Original subtitles

I'm gonna need this shit when I get signed to Def Jam!

DIVINE: You see, Elektra really believes in Dirty.

Everything that Def Jam wouldn't give Dirty on the back end

Elektra will, and much more.

Take the Elektra deal.

All I ever wanted to be was on Def Jam.

If you want to be treated differently, you need to grow up.

Yo, Bobby, we had to turn in that album like two months ago.

How could I even focus on tracks if he won't even talk to me, yo?

I'm sorry for signing you to Elektra before talking to you about it.

You can't be treating me like no kid no more, son.

You can't be out here fucking around when we've got work to do.

I'm ready to work now.

(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)

- (SIGHS) - (SWITCH CLICKS)

- (SONG TURNS OFF) - All right, man, this one right here,

- I've been saving this one. All right? - (SWITCH CLICKS)

(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

- (SWITCH CLICKS) - (MUSIC STOPS)

Yo, it's been two fucking days.

Pick a fucking beat already, cuz.

You ain't even be fucking hopped on the mic yet,

you're just sitting there and smoking,

nodding and waving off my beats and shit.

Elektra ain't accepting no delays, you hear me?

They're gonna hold money from us that they owe,

and they're gonna sue us for money we don't have.

You got to start laying down tracks, nigga, figure this shit out.

Your first album is your whole life explained.

(BURPING LOUDLY)

(LAUGHING)

Yo, son, remember we used to do that shit?

See how long we can last?

Yeah, yo, that shit is still funny, I get it,

but it ain't helping us right now, you hear what I'm saying?

Shit, dude, I'll sit on your album for an hour.

- (EXCLAIMS) - We just listened to that shit.

No, we heard it. We didn't experience it.

We gotta get this album done, all right?

This ain't something that's just gonna come out of nowhere.

If I do that, it ain't gonna go nowhere, yo.

Like you said, this album is my whole life explained.

I've been listening to this shit since I was five-years-old, yo.

I'm not the poster boy Meth is or the wordsmith Genius is.

Yo, I'm me.

There ain't no father to my style,

yo, and the album gotta sound like that.

It's gotta be on some unpredictable, grimy...

Yo, dirt-dog grimy shit, yo.

Yo, we gotta hop into our creative chamber, Abbott.

We gotta... We gotta do shit we used to do when we was kids,

we wasn't afraid to laugh,

- but still punch a nigga's ass. - (SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)

- Hey! - This sure was shit.

Like some punch cards shit nigga.

Fingers, crawling. Just crawls, aight.

BOTH: (SINGING ALONG) And all you little hoes

You keep an ass full of soul

This album has to be my essence. Uncensored, unfiltered.

I want you to laugh, and cry, and punch a nigga in the face.

The album is an experience, and you're the audience to my show,

- and I'm on stage at that show. - (CROWD APPLAUDING)

And you need me to lift your spirits and set your soul free.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Hey, thank you very much. Thank you very much.

My name is Dirt McGirt, ladies and gentlemen.

And the next bit I like to do is called

tourists and the goddamn fools, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah.

Since tourists is so stubborn,

I imagine they dig a tune goes something like this, yeah...

(SINGING) The first time you sucked my dick

And the first time I shot off in your mouth

Something shot out of me, real fast

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I'll be available for weddings,

uh, bar mitzvahs and funerals, ladies and gentlemen.

- Disgusting. We're leaving. - (PEOPLE LAUGHING)

OL' DIRTY BASTARD: That sister there is the kind of prude ass girl

that won't even let a man go up her dress.

- (PEOPLE LAUGHING) - (SWITCH CLICKS)

Hey, motherfucker. Hey!

Oh. Well... Folks, they want me to turn my noise down.

- Hey, wrap it up. - First, let me ask you all a question.

What's worse than getting gonorrhea?

Sister? Lady?

Sir?

Getting that motherfucker twice, am I right? (LAUGHS)

WOMAN: This man's got nothin'.

Maybe I'll start meeting chicks at the free clinic.

I don't know nothing.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I can't help it.

MAN: I don't care about none of that shit.

Look, you can't be out here scamming off big time money.

Mmm.

Why can't you be like Shaquan Smith?

