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>> It's so unfair.

>> Just forget it, Jeremy.

You're not spending $200 on a pair of roller blades.

>> But it's my money.

>> Yeah, but it was Nana's gift, right?

And she wants you to save that money for college.

>> College costs $15,000.

What difference is $200 gonna make?

>> You should be proud of your son.

He doesn't have to go to school.

He knows everything.

>> Jeremy, I just bought your skates two months ago.

>> I know, but those are the cheap ones.

Shot in the back.

>> Listen, this place is a mess.

Your grandparents are gonna be here any minute.

So here, we'll talk about the skates later.

>> Such bullshit.

>> Excuse me?

>> I said this is bullshit.

>> Listen, young man, since when do you talk like that?

>> Dad, I'm gonna be 13 on Saturday.

Do you even remember what it was like to be 13?

>> I ran away from home rather than be bar mitzvah.

>> Vaguely.

>> Yeah, well, I'm a teenager now, and I think I should be allowed to curse.

I mean, you curse, mom curses.

>> All right.

You want to curse?

Go ahead, curse.

>> Bullshit.

>> There you go.

>> Tits.

>> Fine.

Fine.

You think that makes you mature?

You think that makes you an adult?

>> It's a fucking start.

[knocking]

>> I'll go get the fucking door.

>> That's your boy.

>> That's right.

That's my friend, Joy.

>> Hello!

>> Hey, how you doing, Dan?

>> It's your birthday boy.

>> You look good.

>> You look good.

>> Hello, sweetheart.

>> Hi, Mom.

How you doing?

>> He's an orange, dear.

>> Oh, thanks.

>> Well, come on in.

>> Oh, the apartment looks lovely.

>> Thank you.

>> So how much you paying for this place these days?

>> Dad.

>> I'm asking.

Roughly.

>> Tell the court what it wants to know and get off easy.

>> 1,400.

>> 1,400?

1,400 a month?

Jesus Christ.

And what do you get for that?

>> Well, I get to live here.

>> 1,400?

>> Yeah.

And he won't even let me get a pair of roller skates.

>> He won't let you get roller skates?

>> Mom, come on, please.

>> You had roller skates?

Why won't you let him get roller skates?

>> He has roller skates.

Brand-new roller skates.

>> You want roller skates, sweetheart?

I'll get you roller skates.

>> That kid's a creep.

>> Sit down, Mom.

Come on, sit down.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Dad, take a seat, will you?

>> So, how's Florida?

>> Florida's Florida.

It's humid and there's oranges.

>> Yeah.

>> Let's see.

>> I told you Rose Middleman passed away.

Cancer.

Oh, Dr. Weinstein died.

Cancer.

And remember that little woman, Mrs. Green, on the first floor with the dog?

Heart attack.

The dog has cancer.

>> What, are you guys near power lines?

I mean, why don't you move or something?

>> Well, that's about it.

>> Actually, there is the other thing.

>> We said we were going to wait on the other thing.

>> We said we were going to have a pleasant hello first.

>> This wasn't pleasant?

>> What?

What?

What is it?

>> Fine.

You don't want to tell, we won't tell.

>> Up to you.

>> Fine.

You want to wait?

We'll wait.

So sit down, sweetheart.

Tell me how is school.

>> You can't do that.

You can't bring it up and then just not tell.

>> Take it easy, Dad.

>> Well, come on.

Come on.

What?

>> I think maybe Jeremy should go to his room.

>> It's okay, Grandma.

I'm almost 13 and I'm not deaf.

>> Please.

Mom, come on.

What?

What is it?

>> I'm afraid your father... >> He's going to die, isn't he?

>> Your father and I are getting a divorce.

>> A divorce?

Really?

>> Holy shit.

>> Divorce.

>> A divorce?

A divorce.

There, now you know.

>> Shicky.

>> So what are we going to do for lunch?

>> Aren't you a little old to be getting divorced?

>> What the hell does that mean?

>> Well, I'm sorry.

I'm just a little surprised.

I mean, you know, you've been married as long as I've known you, you know,

and I just... Okay.

Okay.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

>> Have you ever stopped to think that a family should be the most wonderful

thing in the world?

That this family's just gone to pieces?

>> We have?

>> Of course we have.

>> You see, sweetheart, it's so difficult to talk personally.

>> Mom.

>> Now this is a nice suit.

>> It's okay, Mom.

I mean, you can talk to me.

I'm not a little kid anymore.

>> You're right.

You're right.

Zip up your fly.

Look, I've put up with him long enough.

He's stubborn.

He doesn't communicate.

He's a yeller, not a talker.

Sesame rounds?

>> No offense.

>> There was a time when it didn't mean so much.

I had you kids, the house, but now...

Well, you see, sweetheart, I was thinking

how routine and predictable my life is.

>> Your father really never was able to satisfy me sexually.

>> What?

>> There's nothing so sweet as a boy's mother.

>> You wanted to know, so I'm telling you.

>> I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Just go on.

Please.

>> You see, sweetheart, Daddy doesn't know what to do in bed.

>> Honey, would you like a piece of gum?

>> Darling, it means so much to me that I can talk to you like this.

