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1
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,800
Rocket?
2
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:29,960
Wake up!
3
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,080
Last day on base!
4
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,680
Our last breakfast.
5
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,560
I hope it's sausages -
no, beans - no, both!
6
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,320
No, souvenirs.
7
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,920
Time to nick anything
that isn't nailed down.
8
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,760
Let's raid the cookhouse.
9
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:59,520
What, and proff some ladles? You're
not thinking big enough, Rocket.
10
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,360
There are some pretty big ladles.
11
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,240
CLANK, CRASH
12
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,520
CLANK
13
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,480
Private MacDowell,
what have you got there?
14
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:34,520
Nothing.
15
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,560
A souvenir?
16
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,640
Look, I get it.
We all want souvenirs.
17
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,560
I know how it works,
I'm one of the guys.
18
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:46,000
Sorry, Ma'am, but...
you're not one of the guys.
19
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,200
Really?
20
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,000
I know I'm "the boss", but
it's not like I'm actually bossy.
21
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,200
All right.
22
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,200
Open the bag, Mac. That's an order.
23
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,120
I can't believe you made me do that,
over some tiny little...
24
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,720
The X-ray machine!? Bloody hell!
25
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,120
What do you even want that for?
26
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,160
X-ray my balls. What?
27
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,920
I'm going to open up my own
ball X-raying business.
28
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:15,440
"Ballbags - no ball too small".
29
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,960
Nobody wants their balls X-rayed.
I beg to differ.
30
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:22,520
Couldn't find any giant ladles,
but I've got beans!
31
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:25,240
Is that the X-ray machine?
32
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,400
Brilliant! Can you X-ray my balls?
33
00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:00,040
MUSIC: Sunny Afternoon
by The Kinks
34
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,120
So, Medal - what medal
do you think you'll get
35
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,880
for your heroic night-time
stabbing frenzy?
36
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,960
A Military Cross? QGM?
37
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,320
I didn't do anything that
any other well-trained,
38
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,760
professional soldier
wouldn't have done.
39
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,640
Oh, here you are.
40
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:23,880
Message from the boss -
41
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,320
meeting at 10.00 and then a
Survival Skills Refresher.
42
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,040
Training? For fuck's sake!
But we're sunbathing! Quite right.
43
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,520
I can see you're all rushed off
your feet as it is.
44
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,520
Oh, and Medal -
Colonel wants to see you.
45
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:35,760
Roger that.
46
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:39,520
Pull up a pew.
47
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:43,000
You're all right. I don't need to
sunbathe - I'm hitched, remember?
Job done.
48
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,800
What - and Mrs Towerblock loves the,
er... what is that skin tone called?
49
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,920
"Blind cave worm"?
50
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:52,840
Mmm - sexy! We work in EOD.
You know what that stands for?
51
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,760
ALL: Every One's Divorced.
52
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,240
Nah, me and the missus have
got rules, to keep solid.
53
00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:58,760
I call her and the nipper every week
54
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,640
and she doesn't wear her
leather skirt down the pub. Sorted.
55
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,720
So, what's everyone doing
when they get home?
56
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,920
Your mum. Fuck off!
57
00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:08,080
What about you, Bird?
58
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,720
Head back to Didcot, catch up
with some of the guys...
59
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,440
shag some of the guys,
60
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,320
read A Storm Of Swords in peace.
61
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,320
Your folks not meeting you
off the plane?
62
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,880
Haven't even told them
when I'm back.
63
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,280
Bird, that is fucked up.
64
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:21,840
I'll be too busy,
65
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,760
what with the Storm Of Swords -
66
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:24,960
and my reading.
67
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,440
Wahey!
68
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,520
Anyway, my sister's the favourite -
69
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,160
lawyer, lives in Richmond, kids.
Urgh.
70
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,360
Phone them. Seriously.
71
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,800
Haven't got any minutes left.
Used them all for admin -
72
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,680
well, shag-min.
73
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:40,280
There's 40 minutes on there.
74
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:45,200
Fine. I'll call them, just to prove
how little of a shit they give.
75
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,840
A microscopic micro-turd -
that's how little.
76
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:50,560
Ooh - it's done!
77
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:56,600
KNOCKS AT DOOR
78
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:58,880
Corporal, come in.
79
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,160
It's about the medal recommendation.
80
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,640
There was talk of a QGM,
but I mean, what is gallantry?
81
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,520
One man's gallantry is
another man's raw instinct.
