All language subtitles for Top Gear - S05E08.eng

On tonight's show,
it's all about challenges.

Which can get down
a mountain the fastest,

a rally car or a bobsleigh?

Are modern showroom cars faster
than racing cars from not that long ago?

And can a Formula 1 Renault get
around our track in less than a minute?

Hello. We start tonight with
the biggest challenge of them all,

because the skiing season
has just begun.

So round about now, thousands
of people will be thinking,

"What's the best way
of getting to the Alps?"

Obviously, a car is cheaper and
more practical, but a plane is faster.

Or is it?

You see, he reckoned that he could drive
a car from our studio here, in Guildford,

to here, Verbier
in Switzerland,

that's a car, faster than James
and I could get there on a plane.

You see, the thing is,
the precedent has been set,

because earlier in the year
I drove an Aston Martin DB9,

uh, from here to Monte Carlo faster
than James and Richard got there

on those new 200-mile
an hour trains.

Yes, yes. But a plane
will do 500 miles an hour.

Exactly, so, he and James accepted
the challenge, and this is what happened.

Hello. It's 5:30 on a cold
and frosty December morning.

Yes, that is perfectly simple,
just like last time,

public transport
for James and me.

So, we're using a combination of buses,
coaches and trains to get to Heathrow,

then Airbus from Heathrow to Geneva
and from Geneva to Verbier, a train.

And I don't care what he turns up
in this time, he's not going to win.

Ah, hang on.

That sounds like 12 cylinders.

That's a Ferrari.

- It's a 612 Scaglietti.
- That's the new one.

Morning, chaps.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Jeremy, am I right in thinking 540
brake horsepower in one of those?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

And it's freezing cold and
everything's covered in ice.

- Yes, but it doesn't matter.
- I've got the heater set just so.

Um, so I'll see you Verbier.

Um, I'll keep the cheese warm.

Okay, thank you. Whatever.

Bye.

- I think we'll see him in casualty, actually.
- Mmm.

Heater sounds nice,
though, doesn't it?

Yes! Yes, it does sound good.

How do you carry these things?
Is there a proper way of doing it?

My route couldn't be simpler, to be
honest. It's Dover, SeaCat, Calais, Dijon,

left a bit, mountainy bit,
Verbier.

Job done.

Cheese fondue, bed.
And then the others arrive.

Well, that's an hour gone.

- How far have we come?
- About a mile.

So that's one mile
an hour, then?

Yes.

Like the DB9 that I used
in the race to Monte Carlo,

this is a big, six-litre,
V12 GT car, a grand tourer.

It was designed and built to do exactly
this sort of transcontinental thrash.

You just put petrol
in the front

and the miles spew
effortlessly out of the bag.

Meanwhile, we were at Guildford
Station, getting our skis stuck.

Right, the A20. I've got
half a mile to catch my boat.

Twenty-eight minutes to get to
Dover, get through passport control,

get through Immigration,
go on the boat.

And while Jeremy
was racing towards the SeaCat,

we were trying to find
our coach to Heathrow.

Hi. Does this go to Heathrow?

We've just got to suffer this...
Suffer this bit of the journey,

and then when we get
on the plane, he's had it.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

- How are you?
- Well, thanks, how are you?

Good. Fine, thank you. Just
going through security check?

- Yep.
- Is this your vehicle?

Do you know what?
It isn't. No.

As dawn broke,

I had my first chance to see
the £180,000, 612.

I must say, it's far from the
prettiest Ferrari ever made.

But it does have four seats,
it has a boot for skis

and its nose isn't so low
that you scrape it off

on the ramps,
getting onto the boat.

Things were going well.

While I was hurtling
across the Channel,

the boys were still trundling
along in the coach to Heathrow.

Well, there we are,
28,000 horsepower,

36 miles an hour.
Thirty-six!

I'm going to have
some bacon and eggs.

By 9:00 a.m., Richard and James
had only got as far as the airport,

while on the other side of the
Channel, I was already disembarking.

And now they had to face the biggest
horror of the modern transport age...

Check-in.

. Sorry. Sorry.

We're going to Geneva.
Hammond and May.

- Can I have your passports, please?
- Yes, hold on.

What? Do you not get
turned away with that?

Sorry, we're very childish.
Thank you very much.

But while our jetsetters
were wasting precious minutes

with their check-in misery,

I was suffering
another kind of torture.

Something is really
buzzing in this car.

And it gets worse if you go
faster. What is that noise?

Stop buzzing!

That's going to drive me mad!

Hello!

- Is your flight leaving on time?
- Yes, it is.

What? I can't hear you
with all the rattling.

It is... It is leaving on...

God, that rattle is
unbelievable! What is that noise?

Hello?

Hello?

Maybe he's crashed.

No, I had not crashed.

I was thinking a little bit more
about the car I was driving.

Coming down on the
French autoroute in the Aston,

earlier in the year,
I felt like a gentleman.

In this,
I feel like a playboy.

That's the difference.

It's a playboy's car, this.

If I was a real playboy, of course,
I'd have shot the dashboard by now.

After piling our way through
check-in and passport control,

we had to walk
nine miles to Gate 432

and James, as ever, was
refusing to run on television.

We actually do have to run
this time because the gates shut

and they will go without us,
'cause it's an aeroplane.

Tell you what, though,
it is awfully fast.

I mean, the Aston, right,
that had 460 brake horsepower.

This has 540.

We actually have to run.

Naught to 60, four seconds.

Top speed, 199.

If I was allowed
to max this thing,

I could be in Verbier
in two hours.

Mind you, I was about to get
a lesson in real speed

because,
after a 90-minute check-in,

James and Richard
were finally on their way,

and they were whittling
into my lead

because in France,
I'd covered just 100 miles.

