All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S05E06.WEB.H264-13

JEREMY CLARKSON:
On today's show...

How fast can a blind
man get round our
track?

How much Porsche
can you buy for 1,500 quid?

And Britain's most successful
recording artist ever,

is in our
Reasonably Priced Car.

Hello, good evening
and welcome to
the original Mk1 Golf GTI.

Now this was cheap,
practical, fun

and faster than most of
the sports cars that were
around at the time.

In fact, I voted for this
as the greatest car
of the 20th century.

Over the years, however,
the Golf GTI
got bigger and fatter.

And slower.

Think of it as Elvis Presley.

It started off all athletic
and full of vigour,

and wound up on the lavatory,

an enormous, dribbling hulk.

The Mk IV GTI was
slower from naught to
60

than a
diesel-powered
Skoda Octavia.

As a result, everyone who
wanted a family car with a bit
of style and a bit of presence

went off and bought
a big, chunky off-roader.

But now, with the latest Golf,
Volkswagen say,

"The true spirit of the GTI
is back."

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

If that's true,
if this turns out to be
as good as the original,

then it will tempt people
out of their gas-guzzling X5s
and Porsche Cayennes.

And that would free up
the cities and mend the hole
in the ozone layer.

The icecaps,
the Brazilian rainforest,

our baby children,
they'd all be saved!

Quite literally then,

the future of the planet
depends entirely on
whether this car is any good.

If it is, we'll buy it.
If it isn't, we'll carry on
buying SUVs.

And the Earth will die.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

So, worthy stuff first.

You got a big boot,
folding rear seats,
lots of seat belts,

lots of air bags
and lots of space.

So if you buy it with
five doors, this £20,000 car
will take just as many people

just as easily,
as a £40,000 X5 BMW.

But unlike an X5, it doesn't
use a gallon of fuel
while you try to park,

it doesn't need
a space five miles long

and the insurance
isn't too bad either.

So what about style?
This is critical.

You see, all the little
sporting details on a GTI
should be like,

great make-up, there,
but not so as you'd notice.

I mean, look at the original.

Discreet mascara round
the back window.

The wheels, the little stripe
down the side.

And then at the front,
subtle lip gloss
around the mouth.

It's like Kelly McGillis
in Witness. Amish
and yet, somehow not.

They've pulled off
the same trick
with the new one.

It's a Golf, but because
there are so many
tiny little detailed changes,

somehow it's not.

I think it looks great.

And as a result,
it's already having an effect
on global warming.

This car is making rain,

it's nourishing crops,
it's cleaning the air,

and bringing life to
our parched and broken world.

Of course, because it's Golf,
so many air bags
and so many toys...

Look, it's even got a TV.

It weighs slightly more
than South Africa.

Actually, at 1.3 tonnes,
it weighs nearly twice as much
as the original GTI.

But don't worry,
because it has
twice the power.

This two-litre
turbo-charged engine

is an absolute peach.

There's torque everywhere,
all over the rev-band.

Thirty miles an hour,
sixth gear, foot down.

And we're off!
There isn't even
any turbo lag.

And, I have to say...

(ENGINE VROOMING)

It makes quite
a good noise, as well.

Ooh, yes!

And it shifts.

If you order it
with one of Audi's
double-clutch gearboxes,

it will get from naught to 60
in 6.9 seconds,

and onwards to a 147.

You certainly can't go this
fast in your Chelsea tractor,
that's for sure.

So, it's fast, practical
and if you avoid the
garish red paint, stylish too.

It's doing well
and it hasn't even
played its Joker yet.

I took it out yesterday
on Top Gear's secret
road test route,

and it was fabulous.

It had the puppy dog
enthusiasm that was completely
missing from the last models.

And even here, on our
soaking wet track, it feels
effervescent and alive.

Joy of joys then!

Someone has put the
fun back into the GTI.

This car does
everything you could
possibly want from a
car.

I mean, you can take the
children to school comfortably
and safely and practically.

And then after you've
dropped them off,

you can drive home
like you've sat on a wasp.

This is the kind of
unassuming car
you can leave on the street

knowing
it won't be vandalised.

And yet, you can take
it to a five-star
hotel

and the concierge
will open the door for you.

It's like the original then.

It's all things to all men.

So, if you're looking for
a sensible family car

that actually isn't sensible
at all, forget off-roaders.

Save the world.
Get one of these.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I agree, I agree.
That is a cracking car.

But if you are thinking
of getting out of a 4x4,

right now there are a lot of
hot hatchets to choose from.

There's the new
Citroen C4 VTS.

We've got the Seat Leon Cupra,
then from Renault,
there's the Megane 225.

The Mini Cooper S works,
and the, I think, fantastic
Honda Civic Type R.

Yeah, thing is though,
they're all
much of the muchness,

so what we did this morning,
was we gave them all
to The Stig,

and we asked him
to find out how fast they go
round our track.

Now, we've got the times here.

What we need to know
at this point
is where the Golf fits in.

So, we gave the GTI
to the S-T-I...G!

(ENGINE ROARING)

Away he goes and a lot of
wheel spin off the line.

-No surprise there.
There is just so much torque.
-(TYRES SQUEALING)

Okay, first
corner, how'd
it do?

Lots of tyre-squeal,
but that is looking
very, very tidy.

Oh, yes!

(UPBEAT MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)

Stig beside
himself with joy
today,

'cause he's got a track off
Cliff Richard's new album.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

That is very good,
no real understeer at all.

But, of course, this is
the test of front-wheel drive,
it's the Hammerhead.

Cocking its rear wheel,
and that's odd actually.

'Cause this GTI,
unlike the original,
which used to cock its wheel,

has independent suspension.

Okay, coming up
to the Follow Through.
He's looking quick.

Now, very quick.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

And, um...

Whoa, he's nearly off there.

That is unusual.
I've never seen The Stig
do that before.

First half, the Golf
is on a par with the
more powerful Megane
225.

Will it be able keep up?