82
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,840
Just protecting the team -
didn't do it for the medal.
83
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,720
A very healthy attitude, especially
as you're not going to get one.
84
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,680
Fucking hell...sir... Sorry, sir.
85
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,360
They felt you didn't do
anything that any other
86
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,640
well-trained professional
soldier wouldn't have done.
87
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:23,800
Oh...
88
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,440
Sorry about that.
89
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,760
Bit of a boot in the nuts,
but just one of those things.
90
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,120
Is it, sir?
91
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:31,520
Is it?
92
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,560
It is. It is, it's, er...
It is, sir.
93
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,160
You're a good soldier, Lansley -
94
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,840
and I'm sure your team are very
grateful. That's what matters.
95
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,960
I think if you... Carry on! Right...
96
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,320
Having some work done on it, sir?
Mmm.
97
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,600
Keep an eye on Simon, would you?
98
00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,440
Had a bit of a knock-back, so make
sure the team show him the love.
99
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,600
Though not in a Thursday night way.
100
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,280
Sir.
101
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,800
Caught Mac proffing the
X-ray machine this morning.
102
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,440
For his balls, I presume?
103
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,040
..Yes.
104
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,400
I hate having to be the villain.
105
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,880
I was just starting to feel
they'd accepted me.
106
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,520
Got to have a proper villain.
What's the first rule?
107
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,280
BOTH: Have a proper villain. Good.
108
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,520
They can't go round
nicking stuff, so...
109
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,680
If I were you, I'd focus on getting
everyone on the plane in one piece.
110
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:27,840
Carry on.
111
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,160
Ah, Boss. Um...
112
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,600
About this training...
113
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,200
Survival Skills? Essential.
114
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,680
It's the last day.
Um, with respect...
115
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:41,240
no-one's really up for it.
116
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,960
Bird, we're in a hazardous
environment. We need to stay sharp.
117
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,040
I think the guys do know that.
118
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:49,920
Oh, that's not my reading of
the guys, but you're the boss.
119
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,600
See you at the training. I'm really
looking forward to it, now.
120
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:53,720
Are you?
121
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,680
No, right...
122
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,480
Can't believe she took back
the X-ray machine.
123
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:05,680
I know.
124
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:08,200
I was hoping for radioactive balls.
125
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,200
Wait! Stop it, I'm having that...
I wanted that flag...
126
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,280
Fucking stop pulling it,
you bell ends!
127
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:17,240
What's going on here? Towerblock,
Get down off that table!
128
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,760
What do you even want it for?
129
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,640
I want to cut out the red bits.
130
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,800
But now, we'll have to go
and give it back to the CQ -
131
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,920
because apparently,
souvenirs are banned.
132
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:26,160
No...
133
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,760
I was going to say,
why don't we have
134
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:32,400
a fun little competition,
to see who gets the flag? Yeah?
135
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,760
Can't I just take it? Really, Boss?
Oh, Bird, we're...
136
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,520
Can't fucking believe it.
137
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,560
My parents are going to
meet me at Brize.
138
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,720
They were meant to be
having dinner with my sister,
139
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,240
but they moved it to the
next day - they can't wait
to see me. There you go...
140
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,640
We had this massive
heart-to-heart and...
141
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,480
Ngh, oh... They love me, Towerblock.
They fucking love me.
142
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,360
Of course they do. I only joined
the Army to piss them off.
143
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:57,520
My whole life has been a lie.
I'm such a fucking idiot!
144
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:58,880
You're not a fucking idiot.
145
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,960
You've only got two minutes
of phone time left.
146
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,120
You fucking idiot!
I've got to call my missus!
147
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,840
Ooh! Can I have the flag as a
souvenir? Well, actually, we're...
148
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,880
We've got to have some
gay competition for it.
149
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,240
You want flag?
150
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,360
I can get British flags
for all of you -
151
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,480
and American ones, which my
supplier has pre-soaked in petrol.
152
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:19,200
I want this one. I have other
souvenirs, including ...
153
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,240
Faruq Sings The Hits That
Rod Stewart Also Sang, But Before.
154
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,360
Right ...
155
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,120
Help me out here -
I have a thousand copies.
156
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:29,760
Oh, well - I'm sure we'll all...
157
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,880
..bear that in mind.
158
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,400
So, the most awesome
souvenir wins the flag.
159
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,880
We've all got stuff, right?
ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER
160
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,320
OK, back here in ten.
161
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,360
Boss, what about the training?
