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[MUSIC].

Who is it? Her name is Claire.

Is this a girlfriend?

Dad.

Geez, Dad.

Is it?

Well, yeah. I think so.

Imagine. The kid wants to take after me.

No kidding.

I can't wait to meet her.

She's a little different.

I'm sure I'll like her. I like all your friends.

Well, she doesn't like all my friends.

[MUSIC]

Does she like computers?

Probably not.

[MUSIC]

We're seeing Peter Pan with you.

No, Dad. No.

[KNOCKING]

Hey.

Hey, how you doing?

Dad, I'd like you to meet... Dracula's daughter.

Claire.

Um... I'm... Jeremy's dad.

It's nice to meet you, Martin.

[DOOR OPENS]

Excuse me.

I'm sorry. Does the smoke bother you?

Actually, yes. Yes, it does.

Then don't inhale.

Oh, look, Claire.

So, did you take the subway?

Yeah.

I'm gonna fix you, Eric.

So, uh, how'd you two meet?

Ditching history.

Really? Ditching history? Well, it sounds neat.

Later on, you'll have to tell me all about it.

Well, I guess we ought to get going.

What is that? What is that?

Aren't they supposed to take those off?

Yeah.

And I suppose it set off the alarm, huh?

I wouldn't know. I was running too fast.

I want you to know, Claire, I do not approve of stealing.

Really? Wow. Thank you, Martin.

I've learned a hard lesson today.

You really hate the child, don't you?

Well, I guess you're outta get going.

See you later, Dad.

Later, Martin.

And I'd appreciate it if you'd call me Mr. -- [DOOR OPENS].

Girls certainly have changed since I was a girl.

[DISTORTED VOICES]

Are you sure?

Jeremy's told me a lot about her, and she sounds like a really sweet girl.

Sweet? Just let me tell you something.

If she were 10 years older than a guy

and not too big, I would've smacked her.

[CHUCKLES]

Martin, Jeremy's the one who's dating her night and do.

You know what?

Jeremy!

Hello.

What's up, Martin?

Hi.

Mom?

This is Claire.

I'd step right up and get your tickets. The show begins in two minutes.

Claire!

Uh... Jeremy's told me so much about you.

[CHUCKLES]

Hello.

I believe you've met Mr. Tupper.

Oh, man. Look at this place.

Shit.

When you married that doctor guy, you sure fell into it, didn't you?

We both do fairly well.

[DOOR OPENS]

Man, maybe I'll marry a rich guy, too.

I have a job, Claire. I'm a PhD in clinical psychology.

I help people deal with their problems.

Yeah, the ones who can afford it.

You listen, young lady. I also volunteer twice a month at a clinic downtown.

How noble.

Is this pure silk?

It was a gift.

Right.

Well, I gotta get going.

See you, Martin.

I'm gonna walk her out.

Isn't she great?

Isn't she the sweetest thing?

Martin, that girl is evil.

What are we gonna do about this?

We'll just talk to him, okay?

I mean, we'll have to make him understand that this is not the right kind of

girl for him.

There was nothing wrong with owning a nice blouse.

I wonder what happened to that kid.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, hi.

You're up late.

Do you know what time it is?

Yeah, 1.38.

That's... I have 12.15.

It's 1.38. Now where the hell have you been?

Out with Claire.

Oh, out with Claire.

Out with Claire.

All right, come on, sit down. Come on, come on, come on, sit down.

Jeremy?

Dad, we're not having sex.

Oh.

I... I never thought you were.

Jeremy, your mother and I don't think that Claire is the kind of girl you

should be going out with.

Oh, really? Why not?

All right, go ahead and say it.

We think she's a bad influence on you.

In what way?

She may just skip history class.

It's World War II. I know who won.

And she was rude to your mother.

You're rude to my mother.

Yeah, well, I'm her ex-husband, you know, and I'm allowed.

So this is about manners.

Jeremy, she steals. The girl steals. She's a thief.

Dad.

She smokes. She swears. She's... She's Dracula's daughter.

She's bad. She's a bad girl.

You know, I don't mean to be judgmental,

you know, but they're out there and...

They're bad.

I know, Dad. Isn't it neat?

Neat?

Well, yeah, I mean, come on, Dad. Didn't you ever go out with a bad girl?

Well, no. Frankly... They don't like me.

