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She set it down as soft as a baby duck's bottom.

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Is everything okay?

>> Yeah, I'm sorry.

Sorry, this is just a little difficult for me.

>> No, no, no, I mean, you don't have to apologize.

I'm just->> It's just, I just got out of this relationship.

>> Really?

>> Well, I didn't just get out, I was kind of gotten out.

All right, all right, I was dumped.

But believe me, it's over with, and it's for the best, and it's really not

worth going into.

So, where were we?

>> Now, wait a second, wait a second, you just got out of a relationship?

What happened?

>> No, I don't know.

Well, I do know, actually.

Ryan's a pig.

>> Ryan?

>> Possessive, pushy, totally insensitive.

>> We hate Ryan.

>> We do.

>> I can't see why anyone would possibly want to dump you.

>> You haven't seen Elaine.

We really hate Elaine, especially her

16-inch waist and her perky little breasts.

>> I mean, no wonder we hate her.

>> Anyway, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Just sort of dealing with it.

>> Well, you know, if all this is going too fast for you, I mean, we don't

have to rush things.

>> Would that be okay?

>> No, absolutely not.

>> Sure.

I mean, come on, you know, I'm not this Ryan.

>> No, you're not.

You're much more sensitive.

>> I'm a sensitive guy.

[ Music ]

>> I will never say that I was false apart, though absence seemed my flame.

Do qualify.

As easy might I from my self depart, as

from my soul, which in my breast doth lie.

>> Sometimes you can even see Venus.

>> Yeah.

>> It's beautiful when there's a full moon out.

>> That's a B.

>> Right.

>> R. Hitler.

>> Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

>> Martin.

>> Yeah.

>> Unless you want to do another word.

I was thinking we could maybe go to bed.

>> Go on.

You heard her.

Jump.

Don't think.

[ Music ]

>> So you scored with the sensitive thing.

>> No, no, I didn't score with the sensitive thing.

>> Man, there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

>> I mean, I've done very well with the sensitive thing.

>> Oh, you know what works great?

Buy one of those Victorian novels from those used bookstores.

Eddie, I'm not doing a thing, okay?

I just met this wonderful woman who's coming

off of a bad relationship and I'm just--.

[ Music ]

>> Being sensitive to them.

>> Okay, okay, it wasn't fair.

It's not a sensitive thing.

>> Thank you.

>> It's a rebound thing.

>> Could we just drop it, okay?

>> No, no, no, it's great.

It's great.

For the next four weeks, everything you do is going to be perfect.

Why?

Because you're not the other guy.

>> Classic rebound.

>> It's bullshit.

>> It's bullshit.

>> She likes me for who I am.

>> Maybe.

>> But she likes you more for who you're not.

>> Could we just have our lunch?

>> I'm just saying, take advantage of it.

Because in about four weeks, she's going to get over the other guy.

And then you're just going to be you.

>> Well, thanks for clearing that up.

Thank you very much.

[ Music ]

>> That's not very sensitive.

[ Music ]

>> Hi, can I help you?

>> Oh, uh, I was looking for Stephanie.

>> Oh, she's not back yet.

It's Wednesday.

She probably stopped at the farmer's market in Union Square.

Come on in.

>> Thanks.

>> Oh, look.

>> Weathering heights.

>> Yeah.

Hope she doesn't already have it.

>> Victorian novels, huh?

La la.

>> You know what?

Stephanie never told me she had a roommate.

>> Oh, I don't live here anymore.

I just never gave back my key.

I'm Ryan.

>> Ryan?

That's funny.

Stephanie used to go out with a gun and skip her.

Am I right?

>> Hey, you figured it out, Red.

>> Nice to meet you, Ryan.

How do you love a woman?

>> Do.

>> And who did you say you were again?

>> I'm Martin Tupper.

I'm the guy.

Stephanie's seeing you now.

>> Huh.

Well.

Well, well, well.

>> Is it possible that I am not wanted in this plot joint?

Undoubtedly.

>> Oh, Martin.

>> Stephanie.

>> Ryan, what are you doing here?

>> I'm meeting Martin.

He brought you a book.

It's Wuthering Heights.

>> Thank you, Ryan.

This is for you.

>> Thank you, Martin.

I've always wanted to read this book.

So, Stephanie, you're going out with a guy.

>> Is that like your business, Ryan?

>> She did tell you she was a lesbian, didn't she?

>> Hey, I can tell you from firsthand experience that Stephanie is not a --

>> A lesbian?

>> Is that a hard word for you to say, lesbian?

>> Don't label me Ryan.

>> Listen, Stephanie, we got to talk.

>> Okay.

Well, no.

I have nothing to say to you.

>> I broke up with Elaine.

>> Really?

I'm sorry.

She was so pretty and stupid.

>> You're right.

