Original subtitles

Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Mike Flaherty.

Is councilwoman Schwartz

still attending the benefit with the mayor?

Great. May I speak to her, please?

Good morning.

Good morning!

Beautiful day, huh?

Oh, yeah... crisp!

Mike wanted to go over what you'll be wearing tomorrow.

Suit.

Mike was hoping something more festive.

Like what?

A cocktail dress.

A cocktail dress?

If you're not comfortable wearing that,

the mayor can always find someone else.

He'd fire me?

Exactly.

All right, I'll wear one.

Listen, you need any help finding a dress?

No, I have one.

Hey, good morning, Paul.

All right...

I'll come to work tomorrow morning,

I'll wear a cocktail dress,

and prance around like some hairy debutante!

You win! Congratulations!

You're the winner!

What sick, demented contest did I enter?

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Nik, I just want you to know...

I know.

I'm sorry?

The gray coat you've been wearing all week...

the same gray coat you wore on our first date...

turn down the volume. I hear you.

It's a raincoat, Mike.

I wear it when it rains.

And it's raining on the inside, isn't it?

What is the forecast, Nik,

partly lonely with a chance of regret?

All I'm saying is that this is a difficult time for us,

and there's bound to be some weirdness.

And apparently you're going to provide it.

Morning. Morning.

Good morning, Mike.

What are you doin' here?

I asked you if I could sit in on the meeting.

Yeah, and I said no.

And I came anyway.

Really don't want you here.

Really don't care.

As long as we're clear.

Uh, kids are back in school,

and voters are thinking about education,

so we have named a junior high school after the mayor.

That's easy answers, not substantive change.

Slick politics as usual.

But with a kick-ass mascot!

Kids, we're giving you something better than literacy...

it's a beaver!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's a raccoon.

I'd know those eyes anywhere.

I was mauled by one at a rest stop in Pennsylvania.

Woodchuck. I was also attacked...

...in my family's rec room.

Guys, we, uh... we have a visitor.

How did a woodchuck get in the family's rec room?

Snuck in through the pig door.

Hello! Government meeting here!

We have a lot to accomplish today.

Let's stay focused and not get distracted.

I'm telling you, that is a beaver!

How would you know what a beaver looks like?

Yeah, I'd like to talk to m...

yeah?

I'd like to talk to Mike.

I would like to party backstage with pm dawn...

doesn't mean it's gonna happen.

James, ever since you got that headset,

you've become too big for your britches.

I gotta talk to Mike

about who's gonna wear the badger suit

at the school press conference.

Paul, as deputy-deputy mayor of New York City,

I'll be deciding that.

You can't decide that, James.

You're just a secretary.

You're a lowlife, pencil-pushin',

bottom-of-the-barrel secretary.

You just bought yourself two hours in a badger suit!

If the mayor is gonna win,

we're gonna raise your staff's professionalism to a new level.

This is not some stuffy corporate environment.

What I've created here is a free-form think tank...

a mental playground, if you will.

Now, some of our most profound and innovative ideas

are born out of chaos.

Look at me! I'm a secretary!

I'm a secre... hello? Is this thing on?!

Can you tell I'm a secretary? Hello?

They're onto something ÷ big.

Stuart, I'll just be a few more minutes.

What's the headband for...

to keep the bald out of your eyes?

You know, Stuart, it's the wit like that

that makes you such catnip for the hookers.

So this is the gay gym, huh?

It's not actually called "the gay gym."

But it's a gym with nothing but gay men.

I hear you can land a 747 in the steam room.

We don't work out here.

We just run around the locker room,

snapping towels at each other, and having naked chicken fights,

you tool.

I got better things to do

than hang around here and look at men.

Holy cow, will you look at the cans on that guy!

Beautiful women come here

so they can work out without being hit on.

[CHURCH ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]

There is a heaven...

And it's a gay gym.

Hey, Nik.

I recognize that sweater.

Second date... boathouse...

Met your mom.

That was the sweater that said,

"we want you in the family, Mike."

You know what?

Why don't you come over to my apartment tonight

and tell me which of my clothes say,

"stay the hell away from me"?

Nikki, I had an idea...

I just thought it might help us.

Tell me what you think about this...

couples counseling.

No.

Fine. I respect that.

Let's just, uh...

let's just go to the budget meeting.

Nikki, this is tom.

Tom, this is Nikki. Let's dive right in.

Nikki's under the misconception that I am deceitful

and manipulative and that you're an accountant.