Cutting the corner
in Gambon a little bit.

-And across the
line in... -Yes?

One minute, 33.7.

So, it's faster than
the big, powerful Renault,

faster than the Mini,
and faster than the Citroen
but not as fast as that Civic.

Yeah, I mean, can we
just get this straight then.

The Honda Civic Type R
is faster. It's the fastest.

-Oh, yes!
-Right.

-And significantly cheaper?
-Oh, much cheaper.

-Right, and you'll still say
the Golf is the best, right?
-Yes.

Because you see,
if you buy a Honda,
you end up with a Honda.

-There is that. Yes.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Whereas, if you buy
Volkswagen, you don't.

Honestly, if you take
everything into consideration,

not just
performance, but
everything,

this car is a sensation.

Back in the summer,
the producers of Top Gear
gave each of us £1,500.

They did,
which was a nice gesture.

Very nice, but then they said,
we each had to go out
and spend our money

on a Porsche.

That meant going through eBay
and auctions and so on

and buying a proper Porsche
for less than 1,500 quid.

Yes, and we've done it,

we all had to meet up
in the city of London
with our Porsches

and we'd be set
a series of challenges

to find out which one of us
had got the best deal.

Here's what happened.

This is Exchange Square
in the heart of Europe's
biggest financial district.

It's the spiritual home
of hedges, stocks, futures,
and of course, Porsches.

Though probably
not ones like
this.

It's what I bought though,
a 23-year-old 924.

The Porsche that was designed
for everyone.

I didn't spend 1,500 quid
on my 924.

I didn't even spend a grand.

750 quid for my
Porsche. 750 quid!

And the lights pop up!

I was feeling pleased until
I saw what James had bought.

(HAMMOND LAUGHING)

You've got a 944! In white!

This lady looks all right
from, like,
a really big distance.

What do you mean,
"From a distance"?

It looks all right close-up,
I think.

This has got a 2.5-litre,
four-cylinder engine.

And it had a proper
Porsche-developed engine.

Whereas, I think, your car
has the engine from a VW van.

What's His Nibs
going to have got?

Well, I'm expecting him
to have got one of those,
to be honest.

CLARKSON:
In fact, His Nibs had been
rather more ambitious.

HAMMOND: Oh, my...
(LAUGHING)
He's got a 928!

CLARKSON: Absolutely, a 928.

No everyman Porsche for me.

This one
has a 4.7-litre V8.

MAY: I thought a 944 at most.

Gentlemen, I give you
a timeless classic.

A proper Porsche.

Jeremy, you got
a 928 on our budget?

Beneath this rather
faded, ruined exterior

beats a heart
of pure arthritis.

-HAMMOND: Ha! That cannot...
-Come and have a look at this.

Come and have a look at this.

HAMMOND:
It's even full of junk!

No, no, these are
the water bottles, which are
a little bit necessary...

Ah! Got ya!

...in order to make
it, kind of, move.

Do you not think
you may have
overreached yourself a bit?

Well, I've seen one
for more than this
advertised as "Spares".

CLARKSON:
Well, I'd love to have a look
at what you've got.

-This looks
quite good actually.
-HAMMOND: From a distance.

Looks, it's...
It's been in a canal
at some point.

Hey, now!
(CLEARS THROAT)
Survey the magnificence.

CLARKSON: This one
has the van engine.

-HAMMOND:
It has a good,
simple... -Van engine.

I don't know what that is.

HAMMOND:
We got three Porsche's,
that's the thing.

We did get three Porsches.

MAY: Pretty ropey.
CLARKSON: Van.

That's scrap,
mine looks pretty good.

Let's have a look at
what the challenge is.

Can we have
an envelope, please?
Thank you very much.

-CLARKSON: Thank
you. -Ah!

"Veteran cars can make it
from London to Brighton,
but can you?"

-No.
-No. Absolutely...

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-So that's out of...
But why do it?

"Five points are lost
for each time you have to
open the bonnet en route."

Well, that's
thousands for you.

-(LAUGHING) Oh, no!
-Throw the bonnet away.

"Rendezvous on the seafront to
receive your next challenge,

"assuming you make
it... Jeremy."

-So Brighton, basically,
from here in our
Porsches. -How far is
that?

-In miles...
-CLARKSON: It's, uh, 70 miles.

MAY: I'm very confident.

Well, I'll see you in
the seaside then, chaps.

No, you won't.
But, all right, let's go!

I've got a wide range
of warning lights on already.

HAMMOND:
We are on the
way... to Brighton

in our Porsches.

CLARKSON:
This was a hugely advanced car
when it first came out.

Polyurethane bumpers.

Um... First car ever to have
passive, rear-wheel steering.

I've always, always...

Oh, my God! I've got steam.

Is Jeremy breaking down?

CLARKSON: Uh, guys,
I've got a lot of steam
coming out of the bonnet.

Did he say,
"I've got some speed"
or "I've got some steam"?

CLARKSON: No, it was
definitely steam and it was
erupting after just two miles.

Garage!

Oh, there is a God.

-Look, it won't need all this.
-No, no. Right.

Is it really coming
out the bottom?

Yeah, it's coming out faster
than you're putting it in.

Needs a bit more.

-Jeremy?
-What?

It's leaking faster
and faster now.

CLARKSON: Is there
this much water in England?

MAY: And still it goes in.

Every single fluid
is gushing out of it.

Can you go and see if
they've got any eggs, Richard?

Jeremy and Richard have
gone off inside to buy an egg,

in the hope that we can
use that old trick
of mixing the egg white

into the cooling
system, and that will
find and block...

This. This is Hammond's
contribution.

He's bought himself
a chocolate egg.

-Well, eggs work, this
is the only one I could find.
-Put it in.

Put it in,
it can't do any harm.

Fifteen litres and it's full.

-Have you seen this?
-Holy (BLEEP)!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

There's another puddle!

It's fine,
it's just a little...
Look, it's a dribble.

With all the water
from the Thames Valley
in my cooling system,

and a chocolate egg,
we were back on the road.

