Original subtitles

All my life I had been looking for my prince,

you know, someone deep, someone sweet

who could make me laugh.

Ashlee and me talked on the phone all night.

And I totally cracked her up with my witty jokes and funny noises.

And then we finally met.

And right from the very first second, our chemistry was like, "hello?"

And we're both really sensitive.

We got this kind of artsy-fartsy thing going.

So one day, we made a painting.

Everything we do together is fun.

Fuck you, Dylan and Ashlee.

Jorge, Jorge, we've been over this before. You can't smoke in Debby's.

No, man, I think you can.

I'm... I'm manager here. I'm fairly well-versed in the rules.

Come on, buddy, put it out.

Don't you ever bend the rules?

No.

Corporate puppet.

How's your... food?

Saturday night. We're gonna do it.

We are gonna do it.

Getting paid and laid tonight, baby. Paid... and laid.

I don't even know what that means.

It means what we want it to mean. Okay?

It means what we want it...

to mean, you dig?

No, I don't dig.

Ricky, what is with you? Come on, quit being such a buzzkill.

Now grab your cock. Put on some socks.

'Cause we're gonna do this town up and do it right, señorita.

Paid and laid. We're doing it.

- How exactly are we doing it? - Oh, I don't know, numero uno, hog...

got you out of the house, so there's that. W's a W.

I'm back where I work. It's a lateral move at best.

All right, well, look, that's just round one of the festivities.

You're not gonna believe round two. Ricky. Ricky. Ricky?

- You're not gonna believe round two. - Please stop repeating things. Please?

So when do you go into production?

I'm really, really not in the mood. Nope.

When do you go into production?

Next month.

Great. So you're going to production on your motion picture next month?

Is it fully cast yet?

No. No, it is... it is not fully cast yet.

We're still, we're still looking for our two, lead actresses.

Wow. Well, just fantastic.

That's just... that's just super. That's just deluxe.

Now do they have to be well-known, or...

Do they have to be... Ricky. Hey. Ricky!

Do they have to be well-known, these actresses?

No. No, we're, we're actually looking for two total newcomers.

This makes me happy, as the film's director,

because I like working with fresh faces, so...

Me too, as the movie's executive producer, I...

Hey, man.

I can't work Saturday. Can I get a double next week?

Oh, sure, no problem.

You know what? These broken-down fillies

are just gonna get in the way of round two anyhow.

Round two, baby. Round two.

Doing it long, doing it strong.

Maybe we should just shoot each other.

Hey, you seem a bit down, man. What up, hog?

It's Saturday night and I'm with you.

Not for long, baby. Not for long.

- So when do you go into production? - Gary Kless is getting married.

- I just got the invitation. - Yeah, me too. Who cares?

Oh, what's that? The actresses don't need to be fresh faces?

That leaves just you and me, just you and me.

We are the only two freaks from high school to never be married.

Can I ask you a question? How the hell do you even know that?

I keep track on Facebook and Twitter. God, Gary is so lucky. Man.

That's weird. You know, I thought that you get your period at the end of the month.

Men shouldn't be jealous of other men getting married.

- Men should be jealous of us. - Oh, I strongly disagree.

Jesus, is this why you've been Captain Negativo all night?

'Cause that fat bastard Gary Kless is getting married?

There was this guy on Dr. Phil who said that it's as likely for a woman over 40

to be hit by lightning or killed by a terrorist than meet a husband.

What if the same thing goes for men?

What if Gary just got lucky and he made a pact with God and/or Satan?

You watch Dr. Phil?

I can't go to another one of these weddings alone. It's just too depressing.

You're not gonna be going alone, okay, man?

- You're gonna be going with me. - That's not comforting.

What is wrong with you? Haven't you seen "Wedding Crashers"?

Come on, all those losers in our class are married up.

We're gonna be cleaning up bigger than Owen Wilson and Vinnie Vaughn!

Hot filly, 3:00.

I forgot my compass.

She's right over there. Look, look at her, right over there.

Okay, that girl is 17, tops.

So what? It means she's single.

- You'd have sex with an underage girl? - I'm not a monster. No.

I'd take her out for cookies and milkshakes until the day she turned 13,

and then plow her.

Sorry I misjudged you.

I should have proposed to Roz when we were together.

You dated her in high school.

I had no idea there were so few good ones after that. Nobody tells you that.

It's like in hockey, you know, when your team makes it to the finals

and loses, everybody says, "Hey, you know, don't worry,

we'll get 'em next year," you know? What if there is no next year?

What if there's no other Roz and I never make it

to the Stanley Cup Finals of love ever again?

Okay, if you hadn't mentioned hockey there,

that would have been the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Come on, man. Get your game face on, D-O-G. We got a wedding to crash.

First of all, we were invited.

Second of all, all of our friends are married. There are no single women.

- What about the... - She's 17!

We don't know that for a fact! Gee, would you... okay, you know what?

Just... I'm... I'm going in, okay? I'm going in.

Please, God,

help me find my soul mate before I'm hit by a lightning or killed by a terrorist.

Oh, hey, Kings won. Attaboy, Kopitar.

Oh, three goals and two assists. You're on fire.

NHL.com has pop-up ads for EHappily?

What the hell? They never have before.

You have no responses.

Yeah.

Hey, man.

Hey, Jorge. Just checking the hockey scores. What's up?

I'm gonna need next Saturday off, too. I'm getting married.

- What? - Yeah, I know.

My mother, she's been on my case. "You're 27, you bum. What are you waiting for?"

- 27 really isn't that old. - So can I have Saturday off or what?

- No. - What?

Oh, I'm sorry. I meant, yes, of course.

Of course.

Jorge?

- Where did you meet her? - Who?

Your bride, where did you meet her?

EHappily, man. It's... surprisingly effective.

You have one response.

- You found your wife? - Yeah, last night.

You went cruising without me?

We've never cruised, and I didn't have to go anywhere.

- Found her on my computer. - Oh. What porn site?

It wasn't a porn... EHappily, I joined last week.

- What do you mean you joined it? - I don't think I was being cryptic.

I joined EHappily last week to meet my soul mate, and it worked.

Poor, sweet, crazy bastard you.

I have never been more sane. This woman is perfect for me, perfect.

She loves all the same things I do...

hockey, cats, Albert Brooks movies, spooning after sex.

All right, whatever. What does she look like?

I don't know. Oh, and you should see the emails that she wrote to me.

Funny, smart, sweet...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. Just back up. Hold the phone.

What do you mean you don't know what she looks like?

She didn't post a picture for some reason.

Well, that's a real puzzler. It's 'cause she's a dude.

She's a dude, Ricky. Or she looks like a dude.

No. That's...

Listen, hoggy-dog, there's only one reason that a woman wouldn't post a picture.

It's 'cause, God bless her, she's obviously hideous.

No, there's a million reasons that she might not post a picture.

No, there's one. One. She looks like Shrek.

Oh, you know what? And so what if she does?