162
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:42,840
Training?
163
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,680
Bore off, dulloid!
It's the last day.
164
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,120
Let's have some fun!
165
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,000
Hey, guys! Count me in for fun!
166
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,880
I thought we were doing
Survival Skills?
167
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,560
Some of us already have those.
168
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:54,760
A couple of hexi blocks,
sharp knife...
169
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,600
I could live in the wild,
pretty much indefinitely.
170
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,200
You all right, Medal?
Errgh! Not "Medal" any more.
171
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,080
Oh, no, really? Eh? I don't get it!
Shit, really? You didn't get one?
172
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,520
Nope. I just heard from
the Colonel. But who cares?
173
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:09,000
We don't do this for medals, do we?
174
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,720
You do. Mac, he does not.
175
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:13,880
Simon, I'm so sorry...
176
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,440
So, we can't call you "Medal" now?
177
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,440
Can we call you
"Mentioned in Dispatches"?
178
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,400
Errgh! Didn't even get that.
179
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,960
Can we call you "No Medal"?
180
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,680
You can call me whatever
the fuck you like.
181
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,880
We do that, anyway.
182
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,520
Well, Simon - as a fun team thing,
183
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,720
we were having a competition
for the best souvenir.
184
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:36,360
Why would I want to
remember any of this?
185
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:42,000
Simon?
186
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,040
Simon, look -
187
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,440
I know you wanted something
to happen between us and...
188
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,320
No, it's not that.
189
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,640
It's all in the past.
190
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,880
Well, obviously the medal
was a real blow...
191
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,120
That's fine. It's fine, it's fine.
192
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:01,360
You know? I mean,
it's not like it's even fair,
193
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,000
because you know who got one?
194
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,840
Captain Parfitt - Military Cross.
195
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,720
Parfo?
196
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:10,160
Bloody hell! Yeah!
197
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,600
The big cheese who's married
to Charlotte, my ex, who...
198
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:14,880
Sorry, do you know him?
199
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,520
Er... we dated.
200
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,640
For a few months.
It was never going to last.
201
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,880
Yeah - cos he's an
A-grade arsehole, right?
202
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,760
One of those wanker
officers who just...
203
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,840
No, no, no, Parfo's lovely.
204
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:31,800
I left him, because I thought
he was too good for me.
205
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,240
He's brave, kind...
206
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:38,360
Well, today just gets
better and better.
207
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,600
Maybe my luck will change
and I'll get run over by a mastiff!
208
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,440
SIMON SCREAMS
209
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:58,600
OK, guys, this is a postcard painted
for me by my last interpreter.
210
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,840
Oh, this is a doll I found...
211
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,640
Holy shit!
212
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,920
Towerblock, that's a mortar tube!
213
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,920
Well, it's something
for the kids to play with.
214
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,520
It's not safe!
215
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:11,080
Bird, that's a mine
I have never even seen before.
216
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:12,720
It's a collector's item -
217
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,440
just whack a "Free From Explosive"
certificate on it.
218
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,880
You can do that.
Yeah, I could do that -
219
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,280
if it was actually
free from explosives.
220
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,240
Mac, that needs a wash...
that's rusty and lethal....
221
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,560
that has its own clause
in the Geneva Convention.
222
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,440
No, I'm sorry... Fine!
223
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,760
Some fucking competition this was.
224
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,640
Guys, you can't take these home.
225
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:38,160
This is a souvenir.
These are war trophies.
226
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,440
Leave them here. Sorry.
227
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,720
Rocket, the water bottle's fine.
228
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,440
Yes! So this whole thing
was a sting?
229
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,400
That is a very Rupert move.
230
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:49,800
That is not fair.
231
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,080
I didn't expect you to bring me
a bunch of rusty death traps.
232
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,240
What were you expecting?
We're soldiers.
233
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,440
"One of the guys", my arse.
234
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,440
Do you know where I could get
this filled with nerve gas? No.
235
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,680
Oh, two minutes will be enough.
236
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,120
Cos you're solid, right?
237
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,200
Sat phone kicking about? In there.
238
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,560
Towerblock, don't give me
the silent treatment.
239
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,360
All right.
240
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:20,560
Fuck off, Bird.
241
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,080
Hello? Is that Hibiscus?
242
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,840
I'm sure you're packed
to the rafters,
243
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:30,000
but is there any chance of
a table on Saturday evening...
244
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,000
Oh, are you?
