Original subtitles

That's everything, people. Thanks very much.

Ahem.

What?

[COUGH] Promotion.

Oh, right. I'm sorry.

Matthew has been promoted

to the position of coordinating producer.

Congratulations, Matthew.

That's great.

Thank you, David, and thank you, guys so much.

I just want to real quick say that...

even though I now have more responsibility

and more power,

I'm still, uh, I'm still me...Matthew,

and no fancy title like "coordinating producer"

is ever going to change that.

Well, congratulations, Matthew.

On behalf of everyone in the office,

I'd just like to say nobody gives a damn.

Whup, bup, bup, bup, have a seat, Matthew.

All right.

Now, I have a little announcement of my own.

It's not really connected with business,

but I wanted you people to be the first to know...

I am getting married.

You're kidding!

Mr. James, I had no idea.

I'm trying to get used to the idea myself.

These things happen so fast.

Who's the lucky lady?

I--I haven't figured that out yet.

Anyone know... anyone know anyone good?

Now, don't you have

a particular woman in mind?

Oh, sure. Quite a few.

In fact, I've compiled a list of wife candidates

based on intelligence, looks, social graces...

all that good crap.

You made a list of women to pursue?

Oh yeah, check it out.

36 of the hottest prospects in the world,

all tabulated and ranked accordingly.

Jimmy, that is the most disgusting thing

I have ever heard.

You can't just pick a woman as if you're buying cattle.

It's humiliating and degrading.

Okay, check it out. 35 of the hottest prospects...

[♪]

Coordinating producer?

You promoted Matthew to coordinating producer.

Why?

He's been working here for four years.

It was either give him a gold watch

or a meaningless title, so...

Who cares, anyway?

I just want to crawl under a porch

and die or something.

What is with you lately?

[SIGHS] I'm sorry.

It's just that this time of year is very rough on me, that's all.

I know. It's hard on me too.

I mean, if I hear "Little Drummer Boy" one more time,

I swear to God...

Every Christmas,

my family sends out this newsletter, you know,

all about what my brothers and I have been doing,

blah-ty, blah, blah, blah.

You know, my mom does that too.

Really? Yeah.

Really?

Does your mom have her newsletter

professionally typeset

with full-color photographs

by a former art director of Vanity Fair?

No, my mom cuts out pictures of all the kids' faces

and pastes them on reindeer bodies...

But we like it.

Okay, tell me,

what do your brothers usually send in to this thing?

My brothers usually send in,

I don't know, a newspaper article or two

or maybe a magazine profile, you know,

and what have I done this year?

Oh, come on.

Look, you're the supervising producer

of the number-two news radio station

in New York city. Now, that is something.

My brother, Greg...

27 years old...

just made chief press liaison

for the Governor of Pennsylvania.

A glorified publicist.

My brother Nick

is chief resident at Mass General.

A glorified... really good doctor.

My brother Greg, 23 years old,

just invented some stupid computer game

and sold it to Microsoft.

Wow, that's cool. Which one?

I don't know.

Super-karate-monkey-death-car or something.

Uh-huh.

Oh, Lisa, good, good, good.

Um, listen, ahem...

I've decided to recoordinate your duties for the day.

Have you, Matthew?

Oh, come on. Don't get me wrong.

I'm very pleased with your work.

You do good work. It's just that...

well, David and I

would like to see it coordinated a little bit better.

It's all right here.

Matthew, your promotion,

it doesn't really put you in charge of Lisa.

Oh.

Ha, that's embarrassing.

I see. We're more like equals, then?

No, it's more like she's still your superior.

So the title's more like a figurehead-thing then?

What are you going to do next, make me Queen of England?

I was thinking Marquis de la Supply Closet.

Oh, I see.

Power is not given. It is taken, huh?

Taken.

Okay, people, memo time.

Get your red-hot memos.

Right here, Lisa.

Thank you.

Memo, my good dear sir?

Seriously, though, it's a memo.

I typed it up.

Sounds like a winner, Mr. Coordinating Producer.

Think so?

Are you wearing high heels?

No. Why?

You seem taller, more impressive.

More substantial.

I don't know, maybe it's just the new position.

Between me and you, I feel taller, you know?

But there's a lot of stress

that comes with this job.

Oh, I know.

But I'm hanging in there.

Well, I'm here for you.

Thanks.

