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1
00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:05,320
This programme contains some
strong language.
2
00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:06,880
For a film about fighting,
3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,200
there's no much blood in Gladiator.
4
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,120
There's no that much fighting
either.
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00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,240
We can skip this bit.
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00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,320
FILM MUSIC SPEEDS UP
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Stroking the wheat like a numpty.
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FILM PAUSES
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00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:21,560
So, if you were a gladiator,
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what sort would you be?
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Tiger.
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00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,720
Which human gladiator?
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00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,320
What weapon would you have?
14
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,720
Sword and shield.
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The classic combination.
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Stab, stab, hide!
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Nah.
18
00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:35,160
Remember that bit back in Africa?
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The guy with the fork and the net.
20
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I'd be him.
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Aye, and then I'd stab you
with my sword,
22
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,240
and hide.
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00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:44,640
Fork and net could beat
sword and shield, no bother.
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Bollocks.
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00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:51,680
Prove it.
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00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:54,800
Right!
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First off, that's a daft wee fork.
28
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Net! I wasn't ready!
29
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:05,760
And...fork! Argh!
30
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,520
That's my favourite bollock!
31
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,280
MAC GIGGLES
32
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:39,920
So I've been doing the
old end of tour ammo audit...
33
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:40,960
Yawn, boo, dull.
34
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:44,160
..and I've found a few
tiny discrepancies I'd like you
to sign off on.
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00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:45,320
Discrepancies?
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00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,640
Everyone makes
the odd mistake, don't they?
37
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The fog of war, and all that.
38
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:51,520
The cloud of combat.
39
00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:54,280
The mist of
mislaying two dozen mortar shells.
40
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,480
So here, here, and here.
41
00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:02,320
Sorry, three cases of missing flares
from the first week of November?
42
00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:04,960
Makeshift firework night.
43
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:07,880
Bickie?
44
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,480
Oh, I try to avoid refined sugar.
45
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:10,520
Course you do.
46
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:14,160
Next to these missing 7.62 rounds,
it says...
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00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:16,160
.."barbecue"?
48
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,040
The goats in question
did look a BIT Taliban-y.
49
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,240
Well, they had beards.
50
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,200
Sir, these aren't
tiny discrepancies.
51
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,120
I'm not willing to
just fudge the paperwork.
52
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Course not!
Well within your rights. But...
53
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..please?
54
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,040
Don't make me say "pretty please".
55
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,840
I'm sorry, sir, if mistakes have
been made then those responsible
56
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,680
should be made to
face the consequences.
57
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Pretty please?
58
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:42,840
I have a team meeting.
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00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,400
Good work, Captain Best. Carry on.
60
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,720
OK, not much to discuss today.
Brilliant. Can we go?
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00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,560
Not until we've worked
through the agenda.
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00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,440
Yeah! Wait for the agenda, Mac.
63
00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:01,760
Item one. Towerblock and I
will be conducting ANA training.
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00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,320
Or, "Hey, you Afghan twats,
stop poking bombs with a stick."
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00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:05,360
THEY LAUGH
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00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:08,160
They have some very promising
operators, actually.
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00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,200
So, item one, check!
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00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,160
Item two.
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00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:13,520
Any other business?
70
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Did we really need an agenda?
71
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:16,960
Can we go now, please?
72
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,680
Er, well, I suppose we've...
73
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,320
Yeah, erm... Dismissed.
74
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,200
Right, better get a move on.
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00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:25,800
Sorry, Simon, can you...?
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Help? Sure!
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I could carry that for you?
I've got it.
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00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,560
Er... Simon?
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Stay.
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00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,280
So, boss.
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00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,800
Are you going to do the whole
"sick husband" routine, then?
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00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,360
I'm sorry?
83
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,240
I thought all female ATOs did this?
84
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,840
Well, you know how the ANA
don't think that women should work,
85
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,440
but you say your husband's sick
and he ordered you to get a job,
86
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,760
and then, for some mental reason,
they respect you.
