Original subtitles

What if I were to tell you

I'm gonna leave tom and be with you?

Is that what you want? What do you want, Charlie?

No more games, no more fooling around.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

TOM: Caitlin, it's me.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Aren't you gonna invite me in?

Let's go out for a drink.

Sounds good.

Why didn't I say something?

I'm such an idiot.

I wish I had another chance.

Idiot!

I can't believe Stuart took three more weeks' vacation.

How long are we expected to keep doing his job?

I have a hard time avoiding my own work.

Now I got to avoid Stuart's?

I'm only one man.

Oh, Victoria's secret catalog, swimsuit issue.

Patrick Swayze calendar?

That's mine.

Oh, Carter, is that the parks' budget?

Why am I looking at Patrick Swayze on a motorcycle?

Sorry, sir. We're a little overwhelmed, what with Stuart away.

I can get you some help until he returns.

Well, how about my cousin Larry?

Isn't he in prison?

No, he got out.

He just can't be anywhere near matches.

Hey, Caitlin, you missed the morning meeting.

Is everything okay?

I broke up with tom last night.

I thought everything was going so well.

Tom's a wonderful person, but the passion just wasn't there,

and it would have been unfair to lead him on.

Well, if that's how you feel, I think you did the right thing.

Do me a favor... don't tell anyone, especially not Charlie.

My lips are sealed.

Hi, guys. What's new?

Nothing in Caitlin's life. I can tell you that.

I got to go.

Look, when you asked if I wanted to be with you, I froze.

The answer is yes. Of course I do.

Let's just forget it.

Oh, so you're just gonna stay with tom?

Yeah, he's great.

We went out last night and had the best time.

We wined, we dined, we danced,

and [LAUGHS] wow, we laughed.

Ahh!

Caitlin Moore? Yes.

This is from tom Callahan.

Oh, must be a gift.

A blow-dryer... Cds... A toothbrush?

That's no gift. It's a breakup box.

No, it's not.

I know breakup boxes.

I've been getting them since I was 17.

Fine. I broke up with tom, but it had nothing to do with you.

How can you say that? Last night, you were asking me if we should be together.

If you had answered me,

it would have had something to do with you,

but you said nothing.

[SIGHS]

Well, I'm saying it now.

Give me another chance. Let me take you out tonight.

I don't think so.

Caitlin, this magazine's having a best-couple-of-the-year contest.

Forget it. He knows.

I knew you'd crack.

Deputy mayor Crawford?

I just wanted to thank you

for giving me the opportunity to work here, sir.

Oh, hey, no need to thank me. You've earned it.

It's pretty clear that you're the man for the job.

Who is this guy?

It's Pete. The mayor hired him to fill in for Stuart.

He was a staffer at the u.N., now he's here,

helping us with the complex task of urban management.

Oh, Mr. Heywood, I got that coffee stain

out of your suede jacket.

Oh, I need that jacket

for an important meeting.

I thought it was for your date.

That'll be all.

Caitlin, may I see you in my office?

No.

You're trying to get me alone to ask me out.

I'd appreciate it if you put our personal lives aside

and focus on the work.

I'm sorry.

Oh, look, it's 5-star chef Jean Pierre...

...from the restaurant of the same name.

Why is he in your office?

Maybe he stopped by to tell us about tonight's specials.

Charlie, this is crazy.

You're right.

You can't get a table for months.

This is correct, but for you, Charles,

tonight I give you my most romantic table for two.

I don't know, Jean. Will I need it?

If I go to dinner, will you stop doing things like this?

Yes. Okay. One date.

Great.

That is fantastic.

And trust me,

between his talent and my charm,

you're in store for the most magical night of your life.

We'll see.

Your food better not suck.

I took a crack at that release for you.

Oh, thanks, Pete.

You know, writing a press release

takes years of experience and skill,

so before I give this to the mayor,

I'm gonna have to give it the once-over

before I put my personal stamp on it.

Here you are, Mr. mayor.

Here's your press release.

This office has run like clockwork

since we brought Pete on.

Son, you're doing a great job.

Almost as if we don't need Stuart anymore.

Did you hear that?

The mayor thinks we don't need Stuart anymore.

He'll replace him with Pete.

We have to get rid of him. But how?

We have to devise a plan, even if it means skipping dinner,

rolling up our sleeves, and staying here all night.

But how?

This salad is really good.

The lettuce is crispy.

[THINKING] This is so uncomfortable.

[THINKING] She's right. This lettu is crispy.

Come on, you've had dinner with Caitlin a thousand times.

Get some conversation going.

Did you say something?

No.

Oh, I thought you did.

