Original subtitles

The press is killing me!

They say I'm allowing films to be shot in New York

that are immoral, sexual, and gratuitously violent.

Am I?

Last year we did see the empire

state building blown up,

and wall street was taken out by a tidal wave.

And that movie about the deranged cabby

who drove through bloomingdale's.

They were plugging that last night on channel 7.

That was the news.

Anyway, sir, I put together a tape

of some of the more objectionable r-rated material

that's been shot in New York.

Here we go.

[WOMAN MOANING]

[MONOTONE] This is an outrage.

I almost can't bear to watch this dirty, dirty movie.

I-I could stop...

no, no.

I want to let the outrage grow.

Unless you want to stop, Mike.

Oh, no, sir.

I can't let you suffer alone.

You know, I might suffer more

if you just lean back a little.

Sorry.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Why did you have this high-tech security system installed?

I'm running for senate now. I'm a target.

Why, just this morning I received a death threat!

Well, in all fairness, sir,

your ex-wife sends you one of those every Tuesday.

Caitlin thought the security measures were necessary.

Good morning.

Nice work. What are you gonna do after lunch,

dig a moat around Paul's office?

Sounds great,

but we'll need a troll to man the drawbridge.

Are you available?

Ah, you two ribbing each other...

reminds me of my parents...

...minus the gin...

And the home-wrecking au pair.

I had the system installed

because we're in a national campaign now,

and we had highly sensitive material in this office.

Like what?

Yeah. Like what?

Well, sir, there's that... Thing we talked about.

Oh, right, right.

Right.

What thing?

The senate business

you suggested we refer to as "the thing"?

Oh, the secret background checks on my staff.

You ordered background checks and you didn't tell me?

You probably shouldn't have mentioned "the thing"

in front of Mike.

I demand to see my file.

No one sees their file, not even the mayor.

Sir, this is a violation of privacy.

You can't possibly be okay with this.

Mike, when it comes to my past,

I'm on a need-to-know basis.

Stuart, I want you and Carter to meet me in my office at 2:15.

2:15? What's 2:15?

Uh, uh, 2:15...

Is, uh, my favorite verse in the book of John.

"Be good, John."

"Johnny b. Goode."

"Go, Johnny, go."

Amen. Amen.

I'm gonna run through all the film permits

that are being considered,

flag anything that seems objectionable.

Are you aware that when I was in college

I made a student film?

The Yale daily news called it "an incoherent mess."

Even back then, nobody got me.

The first one is about a puppy lost in the city.

It's too mainstream.

An upper-east-side remake of a French farce?

Bor-ing.

Sir, we're supposed to be screening

for violence and sexual content.

James, this city needs a hit!

We're still reeling from "Godzilla."

"Sexy singles looking for love"? Seen it.

"Pregnant daughter, sick mother"?

Chick flick.

"A killer computer virus downloads into humans

and liquefies their organs."

Hold it.

Did you say "killer computer virus"?

Yeah.

Son, let's make a picture!

You want us to break into the mayor's office tonight

and copy Caitlin's background checks?

I know it sounds devious,

but until we know what she's got on us,

we're gonna be at the mercy of that fascist in high heels.

Whoa.

Vegas flashback.

Carter, I need your help.

Huh. I see...

"need a break-in, get a black man to help."

"Black people know all about committing crimes!"

I didn't say that.

Don't be so sensitive.

"Ooh, gay man's too sensitive!"

If it's all so offensive to you,

fine, don't help.

No, no, sounds cool. I'm in.

Stuart, this is really...

Mike, you had me at "devious."

Thanks, guys.

She obviously wouldn't be going to such lengths

if she didn't have something on me.

You?

My File is gonna be thick.

"The man" is watching me.

"The man" wants to bring me down.

Carter, the only thing "the man" wants to do

is buy you a daiquiri.

Our main problem is Caitlin. She always stays late.

Hey, I'm here for the 2:15 meeting.

You know what? This is the 2:30.

The 2:15 has been moved to when you have

that, uh, thing you can't get out of.

My 6:00 dentist appointment?

There you go.

Too bad. We could have used you.

Hey, Nikki.

Uh, listen...

Uh, now that you and I are in a "holding pattern"...

you mean "broken up for all eternity"?

You say "tomato," I say "holding pattern."

What do you want, Mike?

I-I was just wondering, you know,

with me... Gone, um...

Do you still have your big Tuesday girls' night out?