We're off.

Well, that was
a complete farce.

Where did this car
pass its MOT?

Iran, perhaps?

Our progress was good,
for, ooh, it must have been
another two miles

and then it was James's turn
to grind the convoy to a halt,
with a puncture.

Guys, who thought of this
was a sensible idea?

To buy three Porsches,
we've done four miles.

MAY: No, no, you could have
had a puncture in any car.

-But you didn't!
-(ALL LAUGH)

You can't open the
boot, 'cause that...

(CLARKSON SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY)

CLARKSON: Luckily, we were
able to hot-wire the remains
of the remote boot release.

MAY: Anything?

Yes!

There you go, James.

Unfortunately, the
spare was flat and
bald.

So we had to take the original
punctured tyre up the road
to get it fixed.

-Mine's working perfectly now.
-MAY: No, it's not.

It is.

-I'll race you to Brighton.
-All right.

How many points off is this?
And where's my eclair?

He only gave me two.

Unfortunately, while I was
gorging myself on chocolate,

down the road,
my car was emptying itself
of yet more fluids.

Ooh, my God!

-Is that
petrol? -Yeah.

So, it's leaking petrol
out of the back...

-Should we stand
some distance from
it? -And, uh...

There's steam coming
out of the front.

It's still leaking.

CLARKSON: That might explain
the rather poor fuel
consumption I got

coming to London last night.

And the trail of
fire following you.

CLARKSON: Happily,
the brave men of Brixton
helped us fix it.

You're a superstar.

And once again,
we were under way.

Although, a little
behind schedule.

In fact, we had set
off six hours earlier.

And we were still
in South London

and things were still
going wrong.

(LAUGHING)
What's this?

While I was laughing at James
though, my car went wrong
again.

Oh, you're not
gonna believe it.

My coolant warning
light has come on.

It's going to break.

CLARKSON: The
question we'd
asked ourselves
this morning

was whether you could
buy a decent Porsche
for less than £1,500.

The answer was
becoming obvious.

(CLARKSON AND HAMMOND LAUGH)

It's all hanging
off in the wind!

Hey, hey, hey,
that's five points!

-I'm sorry.
It's overheating again.
-How many points is that.

Well, that's
five points, then.

CLARKSON: It's boiled
15 litres of water.

My kettle couldn't
boil them in three miles.

HAMMOND: Well, this is
bigger than your kettle.

This time, we're gonna go
more than three miles without
having to stop, okay?

HAMMOND: So, this is
it, the long run.

Brighton, here we come.

We're going by Porsche power!

At last, the open
road to Brighton.

CLARKSON: Hey, I'll tell you
something interesting.

As I speak to you
now, all is well.

Yes, we were on our way.

Nothing could stop us now.

(CLATTERING)

-(ENGINE STOPS)
-HAMMOND: Once again, I see
through the traffic ahead,

what appears to be a small...
No, make that a large fire.

Oh, dear, Jeremy's car
does appear to be
genuinely broken.

(LAUGHING) It's...
I can't see anything!

CLARKSON: I've had
steam from the front,
water from underneath

and now I've got
smoke from the back.

When will I get to Brighton?

Uh, steam from the front.

Finally, seven hours and six
breakdowns after we started,
we hit the motorway.

Where, apart from
its structural weaknesses,

James's 944 was going well.

And surprisingly,
mine wasn't holding up
too badly either.

For the first time today,

I have no warning light
on the dashboard.

All is well.

Apart from, you know,
the rear window screen wiper,

and the electric window,
and the electric door mirrors,
and the stereo and the clock,

and the air conditioning,
and the speedometer,
and the milometer,

and the piston ring
that's eating the engine,

and the big smoke coming
out of the back...

Everything's fine.

Hammond's lowly 924, though,
was the star of the show.

See, I'm cruising
on the motorway...

Oh, rather taking
on the motorway

in my Porsche for 750 quid.

It's fantastic!

An hour later, we were just
outside Brighton.

And guess what's
missing from this
picture.

Probably should go back
and look for him.

That would be
the caring thing to do. But...

He wouldn't do it for me.

We're at... This is Brighton!

I mean, I knew
we'd make it, obviously.

I knew I'd get here. Yes!

Apart from losing Jeremy,
the only problem we had was
James's enormous new spoiler.

MAY: (MUMBLES)
Three, two, one...

HAMMOND: 1,500 quid Porsches,
I'm not sure.

Our rendezvous point
was the seafront,

where there was
still no sign of Clarkson.

MAY: I think
he'll still turn up.

Why don't we have a look
at the next challenge?

Work out whether or not
he's likely to be in it.

-You have our challenge, man?
Thank you very much.
-Thank you.

Okay.

"Challenge two,
it's max Porsche time.

"You must use the change
from your 1,500 budget

"to modify your car
and generally improve it.

"Reconvene
at the Top Gear base

"where an independent
adjudicator from
the Porsche Owners Club

"will judge your work."

The change,
have you got any change?
I've got a bit of change.

A bit of change, yeah.

I'm very confident Jeremy
hasn't got any change.

Oh, I really doubt it.

And speaking of the devil...

That's the fastest
your car's
been all day.

But it's still using
more fuel than mine
even sitting on there.

What have you got to
say about your car?

The bonnet hasn't been up.

Yeah, well...
Has it welded itself shut
with all the heat?

Well, apart from
the other times,
I didn't lift it.

There was such a big bang.

-You don't know about
the next challenge, do you?
-How much?

-We've already...
We've already
revealed. -Oh, yes!

-Yes!
-What is the next challenge?

Well, you gotta spend
the change from
your 1,500 quid budget...

-Yeah.
-Yeah...

And with that, you've got
to improve your car
as much as possible,

and have it judged by
an independent adjudicator

who's from the
Porsche Owners Club.

-Yup.
-So, you can spend
all of the money

from your 1,500 quid that
you didn't spend on your car,
on your car.

CLARKSON: How much
have you got left?

