Original subtitles

Hey, Bill.

Something wrong with your leg?

Not that I'm aware of, but thanks for asking.

Oh, well, if there's nothing wrong with your leg,

then why the cane?

What?

The cane.

The walking stick.

Oh, you mean my cane.

Yeah, I picked her up

at an antique store during lunch.

They say she's over a hundred years old.

Hand-carved mahogany with a solid brass tip.

What's wrong, Dave?

Don't you like my cane?

Again, Bill, why do you have a cane?

You like my cane, don't you, Catherine?

It's a cane, Bill. Who cares?

You see.

It's just like that old saying, "everybody loves a cane."

No, Bill, I think the old saying is,

"everybody loves a clown,"

which is what you look like

with that thing.

Ah, you're jealous of her, aren't you?

No, Bill. No. No, I'm not jealous of her.

It's just that it's such an obvious affectation.

I mean, it's such a desperate bid for attention.

Maybe, or maybe I just like canes.

But Bill, you're not using the cane for anything.

The cane should have a function.

Excuse me. Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for Chapman Graphic Arts.

Are they on this floor?

Oh, the graphic arts place. They're--

Allow me.

You, my good man,

are going to get back on the elevator,

go down one floor,

step off the elevator, turn left.

♪ Walk down the hallway ♪

♪ And the graphic Arts shop is ♪

♪ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 doors Down on the right ♪

♪ Just open the door... ♪

♪ And you're home ♪

Thank you.

Just glad I could be of service.

Bagel, Dave?

[♪]

Dave. Psst.

Matthew, why are you whispering at me?

Because there's something not right between me and Joe.

It's like every time he looks at me lately,

it's like he's zapping me with hate rays or something.

You know, it's like, zap.

Zap, zap, zap.

Really? Zap. Zap, zap, zap, huh?

Please don't mock me, David.

It's really hard not to.

Just watch him. Watch him.

Okay, Matthew, tell you what.

I'll go over, I'll talk to Joe

if you promise to get back to work, okay?

Good idea. Go, go, go.

Well, work, work, work.

Hey, Joe.

Hey, what's up?

Is there a problem with you and Matthew?

No. Matthew's my buddy.

You're my buddy, right, Matthew?

Yeah, yeah. You want to go to lunch?

No.

I've gone to lunch every day with him

for the past five months.

I just...I need a little space.

I understand. But you don't hate him?

No, I don't hate him.

He just needs to back off for a couple of days.

Well, thanks, Joe.

God, what a relief.

He just wants you to give him some space, that's all.

Space? What is that supposed to mean?

Just leave the guy alone for a few days, all right?

Okay, okay, good.

Okay.

I got to talk to Joe.

Oh, Matthew.

Hello, Matthew.

I got to talk to Joe.

Then talk to him you shall.

Afternoon, lieutenant.

Nice out there today.

Perfect cane weather.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess Central Park must be just full

of idiots with canes, then.

Good afternoon, people.

Hey, Bill, nice, uh, ooh, nice stick.

You're very gracious, sir.

Hey, Dave. Need a brown bean fix?

No, sir. I wouldn't want to O.D.

Yeah, I've seen the coffee and the damage done myself.

So, you're ready for the annual staff retreat?

Uh, sure. When?

Tonight.

Uh-huh. What is it?

Oh, well, you know, once a year,

I like to get the staff together

at the corporate office,

lock the doors, and kick around some ideas.

Well, don't you think we should give the staff

a little more time to prepare for something like that?

Well, I thought everyone knew about it.

Lisa, when's the annual retreat?

Tonight. Right?

Right on, right on.

Oh, hey. Remember last year when we went

till, like, oh, 5:00 in the morning?

Wasn't that a hoot?

I wasn't there last year, sir.

Oh, right. Lisa, wasn't that a hoot?

It was a hoot and a half, sir.

A hoot and a half. I'll tell you.

Talk about a hoot.

That was-- that was a hoot.