No, um, actually,

tonight I have a date with a surgeon

who is taking me to the rainbow room.

Got your three messages, Nikki.

We are on for girls' night out.

Why don't you invite... Caitlin to come?

Or, um, I could smear honey all over my body

and lie down on an anthill.

I was with you till the anthill.

Caitlin is not coming to girls' night.

Oh, so I-I guess that answers the question,

"is Caitlin coming to girls' night?"

Girls' night?

I-I'm sorry.

My voice carries.

Now she's gonna think

you want her to come!

Great! I'll cancel my date.

You don't have to.

That's okay. I am so sick of the rainbow room.

I can't believe we're breaking into our offices!

Relax. It probably doesn't even break the penal code.

What code?

You never listen. I said penal... penal!

Heh heh heh heh heh.

I get it... it sounds like "penis."

Is that what you want to hear?

Penis! Penis!

The next person who shouts "penis"

is losing theirs.

[BEEPING]

So, "operation Mike, Carter, and Stuart

"break into the mayor's office

to copy Caitlin's background checks" begins.

I give you all day, you come up with that?

So, Mike...

How exactly are you supposed to get from here...

Into there?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

How cool is this?!

You, uh, copying the background checks?

No, I found Caitlin's yearbook.

Man, I miss high school chicks.

To be 30 again.

Listen, we got a lot of copying to do.

We don't have time to get distracted

by a bunch of teenage... holy crap!

What, did she go to "hot high"?

Only one page?

Where's all my badass activities?

[FOOTSTEPS]

Someone's coming!

Quick... everybody freeze!

I probably should have said "hide."

I knew something fishy was going on

when no one showed up for the 6:00 meeting!

Why do you guys always freeze me

out of your poker games and your Bible groups?!

Why don't you include me in anything?

We're breaking in to copy Caitlin's files.

We were afraid you might freak out.

Oh, my God!!

You're breaking in?!

Oh, my God, that freaks me out!!

Paul, security is right downstairs!

Security is right downstairs!!

Paul...

Would it help if I slapped you?

No. [BREATHES HEAVILY]

Ow!

So...

I'm doing a summer program at Harvard,

and this geek, bill, comes to my room,

and he says he's starting a company.

I just made $500 modeling,

and I gave it to him.

Two years later, boom...

I'm a founding shareholder in Microsoft.

So, yes,

to answer your question, I have been to Seattle.

So, who needs another drink?

Okay, Paul,

if we take off the gag, will you scream?

Can I help you with anything, Mike?

Yeah, Stuart. Why don't you beat me with a stick

and see if candy flies out my butt?

All right, mission accomplished. Lift me up!

Wheeeeee!

Paul!

I got it under control. I don't need this thing anymore.

Ohhhhh!

[ALARM BLARES]

Oh, my God, sir! What happened?

There was a break-in, Mike. But how could you tell?

It's your face, sir.

There was an innocence there that's... that's...

Lost.

D-d-d-don't touch anything.

The police will be here in an hour to dust for prints.

An hour?

Well, sir, the, uh, place could be contaminated by then.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna call them...

And I'm gonna give them...

A piece of my mind.

W-w-what did they take anyway?

Nothing, but my files were rearranged,

and the evidence indicates an inside j ob.

Or...

Is that what they want you to think?

To review,

let's eliminate insiders as suspects

and narrow our search...

...to everybody else.

÷ Mike...

All due respect, but you're ranting

like an idiot in search of a village.

But I do think we should keep this quiet.

I'll lead the investigation.

You? No, no, you... no, no, you...

you're in the middle of a whole refiling nightmare.

No, no, sir, I'll carry the ball on this one.

You find this backstabbing layabout!

I want him behind bars,

where bad things will happen to him!

Wow, sir, when that innocence goes,

it, uh, really goes.

Stuart, I hope you don't mind,

but I'll be joining Mike in his investigation.

Sweet.

Be thorough.

I'm crafty.

Stuart, sit down.

All right, where were you last night at 9:00?

Cooking dinner with Carter.

We made flautas.

What exactly is a flauta?

It's a delicious Mexican entree

consisting of chicken baked in a light flour shell.

And I suppose Carter will corroborate your story?

It's a delicious Mexican entree

consisting of chicken baked in a light flour shell.

All right, then what?

We did the dishes. It was 9:44.

I remember the time

because Carter looked at the clock and said,

"hey, it's 9:44."

"That number always gives me the creeps."

Why does 944 always give me the creeps?