Um, I spent 750
quid on my car,

so I have got 750 quid
to spend on improving it.

And I spent
900 quid on my car,

which gives me
600 quid to spend
improving it.

How much did you
spend on your car?

-(MUTTERS)
1,500. -Sorry?

-1,500.
-HAMMOND: (LAUGHS)
You've got 1,500...

So you've got nothing
to spend on improving.

-It's not improving
it, it's getting it
going! -(ALL
LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

CLARKSON:
Why are they applauding?

Well, back to business.

The scores.
So, after that Brighton run,

I'd like to point out,
I didn't open my bonnet once.

So I don't lose any points.
So that's a zero in there.

James, you had
one breakdown, we agreed.

That counts, so
that's minus five for you.

Jeremy, you had seven.
So that's minus...

No, I didn't, I didn't,
I had six break...

-Six!
-BOTH: That's seven.

Look, the AA man came,
right, and I said to him,

"Don't open the bonnet
I'll lose five points."

-He was a bit
confused. -(ALL
LAUGH)

But I said that, the thing is
is that you know the 928's
got no cylinder liners,

so the broken piston ring
is going (MIMICS) just chewing
the engine to pieces.

So I said, "You're not gonna
be able to fix that at
the side of the A23, so..."

And how is that
not a breakdown, mate?

-The engine's falling
out. -Come on.

-You must... Is
that... Does that
count? -ALL: Yes!

It's a breakdown.

It's a breakdown.
As I was
saying... Minus
35.

Great start!

Right, after that,
we had to address the issue
of fuel economy.

Now the target here
was 25 miles to the gallon
on the trip to Brighton.

I did exactly
25 miles to the gallon.

So that means,
I scored no points, but
I don't lose any point either,

-more to the
point. -Yep.

-You Hammond, you
did 27 miles to the
gallon. -Right.

-Which gives you plus
10 points, two mpg
over... -Oh, yes, yes!

-That's good.
-Uh, Jeremy,
you did seven.

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-No, no!

Again, no, I put the petrol
into the tank,
it went straight out.

It didn't go anywhere
near the engine.

And it didn't go back
in the pump either.
It went into your car!

-Come on! You're not gonna...
It's not seven...
-Well, this is pathetic!

-AUDIENCE: No!
-Thank you. So, as we
were saying, minus 90.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Minus...
Oh, for God's sake!
-HAMMOND: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, anyway, we have a chance,
when we came back,

I had the chance
to make up some ground.

Because, um, we were
given another challenge,
which I have here.

Let me read
it out for you, okay?

"The reason why middle-aged
men such as you", that would
be us, "buy Porsches

"is because they're
having a midlife crisis.

"Each of you must place an ad
in a lonely hearts column

"and you'll refer to the car
you've bought.

"Five points for each reply."

So, James...

Why don't you read out your
advertisement that you placed,
genuinely, in wherever it was.

"41-year-old man
with sensitive hair..."

(ALL LAUGHING)

"41-year-old man
with sensitive hair,
drives Porsche 944 Lux,

"seeks brewery
heiress or similar,

"must have liberal attitude
to motorcycle components
in the bath."

-And how many
replies did you get?
-Well, three, actually.

Three replies,
so that's 15 points.

-Okay, there you go.
-Okay. Uh, Hammond?

Uh, well, my advert
went like this.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
"Porsche 924 owner..."
Got it in first.

"...Good-looking,
mild-mannered, snappy dresser,
5'11", would like to..."

-CLARKSON: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
-(ALL LAUGH)

-5'11"?
-Mild-mannered?

It's a lonely hearts ad.
If I put "angry, short bloke,"
I won't get any replies.

Big it up, talk it up.

-So how many
replies did you
get? -None.

(ALL LAUGHING)

So that would be
a big, fat naught for you.

-What about
you? -My ad.

Uh, "Porsche 928 driver,
that's the V8 one,

-"Tall..."
-Did you actually put
"That's the V8 one"?

-Yeah, look, there.
"That's the V8 one".
-That's the one. Okay.

"Tall, slim hips,
likes books with speedboats
on the cover,

"would like to meet someone
for friendship. Maybe more."

Can I just point out...
Do you know
where he put that advert?

He put that ad in the
"Men Seeking Men" column.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Frankly,
a moment of genius that,

'cause I recognised that men
would like the V8 thing.

-But did they?
-Yeah. I got two replies.

So, look!
Plus 10 for me!

Okay, right.
We have to move on now.

We'll come back to
the Porsche film later on.

But now,
time to meet a guest.

He is basically
a national institution.

And like Kylie and Elvis,
he is known by
his first name alone.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Harry Webb!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

How are you?

Nice to see you.

-Have a seat.
-Thank you.

Hello. Hi!

Wow.

This is stunning
'cause up-close, you're even
younger than you are

-from far
away! -No!

I'd better get closer...
If I look younger.

This is unbelievable.
Have you ever seen...
How old are you now?

-Uh, 44.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

That's kind of a lie.
You a pensioner yet?

-Did you make pension wage?
-I think I got my bus pass,

and I think I could actually
collect heating allowance.

-Heating
allowance?
-Yes.

Yeah, but that's not gonna
be necessary because...

Well, that's no good to me.
How can you heat
eight houses with?

With £100 a week?
No, it's 100, £100.
What is it?

-You look like the sort of...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT SPEAKING)

-It's £109.
£109 a what? A
minute? -A week.

A week?

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

But things are going very well
for you because I've been
doing some checking up

-and as it turns
out... -Yeah.

Your Christmas calendar
is outselling David Beckham's.

-What, again?
-(ALL LAUGHING)

That's stunning!
I find that amazing!

'Cause what's the great
statistic of yours, which is
you've had a number one

-in the '50s, '60s, '70s,
'80s and '90s.
-Yes.

The Noughties
is gonna be really difficult.

The competition
is much greater.

There's less help.
You have to do
all the work yourself.

I work harder now
as a 44-year-old
than I did when I was 18.