Shaquan has supreme clientele that brought in beaucoup bucks.

Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Now look at him, nigga, international superstar.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Right next to my hotel, there's a corner store

some guys buy beer,

- some kids buy junk food right there. - Nigga!

What does that have to do with what we're talking about?

- Not a goddamn thing, man. - (DOOR OPENS)

Look, I ain't got a goddamn thing to do with Shaquan Smith.

Look, you see how I'm turning into a broken record.

Thank you, baby.

Look, man, the back seats love my black ass.

Yeah, but the back seaters buy cheap ripple.

I'm trying to run a business here, baby.

You're not listening to me, man.

You say you want me to be an international superstar,

when I'm already the biggest star in the galaxy.

Come on now, baby, it's McGirt.

If that's true then,

why am I the only club that still books you?

See, ever since you bought this whole establishment,

you turned into straight management.

You used to be a comic.

Remember when we toured together, broke all the rules together.

What happened to you, brother?

You used to trust the art.

Brother, trust goes both ways.

Now, if your motherfucking ass wasn't out here trying to be

a motherfucking pervert's dream act,

you'd be bigger than Shaquan.

Come on, man, I play nice.

Now, can't a brother get paid, man?

Damn!

Look, player, what I'm saying is,

you gotta be a version of yourself that ain't you.

Now, what the fuck is that even supposed to mean, man?

How I'm gonna be somebody other than myself, man?

Clean up your act or get out.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

My main man, Daddy Cool.

- Whoo! - Hey!

- Give me that. - (CASH REGISTER DINGS)

(WHOOPING)

How's it hanging, brother?

Life is living and living is life, my brother.

I'm not fighting that.

I heard the laughter and saw the tight asses running out.

- You keep doing your thing now. - I appreciate that, brother.

No problem. As a matter of fact,

gonna bring my lady to come see you next time.

- The foxy one? - The foxy one.

Bring it through, baby. (LAUGHS)

I got to go write a whole new set for tomorrow night, you dig?

Hey, Jack, come here, come here, come here.

Who me?

Don't put the powder before your word.

Power. You understand?

We need brothers like you. Can you dig it?

OL' DIRTY BASTARD: Yeah, man, but dig this,

a man like me has got to live in the moment, baby.

I'm not fighting that.

I'll catch you later, man. Be cool, all right.

- All right. Until next time. - Next time.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(PERSON SNIFFING)

- Knock-knock! This is Dirt McGirt! - WOMAN: Hey, baby.

Come on, come on, baby. I'll take care of you.

You know I got the goodie goods.

Hey, what did the preacher say to the stripper?

Fuck you! (LAUGHING)

MAN: (LAUGHS) You one funny motherfucker!

Hey, man, I don't give a damn about no Uncle Sam.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

(DISTORTED VOICE RAPPING INDISTINCTLY)

(DOOR SLAMS OPEN)

Hey, what the fuck? Hey, man--

- Sit your ass down, nigga. - Why? Damn.

Hey, man, listen, man. I'm sorry about...

I'm sorry if it's the car I stole, man...

If you don't shut the fuck up,

I swear to God, I'm slapping the shit out of you.

No, he needs those lips.

Do you know who I am, sugar?

Yeah.

You the lady who had these goons kick down my door.

- Mmm-hmm. - (LAUGHS)

I'm a lot more than that, funny man. I'm Lady Marlboro.

And you'd know that if your vice was numbers and not...

But today I'm here because I'm opening a club, The Ladies Room.

You like the name?

Yeah. I like ladies. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING) Music and comedy.

And I need me a headliner.

And I hear you're none too happy with Mr. Airtight Mike.

- I'm not following... - (EXCLAIMS INDISTINCTLY)

Nigga?

The gracious lady wants you to sling your jokes for her.

And she's going to pay you a whole lot more

than they pay at Kitty Kat Club, motherfucker.

I'll pay you $2,000 up front to jump ship.

And I could be myself?

Say whatever I want?

As long as you pack the house.

No, man.

(SIGHS) I can't do that to Airtight Mike.

He's the one who gave me my start.

Reconsider.

Do it already, baby.

You're willing to die for this?

