Original subtitles

- [Dispatcher] Papa Kilo, Papa Kilo.

- Papa Kilo receiving.

- [Dispatcher] Got a Cat One respiratory arrest.

- Ooh! Uh, received!

Cat One! Bus' on them blues!

- Cat One for the dream team!

- Hey Wendy, put on my Cat One playlist.

Let's turn this ambo into a lambo.

("Mr. Brightside" by the Killers playing)

- This is a good one.

Yeah.

- What the skinny jeans hell is this?

- It's a classic, Mr. Brightside!

- Wendy, have you been putting tunes on my Cat One playlist?

- No.

- Wendy, I told you it's sacred, man, you don't touch it.

It even says "Maleek's Cat One Playlist,

Wendy do not touch."

- Yeah, but it's all so serious?

And a lot of those songs are disrespectful to women.

- Ugh.

- You know, it's all "bitch" this, and "bitch" that,

and "shake your bunda this,

and now shake your bunda that."

- It just gets me in the zone.

I can't get in the zone to this.

If the mandem see me singing that song,

I'm gonna have to crash this ambo into a wall.

(Audio playing "Mr. Brightside")

♪ Jealousy ♪

♪ Turning saints into the sea ♪

♪ Swimming through sick lullabies ♪

♪ Choking on your alibis ♪

♪ But it's just the price I pay ♪

♪ Destiny is calling me ♪

♪ Open up my eager eyes ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm Mr Brightside ♪

(radio alarm blaring)

- Oh!

- [Dispatcher] Cat One Papa Kilo,

can I get an update please?

- Yo, uh, I'm out of breath.

We'll be there soon.

(funky intro music starts)

(funky intro music continues)

(PA system squeaks)

- This is God.

No uninvited girlfriends allowed in the depot.

I'm talking to you, June.

Thank you, ah, nice of you to join us.

Right.

Listen up, bell ends.

NHS higher-ups are worried about our mental health,

what with the shit show of COVID, so,

they've had a genius idea.

- Ooh, I hope it's a pay raise.

- No, that might actually help.

We have a counsellor visiting us for the day

who is gonna be assessing us all.

This is George.

- Okay, thanks for that shiny introduction there, Jo.

Okay, I'm not going to do a big speech,

- That's great, 'cause it's changeover,

so if we...

- But, I know that South Hill has had a lot more

mental health problems than any other depot.

(Jo hums)

I am here to make sure

that you're getting the support you need,

so come talk to me whenever you want today.

- Off-shift, obviously.

- Or on.

- No, only off.

- We can discuss that.

- But there's one question that I would like

to leave you with:

If you don't look after yourself,

how can you look after anyone else?

- Yes.

(group clapping)

- Okay. Enough clapping numb-nuts.

Back to work!

(upbeat funky music)

(door slams)

- Hey, it says the patient is anti-social and violent.

- Boxing gloves on!

Violent ones are great.

I need to let off some steam actually.

- That's what I'm worried about.

- So sorry for calling, but I didn't know what else to do.

- Oh, don't worry.

I don't get out much. It's nice to feel wanted.

- She's in there. She's refusing to go into hospital.

- Aww.

(door opening)

Hello there.

- Fuck off!

(plate smashes)

- Is she Greek?

What's wrong with her?

- I shouldn't say it,

but she can be bit of an arse hole sometimes.

- I meant medically.

- Hodgson's Lympho.

Her temperature has sky rocketed

and I'm worried it could be an infection.

I'll go get a dustpan and broom.

- Right, well, we've got all our kit.

- But we don't have anything for an exorcism, Gary.

(funky upbeat music)

- Woo-ee!

Last bit of paperwork before my holidays.

Ah, dead. I wrote holiday instead of seizure.

- I was thinking

of going on a holiday of a lifetime to Brighton.

- Ooh, Brighton! Wow!

- Don't knock my Brighton.

The only thing stopping me from joining your holiday

is Spencer being here.

- Ah, and the most important bit.

I didn't even invite your old dusty arse.

- Oh, you're loss.

And, my arse is not dusty.

It's a bit oily, actually.

I did a pole dancing class the other day.

- Oh gosh, poor pole.

