Original subtitles

Well, I know it's a crummy story,

but someone has to do a piece

on the Williamsburg bridge renovation.

Give it to me, Dave. I'll take it.

Bet that's not the first time Dave's heard Lisa say that.

Ha ha ha.

Come on. Give it a rest.

And I'll bet that's not the first time

Lisa's heard Dave say that.

Look, you don't want to get into this.

I bet Dave's never heard that one before.

Seriously, this is a very sensitive area.

Uh, that's what she said.

Okay. I'm telling them.

And I'll bet that's not the firs--

Actually, that doesn't really work, does it?

Wait, wait.

What are you going to tell us?

Um, well, uh, as things stand right now,

It appears that,

uh, Lisa and I are breaking up.

No!

Yes.

Uh, we--we have broken up.

No.

What happened?

Can we please not get into it?

No, we're going to get into this.

We're going to get into this right now.

Come on, man, leave them alone.

They're fine.

Oh, right. Look at them.

Go ahead, look at them.

Come on, look.

I'll tell you what.

If anyone would like to look at us later in the day,

you can just sign up with Matthew, all right?

Meeting's adjourned, all right?

Okay. Wait, hang on, you guys. Lisa?

Don't ask me to choose sides on this.

Nobody's asking you to get in the middle.

Okay, because, Lisa, I have to tell you.

I have always resented your big apartment

and your easy-to-manage hairstyle.

Well, I'm sorry. It's not my fault

you can't budget for rent and conditioner.

I feel like that little kid in Kramer vs. Kramer...

and I will eat the ice cream, Dave.

Fine.

Matthew, let me go.

David, David, come here.

Matthew, what--

Come on. Where's the love?

Come on, you guys, let's get into this right now. Seriously.

Let us go.

No, no. No one's going anywhere

until we settle this.

Now, what's up?

[♪]

Okay, folks, fasten your seatbelts.

It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Bette Davis, All About Eve?

No. Jimmy James, all about me.

I'm going to need a pot of coffee,

a box of number two pencils, a legal pad,

and one of those thingies,

you put on your head, you talk into it.

Oh, yeah. Peter Frampton vocoder?

No.

Darth Vader space helmet?

No.

Telephone headset?

That's the one.

What's going on, Jimmy, merger?

Ah, the Jimmy James wife search continues.

I am down to 17 potential candidates.

What happened to the rich one?

You know, from the old family.

Oh, yes. The only woman I've found

who has more money than me.

Didn't work out.

Why not?

I think she may have been a Dupont,

and between you and me,

I hear some of them are kind of wacko.

Thanks.

Anyway, I got to find a wife

by the end of business today.

Why the rush?

Well, quite frankly, Cathy, I'm...I'm lonely.

I am so very lonely.

Oh, Jimmy.

Plus I save a bundle if I get hitched

by the end of the fiscal quarter.

Thank you. Yeah, just plug it in right here.

That's it. Testing. Not yet.

Testing. 1, 2--test-- This--this is cool.

Testing. Testing. 1, 2.

Hello, Cleveland. Are you ready?

Please welcome... Grand Funk Railroad!

Aah!

Beth. Come here.

What?

You know...

I'm really worried about Lisa. Listen.

[SOBBING]

Oh, my God.

She's taking this a lot harder

than I thought she would.

Yeah. You know, you should really talk to her.

You know, chick to chick.

Seriously.

What's going on?

Hey.

Sorry I was--ahem--

monopolizing the break room.

I was just looking for my chips.

[VOICE BREAKING] Found them.

Melanie.

No, Melanie!

Mel--wha--eh...

Let me ask you one last question. Yeah.

How are you and this, uh, Antonio Banderas fella doing?

Oh. Oh, really?

But--wha--

You--you think it's going to work out?

Oh, really?

You sure he's not in it just for the Green Card?

Hello?

Oh. Hi, Lisa. Um...

Promos.

Thanks.

I was talking to Matthew.

He wants us to see a marriage counselor.

Ahem. Tech report.

The poor guy's taking it pretty hard.

Buchanan piece.

How many segments are there?

Five. Lisa, do you want to have a seat for a minute?

Uh, can't. Busy.

Doing what?

Story. Bridge. Williamsburg.

Insane. You. Why?

Look, I--I just think it would be better

if we didn't speak for a while.

That's all.

That's going to be kind of awkward,

seeing as we work together, won't it?

Well, there's other methods of communicating

besides speaking.

Do you mean sex?

Because I thought we'd stopped doing that.

Memos.

M-mem-memos?

Written memos.

Mem--that's absurd. That...

