Original subtitles

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Hannah?

When I grow up, I want to be an animal doctor.

Perfect.

Jacob?

When I grow up...

I wanna be with you, Olivia.

Aw!

Didn't you fuck that up?

What? No.

What are you talk--

Yeah, you totally broke up with her.

Yes. Yes he did, Tim.

Gold star for you.

Wow. You're an idiot, Jacob.

You're an idiot, Billy.

I heard that he did it

because he thought it was the "right thing to do."

I-- I did. I did think--

-Who threw that? -Jacob.

I'm very disappointed in you.

I thought...

well, I thought we were gonna be together forever.

Olivia, I-- I do love you.

Boo!

You're gonna die alone, you know?

Why are you naked?

Olivia! Olivia?

Morning, son.

Dad.

Is anything wrong?

My dad just died.

Oh.

So, why do I have to do this again?

Well, your mother and I are busy arranging the funeral

and being very sad that he's dead, Jacob.

Good point. Where did Grandpa live again?

I mean, I know.

I just want to make sure you know.

Broken Bay.

Wait, Broken Bay? That's--

Where you're going. Now hurry up.

Put your dick away.

Hey!

Where's your shit?

What do you mean where's my shit?

We're only going for, like, two days, this is fine.

Yeah, but that's just a bottle of booze, dude.

-Where are your clothes? -A bear ate them.

What about your other clothes?

I'll just turn my underwear inside out,

it's no big deal.

Anyway, fuck me? Uh, no, uh, sir, fuck you.

Why the fuck are there so many bags in the back?

You're only one man, Jacob.

Dude, what makes you think they're all mine?

What?

Aw, fuck.

Dude, why is your sister coming?

Her Grandpa just died. Why are you coming, Drew?

What's wrong with her coming anyway?

Hey, Drew.

-Hey, Abby. -Gum?

Um...

Yes?

Okay, you're just gonna stick that right in my mouth.

That's...

Thanks.

Teenagers, right?

You're an asshole.

She's just messing around, dude.

You're gonna have to get used to it.

You're gonna be stuck in the same house

for the next two days.

Well, at least I can avoid her

for the next two hou--

Whities in the back, fam.

Mike, when did you even get here?

Early enough to call shotgun

and the aux cable.

Okay, look, Mike. Mike, listen to me right now.

I need you to do me a solid and get out of the car, yeah?

Just get in the back. Stop, stop.

Mike. I need your help.

I need your help. I will fucking end you with this.

I will break this wine bottle over your face

until you die from it.

I will destroy you.

I will fucking break down this glass.

You think you're so cool?

Uh, Drew.

I cannot help but notice you've drunk all your luggage.

Yeah, why don't you try turning that inside out?

I'd let you turn me inside out.

Anyone?

Did anyone just hear that?

Hey, man, you should get that light checked.

What, the oil okay light?

Wow, I wish I lived in your world.

Dude, the light's working fine, man.

What are you talking about?

If there's one thing my people know, it's oil.

All righty? And signs when things are about to explode.

- Okay? Like-- - All right, look, Mike.

I've had this car for years

and this light has been on the entire time.

Okay? It's fine. Don't worry.

I'll bet you five bucks that this car

won't last a week.

Okay. Deal.

Earphone?

-Not even a little. -All right.

I just thought you'd prefer this

than Mike's stupid questions.

So, would you rather have dick sized nipples

or a nipple sized dick?

Give me the headphone.

Jacob. Jacob.

Uh, dick sized nipples.

Definitely.

Mike. Mike.

Oh, can't hear you, fam.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Help me, Carly.

This has to stop.

Give me that. Give it to me.

Right after this tub.

So, how we feeling?

Day 38.

Wine-cream has not filled the void.

Yet.

With skills like that,

it's a wonder he ever broke up with you.

What's happening to me?

Well...

this is all...

not normal, but...

understandable.

You need to allow yourself a certain adjustment period.

What should I do?

Well, you know what they say.

The best way to get over someone

is to do anal with a stranger.

Nobody says that.

Pretty sure they do.

I don't think I'm ready to do anal with a stranger.

I don't think I'm ready for anal, full stop.

I'm just saying let's go out together.

Meet some other guys.

I don't think I'm ready to meet other...

guys.

Come on. It'll be good for you.

You've had your 38 days of mourning.

Now comes the part where you make bad decisions

that you regret for the rest of your life.

Yes.

That does sound fun.

As long as nobody gets pregnant, it's fine.

That's where the anal comes in handy.

-Come on. -Oh!

Gross.

Where the fuck is Jacob, man?

I swear is he fucking playing with his black cobra?

Like, what the fuck's he doing?

Uh, if he was doing that, he'd be done a lot sooner.

Fucking savage.

As much as I would love to talk

about my brother fapping away in there,

I'm gonna go to the bathroom while we wait.

You coming, Drew?

-No. -You will be.

Mike, I need your help.

I knew this day would come.

Man, look, I understand you're gay, all right?

But I can't-- I can't help you in this journey.

It's a solo journey.

Brother, I love you, but not like that, man, come on.