Hundred miles
isn't really far enough.

How much power did Jeremy
reckon that big Fezza had?

540 brake horsepower.

'Cause it does occur to me

that we've essentially got the
whole Rolls-Royce engine each.

- Yeah.
- Haven't we?

- Yeah. That's mine. That's yours over there.
- Yeah.

Look, he's belting along the
motorway with his awful CDs on.

Oh, I didn't tell you this. He's
developed a terrible rattle.

What has, Jeremy?

Stop buzzing!

- Well, he says it's the car. Could be his hip.
- Oh.

Don't tell me, it's at
motorway cruising speed.

Do you know? It is!

Now, at this point, I'd like to tell you
about the noise made by this phenomenal car,

but the noise it's making at the
moment is Breakfast At Tiffany's

because that's what I'm using to
drown out the sound of the rattle.

There. Just had a look at the fuel
gauge and it seems we need some, so...

I'm going to give it the best,
98, see if that stops it rattling.

Um, hello,
how fast are we going?

We're actually travelling
at 550 miles an hour today.

Crikey! That's fast.

He's not doing that,
even in a Ferrari.

Come on! Come on!

I wonder how much
this aeroplane actually costs.

I've no idea.

- Sorry to bother you again.
- That's no problem.

- How much is this aeroplane worth?
- £50 million.

- £50 million.
- That's more than a Ferrari, for instance.

- That's quite a lot more.
- Yes.

I've no backache, the
engine's quiet, the ride's good.

Good GT car.

And I've got one filling station further
than I did in the DB9, interestingly.

Mind you, it has got
a bigger tank.

I wonder
how high this is flying.

If it weren't cloudy, we'd be
able to see them screaming by.

When the aeroplane landed at
Geneva Airport, I was way behind,

still well north of Dijon.

I was so far behind, in fact, that I
figured it wouldn't make much difference

if I pulled over and tried to fix what I'd
discovered was the cause of the buzz.

It was the wipers.

Right, let's see if my new
gaffer-taped-up windscreen wipers

will stop the buzzing noise.

Here we go.

Out of auto.

No.

Don't tell me
you're already in Geneva.

We're already in Geneva,
but, so far, our skis aren't.

Yes, they are. They've just
come out of the little chute thing.

Sorry, I'll have to go.

See you tonight.

Things were going well
for them,

but they weren't going well
for me.

Now I've got a big problem 'cause
I've taped my wipers up and it's raining!

Oh, sh...

Yes, now, you see,
that was a bad plan.

Here's a tip. If you've got a Ferrari
612, don't tape your wipers up

'cause...

you're going to break them.

Meanwhile, we had only five
minutes to catch our train connection.

And as ever...

We don't have to run.

- No, you see, we do.
- No, we don't. It's five minutes away.

Running is faster than
walking. It's just a fact.

Not really.

If I get on the train
and you miss it, that's tough.

I'm about
250 miles north of Geneva,

so they're 250 miles ahead
at this point.

Yes, I'm beginning to think
that actually...

I can't really win this.

And James and Richard were
about to unleash the weapon

most feared by the car.

Swiss public transport!
It is never ever late.

And then,
to make matters worse...

Hamster, just so you know,
I'm in a contraflow.

Oh, that's poor. Where?

- Ile de France.
- Okay.

And it's now 2:00,
five past two.

I'm probably two hours
from Switzerland.

Happy losing, and
we'll talk to you later on.

He's had it.

Beating a train
in the Aston was easy.

That's 21st-century engineering
up against a Victorian relic.

But to beat a plane, that was
beginning to look like an impossibility,

even for a car
as good as the 612.

It's funny, this morning
when I got into this car,

I was tired, I didn't like
the look of it very much,

thought it was a bit boring,
then the rattle started,

but I'm starting to see
and feel that Ferrari magic.

That sense of
limitless power,

huge speed.

Last time he was here, he
was going, "France is so good,

- "The police, they just want you to go faster."
- Um, yeah.

"Monsieur, please carry on.
You are famous Mr Clarkson!"

Hammond,
guess who I'm talking to!

He's talking to a policeman!

I was fined £60, but more
importantly, I lost 25 minutes.

The race really was
beginning to look like it was lost.

Jeremy, I would calculate,
is somewhere around here,

at the side of the road,
talking to a gendarme.

Within a few hours' time, he'll be
up here at a place called Le Bastille.

Okay. Um, we'll pick that up later on.
But for now, we must do The News.

- How fast were you going?
- I strayed slightly over the speed limit.

Strayed?
And I was caught, and they dealt with me

efficiently and corteously as befits
a civilised nation, like France is.

No. France is a country you drive through
to get to Italy. That's all it's for.

- They're not gonna like it.
- Look, the fact of the matter is

- they've got better cheese, better wine...
- They haven't got better cheese!

They are a bunch of treacherous,
land-burning, workshy peasants.

Have you seen this? This bridge?
What country is it in? Britain or France?

- It's in France.
- It was designed by an Englishman,

but we're so tight-fisted we wouldn't
build it here and they would!

- They're better than us.
- No, they're rude!

I promised the policeman I'd say that.
Otherwise he'd put me in The Bastille!

Now, I wanna stick if I may, with the
speeding issue. You know Richard Brunstrom,

- chief constable of North Wales?
- Oh yes.

Here's a picture of him. The Sun calls him
"The Mad Mullah of the Traffic Taliban".

He made a speech the other day to the
Institute of Advanced Motorists, the...

Ok, now I've got a copy here of the speech,
and I'd like to share it with you.