Could I have a little time

to familiarize myself

with this exciting new procedure?

Take all the time in the world.

Good. Yeah. Thanks.

Thanks a lot. You got it.

Dave...someone here I want you to meet.

This is Melanie Sanders.

She's a financial analyst

here to do the annual ad revenue review.

How do you do?

Is there anything I can get for you?

I just need the spreadsheets, revenue breakdowns,

and a place to work.

Uh, Beth?

Oh, yeah, right this way, Ms. Sanders.

Um, I wanted to ask you,

a single woman looking to invest,

you know, like myself, limited budget,

lottery tickets? Yes? No?

I'll be, uh, right over here, Melanie.

I will be right here.

Huh?

Huh? Huh?

Huh?

Uh-huh.

Ho ho ho.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

What are they doing?

I think Jimmy's trying to tell us

Melanie's his special lady.

Whoop, there it is.

Oh yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ohhhh yeeahhh.

Hey...

Let's not get dirty, okay, Joe?

Sorry.

All right.

So the search for Mrs. James ends here, huh?

Yeah, well, let's keep our fingers crossed.

She's leaving New York tomorrow,

so I got to get this thing closed by 5:00.

It's now or never. My love won't wait.

Sounds like the Jimmy James Love Train

is gathering steam.

Woo woo.

Chugga chugga chugga chugga...

What'd I tell you about that dirty stuff, Joe?

Sorry.

All right.

You are aware that with a lottery ticket,

you can win a million dollars?

Beth, could we have a moment there?

Ahem.

Melanie, uh...

I just wanted to thank you for, uh, coming by today.

You really... brighten up the place.

Well, thank you, Jimmy, you're very kind.

No, thank you... Melanie.

Yes?

Huh? No, no. What I'm saying

is "Thank you, Melanie."

I said the "thank you" first,

and then I remembered,

you see, and I said the "Melanie" part later.

Man, he's really eating it over there.

The man has a lot to learn.

He's got to woo her.

It never works.

Of course it does.

Believe me, I've tried wooing women.

Well, maybe you're not doing it right.

I do it the same way everybody does it.

You go, "Woo! Woo!"

Follow them for five or six blocks,

and they pretend to ignore you.

It's stupid.

Hello, Dave.

Wow.

What's up?

Well, well, well, look who's all...

Drunk?

No, I've just made a decision,

and I am very happy about it.

Well, if you're happy, I'm happy.

I'm very happy.

That makes two of us that's happy.

I'm looking for a new job.

Suddenly I'm not so happy.

You're going to leave the station?

No, no, I'm not leaving leaving.

I just think that if I explore some of my options,

I'll feel like I'm doing something with my life.

Yeah, but what if you actually find a job?

I'm not going to.

I just want to feel like I'm making some kind of progress,

that's all.

Progress isn't always a good thing.

Says who?

The Unabomber.

Query?

Recognized.

Is Matthew superior to me?

Do you mean genetically?

No, I mean in this office.

No.

Good.

How about genetically?

Well, he is ambidextrous.

Freak.

Anyway, my agent thinks

it's time for me to make the jump to TV news.

TV news? Is that really what you want to do?

My agent says it's the next logical step.

Yeah, but is that what you want to do?

Yes, my agent says that's what I want to do.

How long have you been represented

By the Reverend Sun Yung Moon?

Whoo-wee.

Sure is all brighted up around here.

Okay, Jimmy, why don't we take a little walk, huh?

Come on. That's it.

Am I missing something? Are you quitting?

No, no, no, no.

I'd never make a decision like that without consulting you.

Don? Lisa.

What have you got for me?

Dave, will you take a look at something real quick?

What is it?

I want you to look at the big board.

That's very impressive, Matthew.

Well, thank you. This should do wonders

for how we coordinate

the flow of information through the office here,

and then right over here, we'll keep the master list.

Master list of what?

The master list of coordinating procedures.

For instance, uh,

traffic updates are going to be coded blue.

Mm-hmm.

See? Coded blue.

Great, great.

Then if we consult the big board...

What?

I screwed this up. Hang on a second.

Actually, can you give me a couple minutes?

Yeah, sure. Fine.

This is definitely...

Big board looks great, colonel.

Thanks, Bill.

It's just that the blue one goes there...

Red one's... but the red one's actually...

[GROANS]

What's the problem?

Somebody's tampering with the big board.