You see that's the nastiness that I'm ducking out from.

A few hours from now I'm going to be living that camel life,

spending that Dahab money,

and smoking shisha,

in the Wiz Khalifa.

- I think you mean the Birge Khalifa, duck.

- The Birge Khalifa, duck.

- There he is.

Lawrence, you incurable rugrat.

Have you kissed June on the lips yet?

- Yeah.

- Have you taken the bus all the way to the station?

Or you stopping off?

- I don't know what that means.

- Are you having sex?

- Yeah, we've been having sex.

- Sex.

- Hmm.

- Nice.

- I mean, perfect on the surface,

but I don't really know what I'm doing.

June's very sexual.

- Sexual, nice, nice.

- I find myself counting during it,

or thinking about Karen,

and then I start weeping.

I mean, is that normal.

- Jo! Help us out!

- Huh, sure.

- So, Lawrence is seeing June.

- Huh, happy for you, Mate.

- And, it's all going down in the bedroom town.

- Bedroom town, nice.

- So?

- It might help if we act this out.

Yeah, so Jo, you am, you be June.

And, Lawrence, you be Lawrence.

There, this role play will make you a much better lover.

- What is happening right now?

- We'll start role playing in a moment.

Say "freeze" when you've got some feedback.

And, action.

- I'll set the scene.

♪ Let me lick you up and down ♪

♪ Till you say stop ♪

♪ Let me play you and your body baby ♪

♪ Make it real hot ♪

- Freeze.

I would rather get water boarded in the gents bogs,

then do whatever this is.

- Is everything all right?

- Busy morning, Loz. All fine.

- Ah.

Jo, I just wanted to say, I never thanked you properly

for pushing me to get back on the dating scene so, thanks.

- Dating scene.

- Yeah.

- You sound like a bloody predator, Loz.

♪ I want to get freaky with you ♪

(upbeat funky music)

(sirens blaring)

- [Dispatcher] Small concussion,

resulting in a fight in a chicken shop in Bermondsey.

Please respond.

- There doesn't look like there's much going on.

Oh, hang on.

- Can't we just leave this to the feds?

- No, you big, fat scaredy cat!

- I ain't scared.

I just don't want to go in there,

get into a madness,

hit in the face and ruin my holiday snaps.

I'm too pain for that.

- Well, I'm going to go inside.

- Yeah, yeah, 'cause you don't want to go home

to your grown arsed sons.

Still lives at home with his Marj.

- So. You still live with your Marj.

- I live in a studio flat,

inside a one bed flat.

I got my own doorbell.

Besides, when she's at home, she's not Mum.

She's landlord.

- You're not listening.

I'm not leaving without my money.

- The police are here.

They going to make you leave.

- Oh, whatever, man.

- We are not feds, bro.

- Hey, taser my man,

and I'll give you free fried chicken for life.

- No.

- The chicken is dead.

- What?

- It's dead, it's burnt.

Everyone knows that the best chicken shops

have that bullet proof glass that protects the chicken.

That's a sugar glass thing at best.

- I think he's concussed.

We need to get him out of here.

- Yeah, I've to to be at terminal two, in two hours.

- Mainly, because this man needs medical help.

- Yes. Yes. Of course, yeah.

Look, we're going to get him out of here.

You lot sort out whatever beef that is.

- Yo, I'm not giving you no money.

- You owe me it!

- Oh, go fry some chicken or wash some dishes or something.

- You think I'm playing, man?

- Wow, wow, wow!

- I won't forget this.

- Wow, wow, wow!

- Alpha, Zulu, Zulu.

Put the cleaver down!

(up tempo music)

- Did you...

Did you just call the police?

- Do I look like a snitch?

- Yeah. Yeah, you do actually.

- Why does everyone say that?

It was her!

- Oh, shut up!

I'm in charge here.

No one's leaving, until I get what I'm owed.

- Oh, for God's sake.

(funky music)

- Do you ever think we don't need two brains?

- Oh, big yes.

If I had my way, I would rip out my brain,

and throw it in the air.

- Yeah, 'cause we don't actually need two.

Think about it.

When I worry, you worry.

When I smile, you smile.

When I want to dance,

you want to dance.