Why...

why didn't you tell me about this retreat?

I did tell you.

No, you didn't.

Well, I'm sorry. I thought I did.

You didn't. You never told me.

I've got, like, a few hours to prepare.

It's no big deal.

You don't have to prepare.

We just go up there and sit around.

Why don't you just come up with some stuff on the fly?

I'm just not very comfortable doing stuff on the fly.

Look, do you have ideas from last year

you can show me?

No.

Well, last year, I just went up there

and came up with some stuff on the fly.

Uh-huh. Great.

Dave, what did you do in high school

when you had a pop quiz?

Hyperventilated. Got a note from the nurse.

Okay, team, let's get going.

Let's get this jamboree rolling.

Uh, Jimmy?

Yeah.

Where are we supposed to sit?

Huh? Oh. Well, I had all the furniture removed

so we could hunker down, you know, rub some elbows.

Come on, everybody. Grab some carpet. Let's go.

Mr. James, aren't you going

to sit down on the floor with us?

No, thanks.

Carol, yeah. Yeah.

Go ahead and bring in

some pencils, pads for the guys, please?

Jimmy.

Recognized.

My ass hurts.

Okay, Carol, bring in some cushions too.

Bill's ass hurts.

Hey, what's up? Sorry I'm late.

Oh, Joe, here.

I saved you a seat right here.

Okey-doke, is everybody ready to, uh, do it to it?

Just one...

second.

Okay, I'm ready.

You just whipped those up on the fly, did you?

Dave and I are going to need a few seconds

to set our stuff up as well. Thank you.

One, two, three cards.

Okay, Dave, you're the leader of this ragtag bunch,

so go ahead and stroke me, Stokely.

All right, sir.

Thank you, Beth. Thank you.

Uh, I was thinking

we could devote half an hour every afternoon

to a live call-in show, in which--

Oh. Oh.

In which the listeners of our station

could air their complaints about living in the city.

We could call it "Sound off, New York."

Uh-huh. Hmm...

Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

I like it.

I think it's a winner. Lisa?

I'm not sure.

Hmm? What aren't you sure about?

Well, we are a news station,

and, I mean, as interesting as a call-in show is,

it's...it's not news.

Dave?

Well, maybe,

but perhaps it will give our listeners a chance

to feel more involved with the station.

Lisa?

People listen to us so that they can be updated

on news, traffic, and weather,

and if we start changing that programming,

they might just turn the dial to another station

and quite possibly never turn it back.

At least, that's my opinion.

Sir, this just came in for you.

Excuse me, Carol, didn't I say no interruptions?

Lisa was just about to drop some science on us.

I'm sorry, sir.

All right.

On your way out,

just lock the door, turn off the phones.

No one comes, no one goes. You hear me?

Yes, sir.

Okay, retreat's over.

I thought this was supposed to be an all-nighter.

Well, it was,

but Paul Simon's doing a surprise gig

down at the Bottom Line, so...

Oh, I love his music.

Yeah, I don't,

but I do have a line of snow tires

I want him to endorse.

That's it for today, people. I'll see you tomorrow.

Class is dismissed.

Um...are you hungry?

No, no, I'm feeling pretty tired.

I'll probably just, you know,

head straight home,

pick something up on the fly.

Where's my cane? It was hanging right here.

Has anyone seen my cane?

I'm talking to you people!

I walked in, tap, tap, tap,

took off my coat, tap, tap, tap,

then hung my--

I didn't take it, Bill.

Then where is it?

I don't know.

Maybe it took itself out for a stroll.

We both know you took my cane.

When you deny it,

you insult not only me but yourself as well,

and, of course, my cane.

Trust me, my friend.

Me and my cane, when I find it,

will find you, and... you get the idea.

What?

Hello, people. Sorry.

Sorry I had to cut things short last night.

So how did your talk with Paul Simon go?

Oh, not so good.

I think the world's going to have to wait

for...a hazy shade of whitewalls.