(SIGHING) Man, lady, I got a lot to explain to God,

backstabbing just ain't one of them, it's not.

Normally, I'd have Grits and Gravy pummel you to dust,

but I respect a man who doesn't compromise his principle.

Do try to reconsider.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(OL' DIRTY BASTARD GROANING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

OL' DIRTY BASTARD: (RAPPING) My advantage on the M-I-C is the slang

That I manifest so you could never hang

Obviously you know my name by now

I done thrown stupid parties all through your town

- Dirt McGirt - That's my motherfucking name

- Love to flirt - That's my motherfucking game

They said "Who want to be an MC?"

(CROWD CHEERING IN DISTANCE)

Wait, y'all, I didn't do the joke yet.

There are rules when you start dating a guy in a wheelchair.

There are things you just can't say to me.

You can't walk me through a step by step process.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

You feel awkward if you ask me about my "standup".

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Did I get a standing ovation?

Where do I stand with politics?

There was a crime that happened the other day,

and the cops didn't believe me when I said I was just an innocent bystander.

(CROWD LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING)

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce our next comedian.

By his name you'll know he'll struggle to clean it up, Dirt McGirt, y'all.

(CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

(OL' DIRTY BASTARD GROANING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Whoo. (SNIFFS)

How are y'all doing tonight? (CLEARS THROAT)

I want to tell you guys about myself, I'm not from here.

I'm from Philadelphia, typical Philly family.

Ten of us in a two bedroom apartment.

Or should I mention that 10 of us lived in one bedroom?

The other half of my family lived in the other bedroom, all 12 of them.

(CROWD LAUGHING TEPIDLY)

Very typical family, very typical.

Just kids, no mother, no father.

We was bastards on both sides.

- Double bastards. -(CROWD LAUGHING SPARESELY)

We even shared clothes at the same time.

Two kids an outfit.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

My sister would pick out the perfect dress for us.

(LAUGHING)

I'm sorry, man.

Here's to the first time I ever wore a condom, goddamn it. (LAUGHING)

You see I prefer it raw. I prefer raw.

Some people are Mormon. I am a Raw-mon.

(LAUGHING)

The first time I even wore a condom, it wasn't even a condom, goddamn it.

It was a cereal plastic bag wrap

that I had to just wrap around that motherfucker.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Care for me to demonstrate, ladies?

No gentlemen.

WOMAN: Yeah.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(UNZIPS)

- (PEOPLE GASP) - (PEOPLE CHEERING)

Shit.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

MAN: This motherfucker's crazy!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey.

- I'm gonna miss that. - I've never seen anything like this.

Don't bring your motherfucking ass back around here again, motherfucker.

You gone and did it. (LAUGHS)

Hi, welcome, welcome. Welcome back, player.

Thank you. Come on in. We got some drinks for your ladies.

Yeah, after you. After you.

(LAUGHS) All right. All right.

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNIFFING)

Come on, man.

Hey, it's me, man. All right, man?

Do you know the most important commodity is time?

It's the only thing you spend you can't get back.

Nigga, do you hear me?

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

(GASPING AND COUGHING)

I'm not a woman who repeats herself because it wastes my time.

Don't you ever mix that rock n roll shit

with my soul music again.

Do you hear?

I promise. (COUGHING)

LADY MARLBORO: All right, come on.

Ah.

You look like a man who has reconsidered my generous offer.

Um...

I have conditions.

I set conditions.

Oh...

I don't want you at my club going

butt-ball naked at my fine establishment.

Oh, yeah, I heard what you did.

But you said I can say whatever I want.

I said you could say whatever you want as long as you packed the house.

Based on everyone that left the club that night,

I don't have high hopes of that happening at my joint.

I realize that your kind of funny is for the privacy of perverts.

So instead of headlining my club, you're going to record an album for me

and they can hear your filthy vinyl records

at their drugged out parties.

Now, to love Dirt, is to see Dirt,

you see I've got to be in room

so I can uplift their souls and spirits, you dig?

Nigga, if you ain't gonna watch your mouth in front of Lady,

- I swear to God... - Easy, Grits.

Now, if you take my money, you owe me time.

Am I going to have to repeat myself about this, sugar?

