All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S05E08.WEB.H264-13

JEREMY CLARKSON:
On today's show,
it's all about challenges.

Which can get down
a mountain the fastest,

a rally car or a bobsleigh?

Are modern showroom cars
faster than racing cars
from not that long ago?

And can a Formula 1 Renault
get around our track
in less than a minute?

Hello. We start tonight
with the biggest challenge
of them all,

because the skiing season
has just begun.

So round about now,
thousands of people
will be thinking,

"What's the best way
of getting to the Alps?"

Obviously, a car is cheaper
and more practical,
but a plane is faster.

Or is it?

You see, he reckoned
that he could drive a car from
our studio here, in Guildford,

to here, Verbier
in Switzerland,

that's a car,
faster than James and I
could get there on a plane.

You see, the thing is,
the precedent has been set,

because earlier in the year
I drove an Aston Martin DB9,

uh, from here to Monte Carlo
faster than James
and Richard got there

on those new 200-mile
an hour trains.

Yes, yes.
But a plane will do
500 miles an hour.

Exactly, so, he and James
accepted the challenge,
and this is what happened.

Hello. It's 5:30
on a cold and frosty
December morning.

Yes, that is perfectly simple,
just like last time,

public transport
for James and me.

So, we're using a combination
of buses, coaches and trains
to get to Heathrow,

then Airbus from Heathrow
to Geneva and from Geneva
to Verbier, a train.

And I don't care what
he turns up in this time,
he's not going to win.

Ah, hang on.

That sounds like 12 cylinders.

-Oh!
-That's a Ferrari.

-It's a 612 Scaglietti.
-That's the new one.

Morning, chaps.

-Morning.
-Morning.

Jeremy, am I right in thinking
540 brake horsepower
in one of those?

-Yes.
-Yeah.

And it's freezing cold
and everything's
covered in ice.

Yes, but it doesn't matter.
I've got the heater set
just so. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Um, so I'll see you Verbier.

Um, I'll keep the cheese warm.

Okay, thank you. Whatever.

ALL: Bye.

-I think we'll see him
in casualty, actually.
-Mmm.

Heater sounds nice,
though, doesn't it?

Yes! Yes, it does sound good.

(GRUNTS)

MAY: How do you carry
these things? Is there
a proper way of doing it?

My route couldn't be simpler,
to be honest. It's Dover,
SeaCat, Calais, Dijon,

left a bit, mountainy bit,
Verbier.

Job done.

Cheese fondue, bed.
And then the others arrive.

Well, that's an hour gone.

-How far have we come?
-About a mile.

So that's one mile
an hour, then?

-Yes.
-Hmm.

Like the DB9
that I used in the race
to Monte Carlo,

this is a big, six-litre,
V12 GT car, a grand tourer.

It was designed and built
to do exactly this sort of
transcontinental thrash.

You just put petrol
in the front

and the miles
spew effortlessly
out of the bag.

MAY: Meanwhile,
we were at Guildford Station,
getting our skis stuck.

Right, the A20.
I've got half a mile
to catch my boat.

Twenty-eight minutes
to get to Dover,
get through passport control,

get through Immigration,
go on the boat.

HAMMOND:
And while Jeremy
was racing towards the SeaCat,

we were trying to find
our coach to Heathrow.

Hi. Does this go to Heathrow?

We've just got
to suffer this... Suffer this
bit of the journey,

and then when we get
on the plane,
he's had it.

-Morning.
-Good morning.

-How are you?
-Well, thanks, how are you?

Good. Fine, thank you.
Just going through
security check?

-Yep.
-Is this your vehicle?

Do you know what?
It isn't. No.

CLARKSON:
As dawn broke,

I had my first chance to see
the £180,000, 612.

I must say, it's far
from the prettiest Ferrari
ever made.

But it does have four seats,
it has a boot for skis

and its nose isn't so low
that you scrape it off

on the ramps,
getting onto the boat.

Things were going well.

While I was hurtling
across the Channel,

the boys
were still trundling along
in the coach to Heathrow.

Well, there we are,
28,000 horsepower,

36 miles an hour.
Thirty-six!

I'm going to have
some bacon and eggs.

By 9:00 a.m., Richard and
James had only got
as far as the airport,

while on the other side
of the Channel,
I was already disembarking.

And now they had to face
the biggest horror
of the modern transport age...

Check-in.

-Ow!
-Oh. Sorry. Sorry.

We're going to Geneva.
Hammond and May.

-Can I have
your passports, please?
-Yes, hold on.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What? Do you not get
turned away with that?

Sorry, we're very childish.
Thank you very much.

CLARKSON: But while
our jetsetters were wasting
precious minutes

with their check-in misery,

I was suffering
another kind of torture.

(ENGINE BUZZING)

Something is really
buzzing in this car.

And it gets worse
if you go faster.
What is that noise?

Stop buzzing!

That's going to drive me mad!

-(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
-HAMMOND: Hello!

-CLARKSON: Is your flight
leaving on time?
-Yes, it is.

(LOUD BUZZING OVER PHONE)

What? I can't hear you
with all the rattling.

It is... It is leaving on...

God, that rattle
is unbelievable!
What is that noise?

-Hello?
-(STATIC)

Hello?

Maybe he's crashed.

CLARKSON:
No, I had not crashed.