"Absurd or not,

you've got to give me some space for a while."

All right, uh...

"To Lisa from Dave,

"Re: memos.

"Screw...

this."

What do you mean,

handwritten memos will not be accepted?

And how's our brokenhearted husk of a news director

holding up?

Well, I have to admit, Bill--

Tell me about it.

I'm in the same boat.

My girlfriend, you know, Linda?

Dumped me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bill. I really am.

But for the record, I wasn't dumped.

It was a mutual decision.

Ha ha--I believe you.

Hurts, doesn't it?

Yes. Yes, it does.

Been lying awake till 4:00 in the morning?

Uh, yeah, I have.

Listening to the same record over and over.

Yeah. Bob Dylan, uh, Blood on the Tracks.

What about you?

Oh, I don't like music.

Well, what do you do when you're up all night?

I've been sleeping like a rock.

You and me, buddy, we'll get through this together.

Thanks, Bill. Thanks. That's great.

Beth. Come here.

Yeah. What is it?

You feel it?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Feel what?

The mood.

The--the office vibe.

It's like ever since Dave and Lisa broke up,

it's like a morgue in here...

[SCREAMING]

You know?

Oh yeah.

Okay. Hey, sorry. I got trapped by Matthew.

Listen, the memo thing, right?

It seems a little cruel to me.

Well, I just don't want to talk to him right now.

That's all.

I tried that on him too,

but he still makes you do work.

No, it's not that.

It's just that if I talk to him, we'll argue.

And?

And if we argue long enough,

I'll start yelling, and when I yell, I--

Feel incredibly guilty for a month?

I know that feeling. It's gross.

No. Well, what is it?

Never mind. Nothing.

Oh, please tell me. No.

What is it? Nothing.

Now you're going to get a soda.

Please tell me. I won't tell anyone.

Okay, fine!

When I yell...

I get incredibly...

horny.

What?

When I was in high school, I had to quit the debate team

because I was afraid I was going to get pregnant.

You know what? It's weird,

because Dave once said to me

that he was really turned on by you

when you got mad at him.

Well, now you know why.

Recall, if you will,

the lame argument about the NRA?

Yeah, we ended up doing it

in the elevator.

Wow.

Ewww!

And you know what? That argument was not lame.

The second amendment clearly states--

Hold on. You're not going to try

to feel me up right now, are you?

No, listen to me. Listen to me. Wynonna?

No. You're the only woman I could ever really love.

Winona Ryder?

Judd.

Already married, huh?

Ohh.

So, is your mom around?

No? Then, uh...

put your sister on the line.

How you holding up, fellow dumpee?

Oh, pretty good. How are you doing?

What you working on?

Uh, Lisa won't talk to me, so I'm writing her a memo.

Well, it started as a memo. It's up to seven pages.

Memos? That's ridiculous.

I know.

But just like a woman.

Yeah, exactly.

I will never understand

what goes on inside their woman heads.

Me either. Me either.

I hear you.

Like when they're mad at you and won't tell you why.

Good one.

And why do they always take so long in the bathroom

when you're in a hurry to go somewhere?

I know. Lisa would be in there for 45 minutes.

That's nothing.

One time Linda and I were late for the theater,

she was in the bathroom for three hours.

Three hours?

And when I finally broke down the door,

she had gone out the window and down the fire escape.

Really?

Yeah. Typical, huh?

Sure. Uh, you know-- and the other thing was

we'd go to a restaurant,

Lisa would always expect me to pay.

Oh! Women in restaurants are the worst.

Linda would never pick up a check,

and she'd always try to steal some silverware.

No kidding?

And the plates and the tablecloth.

A guy would never do something like that.

That's actually kind of weird, Bill.

I know. Women.

So then she accuses the waiter

of trying to poison her.

Big fight.

She goes outside, sets the trashcan on fire.

Blah-blah-blah, you know how it is.

This happened every time you went out?

Oh, don't rub it in.

Know what else is really weird about Linda?

You know, I think Linda

might be weirder than most, Bill.

They will never, ever admit they're wrong.

Oh, that is true.

I mean, why can't Lisa just admit I might be right?

I don't know.

Why does Linda always turn herself in to the police

for crimes she didn't commit?

You know, they're women. Go figure.

Bill, I think Linda might be clinically insane.

Yeah, clinically insane like a fox.

What woman isn't?

Hey. What?

I thought you were a woman.

Bill, how many times do I have to tell you?

Dave, look.

Lisa sent you a little bouquet of flowers.

No, she didn't.

No, she did. There's a little card, see?

No, she didn't,

and I suppose you gave Lisa flowers

and said they were from me as well.