He said every one of us can think of a
"barmy" speed limit. Utterly bonkers.

And if you think it's bonkers, you won't
comply with it. A voice of reason!

We need credible speed limits in the
public mind! We need to have a reform

of every speed limit in the country!
Richard, welcome to our world!

We should get him down and baptise him with
petrol from an Impreza's fuel tank.

- Join us!
- Into the petrolhead world, welcome!

Now, big news. We've had the results of
X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing,

now it's time for Restoration Ripoff.
Over the series, there's been broken cars.

And then we gave you the chance to vote.
We have had SOME phone calls on this.

- And we have the results. James.
- Well, in reverse order,

in 5th place is James Dean's Lotus.
In 4th place is the Probe.

And then in 3rd place, this surprised me,

is Princess Diana's Range Rover.

That leaves it down to Keith Moon's
Chrysler and Paddy Hopkirk's Mini.

And the winner is...

The Mini!

So, while we're off air, we're gonna
restore that Mini

and when we come back in the Spring,
it'll be all shiny and lovely.

And I'd just like a big thank you actually,
because the Probe could have bankrupted us!

As it is the Mini, we could pocket the
£40 we made from the phone calls, and...

Do it ourselves!

Do it over a week-end.

At Christmas time, very few new cars
kicking around this time of year.

But there one or two we thought
we'd share with you.

Yes, we have the BMW M6, because we
thought the new 6-series was a bit boring.

- Which has a 5-litre V10, 507bhp, 0-60 in 4.6 seconds.
- Want one!

- £70,000.
- Want one of those! Want one badly!

Now, last week we said we voted the
Vauxhall Monaro as the surprise of the year

the big Aussie coupé, and they've surprised
us again with a 6-litre V8 version.

It's like a DB9 with corks on, okay?
But the DB9, £110,000, that is £37,000.

- I want one of those as well.
- And then, there's this,

- the new Peugeot 607. We don't want that.
- No. Appalling car. Avoid it.

- Yes.
- Summary there.

It is Christmas, we've not done any
shopping yet, but we have some ideas.

Starting with this mobile phone holder, or
as Richard Hammond calls it, a seat.

- Could put that in my Charger, that's nice.
- Perfect Hammond size.

- Honestly, though.
- Yeah.

If you've got a Ferrari or Porsche 911 and
have red brake calipers showing through

your alloy wheels to show you're a driving
God, here's a set of drink coasters.

Ooh, I quite like that.

- I think they're fantastic.
- No, those are vulgar and ridiculous.

Nope, we like those.
I'm vulgar and proud of that.

Now, F1 drivers aren't exactly underpaid.
Michael Schumacher - $80 million last year.

Which makes you wonder why he agreed to be
paid about £20 for this piece of tat.

- Presumably they gave him £20 and a clock.
- They put a square head on a round face.

It's why there could never be a David
Coulthard clock,

because it would all just swell out
here with his jawline.

Talking of F1 racing drivers who don't
need the money, check this out -

This is a Jacques Villeneuve air freshener.

I've taken the liberty of getting one out.
You put this helmet on your dashboard,

you load it up with this, okay, then you
just tap it on the top and your car

smells of Jacques Villeneuve's helmet.

Ooh now, you know the beach? Always been no
idea if you've got an Aston or an Austin.

Not any more, thanks to this.
It's a Porsche bucket and spade!

And you even get a little
Sand Cayenne with it!

Do you know how much this is? 15 quid!

- Woah!
- 15 quid for a bucket and spade.

That's rubbish. If you're a kid,
what you need is one of these!

You see? You come out the sea,
"I'm formed! There's my Porsche..."

It's got dials in there and everything.
I think it's fabulous.

Well, it'll be alright in Sandy Lane
in Barbados, they'll all have them.

Except for the ones that have got the
Zonda one.

Was gonna say, if someone pitched
up in a Zonda...

- Have you seen that you can convert your fridge into a petrol pump?
- Yeah?

- Seen it?
- No.

- There it is.
- Why would you want that?

Don't know, but those bits stick on.
It doesn't dispense petrol...

- It's still full of mouldy...
- I've already got a decorated fridge!

It says "Emily is a wee and a poo" on it!

Anyway, I have a gift for the ladies.
Check it out! Check out the badge!

That's a Ferrari badge on my dressing gown!

So he takes you home in his Vauxhall.
Pops into the bathroom, comes out in that!

Bit of Chardonnay on...
it's even got a hood!

Look at that!

- I know I'll look good.
- How much is it?

- £50.
- Would you buy that?

- Of course he would, look at him!
- Have you got a Ferrari?

You haven't got a Ferrari?
What car have you got?

A Volkswagen Jetta.

How many Ferrari owners go around in
a Volkswagen Jetta T-shirt?

And that is the end of the news!

Now, time for our
second challenge.

And for this one,
James and I had to head north.

This is Lillehammer in Norway, the
setting for the 1994 Winter Olympics.

It's got one of the most formidable
bobsleigh runs in the world.

A downhill course of twists and turns
stretching for almost two kilometres.

Even so, a crack bobsleigh team can
get down this run in just under a minute,

with the bobsleigh itself
hitting 80 miles an hour.

That speed comes at a price
for the passengers, though,

because each member
of the bobsleigh team

is subjected to
cornering forces of 5G.

That's more
than an F1 driver suffers.

Honestly, to do this,
you'd have to be brave, stupid

or just desperate
to get on the television.

So this is where I'll be
sitting, here in the middle.

And to make things even more
arduous, we're gonna have a race.

Now, we've come to Lillehammer,
because alongside the bobsleigh run,

we have this road.

They start in the same place,

they run down the hill, and
they finish in the same place.