Promoting an album and things,
it's really difficult.

You have to go from one...
From pillar to post every day,
all day till Christmas.

Get on one of those
X Factor shows.

Bish, bash, bosh.
Job done, number one.

And then into the
jungle and...

(ALL LAUGHING)

-And then back out again.
-Jeremy, would you
do the jungle?

Are you allowed to take
a luxury in there?

You will not say...
I'd take gaffer tape to shut
Janet Street-Porter.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-(TALKING
INDISTINCTLY) -(ALL
CHEERING)

"Shut up!"

Anyway, when you began,
of course you were
the kind of British Elvis.

And this was reflected
I guess in the cars
that you were buying.

'Cause you went for
American stuff, didn't you?

Yes, it wasn't just
Elvis. The whole American
scene, you know...

The rock and roll
was car-driving music.

You know, Chuck Berry wrote...

* No particular
place to go... *

And it was all...
The cars were the romantic
image of rock and roll.

So, yeah.
The first car I ever had
was a Sunbeam Alpine,

which was a really nice,
top off and all that.

But then my next car
was a Cadillac Fleetwood.

And then the one after that
was a Ford Thunderbird,
then a Corvette Stingray.

And I went for that
American look,
and when you think about it...

Can you imagine pulling
up alongside a Ford Anglia
in a Cadillac?

-It was three times longer.
-Mmm-hmm.

I must've been...
I must've looked like
a real flash berk.

(LAUGHING)

But I didn't care.
It was rock and roll.

You could've had a Zephyr.

Well, they were
the British rock and roll car,
I have to say,

but I had no
desire for that.

I really went for the comfort.

I mean, the Cadillac
funnily enough,
the Cadillac still...

The engine motored
really well.

But a chrome,
I could hear chrome
falling off.

(MIMICS CLATTERING)
"Oh, there goes the bumper!"

-Yeah.
-They do... They had
a built-in obsolescence.

I guess because
they were relatively cheap
when you think about it.

-In America,
particularly. -Well, they
were. They still are.

I mean, American cars
now, you know,
they're only £3.50.

And then you start
the engine for the first time,
you find out why.

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-It just all disintegrated!

Now, can I bring this up?

You see,
you're a Christian
man, we know this.

Now, James May

has this theory that if you
drive in a Christian fashion
through London,

you go just as fast
as people like me,

-who drive like
our hair's on
fire. -(LAUGHS)

Would you subscribe to that?
If you let people
out of side turnings...

I would. I think that
sometimes when people
see that you let people out,

you get let through yourself.

And then miraculously
you get to the M25

and, oh, my goodness,
it's clear. Thank you!

-You see, I don't do
that. -(LAUGHS)

I just shout at the
person in front, flash my
lights until they pull
over.

"Get out of the way, old bag!"
Not you.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Get out of the way,
for crying out loud!

On the whole, (CHUCKLES)

with the traffic
the way it is, it seems to me
that if you can...

-If you gain two
minutes you're lucky.
-Yeah.

No matter
how you drive really.

I've got a very difficult road
to come out of,
my estate that I live in.

I come out
to a fairly main road.

And usually,
like a week before Christmas,
people slow down to go...

They go like that.
And so, I've often gone...

It's so difficult to believe
that they actually
let you out.

-But at Christmastime people
do become rather nice.
-Really?

-Oh, yeah.
-Hmm... Then again,

-500 horsepower,
get out of the way!
-(LAUGHING)

Speaking of this estate,
that you live in...

-It's St George's
Hill, isn't it?
-Yeah.

Which is in Weybridge.

Now, I'm guessing
that you've got kind of
monogrammed electric gates.

-Am I right?
-(STUTTERING)

-'Cause mine just break
all the time.
-Don't buy cheap gates!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-That is a good theory
'cause...
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

That's a good theory.

Mine were made in France
and only one opens.

So I can only go home
in like, really narrow cars,

to sneak through
the one gate that opens.

Mine's been really
good actually.

Obviously, you have to
have them serviced regularly,

but they just happen to have
"C" on them by chance

because the house
name begins with C.

Oh, right, yeah!
I believe that!
I absolutely believe that!

Oh, right. So, your lap.
How was it out there?

Well, do you know,
the most terrifying
part of it,

forgive me, The Stig,
was when he drove me around.

I'm looking at this
bunch of tyres
coming at me at 78 mph.

I'm thinking... (GASPS LOUDLY)

-Like this.
-(ALL LAUGHING)

And of course he knows,
he's gonna brake,
make the turn...

I think it's really hard.
We all must need
a week to practise it,

-and then drive the lap.
-Yes! That's true.

Because we do have
some footage
of one of your practices.

-(LAUGHS)
-Who'd like to see that?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Let's put it on the TV.

I know the bit
you're gonna show.

-CLARKSON:
Second to last corner again.
-(TYRES SQUEALING)

-Ooh! Like it!
-(WEBB LAUGHING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

-Very good.
-Yeah.

Ah, goodness me!

After this spin, we had, uh...

Well, we had the
lap, didn't we?

Yeah, well, I tried
a couple of times and I...

It got...
For me, it got better,
but I have to say, I...

It's a new insight
as to what I look at

when you see cars
that are racing
about 150 miles an hour.

-You're not in that, frankly.
-Not in this apparently.

The Liana...

-You're struggling to top 80
coming up that back straight.
-I know. Yes.

-Okay.
-I did 90
on that last straight.

-90!
-9...

I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.

I wanna see this lap.
Who'd like to see it?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-I think it's...
Let's put it on.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

-Good start, Cliff.
-I love that.

CLARKSON: Good start.
Would you describe
yourself as a keen driver?

SIR CLIFF: I like driving.
I'm not sure I would
like to do this forever.

You know, I find this is
really difficult. I mean...

-Driving I like.
-That's not half bad.

-CLARKSON: That's a good line
through that corner.
-Is it?

CLARKSON: Yep.