I was chewing.

Funny how that can sound like words.

Nice recovery.

He's unraveling.

You must like that bread. You're really packing it away.

No, no. I didn't mean...

God, I'm unraveling.

All right, calm down.

At least the food is gonna be amazing.

Pardon the interruption, but the kitchen is, um... On fire.

Please exit now. Oh, great.

Say something funny to calm the situation.

Well, this is turning out to be one "hot" date.

Heh.

I said, "say something funny."

Well, I had a great time.

Yeah, me too.

Uh, I have to be in early tomorrow,

so I... Guess this is good night.

Okay. Good night.

Good night.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

What the hell happened tonight?

I don't know.

This was the worst night ever.

Normally, after a date this bad,

I'd be calling you to talk about it.

And normally, I'd be on the other end of the phone

watching "sportscenter," saying, "uh-huh. Uh-huh."

I really blew it, didn't I?

Charlie, it wasn't just you. It was us being on a date.

I really wanted tonight

to be the beginning of something for us.

Maybe we're not meant to be a couple.

Well, after tonight, it's hard to argue with that.

So...

Friends?

Definitely.

We're better friends than that.

Of course we are.

Oh, come here, buddy.

It feels so right to be friends.

It does. Take off the jacket, pal.

Let's get you out of this dress, amigo.

Hey, I've got a really friendly idea.

That was unbelievable.

That's what friends are for.

Hey, buddy.

What's going on? You seem different.

What are you talking about?

For one thing, you're actually smiling.

I smile all the time.

No, you don't. You do this.

What you got going there is peppy and exciting.

Oh, my God.

You had sex with Caitlin last night.

No, I didn't.

I'd know that smile anywhere.

It's the universal "I just got some" smile.

Head tilted back, teeth showing.

Are you making this up?

Hey, Carter.

Hey, Jordan. [CHUCKLES]

You and Caitlin... this is amazing.

It's like I'm a completely different person.

She brings out this romantic side of me.

Last night, I left her in bed to go get a glass of water,

and get this... I came back.

And I thought that only happened in the movies.

This could be the beginning of something great.

Carter, you are not gonna believe this.

Last night...

Charlie and I slept together.

This is shocking!

This is the most amazing thing I have ever heard!

He told you. Yeah.

So, how did it happen? I don't know.

We were talking, and the next thing is,

my duvet is hitting the floor.

[CHUCKLES] I need details.

Goosedown, 600 thread count.

Nice.

[SIGHS]

Wait, wait.

You've got that look. What look?

The "I had sex that I regret" look...

head down, reluctant eye contact,

followed by the look-away.

You're making this up.

Hey, Carter.

Hey, Nathan.

You're right. I do regret it.

When I woke up and saw Charlie next to me,

I realized this is never gonna work. We're friends.

We're not supposed to be having sex.

Why did you do it?

'Cause after we took our clothes off,

it felt like the right thing to do.

If you feel this way, you got to tell him right now.

It'll be hard. I'll say we had a great time

but it can never happen again.

Um, Charlie?

We need to talk.

Great. I'll come by your place

and bring some lavender bubble bath and champagne.

Okay.

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Look at that out box.

It's just filled with completed work.

There's no way Stuart's ever gonna get his job back.

The nerve of that guy...

staying late, making sure things run efficiently.

He has no idea how government works.

Uh, hey, sir, how was breakfast at the club?

Terrible. I ran into the tennis pro

who had an affair with my ex-wife.

At least you were able to walk away

as the bigger man.

I take solace in that...

And the fact that I keyed the hell out of his jetta.

Paul, I think I just realized how we can get rid of Pete.

Here he comes. Follow my lead.

Uh, Pete, I want to talk to you about something.

Sure.

Pete...

We're concerned about your relationship with the mayor.

Around here, it takes a lot more to succeed than just hard work. Way more.

You have to connect with the mayor on a personal level.

Got to connect.

For example, he just loves talking about his ex-wife.

Loves chatting about the ex.

Is there anything specific?

Well, he's got this funny story about Helen and her tennis pro.

Funny story about her and the tennis pro.

You know, that gets a little annoying.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Caitlin, it's me.

Open the door and explain

that we're nothing more than friends.

He'll be out of here in 5 minutes.

I brought the bubble bath, dinner.

And may I say you look beautiful.

10 minutes, tops.

Sorry I'm late.

It took me 45 minutes to pick out this shirt.

Normally, I'd come up with an excuse that makes me look cool,

but with you, I don't have to do that.

I also saved someone from drowning.

Look...

Charlie, the truth is...

you look tense. You want a backrub?

