Original subtitles

All right, now.

Um, I think maybe

I should remind some people here

that answering the phones

"WNYX news radio"

is a little more professional than

"WNYX, kickin' it on the news tip."

You are so white, Dave.

Well, I'm so sorry, soul sister.

Does anyone else have any tips they want to kick it on?

Dave, as you know,

we've often talked about doing something together

as a group.

We already do something together.

It's called "work."

And since the softball thing

didn't pan out last summer

for whatever reason...

Maybe because softball is played with a bat?

At least I tried.

And a ball.

Whatever.

The point is to do something together.

Um, Matthew, if you're planning another office outing

to see a Knicks game,

could you please purchase the tickets in advance?

I said whatever.

I didn't know New York was such a big sports town.

Matthew, what is your point?

We've talked about

renting a summer house in the Hamptons,

and I think I've finally found

the...perfect...place.

Look at that.

Oh, beautiful.

What is this?

That's a creek that runs

right through the front yard.

What's that?

An old woman in front of a station wagon.

Well, hello, old soul.

Who are you?

Anyway, uh,

it's a great house, great location,

if we all pitch in, it's really, really cheap.

Cheap? I'm in.

Who's in? Me. definitely.

Great.

Then going to need your signatures

and a security deposit by the end of the day.

Guys? By the end of the... Catherine.

I'll sign after everyone else signs.

Joe.

I'll sign after she signs.

Bill, will you get the ball rolling here for me, please?

Oh, I don't know.

Come on, think about it.

Summer in the Hamptons.

Sitting on the porch in the cool breeze,

sipping a glass of lemonade...

Or a gin and tonic, perhaps?

There you go.

Go on, go on, tell me more.

Listening to the crickets chirp

as the waves wash over the shore.

Ah, yes.

Watching the kindly old lady next door

wash her station wagon.

Leaning back too far in your chair

and falling flat on your ass.

What?

Nothing.

Oh, man, you scared me. Go on, tell me--

[♪]

Dave, do you have a moment?

Sure, Bill. Oh, no.

Not another break dancing demonstration.

Let's just listen to this together.

All right.

[CRACK]

[CROWD CHEERING]

The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd.

That's right, baseball's back.

Hello, New York. I'm Bill McNeal.

Join us opening day live from Yankee stadium

for all the action.

The boys of summer and WNYX--a winning team.

I've been meaning to tell you,

you did an excellent job, Bill. Thank you.

You always come through,

and it was a pleasure putting it together.

You're too kind.

It's nothing at all.

You're right. It is nothing,

considering that you took my promo,

chopped it to shreds, and ruined it.

No, I cut a couple of lines. I hardly think I ruined it.

Uh-huh. Well, you ripped out its heart

and shoved it down its throat.

Then you put the whole thing through a meat grinder,

then you cooked it up, you ate it with a spoon,

and barfed it back onto a cassette tape.

Come again?

You ripped out its heart, shoved it down its throat--

Bill, I was just trying to do my job.

Oh. I didn't realize your job entailed

ripping out things' hearts, shoving it down--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

I assume this is about opening day promo.

Bill, tell me you didn't go over my head.

I most certainly did not.

Wait a minute. That wasn't you

that called my office about an hour ago

whispering something about ripping something's heart out,

shoving it somewhere-- not you?

No, not ringing any bells.

Oh, Bill, that is just pathetic.

Do I go behind your back and bitch about you?

Yes.

Lucky guess.

All right, I'm solving this right now.

How?

You're both fired.

All right.

Hey! I'm kidding. Play the tape.

[CRACK]

[CROWD CHEERING]

The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd.

That's right, baseball's back.

Hello, New York. I'm Bill McNeal. Join--

Wait a minute.

Where's the line about from the first pitch

to the final out?

Ha!

I, uh, cut that.

I loved that line!

Ha!

I thought it slowed things down.

We're going to put that line right back in.

Fine. Where?

We're going to take out "from the crack of the bat

to the roar of the crowd."

Put it there.

What? You can't cut that line.

That line speaks to the truth of the human condition.

No, it doesn't.

Like you would know?

But it is a good line.

The kid's got a point.

All right. Beth!

You rang?

We need to get a couple of pots of coffee in here,

an editor, some editing equipment.

Are you going to need pillows and blankets?

Nah.

Are you going to need Mr. Teddy bear?

Beth, please.

He has a name.

Sorry. Are you going to be needing

Mr. Bubby Wubby Shmoopsie Poops?

Maybe later.

Beth, are you in on the house share?