Well, I know Lisa wasn't very excited

about your new promotion.

Oh, ho.

Thanks for the tip.

Why don't you ask her out to lunch?

Lunch? No, that would take a couple of hours.

I think I just ought to go over there

and ask her to marry me.

Jimmy, I really think

you should take this a step at a time.

Yeah? Yeah.

You've got to do the legwork.

Would you buy a house you hadn't been in?

Yes.

What if you weren't rich?

Then no. Exactly.

Okay, hold up, I've got an idea.

Hey, Melanie?

Hey.

Would you like to go to lunch

with Mr. James and me?

That would be nice.

Oh, good. Yay.

Oh, God, I just remembered

I got stuff to do. Stupid me.

You know what?

Why don't you guys just go together?

Just give me a minute to clear up my stuff.

Okay.

How much do I pay you?

Not enough.

It will be corrected.

Uh-huh.

Okay, Dave, just relax, all right?

It's not a big deal.

Okay, uh, what's not a big deal?

My job interview.

What do you mean a job interview?

You know, a job interview,

like where you go someplace

and they interview you for a job.

Yeah, I know what a job interview is. Just--

You know what? I'm just going to take the stairs.

Yeah, b-but...

Dave, want to see a trick?

Pick a card.

Now put it back in the deck.

Hold the deck.

Mm-hmm.

Stand right there.

Look, if you're feeling threatened

by my new position, just say so, okay,

because I'm under enough pressure as it is.

Matthew, you ever play 52 pick-up?

No, that sounds like fun.

Sometimes you make me sad.

What's going on?

Looks like Lisa has friends in high places.

Trust no one.

Okay, Beth is covering all my calls,

and all my work for the day is done.

Great, great.

How do I look?

Uh, you look terrific.

You look really terrific.

I can't believe I'm supporting you

in your search for a new job.

I mean, what is it, anyway?

What is this job?

It's not a new job.

I'm just filling in for one night.

That's all.

Yeah, but it could turn into a new job,

whatever it is.

Look, I'm just exploring my options.

Why can't you tell me what it is?

I just don't want to jinx it.

It's not a big deal.

Okay, all right, Whatever...

Now, it's 2:30, okay? So you got to get going.

Remember, if you meet any of the other VJs,

do not forget to ask them

if Kennedy's glasses are real

or if they're just fake ones like Lisa Loeb.

I'll do my best, thank you.

Okay.

[DOOR CLOSES]

So, MTV News, huh?

Yes. Yes.

That's great.

That regular person that does it is on vacation.

Kurt Loder?

No, the woman.

Oh, Tabitha Soren.

Aw, this is great.

I'm so happy for you.

Congratulations. Really.

You're going to do great. I know it.

Really?

Really.

Really?

Yeah.

You don't seem upset about this.

No, I'm not.

What? You think I can't get the job, right?

That's not it. Of course not it at all. No.

Of course not. No.

Well, if it goes well, you know, I could leave the station.

Uh-huh.

Can I ask you something?

What?

Do you ever watch MTV?

No. Why?

This is MTV news.

I'm Lisa Miller filling in for Tabitha Soren.

We're here with Anthrax,

whose latest album is in stores now.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Now, John,

is there any guitar work

that you're particularly proud of

on this latest album?

You're going to have to ask Scott about that,

since he's the guitar player.

Oh.

Hi. I'm Scott.

Hi, Scott.

Actually, some of the best guitar work on the album

was done by our friend, Dimebag Darrell.

Right. From Pann-era.

It's "Pantera."

Oh, right.

Well, you know, I have heard some critics saying

that grunge music has seen its day in the sun.

What do you guys think about that?

We're not a grunge band.

Oh, well...

I was listening to the album, and it's--it's pretty heavy.

Ha ha.

Just because something's heavy doesn't mean it's grunge.

Okay, punk, then. I don't know. You know what I mean.

Like, that sort of hard, aggressive...you know.

Industrial.

Right, industrial.

We're not industrial.

Psst.

What is it, Matthew?

[SIGHS] I feel bad.

Why?

When I made my little office power play,

I didn't mean to force Lisa out.

Don't worry about it, Matthew.

I'm pretty sure Lisa will be back.

Yeah. You know, I'd be happy to share my title with her.

You know, I thought of a new title for Matthew.

Let's get back to work, okay?

