Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Brilliant! Found you! Sergeant Morrision, is it?

Yes, ma'am. Captain Ellen Best.

I'm the new ATO with Bluestone 42 who are...

Oh.

THEY PANT

Come on, Mac!

We tabbed it over. Which was...informative.

Thirsty!

They're a work in progress, but excellence takes time.

As does fitness...

trust...

and everything else.

So, you found a stash of home-made explosive? Just over here.

You lot are slower than my nipper, and she shuffles on her arse.

You got here last!

I was bringing up the rear! The fastest goes at the back.

The fastest gets there first.

I don't think you understand what a race is, Towerblock.

It wasn't a race. You're just saying that cos I won.

You didn't win. The fittest brings up the rear!

Back me up here, Bird. Oh, whatever.

Fight your own battles.

Not really how the army works, but thanks, Bird.

OK, team!

Let's see some fives and twenties, set up an ICP and...

HE PANTS AND GROANS

Simon, are you OK? Totally ready, ma'am.

Good.

Can't believe she made us tab it all the way back.

It's called leadership, Mac. Is it?

Nick would've sorted out transport...

..somehow.

Or got us to carry him.

Oh, I think she's the kind of leader we've been crying out for.

You fancy her. What? No.

It's called the chain of command.

Ah, got you!

"Oh, Captain, tie me up with your chain of command.

"Oh, ma'am! Oh!"

OK, guys. Take a seat, take a seat.

Right.

Why did we join the Army? Go!

Don't think about it. Go.

Shoot people. Free food!

Blow shit up. Annoy my parents.

Do you want to know why I joined the army?

I joined the army because I wanted to...

Er, boss? Oh, sorry. Yes, Simon. Go ahead.

I wanted to be the best.

Great, yes! Me too!

I wanted to be the best.

And I want you to want to be the best.

So that's why, after Ops, my teams always have coldies and PMA.

Great!

What is that?

Cold drinks and a Post Match Analysis of the last operation.

A totally non-judgemental chat about all the mistakes that were made.

What? But we found the HME and blew it up.

SHE GASPS Oh, was that wrong?

No. But I've seen the way you operate.

Or the way you've been allowed to operate.

"Allowed to operate"?

Look at this. This is six months out of date.

This hasn't been current since Herrick 14.

And this is smeared with what I can only hope is chocolate spread.

Are we really being the best?

At putting up posters? Probs not.

Ma'am, let me volunteer to sort out the notice board.

There it is.

And the storage system in the team ISO needs to be rationalising.

He wants to sort out your box, ma'am.

OK. Thank you. So, I put some cans in the evidence fridge before we left.

I'll get them! Mint. Gleaming!

Cold drinks help with alertness.

Alertness leads to a positive attitude.

I call it alertitude.

The fridge... It's gone!

ALL: What?

See? No fridge!

My cheese was in that fridge!

BOTH: No, it wasn't.

Bloody hell.

OK, guys. Very funny.

This is the Bluestone 42 I've heard about!

So where's the fridge? Fuck knows.

Ma'am.

OK. Great!

Humour!

Wind up the new ATO.

But humour can get in the way of best practice

and that is what's happened here. So...

Boss, we didn't nick it! Everyone wants a cold drink.

So where's the fridge?

Or will I have to check your quarters?

OK, then.

Right. So where is it?

Am I really going to have to tell the colonel there's a thief on base?

Oh! Is there?

Humour again. Good.

We didn't nick it.

OK, if none of you are going to admit it...

No?

..I'll go and see the colonel.

No?

OK, I'll go.

Nice! She thinks we're a bunch of thieving bastards

and she basically just called Nick a dick.

How we've been "allowed to operate"?

In all fairness, Nick was a bit of a dick.

Mmm, Nick was the best.

To me, all the Ruperts just meld into one massive Rupert.

Yeah! There's a new broom in town, Bird.

She's cleaning up.

She's cleaning us. She's...

Never mind!

Fancies her! Too right!

Come on, let's go and get a brew. Oh! Race you to the cookhouse.

First one to get there wins, just in case you'd forgotten.

For fuck's sake!

I'm as fit as a butcher's dog, me.

A butcher's dog on steroids.

The kind of steroids that make you weak and slow?

Beep test. Jerrycan test.

I'll beat Rocket at anything!

Do both! In Catterick our sergeant made us do a beep test

carrying jerrycans after we put a Thunderflash down a toilet.

Rocket still got an 11.

Aye. And covered in shit.

Come on, then.

Ah, Captain Best.

Putting your team through their paces, I see.

Oh!

Great! Always good to focus on fitness and appearance.

Look smart, think smart, fight smart.

Hm. I had no idea those three separate things were linked.

Illuminating. Well, got to raise the standards after...