87
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,080
But I'm not married, so...
88
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,720
Yeah, it's a tactical lie.
89
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:06,840
To get the job done.
90
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,720
If you can't get a job done
without lying,
91
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,560
then you're not doing
that job properly.
92
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:11,880
"H" to the "T" to the "S".
93
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,360
Honesty leads to trust,
leads to success.
94
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,240
Have you met the ANA, boss?
95
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,360
It'll be "A" to the "N"
to the "no fucking way".
96
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:24,280
You ready?
97
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:25,840
Aye.
98
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:26,920
Stab stab hide!
99
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:29,280
Stab, stab! Net!
100
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,440
Oh!
101
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:32,760
Aah, ooh!
102
00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:33,800
And...fork!
103
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,400
HE GROANS
104
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,440
Argh, ma other bollock!
105
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,920
Bird...
106
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,800
do you think the boss
is behaving oddly?
107
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,520
You mean, since you started
totally fancying her?
108
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:57,040
Pfft! That's too ridic... No!
You so do, Simon. No.
109
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,480
You are harbouring sexual tension.
110
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:00,920
No.
111
00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,720
Says the man trying
to wank off his SA-80.
112
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:10,080
But...oh, yes, well, OK. OK.
113
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,720
The boss is, purely objectively,
a very attractive woman.
114
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,000
If she were a civilian,
would I notice her? I might well do.
115
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,560
But this is the army,
so I do not notice her.
116
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:20,800
Right.
117
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,200
Good.
118
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,880
Could I imagine...being with
someone not unlike her?
119
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:33,400
Say...enjoying a sharing platter
at a local gastro pub?
120
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,920
Waking up every morning,
next to her,
121
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,160
waiting for little Denise, and...
122
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,480
Simon Jr to scamper in? No.
123
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,000
Because she is an officer,
and I am not.
124
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,880
And some of us, Bird,
respect boundaries.
125
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,400
Oh, so you're having a go at me now?
126
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,960
No, what happened between you and
Nick is entirely your own business.
Oh, thank you!
127
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,080
No matter how unprofessional
and sordid it was.
128
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:58,760
So, I do not need lessons from you
on how not to fancy the boss.
129
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,240
Which I don't anyway, so...
130
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,520
You know she's totally into you?
What? Oh.
131
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,520
No. That's terrible.
132
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:10,800
Yeah!
133
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,360
But...since you saved her
from that grenade,
134
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,960
it's basically inevitable.
135
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,200
Is it?
136
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,440
Look, I never told anyone this,
137
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,600
but the reason me and Nick happened?
138
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:27,760
We did this exercise where he had to
rescue me, and it totally got to me.
139
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,560
We HAD to shag,
140
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:34,120
otherwise sexual tensions
would've ruined unit cohesion.
141
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,800
So you're saying that me
and the boss, we need...? No! No.
142
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,560
No, because, like with me and Nick,
143
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,160
that would be
sordid and unprofessional.
144
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,720
Now, you need to talk to her.
145
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:46,160
Yeah, get everything on the table,
146
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,160
so you can take it off the table. Ha!
147
00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,320
Otherwise we have sex on that table.
148
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:51,880
Her on top, obviously.
149
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,920
Rank hath its privileges.
150
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:56,240
No, it's operational purposes...
151
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,400
Mm-hm. ..to clear the air.
152
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,320
Why did people ever abandon
net and fork?
153
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,600
Best melee weapon ever.
154
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,240
Something better must've come along.
155
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,120
Who came after the Romans?
156
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:16,400
Huns.
157
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:18,480
Vandals. Vikings, eventually.
158
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,760
Well, there you go. Vikings.
159
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,320
An axe would beat a net and fork.
160
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,520
DARKLY: You starting something, pal?
161
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,800
We can't start
without Faruq to translate.
162
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,800
S'all right, Boss.
I've got a bit of Pashto.
163
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,560
Oh, really? Fantastic!