Did you learn nothing from that movie? It's what's inside that counts.

Yeah, in fairytales, you idiot. Not real life.

Her name's Danita. A beautiful name.

I've never heard that name before. Danita.

You sure it isn't Dan... ita?

Like Dan... like that's her last... like Dan Ita?

- Can't you just be happy for me? - Come on, you've never even met this person.

I am tomorrow night. I'm meeting her at the Black Cat for drinks.

Don't do this, okay? Please, Ricky, don't do this.

I have to, Seth. Danita's my destiny.

Okay.

Might wanna bring a condom for Dan just in case.

Shut up.

- What the hell is that on your head? - What are you doing here?

I'm here for backup, dawg, you know, in case the dude tries to rob you.

Will you please stop calling her a dude?

Why are you wearing shoe polish on your head? Bald is beautiful, baby.

It's not shoe polish. And bald is beautiful, not balding.

True dat. True dat. Okay, look, I'll be here at the bar.

Now if she turns out... see, I said "she" this time.

If she turns out to be a psycho, just wave or cough or something like that,

and I'll stroll by and I'll say that your mother died

and you're needed at the cemetery, okay?

I'm gonna go to the table. Please leave. Please?

Ricky, Ricky, you're my primo amigo. Come on, you've never met this woman before.

I just wanna be here to make sure everything goes okay.

Thanks, man.

Ricky? Ricky?

You didn't... you didn't say that I'm... that I'm your primo ami...

I just... I just said that you're my pri...

Good luck, bitch.

Ricky?

- Ricky Miller? - How do you know my name?

I'm Danita, your date.

Holy shit!

Of... of course. Of course, you're my date.

Yeah, unless you're expecting somebody else,

and you're already cheating on me, you bastard.

No, no, I would never do that.

Okay. Sorry to have called you a bastard.

It's... it's okay.

You look a bit different than your picture.

Ni... I mean, better.

You too, much better, since you didn't have one.

I... I really look better than my picture?

Yeah.

I knew it was a good idea to use a picture of Steve Buscemi.

- He's an offbeat-looking actor. - Oh, no, I know who he is.

Yeah, he was in "Fargo." He was Mr. Pink in "Reservoir Dogs."

That was funny, Ricky. Steve Buscemi.

So are you gonna ask me to sit down?

No, no, keep standing. This seems to be working for me.

I can't believe one of your cats is named Sidney Crosby.

I told you I love hockey, field hockey and ice.

Am I dreaming this?

Oh, I hope not, 'cause then we'd both would be dreaming

and, well, then it would be like that movie "Inception," and I walked out of that.

- I hated that movie, too. - Really?

- Yeah. - Wow, I thought I was the only one.

No, no, I... I hated it, too. I hated it.

God, you know, everything tonight has been so perfect.

Could you jab me in the eye with your spoon or set my arm on fire?

I just wanna make sure that this is really happening.

How about I do this?

Holy shit!

Could you excuse me for a second? I'm just gonna...

slip into something more comfortable.

Go home.

She is like uber movie-star hottie. Is she crazy or just retarded?

Neither. She just likes me.

No. No, no, no. No. There has to be a reason.

But are you positive she can see? Like, out of both eyes?

Okay. I am begging you, go home. You're ruining this.

Okay, okay, okay. Look, just do me one favor, okay? If... if she's retarded,

can you see if she has any other retarded friends who look like her?

Stop saying "retarded." It's actually offensive.

- What, are we on "Oprah" here? - Bye. Good night. Good night.

It's very vexing, dawg.

There's gotta be a reason. There's a reason.

I thought you were gonna slip into something more comfortable.

Yeah, yeah, but I looked in the mirror and decided I was... the bomb.

Also off the hook, as the kids say.

- Do kids still say that? - Yeah, kids over 39.

- You're funny. - Funny how?

Like, what do you mean funny? Like, funny like a clown?

Sorry. Oh, my God. Sorry, I'm just... I'm trying too hard.

I'm nervous.

You're nervous with me?

Are you retarded?

I'm... I'm so... I'm sorry.

It's just that you're... you're gorgeous and amazing.

- Why the hell are you here? - Excuse me?

Why would you choose someone like me?

I was just blown away by your EHappily profile.

But I used my real picture, and I wrote down my real job.

Can we just go back to your place now?

Yeah. Okay.

Good idea. Thanks.

Oh, that was amazing.

I've never seen a man weep and climax at the same time before.

Thank you.

It's just I've been waiting my whole life for somebody like you.

Well, exactly like you.

- Right. - No, I'm serious.

You're... you're smart, and you're sweet, and you're Maxim-cover beautiful,

and it's like you don't even know it.

You love the hockey and cats and Albert Brooks

and you get my jokes about obscure homely actors.

You're amazing, Danita. You're beyond amazing. You're amazing-tastic.

Well, you're not too bad yourself.

You asked me before why I chose you. Do you still wanna know?

I'm... not sure.

You're the only one who said yes to a date.

- Yeah, right. - Yeah. I didn't post a picture, remember?

You're the only one who wanted to go out with me

even though you didn't know what I looked like.

Wow, so all those sitcoms and beer commercials are wrong?

It does pay to have depth?

Holy shit-balls, I have to go.

"Holy shit-balls." I like that.

I would love to see you again.

I hope you wanna see me again, too.

Yeah, I think I'm leaning towards that, yeah.

I'm sorry. I have to go.

- Say hi to your cats when they wake up. - Say hi to yours.

And put on ESPN and text me when you know the hockey scores.

You're incredible.

Wow. Do you have Alzheimer's?

I have Love-heimer's.

Why can't you single knock like a normal person?

Hey.

You haven't returned any of my calls or texts all day. What the heck happened?

With what?

Now don't you be coy. Come on, I need details, dawg.

Don't make me beg. Look, I never thought I'd be living vicariously through you.

Last night was unbelievable. No, no, it was better than that.

We stayed in bed and talked all night. It was just like Dylan and Ashlee.

Who the fuck are Dylan... wait, hold on a sec.

You slept with that piece of... lady?

- You slept with her? - Yes, and it was great.

And I'm not even talking about the sex, although, holy crap, that was good.

Okay, okay. What the hell is going on?

What the hell is going... what's going on?

She's like a ten, right?

Well, I don't assign women numbers.

No, she's... she's a ten. That girl is a ten.

You're... no offense, Ricky, you're like a four.

And you know, if you're a four, she's like a 20.

It's because I went out with her without knowing what she looked like,

and because she thought the profile I wrote was sweet and real.

You're so naive, it's adorable.

I'm sorry I couldn't meet you for dinner.

Oh, no, no, lunch is fine. I look better around noon anyway.

Not... not even joking about that, actually.

It is just that nights aren't always great. It's when I paint.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that is so cool.

You know, I've never actually dated an artist.

There are actually a lot of professions of which I have not dated a woman.

Did I just say "of which?"

Hey, ask first.

- I'm not a piece of meat. - Yes, you are.