-This one... Yes.
-(TYRES SQUEALING)

Now, you see, Christian Slater
the other day, he nearly hit
the cameraman doing that.

Far too
aggressive. Now
you...

SIR CLIFF: (LAUGHING)
This is... look at...

CLARKSON: That's a look
of determination there!

Oh, yes!

Too fast through there,
that's cost you a second.

SIR CLIFF:
Now, this is the one...

This is the one
where you could
pick up the speed.

-I love that bend.
-CLARKSON:
Yeah, that's really good.

SIR CLIFF: Once The
Stig had said to me,

"Don't worry, just keep going.
Keep your foot flat down."

-There! That's the
bit... That's the bit
I loved. -CLARKSON:
Whoa!

CLARKSON:
So you do it to 90 before that
or is it...

SIR CLIFF: One of them.
I don't know whether they...

I think it was the last one
I did 90.

CLARKSON: And across the line!
There we are.

That looks like
a pretty good lap.

So...

-That was tough stuff,
I have to say.
-Where do you think?

-Where do you think
I might fit?
-Where do you think?

We've got some pretty
useless people down here.

And there we got Jimmy Carr
and Simon Cowell
sitting up there at the top.

I think probably I should be
below Wogan.

That will stop him
talking about it.

Actually he's not
the bottom one. I see the...

-No, Richard Whiteley is!
-Richard!

Richard Whiteley, where he was
blinded by his jacket!

Oh, my God. Well, I don't
think I was much faster
than that, was I? If I was...

You did it in one minute...

-...and 50
seconds. -No!

-You are well up
here. -(SCREAMS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-An exclusive club!
-Fantastic!

The same as Lionel Richie,
the same as Patrick Stewart,

same as Jamie Oliver,
same as Gordon Ramsay...

The same,
I'm ashamed to say
it, as me!

Well, I have to
say... (LAUGHS)

-What a claim to
fame. -I am thrilled.

I'm the same speed
as Cliff Richard!

What about that?

It's been an absolute pleasure
having you here.
Very well done.

-Ladies and
gentlemen, Sir
Cliff Richard!
-Thank you.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-Thank you. Thank you.

Hey! I love that!

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Now, we get loads of letters
every week from punters

saying they wanna come here
and drive round our track.

And we put them all
in the bin.

Anyhow, we got one
the other day
from a chap who said

that he could come here
and drive our Reasonably
Priced Car round the track,

faster than Richard Whiteley.

Now, Richard Whiteley,
as I'm sure you know,
is sitting at the bottom here,

so you might think,
"No big deal."

But we read on
and discovered that the chap
who'd written the letter

was blind, so obviously
we had to get him down here.
We have.

Ladies and
gentlemen, Billy
Baxter!

-(AUDIENCE
APPLAUDING) -Hi,
Billy.

-How are you, mate?
-Hello, Jeremy.

Now...

How...

How blind are you?

Well, on a scale of
1 to 10, Jeremy,
um, blind as a bat.

I can't actually see nothing.
I'm totally black blind.

If people close their eyes
tight shut, that is what
I actually see, Jeremy.

That's how blind, okay.

Now presumably,
you must have had sight
at some point in your life,

to have learned
to drive a car.

Uh, I did indeed.
I was a soldier. I served
with the British Army,

with 1 RHA
for just short of 21 years.

I lost my sight while serving
in Bosnia in 1997.

I contracted a very rare
eye disease that ate
both my optic nerves.

Well, I think
it was a very brave thing
to write to us

and say that
you could do this.

Um, okay, so we got Billy down
and we gave him some practise

with me obviously
in the passenger seat saying,

"Left a bit, right a bit,
we got a bit of a code
going between us."

So, who would like to see
the result?

-Yes?
-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Okay, let's play the tape.

(TYRE SCREECHING)

Straight. Keep it straight.
Keep it straight.
This is good.

And strike the right click.
Right click.
And straighten.

And left!

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Left, left, left, left, left.

Straighten. Good.
Good. Good. Good.

Left, left, left, left, left,
left, left, left. And right!

Right, hard.
You're in Chicago
now. So, right.

And straighten.

And go!

Okay, coming up to
the Hammerhead in about
500 yards. Right click.

Right click.

Nice. Right, right, right!

And straighten. And go!

Go, go, go!

Right!

Go left. Sorry.
And that's right, my fault!

You okay?

Cool! I'm not! (CHUCKLES)

Right click. And left!

-Okay, you
got it?
There's the bump.
-Yeah.

Ready... Left!

No, no, right. Left.

That's nice. That is
nice. And straighten.
And left click.

Last corner. Doing
good. And left!

And you're across the line!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

Now...
You wanna know the time,
don't you?

I have no idea.
I think it took us
about five hours, didn't it?

It felt like five hours.

-That first corner...
-Literally, I put my life
in your hands.

-To be fair...
-(ALL LAUGHING)

The screaming worked well
in the end, didn't it?

No, it was just that.
When I said to you...
'Cause I was so relieved

-when you got round
the first corner...
-So was I!

I went... I'd gone, "Left!"
and I thought,
"All right, he's done it."

And then thought, "Oh, my God,
he's still going left!
No! Right! Right!

"The other left! Other left!"
And the tyres are
coming towards...

-Anyway, I've got your time.
-Oh, crikey.

You wanted to beat
Richard Whiteley,
two minutes six.

-Yeah.
-You did it,

-two minutes, two
seconds! -Yes!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

You've not only beaten...
You've not only beaten
Richard Whiteley,

you've beaten
Terry Wogan as well!

Wogan has been
beaten by a blind
man!

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Was it fun
from where you were?
-It was absolutely terrifying.

It's like, my driving
test but 10 times worse.

It was an amazing
experience. It just shows
what can be done.

Yeah, well, I think
you're a fantastic person.

Absolutely
brilliant! Thanks
for coming down.
Billy Baxter!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

-That was pretty remarkable.
-Absolutely Incredible. Yeah.

Anyway, we must get on
with our Porsche story.