164
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,600
IN PASHTO: Sahr pikheyr.
165
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,800
That's it, I'm out.
166
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,440
Oh. Well, that was...
167
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:51,640
Where is Faruq?
168
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,680
Well, he ripped me off on some DVDs,
so he's probably avoiding me.
169
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,080
Oh, speak of the twat.
170
00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,600
Oi, you!
171
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,200
I asked for two series of Top Gear.
172
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,360
Yes. And not Chinese Top Gear.
173
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:04,600
Proper Top Gear.
174
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,440
Why would I want Chinese Jeremy
Clarkson in a crappy Chinese car,
175
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,200
being racist about the British?
176
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,600
Although...
177
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,840
Chinese Richard Hammond
is PROPER funny.
178
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,240
Alas, I cannot discuss business.
179
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,640
For I am on strike.
180
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:17,960
You what?
181
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,280
You bell-end!
OK, Faruq, can you tell...
182
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,240
Again, alas, no.
183
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:23,560
I am on strike.
184
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:24,800
Er...why?
185
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,440
Today, I heard about
my long-awaited UK visa.
186
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,480
Oh, so now you're all sorted,
you're just going to slack off? No.
187
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,480
I am on a non-priority wait list.
188
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,560
They hope to issue my visa by 2022!
189
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:38,200
Roughly six years after
the Taliban kill me...
190
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,240
for helping you.
191
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:42,280
Well, I'm sorry to hear about that.
But that's just how the system works.
192
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,600
It's not our fault,
there's nothing we can do about it.
193
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:48,960
Fine. Then it is not your fault
there will be no translating today.
194
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,640
It's just how the system works.
195
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,080
THO-O-O—OR!
196
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,160
NE-E-E-ET!
197
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,600
Whoa, whoa! I'm dizzy!
198
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,680
And... FO-O-O-ORK!
199
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,360
Er...boss?
200
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,280
Can I have a word?
201
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:22,480
Sure.
202
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,600
It's come to my attention that...
203
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,680
..certain things have...happened,
204
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:38,560
and those things
205
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:41,040
have had...effects.
206
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,600
Sorry, what things?
HE INTERRUPTS
207
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:46,880
And it's best that we put
those effects on the table,
208
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,960
in case unit cohesion
209
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:54,320
becomes unit de-hesion...un-hesion.
210
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,960
I don't know the right word.
211
00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:58,800
Magnets!
212
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,760
Magnets cohere.
213
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,440
But it is the wrong type
of cohesion.
214
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,880
So, we must be like
215
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,400
two magnets,
216
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,160
with the wrong ends facing
so that they repel.
217
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:17,600
You KNOW what I mean.
218
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,440
So there, it was...
it was on the table
219
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:20,680
and now it's off the table.
220
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,240
It's over.
221
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,280
It's finished.
222
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,800
Magnets.
223
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,200
Thank you for your time.
224
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:37,360
It's been a long tour for Simon,
hasn't it?
225
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,440
It's been a long life.
226
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,440
Ah, Captain Best, would you mind
signing this leaving card?
227
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,640
Oh. Who's it for?
228
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,320
Biffa, the chef.
229
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:46,480
Much loved.
230
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,120
But we're all leaving. We're handing
over the base to the ANA.
231
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,320
This is the first of many,
so chop chop!
232
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,360
Sign here, here, here.
233
00:10:58,840 --> 00:10:59,880
HE COUGHS
234
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:02,480
Bloody moths.
235
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,280
No, fair enough. Carry on!
236
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,440
Simon.
237
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:11,480
What happened? Oh, sorted.
238
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,760
All out in the open.
Mmm... Not what Towerblock said.
239
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,160
What?! He was listening?
240
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,320
He said you made bollock-all sense.
You kept going on about magnets.
241
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,840
I...hmm.
I may have mentioned a magnet.
242
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,200
OK, well, the boss didn't have a
clue what you were talking about. Oh.