No, no. No, no.

Ooh.

Soul Train starts in 10 minutes, Lady Marlboro.

Thanks, hun.

Oh! I love that host.

Whoo! Shit, in another life,

I can see myself bouncing his balls all around my bedroom. (CHUCKLING)

In a holy matrimony type way.

(LAUGHING)

Oh.

Now, McGirt, you're going to run your ass down to my recording studio.

After that boy Seal finished cutting his song,

you're going to cut me a comedy record.

Or I'm going to cut your lifeline short.

(LAUGHING)

- (BELL TINKLES) - MAN: Hey, stop! Get back here!

Crazy kids!

Cut me some dope, I wanna get so high I get sober, baby.

You know what I'm talking about? Lay it on me.

Hey, mirrors still work, brother, use one.

(SNIFFS) That's what I'm trying to do, man.

No, you're not listening. Look at your face in the mirror.

Not you too on this righteous shit.

I ain't selling you blow. You're wasting your talent.

Would you do me like that, man?

I got no choice.

Fuck you then, man.

Keep your shit.

Now, I'm gonna give you the $200,

the same amount I just tried to give him, and he don't know you.

I'm gonna need you to show a little more titty meat to distract him.

So I'm gonna need $50 on the side for the tit work.

You're doing me like that?

Sorry, baby, but damn Nixon in office

is making times harder than a convict's dick.

I'll do you good right after anyway.

Now, you drive a hard bargain, don't you?

Go ahead, take that.

Now get that fucking sugar, honey.

Shit!

Lord have mercy.

Is that Priscilla?

Juanita?

Cindy?

Peaches. How are you doing, Peaches?

You know your name, Peaches, sister. Come on, now.

See, that was my way of putting a smile on your face.

Can I ask you a deeply personal question?

- Come walk with me real quick, baby. - Can you start with your name?

I'm Dirt McGirt.

No, seriously.

What's your name?

Well then, seeing that we

destined to have kids, get married and all that.

I wanted to know what side of the bed you like sleeping on.

The left or the right side, baby.

I have known you for all of three seconds.

Slow down, mister.

I mean, slow down to the first date.

I'm glad you suggested.

- I accept it. - That's not what I meant.

But okay.

Dirt!

Who's that?

Who's that?

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

(MOANING)

MAN ON TV: All right. Now it's time for the scramble board once again.

Let's see what this beautiful couple has in store for us.

Say it loud, Black and proud.

Say it with soul.

Oh, shit.

I told my job I went to get cigarettes.

Mr. Parker's gonna fire me for sure.

Fuck!

Soda and cereal all day.

They've been on a real food kick lately.

Got everybody buying junk food.

PEACHES: Don Cornelius is a man you can trust.

Fuck it.

I'm going to get my job back.

Say, don't you have an album to record, baby?

(GRUNTS)

I ain't doing this shit for that bitch.

Ain't you gonna get in trouble?

(OL' DIRTY BASTARD SNIFFING)

I've been in trouble before.

(GRUNTS) It's the principle.

She don't get to decide

if I'm on stage or not. (SCOFFS)

Ain't this, like, end up dead trouble?

First it was Mike.

Then Daddy Cool.

(SCOFFING)

Every fucking body thinking they can see me.

(SCOFFS) Please.

You know what?

Fuck it.

If I get fired I get fired.

I don't know what the fuck to tell these people.

And why should you?

You are who you are.

Don't be a robot to this jank-ass system.

(CHUCKLES) I like how that sounds.

God don't make no mistakes.

Shit, I've been who I was since my mama squirted me out her hips.

This is good as a motherfucker, Mama.

Put some more milk in this bitch.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

One day the world dropped a ton of rules on your head.

Don't say that.

Can't do this.

Oh, no, that's wrong.

Act right. (SCOFFS)

Shit.

If I can learn to see the world how they see it,

they should see it how I see it too.

We all who we believe we are.

(SCOFFS)

I believe in you, baby.

You okay, baby?

I know some people

laugh at me, not with me.

Think I'm some sort of minstrel show.

But those who know, know.

You'll never see no talent like this again.

Ever.

So fuck that bitch!

And her studio.