The road is almost exactly
the same length as the bob run.

And like the bob run, it's slippery,
dangerous and full of difficult corners.

It requires a special vehicle.

So that's what we've got.

It's a Mitsubishi Evo
World Rally Car

with a 300 horsepower,
turbo-charged engine, four-wheel drive,

and studded tyres.

So that's the challenge. Can
the rally car beat the bobsleigh?

I happen to think it can, although
Hammond tells me it definitely can't.

Now, this is my bobsleigh run, it starts
here and wiggles all the way down here

and finishes there.

And this is the road,
which is in green,

and it starts here and
wiggles all the way up there,

but finishes in
exactly the same place.

Yes, but here's the point.

My bobsleigh
can get from there,

all the way down to there,
in less than a minute.

You've had it.

But, you see, all you've got to take
you from there to there is gravity.

- Yes.
- That's nothing.

Well, I've got 300 horsepower and a huge,
huge turbocharger, and 420 spikes in each tyre

- and gravity to get down there.
- Yes, but...

But my bobsleigh was
custom-built for going on ice.

Your car has had to be sort of
adapted with clever tyres and stuff.

- You're wearing tights.
- I am.

I can't take lectures on
physics from the man in tights.

- I am aware of the tights.
- Dancing, yes.

Physics, no.

The truth is, though, the bob
is going to be hard to beat,

which kind of counts me out
for driving the car.

So instead,
we've got Henning Solberg,

the Norwegian
National Rally Champion.

One, two, three.

The bobsleigh's chance of victory
all depends on how good our start is.

That means intense preparation for me
and the Norwegian Olympic bobsleigh team.

And while we practise running, the
driver visualises the course in his head.

All this provided much
merriment for the bone idle May.

- Are you warming up?
- Yes.

I'm warming up as well.

To be honest, I couldn't
see the funny side of it

because I was really worried
about letting the team down.

Any time you lose here, a second
is multiplied by three at the bottom.

So, that would be
three seconds.

And I was also worried about
whether my body would cope.

Key thing is,
as you go into the corners,

to hold your breath, to get
as much breath in as you can

'cause that actually
holds your body up.

It literally supports you when you're
being subjected to G-forces in the corners.

Apparently in a couple of places
down there, it hits six-and-a-half G.

Driver told me
he's been doing this six years

and he's three centimetres
shorter.

I can't afford to lose
three centimetres.

James was strapped in
and I was ready to run.

Our race rally driver could
hardly speak any English.

But that didn't stop James giving
him a patronising British pep talk.

Righto, Henning, it's the
reputation of internal combustion

resting on your shoulders
over the next minute or so.

I was going to time the car
with my trusty stopwatch.

And Hammond's bob would be
timed by the course officials.

This was it.

Go.

The trees... you nutter!

We're starting to turn.

Oh! That's a turn.
That's a turn. 16 corners.

That's three of them done.

Two kilometres,
on ice, in a minute.

Boy, has Henning
got it all to do!

Oh! That hurts a lot!
That's my head!

The bob may have started slow,

but it was just getting faster
and faster,

and these guys
never use the brakes.

No! No, no, no!

There's a complex
coming up...

Oh, that's one!
And there's another.

At mid-point, 1,000 metres
in, it was anybody's guess.

Brake, use the brakes, man!

- Oh, put a sock in here!
- I'm banging my head.

Oh, my head! Big breaths.

- Henning was just awesome!
- You can't go this fast on ice.

He hit the side.
He's going to kill us.

I don't want to die in tights!

59.68.

Did we win?

What did he do?

Strewth!

I'm broken.

- What have you done it in?
- 59.68.

Go on... Come on, come on!

One minute, two seconds, 24.

Yes! We've won!

Guys! The boys!

- That was good.
- Hope I didn't slow you up too much.

That was fantastic! We did it.
That really was something.

Awesome! Yes!

I have to say...

I have to say, James,
you looked petrified!

Well, I was.

You did...
I will say, though...

Of all the things I've ever done
over the years, jet fighters and so on,

bobsleighing
is easily the scariest.

- It really is.
- Yeah, it's very frightening. It's painful, too.

Because you have to wear these funny trainers
with spikes on so you can get grip the ice.

But the thing is, when the
guy leaps in behind you,

they also stick in your leg,
I noticed.

In fact, it was only my bones that stopped
him going all the way through me. It hurts.

Plus, there's another thing, when I
got in it to do my run in Innsbruck,

they said it will continue to go to
the bottom, even if it turns over,

it'll just be on the head
of the tallest person in it.

You would have been
okay on that.

- You're a kind of human rollbar.
- Yeah. Anyway,

we got to move on,
we've got to meet our guest.

He's a man,
except when he isn't.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Eddie Izzard!

- How are you?
- Fine. Well, just about.

- Now, you've got a pilot's licence.
- I have a pilot's licence.

And so, I was just wondering,
can you actually fly a Spitfire?

I think, yeah, I think if I got it
now, if I was in The Great Escape

and I was James Garner,

and there was
a Spitfire there,

and Donald Pleasence's saying,
"Can you fly any of these?"

I'd say, "Yeah I
could fly the Spitfire."

I could. I logically could,
because I've learnt on a Piper,

which is like
a quarter of the speed

of, uh, a Spitfire.

Spitfire's about 400 knots, 400
miles an hour or something like this.

But all the logic is there,

you know, all the stuff, all
the basic equipment is there.

So I could do it,
I'd just probably kill myself.

That'd be fantastic. I'll like
to see you flying a Spitfire.

No, I do want to do this. I mean...
They are... It's just a beautiful machine.

Is it the greatest machine
the world has ever produced?