You know. Do go on.

Nick Medhurst...

..is a great ATO, but I do things my way.

Which, you'll be pleased to hear, is the Army way.

Oh. Is it?

Yes, sir. He gave them a lot of leeway.

Practical jokes. Humour.

Oh, no...

Is that your fridge, sir?

Yes, got to keep the gazpacho cold.

It's just that it says Bluestone 42 on it.

Does it?

Well, I never!

I suppose you'd better have this back.

Thank you, sir! The team will...

I'm sure it'll be just as effective on another fridge...

Oh. ..should you need one.

You're not really collecting DNA evidence any more, are you? With the drawdown.

No, sir, but... What's the first rule?

Finders keepers. What's the second rule? Losers weepers.

Carry on. Yes, sir.

Beep! Beep!

Beep! Beep!

What are you? Roadrunner?

Beep! Beep!

Erm, hi.

Turns out the colonel has the fridge.

So, good news - you guys didn't steal it.

Apologies in order. Issued. Tick. We all move on.

Er, do we, boss?

I mean, you falsely accused your team of stealing,

but I'm sure they'll learn to trust you again.

Eventually. Bird, it's only a fridge.

A fridge that Nick got them. And that was not easy.

Oh, he was brilliant.

Well, it's standard issue, isn't it?

DNA evidence? I'll just requisition a new one.

Good idea, ma'am. That'll definitely work. Mm.

One more thing.

I've been looking at what Nick probably thought of as his paperwork

and there's no record of refresher training

on Battlefield Life-saving Skills, Health and Safety...

Oh, we didn't have time for that. What with this, erm...

..war.

Sure. But you didn't do any Rapid Response training?

Situational Awareness? Oh, we did Situational Awareness.

Yeah, Rocket got confused. Thought we were playing hide and seek.

So we played hide and seek. Which was awesome.

See you later!

Beep! Beep!

Beep! For fuck's sake!

Scotland, the fittest nation on earth! Beep!

I don't fucking believe it.

Great work, guys!

Hands in the air. I've let you down on the fridge.

Nick's fridge. The team fridge. So I will get you a new one.

Promise. Beep! Is he all right?

He's fine. Beep!

Probably needs new batteries.

Beep!

Ah, ma'am. Would you like to inspect your new, tidy Iso?

Sure. And do call me Ellen.

I've been wanting to do this for ages, but Nick was all,

"Don't bother, Medal."

Ah, sorry, I should explain.

Sometimes the guys like to call me Medal.

Oh, have you got a... No, not yet.

Nick wrote me up for one, but the committee's probably deciding

what "no regard for his own safety" means in medal terms.

Anyway...er...

Wow!

That is, er, a bit tidier than it was before.

Thank you, Simon.

I've left space for the fridge,

if some bloody clown owns up to stealing it.

Well, actually the Colonel has it. But we're getting a new one.

No, you're not! What?

I can't possibly allow this requisition.

By the time a new fridge gets here, the Afghans will be in charge.

As I think I've shown, the only way to get a fridge is to steal one.

Sir, I hope that's not... Carry on!

That's fine. I will get a fridge somehow.

That is a Captain Best promise.

Oh, yes, ma'am...

Ellen.

Are you OK?

Oh! Yes! It's just the sun.

This tent's actually been set up all wrong.

It should actually have been oriented ten degrees that way.

You want me to move the Det by ten degrees?

Could you?

THEY LAUGH Sure.

Great! OK! And I will check!

Jasmine!

Where the fuck did you come from? Are you stalking me?

I need help beating Rocket

and you've got something other people just don't have.

Drugs? I'll get the price list.

No. Not that. Come here.

Touch me again and I'll cut your nuts off!

Beep! Faster, you piece of meat!

Is this the sort of level you're after? Yeah...

Beep!

I will take a razorblade to your fucking perineum!

Aaargh! This is fun!

Fuck your enemy! Fuck him in the eye!

Right, better make this the last hand of the night.

We have got work to do.

C'mon, Rocket. Bling!

Hmm? Oh! I still think we should have invited Ellen to play.

Oooh, Ellen!

What? She said I could. It's her name.

# Ellen and Medal up a tree

# W-A-N-K-I-N-G H-I-M O-F-F. #

W-A...

"Waking him up"?

Hi, guys. Ooh, cards.

Yep.

Kicking back with a bit of poker and some nice warm drinks.

When life doesn't give you a fridge, drink warm lemonade. Mmm!

Bird, can I have a word?

Yep. I fold anyway.

OK, a-hem...

The Colonel.

Is he always so, erm...

I...

He's nuts, isn't he?

Yeah. Pretty much.

He said the only way to get a fridge is to steal one.

Interesting.