Come on. Why would I do something like--

How's the memo coming along?

Just finishing up page 24.

Wow. That's bound to get her attention.

That's what John Hinckley thought.

Let me read it.

No, no, no. This is intensely personal.

That would be very embarrassing for me.

You're just like Linda.

She had a hard time opening up to me.

"Sharing," as they say.

Maybe she didn't trust you.

Maybe you're right.

I guess I'm hard to trust, but still,

she could've told me her home address.

She never gave her address?

No. She said she'd had some tax problems,

didn't want to put me in the position

of having to lie to the government

on her behalf.

Hey, I've been there, pal.

Beth, is anybody using the printer out there?

Nope.

All right.

Dave, why are you locking your office?

I don't want anyone looking at my computer

while I'm printing.

Well...whatcha printing?

Nothing. It's personal.

Does it have anything to do

with a surprise birthday party

you're planning for me?

No, it's personal.

Now that I've said that,

I've blown the surprise.

You're not going to throw the party!

That's right. Go away now.

Ohhh. Dang! Oh!

What's up, dude? What you printing?

Nothing. It's personal. Leave me alone.

Okay. Fine.

Hey, Dave.

Uh-huh.

Know that thing that you're printing?

Which is none of your business.

Right, which is none of my business.

Well, it's, uh, actually printing

over there on the other printer,

the one that's hooked up to the network.

Oh, thank you, Joe.

No problem, big guy.

[CHUCKLES]

So, if I can get you to yell at me,

will you think I'm sexy?

Beth, can we please drop it?

What do you do at a basketball game?

"Hey, ref, bad call! Boo! Let's get it on!"

Knock it off!

I want you to hold that thought.

I'm going to go freshen up.

Hello, Lisa.

Hi.

I'm sorry. I should have typed that up

and submitted it

in the proper memorandum format.

This is between Dave and me, okay?

Typical woman behavior.

What?

You're just like Linda.

She used to tell me I wasn't allowed

to talk to other human beings.

Well, Dave and I talk.

About what?

Just things. This, that, and the other.

Well, do you talk about me?

I hardly think that's your business.

My God, you do.

What did he say about me?

Things. Just things.

Don't play games with me!

You got what you wanted from Dave, right?

And then you snapped your legs shut

like a well-oiled bear trap!

Oh, my God.

I did nothing of the sort,

you dumb pig, and Bill,

would you please leave this room right now?

Or else what?

Or else I'm going to yell at you some more.

So bring it on! I can take it!

Beth!

Yeah? What is it?

I'm very angry at Bill right now.

So what else is new?

I'm about-- Say no more.

Bill, you've got to get out of here.

Trust me on this one.

You're just like Linda...

Except crazy!

Oh yeah?

You're like a werewolf or something.

[MUFFLED]

Did you just lick my hand?

That's it. I'm out of here.

24 pages.

I can't believe

that under your placid, pasty exterior

lay such a volcano of emotion.

Yeah, I've done some seething in my time.

In high school, I was voted "most likely to erupt."

I had a bit of a complexion problem myself.

The important thing now

is to erase that file from your computer.

The jackals out there would kill for this document.

You're right.

Done.

All right.

here goes nothing.

I can't give this to Lisa.

Why not?

What if this thing

is just 24 pages of hysterical ranting?

Isn't that what you were aiming for?

No.

Okay. You're going to need someone objective

to take a look at it,

someone who's respectful of your feelings.

A close friend.

You don't have anyone like that, do you?

Well, Lisa kind of used to fill that purpose.

And you screwed that up, didn't you?

So...okay, give it to me.

No. Give it!

No.

I'm not going to say anything to anybody about it.

Yes, you will.

Perhaps, but look at it this way.

Even if I completely betrayed you

and blabbed it to everyone,

no one would believe me.

Why is that?

Because I'm widely considered

to be an inveterate liar,

and rightly so.

But look, you have to promise

it doesn't leave this room, okay?

I promise.

You may not believe this, but I do care about you.

Thank you.

Ooh.

What?

This is a word, in my experience,

that the ladies don't exactly go for.

Oh, that's a typo.

That's supposed to be "pushy."

Well, when I printed the file, one of the pages was missing.

Dude, you should never erase a file

unless you're sure you've got a hard copy.

Well, can you just find it?

And please don't read it, all right?

Uh, Dave, this just came through the fax for you.

I'm pretty sure it's yours.

Uh...Y-you didn't read this, did you?

Um, only down to, uh...right here.

"Love is hard, but losing love, harder."

Then I figured it was yours.

Joe, how did this happen? My computer can't send faxes.