I don't know. Wouldn't...

I think different people would
argue, different countries would...

The Focke-Wulf 109
or something.

You know...

- You see, they're chuckling just because...
- I know.

But when you get into it, some of the
German machines were good, but that...

And the Hurricane shot down more
enemy planes in the Battle of Britain.

See, this is the thing
that interests me.

Because obviously, when I
first saw you kicking around,

I assumed you'd be like
cushions and wild flowers.

And it turns out...

It turns out that you do have
a genuine love for engineering.

No, I'm an action
transvestite. This is the thing.

I've said this. People
give me flowers quite a lot.

I don't know
what to do with flowers.

I could... I... They die
on me. They just die.

And you're supposed to water
them, and I can't work out why.

Uh, why don't they just do it
them... Can't they just bugger off?

I mean, I...

I've asked some of
the audiences,

I said, "Look, I really don't want
you to give me anything ever."

"But if you are going to
give me something,

"give me those little things, you know,
when you press down, they go ba-doing."

And I like those,
you know, little...

Have you seen the little clockwork
things that hop round your desk?

Yeah, that's what I like.

I'm a complete gadget freak. So I'm a
complete boy, boy, girl, action-racer, boy...

Carrie-Anne Moss in The Matrix
kind of area of gadgetry with the studs...

I'm with you.
Is it a love of speed?

- No, I don't think I have a love of speed. Um...
- You like guns?

Yeah, no, I have a gun
thing, too, which I don't buy any

but I go to the funfest
and shoot metal ducks.

Who have done me no harm. I do understand
why America has 200 million guns.

Um, that's 'cause obviously they get one gun
and they say, "I'll put it in the drawer."

Then they say,
"If a guy gets in...

"If a burglar gets in,
I'll put two guns here."

And then, by the time they're in
the bedroom, they've about 48 guns.

Now, um...

Despite the love of engineering
and guns and so on, you drive a Mini.

On purpose or...

I'm a huge fan of The
Italian Job first time round.

The real Italian Job,
as supposed to that other one.

- And, uh...
- Which was the Los Angeles job?

- Yeah the Los Angeles one which started with...
- "What?"

And, um...

"And why?" And, uh...
Yeah, so the Mini Cooper.

I've loved the Mini Cooper
since then.

So, I had the original Mini Cooper
and then I had this Mini Cooper.

I just... I've actually tried to
find a big, crazy car to buy.

Kind of thing,
"I could do this now."

But I've not found a car that really
grabs me, and I just love the Mini Cooper.

The thing is, if you love
gadgets, there's not much...

- The satellite navigation in that is appalling.
- Yeah.

It's a BMW one.
It knows nothing.

I haven't tried the other ones.
But why do you find it so appalling?

Have you tried my one
in my car?

Well, I'm assuming
it's the same.

I mean, they don't have a
different girl in each different car,

otherwise you'd run out of
girls, 'cause they sold thousands.

I think, they should have
an option for swearing.

"Turn left, you dickhead."
You know?

That would be nice
for SatNav.

I find the SatNav is fine,
except, if you...

I went to a place
called Mountview Road,

- and it wasn't Mount View Road, it was Mountview Road.
- Mmm-hmm.

Mountview Road, no gap. And
we're looking for Mount View road.

The postcode didn't make
sense. I hit another one.

And you have to
check your destination.

Once you've put it in, you've
got to check whether it's going to

otherwise you'll end up
in Cyprus.

I have found.

Now the other thing I was reading the
other day is that you like roundabouts?

No, well, the thing about roundabouts,
I just think it's a very beautiful...

I meant a pure invention,

and as an invention, it is
beautiful, it costs no money.

You paint that circle on. It doesn't
have the cost of the traffic lights

and when we get there
we know what to do.

And we can work it out. And if someone's
coming from the opposite direction,

you know
you can go straight away

because they're never
going to cut you off.

It's such a beautiful thing, and
the mini-roundabouts especially.

'Cause you can just drive over the
middle if you want to or you can go round.

But, you know, it just
doesn't cost money.

Are you sort of interested in
traffic flow, then, is this something...

No, it bores the pants off me.

Good, right,
that clears it up.

But I like the purity. I'm
interested in the... Simple is pure.

Like they did a special, they did a film
about the discovery, the DNA molecules,

and Crick and Watson.

- Mmm-hmm.
- And Watson said, "The truth is pretty."

"The truth is pretty."
But then Francis Bacon said,

"There is no beauty that hath not
some strangeness about its proportion."

Well, he was named after
bits of a pig.

He may have got that wrong,
yes. He may have got that wrong.

Now, the lap.

- Yes.
- The lap. How did it go out there?

Well, I

did not realise... Everyone's
saying, "Was it fun? Was it fun?"

I didn't quite hit fun
because my stomach...

I'm the most... If you had a list
of the most throw-up-ability type,

I throw up on everything. I've
thrown up on planes, trains...

Even trains,
no one throws up on trains.

I threw up
over an old lady in a train.

- So this was...
- But you can't get car sick from the driver's seat.

I was yes... I got... Yes, I
was making myself carsick.

Even though you were driving?

Yeah, I didn't realise
it would flip out this much.

But the speeds we were going
were so much higher than normal stuff,

- that the torque was...
- But it's a Suzuki Liana.

- I know, but the torque was throwing me out.
- Really?

Yeah. So, once I got
the stomach thing,

I didn't give a
about anything.

I just wanted to get a lap in there
and then get out, actually, to be honest.

Well, let's have a look how it
went, shall we? Play the tape.

Can I comment on this?

You can comment
whatever you like.

If you look at my face,
my face is just, like,

"I'm gonna throw up
at any point here."