She was.

I should never have left you.

>> But you did.

And I'm with Martin now.

And I'm very happy.

>> So, then, that's it.

Thanks for stopping by.

>> Now, are you going?

Or are you going to wait and be kicked out?

>> Bye-bye now.

>> You're just trying to get back at me for Elaine.

>> Oh, I am not.

>> Then you're doing this for Donna.

>> Oh, my God.

Who's Donna?

>> Donna's my mother.

Come on, Steph.

I know I screwed up.

Don't do this.

>> She asked you to leave.

>> Oh, okay.

Fine.

I'll just leave you kids to your heterosexual fun.

>> Well, she's a hell of a guy.

>> I never said she was a guy.

>> You also never said she was a she.

>> What was only the second date?

>> Oh, I'm sorry.

And your gay lover is more of a now we're getting married,

you should know type of thing.

>> I'm sorry.

I didn't know how to tell you.

It's hard to know how to explain it to, you know, a man.

I guess I thought you might be threatened.

>> Threatened?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> I'm not threatened.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> I just wish I'd known.

That's all.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> It's no big deal.

>> Really?

>> Really.

You're threatened.

[ Music ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunting ]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just need a little air.

>> Martin, it's okay.

You don't have to -- >> No, no, no.

No, this is great.

I'll see you in a bit.

>> Now that I'm here and see what's to be had, I shall dally in the valley.

And believe me, I can dally.

>> Mm.

Martin, you've been down there for three hours.

>> No, no, it's okay.

I'm enjoying this.

>> Six times is enough.

I'm going blind.

>> I just want to make sure you feel good.

>> I can't feel anything anymore.

>> He's got a dill picking for a tongue,

and some day somebody's going to slap the lid down on him.

[ Sighs ]

>> That was wonderful.

>> Really?

>> You couldn't tell?

I think the neighbors know.

>> Well, I just -- [ Groans ]

I just wanted to, you know, do the things you liked.

>> Well, I did like them.

And I also liked what we did the other night.

>> Good, good, you know, 'cause that worked for me, too.

>> Martin, I've always liked sex with men.

That's not why I was with a woman.

>> It's not?

Uh, what was it?

>> Well, you know, it was all the other things.

>> Oh, sure.

>> Stephanie, do you want to exercise with me?

>> What other things?

>> Everything.

It's hard to explain.

>> Could you try?

>> Well, women talk to each other.

I talk.

I talk all the time.

>> I know, but it's not the same thing.

I mean, women listen.

>> I listen.

Look, I'm listening right now.

I'm talking and I'm listening.

>> And I can share and I can express my feelings and -- >> I can even cry.

I mean, under certain circumstances.

>> I know.

I know you can, but it's different.

I mean, when you were someone who's like you,

there's a connection, you know, comfort and ease.

You know what it's like?

It's like when you're with Eddie.

>> Oh.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, it's not like that at all.

I mean, no, Eddie may have -- No, no, no, it's not the same thing.

>> I don't think so.

>> No, no, no.

>> A lesbian?

>> No, no, she's not a lesbian.

>> Martin, she sleeps with women.

>> Yeah, yeah, but she sleeps with men, too.

>> Okay, so what you're saying is she's a part-time lesbian.

>> No.

Come on.

Look, we all have a masculine feminine side, right?

>> Not me.

>> Sure you do.

Come on.

We all do.

I have a feminine side.

>> Martin, is there something you're trying to tell me?

>> No, no, no.

As it happens, my feminine side is attracted to women.

>> So what you're saying is you're a lesbian.

>> Don't you care what anyone says, Mr. Gregg?

You wear it.

>> And I'm comfortable with that.

[ Music ]

>> Hi.

>> Hi.

>> You okay?

>> Yeah, I'm fine.

Come on in.

>> What's -- >> Hi, Martin.

>> What are you doing here, Ryan?

>> Martin, it's okay.

Everything's fine.

Ryan and I finally talk things over, and we're going to put everything

behind us and just be friends.

>> Great.

That's great.

>> I know you're still mad at her because she was such a pig when you first

met, but that's over with.

>> Yes, it's over with, I promise.

Friends.

>> Sure.

>> Sure.

>> I'm just going to go fix my face.

It'll only be a minute.

>> Okay.

>> Bye.

>> So, Ryan, are you from New York?

>> Look, I'm going to get her back, you know.

>> Excuse me?

>> I am getting her back.

>> Not a chance.

>> Oh, my God.

>> What?

>> I can't believe they killed Kathy.

How could they kill Kathy?

God, those Bronte sisters were twisted.

Are you coming out of there?

What?

>> Madam, you have no idea what you have missed.

And what delights await you?

>> You came for a show, my friends, and you shall have it.

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>> Is it my perfume?

>> Mm.

[MUSIC]

>> Hey!

