Original subtitles

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC].

[MUSIC]

>> This is speed limit in this statement, Tinex.

45 miles an hour.

>> How fast is that going, Ozzy?

>> I'd say around 90.

>> Suppose you get down off your motorcycle, give me a ticket.

>> Suppose I let you off for the warning this time.

>> Suppose it doesn't take.

>> Suppose I have to whack you over the knuckles.

>> Suppose you're better over the back of the chair now.

>> You too.

>> I guess I usually am.

>> Same chair, same perfume, same anklet.

>> Same bad wig, same boneyard.

>> I wonder if you want.

>> Shh.

Shh.

Look, pal, we're just trying to watch the movie, okay?

>> Just ignore him fine.

>> Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Sorry, Martin.

Martin.

Martin.

Fuck you, Martin.

>> All right, asshole.

Oh, my God.

It's Elliot's turn.

It's Elliot Stern's, the Elliot Stern's.

>> Who?

>> One of the greatest natural wonders in America.

One of the mightiest spectacles in the world.

>> A shallow land, the crematorium.

He's one of the greatest living novelists.

>> He's one of the greatest living assholes.

>> Come on, guys.

I'll be right back.

>> You're the jam and you know it.

As you, all they want is my money.

See you.

>> I've always loved your work.

>> Shh.

>> I wonder if I know anything.

>> What?

>> That tears it.

>> It wasn't so much prison, my mind.

It was not getting laid for two and a half years.

>> Martin, I've got an early morning tomorrow.

I've got to get home.

>> Okay, okay.

I'll call you.

You know?

>> Great.

>> I can't tell you what a thrill it is to meet you.

I mean, your work has always been such an inspiration to me.

>> Are you a writer, Martin?

>> Well, sort of.

I mean, it's always been a dream of mine.

Of course, I've never actually finished anything.

>> You are being exceedingly modest.

>> Yes.

Yes, I'm a writer.

>> I hate writers.

>> Well, I'm really more of an editor.

>> Really?

Which house?

>> Whitestone.

We're a small, up-and-coming boutique.

>> Oh, that's the one who does those wretched romance novels.

>> That's us.

So, what have you been doing lately?

>> I'm teaching a fiction seminar at the university.

I've got a few pages of a new novel I've been working on.

Would you like to see them?

>> Oh, my God.

>> Really?

>> It would be such an honor, you know.

I mean, just to see your pages.

>> You can look at the pages, Martin.

But stop blowing sunshine up my arse.

>> Okay.

[ Music ]

>> Gibby, you are going to love me.

>> I've always loved you, Marty.

I thought you knew that.

>> What would you say if I told you I could get us the first novel in 12

years by... ...Elliott Stearns?

>> Not interested.

>> What?

>> Not interested.

Oh, sure, he used to be something.

He knew how to write a hell of a fuck scene he did.

But he's old fish now, Marty.

It's all dried up.

A drunken syphilitic has been.

>> Oh, come on.

Some of us are trying to eat here.

>> He showed me his first chapter, Gibby.

I mean, it was incredible.

>> No.

Sorry.

Too risky.

Everybody knows he's impossible.

Whose office is this?

>> Gibby, when I was 17, I read "A Shallow Land."

I didn't talk to my parents for three weeks, you know.

I mean, it totally changed my life.

Now, what is it going to take for you to let me do this book?

>> You could guarantee his advance against your salary.

>> Oh.

>> Right.

Oh, thanks for the anecdote about your formative years.

>> So what?

So somebody put a whammy on this world dream.

>> I'll do it.

What a gigantic set of testicles you have, Marty.

You got your book.

[ Music ]

>> Now, this here is your love line.

>> Here?

What's it say?

>> Sorry, I'm late.

>> My goodness, it wraps clear around to the back of your hand.

You have a lot of love in you.

>> That's true.

Most people don't see that in me.

>> Toby, do you think you could -- >> Hey, we're doing something here.

>> You were saying?

>> This pet will be.

Why don't we continue this at another time?

>> Any time, you sir.

>> Did you ever see eyes so blue?

>> Only in cartoons.

>> Okay.

So, where do we start?

>> Here's a good place to look.

>> No.

No, thank you.

But that's a beautiful flask.