I was thinking a little bit
more about the car
I was driving.

Coming down on
the French autoroute
in the Aston,

earlier in the year,
I felt like a gentleman.

In this,
I feel like a playboy.

That's the difference.

It's a playboy's car, this.

If I was a real playboy,
of course, I'd have shot
the dashboard by now.

HAMMOND: After piling our way
through check-in
and passport control,

we had to walk
nine miles to Gate 432

and James, as ever,
was refusing
to run on television.

We actually
do have to run this time
because the gates shut

and they will go without us,
'cause it's an aeroplane.

Tell you what, though,
it is awfully fast.

I mean, the Aston, right,
that had 460 brake horsepower.

This has 540.

HAMMOND: (CHUCKLES)
We actually have to run.

Naught to 60, four seconds.

Top speed, 199.

If I was allowed
to max this thing,

I could be in Verbier
in two hours.

Mind you, I was about to get
a lesson in real speed

because,
after a 90-minute check-in,

James and Richard
were finally on their way,

and they were whittling
into my lead

because in France,
I'd covered just 100 miles.

Hundred miles
isn't really far enough.

How much power
did Jeremy reckon
that big Fezza had?

540 brake horsepower.

MAY:
'Cause it does occur to me

that we've essentially got
the whole Rolls-Royce
engine each.

-Yeah.
-Haven't we?

-Yeah. That's mine.
That's yours over there.
-Yeah.

Look, he's belting along
the motorway
with his awful CDs on.

Oh, I didn't tell you this.
He's developed
a terrible rattle.

What has, Jeremy?

Stop buzzing!

-Well, he says it's the car.
Could be his hip.
-Oh.

Don't tell me,
it's at motorway
cruising speed.

(LAUGHS) Do you know? It is!

(BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S
PLAYING ON THE STEREO)

Now, at this point, I'd like
to tell you about the noise
made by this phenomenal car,

but the noise it's making
at the moment
is Breakfast At Tiffany's

because that's what I'm using
to drown out the sound
of the rattle.

(SONG CONTINUES)

There. Just had a look
at the fuel gauge and it seems
we need some, so...

I'm going to give it the best,
98, see if that
stops it rattling.

(ALARM DINGS)

Um, hello,
how fast are we going?

We're actually travelling
at 550 miles an hour today.

Crikey! That's fast.

He's not doing that,
even in a Ferrari.

Come on! Come on!

I wonder how much
this aeroplane actually costs.

I've no idea.

(ALARM DINGS)

-Sorry to bother you again.
-That's no problem.

-How much is this
aeroplane worth?
-£50 million.

-£50 million.
-That's more than a Ferrari,
for instance.

-That's quite a lot more.
-Yes.

I've no backache,
the engine's quiet,
the ride's good.

Good GT car.

And I've got one filling
station further than I did
in the DB9, interestingly.

Mind you, it has got
a bigger tank.

I wonder
how high this is flying.

(ALARM DINGS)

If it weren't cloudy,
we'd be able to see them
screaming by.

When the aeroplane landed
at Geneva Airport,
I was way behind,

still well north of Dijon.

I was so far behind, in fact,
that I figured it wouldn't
make much difference

if I pulled over and tried
to fix what I'd discovered
was the cause of the buzz.

It was the wipers.

Right, let's see if my new
gaffer-taped-up
windscreen wipers

will stop the buzzing noise.

Here we go.

Out of auto.

No.

CLARKSON:
Don't tell me
you're already in Geneva.

We're already in Geneva,
but, so far,
our skis aren't.

Yes, they are.
They've just come out
of the little chute thing.

Sorry, I'll have to go.

See you tonight.

CLARKSON:
Things were going well
for them,

but they weren't going well
for me.

Now I've got a big problem
'cause I've taped my wipers up
and it's raining!

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Oh, sh...

-(BUZZING)
-Yes, now, you see,
that was a bad plan.

Here's a tip.
If you've got a Ferrari 612,
don't tape your wipers up

'cause...

you're going to break them.

HAMMOND: Meanwhile,
we had only five minutes to
catch our train connection.

And as ever...

MAY: We don't have to run.

-No, you see, we do.
-No, we don't.
It's five minutes away.

Running is faster
than walking.
It's just a fact.

Not really.

If I get on the train
and you miss it, that's tough.

I'm about
250 miles north of Geneva,

so they're 250 miles ahead
at this point.

Yes, I'm beginning to think
that actually...

I can't really win this.

CLARKSON: And James
and Richard were about
to unleash the weapon

most feared by the car.

Swiss public transport!
It is never ever late.

And then,
to make matters worse...

CLARKSON ON THE PHONE:
Hamster, just so you know,
I'm in a contraflow.

Oh, that's poor. Where?

Ile de France.
HAMMOND: Okay.

And it's now 2:00,
five past two.

I'm probably two hours
from Switzerland.

HAMMOND: Happy losing, and
we'll talk to you later on.

He's had it.

CLARKSON:
Beating a train
in the Aston was easy.

That's 21st-century
engineering
up against a Victorian relic.

But to beat a plane,
that was beginning
to look like an impossibility,

even for a car
as good as the 612.

It's funny, this morning
when I got into this car,

I was tired, I didn't like
the look of it very much,

thought it was a bit boring,
then the rattle started,

but I'm starting to see
and feel that Ferrari magic.