Are you kidding? I live for the Hamptons.

Great. Great.

I need your signature there.

I don't think I've ever signed anything official.

Cool. Oh, what is this, a floor plan?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Some of these rooms look kind of smallish.

That's not actual size.

Mm-hmm. Who gets the big room?

That's one of those little details

that will work itself out.

Oh, we'll have, like, a meeting?

A group meeting.

Cool. Okay. All right, I'm in!

Great. Sign right there.

Okay. This is exciting.

Do you need a middle initial?

I need a check.

Ah, yes...

Money. Heh heh.

Cash. Heh heh heh.

Yeah. The cabbage.

Los dineros.

The long green.

Yeah.

I don't have any money.

Is that going to be a problem?

Sort of.

You know what, though?

I've got at least 20 friends

who'd be willing to go in on my room with me

until I can get myself...

Wait a minute. You mean outsiders?

I don't mean 20 people all at once.

I mean breaking it up--

10 people one weekend, 10 the next.

People aren't against sub-subletting, are they?

We'll have to have a group meeting on that...

but maybe!

Come on, Lisa.

You've got to help me out.

Without this electrical certification diploma,

I'm not even allowed to change a fuse.

Joe, I've seen you change fuses.

Shh!

No, you haven't.

You've seen me build an electronic device

that changes fuses on its own.

It's kind of a gray area.

I still don't understand what the difference is.

Well, it makes a big difference in the eyes of the union.

If they knew, I'd be in trouble.

Okay, fine, it's important,

but I don't know the first thing about electronics.

But you know about taking tests, right?

You know, I did get 800 on my math SAT's.

What does 800 stand for?

Your score,

or the amount of times you brag about your score?

Don't make me make you beg.

I'm sorry.

Too late. Beg.

No. I won't beg.

All right, well, good luck to you, then.

All right. All right. All right. All right.

I hereby beg you to help me.

Ahem.

Ple-e-e-ease?

Okay.

Well, anyway, so what I need--

Get me a soda.

Kiss my foot.

Aw, come on!

Just kidding. All right. I'm just kidding.

Okay, when's your test?

Four hours.

Joe, why didn't you come to me sooner?

It's hard for me to...

Look, everybody needs a little help sometimes.

I've never asked anybody for help.

in my whole life.

Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Especially not from a chick.

You know, I mean,

I've asked chicks to help me out...

If you know what I mean.

Well, Joe, that's not help. That's charity.

[CRACK]

[CROWD ROARS]

The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd.

That's right baseball's back.

Join us--

[STOPS TAPE]

Okay, the other version.

[CRACK]

[CROWD ROARS]

Baseball's back, and WNYX has it.

Hello, New York.

At this point, I'm confused.

I heard a sound, but what was it?

Was it a bat cracking, a crowd, perhaps, roaring?

I have no way of knowing.

Look, I liked the line too,

but I think those sounds are plenty recognizable.

Oh, really?

Let's hear what the common man has to say.

Hey, guy, could you--

Bill, at least call the man by his name.

My name is Guy.

Hi, Guy.

Regardless, regardless, "crack of the bat" stays.

Yes!

So cut "I'm Bill McNeal."

No!

And all that crap about WNYX winning team,

whatever that was.

No. That's the most important part of the promo.

Why don't we just cut every third word

and be done with it?

Coming right up.

Crack bat, roar crowd.

Can one back has York, McNeal.

Pitch final opening Yankee action, boys WNYX team.

Well, beam me up, Slappy.

That's "Scotty," sir.

Ahh, geek test.

Busted. Busted.

You guys think that's something?

Check this out.

I'm Bill McNeal on crack. I like boys.

Destroy that right now. I'm not kidding.

So you're saying everyone's

put up their share?

Yeah, everyone.

By "everyone," you do know I mean Beth?

Of course.

No, wait a minute.

She's not bringing in a bunch of strangers, is she?

Well, you know what they say?

A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet...

and we'll be having none of those.

Okay, and what about Bill?

What about Bill?

Can you promise me

he won't be walking around

in his Speedos all summer?

Okay, yeah. Yeah.

As the official house manager,

that's just part of my job.

Makes me sick just thinking about it.

Mmm. I hear that.

Good.

So, sign it right there.

Okay.

Great.

Hey, who gets the big room?

Maybe you.

[CRACK, CROWD CHEERING]

I'm telling you,

that sound could just as easily be, you know,

a cricket match or a public caning or something.

I wish summer was already here.

Oh, I hear that.

And initial.

There you go.