>> Thank you.

It was a gift from Mr. Ernest Hemingway when I was a few years younger than

you are now.

Just after he bought me my first tour.

>> Hemingway, huh?

Well, maybe just a sip.

>> This may be the biggest thing that's ever happened.

>> What is that?

>> Absar.

Tasty, isn't it?

But go carefully.

Apparently it causes paralysis.

>> Well, I have to tell you, I thought your pages were terrific.

You know, I really -- I can't wait to see where it goes next.

>> Neither can I.

>> There is no cause for laughter and there is reason to be angry.

>> Oh.

Do you have a direction in mind?

>> To be honest, Martin.

I've been staring at those pages for the last 12 years.

And I haven't got a clue.

>> Get out there and do something.

>> Well, I may be way out of line here, but while

I was reading it, you know, I had a thought.

>> Well, go ahead and be my guest.

>> Well, I just thought -- and I'm sure

this has occurred to you already, you know.

But what if Sean and Colin were brothers?

>> Brothers?

>> Oh, I like that.

Oh, that has a kind of a twist to it, doesn't it?

A sort of resonance.

>> You should be very proud of yourself.

>> Then the fight at the beginning becomes -- >> Indeed, indeed.

>> And when they get separated?

>> Of course.

>> And the woman? The woman at the funeral?

>> Could be Kathleen.

>> Well -- >> Martin, this is so exciting.

Damn, I've got an 11 o'clock seminar.

Martin, we've got to get some of these ideas on paper.

Do me a favor.

Jot it all down.

And anything else that comes to mind, I can't wait to tear into it.

>> Great.

I'll get them to you as soon as I can.

>> Martin, I haven't been so inspired since I wrote "To Shallow Land" in my

mother's attic.

>> Wow.

>> Thank you.

[ Music ]

>> It is good to a small type of piece with good companions.

It is good for all blue beavers.

It is good for all blue beavers.

Him friend to all blue beavers.

[ Music ]

>> Your pages are set.

>> Elliot?

>> You expect me to sleep after reading this garbage?

>> What are you talking about?

I mean, this is what we discussed, right?

Yesterday, you liked everything I said.

>> Ah.

But then you had to go and write it down.

It's like you get everything you know from television.

>> I don't know where you got an idea like that.

>> You've got the poison fingers, Martin.

I can't work for this.

It wasn't totally fleshed out.

>> Well, maybe you better flesh it out then.

>> I'm sorry.

>> I expect more from my editor, Martin.

Some place you got here.

>> Thank you.

Thank you.

I've, uh, I've had it for years.

>> It's a coffin.

>> Pardon me?

>> Why don't you put some handles

on it and you can lower it into the ground.

>> Well, it is rent stabilized.

>> No wonder you never made it as a writer.

No wonder you never finished anything.

>> Why don't you just take the whole bottle?

>> No, that'll do.

>> Martin, Martin, Martin, what are we going to do with you?

>> I don't know that we need to do anything with me.

I think I'm doing just fine.

>> Of course you are.

But I want so much more for you.

I want your life to be full of passion.

I'm talking about grabbing this whole fucking planet by the balls

and saying, "Fuck you planet, I exist!"

Have you ever done that?

>> Not in so many words, no.

>> Ha ha.

Martin, I'm going to teach you to live.

I'm going to teach you what it takes to

be a writer, like Mr. Hemingway taught me.

>> Really?

>> Martin, I'm going to get you out of here, out of this apartment,

out of this city, out of New York.

[music]

>> Last place.

I should have brought my tattoo.

Why do you have it?

>> I guess I'll get a glass of milk.

>> Why?

That's good.

>> Shall I ride, please?

>> No, you're done.

We'll get the whole bottle.

Put it over there.

What the hell?

I'll take the whole bottle.

>> That'll be 70 bucks.

>> Take credit cards?

Cash will be fine.

>> Goodness of squeeze, baby.

>> Fuck you, Elliot.

>> But if you're interested, I got a mattress in the back.

>> I'd pass that one up if I were you.

>> I already have a mattress.

>> Thank you.

>> You're not entering into the spirit of things.

>> Ah, dear, have a drink.

>> No.

All the way down.