That sense of
limitless power,

huge speed.

Last time he was here,
he was going,
"France is so good,

-"The police, they just want
you to go faster."
-Um, yeah.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
"Monsieur, please carry on.
You are famous Mr Clarkson!"

(SIREN WAILS)

Hammond,
guess who I'm talking to!

(LAUGHS)
He's talking to a policeman!

CLARKSON: I was fined £60,
but more importantly,
I lost 25 minutes.

The race really was
beginning to look
like it was lost.

Jeremy, I would calculate,
is somewhere around here,

at the side of the road,
talking to a gendarme.

Within a few hours' time,
he'll be up here
at a place called Le Bastille.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Now, time for our
second challenge.

And for this one,
James and I had to head north.

This is Lillehammer in Norway,
the setting
for the 1994 Winter Olympics.

It's got one of the most
formidable bobsleigh runs
in the world.

A downhill course
of twists and turns stretching
for almost two kilometres.

Even so, a crack bobsleigh
team can get down this run
in just under a minute,

with the bobsleigh itself
hitting 80 miles an hour.

That speed comes at a price
for the passengers, though,

because each member
of the bobsleigh team

is subjected to
cornering forces of 5G.

That's more
than an F1 driver suffers.

Honestly, to do this,
you'd have to be brave, stupid

or just desperate
to get on the television.

So this is where
I'll be sitting,
here in the middle.

And to make things
even more arduous,
we're gonna have a race.

MAY: Now, we've come
to Lillehammer, because
alongside the bobsleigh run,

we have this road.

They start in the same place,

they run down the hill,
and they finish
in the same place.

The road is almost exactly
the same length
as the bob run.

And like the bob run,
it's slippery, dangerous
and full of difficult corners.

It requires a special vehicle.

So that's what we've got.

It's a Mitsubishi Evo
World Rally Car

with a 300 horsepower,
turbo-charged engine,
four-wheel drive,

and studded tyres.

So that's the challenge.
Can the rally car
beat the bobsleigh?

I happen to think it can,
although Hammond tells me
it definitely can't.

Now, this is my bobsleigh run,
it starts here and wiggles
all the way down here

and finishes there.

And this is the road,
which is in green,

and it starts here
and wiggles
all the way up there,

but finishes in
exactly the same place.

HAMMOND:
Yes, but here's the point.

My bobsleigh
can get from there,

all the way down to there,
in less than a minute.

You've had it.

But, you see, all you've got
to take you from
there to there is gravity.

-Yes.
-That's nothing.

Well, I've got 300 horsepower
and a huge, huge turbocharger,
and 420 spikes in each tyre

-and gravity
to get down there.
-Yes, but...

But my bobsleigh
was custom-built
for going on ice.

Your car has had to be
sort of adapted
with clever tyres and stuff.

-You're wearing tights.
-I am.

I can't take lectures
on physics
from the man in tights.

-I am aware of the tights.
-Dancing, yes.

-Physics, no. (LAUGHS)
-(LAUGHS)

MAY: The truth is, though,
the bob is going
to be hard to beat,

which kind of counts me out
for driving the car.

So instead,
we've got Henning Solberg,

the Norwegian
National Rally Champion.

One, two, three.

HAMMOND: The bobsleigh's
chance of victory all depends
on how good our start is.

That means intense preparation
for me and the Norwegian
Olympic bobsleigh team.

And while we practise running,
the driver visualises
the course in his head.

All this
provided much merriment
for the bone idle May.

-Are you warming up?
-Yes.

I'm warming up as well.

HAMMOND: To be honest,
I couldn't
see the funny side of it

because I was really worried
about letting the team down.

Any time you lose here,
a second is multiplied
by three at the bottom.

So, that would be
three seconds.

And I was also worried about
whether my body would cope.

Key thing is,
as you go into the corners,

to hold your breath,
to get as much breath in
as you can

'cause that actually
holds your body up.

It literally supports you
when you're being subjected
to G-forces in the corners.

Apparently in a couple
of places down there,
it hits six-and-a-half G.

Driver told me
he's been doing this six years

and he's three centimetres
shorter.

I can't afford to lose
three centimetres.

HAMMOND: James was strapped in
and I was ready to run.

Our race rally driver could
hardly speak any English.

But that didn't stop James
giving him a patronising
British pep talk.

Righto, Henning,
it's the reputation
of internal combustion

resting on your shoulders
over the next minute or so.

I was going to time the car
with my trusty stopwatch.

And Hammond's bob would be
timed by the course officials.

This was it.

ALL: Go.

(BUZZING)

The trees...you nutter!

HAMMOND:
We're starting to turn.

Oh! That's a turn.
That's a turn. 16 corners.

That's three of them done.

MAY: Two kilometres,
on ice, in a minute.

Boy, has Henning
got it all to do!

Oh! That hurts a lot!
That's my head!

(BLEEP)

HAMMOND:
The bob may have started slow,

but it was just getting faster
and faster,

and these guys
never use the brakes.

No! No, no, no!

HAMMOND:
There's a complex
coming up...

Oh, that's one!
And there's another.

MAY: At mid-point,
1,000 metres in,
it was anybody's guess.

Brake, use the brakes, man!

HAMMOND:
Oh, put a sock in here!
I'm banging my head.

Oh!

Oh, my head! Big breaths.