If you weren't
watching earlier,

each of us was given
£1,500 and told to go off
and buy a Porsche.

We were then told to
drive them to Brighton.

And when we got there,
we were told we had to spend
the change

from our 1,500 quid
on doing the cars up.

Well, that was
gonna be a bit of a
problem for Jeremy,

because he'd blown
all 1,500 quid
on his rubbish 928,

and he had arrived in Brighton
on the back of a low loader,

which meant he was gonna
have to get it going
first and then do it up.

On a budget of...
Well, nothing.

Tall order!

Well, there are
three shapes there

so presumably
Jeremy's car made it

but let's start by seeing
what changes James has made.

It looks exactly the same.

-Is this putty?
-No, it's bathroom sealant.

(LAUGHING)

-HAMMOND:
Look at the door handle.
-I can't open it!

It's an old cabinet!
(LAUGHING)

MAY: I'd run out of money!

MAY: Okay, so the interior
was a Homebase bodge job,

but my secret weapon
was the gleaming condition
of my engine bay.

-How did you clean
it? -With a man.

He's just spent his money
on a man.

You think that the
Porsche judge man coming
down

is just gonna be interested
in concourse, aren't you?

-Yeah.
-I'd forgotten it was
a Porsche judge.

You'll be down
at the old Pringle, probably.

I've been thinking ahead,
here.

-Right.
-You haven't done that.

MAY: In fact Hammond had given
his 924 sporting credentials
it didn't deserve.

-(BOTH LAUGHING)
-Look at that!

-It's the flames!
-I did those with a bit a help
from an art college friend.

You see, they're the
Golf racing colours.

I've just seen the gear knob.

HAMMOND: Yes.
That's quite a nice addition,
I like that.

Can I just explain?
I spent my money in
the pursuit of performance

so it's been
lowered, it's on new
springs, new
suspension.

It's on
lower profile tyres.
It's a track car!

-James!
-HAMMOND: Well...

MAY: Oh, no.
HAMMOND: I found it...

CLARKSON: You put
a turbo on it!

HAMMOND: Not actually, no.
CLARKSON: Is this the turbo?

No, that's the... No, no.
None of those are the turbos.

-Well, well done.
-MAY: Good job
you fitted the air intake.

MAY:
Right. Let's see what Jeremy
has achieved with no money.

-(LAUGHING) Blackboard paint?
-Jeremy, you clot.

You're supposed to
put the underseal
on the bottom of the car.

-You know those old Capris?
The black bonnets?
-That's what I was going for.

-I thought I'd
copy it. -Right.

Only I went over a bit,
so I just kept going.

HAMMOND: Whereas this looks
much better, obviously!

-How many cylinders
has it got these days?
-Six and three-quarters.

HAMMOND: I'm less worried
having seen yours.

CLARKSON:
But laughing at each other
was not a scientific measure.

Our efforts had to be judged
by the chairman of the judges
of the famously fastidious,

Porsche Owners Club
of Great Britain.

-MAN: Good morning, gentlemen.
-May. M-A-Y.

M-A-Y.

-And the
registration,
please, Mr May. -I
don't know.

Could you open the tailgate
for me? Is it possible?

I'll have a go.

Don't break it!

The original door pull
was missing from the car,

and it's a very, very
difficult component
to get a hold of these days,

so I substituted
the kitchen unit drop handle.

And that, as you can see
from the shape
is the rear windscreen wiper.

Hmm. It's just that it all
looks like Tipp-Ex to me.

Yeah that's...
Well, I think
that's because it is Tipp-Ex.

Oh, really?

CLARKSON: And now
for the big moment.

Come and see this, gentlemen.

CLARKSON:
James' sparkling engine bay.

MAN: All original fittings?

All original,
simply cleaned and polished.

No fancy tricks, just...

-Elbow grease.
-That's what we like to see.

(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

I'm a bit worried about
the originality of the colour.

No, it's not
an original colour.

Have you seen
the Blackbird, the SR-71?

Yes. Yup.
There you go!

So not original, better!

Could we just have a peak?
Can you just flick the bonnet
up for us? Thanks.

There you go.

-Ah! Yes, that's... Yeah.
-That's rather vulgar.

I think bling.

Really can't give you
any points for the seats.

But you can't
knock many off,

because there's nothing
wrong with
if they're not there.

True.

Original stickers.

-Yes, they are.
-They are real.

-Are they?
-One point for that then.

Right.

-Probably
the most
valuable bit...
-Yes.

...of the car.

That's not real, obviously.

-MAN: What does that
do? -Nothing.

CLARKSON: While the judges
retired to do their scoring,

we dived into
the next challenge.

"All your cars have
a sporting pedigree.

"Each Porsche
must set a lap time
in the hands of The Stig.

"You will gain a point
for every second
under one minute, 35,

"lose a point
for every second over.

-(ENGINE STALLING)
-(HAMMOND SNORTS)

-(ENGINE STARTS)
-There, it started.
See the black smoke.

HAMMOND:
Look at all the smoke!

That is just mist
on a lovely, lovely morning.
There's a little bit of mist.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

Look at that! No!

It's gassing
everything down
there.

-It's stopping.
-It's not stopping.

It's going round the corner,
James.

-Look at it, look at it.
-MAY: Smoked during
the braking as well.

CLARKSON:
Let's just ease back a bit.

HAMMOND: More than that!

-HAMMOND: More than that!
-Oh-ho-ho!

CLARKSON: What was the time?
What was the time?
HAMMOND: 1:45.

What a machine,
what a machine.

-MAY: What a stink.
-Let's see
what yours can do then!

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Those second-hand tyres
are really holding!

It's already
several seconds ahead.

CLARKSON:
I wonder if James's grout
will hold as he hits...

HAMMOND:
That's a very good point!

CLARKSON: Little bit of
smoke there, James!

It was what?

Yeah. Well, it was lighter.
You only had
two cylinders less,

-so it's gonna be
bit lighter one.
-So it did it?