MAN: (SINGING) I ain't going through no more changes

To keep you, girl

Make up your mind

Stay or leave

'Cause any way the wind blow

It's cool with me

Anyway the wind blow

Know it's cool with me

Any way the wind blow

It's cool with me

(MUSIC STOPS)

LADY MARLBORO: Yeah.

Now.

Play me my comedy nigga shit.

He never showed up to his session.

I waited and I waited.

I swear.

Go.

For standing me up.

I want you to make that sucker number one.

Minus one, that's zero.

All right now, it's time for a little bit of Soul Train line dancing.

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

Come on, put it down now

Sock it to me

- Foxy - Lady

She get

Go, cover up

You gonna be made

(OL' DIRTY BASTARD GROANING)

(SNIFFING AND GRUNTING)

Damn, baby, your nipples are hard as a motherfucker.

Cocoa butter that up.

(GUNS CLICKING)

Oh, them ain't titties.

(SCREAMING)

Hey! Hey, man!

(STRUGGLING) I was just about to call you--

Stand the fuck up.

You know what, brother? I left my jokes upstairs.

Hey, let me go get 'em real quick. (GROANS)

Yeah. This is one funny nigga.

You're gonna be a funny dead nigga in a second.

Shit!

(GROANS)

All this fighting is gonna get one us hurt, man!

Your ass gonna get hurt!

Jivin' motherfucker!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SOUL SONG PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

Baby, you're laughin'

Hey, hey, man, you fellas hungry?

Let's go get some pancakes. Chicken and waffles?

Nigga, I'll break my hand breaking your face if you don't shut the fuck up.

Shit, man.

They ain't gonna have no chickens and waffles where I'm going.

(LAUGHS AND SNORTS)

Come. Come on, Gravy.

This fool funny.

You ever hear him playing at the Kitty Kat Club?

He got a familiar face, but the cat I'm thinking of

wouldn't be such a jive ass.

- Do I remind you of somebody you let go? - No!

Motherfucker! Ah, shit!

If it was up to me I'd blow your brains out all over the back of this Cadillac.

Don't you know that's not good for the heart, mind and soul?

- Ah, shit, man! - GRAVY: Man, stop all this shit!

Since you're about to die and all, how about you tell us

a little bit of your last material?

Knock, knock.

Who's there? Who's there? Who's there?

Not me, nigga!

(GRUNTING)

Oh, shit, motherfucker!

- Watch out for them nuns! - (TIRES SCREECH)

You want us to go to hell, nigga?

- (TIRES SCREECH) - (SCREAMING)

WOMAN: Oh, shit!

(GRUNTS)

Hip-hop to me is like a place to be

My specialty from me to you is emcee

Say what you wanna say ah, baby say, ah

I flip the microphone-ah, any day, ah

I'm mad swift because I got that gift of gab

Niggas get mad Your ass stink never had

This talent that I got will resound

(CLATTERING)

OL' DIRTY BASTARD: Hey, man. Say man, listen.

Whoever the fuck you are,

I got $10,000 in a safety deposit box.

You can have it, just let me go, man.

What the fuck?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

We've been watching you for some time now, Dirt.

Wait, man.

Who the hell are you, man?

Never you worry about who I am.

Just what I'm offering.

I have $5,000 for you.

That should, uh, cover your little situation with Lady Marlboro.

You the man, ain't you?

I knew the man was looking for me. I knew it!

That's right. I'm the man.

And I will have your ass thrown into a jail cell until you rot, Dirt.

Man, the only place I'm gonna rot in is a graveyard.

- (SLAMS TABLE) - Yeah, well, we can arrange that, too.

Fuck is your problem, man?

Now, do you watch, uh, Soul Train?

You know Don Cornelius? "Love, peace and soul."

Might know some people, I don't know, man.

Well, you'll be going down to the taping of Soul Train.

With a backstage pass.

Where you'll be posing as a dancer. You know how you people do.

There you will complete your mission.

(SCOFFS) What mission are you talking about, sir?

I think you got the wrong brother, man. That ain't me. (LAUGHS)

You will kill Mr. Don Cornelius.

OL' DIRTY BASTARD: Let me get this straight.