Look, look, remember the Christmas party

we had a few weeks ago?

Uh, you mean opposed to the fucking one in August?

Okay, can you just?

Do you remember?

-I can do the dance. -You can't do it, bro.

-I can do the dance. -You can't do shit, bro.

Yeah? You wanna bet? You wanna bet?

-Nah, nah, nah, nah. -Take the drink.

-Ready? -Okay.

Honestly, no. Wait.

Yes. Oh, wait.

Was it the time we got really fucked up

and went to that sperm bank and, uh,

we made a bet that you were too ugly to donate sperm?

Am I pretty enough to donate sperm?

Tell him! You want me to pay you?

I'll pay you. Here, take everything.

Take everything I own.

Take it all. Take it all.

Honestly, I don't know. It's all kind of a blur.

But the Christmas party.

It was good up until...

I fucked up.

What did you do?

Did you take a shit in the shower

and then you had to, like,

fucking waffle stomp that bitch?

No?

Oh.

No, either-- not me either.

Uh, no, I--

I kissed Abby.

And?

I know, I know.

It was dark and you can't argue with the mistletoe.

It's got very specific instructions

and she just scares the shit out of me.

She's obsessed with me.

That's what happens when you kiss a fucking 12-year-old.

She was 17!

But she's 18 now. Who gives a fuck?

Hey, Mikey.

I'm not Mikey.

You're not...

You-- you're-- you're Mikey.

No, dude, he's outside.

I'm Jacob.

Who are you?

Um, Mike...

do you want to have a sword fight?

Not necessarily, no.

I can be gentle.

Mikey?

Here he comes. Don't tell him. Don't tell Jacob, don't.

No, bro, he probably already knows, man.

Fucking Abby's told me, like, five times.

-Told you what? -Mike shit in your shower.

You know, sometimes I genuinely wish you guys were strangers.

Hey, Markovich!

I'm ready.

Fuck no.

-No, no, no, no, no, no. -Come on.

- No. - I want you to look at this.

This wine looks like blood.

Pants-top combo.

Dress.

What are we feeling?

Depressed.

Well, that kinda sounds like a dress.

So, maybe try on this one.

Doesn't match my blackened heart.

Okay, Debbie Downer,

you're gonna have to work with me here, okay?

Will you at least please wear a darker dress?

Please.

-Suppose I can't argue. -Yep. Okay.

Try this one.

Come on, try it on. I wanna see.

But...

you're there.

And?

Well, I don't know, I thought...

alone times.

Skye. I'm a girl, yeah?

Seen it all before.

I mean, half these dresses came from naked girls.

One night.

Steamy, sexy...

scissoring encounters.

How many scissoring encounters?

A few.

I mean, okay, I might be, like, 68% gay.

How can you be so sure?

Maths.

Okay, so,

if I've slept with 34 women...

and 16 guys...

How?

Like, how do you find the time?

How many days in a year?

365.

Mm-hmm, okay, so, if I'm 22 now,

I've slept with 50 people.

That's one person every 160.6 days.

It's quite conservative, really.

That's if you started when you were born.

Everybody's gotta start somewhere, Skye.

-Okay, but it's just, I-- -Put the damn dress on.

Okay.

All right, so in total,

your Grandad's bar tab comes to...

Dude, Mike.

Jesus Christ! No wonder he fucking died.

That is a lot of money.

I'd actually be pretty proud

if I wasn't so depressed right now.

Fucking hell.

Just on credit, dude.

Jakey-wakey. Mikey likey.

It's Olivia. Holy shit.

How many camels is she worth?

Seven? I've only got six.

Damn, one more.

Evening, ladies.

Guess I'll go fuck myself.

I swear-- Bro.

- Olivia. Hey. - Jacob.

Wow, it's great to see you.

Why are you here?

Here? Right now? Um...

Paying my Grandpa's tab.

Apparently he was an alcoholic,

which is probably why he's dead right now.

- Right. - Yeah, I'm good though.

Um, what about you?

Um, great, I actually live here now.

Oh, you do? Really?

What are the chances of that, huh?

Just astronomical. Wow, that's great.

Look, Olivia, um...

if you want to grab dinner sometime, I mean,

I know you're busy and I'm only here

for a couple of days,

but if you want to sometime?

Yeah.

I mean...

maybe.

How about right now? I have no plans at all.

Oh, yeah.

It's not like you were hanging out with me.

Why the fuck did you bring me then?

It's just, you know,

we haven't seen each other in a while

and it'd be great if we just catch up

for a bit, you know, hang out.

Just as friends, I mean, of course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll get it.

Please help us.

So, what's with the goat?

Oh, boy.

It is a pulse pounding tale of adventure.

Think of Free Willy, but with a goat.

Tell us all about it.

I want to hear the entire tale

in its entirety before I leave this table.

Well, uh, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Wouldn't we?

We're interested, aren't we, Abby?

-Well-- -Great.

From the beginning, please and thank you.

Okay, uh,

well, I was on this blind date, uh, with a woman named Helen.

She was really into me, by the way.

You know. Women.

Anyway.