MAY:
Henning was just awesome!
You can't go this fast on ice.

(BLEEP)

HAMMOND: He hit the side.
He's going to kill us.

(SCREAMING)

I don't want to die in tights!

59.68.

Did we win?

What did he do?

Strewth!

(GASPS)

(SCOFFS) I'm broken.

-What have you done it in?
-59.68.

Go on... Come on, come on!

One minute, two seconds, 24.

Yes! We've won!

Guys! The boys!

-That was good.
-Hope I didn't slow
you up too much.

That was fantastic! We did it.
That really was something.

(LAUGHING)
Awesome! Yes!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I have to say...

I have to say, James,
you looked petrified!

-Well, I was.
-(ALL LAUGHING)

You did...
I will say, though...

Of all the things
I've ever done over the years,
jet fighters and so on,

bobsleighing
is easily the scariest.

-It really is.
-Yeah, it's very frightening.
It's painful, too.

Because you have to wear these
funny trainers with spikes on
so you can get grip the ice.

But the thing is,
when the guy leaps in
behind you,

they also stick in your leg,
I noticed.

In fact, it was only my bones
that stopped him going all
the way through me. It hurts.

Plus, there's another thing,
when I got in it
to do my run in Innsbruck,

they said it will continue
to go to the bottom,
even if it turns over,

it'll just be on the head
of the tallest person in it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You would have been
okay on that.

-You're a kind of
human rollbar.
-Yeah. Anyway,

we got to move on,
we've got to meet our guest.

He's a man,
except when he isn't.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Eddie Izzard!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-How are you?
-Fine. Well, just about.

-Now, you've got
a pilot's licence.
-I have a pilot's licence.

And so, I was just wondering,
can you actually
fly a Spitfire?

I think, yeah,
I think if I got it now,
if I was in The Great Escape

and I was James Garner,

and there was
a Spitfire there,

(STUTTERS)
and Donald Pleasence's saying,
"Can you fly any of these?"

I'd say,
"Yeah I could fly
the Spitfire."

I could. I logically could,
because I've learnt
on a Piper,

which is like
a quarter of the speed

of, uh, a Spitfire.

Spitfire's about 400 knots,
400 miles an hour
or something like this.

But all the logic is there,

you know, all the stuff,
all the basic equipment
is there.

So I could do it,
I'd just probably kill myself.

That'd be fantastic.
I'll like to see you
flying a Spitfire.

No, I do want to do this.
I mean... They are...
It's just a beautiful machine.

Is it the greatest machine
the world has ever produced?

I don't know. Wouldn't...

I think
different people would argue,
different countries would...

The Focke-Wulf 109
or something.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You know...

-You see, they're chuckling
just because...
-I know.

But when you get into it,
some of the German machines
were good, but that...

And the Hurricane shot down
more enemy planes
in the Battle of Britain.

See, this is the thing
that interests me.

Because obviously,
when I first saw you
kicking around,

I assumed you'd be like
cushions and wild flowers.

-And it turns out...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It turns out that
you do have a genuine love
for engineering.

No,
I'm an action transvestite.
This is the thing.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I've said this.
People give me
flowers quite a lot.

I don't know
what to do with flowers.

I could... I...
They die on me.
They just die.

And you're supposed
to water them,
and I can't work out why.

Uh, why don't they
just do it them...
Can't they just bugger off?

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-I mean, I...

I've asked some of
the audiences,

I said, "Look,
I really don't want you to
give me anything ever."

"But if you are going to
give me something,

"give me those little things,
you know, when you press down,
they go ba-doing."

And I like those,
you know, little...

Have you seen
the little clockwork things
that hop round your desk?

Yeah, that's what I like.

I'm a complete gadget freak.
So I'm a complete boy, boy,
girl, action-racer, boy...

Carrie-Anne Moss in The Matrix
kind of area of gadgetry
with the studs...

I'm with you.
Is it a love of speed?

-No, I don't think I have
a love of speed. Um...
-You like guns?

Yeah, no,
I have a gun thing, too,
which I don't buy any

but I go to the funfest
and shoot metal ducks.

(LAUGHING)

Who have done me no harm.
I do understand why America
has 200 million guns.

Um, that's 'cause obviously
they get one gun and they say,
"I'll put it in the drawer."

Then they say,
"If a guy gets in...

"If a burglar gets in,
I'll put two guns here."

And then, by the time
they're in the bedroom,
they've about 48 guns.

Now, um...

Despite the love
of engineering and guns
and so on, you drive a Mini.

-Mmm.
-On purpose or...

(STUTTERS) I'm a huge fan
of The Italian Job
first time round.

The real Italian Job,
as supposed to that other one.

-And, uh...
-Which was the
Los Angeles job?

Yeah the Los Angeles one
which started with...
(MUTTERS) "What?"

-(LAUGHS)
-And, um...

"And why?" And, uh...
Yeah, so the Mini Cooper.

I've loved the Mini Cooper
since then.

So, I had the original
Mini Cooper and then I had
this Mini Cooper.

I just... I've actually tried
to find a big, crazy car
to buy.

Kind of thing,
"I could do this now."

But I've not found a car
that really grabs me, and
I just love the Mini Cooper.

The thing is,
if you love gadgets,
there's not much...

-The satellite navigation
in that is appalling.
-Yeah.