You want me to kill Don Cornelius? Black royalty?

(LAUGHS)

Damn, man.

You funny as well, Whitey McWhiteman!

You must be out your motherfucking mind, man!

(PANTING) See, despite me sitting down,

I am a standup, Asiatic, Black man!

With his dick and balls and his words intact, goddamn it!

So you can shove that funky ass assignment up your narrow white ass.

(HIP-HOP INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

What the fuck?

Far out, right?

(EXHALES) I needed to get high for this, man.

What the fuck is going on?

We needed to make sure you weren't a sellout.

You passed the test.

Nigga, what test?

I'm Leroy Roscoe. Brother-in-arms for Black-Eye-A.

(CHAIR RATTLES)

Oh.

I got you.

Let's get you out of here, Dirt.

(GRUNTS)

Black-Eye-A?

You heard of CIA?

Well, we're the Black-Eye-A.

Keeping a foot so far up the man's ass, he burps shoe leather.

Right on, brother. (CHUCKLES)

You see Black culture is expanding.

Music, movies, sports.

And the man? The man fears our influence.

So he wages an attack.

Soul Train.

You see, mighty whitey wants to kill us softly with his poisonous food.

We traced a spike in unhealthy living in our community

back to the Soul Train scramble board.

Now bear with me.

What I say next may be hard to believe.

Brother, you just wiped the white man's face off your face.

I mean, come on, huh?

(SIGHS) The CIA's behind it all.

They hijacked Soul Train by kidnapping Don Cornelius.

- Come again? - It gets crazier, brother.

You see, Don Cornelius is somewhere in a CIA safehouse.

While the robot Cornelius has been hosting the show for the past year.

The robot talks like Don.

Looks like Don.

Down to his perfect afro.

But he ain't Don.

That's why we need you to kill robot Cornelius.

Can you do that for us, brother?

(EXHALES SHARPLY) So you mean to tell me the only reason

that Don Cornelius don't dance is because he's a goddamn robot?

I knew it.

I'll do it.

I'll blow that robot into metal motherfucking pieces, man!

Now out of all the brothers in New York City...

I gotta ask.

Why you pick the Dirt dog, man?

Because we know Dirt McGirt would never compromise himself.

Damn right!

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Shit, here I go once again

Rhymes get shitty from the time that I spend

I come old like toe fungus mold

Ask my grand-pop pop Duke gave my soul

Then I came with that old Al Green shit

Say that, taught me the ballistic

I get you blurry in your eye with a high note

Down, to the Brownsville, oops you got smoked

The shit I'm droppin' is stinkin' up your area

(FUNKY UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

WOMAN: (SINGING) I'm glad you're home

Now did you really miss me?

I guess you did by the look in your eye

Dirt, meet Candy.

Our weapons specialist and all around badass.

I love me some candy.

Yeah, I'll get this cat suited and booted to ice the robot Cornelius.

All right, now. Guns, rifles, bazookas.

Lay it on me, mama.

CANDY: Nah, undercover brother.

All that bang bang pow pow is for the pigs.

We move in silence.

(EXPLODES)

(LAUGHS)

CANDY: Now this pinky ring is electronic,

with a pulse that will disable

the CIA's control over the robot.

You gonna wave it in front of Don's dead eye stare

and that will disable him for 20 seconds.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Oh, this about to get good, man.

Wow!

CANDY: Now, while the robot is disabled,

you're gonna peel back Don's Afro.

That'll expose his circuit board.

Jam the pick prongs into the slots.

I designed the code inside the fist

that will self-destruct that fugazi Cornelius.

Ooh, far out, sister. (CHUCKLES)

Far out, man.

(LAUGHS)

While I admire the compliment,

and accuracy, (CHUCKLES)

I don't do prophylactics.

I'm the type of guy that like it wild. You know what I'm talking about?

If you find yourself in an impossible situation,

- this will get you out of there. - Hmm.

Well, well, I don't know how I can do that, I've never tried it and, uh...

Yeah.

Just open it up. You'll understand.

All right. The taping is starting soon.

It's time to finish the mission.

- Okay, now. - (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS)

CIA cats is gonna be all over that scene.

You might not make it out alive.

You know that, right?