243
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,480
You need a new approach.
244
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,840
Do I? Right.
245
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,160
OK. We know she likes you.
246
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,600
No-one can say that's not true.
247
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,680
But she's in far too much denial
to admit it.
248
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,320
Ah...she's resisting.
249
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,160
So you need to make yourself...
250
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,640
irresistible.
251
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:44,960
How, how do I do that?
252
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,760
Find out what she likes in a man,
and be that man.
253
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:50,480
You need to speak to her roommate.
Right.
254
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,960
That's you!
255
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,840
Bird...
256
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,120
what does she like in a man?
257
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,320
Well, since you ask, Simon,
258
00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:00,640
she often says the thing she misses
the most, being in the army, are
259
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,680
intellectual, sensitive men, who...
260
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:05,800
..who like animals.
261
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,160
This poor cow
and its inverted uterus!
262
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,360
I saw that once on a cat...
263
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,040
..after my mate Stevie shoved
a Hoover up its arse.
264
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,640
Are you all right, Simon?
265
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:23,960
It's just so moving.
266
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,720
And intellectually stimulating.
267
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,760
Like a sad crossword.
268
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,640
OK, Towerblock, confirming
disruption. I'm on my way back.
269
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:49,760
'Roger that, boss.
270
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:50,960
'Have a nice paddle.'
271
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:05,000
So, the device is much bigger
than I expected.
272
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,040
Four containers of HME,
circa 30 kilos each, so...
273
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:11,000
'Oh, mint!'
I'm going to need some more pulleys.
274
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,440
'Boss.'
275
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,920
Oh, boss, PLEASE can we blow it
in situ? Please, please, please?
276
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:20,280
No, because then
we'd destroy the bridge
277
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:21,880
that the engineers are coming to fix.
278
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,160
Yeah. The Wedge love a challenge!
279
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,640
Thank you.
280
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:26,960
Boss on the move!
281
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,280
ENGINE RUMBLING
282
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,360
Skip!
283
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:34,640
We've got a dicker.
284
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,000
ROCKET: He's not stopping.
285
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,040
Ma'am.
286
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:41,880
Getting chatter on ICOM.
287
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,840
OK, Rocket, if I give the word,
take him out.
288
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:47,800
Wait!
289
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:48,920
It's just Faruq.
290
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,160
Should I still shoot him, skip?
291
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:54,560
SADLY: No.
292
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:00,920
Hello, my friends!
293
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,840
Not a dicker, just a dick.
294
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,520
You not on strike any more then?
295
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,280
I am merely bringing refreshments
for the ANA.
296
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,400
ROCKET: Oh!
297
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,480
Behold, sorbets!
298
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,080
I have mango, opium, chicken.
299
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,160
Oh!
300
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,400
Bit more on ICOM.
301
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,920
Faruq, you want to help us out here?
302
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,680
Ah. Sadly, I remain on strike.
303
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,880
Oh, then you won't be able to
translate this!
304
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,080
GUNFIRE
305
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,880
Contact! Contact! Contact!
306
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:33,960
Boss!
307
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,880
ICOM'S going mental!
Faruq, what are they saying?
308
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,080
Take it!
309
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,840
Faruq, will you stop
being a bell-end?
310
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:58,880
The barren spinster...
311
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,040
..is by the river.
312
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,160
They are trying to capture
Captain Ellen!
313
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,240
Simon! Six o'clock, in the river!
314
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:28,880
They are retreating.
315
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,560
GUNFIRE STOPS
316
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,400
Are you OK, boss?
Fine.
317
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,880
Much as I hate to say it,
Faruq just saved your arse, there.
318
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:41,920
Faruq?
319
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,880
Don't worry, ma'am,
I was all over your arse.
320
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,600
Er, no, I meant an eye on the...
Yes, thanks, Simon.
321
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:51,240
Towerblock, if Faruq wasn't
on strike, we'd be aware of the
threat in the first place.
322
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,640
I'm just saying, maybe we should
try and sort his visa.