Max Cameron.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh... ...sometimes I just like to say my own name.

All right.

So, I, uh...

really enjoyed the date we were on just now.

We should do it again sometime.

Yeah, I mean...

There are a lot of things that we should do again,

but...

we never will.

Just...

get in the door.

Duh.

So, where does the goat come into all of this?

Abby, it's called setting the scene, read a book.

Helen?

So Wynston and I just hightailed it out of there.

Wynston? The goat's name is Wynston?

Abby, the goat's name is Wynston.

Good. Good for Wynston.

So there I was, driving away for my life

with Wynston in the back seat.

Don't worry, Wynston.

Max Cameron's here to save you.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, please, hurry.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

That's fine.

I'm Sergeant Lee Aaron.

Do you realize how--

Is that a goat?

His name is Wynston.

Hello, Wynston.

Now, do you realize how fast that you were going?

Okay, yes, uh, I know I was going fast, but believe me

when I tell you, I have a very good reason.

There's never a good reason for speeding, son.

Would you rather be three minutes late

to whatever hootenanny you're on your way to or...

permanently late?

-'Cause you're dead. -Please, sir.

I-- I'm-- I'm currently being traced by a mob

of angry Satanists because I stole their sacrificial goat.

Stole, you say?

Well, stealing's a crime, son.

If you'll just look over there,

you'll see how truthful I'm being.

-I'm not lying when I tell-- -Lying, you say?

All right, that's going on the list.

If you would just look over there slightly,

if you would just slightly turn your head

then you'll see that I-- Please.

-Not wearing a seat belt-- -Oh, for fuck's sake,

will you just turn your head?

Swearing at an officer.

That's going on the list.

Fleeing the scene of a crime, that's going on the list.

So, I just kept driving.

I don't even know where I am.

Why didn't you just drive home?

It's not safe for Wynston back there.

No, no, I'll start a new life here, thank you.

Where there are no devil worshippers.

Ha-- has anyone seen this goat or this man?

Goat or the man? Hey, you.

You, you guys, there's a goat and a man.

The man's taken the goat, we're trying to find the goat.

We just want the goat, don't even need the man.

- Don't need the man. - It's fine.

It's like we're environmentalists or something.

Carly does...

what Carly has to do.

Which is drink shots and get my friend a dick.

Yeah, yeah, I was talking about you, that's right.

You're cute when you're nervous.

Yes.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna confiscate this.

Bitch.

Oh, whoa. Mm-hmm. Okay.

And she swallows.

Let's hope the fellas think you're cute too, huh?

Let's have a look, partner.

What the fuck are you doing?

Boop.

I spy a Negative Nancy.

I'm gonna try West.

Land ho.

What, him?

Don't worry, he'll come to us.

Why do we want him to come to us?

He's the scenic route

or scenic route for added effect.

Wait, what?

See, okay.

Let me bestow upon you the secrets of womankind

passed down from generation to generation.

The scenic route is a below average looking gentleman

who has hotter friends.

You introduce yourself to him while he's alone and he,

in turn, will, you know, introduce you

to his hotter friends.

You know, I don't know,

some kind of showing off thing, whatever.

And then while you're over there,

you just jump ship right onto the hot guy's cock.

Scenic route.

Get where you're going, just take an alternate path.

What happened to you as a child?

Ready? Break.

Skye!

- He's looking. - No, wait, wait.

How do we know if he has hot friends?

I saw them with my telescope.

Hi, excuse me.

Oh, my God. Hi.

And then apparently he shat in my shower.

You are as charming as ever.

Hey, I didn't shit in my shower.

Thanks for sharing that.

You're welcome. You know what?

I feel like we've really bonded tonight.

Where's Mike?

That was him I saw you with before, right?

So, hm,

what happened to your Black friend?

Hmm?

Yeah, I-- I think he had something to do

back at the bar maybe?

I don't-- I think.

You ditched him?

Yeah. Without even telling him.

You know what? I think he's gonna be fine.

As long as he doesn't go into any showers unsupervised.

Uh, too bad this whole town is full of them.

Well, then that means that he's already dead.

What's up with everyone I care about dying?

First Grandpa, then Mike.

Next thing, you know, it could be you.

Okay, that's-- Okay, that's not what I meant to say.

What I meant was I don't really care

about you at all.

Thanks.

Okay, that's not what I meant to say either.

Relax.

I know what you meant.

I mean, it's hard to spend three years with someone

and then stop caring about them, you know?

Yeah, yeah, and you know I'm-- I'm fine.

I'm totally okay.

Absolutely no soul crushing regrets

that keep me up at night.

I mean, what even is a soul crushing regret, right?

I don't know 'cause I never had one.

What about you?

It's Tyler!

Jacob, this is--

Tyler.

And you are?

She just told you my name was Jacob.

Anyway, it's nice...

Who is this guy?

It's Tyler!

My boyfriend.

-Wow, you're really funny. -Thank you.

- Do you work out? - Yep.

Wow.

- Oh, hey there. - Hi.

Can I get you another round?

-Yeah, that sounds nice. -Yeah.

-You gonna drink it with us? -I don't see why not.

