in a paper shredder.

Just coffee for now. Thanks.

Martin, it's time we split up our pictures.

Judith, come on.

You remember what happened last time we tried to do that?

It wasn't that bad.

You spit on me.

I did not spit. I was talking animatedly.

Martin, it's been four years. You-- All right. All right, fine.

Fine. I'll just wear a poncho.

Oh, here's a picture of you and your dad.

Oh, thank you.

Here's one of your mom.

Thank you.

See, this isn't so hard.

Oh, look, here's one of your aunts.

How are they?

Oh, oh, I'm Mrs. Tweaky.

I'm hospitality, and this is Mrs. Johnson.

She's refreshment.

And Mrs. Hawthorne is music, and Mrs. Kibbs is park and problem.

They're keeping busy.

Hey, Jeremy, recognize this?

Nope.

It's this apartment before we move down.

Me?

Our first real apartment.

Yeah.

[phone ringing]

I don't know.

Honey, what do you think?

Love it!

We're 14 days pregnant.

We're very happy for you.

Well, if nothing works.

Are you okay?

I am better than okay.

I'm home.

What do you-- Sold to that gentleman there.

No, no, no, no, no.

There's no way we can afford this.

And don't take it.

But, but, but, Martin, it's perfect.

Look at the exposed brick and all this wonderful light.

And take it.

Martin, we'll do it early American.

Judith, you know, all our furniture's from my aunt.

It's early Vivian.

They will have a mahogany dining room table here.

And next to it, a wonderful 18th century China cabinet.

And inside we'll have all of our stupid glasses.

Our glasses are from Texaco.

You know, they have smiley faces on them.

Jude, I-- Then over here, we'll have the babies cribbing.

And there will be your writing desk.

And you'll write at your desk and you'll go,

"Judith," and I'll come running over and I'll read it.

And it'll be so good.

It'll sell like a million copies.

And we'll have so much money that we could afford to live in any apartment

in New York City.

But we won't want to because we love this one so much.

Look, that's very touching.

But if you take much longer, you'll have to pay the first month's rent.

Oh, Jude.

Judith, we can't. We can't.

You know, we just don't have the money.

You're right, I know. But still--

No. No, now, I'm gonna have to put my foot down here.

We absolutely cannot take this apartment.

[sighs]

Who wants a cookie?

Okay.

You know, I knew this place was perfect the moment I saw it.

There you go.

Cookie?

Who's this doofus?

That doofus is your father.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Can I burn this? I mean, really, is there a burn panel?

Mark, don't be ridiculous.

I mean, this is the fun of pictures.

You get to see what you used to look like.

Oh, really?

Well, I looked really awful, and so I cut myself out.

Look at this one.

Oh, that's what's in college. Look.

You guys really look stoned.

Oh, no, that's from the flash.

Yeah, yeah, the flashes were much stronger

then because the cameras were... ...weaker.

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[indistinct chatter]

Thanks, Kelly.

Stepping off is such a savage indictment.

Who's lost a side? Don't you think?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

No, I mean, I just think that, um...

I-I-I really get it.

Oh, I mean, you know, half-Sartre, Caro-A

But still, you know, I mean, I feel an obligation to share my vision.

Well, do you think that maybe I could read some of it?

Well, it's still not totally written.

-Four hundred. -Oh.

Yeah.

But what about you?

What do you want from life?

Sometimes I really want to join the Peace Corps.

Well, other times I just want to, you know, garden.

Of course, I guess I could probably garden in the Peace Corps.

I've had enough of this waiting.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to do this.

And you and me, baby.

Just you and me, we spend the whole evening together, huh, baby?

Hey, what's up, dad?

Oh, man. Hey, man.

Hey, listen, man.

I was just checking out that women's lib rally on the quad.

Man, this burn the bra thing is really right on.

I'm all for it.

Uh, Judith, this is my friend, Daddy. He goes to NYU.

Hey, what's happening, mama?

Listen, I just want you to know this multiple orgasm thing doesn't freak me

out one bit.

Thank you.

Eddie, Judith and I were having a really intense discussion, you know, so...

Aw, man. Is he giving you that Herman Hess Rider bullshit?

Oh, Eddie. Oh, don't.

Listen, he's a really nice guy, but he's just trying to get laid.

Not too tight, is it, Cotton?

Oh, no. There's plenty of room.

Eddie, don't you have to go get your consciousness raised.

Later.

He's a really funny guy.

He's my best friend.

See? Isn't this nice? Just lying here together?

Yeah, yeah, it is, but... We won't just jump in overnight. We'll ease him.