>> You can't spatch as you can, though, at all.

>> What do you say?

Another?

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

[ Singing ]

>> That was so nice that you was eating your own cake.

Buy me another drink.

>> She's got another drink.

>> Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir.

I'll have with Tequila.

[ Singing ]

>> All right.

Sorry.

We were just having some fun.

>> Martin, don't be afraid.

This is what life's about.

Drinking and pouring and sinning in some asshole's face.

There are consequences so much the better.

>> Ellie, Ellie, this guy could hurt us a lot.

>> I know.

That's why you must get drunk first.

Have a Tequila.

Have a Tequila.

Have a taste.

>> He's from another country, you know?

He doesn't know what he's doing.

He's deranged.

[ Chatter ]

>> There you little fucker.

[ Chatter ]

[ Chatter ]

>> Whoa.

That was living contact flesh against flesh.

>> I didn't even land a punch.

>> How did it get to your feet a lot longer than I expected?

>> I did, didn't I?

>> And the evening wasn't a total loss.

During the fracas, I grabbed these.

Oops.

Here.

On we go.

[ Music ]

>> Ah, Martin.

Tonight was something, huh?

It was something.

>> You really impressed me, Martin.

You drank like a writer.

You fought like a writer.

You puked like a writer.

Now it's time for you to fight like a writer.

[ Music ]

>> I couldn't be sick right now if I tried.

[ Music ]

>> Get away from me, you son of a bitch.

>> Calm down.

>> Who the hell do you think you are?

All right.

Stay right there.

>> Calm down.

>> Don't move.

>> Hey.

>> Stand back, Martin.

>> I got a clear shot at him.

>> Toby, what are you doing?

>> That pervert tried to attack me.

>> I was only saying hello.

>> I'm sure it was just some sort of misunderstanding.

>> It's hard to misunderstand the hand up your skirt.

>> Okay, okay.

That's enough.

That's enough.

Now why don't we get to work?

Toby, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Look, if you get a chance, I think we could use some coffee.

>> I think we could use a restraining order.

[ Music ]

>> What the hell were you thinking?

>> That if I just got my hand up her skirt, the rest would be a snap.

>> I think we're going to have a little trouble.

>> All right.

All right, Elliot, what have you got for me?

>> Martin, it's not exactly an estate.

>> Elliot, this is no good.

This is no good.

I've been giving you chapter after chapter.

You wanted an outline.

I gave you an outline.

You wanted more detail.

I gave you more detail, but I've been doing

everything but the fucking punctuation.

Now come on.

When am I going to see what you're doing with it?

I've got a lot on the line here, Elliot.

>> Martin, damn it.

It's not exactly easy for me.

I can't know what it's been like these last 12 years.

It's as if the words had abandoned me.

They're coming now.

>> Coming slowly.

It's so frustrating, particularly as your

pages have been coming in so brilliant.

>> What was that last one?

>> Your last few chapters?

Oh, they're so far beyond what you were doing a month ago.

>> Passion? It's as if you tore into yourself and spewed your entrails all

over the pages.

>> You like it?

>> It's inspiring.

It's made me want to write again.

I can't tell.

I want you to have this.

>> Hemingway's flask?

Oh, no.

No, no.

I couldn't.

>> Thank you.

>> You keep going, Martin.

I'll catch up to you.

>> Oh, my God.

>> Elliot Stern.

This must be so exciting for you.

Tell me, what's he like?

>> He has a handful.

There are a few bars in Hoboken I'm not allowed in now.

But overall, I'd say he's pretty -- >> Where's that last chapter, Martin?

I'm tired of waiting for it.

>> What?

I just gave you 20 pages.

>> I want the rest of it.

>> I can't just crank this stuff out.

>> Oh, I see what's been keeping you.

>> I've been doing a little bit of this and that, have you?

>> Elliot Sterns, this is Judith.

She's my ex-wife.

>> Ex-wife?

Why'd you throw her out?

She's a little bony, but -- I bet she could wrap those legs round me twice.

>> Elliot!

Knock it off.

>> Ever done it with a Pulitzer Prize, when, Amy darlin'?

Not good for me, eh?

What are these?

Those are not ready to show you yet.

Those -- >> I sound great to show my buttocks.