You said you wanted to go out and we're out, so pick one.

Hey, Red. How you doing?

Hi. I'm doing pretty well. How are you?

All the better for seeing you.

So, one for my friend as well then.

Uh, no.

It'll be more fun if it's just the two of us.

My friend, Skye, and I

were actually drinking some vodka sodas

-if you wanted to join us. -Oh, I'd love to.

It looks like you're almost out.

Oh, look at that. I am.

Do you work out?

Yeah, about six times a week.

Yeah, go and have another feel.

Um...

hi.

You spilled my drink, dawg.

Skye, wait! What happened?

The only scenic route I'm taking is the bus home.

Skye, you weren't listening.

You're not supposed to take the scenic route home,

you're supposed to use him to--

I know what the scenic route is for.

Not everyone wants to do anal with a stranger.

Not that you'd care.

I've really been hurting this last month

and you've used tonight as an excuse

to try and get with some guy.

An excuse?

Okay, firstly, I got, like, five guys back there.

Secondly, I was doing it for you.

I would have given you one.

Or even two if you wanted to try and make that, you know,

Chinese finger trap thing happen.

What is wrong with you?

Carly, if you knew me at all

you'd know that I don't want any of this.

I thought that's what you wanted.

I thought you wanted to get back out there.

You forgot your phone.

I'm sorry.

I know you've been really hurting since he left...

but I thought tonight it could just be us, you know?

Go out and have fun.

While you were with him I barely got to see you

and... now it's just us.

Together again.

I'm sorry I yelled.

I just want to go home.

Then let's go. Hoe.

Jacob, why aren't you laughing?

Uh, because it wasn't funny.

Well, you're wrong there, dummy.

You see, you might have missed the hilarity in the joke.

Uh, no, actually, I'm not wrong.

I did understand the joke. I just didn't find it funny.

What I don't understand

is how you're dating this guy, Olivia.

Jacob, that's-- that's really rude.

I'm the one being rude?

How, Olivia? How can you date this guy?

I don't understand.

This isn't you.

What the fuck would you know about what I want?

You don't even know what you want.

That's why we broke up.

What? What?

Why aren't you at your dead Granddad's place?

What?

Man, you fucked up with Olivia,

so I brought the party back to your place.

You're having a party at my dead Grandpa's house?

You saw the bar tab, he'd be fucking proud.

Oh, by the way, that bar tab, it just got a little higher.

Anyway, where the fuck are you?

I need a beer pong partner

and clearly Drew's shithoused, he can't fucking play.

- Hey, fuck you! - Hey, no, no, no, no, no.

Fuck me? No, sir.

Fuck you.

Look. Mike, Mike,

put Drew on the phone.

Drew, it's your boy.

My-- my boy!

Hey, chocolate. What's happening?

Dude, what the hell is going on?

Party's happening. Be here or be square.

Wait, no, I fucked that up.

-Come here and-- -Drew, listen,

how could you let this happen, man?

What do you think my parents are gonna say if they find out?

Uh, sorry we missed it?

But seriously, I did call ahead and I did get permission.

Wait, seriously?

Well, I left a voicemail.

-I'm sure it's fine. -No.

No, Drew, it's not fine.

You're supposed to be the smart one.

I am the smart one.

No, no, you know what?

You've replaced Mike now as the dumb one.

Uh, I'm not as stupid as you

because I didn't throw a party in an ill-conceived attempt

to get Jacob away from Olivia.

Fuck, you're an idiot, Mike.

-What? -What?

This is Jacob.

Oh, no.

Well, regardless of that,

this may have been Mike's idea,

but I'm 100% on board with this party

because before this, it was just me and Abby.

And Max and Wynston.

Who the fuck is Max and Wynston?

Oh, Jacob, you'll love Max and Wynston.

So many zany stories. So much zane.

If we were the cast of Titanic,

he would be Billy Zane.

Except picture him with a goat

instead of trying to murder DiCaprio.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm gonna let Max explain. Maximus!

Where is that little goat loving boy?

There he is! Hey, how're you?

I love you.

Tell him all about Billy Zane.

Hello? Is this Billy Zane?

No, you're Billy Zane?

I'm Billy Zane?

Look.

Abby. Do you know Abby?

Can you-- can you give her the phone?

Billy Zane wants to talk to Abby.

Silly Zane.

Dude, is the phantom

actually at your house right now, bro?

I don't know, Tyler.

Look,

I need to go.

My parents want to sell that house

and if there's a Mike shaped hole in the wall,

the value's gonna go down pretty quick.

-Jacob. -Olivia, look.

You don't have to say anything.

If you want to talk, just give me a ring. Anytime.

Tyler, it was...

Fuck.

I like him. He's, um...

passionate.

So, what's the story here?

Is this your house or...

Oh, yeah, I mean,

I own this and at least six casinos.

I'm lying, this is my buddy Jacob's place.

So, does that mean you have a bedroom here?

Oh, yeah, I've got, like, a big comfy ol' bed.

Can I see it?

Why, are you, like, a bed salesman?

Oh, I'm sorry. Saleswoman.