Do you think he wants me to steal the fridge back?

Erm...

Probably.

Yeah, yes.

You should totally do that.

I could get into so much trouble. Mm.

Still, you did promise.

Guys, I am going to steal the fridge back.

From a Lieutenant Colonel. For you. My team.

All right. Ma'am, I volunteer to be lookout.

No. I think this is something I have to do on my own.

Got it!

"Wanking him off"!

But why up a tree?

TENSE MUSIC

DOOR CREAKS

Oh, shit it!

You want fridge?

Yes. No. Yes...if you can get one by tomorrow morning.

50 dollars. It is agreed.

Wait, 50? 30. Half off for first order.

Well, I haven't seen the... Half off is 25.

Five dollar booking fee. Bye-bye!

Towerblock, are you OK?

You look like my mum after my Uncle Rab's been round

for his afternoon lie-down. We are having a Beep Test rematch.

1600 hours. Out there. And I'm going to beat you!

Are you? OK.

Notice anything?

Yeah, your chin is on my shoulder.

The Det.

No?

We moved it. Ten degrees.

Why?

Captain Best didn't like the way the sun was coming in.

Typical Rupert!

Surprised she didn't get you to move the sun instead!

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Towerblock. She's not insane!

Oh, is this about Simon moving the Det because he fancies Ellen?

THEY LAUGH MOCKINGLY No. She gave me orders, so I obey them.

That's why ye fancy her. Ye like being ordered about.

Your old fiancee used to order you about and you liked that.

No... Aye. Captain Best, the new Charlotte.

Ha-ha-ha!

She is not the new Charlotte.

Morning, Boss.

Morning!

Notice anything?

The Det, we moved it as ordered.

Simon, I was joking!

Yes.

I knew that...

and we moved it as part of the joke!

For fuck's sake! Eh?

Erm...funny!

And we'll be moving it back.

So...

..the joke's on you!

Or us...

Or someone.

Ah-ha! One Captain Best promise delivered.

Faster than requisition! Cheaper than Dixons!

Faruq, that's a wooden box, painted white.

Yes. You put a block of ice in the top,

will keep the contents cold two, three hours.

Where am I going to get a block of ice from?

You want freezer? Oh, you've got a freezer?

No, it's just another box, isn't it?

Well...

No, just...

OK. Hands in the air. I'm sorry.

I have failed on the fridge front.

But can we just get on with analysing yesterday's operation?

But we need coldies. You did promise, Boss.

This is pathetic! We're soldiers.

We should want to be the best with or without coldies.

I'm trying to create a different mind-set here but you know what?

Just fuck it!

Let's just muddle along until someone else gets blown up!

Er, Boss, you know Nick's injury wasn't his fault?

You've read the report. I know, I know. No respect.

Fine, Bird, I'll say it. I don't respect Nick Medhurst.

Why? Because he didn't respect you. Any of you.

Because he didn't push you.

I extended my tour for you,

because I heard that you could be the best team in Afghan.

Potential operator. Potential chief bleep.

Potential Army 100.

Special Forces.

Very tidy.

But in order to do that, you have to work at it, hard.

So can we forget about the stupid fridge?

Nick would've got it back.

No, he wouldn't! How?

I don't know, Boss. Maybe he'd have just asked.

Ask? Genius! I have actually...

I haven't specifically...

I will ask. Meeting postponed.

Follow me, bitch.

Oh, not again. It's beast o'clock.

Sir.

Ah, Captain! Like the new Det.

Jaunty.

Er, yeah, thanks. Can I ask...

It's not really orthodox, using basil in gazpacho,

but I find it just works.

What's the first rule?

Do what works.

I'm not really a recipe kind of a girl, sir.

I just eat what's in the tin. Anyway...

Yes, but sometimes, you have to think outside the tin.

Fresh fruit and things like that?

I mean let go of the tin. You don't need the tin.

Approach the problem in a less tinny way.

Sir, about the fridge. Should I talk to the CQMS or...

No.

All the fridges you need...

..are already here.

Sir, can I have the fridge back? No.

Right. OK.

Sir. Sorry, Boss, shout on. Transport in ten.

Sir.

Ooh, gazpacho.

Mmm!

PEOPLE CHATTER

Faruq.

Do you want to come and take a look once I've rendered it safe?

You'll need experience at the business end

if you're going to be an operator. Oh, mint. Cheers, Boss!

Bumlick!

We've got a new Ato, Bird. Get over it. Everyone else has.

Yeah, at the exact moment she blew smoke up our arses.

So, standard procedure. I want you 30 yards back, OK?

Yes, ma'am.

MIMICKING HIM: Yes, ma'am! Have you got a hard-on?

No, it's the constriction of the blood flow with the bla...

