Original subtitles

Let's get right into it, okay?

The first order of business is...

Hi. Hi.

Who the hell are you?

Clarice is a reporter from my hometown paper.

She's doing a big story on me.

Seriously, who are you?

She graduated from willowgrove high, my Alma mater.

Of course, back then, I wasn't known as Paul lassiter.

People used to call me the big "L."

In fact, they used to have a symbol for me.

Around here, we just call him the big "a."

You know what they called me in grade school?

"Leaky."

I'm afraid to ask.

Oh, it's not what you think.

I used to wet my pants.

Okay, people, first order of business...

by "first order of business,"

Mike is referring to the first thing

that Mike is gonna talk about.

The city has an image problem.

By "the city," he means New York city.

As I'm sure you all heard,

a woman went into labor in the middle of Times Square

and no one stopped to help her.

Maybe nobody noticed her.

She was on the jumbotron.

So to try to repair the damage,

tomorrow we're holding a ceremony

to honor five good samaritans from New York.

I'd like to nominate my aunt Ida from Wisconsin.

Okay, James, there's two things wrong with that idea.

She lives in Wisconsin?

And?

She killed her husband?

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Carter, you want to catch the game tonight at O'Leary's?

Sorry, Mike, Alex and I have a date.

Again?

What does that guy have to offer that I don't?

Besides that.

I'm in love with him.

Yuck.

You don't like Alex. That's ridiculous.

You called him a pretentious, name-dropper.

Guy can't have a nickname?

Hey, Alex.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, Alex.

So, this is city hall. This is where it all happens.

The nerve center. Headquarters.

So, you ready to go, Carter?

Make it quick. I'm writing this amazing screenplay.

Oh, yeah, so is my dry cleaner.

You guys should collaborate.

He could have your script ready by Thursday after 4:00.

Oh, that reminds me,

you want to see that Italian movie tonight?

Ah, sí, mio amore.

Sí, mio amore.

Mike, why don't you come with us?

Oh, no, I'll pass.

Oh, come on, Mike! Why not?

I'm getting checked for ticks.

And that's how the candy machine works.

Oh, there's janelle.

She's one of my underlings.

Janelle, have you met my reporter friend Clarice?

She's doing a major newspaper story on me.

Oh, is it gonna be in the "Metro" section

or the "big, dumb, white guy" section?

[LAUGHING] That's a good one.

I'm sort of her mentor.

James, the good-samaritan dinner is black tie.

You want me to rent you a tux?

Sure, Stuart, that'd be great.

Okay. What should I do about your neck?

What?

Come on, James,

we both know you have an abnormally large neck.

Is there someplace special you go, a custom tailor?

Maybe a big-and-fat-neck store?

Do you think that's why I can't find a girlfriend?

No, that's just because you're a geek.

Hey, Mike, are you having better luck

finding good samaritans than I am?

You know, I thought I had something here with this guy.

He pulled a woman from the pool at the "y"

and gave her mouth-to-mouth.

Sounds good.

She wasn't drowning.

Oh, here's a guy. Look at this.

He took time out from running a homeless shelter

to donate a kidney to a woman he didn't even know.

That's perfect.

It says, "he's dedicated his life to wiping out...

Democracy."

You know, Caitlin, there's something on my mind,

and normally I'd talk to Carter about this,

but I can't talk to Carter because it's about Carter.

So I need you to be Carter.

Okay, shoot.

Carter would never say, "okay, shoot."

That puts me on the spot!

He'd say something like,

"is something wrong? You seem pensive."

Is something wrong? You seem pensive.

No, I-I'm fine.

Okay, then! See ya.

No, no, come on!

I'm putting up a front!

What kind of Carter are you?

Five seconds to tell me what's wrong

or I'm out of here.

Okay, it's this guy...

it's this guy, Alex, that Carter's seeing.

He rubs me the wrong way,

and it's driving me nuts.

Have you given him a chance?

I don't have to!

He's cocky. He's a control freak.

He always thinks he's the smartest guy in the room.

Wow, he sounds like a real Mike.

If you really are a friend, you'll get to know this guy.

You're right. Thanks.

And you know what? You're a good Carter.

Well, it's just a matter of getting in touch

with your inner gay black man.

So, how does Carter usually wrap these things up?

Oh, he'd just leave.

Actually, first, he'd take his shirt off.

Or he'd just leave.

Why is James wearing a scarf?

I'm playing a gag on him.

The fat-neck gag?

You know it?

Know it? I love it.

It was a classic in the service.

Did you get the child's tie?

Please. Can you do the fat-neck gag without the child's tie?