You know, I really do think that it's great that you're an artist.

I mean, what is that like?

I prefer to talk about your job.

Why?

I'm just sure it's interesting.

You know, you manage staff and try to make customers happy.

No, it actually isn't at all. You're gonna have to trust me on that.

- Then why do you do it? - I guess I prefer it to being homeless.

I... okay, I started out as a waiter thinking I'd be an artist,

well, a writer, but, you know, it didn't work out.

Why not?

Well, you know, the... the book industry is just so corrupt.

It's all who you know.

I've never heard that before.

Yeah, yeah. It's like every son or daughter of a famous author has a book deal.

Like who?

There's... there's... there's...

Mark Hemingway,

and... and there's... there's Kevin Grisham.

Yeah, yeah, I made those up. I'm sorry.

Okay, the truth is that I only wrote one book and I didn't even finish it.

You don't have to talk about this if you don't want.

Thank you so much.

You know, actually,

I do feel comfortable talking to you about my writing.

Or non-writing.

I feel like I could tell you anything.

God, sorry, that's a stupid thing to say on the second date.

No, no, no, I thought it was sweet.

- A little pathetic, but sweet. - Yeah.

No, seriously, I loved it.

See?

- You really are the perfect woman. - Oh, I don't know about that.

Yeah, you are. You are. Trust me.

Hey, Saturday night.

We're gonna do it. We are gonna do it.

Come on, time to get paid and laid, Ricky. Paid and...

Come on, it's been almost nine days. I can't believe you're not over this chick yet.

Ten days. It's been ten days.

And stop saying "paid and laid." It doesn't mean anything!

- Yes, it does. - No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't.

Is somebody gonna pay us for sex? What the fuck does it mean, cowboy?

I don't know, it's just... something I say to keep things light and airy.

Did you just call me "cowboy," Ricky? Rick... Rick, are you drunk?

- Yes, I believe so. - Hey, you don't drink.

I do now, hog. I do now.

I still don't know what the hell happened.

I was... the perfect woman pops into my life,

I tell her she's perfect, and she runs away faster than...

Who's a fast woman? Flo-Jo!

Oh, shit, she's dead, isn't she?

- I'm gonna make you some coffee, man. - No, I don't want coffee! I want Danita!

I finally met a woman who makes me feel that... that magical thing

that assholes brag about at parties.

Please, God, don't take her away from me,

not after I've waited for so long.

You're out of coffee. Swiss Miss?

- It's Danita. - What?

It's Danita.

That's twice, God.

Shit, you're good.

Hey.

Hi.

You're not gonna run out again, are you?

Because this time, I'll just order an appetizer.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no, it's okay. I was just trying to diffuse an awkward moment.

Now I'm gonna try to diffuse this one.

I like you, Ricky. I really like you. I really, really, really like you.

And that is the most reallys I've ever said in one sentence.

Really? Me too. It's funny because I always hated those movies

where the couple falls in love right away,

but now I know that it just pissed me off because it never happened to me.

I'm married.

You said I was perfect, Ricky. I'm not perfect. I'm a... I'm a jerk.

- Yeah... - No, I know it was wrong. I know.

Look, I've been married nine years, nine miserable years,

and just one day, I was at my friend Anna's place.

She's on EHappily, and I saw your profile, and it was so vulnerable.

So wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve sweet.

You said you've been waiting all your life to meet your heart-ner,

and what a sweet word, that even though you were born agnostic,

you prayed to God that she was still out there.

Wow. You really did read my profile.

It got to me.

And I thought, no, maybe I don't have to be miserable.

And I just joined so I could meet you.

I just pretended to be single and an artist.

I just pretended to be the person I used to be back when I was...

still alive and...

Do you really have cats?

Yes. Two.

Sidney Crosby and Chairman Meow.

Cool. That's all I cared about.

Now can you just get a divorce and marry me by 6:00 tonight?

You're great. You're so great, you know that?

I can never see you again, Ricky.

Look, you don't know my husband.

He'll just... he'll never allow me to leave him,

never allow a great man like him to be embarrassed.

Who cares if his precious ego is bruised?

You are miserable, and we should be together.

He'd kill me.

He would kill me. He said that again and again.

"If you ever walk out that door, you ungrateful bitch, I will kill you."

Only he didn't say it quite as nice.

- Jesus. - Yeah, he's a bad guy, Ricky.

He's a bad guy. I didn't know that when I met him, but, God...

he'd kill both of us right now if he saw us together.

That's interesting.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ricky.

You're... you're the one, and I can never see you again.

My hickory grilled chicken sandwich isn't hickory enough.

Am I not speaking English? I said it lacked hickory.

Well... that's life.

I'm sorry... sir.

You... wanted more of something, and you're disappointed.

- Hurts, doesn't it? - That's a little melodramatic.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, holy shit-balls.

Yes. Yeah, yeah.

I will meet you anywhere. Where?

God, is it good to see you.

I wanted to meet you here.

This is my happy place.

I knew you'd love it, too.

They show movies up on that wall,

over the graves of dead movie stars.

- They don't mind? - No one's said anything.

Guess what movie they're playing tonight, Ricky.

- I... - Guess.

"Cool Runnings"?

I'm really bad at guessing.

- "Lost in America." - That's my favorite movie.

OMG, you read my whole profile.

Tonight was great. I'm so happy you called.

Beyond happy. I'm exultant.

I don't think I've ever used that word before.

I couldn't stop thinking about you.

I can't go back to my old life now. I deserve to be happy. I...

- I deserve someone like you. - Damn right you do.

So when are you gonna tell your husband you're gonna leave him?

Christ, how are you gonna tell him you're gonna leave him?

I'm not gonna tell him.

- But... - We have to kill him, Ricky.

That's the only way we can ever be together.

Yeah, okay.

- Danita wants me to kill her husband. - Pardon?

She said that if she ever tried to leave him, he would find her and kill her.

Wow, what an asshole.

Well, at least you got a chance to say good-bye to her?

- No, no, I'm gonna do it. - Do what?

Kill her husband.

Ricky...

- you've never even killed a spider. - Oh, it doesn't have to be violent.

You know, I could kill him with pills or a lethal injection or something.

Lethal... lethal injection? And you have access to lethal injection?

You know, I'm sorry, I can't even believe we're having this discussion right now.

Hey, O.J., how about this? Have you thought about this?

- What if you get caught? - So what?

So what? So what?

I'm lonely, and I work at a place called Debby's.

What exactly am I clinging onto here?

Ricky, sit down. Have a seat. Sit.

I want you to take six deep breaths in and out,

- and go to the bathroom and take a leak. - What'll that do?

I don't know, but you're talking crazy right now.

I'm not. I've never met anyone like Danita.

And I'll never meet anyone like Danita again. To think anything else would be crazy.

Ricky, Ricky, she's married, and she wants you to kill her husband.

I know, but everything else is perfect.