323
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,000
If Faruq stays on strike,
we can't do training,
324
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,520
ops are compromised.
325
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,240
At least ask the Colonel
about it, boss.
326
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:03,600
Look, if you think you can do
something about it, then be my guest.
327
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,600
ROCKET: Chicken...not nice.
328
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,080
Should've gone for the opium.
329
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,240
Eurgh!
330
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,600
Sir. At ease, Corporal.
331
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,040
Now, what can I do for you?
332
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,080
Sir, it's about Faruq's visa.
333
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,720
He won't get it until 2022.
334
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,120
By which time the Taliban will be
335
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,600
using his skull as
a novelty commode.
336
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,880
Tricky.
337
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,960
Trouble is, Captain Best
didn't exactly give him
a glowing reference.
338
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,960
So, if he had a better reference...?
339
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,360
Who knows?
340
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:39,520
Well, I do.
341
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,320
He'd get put on the priority wait
list and get a visa within weeks.
342
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,520
Here's his application,
should anyone wish to...
343
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:46,760
reconsider matters.
344
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,640
He hasn't helped himself, mind.
345
00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:52,120
Look at his CV!
346
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,320
"Interpreter, salesman...
347
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:55,480
"crooner"?!
348
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:58,280
Well, who hasn't
pimped their CV a bit?
349
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,040
Mine says that I'm a team player
who's good with people!
350
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,360
Now piss off, you twat!
351
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:04,800
See?
352
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,920
I'm not sure this is going to work.
353
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,640
About-turn on that medal.
354
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:19,800
What woman doesn't love
the sight of glistening muscles?
355
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,440
Oh, God, I smell like
a bloody chip shop.
356
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,000
Trust me, Simon.
I'm close to jumping you myself.
357
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,120
Right.
358
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,080
Aah!
THUD
359
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,400
All right? Yes...
360
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,480
Listen, you know how you said
Faruq's visa wasn't our fault?
361
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,400
Well...it is.
362
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,560
How? I wrote him
a nice, honest reference.
363
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,880
Which is exactly why they won't
let him in the country.
364
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,640
Well, it's too late to
change it now.
365
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,800
And even if it isn't, it's against
my principles to just lie.
366
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,440
Yeah. I mean, you know
what the Taliban do
367
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,040
to 'terps that they capture, but...
368
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,000
your principles, yeah,
they come first.
369
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,320
Yeah, I get that, ma'am,
I really fucking get it.
370
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:11,520
Cha-a-a-a-arge!
371
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:13,840
Whoa-oh!
372
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:14,880
Whoa!
373
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,960
CRASH
374
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:19,880
DEBRIS RATTLES
375
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,000
ROCKET GRUNTS
376
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,120
HE PANTS
377
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,600
HE GROANS
378
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:30,000
And fork!
379
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,520
Not the bollocks!
380
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:32,640
Oh!
381
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:33,960
Ma nipples!
382
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,800
Ah, Captain Best.
383
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,360
What can I do for you?
384
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:45,280
I would like to file
a new reference for Faruq,
385
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:46,640
to help with his visa.
386
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,160
Impossible, sadly,
the application's in the system now.
387
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,080
But Towerblock said... Unless...
388
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,120
if there had been
a mistake with the paperwork,
389
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:54,680
I'm sure people would understand.
390
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,480
Fog of war, and all that.
391
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,920
Sir, I have made a...
392
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,880
..mistake, with Faruq's reference.
393
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,160
Really?
394
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,320
Gosh!
395
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:12,760
That's not like you.
396
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,640
No, it's not.
It's really, really not.
397
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,160
But I, accidentally...
398
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,440
..filed a reference
meant for someone else.
399
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,520
Are you sure?
400
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:24,920
I've got a copy here.
401
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,040
Let's have a little look.
402
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:30,800
"His attitude to property
is morally flexible."
403
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,080
Yes, I did write that.
404
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,360
But that is actually...