245
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,680
I'm sorry about the line,
246
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:37,560
but I'm serving with Her Majesty's
Armed Forces in Afghanistan.
247
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:38,960
BANG BANG
248
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,720
No, no, nothing we can't handle.
249
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:41,960
BANG
250
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:48,120
FARUQ SCREAMS THREATS
251
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,840
A table's just opened up?
252
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,760
Eight o'clock will be perfect.
253
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,920
Lieutenant Colonel Smith.
254
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,120
See you, then.
255
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,480
Cheers, Sir.
256
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,640
Carry on. You like Rod Stewart?
Love him.
257
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,080
KEYS IN NUMBER
258
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,560
All right, love?
259
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,600
Yeah, I'm just ringing to...
260
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,040
Oh, is she?
261
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,920
Aw, bless!
262
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,400
No, don't put her on,
I've only got a couple of minutes.
263
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,800
So, I get back on...
264
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:29,120
What? No, well, I had to give
some minutes to Bird and she...
265
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,520
No.
266
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,040
No, she's not.
267
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,240
No, of course you're more
important than she is.
268
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,280
Get off!
269
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,120
What? No, she's...
No, she's not here...
270
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,640
BIRD SNIFFS
271
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,800
Shagging her?
272
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,840
She's not even fit!
273
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,080
Ow!
274
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,720
No, I'll... I'll explain
when you pick me up.
275
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,240
What?!
276
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,640
Now, listen, no, you listen -
277
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,400
I paid for that fucking Mini,
so you'd better...
278
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,560
Great.
279
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,120
She thinks we're shagging.
280
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,600
Why would she think that?
281
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,920
Nice bit of kit that, sir.
282
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,280
I imagine you'll be sorry
to see that go. Mmm.
283
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,560
I'd imagine I would.
284
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:29,840
All right, mate?
285
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,760
Soz about the medal.
It's fine. What's this?
286
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,840
"My childhood was a series..."
Not for publication!
287
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,000
You having another go at a memoir?
No.
288
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,200
A Foot In Death's Door II -
Two Feet In Death's Door!
289
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,200
Actually, Bird -
I've been trying to work out
290
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,320
where I've been going wrong
all these years.
291
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,400
Uh, it's basically
stuff like this, mate -
292
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,560
overthinking everything!
293
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,360
You need to get home and take...
294
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,320
There's nothing for me
in Braintree.
295
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:01,960
Yeah, I can believe that.
296
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,840
Just get out of yourself, for a bit.
297
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,600
A serious bout of heavy drinking -
some extreme sports, perhaps?
298
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,760
Probably not in that order.
299
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,080
And see your parents. They love you.
300
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:13,320
Meh...
301
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:19,560
When Charlotte left me, I just
think they were so disappointed...
302
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:24,240
They love us...more than we know...
303
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,080
Mm. I'm fine, fine...
304
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,000
Anyway - I just think that...
There's a shout on.
305
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,760
Reaper drone's come down,
and we get to blow it up. Mint!
306
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,440
But we're all packed up.
Heli's picking us up four hours.
307
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,440
Oh, right! Forget it then -
just stay here, have a brew.
308
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,480
Oh, cheer up, Numpty!
Take it out on the Taliban.
309
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:49,040
Why? They're the only ones
I have no personal quarrel with!
310
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,920
Mac, stop that!
311
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,440
Perfect souvenir!
312
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,680
No, no, it's not -
it's a war trophy.
313
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,960
It's not like you found
a piece lying on the ground.
314
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:23,040
Ooh! Let's not blow it up!
315
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,720
If we can all take a bit home,
316
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,640
we can put it back together
and fly it about!
317
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:31,000
Rocket, the enemy really want this,
so we have to deny it, ASAP.
318
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,160
I'm putting a three minute fuse
on these charges,
319
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,200
by which time, we need to be
500 metres away, OK?
320
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:39,320
Now, give me 100 metres,
while I light them.
321
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:40,520
Go!
322
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:07,480
Oh, shit.
323
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,000
Go, go!
324
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,800
GUNFIRE
325
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,400
Fucking ambush!
326
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:28,360
Diamond 21, this is
Bluestone 42. Contact.
327
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:31,200
Enemies times five.
We are engaging. Wait out.
328
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,520
This is not a safe distance...
Shit! 90 seconds!
329
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:43,920
Boss, we're pinned down.
330
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,880
I'm going to leg it over there, draw
their fire. Simon, that's insane!
331
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,600
Their AKs aren't that accurate.