Oh, I-I appreciate the offer, but I...

oh, that... That's nice.

This is bad.

What would Carter say if he could see me now?

CARTER: You're being weak. Tell him!

Ooh, where did you get that chenille throw?

You're gonna love this trick.

It'll loosen up your lower back.

Fine. I'll let him do his stupid trick.

And then I'll tell him.

I'll tell him tomorrow.

Ah, how'd it go last night?

Uh...

Did you tell him you just wanted to be friends?

I tried. Then he said, "do you want a backrub?"

Then I said, "I really shouldn't."

What'd you say next?

I think I said, "yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes!"

You had sex with him?

Yes. Yes. Oh, God, yes.

Carter, I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm spiraling out of control. Is it possible I'm a sex addict?

How many partners have you had in the last year? Nine.

Not including dreams. Three.

Or fantasies. Two.

Your only problem is Charlie. You got to talk to him.

I know.

It happened again! I can't believe this!

It happened again. I can't believe this.

You were with Caitlin again last night.

Yes. Yes. Oh, God, yes.

It's so great.

We're not all bogged down

talking about where we're going.

It's almost too good to be true.

Maybe it is too good to be true. What are you saying?

Caitlin is the type that likes to talk about her relationship.

If she's not talking about your relationship...

Maybe she doesn't want to have one with me.

But then why are we having so much great sex?

Oh, my God. She's using me.

I'm her man mistress.

You are not her man mistress.

Here I am, ready to commit, and all she wants is sex.

Look, maybe it would be healthiest for both of you

if you put aside sex until you've had a conversation.

You're right.

No more sex until we talk about our feelings.

We got to connect emotionally.

You know, Carter, now that I'm gay, we should hang out more.

This is fantastic.

I've been wanting Stuart to do this for months.

My pleasure, sir.

Working for a man of your stature has been a dream.

Is there anything else? Uh...

Actually, sir, I'd like to talk to you

about something personal.

Oh, well, what's on your mind?

Well, I'd love to hear that story

about your ex-wife and the tennis pro.

Let me get this straight.

You've been working here less than a week,

and you want to know about my ex-wife

and the man that tore apart my marriage...

...the most painful event in my life?!

Yeah. Yes.

You got moxie, kid.

I can't tell you how refreshing it is to have someone here

who doesn't just tell me what I want to hear.

Sir, it looks like you've put on a few pounds.

You're working Christmas.

You and I have to talk.

But before we do, we need to lay down some ground rules.

First, this... off-limits.

What?

It's very important to me that we communicate tonight.

So I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cut you off.

Charlieland is closed.

First, you're the one who's been coming on to me,

and second, you couldn't cut me off if you tried.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

All I'd have to do is stand close to you like this,

and you would lose control.

All I'd have to do is massage your shoulders like this,

and you'd lose control.

Well, all I'd have to do is...

I think I made my point.

Caitlin, what are we doing here?

So much has happened in the last two days.

Why aren't we talking about it?

Charlie... This is really hard for me to say,

but I don't think this is gonna work.

Why not?

I asked if you wanted a relationship.

You hesitated.

We went on a date. It was a disaster.

Face it... we have failed every relationship test.

Relationship test?

Where'd you get that junk, out of cosmo?

No.

By the way, you did find 10 ways to please your man.

Charlie, we're great friends,

and I count on that.

If we try this and it doesn't work, there's no going back.

Well, I can't go back now.

I can't pretend like the last few days didn't happen

and that I don't have feelings for you.

I'm just scared that it could end badly.

Well, I'm scared, too.

But there's no reason why we shouldn't try.

I can't.

Okay then.

No, wait. Don't go.

You want me to stay?

No, don't stay either.

You want me to just hover in the hall,

'cause I'm running out of options.

Do you really think we should do this?

'Cause I could think of a million reasons why I shouldn't.

And I can think of a million reasons why I shouldn't.

But I can think of one reason why I should...

And it's you.

I do want to try this.

We may go down in flames, but it's worth the chance.

Thanks.

Well, it's still pretty early.

What should we do now?

Well, it's too bad you cut me off.

I think I'm gonna head into the bedroom.

[DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS]

She's suffered long enough.

Sir, I can't hold my tongue any longer.

Where I come from we're known for two things...

loyalty and a prophylactic factory

that employs much of the town.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact

that you're getting Pete to replace Stuart.

It is a gutless, cowardly act.

I would never get rid of Stuart.

Well, then I guess we're both on the same page.

You have the nerve to question my loyalty

and call me a gutless coward?!

You know what, lassiter?

I got moxie?

No, you're working new year's.

[MAN] Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

[BARKING]

Moo.