He's a therapist!

You lied to me to get me in here!

And how does that make you feel?

This is great!

Your gay gym rejected my application!

Stuart, under "personal goals,"

you put "two chicks in a hot tub."

Still, it's discrimination.

This goes against everything you stand for.

Discrimination in any form is a violation of...

that... ohh!

That thing... that list.

You know, the gay manifesto!

The "bill of rights"?!

That's the one!

Just forget that I'm payin' the bill.

And no way do I expect you to take my side.

I'm here as a couples counselor.

There'll be no "sides."

Right.

Gotcha.

Nikki and I are here

because we want to give this thing another go.

No, we don't.

There you go, doc.

Get in there... work your magic.

Half the time we were together,

I felt like he wasn't even there.

And you blamed yourself.

Yes. Yes, yes!

I felt like it was all my fault.

Yeah, me too. Me too.

I felt that way, too.

That's good, Mike. Think about that.

Do you want to tell me about your childhood?

You never asked me that.

I thought we were thinking.

When I was 6...

I lost my binky.

[VOICE BREAKING] Turns out my mom just threw it away.

So really what you're doing is transferring

Mike's negative feelings about himself onto you.

You might want to get a check ready.

I'm finishing up here.

Thank you, tom. This has been great.

Goodbye, doctor.

Goodbye, patient.

I think we had some real breakthroughs here.

Yeah, well, I know I had one...

you suck.

Welcome, students.

As your parents know,

I've always considered myself "the education mayor,"

so I am particularly proud

of Randall m. Winston junior high

and our great mascot...

...the rat.

Badger. They're badgers, sir.

Remember, parents, "badger" your kids to study.

Study! Study! Study!

Mike, whoever wore this thing before me threw up in it!

Well, you roll the dice when you rent.

Mr. mayor, a lot of kids think the standardized tests

for city eighth-graders are too hard.

What do you think?

I think that's a very good question,

but the answer is "no."

Those tests are very important.

You kids just need to study, study, study,

like busy little... Badgers.

How about a sample question?

Sure! Hit me!

"A tape player runs at 7 inches per second.

"How many hours of play will I get

with an 800-foot-long tape?"

Pass.

Are you saying you can't answer the question?

The mayor can answer that question.

The mayor can answer any question on that test.

So the mayor will take the test?

The mayor is far too busy to take that test.

So you're saying "the education mayor"

has no time for kids?

You sure you go to public school?

Morning, Mike.

Caitlin.

Great day, huh?

I don't want to hear it.

Have you seen today's papers?

"Mayor stumped by eighth-grader"...

"Mayor held back"...

And my personal favorite... "mayor... stupid."

Nobody reads usa today.

Sorry I'm late, but now that you have to take the test,

I thought we should review some of the subjects.

Oh, it'll be fun.

It'll be like I'm back in prep school.

But I'm afraid you're gonna have to study

a little harder than you did at Winston academy.

Pauly, since we have janelle in here,

we probably don't need two secretaries.

I'm the press secretary, James.

Well, put whatever word you want in front of it.

That's it. I'm takin' the headset.

You're one word away from that badger suit!

But...

that's the word! Suit up!

Janelle, note in the minutes Paul was asked to leave.

Yeah, I'll put it in here right before

"janelle puts foot in deputy deputy mayor's ass."

All right, "my brother is twice as old as I am.

"10 years from now he will be 13 years older.

How old am I?"

My brother is 53, and he's still a bachelor.

He took his friend Hector to mother's funeral.

Your brother's gay, sir.

"A man sells a mixture of nuts

"consisting of 1/3 pecans and 2/3 cashews.

If a pound of the nut mixture..."

you know, I'm overdue for my testicular exam.

I'm just here to tutor, sir.

If anyone deserves to be discriminated against,

it's this man.

But our forefathers gave their lives

so that repugnant creeps like him

can walk into any gym in this land

and take a spin class.

Am I happy about that?

Would I want to be the one on the bike next to him?

No!

But do you know who would?

Thomas Jefferson!

I don't think fruit basket's buyin' it.

Tom?

I wasn't expecting you.

Yeah, uh, we should probably talk.

Oh, hey, listen... no need to apologize, okay?

We all do things we regret.

You lost your objectivity in our session,

and I stopped payment on your check.

Don't beat yourself up.

Actually, I'm more worried about you beating me up.

Now, tom, why would I...

ready for lunch?