>> I'm here for you, Mom.

>> With your father, there never was much foreplay.

>> Tonight, your husband wants a little loving attention.

>> And if you must know, he was never really fond of... >> What?

>> Oral.

>> Surgery.

>> Fixation.

>> Roberts.

>> Sex.

>> Mom.

>> Please.

>> There is one other thing you ought to know.

>> No, no.

If it's about Dad, I just -- I don't want to hear it.

>> It isn't.

>> I've been seeing a man.

>> What?

>> Maybe I should come back later.

>> Who?

>> Do you remember Harry Grossman?

From the club.

The balding man with the Bermuda shorts.

>> Oh, gee, well, that narrows it down.

>> He's the nice man who throws pennies to the kids in the pool.

>> Hello.

>> That's the guy you're having an affair with?

>> Oh, he's so good for me, honey.

He listens, he's funny, and romantically --

>> The man who throws pennies in the pool?

>> You can't believe it.

Things that I only read about in those books that you published.

For the first time in my life, I'm experiencing

multiple -- >> Okay, okay, that's it.

That's it.

We're done sharing.

>> I'm sorry, sweetheart.

It's just that I'm so happy.

>> Well, then I am too, Mom.

[ Music ]

>> Kind of small, isn't it?

>> No, no, no, not really.

>> When did they move you down here?

>> Oh, Dad.

This has always been my office.

>> You know, Dad, I've always been here.

>> No.

This little room, it's like a supply closet.

>> You know, Dad, you visited me here a dozen times, you know,

and every time you come, you say the same thing.

>> Are you sure you didn't have a bigger office?

>> No, Dad, you had a bigger office.

>> Well, sure, I had a bigger office.

>> Don't make me do it, Pop.

>> I hear you went shopping with your mother yesterday.

She tell you about Harry?

>> You know about Harry.

>> I know about Harry.

I knew about Harry before she knew about Harry.

We used to play bridge with him and Arlene.

I saw the way he looked at her.

>> Harry's married?

>> No, Arlene passed away.

Cancer.

>> So, you just let it happen?

I mean, what, you knew about it and you let it happen?

>> Hey, I figured she'd have her thing and be done with it.

I mean, Christ, I've had one or two women over the years,

but I never let it affect the marriage.

The marriage was sacred.

You had one or two women?

Then last week she turns to me, we were

in the pool, and she says she wants out.

She loves Harry.

As it happens, I didn't hear any of this.

I had the earplugs in.

But that night, she was packing.

One or two, Dad.

I mean, which was it?

One or two?

Actually, three.

Three?

You, you, you, you, you.

Look, come on, Daddy, you got to get them all back.

The hell with her!

The hell with her and the hell with Harry.

I don't want to be married to anybody who doesn't want to be married to me.

Okay, okay.

I'm all right.

What are we going to do for lunch?

You want corned beef?

When I come to New York without getting

corned beef, what's the matter with you?

Okay, you, how about the corgi?

Forget it.

They always make the sandwiches too

big and you have to take half of it home.

Then you got to throw it out.

Catses?

Too far!

Just corned beef!

Somewhere!

Come on!

Okay.

Okay, Dad, we'll just, we'll go to the place in the corner.

Do they have it lean?

Yeah.

They haven't lean.

[sniffing]

So you're really doing okay?

What, me?

Yeah, I'm okay. Yeah, I'm fine.

Bullshit, Dad.

By the way, I wish you and I had had a little chat

before you gave him the green light to start talking like a truck driver.

It is bullshit.

You're totally in denial, Dad.

I am not.

By the way, I wish you'd stop teaching him these bullshit psychology terms.

And I am not in denial. I'm just fine.

Really.

Believe it or not, just because you're turning 13 doesn't mean you know

everything, you know?

There's a lot of stuff you don't know.

Do you know that lightning fertilizes the soil?

And did you know that eggs that are washed boil quicker?

Just feel bad for Grandmama and Grandpapa.

Hey, hey, sorry I'm late.

Where are they?

I don't know. I told them seven, you know?

So how you doing?

Would everybody stop? I'm fine. Come on.

It's not like I'm a kid and this is happening, you know?

I mean, I can handle this.

I'm just glad I can, you know, be there for them.

Okay. So how are they doing?

Beautifully.

How the hell?

What? Just because we're getting a divorce, I don't get a vote?

That's right.

Oh, thank you very much, Mr. I make all the decisions.

Hold it. I thought I was Mr. Can-Hail-a-Cab.

You're making me crazy!

Oh, hello, everyone.

Yours.

Hi, Mom.

Judith.

Hi.

How is that incredible husband of yours?

Well... How can another be so hard?

We've been reading in People magazine how they're naming a new element after

him in the periodic table.

Like we needed a new element.

Look at you, Eddie Charles, big shot talk show host.

You know, all the guys in my club love your show.

Well, thanks, Mick. Our numbers are really strong in Miami.

Well, I can't forget when you wet your pants in the back of my Oldsmobile.

Yes, and you never let me forget that either.

Hey, Uncle Eddie, will you like laughing

really hard because sometimes I'll drop it.

Hi. I hope everybody's hungry.