[LAUGHS]

Wait, watch this. I've got a good one.

Hey, James!

Yes, sir?

Your neck is fat!

And this is the bullpen area.

Now, I do most of my thinking

back there in my private office,

but every once in a while,

I like to come out here, make an appearance.

Ah, there's my colleague,

the mayor of New York.

I'm sorry, Paul, no more interviews today.

Well, actually, sir, she's here to interview me.

Oh, really?

Ah, well, I'll just leave you to your interview.

I've got a big, important thing to do.

Paul, when did you first know you wanted to get into politics?

Well, actually, my interest in public service

began at a very young age.

Me too.

Did you need any special training to do your job?

Actually, I went to the Columbia school of journalism.

Yale.

And what exactly is your title here?

Mayor. Press secretary.

Sir, if you're gonna keep interrupting,

you might as well just do the interview yourself.

You're probably right.

Oh.

Well, okay, just remember

that you're gonna be talking to my entire hometown.

Oh, please, Paul, we're all on the same team!

So, your honor, how do you like working with Paul?

Oh, it's a blast!

[MEN SPEAKING ITALIAN]

MAN: Roberto, no!

[GASPS]

Isn't this amazing?

Oh, yeah. This is the best gay Italian love story

I've seen in a while.

You having a hard time following it, Mike?

Well, as far as I can tell,

funny-mustache guy walked his cow across town

and sold it to baggy-pants guy.

Yeah, but do you understand what the journey represents?

About three hours of my life.

Makes you realize how provincial Hollywood is.

They'd be afraid to show male nudity like this.

Roberto, no!

Whoa!

Well, that explains the baggy pants.

[LAUGHING] Holy cow!

Well, that movie was like watching paint dry,

especially the paint-drying scene.

Mike, what the paint represented was, uh...

Oh, you're right, it stunk.

Thank you. Grazie.

See? I knew the two of you would get along.

I'm gonna go hit the head.

Ah!

Hey, listen, Alex, I owe you an apology.

I got a feeling I didn't really give you a fair chance.

Mike, I understand.

Since Carter and I have been hanging out,

you probably feel like you're losing a friend.

But please, I want you to feel like you're gaining one.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I'm serious.

I'd like to get to know you better, Mike.

Okay.

Maybe we can go out sometime, just the two of us.

Well, y-y-you know, I don't do anything in twos...

Except have sex.

With... with... with women.

You seem like a fun guy, Mike.

You like fun?

Fun... fun... fun... fun... fun... fun...

fun... fun... fun is fun.

Fun... fun... fun is fine. Fun... fun... fun is fabulous.

Well, not fabulous. Uh, we should get Carter.

Hey, Mike, you okay?

Yeah, I'm just... I'm, um... I'm fine.

It's just, I'm warm with the hot, uh... uh... uh, heat.

You're a pistol, aren't ya?

I like that.

Bang, bang.

Mike! I know you're interviewing good samaritans today,

and I did something that puts me in the running.

Rewinding the porn before you return it doesn't count.

Never mind, then.

Uh, Carter, can I...

can I see you for a second?

Sure, Mike. What's up?

Did you have fun last night?

Carter, this is gonna be painful for you to hear,

and there's no easy way for me to say it,

so I'm just gonna blurt it out.

Your boyfriend hit on me last night.

[LAUGHING]

That's right, just let it out.

Let it out. There's no shame in laughing.

I'm serious, you know.

We were alone, and the guy was all over me.

Okay, Mike, okay. Tell me exactly what happened.

He sat next to me,

and he... he asked me if I liked fun.

And?

And he called me a pistol.

So?

So... s-s-so...

so, he wants to have fun with my pistol!

[LAUGHS]

Listen, you didn't see the look in his eye.

I'm telling you, you put us in a vineyard,

you add foreign subtitles,

it's funny-mustache guy and baggy-pants guy all over again.

Mike, Alex knows you're straight!

Why would he hit on you?

Why do people play the lottery, Carter?!

The odds are slim, but they got to go for the jackpot!

I'm telling you, Carter,

he's bad news, and you better dump him.

Mike, who I date is no business of yours.

If you have a problem with Alex,

then you have a problem with me.

And one more thing,

if Alex were gonna cheat on me, he could do a lot better.

L-listen, mister...

I drive gay men wild!

And that's off the record.

Well, first of all, congratulations.

You five are the semifinalists for the good-samaritan award.

One of you will be named good samaritan of the year

and receive a check for $10,000.

Hell-o-o, new boat!

Please! I saved 16 kids!

Ah, you walked by a school that burst into flames.

You got lucky.