Salesperson.

I don't know the technical term for--

Please stop talking.

Can we just go upstairs

so I can see that big comfy bed?

Oh, well if you put it that way then, yeah,

sure, we can go see my big comfy bed.

All you had to do was ask.

I didn't even know we were standing

on the staircase anyway.

Drew.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

-Alone? -Not even a little bit.

Good day.

Don't you think you should stop drinking?

The alcohol could be affecting your decision making.

Do you really want to do something you'll regret?

Yeah.

Can you not do that? Thanks.

Sorry.

It's the only thing that lets me feel.

Yeah.

It's the only way this captain's gonna keep

his ship in tip top shape to sail the high seas.

So, the-- the hat and stuff, that's, like, your thing or...

-What thing? -Never mind.

Aye-aye.

Yeah, this is pretty comfy.

I can think of a way we can be more comfortable.

Oh?

And in some positions somewhat uncomfortable,

but worth it overall.

You're being very diplomatic.

Is it turning you on?

A little, yeah. To be TBH.

Well, if we're being TBH...

I gotta take a whiz

but you just lay there and think about

how cute you think I am.

-Okay. -Ready? Break.

Don't mind me first mate, Squawkers.

Just make sure he doesn't bite you.

Are we gonna get scurvy?

That's not the worst disease you contracted.

-Fuck you. -Fuck me?

No ma'am, fuck you.

Land ho, ladies.

-Excuse me, driver? -Captain.

Captain, sorry, um, could you please take us

to the roundabout up there and swing back around please?

What do you think?

Aye-aye. Hard starboard.

Isn't that your parents?

Fuck.

Well, no need to jump ship.

What could they possibly want?

Well, you've been screening their calls, right?

Well, yeah, but--

Yeah, okay. So, we can do this.

All we need to do is conceal the fact

that you're a drunkard now.

I can't go in there with pre-spilled wine on my dress.

I have some female clothes in the boot.

Would you like to borrow them?

What?

I have some clothes in the boot.

Would you like them, Skye?

How does he know my name?

Yes, she would. Thank you, Captain.

How does he know my name?

Just let it happen.

Yeah.

She was about your size.

Aloha.

Huh.

Oh, hey, you know Casey, don't you?

Did she come by here looking extremely aroused?

Uh, she didn't tell you?

She just got a phone call saying that her entire family

had been killed in a horrific car accident

and she had to leave immediately.

Huh.

I am sad for multiple reasons.

The car crash is none of them, really.

I cannot believe they're here.

Mr. and Mrs. Baker.

So nice to see you again

here at my home.

You're looking great. Have you lost weight?

Cram it, Hooper.

Did he just last name me?

Yeah, everything's great.

Keeping busy.

That's what you wanted to hear, right?

Look, we're just-- we just want to know how you're doing.

We don't understand why you broke up with this guy.

He was so sweet to you, so nice to you.

We just don't get it, Skye.

Look, I'm sorry I haven't been speaking to you guys.

I've just been going through some things

and I needed some time to figure it all out.

I'll-- I'll call you

after I've sorted things through.

I know you think I made a mistake

by breaking up with him...

but... I didn't.

Maybe we can talk about it over brunch?

Don't be stupid, Skye.

You know perfectly well

your mother and I don't do brunch.

It's breakfast or lunch.

Choose one.

And that's why my plan is infallible.

So, what are you going to do when Jacob shows up?

He'll be too busy trying to climb out of his own asshole

before he gets here.

A couple of hours. Fuck.

Hey, guys, it's your boy. What's up, man?

No, it's not your boy. What the fuck is this?

An absolute banger of a party, bro.

Grab a drink.

Dude, how is there a party going on right now?

How and why?

Well, if you must know, Jacob,

since you rudely ditched me at the bar,

I had to find my own way back home

and the only way to do that was to hijack a party bus

that just happened to roll by.

It was fate, Jacob. Fate.

But naturally, you know, the party went

from the bus back to the house.

'Cause this is your house though,

this is all-- all this is your fault.

Not really mine. Shame on you, buddy.

Shame.

Goddammit, dude.

Anyways, how'd it go with Olivia?

-Not well. -Not well, he says.

She has a boyfriend now.

Well, it's been two years.

I mean, she would be mental

if she didn't move on after that.

I mean, what, she's gonna be single

after two years, moping around?

Oh, I'm so sad, oh, I can't move on.

What? Oh, oh, tell me you don't--

Sorry. No, no, no, I didn't--

- I didn't mean to-- Okay. - Prick.

You did this to yourself, man.

How the fuck did I do this to myself, Mikey?

What, you came up here, you drudged up

all of these old feelings again.

You absolutely did this to yourself.

Like, no one told you to go and talk to her again, man.

Should have just hidden or run away

like a normal ex-boyfriend.

Fuck, you spent so long trying to get over her.

What, you're gonna go back to that again?

Fuck that. This is a party.

There are girls. One, two. One, two.

Come on, man, I'm doing you a favor here.

A favor? You call this--

My Grandpa's house is gonna be trashed

by the end of the night, Mikey.