It'll be so gradual, nobody will notice a thing.

Martin, I've never, you know... Oh.

I could have. I just didn't.

Oh.

Well, that's cool. You know, we'll just be here.

Near each other.

Are you mad? Put that thing away.

You know, your first time is something really special.

And whoever the guy is, I'm not saying you should be me,

but he should be really into who you are.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I think I do.

I think sex is an expression of love in its purest form.

It should be glorious and lyrical.

Alan, Kathy, could you guys like... Fuck you, tougher.

Anyway, I think making love is the spiritual communion of two souls,

just uniting this one.

Oh, yeah, I like that. Oh, yeah. I like that.

You have to trust the person to share the blossoming of your womanhood.

I'm too close. I'm too close.

Okay.

Why don't we just... You're the one of Alan and Kathy.

Oh, yeah. Let me help you with that.

Oh, it's Jeremy's first Christmas.

Let me see.

Look at that. Look at that. I definitely want this one.

So do I.

I refuse to die until I have it. I refuse.

All right, you can have it.

If I get Jeremy at the beach, Jeremy playing

soccer, and Jeremy to be named later.

Deal.

My first week in Whitestone.

God, this has got to be, like, what, ten years ago?

Have you really been there for ten years?

Not that long. I mean, come on. My father worked at his for forty.

So you've only got, like, thirty more to go.

Uh, this is just a temporary job for me.

You see, actually, I'm a writer, so I don't expect to...

Oh, you're a writer? How exciting.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to speak out of turn.

No, no, no.

Uh, I don't know exactly what you'll do.

I mean, I've never had a secretary before.

I guess, uh, answering the phones.

Oh, answering the phones is my favorite secretarial skill.

How do you like your coffee?

No, no, no. You don't have to get me coffee.

Oh, it's no trouble at all.

You know, Doctor, that girl can bake you a cake.

Almost as well as she can shoot the dust off a running dog.

Uh, Miss Petalby?

Please. Call me Toby, Mr. Tupper.

Okay. Toby, do you, uh... do you have any references?

Something wrong?

You see, my last employer died on the job.

We had a very close working relationship, and he developed a bleeding ulcer.

I guess he just kept things bottled up inside.

I'm sorry.

If references are a problem... Oh, no, no, no, no.

I think I have all I need.

And, uh, Toby, I like my coffee with cream and no sugar.

I'll remember that, Mr. Tupper.

What am I, slave girl?

Nice work, Picasso.

Yeah, yeah, I guess I'll just, uh, give this one to Toby.

Don't believe it. You guys skied?

We used to.

Why is that so surprising?

Well, you both so uncoordinated.

( music playing )

I'm caught. I'm caught.

Can we go home now?

What?

This isn't gonna work.

Jude, we just got off to a bumpy start. That's all.

Martin, you killed a dog.

I didn't mean to.

Suddenly, this little white dog ran out right beneath my headlight.

I can't believe you brought that up. See, you promised.

Oh, God, we didn't even go back.

Yeah, well, it was a little late for I'm sorry.

Jude, we came here to be together. You know what I mean?

Just the two of us, away from everything.

Well, let's not let a little dead puppy stand in our way.

It was not a puppy. It was an old dog.

An old dog that just ran out into the road.

I mean, it could have been a suicide.

Let's just drop it, all right?

No, I've been trying to since Connecticut.

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry. I'm in.

Okay.

Look, why don't we do something special tonight?

Like what?

I can think of something.

It didn't used to be special, you know,

but it is now since we do it so rarely.

All right, all right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you know, but it has been two

and a half months.

I mean, come on. There are prison terms shorter than that.

Martin, it's very difficult for me to

be intimate when I don't feel intimate.

Well, maybe we could feel intimate if

we could just, you know, like, be intimate.

I don't think it works that way.

Maybe we could just play naked twister.

I'm gonna keep my boots on.

Looks good.

We're just going through a rough time, that's all. We'll get through this.

Okay?

Yeah.

It looks better.

I've got a great idea.

That's not so good.

Maybe we could have a really, really romantic meeting, you know, like, go

out to dinner and go see a movie or something.

Oh, great. Great. We'll sit in the dark for two hours and not talk. Of

course. That's what we do at home.

If you don't want to see a movie, just say, "I don't want to see a movie."

No, I want to see a movie. I'm dying to see a movie. You know, I just can't

wait to see a movie. What's playing?

Benji, the hunted.

Will you stop with the dog? You don't think I feel bad about that, huh? I

feel horrible. Okay?

In 20 years, some dog will get my slippers

and spit on them because he knows who I am.