I know, instead of just giving one of you the award,

why don't we make it a 5-way tie?

So we each get 10 grand?

No, you'd have to split it.

Screw that! I've devoted my life to helping the poor.

It's payday!

Look, let's just shape up here.

Any one of you could be replaced.

By who?!

I got a guy out here who rewinds porn.

You wanted to see me, Mike?

Yeah, it's, uh... it's about the budget.

I've been, uh, going over the initial figures,

and I want you to, uh...

Hide behind my desk

while I try to make Alex come on to me.

Well, if I move some numbers around,

I might be able to dig up an extra... you're nuts!

It's the only way I can prove to Carter that I'm right.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

There he is. Hide!

Hey, big fella.

Come on in.

Hey, Mike, what's up?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just distracted for a minute.

Have you, uh... you been working out?

You wanted to talk?

Yeah, sure, sure.

Talk...

Laugh...

You know, whatever seems... Fun...

You pistol.

Uh, so I went to the Knicks game last Saturday.

I bet you did.

Boy, that sprewell's got the sweetest...

Ass.

Well, I was gonna say "jump shot."

I bet you were.

Oops.

Uh, maybe I ought to go, huh?

So soon?

Well, call me crazy, Mike,

but I get the impression that you're hitting on me.

So you want to sleep with me, is that what you're saying?

No.

Why did you hit on me last night?

I didn't. I was just being friendly.

I love Carter.

Oh.

Well... That's good. That's great.

Speaking of Carter, how about, just for fun,

we never tell him about this?

Well, I think I'm starting to see

where our relationship went wrong.

Mr. mayor, I have to get this off my chest.

What you did yesterday made me mad!

I've waited my whole life

to show my hometown that I made good,

but you just couldn't let me have my moment, could you?

Clarice was here to write an article about me, not you!

Me Paul lassiter!

Paul, you're right.

What I did yesterday was insensitive and unprofessional.

I apologize.

Oh.

Okay then.

And that, Clarice...

Is how you handle a disgruntled employee.

Flaherty.

Mike Flaherty.

Having fun with your pistol?

So, did you patch things up with Carter?

No, no, he's still mad at me,

and I can't really blame him.

I couldn't wait to find something wrong with Alex.

Maybe you didn't want to believe it was possible

for someone to find the love of their life so quickly.

What are you saying?

That because I've never been able to find true love,

there's something wrong with me,

and I'm gonna end up dying alone?

No!

Good, 'cause...

That's the furthest thing from my mind.

You know, I have to admit,

I'm a little jealous of Carter myself.

Do you think that everyone has one true soul mate,

and that when you see them, you'll know?

I hope so.

Me too.

Oops.

Paul, Paul, I need your help.

I have to get this tie around my enormous jabba-the-hutt neck.

No problem. See, you're not paying for the workmanship.

You're paying for the word "Taiwan."

No matter what I say, promise not to stop

until the tie is around my neck.

I promise.

Ack...

[CHOKING] C-changing my mind!

Stop, please! For the love of God, Paul!

I'm begging you, stop!

Save it, junior. Paul lassiter is a man of his word!

Aaggh!

Hey, Carter.

Uh...

Listen, I just want to tell you I'm sorry about earlier.

Earlier when you told me to dump Alex,

or earlier when you tried to seduce him?

Nikki told you.

No, Alex did.

How does Nikki know about it?

Uh, anyway, the thing is, I'm sorry.

Well, I suppose your heart was in the right place.

I think I just liked it

when we were both failures at relationships.

It gave us something in common.

Now I'm gonna be all alone.

No, we can still hang out!

Yeah, but you'll be all happy and stuff.

No, not all the time!

Alex and I will fight! I'll be depressed!

You're just saying that to cheer me up.

I got to tell you, though,

I think this Alex is a pretty good guy.

Are you sure he's gay, though?

'Cause I did the whole pencil drop... nothing.

Mike, the samaritans want their money in advance,

and sister calahan is demanding unmarked bills.

All right, that's it.

Okay, listen, you are not good samaritans!

You're bad samaritans!

Mike, choking!

James, please.

Now get your good-samaritan asses back in here,

and be the kind of heroes this city needs.

Aaaaaggghh!

There you go!

Thank you! That's it! Good samaritans!

Good God, man!

This is a child's tie!

All right, who took his wallet?!

And then, in 1989, I went through...

can we turn on a light?

Shh, shh, shh.

It's better this way.

As I was saying, in 1989,

I started working for congressman shumer,

but even then, I knew that what I really wanted

was to work in the mayor's office.

Me too.

Hey, you guys want to hear a scary story?

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)