How is that a favor, you selfish fuck?

Selfish?

Clearly, you're acting

a little bit more sensitive than usual.

I'm sensing a lot of negative energy here, man.

Don't pretend that you're mad about this party.

You're mad that she didn't go back to you.

Are you surprised that "date" didn't go well?

Of course it didn't.

It's your ex fucking girlfriend, man.

-Don't be a dumb cunt. -Don't make this about Olivia.

Uh, you made this about Olivia.

Already one look at her and you're back

to where you were two years ago.

Look, I could understand if she dumped you.

But she didn't. You dumped her.

You're just gonna hurt her again.

You have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, don't I, Jacob? Don't I?

You weren't there for the aftermath, man.

She'd call me in the middle of the night asking

how I can get you guys back together,

or if there was a slither of a chance

to get you guys to be together again?

Do you really want to go through all that again?

Do you really want her to go through that again?

Who gave you the right to make that decision for me?

Uh, you did when you accidentally

bumped into her at the bar.

What?

I've seen you on your phone. The check-ins. All right?

Don't pretend you were here to help your family

sell this house.

You knew she lived here, all right?

You wanted to bump into her.

No, no--

Jacob.

Come on, come on.

All right. Okay.

I wanted to see her again.

Is that so bad, Mike?

Yes. Unequivocally yes.

No good's gonna come from this, man.

I don't need you telling me how much I fucked up, okay?

Clearly I fucking do,

because you're fucking things up for yourself anyway.

-All right, you know what? -What?

- Get out. - Get out?

-Get out of my house. -Where the fuck

-am I meant to go? -Don't care.

What do you mean you don't care?

Just get out, take your party and get the fuck out.

-Jacob-- -Get out, Mike.

Cool.

You guys, too. Get out. Out. Party's over.

You guys, too. Out. Didn't you hear me?

Out.

Ugh.

Nope.

Ugh.

Fuck!

I'm "sarry."

You're "sarry?"

It's like an advanced form of sorry.

Why didn't you tell me you were the one to break up with him?

I just thought it was...

easier.

Easier than what?

I'm sarry.

I just-- I don't understand,

why you couldn't tell me, like, why...

you didn't feel like you could be honest with me.

We're supposed to be best "fwiends."

A higher form of friends.

I just...

He was the perfect guy.

And I don't know what that says about me that...

I didn't want him.

Well,

until you figure it out...

my couch will be there for you.

I'll be there for you.

Aw.

Morning, sunshine.

Max, I'm not in the mood

for your usual cheery banter right now.

Oh, don't be like that.

Do you want me to make you some scramby eggs?

Sure, yes.

No, it's fine, dude, don't worry about it.

Wilco, Skipper.

Hey, I'm here for you.

I want some scramby eggs.

Bad sleep?

Absolute worst of my life.

Well, you know what always makes me feel better?

The news.

Tragedy struck on the roads last night

when a young woman, now known to have been

under the influence of alcohol and Rohypnol,

commonly used as a date rape drug,

crashed into an oncoming vehicle.

It is currently unknown

whether the drug was administered voluntarily

or if she was unaware of its ingestion.

In a horrible coincidence,

the other vehicle involved

was filled with her entire family,

including her dog and mother

who only just last week was declared cancer free.

There were no survivors.

Drugs, drinking, and driving.

The devil's threesome.

When this girl was smoking her weeds earlier...

she wasn't thinking about the consequences

of her actions.

And now her...

sweet, beloved dog...

Pongo...

has had to pay the ultimate price.

Well, one thing is for sure.

If that Rohypnol was administered by a third party,

perhaps a blonde...

...then that person is clearly

a sick, sick individual.

And I feel sorry for anyone

who gets in the way of what she wants.

Sorry, Drew.

Hey, Drew, isn't that girl your beer pong partner?

No, no. Never seen her before.

Just 'cause she's Asian

doesn't mean they all look the same.

God, Max, you're such a racist prick!

I hate you so much with your deep blue eyes,

you think you can just look at me like that!

Well you can't, you can't!

And now a story just came from China.

They have been teaching panda bears to...

You gotta get over her, bro.

Jesus, Abby, don't do that.

Mom told me you ran into her.

She was at the bar.

Man, look at you, stalking her.

It's unhealthy to be this obsessed over someone.

Yeah, I know.

I just don't know what I was thinking.

You know, recently,

every decision I've made has just been the wrong one.

Maybe Mike was right. Maybe I am a dumb cunt.

You're not a dumb cunt.

You obviously still love her

and sometimes love just makes you do crazy things.

Are you okay, Jacob?

You seem pretty blue.

And that's not the Jacob I know.

-I'm all right, Max. -Great.

Can I ask you a question, Jacob?

Sure.

Do you ever feel like there's something

missing from your life?

-What? -You know, like,

there's a big gaping black hole

where your heart should be

and all that's contained inside is just pain,

misery, and regret.

On occasion, yeah.

You know I-- I haven't told you this, Jacob, but...

I was a bit of a sad sack before I found Wynston...

and why, I just don't know what I'd do if I lost him.