Anyway, who's got something?

Joe.

We could set up

a fully interactive on-line web site

for our listeners.

Good. Anyone else? Bill.

An immediate and comprehensive probe

into the disappearance of office canes.

Okay. Matthew?

My idea is that I think

a fully interactive on-line web site

is stupid.

Zap.

All right. Lisa.

Um, okay, well, this one is just a quickie,

but I think we should start

doing morning subway updates

on the quarter hour

so people can listen to us

before they catch their trains.

A quickie, but I likey.

Dave?

Uh, yeah, well...

to be honest, I can't say I love it.

Really?

Mm-mmm. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah.

Um, and why is that?

Well, uh, I...

it just doesn't feel like our station,

you know?

And what exactly does our station feel like?

Well, I just think that subway updates

are really going to interfere

with the hard news.

Well, sometimes I take the subway,

and I always thought--

Thank you, Matthew.

Bill, do you have anything to add?

Yes.

Dave stole my cane, and my ass still hurts.

Okay.

does anyone, anyone, have anything positive

to contribute?

Yes. I do.

Of course, I'm not sure

if it feels like our station,

but, you know,

whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.

Okay. That's it. That's it. That's enough, folks.

I think we'll call it a night.

There's enough bad vibes in this room

to run a hoodoo factory.

Come on, let's go.

You're being kind of a jerk about this.

I'm sorry. What? Could you speak up?

I didn't hear that.

[MUMBLING]

Sorry, what, sir?

What?

Oh, nothing.

I was just getting in on the fun.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Catherine, just give me the jar.

Let me see it.

Give me the jar. I can take it.

Catherine... Catherine...

Let me see it.

Catherine, just give me the jar.

It's stuck.

Hi, kids.

Ha. The bottle opener has disappeared.

How are you going to open a bottle

without a bottle opener?

Come here.

Do you have some keys?

Yeah.

House key or car key, anything.

Impressive.

I'm assuming you dated a lot of frat guys.

♪ Da, da, da, da Dum, dum, dum ♪

Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot. I can't find the can opener.

How am I going to open up these two cans of beans

if I can't find the can opener?

Well, I'm just going to put these right there.

I'm going to look for the can opener

out by the coffee.

What the hell does Matthew need

with two tins of beans anyway?

What are they doing?

Laughing at us.

I didn't know we were so obvious.

Oh, no. Us? No, no, we're smooth as silk.

Oh, guess what? My phone broke.

I can see that.

Well, Joseph,

your job is to fix things when they break, right?

Or am I just...

That's right.

Good,

because I'd like you to fix my phone now, please.

What's your problem, huh?

How far do you think you can push me

before I push you back?

Okay. You know what?

I just need to know why you don't like me.

It's not that I don't like you.

I'd just like you a lot more

if you weren't bugging me all the time.

Bugging? You know, what you call "bugging,"

other people call "communicating."

Well, I don't want to communicate with you.

Look, I'm the kind of person

that needs to share my feelings.

Well, I'm the kind of person

who doesn't like to be bugged.

And I'm a little bit country.

Ha ha. Come on.

Dude, you're a freak.

And you're a little bit rock 'n' roll.

Leave me alone, man.

I don't want to talk to you.

Hey, kids, come on in.

Hey.

Hey, Mr.--

Mr. James?

Yep.

Where's everybody else?

They are no longer relevant to the process.

Carol? Yeah, go ahead and lock the doors,

and if you hear any yelling and screaming,

just leave us alone.

Yeah. All right.

Go ahead. Come on.

Sit, sit, sit, sit. Let's go.

Lisa, fire away.

Okay, well, I guess first,

I had a thought that

if we switched from pre-taped station IDs,

to live ones, we could save enough time

to have a new two-minute feature every hour.

Dave? Dig in.

I think it's a terrific idea.

And he comes out swinging.

Look out, Lisa-- wait a minute.

What did you say?

I think it's a terrific idea.