So I've actually taken
all emotion out of the face.

I'm not even bothered about
looking scared any more or anything.

You look like Kiefer Sutherland.
Is that Jack Bauer going around?

No, he looks like me. No, you're
right, you just look plain ill there.

That's pretty
vigorous for a man...

I was going for it... on the
point of projectile vomiting.

Well, look at this,
there's just no... Yep.

I like this. This is the one
where you brake like crazy.

Yeah, did you manage
to keep it between the lines?

Ummm... No... So you were
pushing reasonably hard.

- Was I supposed to be between the lines there?
- Yeah, it doesn't really make

a difference since there's no
grass to run on to. That comes later.

Flat out through here? Did
you go or did you have to lift off?

- I like that shot.
- Yes, it's good.

But were you going flat
out? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's all right, then.

Second to last corner,
everyone goes off here.

And indeed.

But that wasn't
my last lap.

No, it doesn't make any difference.
We always take your fastest lap

out of the nine
or ten you did.

Oh, that's how it works.

There you are across the line.

So, where do you reckon, then?

God, I don't know.

Faster than the blind man?
The new bench mark.

- Maybe so.
- Well, don't worry, you did do faster than that.

You did it... One minute,

52 seconds,
ladies and gentlemen.

Which means...

The same time...

Did you ever think you'd see the day when
you were between Jordan and Rick Parfitt?

No, I didn't think
I'd see that day.

On level terms with both. Ladies
and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure

having you here.
Eddie Izzard!

Thanks, Eddie.

Now, the other day
we were wondering

are the cars of today, the sort of
cars you can buy in a showroom,

as fast as the racing cars
of 20 or 30 years ago?

This is a classic case in point.
This is the Ford Escort that took.

Roger Clarke to the 1974
British Rally Championship.

And what we've got here is a
perfectly normal Ford Focus RS.

Leather seats, hot and cold
running, electric windows, the lot.

So, same driver, same track,

let's find out
which is the fastest.

Away they go. And the Escort is
half a second faster from naught to 60

'cause it's more powerful and
a fifth of a tonne lighter.

But just look at the way
it corners there!

Here the Focus comes into its own with its
modern tyres and its computer skulduggery.

Hammerhead now, and the Focus's trick
differential means it tracks neat and true.

While the Escort is
over-steering wildly!

That is a live
rear axle for you.

This is incredible, though,

a car you don't have
to wear a helmet to drive,

as they go through
the tyre wall, is miles ahead

of a car that won the British Rally
Championship and now it's a tripod!

We're coming up to the finish and the
£20,000 Focus has simply monstered

the priceless rally legend.

Right. So, that was a clear
victory for the high street.

So, I think we should
up the ante a bit.

Okay. Yes, fair enough.
So what we've got here,

is one of the most famous racing
cars of all time, the Ford GT40.

This won Le Mans four times

from 1966 to 1969.

And what we have here is
the Noble M400, which is

one of our favourite current sports cars.
And I don't think has ever won anything.

No, absolutely nothing at all.

So, what do we think?

What do we reckon
is going to win this?

- Noble.
- You reckon the Noble.

An interesting one, that, because
it's got, what, 425 brake horsepower.

The Ford only has 390.

Anyone else?
Any other thoughts?

GT40.

- You think...
- Yeah, the GT40.

- But, you see...
- It's lighter, isn't it?

Good point.
It is a lot lighter.

Because, I mean, it looks like
half of Detroit in the back,

but actually it doesn't weigh
more than a Lotus Elise GT40.

That's much heavier.
The Noble's a lot heavier.

So, let's have a show of
hands. Who thinks it's the Noble?

Hands up for the power.
Hands up for the racing lightness.

Ooh, I'd say the GT40's
just edged it here.

Well, let's find out.

This is thumping, old-fashioned
V8-power versus a modern V6 turbo,

and sheer size seems to have it,
because the GT40 is already ahead.

But look...

The Noble's modern brakes mean
The Stig can close the gap in the Benz.

Chicago now. Still looking evenly
matched. But then once again,

the GT40 thunders its way out,
is edging ahead.

Now they're coming into
the Hammerhead.

Here, the Noble's modern tyres
and downforce help to make up time,

but the Ford's not giving up
that easily.

I mean, don't forget, despite
the '60s technology,

the GT40 was built for one
reason, to excel on the track.

And it's swallowing up our version
of the Mulsanne Straight there.

As they go through
the tyre wall

they are absolutely
neck-and-neck.

Forty years
separates these cars,

but in the final sequence of
bends, there's nothing in it at all!

And there's the finish.

In fact, the stopwatch showed

that the GT40 won it
by 0.6 of a second.

So...

So...

That is one win for the road
cars and one win for the racers.

Right. So we're gonna have a
decider, and from the historic stable,

we have this,
the original Audi Quattro.

Now, this is the car that won the
World Rally Championship in 1983,

and it kicked off that whole four-wheel
drive revolution in rallying thing.

And this is one of the road-going
monsters that it spawned,

this is the Mitsubishi Evo 8,
the 340, okay?

Any thoughts, anyone?

Who thinks the Evo? Hands up.

And who thinks the Quattro?

That is about 50-50.

So, play the tape.

The figures suggest
this will be a walkover.

The Audi has 20 more horsepower
and is a third of a tonne lighter.

And to be honest,
1983 isn't that long ago.

Now, I know the Evo's a
Pentium processor with wheels,

but it's hard to see
how it can win this.

Although, that said, I have to say, through
the Hammerhead, it is actually edging ahead.