And say he started seeing some other guy,

boy, that'd just crush me.

And that's why I don't let a single day go by

where I don't tell him how much he means to me

because that's what you do when you love someone.

Right, Jacob?

Because if you love someone you gotta tell them...

because if you tell them and they don't reciprocate

then that just means that they lost someone who loves them.

And I know that people hurt each other in this crazy,

mixed up world, but gosh darn.

We just gotta decide who's worth hurting for.

They are worth hurting for.

- Do it, Jacob. - You're right, Wynston.

Max.

I know what I have to do now.

Thank you.

Fuck!

Mike, you were right, dude.

About everything.

I'm sorry.

I made a huge mistake when I broke up with Olivia.

I don't want that to happen between us, man.

You're my best friend.

If I lose you I'm just gonna have Drew

and frankly, that's not enough.

Come here.

Look, man, I'm sorry too, all right?

I shouldn't have interfered, buddy, all right?

Should have known you'd fuck things up on your own.

All right, you're good at doing that.

You really are.

But just know when you do fuck up,

I'm always there for you, buddy.

In this shitty-ass motel you made me go to.

-Hm. -If it makes you feel better,

I paid the bill up front with my Dad's credit card.

You shouldn't have done that.

I went to town

on that fucking mini bar last night, and porn?

Forget about it. Every channel.

My dick feels like a used rag.

Hurts all the time.

I went a little hard there, all right?

I'm sorry. Don't stress about it.

Don't stress about it, all right?

Like, just blame your-- blame your grandfather,

- your dad will never know. - My Grandpa?

You think my dad's gonna believe

my Grandpa woke up from the dead,

walked over to this shitty motel,

drank all the booze, and watched--

"The Grinch Stole My Virginity."

Really?

Rip.

Look, in between all that porn I was watching,

all righty, I did have time to think to myself.

And, look,

Olivia called me every single night

after you guys broke up.

I feel like she wouldn't have done that

if she didn't actually love you.

I'm not saying there's a chance.

I'm not saying that, I'm just saying...

talk to her, man, like, just talk.

-Are you serious? -Yeah, like, fuck, look,

I appreciate the fact that you came here and you--

and you apologized to me and I love you for it,

but get your ass out of here and go fucking talk to her.

Leave. Why are you staring at me for?

Fuckin' go.

Fuck.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Come on, tell me. What is it?

No, really.

I-- I am telling you.

Ever since he and I broke up...

I haven't been sleeping well...

'cause...

when I'm sleeping...

we're still together...

but that was the best night's sleep I've--

I've had in months.

I'll get it.

Hello, kind sir.

My name is Brother Martin and this is my associate, Kyle.

Howdy, would you happen to have any goats

in this establishment, by any chance?

Okay. No, no, no, I thought we agreed I would do the talking.

You can't just ask straight up if they have the goat.

Why not? That's why we're here.

-That's what we want. -I know that's why we're here,

but they're not just gonna give us a goat straight away.

We gotta say we're goat food salesmen.

That is so true.

I have plenty of goat food. Please and thank you.

So you do have a goat?

-He has a goat. -No.

We see you!

Hello, lover.

Oh, God, no.

Abby, we need to talk.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

I figured we can get married under the aurora borealis,

go honeymooning in Alaska,

and shoot some bears just to really feel alive.

Okay, Abby, no.

This-- all of this,

everything, needs to stop.

-Please. -Come on, Drew.

Abby, I cannot make this more clear.

You need to move on.

Find someone else to terrify.

You scare the shit out of me.

Look, you're a really pretty girl

and I'm sure you could get any guy that you want.

You think I'm pretty?

Did you not hear anything else that I just said?

That I could have any guy I want and that's you!

No, that's not what I said.

That's exactly what you said.

Getting up now.

You are freakishly strong.

It's my feelings that are strong, Drew.

I have pretty strong feelings, too,

but very different ones.

I knew you felt the same way.

No, I don't.

Can you hear that?

What?

The sounds of the rest of our lives together?

How can you hear that? That's not a sound.

Wait a minute.

I think I do hear it.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Haha, what the fuck?

Can you hear it, Drew? Can you hear the heartbeat?

Are demon's hearts in their stomachs?

Not mine. The baby's.

That's funny.

That almost sounded like you said the baby's.

That's right, Drew.

Our baby.

What sorcery is this?

Oh, Drew.

Mike told me all about your little trip

to the sperm bank and the present

you left just for me.

I can feel the seed growing inside of me.

It's already taken hold.

I can't wait for us to be a family.

Hey, apron man! Come on, open the door!

I just want to eat your skin.

Oh, paddlepops.

Those awful Satanists have come to kill you.

What do we do? Uh, uh, okay, the police.

Wait. No, I can't call the police.

Officer Lee Aaron will arrest me for speeding,

stealing, lying, swearing at an officer,

and fleeing from a scene.

You'll feel Satan's hot, lusty steam.

One minute!

Okay, uh, uh,

Jacob is out completing his character arc,

uh, Mikey's gone, uh, Drew and Abby are occupied.

-Uh, who else can we call? -What's that, Lucifer?