I'll hide behind the berm.
332
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,920
You guys flank them,
before the charges function.
333
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,680
It's too risky!
334
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,640
Well, at least if I die,
I might get a fucking medal!
335
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,520
MAC LAUGHS
Holy shit!
336
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,960
Yoo-hoo, jizzbags!
337
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:13,720
On me!
338
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,600
Everybody down!
339
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,640
BOOM
340
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:50,680
Look what I found!
341
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,200
Just lying on the ground.
342
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,040
Gleaming!
343
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,560
Simon, are we clear?
344
00:18:58,560 --> 00:18:59,880
'Clear!'
345
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:11,600
That's it, then.
346
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,440
Can we go home now?
347
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:35,960
Good work, chaps.
348
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,720
Welcome back, Bluestone 42.
349
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,040
I hear Corporal Lansley
was the hero of the hour.
350
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,760
We wouldn't have got back
without him.
351
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,880
Me and Rocket's going to
make him a medal. The MRGM -
352
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,000
the Mac and Rocket Gallantry Medal.
353
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,280
Prestigious(!)
354
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,880
While I write him up for a real one.
355
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,720
Oh, and you've missed
your transport,
356
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,040
but there's going to be
another heli at 19.00 hours.
357
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,200
It'll mean getting home a day later,
I'm afraid.
358
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,640
Fucking RAF!
359
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,560
You've all got an extra five minutes
on your phone cards to call home.
360
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,800
Carry on.
Five minutes to save his marriage!
361
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,440
Unbelievable!
362
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,400
Love, listen - please,
just let me explain.
363
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,880
Hi, Mrs Towerblock...
364
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,520
Give it here! Give it here!
Corporal Bird here. Lynda, yeah.
365
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,760
Just want you to know,
I'm not shagging your husband.
366
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,280
Yeah.
367
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,560
I bet he does.
368
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,200
Is it? Really?
BIRD LAUGHS
369
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,440
No!
370
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,360
MAC HUMS
371
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,000
Oh! Here he is.
372
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,680
MAC FANFARES
373
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,960
APPLAUSE
374
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,200
OK, then. Let's have it.
375
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:59,120
We are giving you...a medal.
You know, for your bravery?
376
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:02,320
It is the highest medal that can
be conferred on an Englishman.
377
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,600
The MRGM.
378
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,200
What does that stand for?
Medal for Really...
379
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,360
..Gay Mingers?
380
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:12,520
Eh?
381
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,240
Fuck you, guys.
382
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,800
I saved your lives today and
all you do is take the piss.
383
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,800
Simon, they've stopped taking the
piss. They're showing you respect.
384
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:21,400
It's made of chocolate.
385
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,640
Funny, guys(!)
386
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,720
Really funny(!)
387
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,160
We were being nice!
388
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,000
Simon! Boss, just give him a minute.
389
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,080
OK. I'll sit next to him on the
plane, have a heart-to-heart.
390
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,520
Right. OK, one more thing ...
391
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,160
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
392
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,120
No, no, no, like it or not...
393
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,600
..I got the best souvenir.
394
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,640
Mac, there was no competition,
it was just...
395
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,800
MAC FANFARES
396
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:47,880
Nice!
397
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,480
You said it would be OK, if I just
found it lying on the ground.
398
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,600
Yes, I did. But it's
not as good as...
399
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:57,840
..this. The seeker head
from the Hellfire missile.
400
00:21:57,840 --> 00:21:59,920
This is a thing of beauty...
Wow, fuck me!
401
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,000
I think I win. In fact,
I'm in charge, so I say I win.
402
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,920
Fair enough.
403
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,720
You're abusing your position
for personal gain.
404
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,320
You are one of the guys.
405
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:14,560
What, really?
406
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:16,400
I admire your balls.
407
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,200
If you ever need them X-rayed,
408
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,520
stop off at Ballbags.
409
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,160
Well...
410
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,640
because I'm part of such a
great team, I don't need this...
411
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:30,440
..because I've the memory of
working with all of you.
412
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,360
So, Mac - I want you to have it.
413
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,960
Nah, lost my respect again. Oh!
414
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,960
If you're just going to hand it over,
then I'm fucking having it.
415
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,320
ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
416
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,040
I believe I win this.
417
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:46,640
Eh?
418
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:50,640
Well, if you look over there,
those boxes contain my Land Rover,
419
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,560
labelled and ready to be
shipped to my home address.