Look, when you meet your soul mate and you're in your 40s,

not everything's gonna be ideal. There's always gonna be baggage.

This is more than baggage, all right?!

Sorry, I made my mind up. I'm gonna kill this mofo.

Ricky, I want you to do me a favor, okay? I want you to go home and sleep on it, okay?

Just... just sleep on it. We'll talk about it tomorrow night over doughnuts.

There's nothing to sleep on. Besides, I'm not gonna let that angel

be held prisoner in that monster's home anymore.

I'm gonna do it with or without your help.

My help?

What the hell's that supposed to mean? What do you mean by that, "my help"?

Well, I just... I just figured you would help me since, you know...

you're my primo amigo, too.

Okay, dawg, I'm in, but you're gonna owe me big.

Thanks for opening up my world. I've never been to a juice bar before.

You sure it was okay to leave work?

I'm the manager. I have a lot of clout, but I try not to let it go to my head.

I thought we should talk now. Ben's at work and...

- Ben? - My husband.

Oh, you've never actually said his name before.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah, of course.

You don't have to do this.

No, no, it was just... it was easier when you didn't have a name,

when it was just your evil husband who "will kill me if I ever leave."

I don't want you to do this. I can't believe I even asked you to do this.

It's just I needed to get away from him and be with you and...

It's okay, sweetheart. Please don't be upset. I still wanna kill him.

- Really? - Yes, very much.

Oh, I love you.

- I love you more. - I love you more.

I love you more plus six.

You knocked like a human being. Is anything wrong?

There's something you need to see, man. Something you need to see right now.

What's that?

It's an old movie with William Hurt and Kathleen Turner,

you know... back when she used to look like a chick.

- Yeah, I know, it's "Body Heat." - "Body Heat."

Yeah. I saw that movie with you, remember? When neither of us could get dates?

It's time to watch it again, baby.

Wow. Wow.

That really holds up. You know, lots of twists, and it's compelling.

- It's well-written... - Okay, thank you, Rex Reed.

She pretended to fall in love with a guy

so he would kill her husband who she said was a bad guy,

but I actually thought was quite nice as played by Richard Crenna,

- and then she set him up for the murder! - Look, I trust Danita, okay?

- William Hurt trusted Katherine Turner! - Well, he shouldn't have.

I mean, she was being all crude and mysterious from the first second,

and there was all that saxophone music.

Okay. Come on, man. You're not the least bit dubious, dawg?

Some ten just rolls into your life

and then tells you all this crazy shit about her evil, jealous husband?!

But then, wait a minute... oh, yeah,

she has a bunch of time to hang out with you, so that's pretty weird.

Well, you know, he obviously works, and she sneaks out during the day.

Oh, okay. But wait, hold on a second.

Did you guys... you guys went on a date, right?

That was at night, so... and then...

oh, you slept together, which that happens at nighttime.

So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about right now.

Well, maybe... maybe he was working at night or he was out of town or...

he went to sleep earl... You just can't stand to see me happy, can you?

No, Ricky, I do not trust this woman.

Okay, you don't trust any woman.

No, no, no, I don't trust some woman who wants you to kill her husband!

I trust her completely and I am not gonna let your negativity

creep into my mind like a Trojan horse virus.

That's a really bad computer virus I once got in my laptop. You hear me?

- I gotta talk to you. - I'm working.

- You came to my office. During tax season. - It's the lunch rush, for God's sake.

Look, I followed Danita after you met her. I went to her house.

- I saw her husband. - Yeah?

He's a rabbi.

What?

Her monster husband Ben is a rabbi.

How the hell do you know he's a rabbi?

Well, he was wearing one of those Jewish hats, the Yamaha.

He's wearing a yarmulke. That's how you know he's a rabbi?

Okay, don't talk down to me, hog. I'm not an idiot.

I know what I'm doing. I followed him to a bookstore.

- Okay, you're starting to lose me here. - You didn't let me finish.

I followed him to a bookstore. He used to be a rabbi.

Now he writes mystery novels about a crime-solving rabbi.

He was doing a book signing.

Her evil husband is a mystery-novel-writing former rabbi?

I even read one of his books in one sitting. Could not put it down.

I can't believe a retired rabbi has gotten published and I...

Look, this doesn't change anything, you know?

He could still be a monster. You know, authors can be egotistical pricks,

- and a lot of clergymen are evil molesters. - Well, no, hold on a second. No, no, no.

There aren't any molesting rabbis. Only priests do that.

Yeah, yeah, you know, maybe this all makes sense now.

Yeah, she said that he was this great man, you know,

who wouldn't allow her to embarrass him,

and now we see that he's this... published author,

this evil monstrous,

wife-threatening published author.

Or... or he's just a nice guy, like Richie Crenna in "Body Heat,"

just a nice loaded guy who she wants you to kill

so she can take all his money and make you take the rap, Ricky.

- This is stupid. - No, it isn't, okay?

- We have to know this guy isn't Hitler. - We can tell he's Hitler from a book signing?

I can. I can read people. I'm an accountant.

You know, it's probably not a good idea for you to be here.

He can't see you in that you're the guy pulling the trigger.

I haven't decided I'm gonna shoot him.

Shoot him, poison him, trip him, whatever you wanna do.

- Trip him? - I don't know, down a flight of stairs.

You can't talk about this in public. What are you doing? What are you doing?

You're right. Right. Good call. Good call.

Thank you.

- Hey, Mr. Jacobs. - Oh, please, call me Ben.

- Okay, Ben. - Yeah, any fan of mine is also a friend.

That's really a cool way of looking at things.

Seriously, I wouldn't be anywhere without my loyal readers.

Right, right. Yeah, I guess... I guess you wouldn't.

Do you think it's okay to kill a woman if she leaves you?

What? No.

- No. No. - Why would you ask such a question?

I don't know, just making small talk. Would you sign this? Make it out to Seth.

Yeah.

- There you go, man. - Bye, Ben.

We still don't know he's not Hitler.

Hitler doesn't sign books with a smiley face.

Well, what do you expect him to do?

I mean, foam at the mouth and rotate his head 360 degrees?

No, but when I asked him if it's okay for a man to kill a woman if she's left him,

he said he was against it. so...

He's obviously not gonna admit that he's okay with...

All right, look, Ricky, she's already lied to you once.

How do you know she's not lying about this, too?

I don't think she'd lie to me twice.

If... if I could just see them together... I'd know.

You see? Now that's a good idea. We'll just plant the camera in her house.

- You know how to do that? - No, I do not.

But, you know, I saw this show once where they setup a nanny cam.

Oh, my God, the bitch was shaking the baby, stealing money. It was a complete disaster.

We just break into her house and set one up.

You know how to break into somebody's home?

You know, it's easy to piss on every plan.

- I'm sorry? - Thank you.

- You sure they come here? - Positive.

I went on benjacobs.com. It says he brings his wife here every Saturday night.

That guy's a millionaire and he takes her to Olive Garden?

We should kill him just for that.