That crap!

This whole book is crap.

>> Jude, Jude, Jude, wait, wait.

I'm sorry about this.

When he drinks, he gets crazy.

He's really not a bad guy, you know?

I mean, he's just kind of a character.

>> Martin, he's pissing on your book.

>> Elliot!

What the fuck are you doing?

>> Just a minor rewrite, son.

>> Out, out, out, get out!

>> I'll see you tomorrow.

>> No, Elliot, no, I don't think so.

This is it, Elliot.

I've had it with your bullshit.

I've laid it on the line for you time and time again.

And I -- I -- >> Looks like I'm talking to myself.

I'll get him up.

>> It's very difficult to instill clean Christian principles in the face of

such poor sanitation.

>> Listen, I told you this was going to

be a 200-foot -- >> Toby, I'm off to lunch.

>> Don't forget to chew.

>> Do I look like I'm made of money?

>> You're trash.

>> Why don't you -- >> Oh, no, not here.

>> You've been avoiding him ever since you told Elliot to cheese off face at

the back of the house.

>> Why don't you just pay Gibby and take it like a man?

>> Look, I'll be at Tapper's office.

Just get rid of him.

>> Hello, Toby?

>> He's in there.

>> How comfy to have you in my corner.

>> Marty!

>> Gibby, hi.

>> I was just on my way to lunch.

>> In an interesting communication with Elliot Stans this morning.

>> Be a ways of punishing little boys who do not tell the truth.

>> I tell truth.

>> Look, he was impossible to work with.

You were right, okay?

You were right.

And I'll pay the money as soon as I can.

>> Marty, as much as I enjoy hearing phrases like "you were right" and "I'll

pay you the money,"

I haven't got the faintest idea what you're talking about.

>> Elliot Stans delivered the book this morning.

>> Amen.

>> Of course he did.

>> And I've got to tell you, Marty, it's brilliant.

>> This is great, you know?

I just didn't expect -- >> The little devil hasn't written a word.

>> This is my book.

>> Yes.

Yes, it is, Marty.

Congratulations.

>> No, Gibby, no.

This is my book.

I wrote this book.

>> Marty, Marty, Marty.

Yes, of course it's your book.

They are all our books when an editor works as hard as you do.

>> This is my book!

>> And you should be very, very proud.

>> What are we going to do now?

[ Music ]

>> Right, then.

>> Then will you be going off below down?

>> I used to look up to him.

I think this is a man I want to become.

>> I can't believe you did this to me!

>> Hello, beloved lass.

>> You mean -- >> Ah, now, forget it, forget it, forget it.

>> Oh, come on, Marty.

It's on me.

>> You put your name on my book, Elliot.

>> I wrote the first chapter.

I wrote the last.

>> Yeah, I hated your last chapter.

It was stupid.

It was stupid.

It just didn't make any sense.

>> No, it made sense when I wrote it.

Of course, I was a little soaked at the

time, but -- >> You are fucking incredible.

>> You read the dedication?

>> What?

>> Why?

What dedication?

>> For Martin, in truth, this is his book.

>> Truth, huh?

>> Oh, yes, well, this makes me feel much better.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

>> Oh, Martin is all pissed off.

>> All right, I took something from him, yes.

But I gave something back.

>> You finished a book.

>> That's true.

>> Yeah, so?

>> I just finished things.

That's what separates them from any old treadmill with a pen.

>> You're a writer now.

>> Yes.

>> You don't have to thank me.

>> Not a problem.

>> You mean to say there's two of them?

>> Did Hemingway give you two flasks?

>> Oh, Martin.

I buy these at Macy's.

>> Made in Taiwan.

>> Some fucking hero.

Are you even Scottish?

>> That part's true.

>> You learned a great deal from me, Martin.

>> I really did.

You taught me to drink like a writer, to fight like a writer.

You take the consequences, flesh against flesh.

Of course, it was mostly my flesh that was taking the consequences.

I never really got the land of consciousness.

>> You will, my boy.

>> You will?

>> Oh, yes.

[ Music ]

>> Comic actor Tom Covana and funny man Jake Johansson.

Join David Letterman.

Next.

[ Music ]

[ Music ]

[ Music ].