Yeah, you want that goat?

I'll get it. Don't worry.

No. No, I can't.

Please give it to me.

The wound is still fresh.

No, I still have my pride.

I wanna feel your soul in me.

Okay. For you.

Let-- let's just--

Oh, God.

-Well, who is it? -It's him.

What do I do?

What do you mean, what do I do?

Well, do I answer it? What do I do?

Don't rope me into this please.

Too late. You're roped. Help me.

Okay, Skye, simple question.

Do you want to answer it?

Oh, that bitch!

First she breaks my heart

and now she won't help my goat?

I guess it's up to you and me, buddy.

I just wanna spill your blood all over me.

Give me the little cute goat.

I just want it so bad.

-Jacob. -Olivia, don't say anything.

I never stopped thinking about you.

When I ended things I was--

I thought I was doing the right thing...

but I was so hung up on doing the right thing

that I never thought about doing what felt right.

And it never felt right not being with you.

I was such a coward for not admitting that to myself.

Jacob, I--

It's Tyler!

This fucking guy?

- Tyler. - Look, Olivia.

You're smarter than this, okay?

Even back then you tried to tell me

what I was doing was wrong.

What we had, people go their entire lives

looking for and don't find,

and if you have that with him,

just let me know right now

and I'll let it go.

I'll let you go.

-Jacob. -No, Olivia...

Maybe this might change your mind.

I love you.

Oh, ow, what the fuck?

Dude, step off.

She's in a relationship.

What is your damage, little boy?

You didn't even wait for her to say yes or not.

It's called a microaggression, brother.

- Olivia, I-- - Look, buddy,

I know you're probably going through some crippling

emotional existential crisis right now,

but that doesn't give you the right

to go around kissing girls

when they give you no indication

that they even wanted it.

If you'll excuse me...

I have to go finish baking some cookies.

For the orphans...

who are moving into the orphanage...

that I just built.

Jacob, what are you doing?

I don't know.

I just thought...

that if there was a chance that you still loved me,

I had to take it.

Sorry, Jacob.

Why the long face, friend?

You know, a problem shared is a problem halved.

You know, I really tried to make things right today.

For the both of us.

What me and Olivia had...

look, I'm not stupid.

I know that eventually I'll get over her...

maybe even find someone else.

One day I'm gonna wake up

and I'm not gonna feel the same way about her.

But that's what I'm afraid of.

I don't want to let go of her.

I want to hold on to her for as long as I can...

even if it's just in my head and my heart.

You know, I was in love with a girl once.

Yeah, it didn't work out.

And it really felt like the pain would never end.

Hi.

Hi.

Mind if I sit down?

Sure.

Jacob.

Skye.

Are you...

here with anyone?

I couldn't help but notice the classic

heart to heart with the bartender.

No, no.

Hence why I'm drinking at 11:30 in the morning.

Rough day, huh?

Well, I don't know if you can tell,

but I actually have a black eye.

Oh, yeah.

How'd that happen?

I made the egregious error of offending...

a pretty good guy.

Well, he can't be that great

if he punched you in the face.

Well, he was baking cookies

for orphans when he did it, so...

This story is making me feel very conflicted.

Conflicted?

You want conflicted, talk to this guy.

Conflict city.

Well, I--

I think I have you beat.

I recently broke up with someone.

Okay, okay, even playing field so far.

Well, much to the dismay of my parents

and literally everyone who knew us...

because really he--

he's such a nice guy.

Like, absurdly pleasant.

Yeah, yeah, I-- I think I know the type.

Yeah, well, the feeling...

the feeling just wasn't there...

after four years.

It took me four years to admit

I wasn't happy with this perfect guy...

and it made me wonder, you know...

what's wrong with me?

Maybe you just weren't right for each other,

I mean, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

Yeah, tell that to my parents.

Look, you seem okay to me.

Yeah.

Maybe not wrong.

But different.

I'm...

I'm not the same person I thought I was...

or who my parents hoped I was.

It's taken me a long time to admit that.

Well, you know, sometimes in life you just gotta

roll with the punches, you know?

That was atrocious.

I'm glad you find my mental

and physical pain hilarious.

So, you think you have me beat?

Well, I mean, look, you seem pretty content so far

and I'm not, so.

Clearly. Hence the drinking at 11:30.

Ugh, well, you see that's the only thing

that lets me feel.

Aw.

You sound like me maybe, 12 hours ago?

Does that mean that I'm gonna be okay in 12 hours?

I guess that depends who you spend it with.

Yeah, well, I mean, maybe we could--

What are you doing?

It looked like it was going really well.

It was.

So what's the problem?

He's not you.

Oh, hey, guys. Are we leaving?

Uh, yeah. Are you-- are you coming?

Uh, yeah, uh, just finishing up some gardening.

All right, okay. Cool.

Get in.

Yeah.

In-- get in the car.

Whities in the back, fam!

I'd punch you both, but that would be a hate crime.

Budge up, budge up.

Hi, daddy.

Jacob.

-Jacob. -I'm driving.

Mike.

- Mike. - Can't hear you, fam.

But Mom!