This ain't Olive Garden, hog. It's Pimento Garden.

- How do they get away with that? - I don't know.

Great. Looks like they're not here yet. You remember the plan, right?

Plan. We hide our faces in menus and spy on them.

It's a great plan. You can make anything sound ridiculous by short-handing it.

- Let's just go. - No, no, no, no way, amigo.

Look, we gotta make sure that she's not a femme fatal like Kathleen Turner.

It's "femme fatale," and she's not like Kathleen Turner.

Whatever. Sharon Stone, Denise Richards, whatever you want.

- Denise Richards? - Yeah, in "Wild Things."

- I don't remember that movie. - You never saw "Wild Things"?

Oh, my goodness. It's her and Neve Campbell making out in a pool. It was a classic. No?

Hey, how are you?

- Hi. It's Seth, right? - Yeah, Seth.

Yeah. Honey, this guy just came to a book signing.

I never forget the face of a fan. How you doing?

I can't believe a big-time author like you eats here, too. What a coincidence.

What a small world. It's... it's a small world, isn't it, Ricky?

It's very small. It's very small.

Okay, well, hey, it was really great running into you, Ben.

We'll let you get back to having dinner in private with your wife, so bye-bye.

Wait, wait, nonsense.

- Why don't you two join us? - Pardon?

It's not every day an author gets to converse with one of his fans.

And besides, you deserve a free meal just for reading my books.

So what do you say? All right? Great. Come on.

Good times.

Okay. Okay. Okay. So, Seth, tell me what it is you like best about my books.

And please, do not spare a single detail.

Unless, of course, it's negative.

I like everything about them. The suspense, the surprise twists, the characters.

Yeah, I love how the killer is always the most unassuming, unlikely...

Were you born in L.A.?

Were you born in...

Los Angeles?

- Was anybody? - Right?

Right. Well, I was. And Seth, too.

Well, not Los Angeles, per Se, but Sherman Oaks.

I'm from Pittsburgh originally.

You know, I first met Danita at a Pimento Garden.

She was a waitress there

and I proposed to her on a Saturday night.

And we've been coming back to one every Saturday since,

no matter where we've lived.

I didn't know that.

Why... I mean, Why... why would... why would he know... that's what...

what you mean is why would he know... it's very romantic is what...

It's very romantic. Isn't that romantic, Ricky?

It's very romantic.

You have been awfully quiet tonight, honey.

No, I'm just listening.

No, well, you can talk, too. I mean, it's allowed.

- Thanks. - No, I'm a modern man.

Yes, that you are.

Modern enough to give his beautiful wife a little kiss in public.

Let's order!

Sorry.

Me hungry like a sumbitch.

That was great.

Benny, you sure that Ricky and I can't at least kick in for the Cherry Pepsis?

Out of the question. My treat, please.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

What a nice guy.

Yeah, I guess it's nice being a millionaire writer,

never having to worry about money.

Oh, well, it wasn't always like that, believe me.

I mean, I took me years and years to make it as a writer.

See, Ricky, I told you, it's never too late.

Ricky wrote a really cool book, and then he just quit.

Oh. It's a shame.

No, I didn't... I didn't... I didn't write a book and I didn't quit.

I just got, you know, 80 pages into one a long time ago

and then I got a real job.

Well, I would love to read it.

- Excuse me? - I would love to read your 80 pages, Ricky.

Here, I'll give you my card.

You can send it over and give me a call in a few days,

and I'll give you some feedback.

Go on, take it. It's okay.

I can't believe the man I'm supposed to kill is gonna read my work.

I knew she was lying.

- We still don't know that. - What?

Look, the whole point of tonight was to watch the two of them together,

and she did seem uncomfortable around him.

What are you talking about?

When he tried to kiss her, she was uncomfortable, and he kept going.

- He practically tongue-raped her. - Oh, whatever.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, I met a woman on EHappily, too.

She's really hot. Or her picture is.

Oh, and if we go on a date and by chance you happen to run into us,

she sort of thinks that I am an astronaut.

- Hello? - Hi, honey.

God, I'm still shaking. I can't believe we ran into each other like that.

Yup, it is a small world.

You handled yourself great, though.

Calm, poised. Sort of.

- I hope I did, too. - Where is he?

He's downstairs. I can just talk for a minute. I just... I wanted to die,

him pawing at me and kissing me like that.

I just needed to hear your voice.

I'm glad you called.

Boy, he really didn't seem like the monster I imagined.

No, he's good at fooling people.

Yeah, really good at it. I mean, generous, affable.

He almost fooled me.

Do you think I'm lying to you, Ricky?

No. No. No, it... it...

I mean, you know, it's just a little odd.

You told me he's this evil guy who threatened to kill you,

and he used to be a rabbi?

How do you know that?

Seth told me.

He Googled him and checked his website and...

Oh, you didn't just run into us tonight, did you?

- You knew we were gonna be there. - No, no.

Okay, yeah.

But, you know, Seth just wanted to make sure

you weren't using me or trying to set me up.

- I see. He did. - Yeah, yeah, of course.

I mean, I trust you, Danita. You know, totally. I always have.

Good-bye, Ricky.

- Hey, hog! - What are you doing here?

I'm meeting my EHappily chick. Found a hot Frenchie, too, so that's why...

I was wondering if you could do me a solid, maybe come over and break things up

if she doesn't look like her picture.

Oh, you know what you can do... say that my mother died

- and I'm needed at the cemetery... - No.

Hey, I'm helping you kill a guy.

Sorry, I should probably lower my voice.

You know what? Don't worry about it. That's not happening anymore.

- What? - Danita is pissed at me.

She thought we didn't just run into each other the other night.

She thought I went there because I didn't trust her.

Oh, well, I don't... I don't wanna pick sides.

Well, the girl is right. That is why you went.

- Because you put that thought in my head. - Don't do that, please.

It's easy to be a Monday morning quarterback, to blame everything on...

Oh, God, that's her.

Look, she is her picture.

Wish me luck, dog.

Snail.

Hey, look, in about ten minutes, could you come by our table

and ask me something astronaut-y?

Hello, Seth.

Z...

So maybe we should get a table?

Yes. Yeah, oh, yes, of course. Yeah.

I have a lot of pull here, so... garcon?

That is French.

And why wouldn't you know that? I'm a moron.

Relax.

Tonight, you're going to get paid and laid.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

It was a phrase I took from your profile. I thought it was very funny.

Oh, oh... oh, yeah, I see.

Shit. I thought you were serious. Oop, pardon my French.

And I apologize for that. I did not mean to imply that French is coarse

or that it's obscene or that it is a gutter language.

French is not a gutter Lang...

What?

All my life I had been looking for my prince.

Danita, I need to talk to you. Please call me back.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't trust you,

but Seth kept making me watch "Body Heat" and "Wild Things."

Jesus, Seth.

Talk to me. Look, look, it's my fault, okay?

Seth, you know, got into my head, and I started obsessing

and getting all suspicious, but that's no excuse...