The Dirt don't die, baby.

You understand that, right?

- (ROMANTIC MUSIC DISTORTS) - Hmm.

(SNIFFS AND CLEARS THROAT)

- (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) - (PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Dancers have just arrived.

Don Cornelius is on the move.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

And here to help us check out some of their terrific tunes

off their hot, new debut album,

titled, Can It Be All So Simple?

are two young men who've captured the hearts and minds

of millions of music lovers.

Please give a warm Soul Train welcome to the Littlejohn Brothers.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(SINGING) Hello my love I heard a kiss from you

Red magic satin playing near, too

All through the morning rain I gaze

The sun doesn't shine

Rainbows and waterfalls run through my mind

A present from you

Strawberry letter 22

The music plays

I sit in for a few

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(VOCALIZING)

It's time for the Soul Train word scramble.

And who do we have here today?

Talani.

And where are you from?

Inglewood, California.

You're familiar with how this works?

You have 60 seconds to unscramble the board.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

MAN ON RADIO: Someone changed the scramble board.

We have an intruder.

OL' DIRTY BASTARD: Robot Cornelius!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm calling you out, jive turkey.

There's only one way in and one way out.

(GRUNTS)

(MEN GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

Fuck it, let's get it on.

(GRUNTING)

(SNIFFS)

You really thought you was going to get away

with using our music to fool the world's children,

you fake motherless sucker!

About as fake as your standup routine.

So I guess we have something in common.

It's a shame I have to kill you.

Get in line.

As a matter of fact.

Get your Black robot ass in the back off the line!

(LAUGHING MECHANICALLY)

You got jokes.

- I don't like jokes. - Well, I don't like phonies.

- Argh! - Your Black-Eye-A ring

won't work one me.

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Now who's the fake?

(POWERING DOWN)

Got you, sucker.

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

Now you get a complete view of how I whooped your featherweight ass!

Self-detonation activated.

Oh, shit. It's gonna blow. I better get to the rooftop.

CANDY: "If you find yourself in an impossible situation,

"this will get you out there."

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(AIR HISSING)

Oh, shit!

The Black-Eye-A thanks you.

The Black Power movement thanks you.

And I thank you, brother.

Oh, baby, Black-Eye-A ain't no play.

Any moment now the brothers will be appearing with Mr. Cornelius.

The actual Don Cornelius?

While you were kung fu fighting,

the CIA called for some reinforcements.

- No! - And exposed their safehouse.

- No way! - That's right.

We were able to rescue Mr. Cornelius.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Mr. Dirt McGirt.

(LAUGHING) Mr. Don Cornelius!

It's a pleasure, brother.

The man had a plan

to slow the train of our progress,

to hijack soul,

- until you put an end to that bullshit. - (LAUGHS)

See? I knew he'd curse when he wasn't on TV, man.

Talk your shit, Don.

I owe you one, Mr. McGirt.

It's Dirt, man. You don't owe me shit.

My pleasure.

Well, then let me leave you with this.

I don't play ball, tell jokes or sing.

I stay true to myself and do my own thing.

Being your own boss never gets old.

As long as you do it with peace, love and soul.

Soul! (LAUGHS)

If you don't mind, I'd like to go see my family.

They must be terribly concerned about my well-being.

You know what, Don? I just lied back there so I can come off well.

I need a big favor, Don.

What is it?

Could you Don Cornelius get me back on stage at the Kitty Kat Club?

- Man, come on. - How would I do that?

See, people always tell me how I can't just be me.

- I'm just our ancestor's dream. - Hmm.

Shit, I know my comedy ain't for everybody.

And you're one of the most trusted Black men in America.

You're Don Cornelius.

If you could just explain that to Airtight Mike.

Man, I'm sure they'd get me on there.

I'll be back on stage, the ladies...

I'll do you one better.

I'll MC your introduction to the stage.

- Now how would that be? - Oh, man!

That would be a beautiful thing, brother. (LAUGHS)

My brother.

Just let me go change my clothes first before I get up there.

I'mma go see you there.

I gotta get there early for rehearsal today.

(EXCLAIMING IN EXCITEMENT)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- Oh, brother. - (CROWD CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

I wanted to ask you.