405
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,920
..Mac's end of tour appraisal.
406
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,120
Really?
407
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,800
Ah, well of course.
408
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,920
"His spoken English is passable
at best." That does make sense.
409
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:45,760
This is the correct one.
410
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,720
"He is an exemplary colleague,
and trusted friend."
411
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,040
What a contrasting tone.
412
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:53,720
HE CHUCKLES
413
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,160
So, you want to swap the two?
414
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,680
If it wouldn't be
too much trouble, sir.
415
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,840
Oh, I've just remembered.
416
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,000
I've got
a paperwork-related problem, too.
417
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,240
Now, what was it again?
418
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:06,280
Oh, yes.
419
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,280
The ammunition audit!
420
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,920
You couldn't just append
your signature here, here...
421
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,520
and here,
422
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:15,560
could you?
423
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,240
Certainly, sir. Mmm.
424
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:23,880
Thank you, Captain.
425
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,240
And I will just do...
426
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,440
this.
427
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,680
There.
428
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,680
That wasn't so bad, was it?
429
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:32,960
No, sir.
430
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,000
Carry on.
431
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,800
Romance?! Really?
432
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,440
What can I say? We're roomies.
433
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,080
She likes a bit of candlelight,
a bit of music.
434
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,760
Simon, it's for the good
of the team.
435
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:49,480
No, I am SHIT at romance.
436
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,120
Once, for Charlotte, I put
a hundred candles in our bedroom.
437
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,840
FYI...
438
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,280
it takes seconds for a polycotton
duvet to be consumed by flame, so...
439
00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:01,080
She actually said your name
in her sleep last night.
440
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:02,920
You...
441
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,200
DREAMILY: "Oh, Si-i-imon...
442
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,360
"Si-i-imo-o-o-on!"
443
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,800
Oh, God.
444
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:12,920
Poor Ellen.
445
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,320
Yeah, poor Ellen.
446
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:17,200
Poor, poor Ellen.
447
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,040
I suddenly really need the toilet.
448
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,360
I'm not having...
449
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,080
Taking a piss.
450
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,040
And not a...sex piss.
451
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,680
The hand will remain stationary
at all times.
452
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,960
And so, the decline of
the Roman Empire remains a mystery.
453
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:15,840
TOWERBLOCK: Bollocks!
454
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,960
There's no way
that net and fork's any good.
455
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,920
An army that marches
with net and fork is invincible.
456
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:22,200
As I will prove,
457
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:23,400
when we get back to base.
458
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,160
You're on.
459
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,240
Mr Towerblock.
460
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,640
I have a present for you!
461
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,360
The puddings of Yorkshire!
462
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:33,880
Oh, mint! Where'd you get them?
463
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,240
You don't want to know.
464
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,840
And you probably
don't want to eat them.
465
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:39,560
But is the thought that counts!
466
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,600
Sort-of-cheers, Faruq.
467
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,280
No, thank YOU.
468
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:48,200
For, this morning, I have heard
that my visa is being fast-tracked.
469
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,280
Kilmarnock, here I come!
470
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:51,320
Kilmarnock?
471
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,480
Hmm. You'll be begging to
come back within a month.
472
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,440
Ah, Captain Ellen!
473
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:58,720
For you!
474
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:02,160
The Great Chinese Bake Off!
475
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,760
Thanks!
476
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,080
I am now back to work!
477
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:09,640
Right. Well, could you get our
ANA colleagues to have a look at
what I've pulled out of the ground?
478
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,000
With much pleasure!
479
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,760
Oh, boss, you care to join me?
480
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,480
Oh, sorry. IED report.
481
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:42,840
What do you want, Simon?
482
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,120
I just wanted to...
483
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,120
We should actually be sitting...
484
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:50,160
It doesn't matter.
485
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,240
GUITAR STRUMS
486
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,920
Ooh, got some flowers.