Oh, gotcha!

I'm sorry, Mike, it's just...

we had a real connection.

Yeah... me, tom! I was the connection!

You know, this is so unprofessional!

You could lose your license for this!

Well, I've been looking for an excuse

to focus on my music anyway.

You're a musician?

Sir, how's the studying going?

I'm stumped.

Why is Cher "in" and Madonna "out"?

Because Cher's a survivor, sir.

Give me the magazine.

What are those?

Very special sneakers, sir.

Put them on.

History and geography on your right,

science and vocabulary on your left.

They're "cross-cheaters."

I feel smarter already.

Oh, Mike, next time you're in Montana,

make sure you stop by the capital...

Helena.

Sir, Caitlin's here.

Oh, good. Send her in.

And thank you for being so...

Assiduous.

Mr. mayor, I was just talking

to the prime minister of Mozambique about you.

Mozambique?

Isn't their chief export...

Salt?

Sir, the only thing worse

than failing an eighth-grade test

is getting caught cheating on an eighth-grade test.

You're not wearing those shoes.

I'm sorry. I don't see how you can stop him.

Well, Caitlin, that was kind of...

In-cur-cos...

Blah!

I must admit, the last time I took a standardized test,

I didn't feel anywhere near this much pressure.

I just want to say that I am fully confident

that I'm gonna pass this test with ease.

I feel like I have a group of great minds

taking this test with me.

And now I shall begin.

And now I shall begin.

"Who was the supreme allied commander on d-day?"

Dwight d. Eisenhower. Omar Bradley.

I'll tell you who it wasn't ... a black man...

Even though "Omar" sounds like a brother.

Well, I know it wasn't a black man...

...even though "Omar" does sound like my brother.

Sir, it was Dwight d. Eisenhower.

Caitlin's coming!

What's going on in there?

Nothing... nothing at all.

We need a bunsen burner, a Spanish dictionary,

and a styrofoam model of the solar system.

Okay, I lied...

I'm making fondue for a Mexican astronomer.

You guys are cheating.

Okay, what's the first element on the periodic table?

It's either hydrogen or helium. Somebody...

boron! Nitrogen!

Nutrasweet!

Caitlin?

Help.

Yeah, right.

Come on.

No way.

Oh, I get it.

Little miss Ivy league doesn't know.

Oh, I know.

She doesn't know.

ALL: [CHANTING] She doesn't know.

It's hydrogen.

It's hydrogen!

If we're gonna cheat, let's at least do it right.

Gimme me that headset.

[SIGHS] It's hydrogen, sir,

although I don't approve of cheating.

Give that back.

I'm in charge now. Guess again.

No, you guess.

Gimme them! Give me!

You give it... give me...

ha!

I got the biggest half.

Hello?

Hello?

Where are the voices?

I don't hear the voices.

Not only is he gonna fail, but look at me...

I helped the mayor cheat.

I fought over a headset.

I'm like a classier, more intelligent...

You.

Oh, yeah, real classy.

I think I still have one of your press-on nails

in my back.

95th percentile! Who's the man?!

Ooh!

You are, sir, and, uh,

no offense, but, uh, how?

That section on yachting put me right over the top.

And my passing this eighth-grade test

has given me the confidence to be a United States senator.

You know what they say about congress...

it's just like high school... But with missiles.

Hey, tom, having a good day?

I know what you're trying to do here.

My power has been turned off,

my driver's license has been suspended,

and they've rerouted the West Side highway

through my living room.

Don't know what you're talking about.

I had nothing to do with any of that...

Or with your car being towed.

My, uh, car hasn't been towed.

Whatever you say, tom.

You know, the problem isn't tom, Mike.

The problem is you and me.

I just can't accept that there's nothing I can do.

I don't blame you

for not wanting to give me another chance,

but I believe if you do, this time I'll get it right.

I'll put you before work.

I'll be honest.

I'll make sure you feel as special as I know you are.

You just have to let me.

[SIGHS]

Why couldn't you have said that a long time ago?

I know that I should have.

I, uh...

I'm saying it now.

It's too late now.

Sorry.

Remember, you're the first straight guy here.

You have to be better than the rest!

You're like a white, classless Jackie Robinson.

I won't let you down.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Nice bracelet.

It's hindu. They believe if you lead a good life

you get rewarded by returning as a more evolved being.

Really? Your sports bra must've cured polio in its last life.

That's it, you're out of here.

It was worth it!

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)