The Audi is obviously suffering 'cause its
engine is slung ahead of the front axle,

which causes
massive under-steer,

or perhaps it's the weight of
all those lights slowing it down.

Whatever the reason, it's the Evo
with the carpets and the warranty

that's going to win this!
I cannot believe it!

As they come into
the last corner...

It's actually won!

I'm stunned.

The Evo won that
by 1.5 seconds,

which means it's two to the showroom
cars and only one to the racers.

I think that's remarkable.

It is astonishing because if you
think about it, not that long ago,

people were travelling hundreds of miles
to stand up in a wood, all night, in Wales

just to watch one of these
go by at full chat.

And now, you can buy a
road car which is just as fast.

Right. It's time to move on.

Now, if you've just joined us,
this is really the ultimate race.

Because Jeremy is trying to drive
one of these Ferraris, one like this,

from our studio here
in Guildford

all the way down to the Lodge Hotel
in Verbier, which is in Switzerland.

And he's trying to do that faster than
James and I can get there on a plane.

Now, when we left the action, James
and I were about here somewhere,

and Jeremy was around here,

about 250 miles behind us, and
he'd just been stopped for speeding.

We were feeling
pretty confident.

We pick up the story
an hour later,

with James and Richard
on a train in the Alps,

and me off the motorway, in
the hills north of Lake Lausanne.

So, now it stops being about power
and starts being about handling,

and on that front
it's very good.

Because the engine may be in the
front but it's behind the front wheels,

so it's actually mid-engined.

And the gearbox is at the back
for perfect weight distribution.

This should be a riot.

- Where are you?
- He's catching up.

We're on our way towards...

Martigny.

God, you are catching up!

Lay roads had been kind to Jeremy, and
now we no longer had jet engine power.

He was starting to
close the gap.

I've got snow.

There is snow on the ground,

and I don't just love this car
any more.

I wish you could be
where I am now.

Which is better than where we were,
on the platform at Martigny station

with an hour's wait, and then
another train and a bus to catch.

An hour with the
Saint Bernard Express!

- Look at that!
- The dog train!

That hour was really killing us, because
while we were waiting for the train,

Jeremy was racking up
the miles.

- Where are you?
- North of Lake Lausanne.

You're now in Martigny,
are you?

Yes, but we're going
to be here for an hour.

Yeah, but you can spit
and you can hit Verbier!

I know. But the next
train that we've got

is... The
Reverend W Awdry's stories.

And then we've got
a bus as well.

You've really caught up in
the last hour.

You've more than halved
the distance.

At last, the Swiss border!

So, now I shall be leaving
the EU

and automotively speaking, at
any rate, entering the Dark Ages.

The trouble with Switzerland
is that they have

no tolerance at all of speed

and cars and pollution.

If Steve McQueen had
actually made that jump

on his bike in The Great
Escape, into Switzerland,

they'd have arrested him
for reckless driving.

This was going to be
the final fill-up.

With the Ferrari averaging
15 miles to the gallon,

it would now be a non-stop
thrash to Verbier.

Meanwhile Richard and James were
boarding the Saint Bernard Express

for their last train journey, but I
was seriously catching them up.

Well, this is just
super-tense now, because

we've got another 10 minutes or so on this
train to get to, it's on this map, Le Chable.

And then from there,
how long, it's a...

Fifteen minutes on the bus.

And then it's
a 10-minute walk.

- You do know we've got that walk at the end?
- Yeah.

Walk.

- Now if you...
- Unless I see him, then I will run on television.

They're only 60 miles
ahead of me now.

Only 60 miles ahead.

I've made up 140 miles.

And I haven't finished yet.

Jeremy is somewhere between probably
just behind us and where we're going.

I mean, it's that close.

- I honestly believe I can hear the car.
- I know.

You can hear that V12...

Finally, we were
off the train.

Now, for the last leg,
in a bus!

Ooh, it sounds good
in a tunnel.

What am I doing?
I'm in a Swiss tunnel!

I could go to prison for 30 years for
being in third gear in a tunnel here.

- Where is it we're going?
- Verbier.

Only 40 miles behind them!

I've got it. I've done it.

God, this is exciting.
This is exciting.

I've got the Alps,
I've got Geneva behind me.

I've got bold tunnels,
Grand Saint Bernard Pass.

It's all like a spy thriller.

And I'm in a race,
in a Ferrari!

Okay, I'm now past Montreux,
on the Lake Geneva shoreline.

♪ Swiss time is running out

♪ We knew that we would
lose the race ♪

Far from it, actually, because they had to
get up 12 miles of mountain road in a bus.

And I was hunting them down
in a Ferrari.

Switching to manual,
and sport.

We're gonna need everything this car has
got to give, and it's got a lot to give.

He's behind.
I know he's behind us!

Ten minutes
plus a little walk.

- I'm waiting to hear the V12 wailing.
- I am, as well.

- We'll see a set of Ferrari headlamps, and it's all over!
- Oh, c'mon.

Is it worth dying to beat
James and Richard?

No.

Is it worth dying to prove
trains are useless? Yes.

- I'm going to go and drive the bus.
- No!

This was awful.

I knew that somewhere in the
darkness, they were just minutes ahead.

See, I don't know how far away
Verbier is, that's my big problem.

Oh, my God. Traction control
fighting the back end there.

Look down in the valley and
any one of those could be him.

I'm sure I'd be able spot the
front of that car even in the dark.

- I can't believe it's this close!
- No, I can't believe it.

Come on.
Let's see that bus.

This is the bus depot. C'mon.

Go, go, go!

God, come on... What? How
many more towns must there be?

- Er, le lodge?
- Lodge?

- Lodge.
- Lodge.

I can't carry
this bloody thing.