It's a BMW one.
It knows nothing.

(STUTTERS) I haven't tried
the other ones. But why
do you find it so appalling?

Have you tried my one
in my car?

Well, I'm assuming
it's the same.

I mean, they don't have
a different girl
in each different car,

otherwise
you'd run out of girls,
'cause they sold thousands.

I think, they should have
an option for swearing.

"Turn left, you dickhead."
You know?

That would be nice
for SatNav.

I find the SatNav is fine,
except, if you...

I went to a place
called Mountview Road,

-and it wasn't Mount View
Road, it was Mountview Road.
-Mmm-hmm.

Mountview Road, no gap.
And we're looking
for Mount View road.

The postcode
didn't make sense.
I hit another one.

And you have to
check your destination.

Once you've put it in,
you've got to check
whether it's going to

otherwise you'll end up
in Cyprus.

I have found.

Now the other thing
I was reading the other day
is that you like roundabouts?

No, well, the thing about
roundabouts, I just think
it's a very beautiful...

I meant a pure invention,

and as an invention,
it is beautiful,
it costs no money.

You paint that circle on.
It doesn't have the cost
of the traffic lights

and when we get there
we know what to do.

And we can work it out.
And if someone's coming
from the opposite direction,

you know
you can go straight away

because they're never
going to cut you off.

It's such a beautiful thing,
and the mini-roundabouts
especially.

'Cause you can just drive over
the middle if you want to
or you can go round.

But, you know, it just
doesn't cost money.

Are you sort of interested
in traffic flow, then,
is this something...

No, it bores the pants off me.

Good, right,
that clears it up.

But I like the purity.
I'm interested in the...
Simple is pure.

Like they did a special,
they did a film about the
discovery, the DNA molecules,

and Crick and Watson.

-Mmm-hmm.
-And Watson said,
"The truth is pretty."

"The truth is pretty."
But then Francis Bacon said,

"There is no beauty
that hath not some strangeness
about its proportion."

Well, he was named after
bits of a pig.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He may have got that wrong,
yes.
He may have got that wrong.

Now, the lap.

-Yes.
-The lap.
How did it go out there?

Well, I

did not realise...
Everyone's saying,
"Was it fun? Was it fun?"

I didn't quite hit fun
because my stomach...

I'm the most...
If you had a list of the most
throw-up-ability type,

I throw up on everything.
I've thrown up
on planes, trains...

Even trains,
no one throws up on trains.

I threw up
over an old lady in a train.

-So this was...
-But you can't get car sick
from the driver's seat.

I was yes... I got...
Yes, I was making
myself carsick.

Even though you were driving?

Yeah, I didn't realise
it would flip out this much.

But the speeds we were going
were so much higher
than normal stuff,

-that the torque was...
-But it's a Suzuki Liana.

-I know, but the torque
was throwing me out.
-Really?

Yeah. So, once I got
the stomach thing,

I didn't give a (BLEEP)
about anything.

I just wanted to get a lap
in there and then get out,
actually, to be honest.

Well, let's have a look
how it went, shall we?
Play the tape.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

IZZARD:
Can I comment on this?

CLARKSON: You can comment
whatever you like.

If you look at my face,
my face is just, like,

"I'm gonna throw up
at any point here."

So I've actually taken
all emotion out of the face.

I'm not even bothered
about looking scared any more
or anything.

CLARKSON: You look like
Kiefer Sutherland. Is that
Jack Bauer going around?

IZZARD: No, he looks like me.
CLARKSON: No, you're right,
you just look plain ill there.

-(TYRES SCREECHING)
-CLARKSON: That's pretty
vigorous for a man...

IZZARD: I was going for it.
CLARKSON: ...on the point
of projectile vomiting.

IZZARD: Well, look at this,
there's just no...
CLARKSON: Yep.

I like this.
This is the one where
you brake like crazy.

CLARKSON: Yeah, did you manage
to keep it between the lines?

Ummm... No... So you were
pushing reasonably hard.

-Was I supposed to be between
the lines there?
-Yeah, it doesn't really make

a difference since there's
no grass to run on to.
That comes later.

Flat out through here?
Did you go or did you have
to lift off?

-I like that shot.
-Yes, it's good.

CLARKSON: But were
you going flat out?
IZZARD: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

CLARKSON:
That's all right, then.

Second to last corner,
everyone goes off here.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-CLARKSON: And indeed.

IZZARD: But that wasn't
my last lap.

CLARKSON: No, it doesn't make
any difference. We always
take your fastest lap

out of the nine
or ten you did.

Oh, that's how it works.

There you are across the line.

So, where do you reckon, then?

God, I don't know.

Faster than the blind man?
The new bench mark.

-Maybe so.
-Well, don't worry, you did
do faster than that.

You did it... One minute,

52 seconds,
ladies and gentlemen.

Which means...

The same time...

Did you ever think you'd see
the day when you were between
Jordan and Rick Parfitt?

No, I didn't think
I'd see that day.

On level terms with both.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's been a pleasure

having you here.
Eddie Izzard!

Thanks, Eddie.

Now, the other day
we were wondering

are the cars of today,
the sort of cars you can buy
in a showroom,

as fast as the racing cars
of 20 or 30 years ago?

This is a classic
case in point. This is the
Ford Escort that took

Roger Clarke to the 1974
British Rally Championship.