I'm sorry we're late. Your father and I got into a thing.

Let me ask you something.

Doris.

I'm just asking.

You know your father and I have a burial plot together.

Yeah?

Well, now your father is informing me that

he doesn't want to be buried next to me.

You don't want to be married to me. I don't want to spend eternity with you.

Go get buried with Harry.

Dad, just lower your voice, please.

Harry is being buried next to Arlene.

I want to be buried next to my family.

Well, you can't have everything, Doris. You made your choice.

By war. Why can't the world live in peace?

Gee, look at the size of those shrimp.

Jeremy, have you ever seen shrimp that big?

Only in books, Dad.

So what are you going to do with the extra plot?

I don't know. I'll... I'll give it to Martin.

Well, actually, Dad, Judith and I already have our own plot.

You do?

We got them as a wedding gift from Aunt Minnie.

Uh, Martin, I imagine I'll be buried next to Richard.

Great. Great.

What am I supposed to do with an extra plot?

Don't look at me. I'm going to live forever.

I want to be cremated.

Maybe you should have sounded a public school.

Maybe that was our mistake.

I know. I'll be buried with Martin.

And, Mickey, you can keep your damn plot.

Wait a minute. You're going to be buried with her?

What about me?

Martin, who would you rather be buried with? Your father or me?

I can't do it, Mr. Her. I can't do it.

Forget it. Forget it. This is ridiculous.

Why don't you just say it? You'd rather be buried with her.

That's not true.

What? You'd rather be buried with him?

Mom, I didn't say that.

You don't have to. If you want to spend the rest of time with a woman

picking lint off your suit, be my guest.

Dad, come on now.

I have lost my appetite. Which way is the lady's room?

Shattering, isn't it?

[MUSIC]

Okay. Okay. Come out now.

Huh?

Dad, this looks like a little kid's party.

What? What? The balloons?

Come on. I'm 38. I love balloons.

You cut them party favors?

With the kid's names on them?

Come on. Your friends are going to love them. You'll see. I got some really

neat stuff.

Happy birthday.

This one is from me. I hope you like it.

This one is from me. I know you like it.

This is madness.

Jeremy, why don't you start a present pile? Go ahead.

Now look, this is Jeremy's day and I don't

want you to do anything to ruin his party.

So if you're going to fight or make a scene, I don't even want you here.

Do you understand?

We'll be good, sweetheart.

As long as she doesn't start.

Okay. Who wants another piece of cake?

Huh?

Come on. Come on. Fudge you. The whale's melting over there.

Dad.

Oh. Okay. More for me then.

Hey, hey. That's for me.

Hey.

Oh, wow.

Claudia, thank you so much.

This is the best present I ever got.

Because of the blades.

You want a divorce?

The children won't be hurt too much.

I have to go, Mr. Tupper. Thank you for a very nice party.

Uh, wait, wait, Mindy. I'll get you your party favors.

[chatter]

You know, if I were you, I would divorce me and marry another girl.

That's okay, Mr. Tupper. No, thanks.

Oh, come on. Come on, Mindy. Everybody likes party flavors.

Yeah. Open mine next.

Thanks, Grandpa.

You knew that I got him the roller blades.

[footsteps]

I wanted divorce!

Divorce. Divorce. Divorce. Divorce. Divorce.

Well, it does happen.

Really, Mr. Tupper, I don't want them.

How could you not want them?

I mean, look, Mindy, there's some really cool glasses,

and there's a clicker-clacker, and wax

lips, and look, there's even a paddle ball.

Yo-yo, I mean, who doesn't like it? Yo-yo, come on, Mindy.

Just take your goddamn party favors.

My parents are getting divorced!

Excuse me.

You know, there's something wonderful about having a mother and a father

when you're growing up.

A mother who can take care of you and kiss you when you cry,

and a father who can do a lot of things.

[somber music]

And now on I depend on nothing, no one but myself.

Listen, maybe we could share a count.

Hey, pal, how you doing?

Listen, man, I just want you to know that I'm taking home my party favors,

and I'm gonna play with every single one of them.

Great.

Are you feeling better?

Not really.

Here, call us later.

There's two numbers here.

We're staying at separate hotels, dear.

We're sorry.

We're sorry.

Go sit, and I'll finish up.

Thanks.

So you want another party?

Nah, it's okay.

It's better than the clown we had last year.

[chuckles]

You okay?

Yeah, sure, sure.

It's gonna be all right.

Thanks.

No, it is.

Believe me, I know.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

You'll probably hate your mom for a while,

and your dad, it kinda flips back and forth.

You really hated me?

Sure, for a while.

And you won't want to take sides, but you will anyway.

Mm.

What's happening?

I've never been through this from the kid's side before.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Big time.

You should be proud of your son.

He doesn't have to go to school.

He knows everything.

Dad, do you know what might make you feel better?

What?

Don't push, don't push, don't push.

Don't let me go.

Don't let me go.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I feel much better now.

Thank you.

Oh, you have to go faster.

Yeah?

All right.

Be careful.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You having fun now, Dad?

Queen Latifah joins David Letterman on

the late show, and that's coming right up.

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(snoring)

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