No, this is Verbier.
I'm here!

Hurry up!
I've got your bag!

Oh, for God's sake, Swissers,
get out the way!

Where is it?

Do you know where
the lodge is?

Which way do I go?

We need to go to the top.

That's them. No!

That's them!

No!

You've got to be kidding!

Yes!

I can't believe that!

I can't believe this.

No one is gonna...
I'm sorry, I'm not going to...

- Bye-bye!
- Just saw the keys.

Permission to say "cock"
for the second time.

I've even
abandoned me luggage.

- Guys!
- Yeah, yeah.

What did I say?
I can't believe how...

No one...

- No one's gonna believe that.
- No one will believe that was for real.

- I don't believe it.
- After 11 hours. Eleven hours.

That was astonishing.

I said, "He'll just have time to
pour himself a beer and look smug."

By the hot tub.

- I have to say...
- That was spectacular.

Also, I tried to look smug,
but it's bloody freezing!

So there we are,

the best integrated public
transport system in the world,

allied to a plane that actually
arrived at Geneva early,

was beaten by a car.

But do you know...
Do you know what?

- James and I were happy to lose to a car, and what a car.
- It is a car.

I also want to make it plain,
that was for real.

I really did overtake
them on Verbier high street.

- I couldn't believe it.
- In this astonishing car.

I mean, obviously,
my abiding memory of it

- is the windscreen wiper, here, which had a bent blade.
- Right.

Caused by a mechanic leaning on it,
and he's now sharing his bed at night

- with a horse's head.
- That's fair. That's fair.

But once I'd tuned that out,
it's an astonishing piece of kit.

Because on the motorway, it's
really, really quiet, really comfortable,

then you get to the Alpine
pass, them on their bus...

It was awful!

And you're just
trying to catch them up.

It was fantastic.

It was a full-on, snarling Ferrari,
at that. Brilliant thing. Brilliant.

It's difficult to know what
to compare it with.

Because you can't compare it
with the Aston Martin DB9

because this is a proper
four-seater, really, whereas that isn't.

- Yeah, true.
- So it's closer, if anything, to the Bentley Continental GT.

- You know, kinda big four-seater, two-door coupe.
- Yeah. Yeah.

That's absolutely right. This is a
lot more expensive than a Bentley.

£70,000 more
than the Bentley, in fact.

It'll depreciate like a stone
because all four-seat Ferraris do.

- They do.
- And it's gonna be more brittle.

But that said,
let me just say this to you,

Ryan Giggs,

Kieron Dyer,

Rio Ferdinand,
they all don't have Ferraris,

they've all bought Bentleys, and for
that reason alone, I'd buy one of these.

Yeah.

So, the Ferrari
won the race to Verbier.

This year, Ferrari won the Formula
1 World Championship, again.

And when we look
at our lap board,

we find that it's headed
by a Ferrari!

We thought it'd be a good
idea to teach them a lesson.

So, look what we've got
down here.

Yes, it is
a Renault Formula 1 car.

The thing is Renault
called us up and they said,

they reckon this could
get round our track,

not in a pedestrian
one minute, 19 seconds.

They say they reckoned it
could get round in under a minute.

This is the actual car that Fernando
Alonso used in the last three races

of the 2004 F1 season.

But while it's ready to race,

unfortunately
it's not ready to go.

You don't just turn the key in a car that
churns out 1,500 brake horsepower per tonne.

A car that can go from 0-125
and then back to 0 again

in seven seconds.

In fact, you need a team of 16 highly
qualified engineers just to get it going.

And then you need someone
with nerves of steel to drive it.

Sadly, Alonso was busy.

But that's okay,

because we have just
the man for the job.

Yes, this is Stig's birthday
and Christmas present

all rolled into one.

So,

let's see what he can do.

And he's off. No Grand Prix car
can accelerate as fast as the Renault.

So much torque in that thing,
and here's the proof.

In just six seconds,
he's up to 150 miles an hour.

Right, through the first corner,
he's keeping it at a steady 125.

Look at that grip!

Right, now, up to Chicago.

Here we go.

Ooh, traction control keeping
the back end in check there

as he powers down now
towards Hammerhead.

I've never seen those bumps
in a road car before.

Now, they fitted the Monaco
steering rack for this twisty bit.

Well, it's worked, no under-steer, no
over-steer, just a bucket-load of power.

Now, he's kicking up spray
now as he buries the throttle.

Already, he's up to 171.

Slow down a bit
for the Follow-through.

Oh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Look at that!

Final straight, he's faster
still, 183 miles an hour

as he brakes
for the second to last corner.

Over half the lap's been done
at full throttle,

but can he really have got round
in under the magical minute?

Come on!

Did he?

- Well, it was greasy out there and there were big puddles...
- Yes.

- ...which did slow him down a bit.
- Yes.

The Stig did it...

- 59 seconds.
- Yes!

It's just unbelievable.

The thing is, though, this
is only for cars with ashtrays

and noses that you can
get over speed bumps.

It's only for road cars,
so I'm afraid,

- Richard, if you'd like to take that down.
- I think it should stay.

I'll do it, then.

I'm afraid we can't have it,
but there is some consolation.

Because you know earlier on,
we were showing you

that today's road cars are as fast
as racing cars from 20 years ago,

well, it stands to reason
that in 20 years' time

you'll be able to go
as fast as that on the A34.

And on that cheery note,
it's time to end the show.

We're back next week,
Boxing Day, 8:30 o'clock.

But in the meantime,
have a very happy Christmas.

Good night!

Subtitles modified from MTOD transcript Ripped by GLUE
of QxR Edited/corrected for TGCC v2 by AlexGRFan97