And what we've got here
is a perfectly normal
Ford Focus RS.

Leather seats,
hot and cold running,
electric windows, the lot.

So, same driver, same track,

let's find out
which is the fastest.

Away they go. And the Escort
is half a second faster
from naught to 60

'cause it's more powerful and
a fifth of a tonne lighter.

But just look at the way
it corners there!

Here the Focus comes into
its own with its modern tyres
and its computer skulduggery.

Hammerhead now, and
the Focus's trick differential
means it tracks neat and true.

While the Escort is
over-steering wildly!

That is a live
rear axle for you.

This is incredible, though,

a car you don't have
to wear a helmet to drive,

as they go through
the tyre wall, is miles ahead

of a car that won
the British Rally Championship
and now it's a tripod!

We're coming up to the finish
and the £20,000 Focus
has simply monstered

the priceless rally legend.

Right. So, that was
a clear victory
for the high street.

So, I think we should
up the ante a bit.

Okay. Yes, fair enough.
So what we've got here,

is one of the most famous
racing cars of all time,
the Ford GT40.

This won Le Mans four times

from 1966 to 1969.

And what we have here is
the Noble M400, which is

one of our favourite current
sports cars. And I don't think
has ever won anything.

No, absolutely nothing at all.

So, what do we think?

What do we reckon
is going to win this?

-Noble.
-You reckon the Noble.

An interesting one, that,
because it's got, what,
425 brake horsepower.

The Ford only has 390.

Anyone else?
Any other thoughts?

MAN: GT40.

-You think...
-Yeah, the GT40.

-But, you see...
-It's lighter, isn't it?

Good point.
It is a lot lighter.

Because, I mean, it looks like
half of Detroit in the back,

but actually it doesn't weigh
more than a Lotus Elise GT40.

That's much heavier.
The Noble's a lot heavier.

So, let's have
a show of hands.
Who thinks it's the Noble?

Hands up for the power.
Hands up for the racing
lightness.

Ooh, I'd say the GT40's
just edged it here.

Well, let's find out.

This is thumping,
old-fashioned V8-power
versus a modern V6 turbo,

and sheer size
seems to have it, because
the GT40 is already ahead.

But look...

The Noble's modern brakes
mean The Stig can close
the gap in the Benz.

Chicago now.
Still looking evenly matched.
But then once again,

the GT40 thunders its way out,
is edging ahead.

Now they're coming into
the Hammerhead.

Here, the Noble's modern tyres
and downforce
help to make up time,

but the Ford's not giving up
that easily.

I mean, don't forget, despite
the '60s technology,

the GT40 was built
for one reason,
to excel on the track.

And it's swallowing up
our version of
the Mulsanne Straight there.

As they go through
the tyre wall

they are absolutely
neck-and-neck.

Forty years
separates these cars,

but in the final sequence
of bends,
there's nothing in it at all!

And there's the finish.

In fact, the stopwatch showed

that the GT40 won it
by 0.6 of a second.

So...

So...

That is one win for
the road cars and one win
for the racers.

Right. So we're gonna have
a decider, and from
the historic stable,

we have this,
the original Audi Quattro.

Now, this is the car
that won the World Rally
Championship in 1983,

and it kicked off that whole
four-wheel drive revolution
in rallying thing.

And this is one of
the road-going monsters
that it spawned,

this is the Mitsubishi Evo 8,
the 340, okay?

Any thoughts, anyone?

Who thinks the Evo? Hands up.

And who thinks the Quattro?

That is about 50-50.

So, play the tape.

The figures suggest
this will be a walkover.

The Audi has 20 more
horsepower and is a third
of a tonne lighter.

And to be honest,
1983 isn't that long ago.

Now, I know the Evo's
a Pentium processor
with wheels,

but it's hard to see
how it can win this.

Although, that said, I have to
say, through the Hammerhead,
it is actually edging ahead.

The Audi is obviously
suffering 'cause its engine is
slung ahead of the front axle,

which causes
massive under-steer,

or perhaps it's the weight
of all those lights
slowing it down.

Whatever the reason,
it's the Evo with the carpets
and the warranty

that's going to win this!
I cannot believe it!

As they come into
the last corner...

It's actually won!

(APPLAUSE)

I'm stunned.

The Evo won that
by 1.5 seconds,

which means it's two
to the showroom cars
and only one to the racers.

I think that's remarkable.

It is astonishing because
if you think about it,
not that long ago,

people were travelling
hundreds of miles to stand up
in a wood, all night, in Wales

just to watch one of these
go by at full chat.

And now, you can buy
a road car
which is just as fast.

Right. It's time to move on.

Now, if you've just joined us,
this is really
the ultimate race.

Because Jeremy is trying to
drive one of these Ferraris,
one like this,

from our studio here
in Guildford

all the way down to
the Lodge Hotel in Verbier,
which is in Switzerland.

And he's trying to do that
faster than James and I
can get there on a plane.

Now, when we left the action,
James and I were about here
somewhere,

and Jeremy was around here,

about 250 miles behind us,
and he'd just been stopped
for speeding.

We were feeling
pretty confident.

CLARKSON: We pick up the story
an hour later,

with James and Richard
on a train in the Alps,

and me off the motorway,
in the hills
north of Lake Lausanne.

So, now it stops being
about power and starts being
about handling,

and on that front
it's very good.