They were the kind of girl that I cared to be associated with.

So what do you want me to do? Go out with girls I meet at the library?

Hey, I met your mother at the library.

Look how well that turned out.

Would you like to be grounded for the rest of your life?

Now, look. This is for your own good.

I don't think you should see Claire anymore.

Yeah, well, thanks for the opinion, Dad.

It all blows up in your face sometimes, doesn't it?

(

I'll be right there.

Who is it?

I want to talk to Martin Tupper.

Who are you?

Gloria Gantz, Claire's mother.

Take my advice and run. Do not walk to the nearest exit.

Can I help you?

How the fuck you get off telling your kid he can't go out with my daughter?

Now listen.

You think she's not good enough for him or something, huh?

Hey! Hey! Your daughter came in here

dressed like first prize at a biker rally.

Okay. Second prize.

She lit up a cigarette.

In my apartment.

Huh?

The bug did so much. Why didn't you tell her to stop?

I did tell her to stop. She told me not to inhale.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Really.

She can be a little bitch sometimes.

True. Very true.

Oh, Martin.

She's a fucking nightmare.

Yeah. Well, you know, I'd love to

discuss this with you further, but... Kids.

Now, pay in the ass.

Why didn't I just say, "Simon, I got a bladder infection. Go home.".

Hey, Jeremy's no picnic.

Yeah?

You ever been arrested for kicking a cop in the nuts?

Yeah. Well, look, the teen years can be challenging, but... Martin.

You got any vodka?

Vodka? Wait. It's 1.30 in the afternoon.

It's 3.15.

Fuck!

So? Is it happy hour yet?

No. It's still a little early for me, okay?

And I've got a lot of work to do, so...

Oh, Martin, come on.

I had a rough morning.

Gives you a great sense of power,

feeling one of those babies bouncing under your hand.

Give me a break, huh?

Please?

You want a glass with this?

Ice?

Sure.

You gonna make me drink alone? Like some New Jersey housewife?

Thanks.

So, Martin, what do you do?

Doctor? Lawyer?

Lawyer? Librarian?

I'm a book editor.

Yeah? Like math books?

No. Mostly romance novels.

Really? Like the trashy kind you buy in the drugstore?

Well, yes.

Hmm. Those things are pretty hot. You do those?

Yeah. Yep. That's me.

Which ones? Anything I've read?

Well, do you know Ring One's for Love? Love Baby?

Love for Rent.

Love for Rent? You did Love for Rent?

You read that?

Oh, yeah. The part on the train?

That was so hot I had to change my jeans.

Really?

But did you find the scene credible?

Who the fuck cares? It was hot.

Come on. That didn't get to you?

Where he's given a tour in the bathroom?

Two strangers? Nothing in common except...

They just gotta have each other right there?

Yeah. Well, I guess it was kind of steamy.

That was your idea?

Well, no. No. I didn't write it.

But as the editor, I did have a lot of input.

You ever been fucked on your kitchen floor?

No.

No.

You know what else got to me? The thing with the ice.

The thing with the ice?

Yeah. With the Colonel guy. You know.

She's got him tied to the bed and she's rubbing ice all over his body.

Yeah. Yeah. That worked.

And he's sort of begging her to stop and she just keeps doing it and...

doing it and... doing it.

[Sighs]

So?

What next?

I... What... what next?

You know what next.

Oh no. No, no, no, no. No.

You're my son's girlfriend's mother.

Oh, that would be bad.

I don't even know you.

Oh, that would be real bad.

Can you tell my nipples are hard?

Actually, no. No, I wasn't aware.

Am I making you uncomfortable?

No, no. No. Not at all.

Are you hard, Martin?

Hard as nails.

You know, I don't think that's any of your business.

I think you are.

Why don't you take it out?

I'm not gonna take it out.

Take it out?

Absolutely not.

Martin, nothing is gonna happen here unless you take it out.

He'll do it.

Let's see, Yella.

Very good.

Thank you.

You know, you get these ice buckets as a wedding gift, and you think you're

never gonna use them.

Hi.

Uh-oh.

I'm home.

Hello.

Mrs. Gants?

Hi, Jerry.

Jeremy.

Yeah, well, I gotta get going.

I'll catch you later, Martin. Thanks for the input.

Well... Hmm.