Sure it can. I rigged it.

Dave, Dave, Dave.

Thank you.

"Losing love, harder."

I hope someday I meet a man

who says something that beautiful to me

when I dump him.

Thank you.

Hey, is this it, dude?

Joe, that's just a bunch of ones and zeroes.

Ah. I forget, not everybody can read binary code.

Let's see.

"What is jealousy

"but the flame of passion--

No, that's not it, Joe, but thanks for looking.

Ha ha ha.

Thanks, Joe. Thanks. Thanks for trying.

Okay. No problem. Ha ha.

Thank you. Thanks, Joe.

Here you go, Dave.

What is it, Catherine?

One of the interns found this page

jammed inside the printer.

Huh. Never seen that before.

Sure you haven't, sweetie.

Um...

You didn't read this, did you?

Of course not, but you know that line,

"Two hearts side by side in the dark,

"each beating a wild rhythm

of deep yearning fully satisfied"?

I-is that in here?

And by the way, Dave,

It's not right to say

"To desperately beg on bended knee."

I know. It's a split infinitive.

Really?

I just thought it sounded pathetic.

No way.

Really?

Yeah, well, Citizen Kane's my favorite movie too.

Yeah. Well, what's your favorite album?

Oh, oh. That's, uh,

that's by Simon and Garfunkel, right?

Oh, it-- just Garfunkel, you say?

Uh-huh.

Well, uh, can't say that I know that album,

but I will go out on a limb

and say I don't think it's going to work out between us.

Yeah. Sorry.

Hey, Lisa. You ought to talk to Dave.

The poor guy's really broken up.

Well, I find that very unlikely.

No, it's true. He spent the entire day

writing you a beautiful love letter.

Dave does not write love letters.

Uh, yes, he does.

I read it. It's some pretty heavy stuff.

Yeah. Seriously. It's like Bridges of Madison County.

Not that I'd ever read that crap, but...

Okay.

What does it say?

Well, he mainly talked about

how he still loves you,

and that he's willing to wait as long as he has to.

Yeah, but then he said he's sorry he got jealous,

but he can't wait around forever.

I'm sorry,

but you guys should've got your stories straight.

There was that one part where he was going on about

"We could work something out about

I can pay for dinners, and you pay for the tip."

Well, that sounds like Dave. What else did it say?

What did what say?

Dave's love letter memo to Lisa.

Oh, yeah. The love letter memo. Right.

My favorite part was the part he said

he wanted to take you on a magic carpet ride

like in Aladdin,

and he was a man that would fight for your honor,

even if it meant against evil octopuses,

like in Little Mermaid.

Nice try, everyone.

Well, and--and if you were Pocahontas...

Dave, can I give you one final bit of advice?

Uh, which is?

Don't give Lisa that memo.

No?

It will only turn around and bite you on the ass.

Well, how can you be so sure?

Personal experience.

I just met Linda for coffee.

She said she missed me,

she wanted to get back together,

so I gave her a letter just like yours.

Really? Where did you find the time to write a letter?

Oh, I just xeroxed a copy of yours.

Bill, that is a complete betrayal of my trust.

What did you expect from me?

You're right.

So, what did Linda say about the letter?

Well, she said it seemed

like it was written by a total psycho.

You don't say.

She got so upset,

she flagged down a police car

and told them I was from Neptune.

Women, huh?

Can't live with them...

Can't live without them.

Now you're talking, brother.

Yeah.

Uh, tough day with the ladies, sir?

Yeah.

Well, you know, maybe, uh...

cold calling prospective wife candidates

isn't such a good plan.

Maybe.

I mean, I'd try the Internet,

but all the really sexy women on there

are actually guys using fake names.

Want to go for a drink or something?

No, you go ahead. You know what?

I'm going to make one more call.

It's kind of a long shot.

I took my mother off speed dial.

Okay, where do you want to go?

How about that crappy Mexican bar downstairs?

Good. Let me pack up my toys. I'll meet you there.

All right. See you there.

All right.

[SIGHS]

Um...

Um--

A memo that says, "good night"?

Lisa, this is getting idiotic.

You're trying to make me yell,

and I'm not going to do it.

Believe me, the last thing I want in the world

is you yelling at me.

Oh yeah? Well, same to you, Dave!

Same to you!

Look, there was something I wanted you to read, but...

I'll just leave it out here.

You can read it if you want to.

I don't care.

I'm just going to take the damn stairs.

Whoa! Very funny!

Made me look!

Yeah, go--go on! Take the damn stairs!

Go ahead, and--and damn you!

Damn him.

Damn.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you all ticked off about?

[♪]