# I need some love like
I've never needed love before
487
00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,520
# Wanna make love to ya, baby
488
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,600
# Had a little love
489
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,320
# Now I'm back for more... #
There we are.
490
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,120
# Wanna make love to ya, baby... #
OK, clearly we DO need to talk.
491
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:10,360
Faruq, shhh!
492
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,320
There's been too much
dishonesty recently,
493
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,680
so I want you to be
completely straight with me. OK.
494
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,240
Do you find me attractive?
495
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:20,880
No! The opposite of that.
496
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:23,680
OK...and thanks, by the way.
497
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:26,880
So, you're sure you don't have
any feelings for me?
498
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,840
Oh! Is this what you're getting
from all this? Huh!
499
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,720
Because if you do, that's OK.
500
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,760
Is it? Yes. Then I do!
501
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,120
I really do! I...
502
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,240
I think I love you, Captain Best!
503
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,480
But...I'm your superior officer,
so you must get over them.
504
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,360
I could go to Sandhurst,
to be a Captain too. No.
505
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:46,800
Or I could...quit the army,
506
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,160
right now.
507
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,320
I resign.
508
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,800
I resi-i-i...
VELCRO RIPS SLOWLY
509
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,000
There!
510
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,080
I'm free of the army.
511
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,480
No, you're in breach of uniform
regulations! Get a grip, Corporal!
512
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:00,640
But...
513
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,080
you have feelings for me too...
514
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:04,920
..don't you?
515
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,640
I respect you
very much as a soldier,
516
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:09,000
but beyond that, no.
517
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,680
But I saved your life!
518
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,760
And you were doing your job.
(Twice!) Both times.
519
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,640
So, I'm sorry that you feel
this way, Simon,
520
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:18,920
but I do not, will not,
and cannot reciprocate.
521
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:21,720
Clear? Ma'am.
522
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:30,680
GUITAR STRUMS
523
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:37,720
# Whatever I said, whatever I did
524
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:39,160
# I didn't mean it
525
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,720
# I just want you back for good
526
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,280
# Want you back
527
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:44,880
# Want you back
528
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,760
# Want you back for go-o-od
529
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:48,320
# Whenever I'm wrong... #
530
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:49,640
She loves me not.
531
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:51,920
She loves me not.
532
00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:54,200
She loves me not.
533
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:57,520
She loves me not.
534
00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,640
What the fuck did you make me do?
535
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,640
Oh, it was therapy!
536
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:10,400
If I hadn't done all that,
you'd be hung up on her for years,
like with Charlotte. But...
537
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:12,080
Now, you can move on.
538
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,200
Find someone new.
539
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:15,560
There's no-one.
540
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,440
SHE SIGHS
There will be.
541
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:20,600
Someone on your level.
Someone who shows an interest in you.
542
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,760
ROMANTIC WISTFUL GUITAR
543
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:28,920
Fucking hell!
544
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,360
Not me, you dickhead!
545
00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:32,960
Oh, God! Oh, God!
546
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,000
Oh, God!
547
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:36,880
(Oh, God.)
548
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:48,640
Oh!
549
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,240
Rifle's no fair!
550
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:52,320
It's got to be a melee weapon!
551
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:53,880
Fix bayonets.
552
00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,000
OK...
553
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,600
but no bullets.
554
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:01,800
That'd be cheating.
555
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:10,120
LOW DRUM, SPEEDING UP
556
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,040
On my signal,
557
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:21,320
unleash he-e-e-e-ell!
558
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:22,360
Argh!
559
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,680
AIRHORN BLASTS
560
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,120
My net!
561
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:27,160
Ah!
562
00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,200
Ah, shit! No!
563
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,320
Oh.
564
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,000
Help!
565
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,360
Well...
566
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:36,680
that answered that question.
567
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,800
ROCKET LAUGHS MADLY
568
00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,520
Fork!
MAC GROANS
569
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:45,680
Fork, fork, fork!
MAC GROANS
570
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:47,680
Fork!
571
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:48,720
Fork! Fork...
39019
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