Oh, no, you're gonna get it.

Dad?

Hmm.

I don't think Mrs. Gants is the kind of girl you should be going out with.

I think she may be a bad influence on you.

What are you talking about?

Well, just look like... You know, it seemed like you and Mrs. Gants...

What? Like we what?

Nothing. Sorry.

Uh-huh.

Dad?

Hmm?

It's a new kitchen magnet.

Hmm.

So, did you have that talk with him?

Judith, I've been thinking...

Jeremy's getting older now, you know, and whether we're right or he's right,

I think he's getting to an age where he

should be allowed to make his own mistakes.

And who knows, maybe underneath all that leather,

Claire's actually a really, really nice girl.

I see.

And did you come to these conclusions

before or after you slept with her mother?

Huh. I, uh... I see you've spoken to Jeremy.

Aren't we the smart ones?

Um... Uh... That's good. That's good.

You know, because I've had an interesting glimpse into her home life.

And, uh, I think... I think that I could

be a positive role model... for her.

Ah, it's too bad we don't have two shovels.

And, uh... I didn't realize Jeremy talked to you.

Jeremy! So, uh, we'll talk later.

Yes, we will, and you do give my best to Jeremy's girlfriend's mother, huh?

Bye-bye now.

Thanks a lot, pal.

Well, I'm glad we could all get together like this.

I didn't ask to be here.

Shut up. He's making a speech.

Oh, my. I'm not really making a speech.

And, uh... So, uh... Well, I'm just saying, I think it's nice to--

Hello, honey. You wanna dance?

Uh, I think it's nice we could all just get to know each other a little.

You'll never give up, do you?

Claire.

Please.

I'm still eating.

I'm not. Claire.

Ow!

Come on, Mom.

You don't need to hit her.

Don't tell my mom what to do.

Stay out of this. He's trying to be a positive influence.

Jeremy, come here.

Claire, will you take your tongue out of his ear?

(clears throat)

So, uh... So, uh, how's school?

I wouldn't know.

I sure swear.

You're ditching again.

I've been skipping school for two years, and you don't give a shit.

Okay. But now you're out with Marty, and suddenly you're June Cleaver?

Yeah? Well, June Cleaver never had to put up with a kid like you, Miss $340

gambling debt.

Please. Please.

Let's be nice.

Shut up.

Now, you shut up.

And clinch the butt, Martin.

I've heard just about enough from you, young lady.

Hey, Dad. You don't can tell her what to do just because you're having sex

with your mom.

You are on thin ice, mister.

Why? You are having sex with her.

Alright, that's it. I don't wanna hear another word out of your mouth for

the rest of the night.

I mean it.

Fine.

Hey, give the kid a break.

Oh. Look who's giving parenting tips.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

It means a year-one to talk with a daughter who's wanted in three states.

Fuck you, bookworm.

Oh, it's nice. Nice. Nice talk in front of the children.

Claire, would you... What are you doing?

Having a cigarette.

That's it. That does it.

You're not seeing her, and I'm not seeing you.

The Tupper family is done with the Gansfirm.

Fine with us. We're out of here, Claire.

Let's double again real soon.

Good.

We won't be having dessert, thank you.

All good things must come to an end.

(

"The Tupper Family" plays )

You've always said that there's some things better left unsaid.

( "The Tupper Family" plays )

- Obstacle? - What flavor?

Uh... - Purple. - Okay.

There you go.

Jeremy.

I'm sorry about everything with Claire, you know, but I mean,

you two are just so different, you know?

It never would have worked out.

I know that.

You do?

Sure, Dad.

I was gonna break up with her anyway.

I just wish you'd have let me do it myself.

Oh.

Well, I was just-- Thinking what a smart guy I am.

- Not. - You're right.

You're right. You're right. You know, I'm sorry.

Look, uh, you wanna do something? You wanna go to a movie or--

Ah, thanks. I've got a lot of homework. I'm gonna go to the library.

Well, okay.

Maybe I'll meet some geeky girl like mine.

Yeah. If you're lucky.

It's time you took that leash off of him.

He's a big boy now, and he can look after himself.

- How'd it go? - Totally barred it.

Cool.

- You want a smoke? - No.

I got you a present.

Like school.

- All right. - Thanks.

Just don't wear it to maces.

Whoo!

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