Because the engine may be
in the front but it's
behind the front wheels,

so it's actually mid-engined.

And the gearbox
is at the back for perfect
weight distribution.

This should be a riot.

-Where are you?
-He's catching up.

We're on our way towards...

Martigny.

HAMMOND:
God, you are catching up!

Lay roads had been kind to
Jeremy, and now we no longer
had jet engine power.

He was starting to
close the gap.

CLARKSON: I've got snow.

There is snow on the ground,

and I don't just love this car
any more.

I wish you could be
where I am now.

MAY: Which is better than
where we were, on the platform
at Martigny station

with an hour's wait,
and then another train
and a bus to catch.

An hour with the
Saint Bernard Express!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

HAMMOND: Look at that!
MAY: The dog train!

HAMMOND: That hour was really
killing us, because while
we were waiting for the train,

Jeremy was racking up
the miles.

-Where are you?
-North of Lake Lausanne.

You're now in Martigny,
are you?

Yes, but we're going
to be here for an hour.

Yeah, but you can spit
and you can hit Verbier!

I know.
But the next train
that we've got

is (MUMBLES)... The
Reverend W Awdry's stories.

-(JEREMY LAUGHING)
-And then we've got
a bus as well.

You've really caught up in
the last hour.

You've more than halved
the distance.

CLARKSON:
At last, the Swiss border!

So, now I shall be leaving
the EU

and automotively speaking,
at any rate,
entering the Dark Ages.

The trouble with Switzerland
is that they have

no tolerance at all of speed

and cars and pollution.

If Steve McQueen had
actually made that jump

on his bike
in The Great Escape,
into Switzerland,

they'd have arrested him
for reckless driving.

This was going to be
the final fill-up.

With the Ferrari averaging
15 miles to the gallon,

it would now be a non-stop
thrash to Verbier.

Meanwhile Richard and James
were boarding
the Saint Bernard Express

for their last train journey,
but I was seriously
catching them up.

Well, this is just
super-tense now, because

we've got another 10 minutes
or so on this train to get to,
it's on this map, Le Chable.

And then from there,
how long, it's a...

Fifteen minutes on the bus.

And then it's
a 10-minute walk.

-You do know we've got
that walk at the end?
-Yeah.

Walk.

-Now if you...
-Unless I see him,
then I will run on television.

CLARKSON:
They're only 60 miles
ahead of me now.

Only 60 miles ahead.

I've made up 140 miles.

And I haven't finished yet.

Jeremy is somewhere between
probably just behind us
and where we're going.

I mean, it's that close.

-I honestly believe
I can hear the car.
-I know.

You can hear that V12...
(MIMICS ENGINE)

Finally, we were
off the train.

Now, for the last leg,
in a bus!

Ooh, it sounds good
in a tunnel.

What am I doing?
I'm in a Swiss tunnel!

I could go to prison
for 30 years for being in
third gear in a tunnel here.

-Where is it we're going?
-Verbier.

Only 40 miles behind them!

HAMMOND:
I've got it. I've done it.

God, this is exciting.
This is exciting.

I've got the Alps,
I've got Geneva behind me.

I've got bold tunnels,
Grand Saint Bernard Pass.

It's all like a spy thriller.

And I'm in a race,
in a Ferrari!

Okay, I'm now past Montreux,
on the Lake Geneva shoreline.

# Swiss time is running out

# We knew that we would
lose the race #

Far from it, actually, because
they had to get up 12 miles
of mountain road in a bus.

And I was hunting them down
in a Ferrari.

Switching to manual,
and sport.

We're gonna need everything
this car has got to give,
and it's got a lot to give.

He's behind.
I know he's behind us!

Ten minutes
plus a little walk.

-I'm waiting to hear
the V12 wailing.
-I am, as well.

-We'll see a set of Ferrari
headlamps, and it's all over!
-Oh, c'mon.

Is it worth dying to beat
James and Richard?

No.

Is it worth dying to prove
trains are useless? Yes.

-I'm going to go
and drive the bus.
-No!

CLARKSON: This was awful.

I knew that
somewhere in the darkness,
they were just minutes ahead.

See, I don't know how
far away Verbier is,
that's my big problem.

Oh, my God. Traction control
fighting the back end there.

Look down in the valley
and any one of those
could be him.

I'm sure I'd be able spot
the front of that car
even in the dark.

-I can't believe
it's this close!
-No, I can't believe it.

Come on.
Let's see that bus.

This is the bus depot. C'mon.

Go, go, go!

God, come on... What?
How many more towns
must there be?

-Er, le lodge?
-Lodge?

-Lodge.
-Lodge.

MAY: I can't carry
this bloody thing.

No, this is Verbier.
I'm here!

HAMMOND: Hurry up!
I've got your bag!

Oh, for God's sake, Swissers,
get out the way!

Where is it?

Do you know where
the lodge is?

Which way do I go?

We need to go to the top.

That's them. No!

That's them!

MAY: No!

You've got to be kidding!

Yes!

I can't believe that!

I can't believe this.

No one is gonna...
I'm sorry, I'm not going to...

-Bye-bye!
-Just saw the keys.

Permission to say "cock"
for the second time.

I've even
abandoned me luggage.

-Guys!
-HAMMOND: Yeah, yeah.