- Maybe this is something we need to talk

to that new counsellor lady about.

Maybe she knows where there is a brain donation centre.

- Bro, if we had to choose, I want it to be your brain.

- No, no, no, no, Mister, we are keeping your brain.

- Hello, is this Jesus?

Can you take the wheel for a second?

We need to play rock, paper, scissors,

to see who's brain we keep.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

(upbeat funky music)

- All right?

George!

- Hello.

- You're ah...

in my office.

- Yeah, I'm looking for the pastoral care files.

- What?

- No? Okay.

How do you log your team's mental health problems, Jo?

- The polaroid wall of pussies, George.

I should remove the one of Tony,

it does seem disrespectful now he's been sectioned.

- This is serious, Jo.

- Oh, nobody is more serious

about mental health than me, George.

Whatever you need, dream catchers,

little watches for your hypnotism.

I will sort it.

- Okay, I'm getting a strong flavour of cynicism here.

- Nah, just more of a drink through the pain kind of girl.

- Well, I was a drink through the pain type of girl,

until therapy, Jo.

Totally saved my life.

- That's great, George.

If you don't mind seeing yourself out,

I've actually got some serious work to do.

- Ah, so what I do, isn't serious work.

Okay, why don't you tell that to your bosses,

because they asked me to come here.

I am here to help you, Jo, and your staff.

- Can you get us more ambulances?

Higher pay and actual social care sector?

Thought not.

- [Dispatcher] Paramedics in hostage situation, Morten Hill.

All units.

- Received.

You've got to go, this is a proper emergency.

Probably not used to those.

Okay. What resources have I have attending?

- Do you know how many people we have in there?

Jeff to Maleek. I'm the IRO.

I'm going to be communicating with you,

during this hostage situation.

So, we can resolve this in a safe way.

- Hi, Maleek!

- It's us!

- Hostage?

Hostage?

I ain't no hostage.

I'm being held against my will.

It's different.

Let's just run in with AK's and start spraying.

I got a flight to catch.

- Maleek, keep calm.

You need to understand the severity of the situation.

What are the demands?

- Blue lights to the airport,

and an upgrade to first class.

Oh, and some premium flight socks.

It's a long haul thing.

I ain't trying to catch blood clots.

- I'm not asking what you want.

Jeff to Wendy, can you please take over communication.

- Hiya, Jeff. You all right, duck?

- What's happening.

- Well, from what I can tell.

This fellow here, Asif,

thinks he's owed money for wages by Mr Boss Man.

- Stop calling him Mr Boss Man, it's just boss man.

- I like Mr Boss Man.

It's fancy.

- But, Mr Boss Man is saying no,

because Asif ate a load of nuggets

at work without paying.

- White lady's right, that's theft.

Nugget's don't grow on trees.

- It's a chicken shop, G.

That's like the beach, getting vexed,

when you take sand home in your socks.

- Exactly.

- See what he wants to let you get the patient out.

And, keep him calm.

This takes as long as it takes.

- Yo! Yo, yo, yo, Jeff, my G, my brother.

Listen, just 'cause we're in a restaurant

doesn't make us waiters.

Orff! Wendy, did you hear that?

Sounded Denzel like.

- Are there waiters in there as well?

- Ah, bun Jeff.

Listen, we're going to sort this out,

how we sort it out on the roads.

- Yeah! I'm going to blow your fucking head clean off

if you don't let us go, right now!

- What?

- Too much?

- You know it is.

- Here it comes.

(monitor clipping)

So, Tasha. How you feeling now?

- Did you cure my cancer?

No?

So, shit.

- I think we need to eat a slice of positive pie.

You never know what's around the corner.

- I do.

More chemo.

Still shit.

God, I really want to punch you.

- If you'd like me to hurt him,

I'm happy to be of assistance.

- Kick him in his arse hole.

Hard.

- He'd enjoy that.

How about this?

(fist punching)

- Aww!

I really like your hair.

Does it run in the family?

- It's a wig, you prick.

Not related to Marge fucking Simpson.

Does your bald spot run in the family?

- Well, I had an uncle...

I think I left my radio in the ambulance.

- Listen, egg head, you've had your fun.

Now, you're going into hospital.