I was using you.

- What? - At first.

I've told you the truth about my husband.

He would kill me if I ever tried to leave him.

He controls every dime of mine, so I could never pay to have someone...

One day I went on this dating service to look for someone desperate,

and they just... they matched me up with you.

I just... I figured that any man willing to go on a date with a woman

without even seeing her picture, you know, might be willing

- to go along with just about anything. - Guess you made the right choice.

No, but then I met you and it just...

everything changed. I just...

I fell in love with you.

I did. Ricky. I did. I really did.

Look, I'll be honest, when I first read your profile,

I couldn't believe anybody that sweet could actually exist.

I mean, I even snickered when I read the word "heart-ner" the first time. I just...

then I met you, and you were just...

you are that sweet in person, and... and I love you.

I love you from the bottom of my heart, Ricky,

and I know you have no reason to believe me, but...

Good-bye, Danita.

Yeah, okay. I guess that's what I deserve.

Good-bye, Ricky.

I'm so sorry, Ricky. You're my soul mate, and I just... I screwed it all up.

Swear on Albert Brooks.

What?

Swear on Albert Brooks that you love me.

If you're lying, he'll be struck dead.

And also one of your cats.

I swear.

I swear on Albert Brooks and Chairman Meow I love you.

I love you, Ricky, with all my heart.

Oh, God, I love you, too, Danita.

Listen...

there's something I probably I should have told you.

Well, something you probably noticed already.

My whole head is a lie.

It's okay.

You look more beautiful without your makeup.

- It's back on. - What?

Operation Kill the Rabbi, it's a go.

Pound it.

What... what exactly is our operation?

You know what, I don't know. I was thinking shoot him, trip him.

Right now is not a good time, baby. Up to my ass in 1099s. Okay.

Okay.

You want me to give your husband my novel?

Yes, just like he asked.

Then you can come over one night to discuss it face-to-face

where you can absorb all his comments, and...

then you'll have the perfect opportunity.

- I'm not sure it's ready. - What?

The 80 pages, you know, I haven't proofed it yet. I'm...

You're not giving it to him so you can send it to his agents.

You're giving it to him so you can get invited into his home and kill him.

No, it's just... it's been a long time since anybody's read my stuff. And...

I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm really nervous.

Me, too, honey.

Maybe we shouldn't do this. I mean, maybe we can just...

get in your car and drive away, far away, you and me, right now.

I'd have to give Debby's two weeks' notice.

Sorry. I was sure you were kidding.

Let's just get away.

I mean, maybe he won't kill me like he says he will.

Yeah, okay, he's killed before, but...

Oh, yeah, he killed his first wife.

I mean, they couldn't prove it, but he did.

The prick even made it into the plot of his first... first book.

Genius murderer gets away with killing cheating wife.

Christ.

His family warned me, too, the day I married him.

I just never listened. I'm such an idiot, Ricky.

No, no, no. Hey.

At least you have good taste in men now.

How... to... buy...

a... gun.

Oh, shit! They trace Google searches.

Idiot.

Smiley face? LOL?

Hey, man, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. What up, dog?

- I'm gonna need some more time off. - Oh, yeah, okay. Whatevs.

Hey, you know, Jorge? There's something I always wanted to ask you.

Do you know anybody who sells guns?

Excuse me?

Well, it's for my father. He likes to hunt deer, you know.

I don't condone it, but, you know, it gives him pleasure,

and his birthday is coming up, so...

Why would you think that I know somebody who sells guns? Because I'm Hispanic?

No. No, no, of course not. I mean, I didn't mean anything, honestly.

Look, I'm sorry, okay? It's just that this is how stereotypes get perpetuated.

Couldn't agree with you more. And I'm sorry I asked.

You know what? I just remembered. My brother and sister sell guns.

This is stupid. Shouldn't we be at a shooting range or something?

Witnesses, dog. Use your head, okay? It's totally discreet here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was discreet.

Couldn't you have asked the busboy for a silencer or something?

Sorry, first gun. Forgot to ask for accessories.

All right, you know what? I'll show you how to do it, hog.

You got to... now aim the... aim the... don't hold the trigger yet.

- Okay. Okay. - Don't hold it like you were a gangster.

Put it straight up like... okay, now make sure that your...

your forearm needs to be in line with the barrel.

Needs to be in line with the... no, straight.

Don't, don't turn your elbow in or else you're gonna loo...

- this is gonna dislocate immediately. - Okay.

Don't... okay, look... no, no, no, no. You got to stay... you got to stay square.

- Okay. - Okay, you have no power there.

- So like that... - Look at it through that eye,

the eye closest to the... You know what? Maybe you don't have to shoot him.

No, no, I want to shoot him. That's how this murderer deserves to die.

- Murderer? - Yeah, yeah.

He killed his first wife, totally got away with it.

No, no, no, I think you're thinking of Ben's first book.

Which is a great read, by the way. I highly recommend it.

No, no. Danita told he did it in real life.

Come on. She already lied to you. How do you know she's telling the truth now?

I looked into her eyes.

Oh, good, great. Yeah, I feel really good about this now.

Did you at least think to Google the guy, see if even he had a first wife?

Okay, okay, you wanna know what your problem is?

Seriously, seriously, you know, I think you need to hear it.

You know, this may hurt, but I really think you need to hear it.

Okay, Dr. Phil, what's my problem?

Okay, you are so emotionally immature,

so afraid of any kind of relationship that you mistrust any woman

so that you don't have to make a commitment.

I see.

Yeah. I mean, I... you know, I'm your best friend,

so, you know, I really felt like I had to say it.

- Really? - Yeah.

Then why did I propose to Tracey at the end of our first date?

What?

I was gonna surprise you with the news

tonight over a hot dog and soup, but, no,

you had to ruin it by saying all those hurtful, hurtful, hurtful...

- So you proposed to her? - Yeah.

I don't know, I guess I was hit by lightning, too, dog.

I mean, she's attractive, and she said I was her type,

and nobody ever tells me that I'm their type.

So the words, "Will you marry me?"

I don't know, they just kind of slipped out like sappy Tourette's

- or something like that. - And what did she say?

Yes. She said yes. I'm getting married in a month.

Wow. Wow, that is unbeliev...

I'm... I'm proud of you, man.

Thank you, Ricky. Me, too, you know?

Actually, I told her that I wasn't an astronaut

about a half-hour after I popped the question.

She was a little weirded out by that, but she didn't retract her yes... what's wrong?

No, no, no. I'm... I'm happy for you. It's just...

now I'm the last guy from high school to never be married.

Ricky, you got to keep your arm in line with the barrel!

Ben Jacobs...

author...

first... wife.

I'm so sorry I didn't trust you, Danita. I'll never use Google again.

Hello?

Mr. Jacobs. It's Ricky. You know, the 80-page writer?

- Ricky. Hey! - Yeah. I hope I'm not bothering you.