Now, come on, will you? I never killed anything before and...

It's okay. It's not your fault.

Look, we aren't going to talk about this again, okay? We're gonna...

We're gonna have a good weekend. Right?

Okay.

You brought work?

Oh, just a little light reading.

I thought this was supposed to be our time alone.

You have never been supportive of my career.

You're talking about. I started working at

Whitestone so you could go back to school.

I am talking about emotional support.

That is bullshit! I have always been there for you all the nights.

I've stayed up with you studying and brought you cups of coffee, and I typed

your thesis when you had 103 fever. What about that?

You know, this is bullshit. I'd have to justify my life for you.

You're right. You're right. You did. You were great then. You really were.

You brought me tea and held my hand, told me everything was gonna be okay.

It was great.

God, I was sick as a...

Cow. A cow.

I just... I got car mouth, okay? Just...

Just hold that thought, okay? Just wait. Just wait. Just two... half sides.

Want to see my toothbrush?

Shit, um, I think I forgot.

You forgot my toothbrush?

I'm sorry.

How could you forget my toothbrush? It's right there in the toothbrush over

next to yours. It's like... it's like an inch away.

I was rushing to pack and I guess I just grabbed one toothbrush.

Yeah, yours. You grabbed your toothbrush. Mine. Mine is home alone in the

toothbrush holder.

This is not that important.

No, not to you. You have yours. Now what am I supposed to do? Use the finger

method? Oh, no, gee.

That's an effective way of fighting cavities.

So use my toothbrush. I mean, what is the big fucking deal?

The big fucking deal is that you're packing for one.

This isn't working, Mark.

So, did you guys have fun skiing?

Huh? Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, why don't you take the picture?

No, no thanks. I don't... It's yours.

It's yours.

Yours.

Yours.

Yours.

Mine.

Hold it. What was that last one?

It's Jeremy's, the giant pumpkin.

No, no. I want that one.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's my Jeremy to be named later. It's later and I'm naming it.

You can't just name any Jeremy. I made him this costume, remember?

Well, I took the picture when I took him trick or treating for three hours.

Oh, yeah? And if it was so special, then how come it's been rotting in a box

for two years?

You spit on me again.

I did not.

All right, fine. Fine. You didn't spit on me again. Jeremy, could you hand

me that paper towel, please? Thank you.

Martin, hey, come on, you guys. Look, uh... This is a great shot.

The couch.

That's an insurance photo. You take pictures of things that are insured so

that you can get reimbursed if something happens to them.

I wish they had spit insurance.

Each of us has his dream, his hope, a goal

toward which we struggle from day to day.

But the most fortunate among us are

those who have someone to share the dream.

Get that weight until later.

Shh, shh, shh. This is good. This is really, really good.

Oh, I'm sorry. You were saying?

Honey, I want you to know I'm not selling

insurance. I'm selling peace of mind.

Now, God forbid your place burns down.

Shh.

Mommy!

In a minute, Jeremy.

Oh, damn it.

God forbid you get robbed.

Chicken is burnt. Totally ruined.

Great. It's just like last night's meatloaf. Now we have a matching set.

Please speak with Miss Lewis.

Judith, I'm trying to write.

Now, God forbid that there should be an earthquake.

An earthquake in New York?

Mm-hmm. 1783, a big one. Now, we're overdue, don't you think?

Mommy!

Jeremy, Mommy will be right with you. She's on the phone.

Daddy!

What?

Mommy!

Now, here in the comprehensive package, you get covered for hurricanes,

lightning, water damage of any kind. God forbid your pipe should burst.

Excuse me.

No, no. He's not obsessive. He's a writer. Yeah.

Judith, is this really necessary?

We have to have insurance.

What are you-- Our couch is not gonna get hit by lightning.

Mommy!

In a minute, Jeremy.

Don't yell at him.

I'm not yelling at him. I'm yelling at you.

But why are you yelling at me?

Because I'm 26 years old, I'm living in New York, and I'm getting fucking

earthquake insurance.

I need to go play the party.

What?

Jeremy, why don't you take the picture, okay?

Really? Cool.

Is that all right with you?

Yeah. In fact, why don't we let him have all the pictures?

Yeah, why don't we?

Awesome.

What's this? Oh, my God.

Forgot we took those.

You were supposed to get rid of these pictures.

They're my pictures.

Hey, hey, hey, Jeremy.

Here.

Here.

Down, down, down.

Down. Good.

Okay, okay.

Watch me out.

British actress Kate Beckinsale and stand-up comedian Bob Sajit joined David

Letterman.

Next.

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