Where's my masking tape? I had it right here.

Dave should really give you a private office of your own

so this stuff doesn't keep disappearing.

You're right.

Hey, what was that new title you came up with for me?

Uh...

I can't remember.

I'll get back to you.

Hey, Mr. James.

Hey, Spaz.

So? How'd it go?

I don't know.

We made so much small talk,

I didn't get a chance to propose to her yet.

Small talk? That's good. One step at a time.

No, no, no, screw that.

I got 45 minutes to close this deal.

If not, it ain't gonna happen, baby.

Tell you what, get out of my way.

I'm going over there to ask her to marry me.

No, no, Mr. James. Trust me.

You don't want to be that direct with a woman.

You got to be kind of sneaky

and trick her into doing what you want.

You want to know how to get a woman?

Please.

Here's what you do.

Walk up to her

and whisper the dirtiest thing

you can think of in her ear.

If she doesn't slap your face

and walk away,

she's interested.

Jimmy, honey,

flowers send a very clear message.

Flowers.

The only thing flowers say is, "I like you,

but I'm a tongue-tied freak."

Right. Or "I'm sorry

I made a pass at your sister."

Whoa, hold up. It's too late.

He's flying solo.

Melanie...

I'm single. You're single.

What do you say we get married?

Well, I'm glad you finally decided

on the direct approach.

Yeah, well...

I'm a businessman at heart.

As am I. What's your offer?

Single rich male seeks matrimony.

Primary residence?

Westchester county.

Would you be open to considering

a secondary residence in Manhattan?

Central Park West?

South.

Done.

Time spent together?

Eight hours five days a week.

Seven hours. 12 hours weekends.

55 hours aggregate. Specifics to be determined later.

I'm amenable to that. Children?

One.

Three.

Two. Done.

But one of them has to be a male.

I'll see what I can do. Vacations?

December, Hawaii.

June, the Vineyard.

June, fine, but Hawaii.

No, the Vineyard.

Is that a deal breaker for you?

I'm afraid so.

Me too.

Well, we gave it a shot.

I'm sure you'll find a better match.

Thanks for the time.

Hey, Dave?

Uh, yes, sir?

You know that Mrs. Fields cookie lady?

I believe she's married.

Oh.

Well, that would explain the "Mrs."

I'd better cross off Mrs. Paul, the fish stick lady,

while I'm at it.

Oh, well, four down, 32 to go.

Hey, Lisa.

Hey, Mr. James.

So, how did it go?

It went great.

They loved me.

apparently...I rocked.

Okay, well...

When are you going to be leaving?

I'm not. I hated it. I'm back.

Why?

Why? Why?

Why? Oh, come on. You knew I'd hate it.

You just had to go and be supportive.

I know. I-I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.

Sometimes I can be such a bastard.

Lisa...enough.

This is tearing us apart.

I didn't realize my promotion

was going to throw the whole power structure

out of whack.

Listen, I'm stepping down,

but only if you come back.

Matthew, you got it.

Thank God.

This whole experience

was starting to turn me into...

into someone I didn't like very much.

Lisa, did you ever figure out

what to put in that Christmas newsletter of yours?

Nope.

Well, would your family be impressed

if you were profiled in the Washington Post?

Yes. Do you know somebody there?

Well, Bobby Woodward owes me a favor from way back.

What, were you, like,

Deep Throat or something?

I'll give Bobby a call tomorrow.

Thank you.

By the way, does anybody know Faye Dunaway?

Is she as sharp as she was in that Network movie,

or was that just an act?

I don't know.

You think you want to marry an actress?

That's what I asked Ted Turner

when I saw who was number 14 on his list,

be he seems pretty happy now.

Well? My surprise, my surprise.

Didn't they have any with just Beavis on it?

I keep hoping

they're going to break up or something.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, does anybody else have work to do?

Hey, anybody want to go get loaded?

Hey...

there's an idea.

Why doesn't everyone go get loaded?

I'll meet you all later.

Well, I'm off.

The final revenue reports are on the conference table.

Well...

So...

It was nice almost getting married to you.

Same here.

Jimmy, you didn't even try my approach.

What?

You know, the whispering.

Oh yeah.

Melanie, could I see you for one second, please?

Well, I've got a plane to catch in two hours,

but if there's a hotel nearby,

I'd love to give it a shot.

We're out of here.

[♪]