I just wanted to let you know that I just messengered you my book.

Oh, excellent. Well, I'm really looking forward to reading it.

Listen, after you read it, I'd love to talk to you face-to-face,

you know, so I can absorb your comments,

- you know, so... - Why don't you come over for dinner?

That's just what I was about to ask you.

I mean, I hope it's not too much trouble.

No! No, no, trouble at all. How's Sunday?

Thanks. Bye.

Oh, I just got off the phone with Ricky,

and he's coming over for dinner Sunday night.

- Ricky? - Yeah.

I'm reading his book, honey, remember?

Oh, yeah, right. Yeah.

Is it okay with you that I invited him to dinner?

- Of course. - Okay, good.

- Hey, baby. - Hi, sweetie.

I came as quickly as I could. What's wrong?

- I think Ben may know about us. - Christ!

Sorry. So do you think we should call off dinner tonight?

No. Why?

'Cause he might, you know, try to kill me first.

- Oh, right. - Hey.

No, what am I saying? He'd never kill you in his own house.

He'd take you somewhere else.

How do we know he doesn't have after-dinner plans?

I just... I bet he was just trying to scare me.

You know, if he thought we were really having an affair, you'd be dead already.

Okey-dokey.

I love you, Ricky.

I love you more plus seven.

Oh, after dinner, he'll take you up to his office to discuss your book,

so as soon as he goes up the first steps, shoot him twice in the back of the head.

I should probably make sure that he gets up first 'cause if I'm in front of him,

then I'm gonna have to reach around to get access to the back of his he...

I'm sorry, I'm rambling.

- You'll do great. - Thank you, baby.

Please stop staring at me, Jesus.

Okay, cool. I can barely see your face. Why are you wearing a Minnesota cap?

Oh, it's Montreal Royals.

It was at the first minor league team that Jackie Robinson played for.

I mean, you saw that movie with Harrison Ford and Chadwick Bose-man?

It was a really... it was superb

and a delightful turn by John C. McGinley...

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just relax, okay?

Remember, all you have to do is kill a guy while his back is turned.

Okay? And don't forget. The barrel of the gun needs to be in line...

Oh, would you shut up with that, all right?

Just trying to help, Ricky.

I'm sorry I yelled, man.

Yeah. Well...

I mean, I guess you got a lot on your plate.

Look...

when the deed is done, just text me, "The rabbi sleeps with the gefilte fishes."

I'll come help you guys get rid of the body, okay?

You're a primo amigo plus, man. You know that?

I gotta...

- You gotta go. - Yeah, I gotta...

You got... you got...

It's okay, honey. You keep on writing. I'll get the door.

- How are you doing? - Okay, I think.

Hello, Ricky. Welcome to our house.

Ben will be out in a minute.

You really do have cats. I love you.

I love you.

Ricky. Hi, welcome.

So... are you nervous?

Excuse me?

- Are you nervous? - Why would I be nervous?

Because you're getting an evaluation of your work tonight by a best-selling author.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, I'm nervous as shit.

How's your Chicken Diablo, Ricky? You barely touched it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. Here we go.

It's delicious.

Trés succulent.

Yeah. Danita is a great cook.

I sometimes forget that

'cause I, you know, I let her order food a lot.

Oh, "let her." Well, you know, I guess I spoil her a little bit.

- Don't I, honey? - Yes, you're very generous.

Oh, hey, I wasn't fishing for a compliment, but thanks.

You're welcome.

I really liked your book, Ricky.

Thank you.

I know I said I was gonna talk to you about it after dinner,

but I just couldn't wait a second longer to tell you how much I really liked it.

You sure you don't want to wait till after dinner and talk to him about it upstairs,

you know, in your office where you won't be distracted?

What did you like about it?

Oh, well, I liked the characters, the pacing,

but why in the world did you stop after 80 pages?

I mean, I can't wait to see how it ends.

Wow. Really? See, see, I think that... I used to think it was good,

but, I don't know, time passes and you lose perspective.

You really liked the pacing?

Sorry. I'm just... I'm not used to praise.

Well, you better get used to it, because after you finish it,

- I plan on sending it to my publisher. - Oh, my God! Thank you!

Oh, my...

But I did have a few notes for you.

I think Danita's right, we can probably focus better upstairs.

So after dinner, in my office. Is that okay, Ricky?

Yeah. Yeah, that's... that's cool.

Excellent, great. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.

Me, too.

Hey, you think there's any chance that we could call the... the publisher

right now and, you know, get the ball rolling?

You know what? Notes first, I think...

Well, let me put the dishes away.

You two go upstairs and have your little talk.

She still insists on cleaning up herself even though I could easily afford help.

She's great.

Isn't she great, Ricky?

- Yeah, she's very nice. - I'm glad you agree.

Okay, time for the big moment. You ready?

Oh, God, I hope so.

Well, come on, let's go do this. Come on.

Well, why don't you lead the way? Since, you know, it is your house.

You know what? Why don't we go somewhere else to talk about your book,

somewhere a little more inspiring?

Oh, and, honey, you should come, too. I think it's gonna be fun.

Thanks for driving, honey. Gives me more time to chat with Ricky.

- Where are we going? - To a very special place.

This place is very important to me.

It's where I first came up with the idea

that my wife was cheating on me with a loser like you.

I'm sorry, honey, I lied to you. That night you thought I was doing a book signing,

I was actually parked right over there.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it was all my fault. Just please don't hurt him.

Hey, hey, can you please just shut the fuck up, honey?

I'm trying to converse with our dinner guest.

Don't swear at her.

How chivalrous, Ricky.

You know, I'm surprised you're still single. You're a real catch.

Look, why don't you just let her go? You don't even love her.

Wow.

That is just so impressive.

You know exactly what's in my heart.

You don't have a heart.

Now you see? That one hurt.

Ben, please, please, please, no. Please, no. Please, no.

I promise I'll never see him again. I'll stay with you,

- I'll do anything you want... - I told you to shut up!

- Whoa. Hey! - Don't ever do that again, wife killer.

Now, now, Ricky.

That was never proven.

And it never will be.

Oh, come on. We both know a little restaurant manager like you

doesn't have the guts to pull that trigger.

Yes, I... yes, I do.

That might have been more persuasive without the stammering.

You know...

this has been hard, Ricky, really hard, going through this farce.

Eating with you, being friendly to you, reading your book.

Yeah, I think that was the hardest part, reading your book.

Yeah, it wasn't easy to pretend that crap was good.

I mean, it was just awful!

Poorly written, run-on sentences, a clumsy attempt at suspense and wit,

terrible pacing...

He's dead.

Holy shit!

You did it, dog.

Pound it.

Hey, Danita. How's it going?

Okay. Thanks for helping, Seth.

No problem. You know, I got off work a little early so... he's still alive!

Wait, no, sorry. False alarm. No, that's just the wind. He's still dead.

Okay. You better go home.

You sure you don't want me to help you dump the body?