- Make me.

- If you don't get in now and this is an infection,

you may not be around for the next issue.

- The losers at Make a Wish charity,

sent me all future issues,

so I don't have to be around.

- Fucking Make a Wish!

Somebody needs to shut them down.

- Got it.

Someone needs to go in there and ask for beef.

- But, it's a chicken shop.

- Exactly.

They'll be "oh, I'm not sure if we have any beef here, sir."

"We'll have to look out the back."

- It's exactly what they'll say.

- When they're out the back looking for their beef,

that's when everyone storms in and we grab Maleek.

It's a good idea, right?

- Nah, it's a great idea!

We got an idea!

- We got an idea!

- Oh Maleek, he's fitting.

- Oh, God.

Secure his head.

- Yeah.

All right, duck. All right, duck.

- Is he okay?

- Is he okay. No, he's not okay.

We need to get him out of here. Now!

- No, nobody leaves.

- Asif, if he dies, it's murder.

Do you want to be on the front pages

as the Hot wings Slayer?

- Hot wings Slayer. That's actually quite funny.

- Okay, fine.

White lady, you take him out.

- No, no, no, no, let me go.

I'm the one who has a flight to catch.

I need time to get all my liquids in them bags.

They mad fiddly, blud.

- You're staying here with me and boss man.

- What?

- And the police won't charge in.

- Two brown brothers and a black man,

and you think the police won't charge in?

Yeah, good plan, my G.

(uptempo exciting music)

- Positions everyone.

Complete silence now!

- Mum!

Oh, Darrell and Darryl, thank god!

I lost the flat key, Mum gave me

I feel like I've been on the streets for years.

- Shh!

- Where is Mum?

- There's a guy with a cleaver,

holding her and Maleek hostage.

- Why does this always happen to me?

Right, excuse me!

Are you...

- Hey, back.

- Are you in charge?

I need to get my Mum out of there now,

because I am locked out.

- Sir, stay behind the line.

- I'm going to have to bite you.

Sir, I'm warning you. I'm going to have to bite you.

Ow!

- [Wendy ] You all right, love?

- Oh Mum! You're alive!

Thank God!

Mum, look, I lost your key.

So, I asked your neighbours if you had a spare one.

She looked at me like I was a piece of shit.

Do you have a back up key, Mum?

- I think I might stick it out in here.

Asif, bring the shutters down.

- What?

No!

Mum, it's me! It's Spencer!

(down tempo music)

- It's been so hard for us all,

in the run up to the bone marrow transplant.

I'm sorry.

- I can only imagine.

Do you mind if I have a little puff?

- No.

- Hum, didn't realise you smoked.

It makes you look a lot cooler.

I used to smoke Vogues.

- Just like that, you ruined it.

- It's a tough age, especially if you're a "C" word.

Sorry, have the "C" word.

I am talking about cancer, just to clarify.

- She's just disengaged from everything.

She lives for those bloody comic books.

- Oh, I missed the burn. Makes everything better.

- Claire, could I borrow your lighter?

(machine beeping)

I don't want to do this but you're a tough nut to crack.

And guess what?

I'm the nutcracker, bitch!

- You wouldn't.

I'm in the chair!

- That's what I thought.

- Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

You psycho!

- I can handle this.

Okay.

(foot banging on floor)

It's just, it's just a bit singed.

(funky upbeat music)

- No!

No, no, no!

- Let's check in tomorrow, John.

- Great, thank you.

- Thank you.

- George, you need to do your mind reading somewhere else,

and I'll have my office back.

Capish.

- No, the opposite of capish.

- There is no opposite of capish.

- Then no capish, Jo. Capish.

- Do not capish me.

- I've spoken to the regional exec and told him

that this depot is badly in need of additional support.

So, I'm going to be based here for the next few months.

From now on, this office is our office.

Officially.

- Well, I will be calling the regional exec as well,

and I will be telling him that you are a terrible counsellor.

- Okay, Jo.

After observing you today,

I realise what South Hills main mental health problem is.

It's you.

Why don't you sit with that.

- Well, why don't you

sit with this.

(phone pings)

- There goes my flight.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

It's my fault.

You were right, I just didn't want to go home to Spencer.