420
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,280
Best souvenir, I think.
421
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,360
You proffed an actual Land Rover?
422
00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:58,880
That's completely ...
423
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,240
A Land Rover?
Did I say that? Oh, no.
424
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,400
Those are boxes of audio cassettes.
425
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,520
CASSETTES RATTLE
426
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:12,080
My only crime is loving Rod Stewart.
427
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,000
428
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,640
429
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:20,000
430
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,360
431
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:24,280
432
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:25,400
Your loss.
433
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:29,680
Bird?
434
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,160
So, is my missus taking me home
435
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:34,920
in that mini that
I'm paying for, or what?
436
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:36,360
Yes, she is... Oh, thank God!
437
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:38,680
..straight after she's
dropped me off in Portsmouth.
438
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:39,920
You what?
439
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:43,040
Yeah, my parents aren't picking me
up again, cos of the flight change.
440
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,520
Apparently they don't want to
mess my sister around. Arseholes!
441
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,960
That's got to be like
a four hour round trip -
442
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,520
and then another four to Leeds!
443
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,480
What can I say? Me and your
missus really hit it off.
444
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,360
She's like the sister I never had.
445
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:58,840
You've got a sister!
446
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:01,080
..Who's dead to me -
as are my parents.
447
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,040
See you in the car.
448
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:05,360
Oh, shotgun!
449
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,520
Oh, when I get home,
I'm going on a Greggs-crawl.
450
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:11,720
Lucky you.
451
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,040
I'm off on a motoring tour
of the South of England.
452
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:16,720
Where is Simon?
453
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,360
Oh, good point. Where is Simon?
Anyone seen him?
454
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:21,440
He owes me $200 for certain items.
455
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,400
He swore me to secrecy.
456
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,840
Hexamine, sharp knife, stove...
457
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,640
Is he planning a camping trip?
458
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:32,160
Oh, shit!
459
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,120
Fucking hell! Shit...
460
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,360
"The mountains will appreciate me?"
461
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,800
We think he's gone AWOL, sir.
462
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,360
Yes, I can fucking see that!
463
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:54,880
What happened to getting them
all on the plane in one piece?
464
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,000
Yes, sir... Now I have to
stay here and find him -
465
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,120
search parties, Special Forces!
466
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:01,920
I was meant to be taking
my wife to Hibiscus!
467
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,000
Fucking hell!
468
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,120
CRASH
469
00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:07,600
Op round-up, now -
470
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,360
I want the base searched and
an ops meeting at 19.00 hours.
471
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:13,200
Sir, we would like to stay and help
look for him. Right, Rocket?
472
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,920
Aye. We need to find him.
We'll all stay.
473
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,240
No, no, no.
474
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:20,000
The last thing I need is
"help" from Bluestone 42.
475
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,480
I'll find him, don't you
worry about that.
476
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,240
You scamps get on your heli.
477
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:28,320
OK. Well, sir...
478
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,200
Off we fuck.
No, not "off we fuck"!
479
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,280
Fuck off!
480
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,600
Fuck off onto the heli,
then fuck off onto the plane,
481
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,840
then carry on fucking off
out of Afghanistan.
482
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:38,120
Go on, fuck off!
483
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,320
He can't have gone far. Aye.
484
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:48,640
He's only got wee legs.
485
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:51,240
The Colonel will find him.
486
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,280
..And cut his balls off.
487
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,080
Or some locals will find him.
488
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:56,920
..And cut his balls off.
489
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,480
Mac, not helping.
490
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,560
I'm kidding!
491
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,880
He'll probably be
eaten by wolves first.
492
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:09,720
I think a nice cup of tea,
don't you?
493
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,000
Yes, Lieutenant Lansley.
494
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:22,000
OK, Captain Best...
495
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,480
..Ellen.
496
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,200
We'll just wait for that to boil.
497
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:32,080
ENGINE REVS
498
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,240
It's all right, Captain.
499
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:42,600
We're quite safe here.
500
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,280
HELICOPTER BLADES
501
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:54,840
MUSIC: Sailing
by Rod Stewart
502
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,560
503
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:05,800
504
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,480
505
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:13,040
506
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:20,680
507
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:24,560
508
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:26,680
509
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:32,000
510
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,880
511
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:39,720
512
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:43,320
513
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:51,160
514
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,200
515
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,800
516
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:02,520
517
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:06,120
518
00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:10,000
519
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:13,600
520
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:20,880
521
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:24,120
37269
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