I haven't anyway! Eyes on!

Actually, Bird, can we widen the cordon to 150 metres?

Really, Boss? Why?

I don't like the atmospherics.

Because the device feels rushed, like it's a come-on.

And because, Corporal, I'm a captain

and a highly-trained Ato on my second fucking tour!

Yes, Boss.

Charlie Charlie One, this is Bluestone 42. We are extending

the cordon to one five zero metres.

Diamond 21, acknowledge. Over.

Diamond 21. Roger. Out.

Check this guy out. He looks about 160.

Keep your eyes on him. He could be a threat.

Ha! Him? What's he going to do?

Come up close and piss hisself? Ha-ha-ha!

OK. Cordon secure, Boss.

Thank you, Bird.

Observation, anticipation, control.

Boss on the move!

That guy's really lost it.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Get back!

Boss, get back!

Cover!

FARUQ SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Wadrega!

Hands in the air!

Hands in the air!

SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Everyone down!

EXPLOSION

Fuckin' hell!

Fuck me!

Everyone OK?

Skip? Skip? Are you all right?

Yes.

You all right, Towerblock? You all right, Bird?

Yeah!

Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42. Contact, suicide bomber.

Sitrep to follow. Wait out.

His fuckin' head came off! Did you see it?

That was fuckin' mingin'!

I thought he was just some old stoned guy.

He was. They get guys that are about to die, they drug them

and they talk them into it.

That is fucked up!

Yeah, well, that's the Taliban.

First suicide bomber?

Yeah. I think so.

We had a couple in Kandahar.

You always get traumatic amputation of the head.

SHE MAKES BURSTING SOUND

No, it's not nice.

Sorry, Nick Medhurst would probably say something humorous now

to get you all laughing but, er...

Well, I'm just going to get the job done and get you home ASAP, yeah?

It's a shame we're not collecting forensics.

There's a bit on Mac's face.

Eh?

Urgh! Fuck!

HE RETCHES

I think I'm going tae boak!

DNA evidence! Bird, that is genius!

Bloody hell.

Yep, that'll do it.

Could you find Captain Best for me? Yes, sir.

# Where's your head at?

# Where's your head at? Where's your head at? #

The race is ready to begin.

Will the players take their jerrycans!

If you lose, I will catheterise you with a bendy straw!

What have I done?

Here's yours, Towerblock.

No! I don't fancy running with these English cans.

They're way heavier. You what?

THUD

LIGHT ECHO

You cheating bastard! That's how he beat me the first time.

So I am the fittest.

Oh, forget it. Test's off.

Oh, test's off? I thought we could all do it together.

Team bonding.

Bonding? With that cheating bastard?

Chill out, Towerblock.

Literally...with a cold drink.

Fuck me, it's the fridge! Ooh, is there ice cream?

How did you get it back?

Well...

That is mingin'! Jesus, Boss!

I double-bagged it! Basic food hygiene!

Had to get the fridge back somehow.

And I thought, what would Nick Medhurst have done?

Not that! He wasn't a psychopath!

Not sure he'd have bothered to get it back at all.

Or he'd have got it and just stuck it in his quarters.

Yeah, thinking about it, he'd have probably just told us to fuck off.

Aye. Yeah. Well, I'm sure he wouldn't.

Anyway, why don't we all do the test and work up a thirst?

Work up a thirst? It's 36 degrees in the shade!

Tell me about it.

I just finished moving the bloody Det back.

Simon, you didn't have to...

Good! Great work!

HE BABBLES

OK, is everyone doing the test?

THEY AGREE

Bit tired, but I suppose so, Charlotte.

THEY LAUGH MOCKINGLY

Captain. Charlotte?

I said Captain, Boss, ma'am.

OK...Grab those jerrycans, everyone.

Um, Jasmine, will you do the honours?

I would be fucking delighted.

Beep!

MUSIC: The Final Countdown by Europe

Ha-ha! Yes!

Hey, Mac, now who's the fittest, eh?

Who's the fittest?

Uh, fucking hell. That woman is a machine.

Beep!

Beep!

APPLAUSE

Great work, everyone! Coldies!

Nice one, Boss! Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

PMA first thing tomorrow morning.

Now though, we need to return the...

DNA evidence, so they can have a proper burial.

Towerblock, can you run it back to the village for me? What, now, Boss?

Ma'am, I've got this.

Pick it up...and fucking run, you tapeworm!

Pick it up, pick... Run, fucking run...

Run, you fuckwit, fucking run!

Everyone else, situational awareness training in 15 minutes.

Situational awareness! Brilliant!

I'll count to 100 and you all go and hide.

Best team in Afghan. You know it.

Three...four...five...

six...seven...eight...

er, nine...

ten...11?

Uh...