- You are a hostage to your own son.

Orff, that was very Oprah.

Look, you need to talk to Spencer and set him straight.

Immediately .

- Can you shut up!

I'm trying to enjoy my chicken.

- Excuse me, we're having a conversation here, Mr Rude Head.

- Yeah!

Well, the guy with the big cleaver says, shut up!

- No, I won't.

- Hey.

- I'm fed up!

- Hey, hey, hey.

- I'm no ones' hostage,

and I'm not going to be told what to do,

by a scared little boy,

who thinks he's Big Billie Big Bollocks.

- Just remember,

it was the white girl that said that, yeah.

I was a very good hostage.

- Asif, this has gone far enough.

So, put down the clever and let us go!

- No!

- Right.

(exciting upbeat music)

(counter bangs)

- Give me the key!

Spit it out, man!

(chocking sound)

- I swallowed it.

- Drop it!

- You drop it!

(taser zapping)

(Asif hitting the floor)

(Asif groaning)

(engine roaring)

- It looks like the hostage situation went okay.

- Oh, what? Me and my office and that.

Mind sucker.

- I'm talking about the chicken shop.

- She says I'm a shit team leader,

and I'm the reason South Hills

are a mental health shit show.

Well, she's a shit house.

- You know, I've certainly had my issues over the years.

What with Karen dying,

and that pyramid scheme I got involved in.

- Hmm.

- Mainly Karen.

I was a mess.

I still would be if it wasn't for you.

- Ohh.

Thanks Loz.

I needed to hear that, you big prick.

- You're welcome,

you silly cow.

This is nice.

We haven't had a chat like this for ages, have we?

- No.

Oh, we always had good chats.

- Yeah.

- You and me, since day dot.

- Uh-huh.

Since yeah, dot one.

- Yeah.

An intense connection, I'd say.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

- You know what we're like?

The two amigos.

- The two amigos?

Yeah.

- Two peas in a pod, you and me.

(phone buzzes)

- Ah, sorry.

It's June.

Oh, her mum's taking Sylvia for the night,

so, when the cat's away.

Which reminds me,

do you know where I can get hold of some sheaths?

French letters, some rubber johnnies?

Machine's broken.

- Ahhh.

- Condoms, do you have?

- Yeah, I know.

Um.

- Do you have any that I could borrow?

Not borrow, but...

- Yeah.

- You know what?

I'll get some at the chemist.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I had loads, Loz.

I used up packets, last night.

So,

all out now.

Fill your boots!

- Will do.

Thanks for helping me get over Karen!

- Fuck.

(indistinct)

so I swallowed the key.

Then I was like, ah, what you going to do cuz, yo?

And then I fly kicked him.

I swear, if I'm lying, I'm dying.

Bro, get off me man!

Do I look like a fucking turkey.

- Maleek, we're so glad you're safe, bro.

- You lot are proper gutted

that I didn't get chopped up and put in a bag, ain't it.

- Finally, can we just go home now, please?

I've been so bored, my phone died.

- Spencer, it's great that you've staying with me,

but I need you to get some independence.

And I'm not talking about you using your own toothbrush.

You need to get a job!

Start paying your way!

And if you can't do that,

then I'm afraid you're going to have to go home.

- A, a, a job, job? Like working in the West End?

- No, a proper job.

Something you hate but pays you regularly.

- Why are you doing this?

You already abandoned me once.

- Spencer, you cannot emotionally blackmail me anymore.

So, I'm going to stay here with Maleek and clear up.

And, you are going to call a locksmith.

- A locksmith?

Is this the stone age?

- Yes, Wendy!

That's how you deal with bad breed kids.

Buh, Buh!

- Pow, pow, pow!

- What are you doing?

That's my thing.

If you're going to do my thing,

you have to come correct.

I said, buh, buh!

- Buh, buh, buh!

- You sound like a dog.

- Oh, all right.

Step on my paw.

- What?

(high pitched squeal)

That was funny.

- That can be my thing.

- Yeah, you do your thing

I'll do my thing.

Okay.

Blu, Blu, Blu!

(high pitched squeal)

(upbeat funky music)

(chopping sound)

(man hitting floor)