-1:43.
-1:43. That's faster
than Jeremy's. (LAUGHS)

-It was only two seconds!
-(ENGINE REVVING)

This is kind of
everything for me.

-It is.
You need this to work.
-MAN: Three, two...

The wheels are smaller
because I've put it on
lower profile tyres, so the...

CLARKSON: Yeah, you have
better acceleration.

HAMMOND: Exactly,
better acceleration.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

It was making a bit
of a grinding noise
as it set off.

HAMMOND: Well, now, there is
a wheel-bearing issue.

And I had a choice,
replace the wheel bearing
or do the suspension,

so the wheel may come off.

CLARKSON:
The wheel may come off
and kill The Stig.

-So?
-MAY: Oh, he looks good.

-All of that
effort... -Yes.

All of those
low-profile tyres...

Yes.

Slower than his.

Yes, but if
I'd left it
standard,

it would've been a lot
slower than a 944!

(HAMMOND AND
CLARKSON LAUGHING)

It's not funny!

All he had
was a clean engine!

-MAY: Have you
finished? -Yep, that'll
do.

MAY: Now, get your
hand off me bonnet.

(LAUGHING)

The next challenge
is called "Elevenses."

"Each driver must use his
Porsche to see who can create

"the longest number 11
skid mark on the track."

-This should be a well-oiled
attempt, this.
-Yeah.

There's no shortage of
oil under the bonnet.

-(LAUGHING)
-Right, let's see
what he does then.

Okay, James!

(TYRES SQUEALING)

-Not bad.
-Actually, it isn't.

It isn't bad, I know.
He did quite well there.

Hang on, the tape
measure. Grab this.

-(CLEARS THROAT)
-Should I go down?

HAMMOND: I've never seen him
do anything that lairy!

-That is 31 feet.
-Not bad.

Don't tell him that.
Yeah, you did about
four inches, mate.

-Well done.
-Did you get that?

-That's four inches?
-MAY: That's quite good.

Yeah. That was me
the other day in a Bentley.

Go!

(TYRES SQUEALING)

CLARKSON: Amazing.

MAY: All right.
Give me the end.

It is 35 feet,
he's beaten you.

It can do something!

However, my V6
and three-quarters
is coming now.

To be honest...

To be brutally honest,
my car with its V6
and three-quarter engine

and an automatic gearbox,
can't do smoking starts.

So I'll have to be ingenious.

The life remaining in that car
can now
be calculated in yards.

Yeah, right.
Three, two, one...
Let her rip.

(BOTH LAUGH)

He's just driven away!

MAY: Let's give him an inch.
HAMMOND: Okay, it's an inch.

-Guys...
-That's an inch.

-Yeah?
-That wasn't my best start.

(BOTH TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

I've had a great
idea. Stand back.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Imagine what he was
like as a child!

If you were from the region
of China just near Tibet...

And you're a mile in the sky!

...you'd look and you go,
(IN ASIAN ACCENT)
"Oh, someone write 11!"

This is all just rubbish!
That's not an 11, is it?

...39, 40, 41, 42 yards!

HAMMOND: The judges
would have to decide on
Jeremy's Asian number 11,

but in the meantime,
we had our final challenge
to think about.

"We hope you enjoyed
owning your Porsches."

(CHUCKLING)
"Each of you must
now sell your cars,

"and points
will be awarded

"for the money you make
over the £1,500
you originally spent."

That's not in good shape.

Yours isn't in good shape.

-Mine's got my name on it.
-But we're better off.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I've got my name on it.

I'm gonna have to find
a short bloke called
Richard Hammond

who wants a car
with no carpet.

-Who's going to
buy it from me?
-Nobody!

Right. Now, the scores.
The scores. Here we go.

So after all of that,
after the elevenses

and his Tibetan
squiggle was
disqualified, no points
there.

-Predictable.
-This is where we stand
with the scores.

James and I are separated
by just two points
on 27 and 29.

Then there's a bit of a gap.

(ALL LAUGHING)

He's struggling! Minus 122!

Everything to play for here.

And really it kinda depends
on how much we got
when we sold the cars.

So, James, how much did you
sell your 944 for?

-£1,400!
-Well done.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

So you lost £100 so
that's 100 points off
there.

So that puts you on minus 73.

CLARKSON: Minus 73,
so what about you?

-Aah!
-(ALL LAUGHING)

I haven't really...
I haven't sold it.

-Haven't or couldn't?
-Bit of both, I suspect.

Nobody would buy it
from you, so...

Well, the point is, I think
I'm about to lose
1,500 points.

(ALL LAUGHING)

So that's not good.

-CLARKSON: Oh, I'm sweating.
-1,500...

-So that's minus 1,471.
-This a great moment.

I think that means
I'm probably out of
it. (LAUGHS)

Well, no.

The only consolation
is you're coming second.

I sold mine for £1,800!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Nobody bought
that heap of junk!

I'm sorry,
I don't believe you.

I'm the winner,
thanks to my genius.

Because I realised
I couldn't actually
sell the car as a car

'cause technically it sort of
wasn't any more,

-so I sold it in
bits. -What?

I sold it as spares.
I got £1,200 for the
wings and the doors.

And I was a bit short
so what I did...

What I did... Well, you're not
gonna believe it, okay?

-Are you ready for this?
Ready?
-Yes.

And I've sold these already
at a pre-sale, 600 quid.

Look!

You've turned your car...
You've turned your car
into a living room!

-Yes!
-What?

-Oh, no!
-The engine.

My engine, my ruined engine,
is now a coffee table.

The seats,
which are nice and kitsch.

I've mounted, I've turned them
kind of into chairs

and I've left the electric
motors in there, so...

-I can slide backwards
and forwards.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Took them down the
market, bloke gave me 600
quid, for the lot.

-I am gutted.
-You bet you are.

And so on that bombshell of me
coming up from behind,

we have to end.

Now, next week, unfortunately
some sportsmen are pretending
they've got personality

so we're going
out at 7:00.

We'll see you then.
Good night!