>> [SOUND]

>> Oh, weird.

How did -- what was -- >> Uh, that?

In the morning, you want to go to Zay bars and get some locks?

>> No, I can't.

I told Ryan I'd have brunch with her tomorrow.

>> Yeah, Ryan again, huh?

>> Well, I'm sorry.

I would have invited you, but I don't think you'd want to come.

>> Oh, well, now we've got each other.

>> Look, I really think I should be there.

I mean, you know, it'll give Ryan a chance to get used to the idea of us.

>> Whether a man likes it or not, sometimes he has to do what he has to do.

[MUSIC]

>> There you go.

>> Thank you.

You are so incredible for being here.

>> He's all in hell.

>> I wanted to, really.

>> Stephanie.

Ryan, hi.

>> All the teams are lining up now.

The game is about to start.

>> Hello, Martin.

>> By the way, how is your ping pong?

>> Hello, Ryan.

>> Hi, how's yours?

You want to make anything out of it?

>> Nice tie.

>> Thank you.

>> I was hoping you'd wear an article of

clothing that points towards your genitals.

>> Ryan.

>> What's the matter, Ryan?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Die, envy?

>> God, I'm starving.

>> Me too.

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>> Hey.

Is that my sweater?

>> I don't think so.

>> Oh, I think it is.

Remember my sister gave me the sweater?

>> You're lying.

>> You know something?

Why don't you keep it?

It always looked better on you anyway.

>> You what?

You crud.

>> She steals my sweaters too.

My shirts, my socks.

My entire wardrobe.

>> If anyone sees the waiter, I don't have a napkin.

>> Oh, here, here, take mine.

>> No, no, no, take mine.

And still fold her.

[MUSIC]

And... >> Okay, let's order.

>> The specials are right over here.

Oh, honey, your tag is out there.

>> Oh.

Well, now you're messing up her collar.

>> Hold your-- >> Yeah!

We're going.

>> Did you guys stop?

I'm sorry.

>> No problem.

>> Oh, wow.

$10.50 for Caesar's salad.

>> You just order whatever you like.

>> Okay.

>> It's on me.

>> Oh, it's daddy paying for everybody.

>> Ryan.

>> What?

He's acting like your father.

Make up your mind, Martin.

Do you want to fuck her or bounce her on your knee?

>> I just want to buy my girlfriend lunch.

Is that a problem for you?

>> No, no, no.

The problem is you're all over her like a rash.

The problem is you're manly urged to let

everyone in the room know you own her.

It's like you're fucking Balboa and she's the Pacific Ocean.

You're just planting your flag all over the place.

Stop it.

>> Maybe Stephanie likes my flag.

>> Martin, listen.

You can wave your flag around all you like, but you'll never share with

Stephanie the kinds of things I have.

>> You know what?

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

I'm a man.

I'm not a woman.

I'm a man.

I've never had a bikini wax.

I can read a map and I piss standing up.

So what's your point?

>> My point is you're just threatened because we don't need a penis.

>> You sure about that?

>> That's it.

>> Well, here's your napkin.

Have a nice brunch.

>> Stephanie?

>> Stephanie.

>> Well, that's that.

>> Yeah.

I know how you feel.

[ Music ]

>> Shit.

>> Nice to see you, too.

And with flowers, no less.

That's a manly gesture, Martin, but I'm afraid you're too late.

>> Here.

Why don't you just give them to her?

You know what I mean?

I'd hate to see them go to waste.

>> What are you talking about?

I didn't win.

>> Stop busting my balls, will you?

>> I said you were too late.

We're both too late.

Seems she went off to Vermont with somebody named Chris.

>> What?

Who the hell is Chris?

>> I don't know.

>> Mr. or Ms.

>> Tonight we are confronted with a phenomenon that has the leading

scientists of the world completely baffled.

>> I don't believe this.

I don't blame her.

You know, I don't blame her.

I was such a frick.

>> Yeah, me too.

>> Yeah, you were a frick.

I mean, you know, hey, we were both pricks.

>> Well, I guess I'll just go home, throw some stuff, maybe cry a little.

>> Yeah, me too.

See you.

>> Bye.

>> Look, uh, would you like to get a coffee or something?

>> Coffee.

>> Yeah, forget it.

Forget it.

Forget it.

It was a stupid idea.

>> No, no, no, no.

It's a great idea.

But you know, as long as we're doing this

bonding thing, we might as well do it right.

Why not make it a beer?

>> Right out of the bottle.

>> You got it.

>> Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I'm looking for apartment 6F.

>> Oh, well, it's right at the other end of the hall.

>> Just right down there.

>> Can't miss it.

>> Great.

Thank you.

>> We have much in common, milady.

>> David Letterman talks to actor Martin Lawrence, and that's coming next.

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