Okay, look out, summer, here we come.

Yeah. The sun, the fun,

the sea, the sand, my Speedos.

Speedos, you say?

Yeah. You should give them a try.

Speedos are just so--

Well, it's not like

we're going to have a dress code per se,

but aren't they a little revealing?

They are indeed.

Seven times.

I've flunked this test seven times, you know?

I don't want to say conspiracy--

I am starting to see a pattern here.

Okay, one of last year's questions was,

"In the following circuit, the potential is blank volts,"

and you answered,

"I refuse to answer the question

on the grounds that the design of this circuit

is totally sucky."

Yeah. I don't know how that dumb bastard

ever got to be a professor.

Oh. Well, you know what?

That would explain

why you answered the next question,

"If you want to build a thermostat

"that won't be affected by humidity,

try this, you dumb bastard."

I get very impatient

with people who are lazy about technology.

Okay, "describe the fundamental

operating principle of a battery."

"See the following three blue books"?

Did you ever see the movie Seven, Joe?

Yeah. Whoever wrote that movie's an idiot.

Most of those murders would never work.

All right. Well, moving right along--

Look, you know what the problem is?

I'm just too smart for this stupid test.

Joe, listen to me. The point of taking a test

is not always to give the right answer.

It is to give them the answer they're looking for.

Yeah, right. What am I supposed to do?

I'm supposed to sit in my box

and be all mild-mannered

like whatever it is they make veal out of?

Yes...yes.

It's called "playing the game."

Well, I'm not a mindless drone, all right?

Mindless drones don't deserve

to be using technology.

You are the Unabomber, aren't you?

Line up for the lease-signing party.

Who gets the big room? Who gets the big room?

Whoever signs it first.

Seriously, I do need your signatures.

Come on, Lisa.

Hot town, summer in the city...

Back of your neck

getting dirty and gritty?

What?

Is it?

Okay, now, Matthew,

you can guarantee Dave and I will be there

on alternate weekends?

Okay, when I'm there, he's not.

And when he's there, you're not,

and vice-versa to infinity. Yes.

Okay, now, you can guarantee me this?

Can do. Guarantee.

Okay, because otherwise,

things could get a little uncomfortable.

Uh, did Beth pay?

Practically.

Big room?

Maybe you.

Speedos?

Speedon't.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Matthew!

The summer house.

Yeah, who gets the big room?

Oh, is one of the rooms bigger?

I hadn't even noticed that.

And we're doing this thing on alternate weekends?

Yeah.

Can you do me a favor? Come here.

Could you arrange it

so that Lisa and I are there on the same weekend?

I just think if we spend time together

away from work,

that we might be able to...

Oh, get back together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

In fact, Lisa and I were just discussing

almost that topic.

Really? What did she say?

Uh-uh-uh. Save it for the Hamptons.

Okay, all right, but--

Looking good, though. Looking real good.

Bye, guys.

Bye, Matthew!

The problem with even attempting to extend

the analog DBC

is if you don't back up your surge relays,

you're going to have power flux,

which brings up an interesting problem--

Wrong. The correct answer was "extension cord."

Extension cord.

Joe, you're way over thinking these questions.

And your time is now up.

You know what the problem is is I'm just too smart

for this stupid test.

I'm serious, you know?

I mean, I'm just operating

on a whole different level of intelligentness.

BETH: He's so right.

No, he's not.

Lisa, may I?

Thanks for your help.

How ya doin', Joe? Good.

You know what?

I'm going to ask you a few questions

that I think might help, okay?

I'm cool with that.

Who in this office

once almost crushed a janitor to death

while trying to soup up the elevator?

That'd be me.

Okay. Who is it that thinks

we never really landed on the moon?

If you look at those tapes--

Who is it, Joe?

Me.

And what guy refused to go to the dentist

and decided to try to fill his own tooth

using tinfoil?

Me. Still can't chew on that side, eh?

You see, Joe? You can be stupid.

You can.

You think so?

I know so.

This is the saddest After-school Special

I have ever seen.

[CHUCKLING]

Okay, yeah, this is like that episode of Star Trek

with the parallel universe

where everything is exactly the same

except everyone's on heroin.

There was no such episode.

Geek test two.

Excellent.

Ha ha ha.

Beth, you want to see a trick?

No, that's okay.

No, let's do it. Who goes first?

Sir, you start.

Me. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

The... crack...

of... the... bat...

The... roar... of...

The... crowd... baseball's...

back... and... WNYX...

has... has... has...

It.

[LAUGHTER]

You guys are getting

a little punchy, aren't you?