Oh, you do, do you?

I think we should implement it immediately.

Oh, well, okay.

You got any ideas of your own?

Uh, yes, I do.

I thought we could teach Matthew

how to produce his own segments.

This was my idea,

but Lisa really helped me to really flush it out.

No, I made one or two very minor--

No, they were key points.

Aww, gee. What the hell kind of fun is this?

I'm all geared up for kick boxing,

and you give me synchronized swimming.

Well, Dave and I decided

that we could get a lot more accomplished

if we worked with each other

instead of against each other.

So what you're saying to me

is that because of your personal relationship,

You see the value in non-competitive cooperation.

Yes. Yes.

Well, that may work wonders in the bedroom,

but I tell you what. Do me a favor.

Keep that kind of crap out of my office.

Uh, well, for the record, sir, we really do try

to keep our personal and professional lives

completely separate.

Yeah, and I try to keep my dogs off the sofa,

but do you know what makes this country great?

What? What?

I don't know, but I do know this.

If Henry Ford and John Chrysler had been sleeping together,

hell, we'd be all traveling around

in horse buggies.

I hired you two guys because you are fighters,

not lovers.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, I'm sure

that I could come up with one or two ideas

that Dave is not crazy about.

All right. I'll tell you what, kids.

I got to get out of here.

Where are you going, sir?

I don't know.

I guess I'll go downstairs, see if I can find a bar fight.

All right.

How angry are those ideas going to make me?

I don't know.

Maybe we should go back to your place

and talk about it.

Mm-hmm. Are we going to fight?

Something like that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

No hanky-panky on the desk. I got cameras.

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know either,

but I do know

if Henry Ford and John Chrysler

had spent all their time bickering,

we'd still be driving around in a horse and buggy.

Um, who--who's John Chrysler?

The...guy that invented the Chrysler?

There's no such person as John Chrysler.

Oh, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Is he, by any chance, related to Jack Chevrolet?

Look, look, you guys get the point

I'm trying to make, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, great. Thanks.

John Chrysler.

Matthew...

We're not laughing at you, boss.

Come on, we'd better get out of here, dude.

hey, give my regards to Bill Pontiac.

Dave.

Oh, Bill. Great.

I wanted to apologize

for accusing you of stealing my cane.

Uh-huh.

Although we've only

worked together

a short amount of time,

I've always known you to be fair and honest.

Now, those are good qualities, Dave,

and I hope you never lose them.

Bill, it's not under my couch.

Maybe not under the edge of the couch.

Where is it? Where's my cane?

Okay, Bill. For the last time,

I did not take your cane.

What's under here? It feels hollow.

Bill, you're aware

that you're making an ass of yourself.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I guess my cane is lost,

and I'll just have to accept that

and get on with my life.

You stepped in front of the window.

I did what?

When I moved to the door,

you moved in front of the window

as if you were protecting something.

Okay, Bill, I'm asking you to leave.

You taped it to the side of the building

or under the windowsill.

I read your book, you magnificent bastard.

Okay, Bill,

I am now ordering you to leave.

I'll leave,

but first, I'm looking out that window.

Bill, you're going to feel pretty stupid

when it's not out there.

It's out there. I know it's out there.

Bill...

Yes, Dave?

I stole your cane.

Bill, I, I...

[RIP]

I'm sorry, Bill.

I don't know why I did it,

and again, I'm sorry, Bill.

That is the most childish, immature thing

I've ever seen you do.

No, this is.

Ah, but you knew I was going to do that.

No, that one caught me by surprise.

Oh. Oh, well, uh...

what do we do now?

Start behaving like adults.

An excellent suggestion.

Then we're of one mind.

Mm-hmm.

You do realize I'm just going to go

and buy another cane, don't you?

Yeah, and I'm just going to steal it again.

Touché.

Beth?

Here's one you can take right now.

This one you can break later.

Here's one for the Hamptons.

This one I like. I keep.

This one displeases me.

[♪]