Well, it reminds me

of my tragic experience aboard flight 944.

What happened up there, Carter?

They lost my luggage.

I spent a whole week in Glasgow

with one pair of underwear.

Why didn't he just buy another pair of underwear?

Well, it turns out...

You cannot get Calvin klein in all of Scotland!

Thank you, Carter.

Sorry to make you relive that nightmare.

Well, throw some astronauts into that alibi

and launch that baby into space,

'cause it is airtight!

Well, Michael, if you ask me,

it was a little too airtight,

a little rehearsed.

Maybe what's rehearsed is your guilt.

Right, Michael, I snuck away from Nikki and janelle

and broke in to my own file cabinet

and took documents that I can look at any time.

Must feel good to get that off your chest.

Look, you're the director,

and we all respect your vision for "serialkiller.Com."

All we're asking is that you cut 6 eye-gougings,

8 dismemberments, and 42 decapitations.

Oh, and lose the Kenny loggins theme song.

Guys, the posters are already printed...

"death downloads this Christmas."

Death!

I speak for the mayor when I say

he won't let this city serve as a backdrop

for your gratuitous filth.

How would you like a part in my film?

I'm in.

That's the last night we ever spend with Caitlin.

Yeah.

She even takes the fun out of drinking.

Oh, there you are!

I am so sorry about last night.

I'm not very good at bonding with women.

Maybe I spend so much time with men,

I'm starting to act like one.

Anyway, I got you flowers.

Oh, that's okay, Caitlin. We just didn't hit it off.

Everyone doesn't have to hang out with everyone.

I'm doing it again... I'm trying to smooth things over

with flowers and a weekend on my friend's yacht. Ohh!

Hold up. Yacht?

I know... I am just making it worse!

It's so pathetic... like that would make you like me.

Forget I said anything.

Wow! Can you believe her?

Thinking she can buy us with gifts.

I'm gonna go put these in water.

Why bother?

They're just gonna die when we're on that yacht.

Oh, Caitlin!

Caitlin knows?!

You said "corn tortilla," didn't you?

You're the one with an incentive to get caught!

Prison is like summer camp for you people!

Please. Come on, guys. Let's keep it together, okay?

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link...

Which brings us to Paul.

I'm gonna crack, Mike.

I'm gonna sing like a canary.

I'm telling you... I can feel it!

Relax! I'm gonna be asking you all the questions.

What if you trip me up?

I'm not gonna trip you up ...I'm in it with you!

Aw, you're talking in circles!

I can't take the mind games!

I did it! Me! You! Stuart! Carter!

I did it! I did it!

Paul, are you ready?

Yeah. Yeah.

Are you okay, Paul? You look a little flushed.

Come on... give the guy a break.

He is cool as a cucumber.

All right, Paul, let's get straight to it...

where were you at 9:00 when you're usually home

with your wife watching the news and then going to bed?

I was watching the news... With my wife,

and then I-I went straight to bed.

So nothing out of the ordinary happened?

Well, actually... Claudia and I made love.

And how long does that take?

I don't know.

How long is "the Hollywood minute"?

All right, well, I'm satisfied...

Claudia probably less so.

Thanks for coming by.

[CHUCKLING] It was my pleasure.

I almost enjoyed it.

Paul, one last thing...

Was Mike heavy to lift?

Oh, I don't know.

Carter and Stuart did all the lifting.

Thanks.

You betcha.

Brilliant investigation.

So tell me...

when did you first suspect it might be you?

All right. You win.

You got what you wanted.

What are you talking about?

Oh, please! We know you ordered those background checks

so you could get something on me because I threaten you.

Mike, believe it or not,

the whole universe does not revolve around ÷ you.

Are you calling my mom a liar?

The truth is, I am not the least bit threatened by you.

Well, then you're nuts,

because I am brilliant.

You know, I-I am ruthless.

I'm like some kind of evil genius.

I should have an underground lair.

Michael, I am not gonna turn you in.

What...

y-you're not?

The mayor doesn't need his staff in turmoil.

Besides, you crack me up!

I mean, look at you...

getting all worked up over how threatening you are.

Ooh, who's my evil genius?!

Someone will be receiving many pizzas she did not order.

You're afraid, but that's where your courage comes from.

Got it.

This wa-a-a-a-y...

[IMITATING JIMMY STEWART] Well, this... d-d-d-d...

well, this way?

[FRENCH ACCENT] Psst! This way!

Ha ha ha!

This...

Line.

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)