You... guys... are...

getting... a... little...

punchy... aren't... you?

[LAUGHTER]

We are all a bunch of morons.

We... are...

a... bunch...

Hey!

Got your checks, I got your signatures,

so set the controls for fun in the sun...

Whoo! Sun!

And I'm going to need an extra $100 from everybody.

It's just to cover Beth.

Come on, people.

It's only a hundred bucks.

Small price to pay for a whole summer

of blissful Speedo freedom,

or should I say "Speedom"?

Matthew? Matthew?

He's joking!

"Speedom." come on. He's joking.

The human body in its natural state

is no joke, my friend.

That's fine.

Just make sure I'm not down there

on the same weekends as Mr. Speedo man, okay?

Me neither.

Can do. Can do.

Wait a minute.

Matthew, you told me you could guarantee...

What are you guys whispering--

Nothing, nothing.

We're going to talk about it later.

You've already invited someone up there

for the weekend, haven't you?

Dave...

You know what?

We're going to have a whole wonderful summer

to iron these kinks out.

Now, Matthew, I get the big room, right?

I'm supposed to get the big room.

You?

Who did you say could have the big room?

Everybody--what? Nobody. Everybody. Maybe you!

Maybe you! Maybe you! Maybe you!

Maybe not!

I'm out of here! I'm out!

We're a family here. Sit down.

We're a big happy family--

[SLAP]

Happy, happy family.

Now, let me say to you

what I said to my brother

last Thanksgiving...

Give me my money back!

No! No, sir!

Listen, the checks have been deposited, okay?

If anybody wants to back out,

they're going to have to sell their shares.

Sold!

What? Okay, okay. That's fine with me.

Go ahead and sell them, that's fine with me,

because guess who's getting the big room?

Maybe me! Maybe me! Maybe me!

Suckers!

[CRACK]

[CROWD CHEERS]

The crack of the bat

can only mean WNYX has baseball from New York.

Hello. I'm Bill McNeal.

Join us and the boys of summer for action!

The WNYX team winning...

[CLICK]

That is the most garbled, incoherent piece of crap

I've ever heard.

You see?

They ripped out its heart and shoved it down its throat--

Bill, please!

Can't we just compromise?

No! Why?

Because compromise is how we wound up with

"Join us and the boys of summer for action,"

which would be fine

if we were running a gay chat line.

You said you were fine with that!

That's because I want to get

the stupid thing over with, all right?

Check this out.

[CRACK]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ORGAN PLAYS]

Opening day. WNYX.

[CLICK]

Wow.

You can say that again.

That was...compelling and suspenseful.

It really grabs you.

What are you talking about?

It's terrible!

She took away all my words! All my wonderful words!

Great job, Cathy.

Oh, thank you, Jimmy.

Terrific work, Catherine. Really terrific.

Thank you.

Give me back my wonderful words.

Well, why didn't we think of that?

Oh, hell, I don't care which version they used.

I just wanted to teach Bill a lesson

about going over your head.

Oh, well, thank you.

You realize you also wasted my whole day.

I also wanted to teach you a lesson

about cutting up Bill's stuff.

Ahh. All right.

But, I mean, what about that poor editor?

I wanted to teach him a lesson about, uh...

I don't know. Editing, I guess. I gotta go.

So how did you do?

I got every answer completely wrong,

but after the test,

I was on the elevator with the professor

and eight other students...

And the elevator broke.

And I was the only one who knew how to fix it,

using only a safety pin, a gum wrapper,

and a subway token.

I supplied the hardware.

The professor was very impressed,

and let me slide with an automatic C-plus.

Well, congratulations.

It was amazing. Thank you.

So...the elevator broke down, huh?

Yeah. Seems it was missing this thing right here.

Heh heh heh heh.

Would you like me to throw that in the East River for you?

Please do, ma'am.

You know what time it is.

Well--ahem--anyways, uh, Eddie,

I can't tell you how happy we are

that you're taking Bill's place

with the summer house.

Well, I'm looking forward to it.

Hey, why don't you meet

some of the other summer house members?

Um, Eddie, say hello to Milos.

Hi.

He snagged up Beth's share,

and this is Michael,

who'll be taking Catherine's place.

Say hello to Joanne, Lisa's cousin,

and that's Arthur,

a guy Joe met on the street.

Anyways, I think we're going to all have

one great summer together.

Who gets big room?

Shut up!

Ha! Humpha!

I'm just tense. I'm tense!

Big room? Maybe you. Or you.

[♪]