Oh, honey, that is so sweet, but everything has to look normal.

You've got to show everybody you're home,

answer all your phone calls, turn on a bunch of lights.

- I love you. - I love you.

- I love you more. - I love you more plus eight.

Don't... don't drive so fast.

You serious? You just killed a guy. Now you're worried about a speeding ticket?

- I don't want a cop to stop us, idiot. - Right, right, right.

I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm nervous. Why am I so nervous?

There's a dead body in the trunk, and you're an accountant.

You work at Debby's. That's not that much more macho.

No, I didn't mean it as a dig.

Of course, you didn't. That's not even... it's not a good dig. I'm so nervous!

Okay, plan A. We dump him in the ocean.

- We have to rent a boat or something? - Why?

We can't just place him in the shallow end, and you're not that great a swimmer.

Okay. I'm not... I'm not that bad. I'm not that bad.

I know, but you never even used to go in the deep end.

All right, look, I was accidentally dropped in a pool by my mother when I was a baby.

- It was very traumatic. - I know, I know, I'm sorry.

Oh, crap, it's after midnight. We wouldn't even be able to rent a boat

- even if we wanted to. - See?

I got it, I got it. We'll dump him off a cliff.

No, we can't, right, because you have a fear of heights. I apologize.

I almost fell off the roof of my grandparents' condominium when I was little.

I know.

Sorry to put this murdering scum beside you, Mr. Dead Movie Star.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

- Sorry, sorry. What is it? - You okay, man?

Shit, man, you've been, like, in your own world for the last two weeks.

No, I'm fine. What is it?

That guy over there wants to talk to you.

Jesus!

What does he want?

I don't know, man. He wants to talk to you. Now.

Okay, thanks.

Hello, Officer. You... you wanted to talk to me?

- You Ricky Miller? - Yeah, yeah.

I got something I got to ask you.

Okay.

- You know this woman? - No.

Oh, wait, I do, I do. That's... this is my Aunt Toby.

I knew it. Me and you are related, man.

- What? - Yeah. Toby Miller, she's my aunt.

She mentioned she had a nephew who ran a Debby's.

I know it's kind of lame, but I'm really big into the family tree kind of thing.

No, no, no it's... it is not dumb at all.

It is... it is great that you care about family trees.

I mean, it's... it's fucking fantastic.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Ricky.

- I've missed you so much. - Me, too.

It's been so hard not even being able to text you.

I know, I know. But we have to be careful. That's why it was so smart to meet here.

No one would expect to find a Jew in here.

You're Jewish?

No, I thought you were. You know, 'cause you were married to the...

Oh, no, no, no. He was a rabbi who liked shiksas. And he also ate pork.

- The police have been questioning me. - Why?

I think they always suspect the spouse first.

At least they do on "48 Hours" and "American Justice."

- Wait, you watch those shows, too? - Those are my two favorite shows on TV.

Wait, have you seen "True Crime with Aphrodite Jones"?

Shut up! I love that!

It is bat-shit crazy how much we have in common.

I love you so much, baby.

I love you more plus... wait, what are we at?

- 19. - 19. 20.

So what do you think?

- I don't know. - Come on, hog.

I'm getting married on Saturday. I wanna look dapper. Which one?

Oh, sorry. That one.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I thought so, too.

It's definitely the better... less blue... good. So, hey, where's Danita?

I've been trying to get ahold of her to invite her to the wedding.

- You can't invite her. - I have to invite her. She's your girlfriend.

Are you insane? We can't be seen together.

All right, all right, relax. I couldn't get a hold of her anyway.

She probably changed her number.

Then I went to her house, and her neighbor said that she saw her leaving

with a bunch of suitcases. Where's she going, man?

Oh, shit, you... you knew that, right?

- Hey. Guys. - Hey, Ricky.

There he is?

It's Saturday night, and you're gonna do it.

Time for you to get paid and laid and find yourself a soul mate?

No. I already got hit by lightning and found a soul mate.

Now it's time to get killed by a terrorist.

Oh, come on, Ricky, you'll meet someone else.

Look, it took me over 40 years to find the first one.

Now it'll take at least that.

By then I'll be in hell.

That's not true. You're such a sweet man, Ricky.

And why would you ever go to hell?

God...

I can't keep this in anymore.

- About nine months ago... - He stole a Snapple.

From the grocery store. He stole a Snapple.

He's been bent up about it ever since. Haven't you, Ricky?

The Snapple that you stole from the store.

Yeah, I stole a Snapple.

Just for the thrill.

Hey!

Hey, cuz!

Hey.

Hey. Good to see you again. How's it going?

- Not bad, can't complain. - How's work?

Well, you know. So how's work for you?

Interesting.

I was at the station before when a serial killer came in

and confessed to a bunch of murders.

And he even confessed to killing that guy... what's his name?

The author who died last year.

Ben Jacobs?

I... I believe was... was his name.

There, there were those articles on the internet.

Ben Jacobs, that's it. Yeah.

So... so someone confessed?

Yeah.

- Holy shit. - Yeah.

I'll tell you, you get these nut jobs that come in, they confess to murders

they didn't even commit, but this guy, really convincing.

Yeah, I wasn't even there, and I believe him.

So we arrested him, and I hope the bastard fries.

I hope he fries and they... they hang him.

That's a little excessive, cuz.

Holy shit.

You again, God?

That was so sweet.

And a little sick.

Why would you let an innocent... serial killer

get punished for something I did?

My life is over anyway.

You like "Lost in America," too?

Oh, my God.

You must have hated me.

You must have thought I ran away and that I'd never come back.

Yeah, it kind of crossed my mind.

The police were starting to suspect me more and more.

So I ditched my phone and any record of you.

I knew we wouldn't be able to stay away from each other.

So I just got on a plane and flew halfway around the world

and just kept on flying and kept on running, and...

Then I heard something on the news about a killer who was arrested back in America

for the murder of Ben Jacobs.

I'm pretty sure he's innocent.

Me, too.

The police seem to believe him, though.

It's crazy.

How could this happen?

I pray to a deranged deity.

I'm so sorry, Ricky.

You must have thought I was one of those, you know,

movie bitches, like Seth kept warning you about.

No, no, I could never think you're one of those bitches, never.

Okay, maybe a few time...

Okay, several times in my smallest, darkest moments.

Oh, my God, I love you.

I love you more plus infinity.

I love you more plus double infinity.

I love you more plus triple...

Holy shit-balls, you win.

I was a widow.

And I thought it was too late to meet a soul mate,

that I'd have a better chance of getting hit by lightning.

Then one day, the perfect guy appeared.

I used to work here, but then I met Danita,

my inspiration, my... my muse.

And now I've written two bestsellers,

and one of them might even be made into a movie.

With Ashton Kutcher.

And he's gotten me to start painting again, too.

We both love cats and hockey and Albert Brooks

and going out to romantic places.

Though we do tend to disagree from time to time...

About who loves who more.

Fuck you, Ricky and Danita.