MAY: What did I say?
HAMMOND:
I can't believe how...

No one...

-No one's gonna believe that.
-No one will believe
that was for real.

-I don't believe it.
-After 11 hours. Eleven hours.

That was astonishing.

I said, "He'll just have time
to pour himself a beer
and look smug."

HAMMOND: By the hot tub.

-CLARKSON: I have to say...
-That was spectacular.

Also, I tried to look smug,
but it's bloody freezing!

(ALL LAUGHING)

So there we are,

the best integrated public
transport system in the world,

allied to a plane
that actually arrived
at Geneva early,

was beaten by a car.

(APPLAUSE)

But do you know...
Do you know what?

-James and I were happy to
lose to a car, and what a car.
-It is a car.

I also want to make it plain,
that was for real.

I really did overtake
them on Verbier high street.

-I couldn't believe it.
-In this astonishing car.

I mean, obviously,
my abiding memory of it

-is the windscreen wiper,
here, which had a bent blade.
-Right.

Caused by a mechanic
leaning on it, and he's now
sharing his bed at night

-with a horse's head.
-That's fair. That's fair.

But once I'd tuned that out,
it's an astonishing
piece of kit.

Because on the motorway,
it's really, really quiet,
really comfortable,

then you get to
the Alpine pass,
them on their bus...

-(MIMICS A BUS)
-It was awful!

And you're just (VROOMING)
trying to catch them up.

It was fantastic.

It was a full-on,
snarling Ferrari, at that.
Brilliant thing. Brilliant.

It's difficult to know what
to compare it with.

Because you can't compare it
with the Aston Martin DB9

because this is a proper
four-seater, really,
whereas that isn't.

-Yeah, true.
-So it's closer, if anything,
to the Bentley Continental GT.

-You know, kinda big
four-seater, two-door coupe.
-Yeah. Yeah.

That's absolutely right.
This is a lot more expensive
than a Bentley.

£70,000 more
than the Bentley, in fact.

It'll depreciate like a stone
because all four-seat Ferraris
do.

-They do.
-And it's gonna
be more brittle.

But that said,
let me just say this to you,

Ryan Giggs,

Kieron Dyer,

Rio Ferdinand,
they all don't have Ferraris,

they've all bought Bentleys,
and for that reason alone,
I'd buy one of these.

Yeah.

So, the Ferrari
won the race to Verbier.

This year,
Ferrari won the Formula 1
World Championship, again.

And when we look
at our lap board,

we find that it's headed
by a Ferrari!

We thought
it'd be a good idea
to teach them a lesson.

So, look what we've got
down here.

Yes, it is
a Renault Formula 1 car.

The thing is Renault
called us up and they said,

they reckon this could
get round our track,

not in a pedestrian
one minute, 19 seconds.

They say they reckoned
it could get round
in under a minute.

This is the actual car
that Fernando Alonso used
in the last three races

of the 2004 F1 season.

But while it's ready to race,

unfortunately
it's not ready to go.

You don't just turn the key
in a car that churns out 1,500
brake horsepower per tonne.

A car that can go from 0-125
and then back to 0 again

in seven seconds.

In fact, you need a team of
16 highly qualified engineers
just to get it going.

And then you need someone
with nerves of steel
to drive it.

Sadly, Alonso was busy.

But that's okay,

because we have just
the man for the job.

Yes, this is Stig's birthday
and Christmas present

all rolled into one.

So,

let's see what he can do.

(ENGINE HUMMING)

And he's off. No Grand Prix
car can accelerate
as fast as the Renault.

So much torque in that thing,
and here's the proof.

In just six seconds,
he's up to 150 miles an hour.

Right, through
the first corner, he's
keeping it at a steady 125.

Look at that grip!

Right, now, up to Chicago.

Here we go.

Ooh, traction control
keeping the back end
in check there

as he powers down now
towards Hammerhead.

I've never seen those bumps
in a road car before.

Now, they fitted
the Monaco steering rack
for this twisty bit.

Well, it's worked,
no under-steer, no over-steer,
just a bucket-load of power.

Now, he's kicking up spray
now as he buries the throttle.

Already, he's up to 171.

Slow down a bit
for the Follow-through.

Oh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Look at that!

Final straight,
he's faster still,
183 miles an hour

as he brakes
for the second to last corner.

Over half the lap's been done
at full throttle,

but can he really
have got round in under
the magical minute?

(APPLAUSE)

Come on!

Did he?

-Well, it was greasy out there
and there were big puddles...
-Yes.

-...which did
slow him down a bit.
-Yes.

The Stig did it...

-59 seconds.
-HAMMOND: Yes!

(ALL CHEERING)

HAMMOND:
It's just unbelievable.

The thing is, though,
this is only for cars
with ashtrays

and noses that you can
get over speed bumps.

It's only for road cars,
so I'm afraid,

-Richard, if you'd like to
take that down.
-I think it should stay.

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

I'll do it, then.

I'm afraid we can't have it,
but there is some consolation.

Because you know earlier on,
we were showing you

that today's road cars
are as fast as racing cars
from 20 years ago,

well, it stands to reason
that in 20 years' time

you'll be able to go
as fast as that on the A34.

And on that cheery note,
it's time to end the show.

We're back next week,
Boxing Day, 8:30 o'clock.

But in the meantime,
have a very happy Christmas.

Good night!