How'd you get Don Cornelius to be here tonight?

Yo, that people are talking.

They are flocking, player!

It's a long story. I'll tell you right after the set.

- Hey, nigga. What's happening? - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Only talent backstage, all right?

Yo, French fry, if you don't shut the fuck up.

I'm gonna smother your ass in ketchup.

Listen, man.

He ain't got nothing to do with this.

This... This your money right here. Plus interest.

Let me see that.

It's here and some.

LADY MARLBORO: Okay.

The skinny one can go.

Wait a minute.

You remind me of someone.

Have you ever been to Ohio?

Oh, my God.

Oh, no. No, ma'am.

Look, I'm gonna let y'all handle your business, all right?

I'mma meet you by the stage, all right, brother?

Excuse me.

It's all there, man.

I'm telling you,

LADY MARLBORO: Hmm.

Remember what I said about my time?

Please, I'll sweeten the deal.

I'll make three albums for you.

Just don't kill me.

With that money, you'll be making profit.

You'll be making profit before you even start.

I hate this business.

- It's not my time. - (GUN CLICKS)

(GUN FIRES)

(GASPING) It's not my time. It's not my time.

(GUN FIRING)

(OL' DIRTY BASTARD GROANING)

(WEAKLY) Help!

Help. (COUGHING WEAKLY)

(BREATHING LABORIOUSLY)

- Help. - Nigga, you've been damn funny. (LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I want to thank all you cool cats and foxy ladies here tonight.

I'm your guest MC, Mr. Don Cornelius.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Tonight. I'm here to welcome a new friend and all around rock solid dude.

And from what I understand, a crazy comedian.

Word on the grapevine

is that this man is admired by few and disliked by many.

Now let's get to the bottom of this.

Let's figure it out, people.

(MUFFLED APPLAUSE)

OL' DIRTY BASTARD: Now, to love Dirt, is to see Dirt.

I've got to be in room so I can uplift their souls and spirits, you dig?

(MUFFLED APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

I'm newly familiar with Mr. Dirt McGirt, but I found the brother to be authentic.

When I asked people on both sides of the matter of Dirt McGirt,

they agreed, he's authentic.

We are all just our ancestors' dreams.

And our success represents those dreams coming true.

I'm sure Mr. Dirt McGirt has rubbed some people the right and the wrong way.

Man is who a man is and that man is himself.

I gather that's why he calls himself Dirt.

Not filthy, not nasty.

But dirt like the Earth.

The essence, truth.

What is in the dark must come to the light.

And so I ask tonight that we listen, we hear.

We open ourselves to Dirt McGirt.

And as the old saying goes,

"God made dirt."

ALL: "And dirt don't hurt."

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

AIRTIGHT MIKE: Hey. Hey, Dirt.

- What's up, man? - Nigga, you good?

Never better.

Congratulations. Get your ass on that stage, nigga.

(CROWD CHEERING)

He didn't even wait for the introduction to end.

Give it up for the Ol' Dirty Bastard.

The Ol' Dirty Bastard!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SCREAMING LOUDLY)

- (SCREAMING STOPS) - (BELL RINGS)

Hey.

- What's up? - (CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

So, yo, you heard what they're saying Dirty's record?

They're saying it's like a concert album.

We knew the hardcore fans would embrace the album.

But the hip-hop purists are feeling it too.

They both love it.

Crazy motherfucker took 'em inside his head. (LAUGHS)

Yo, he wants you to really feel it, all right?

- Mmm-hmm. - Like it's big, but it can be bigger.

Only something that he would do.

So, we're talking '70s spark.

Hip hop, right? Kung fu. A stage.

- You know what I'm saying? - Yeah.

MAN: All right. And action!

(RAPPING) Shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yam, shimmy yay

Gimme the mic so I can take it away

Off on a natural charge, bon voyage

Yeah, from the home of the Dodgers Brooklyn squad

Wu-Tang Killa Beez on a swarm

Rain on ya college ass, disco dorm

For you to even touch my skill

You gotta have the one killer bee

And he ain't gonna kill now

Chop that down, pass it all around

Lyrics get hard Quick cement to the ground

For any MC in any 52 states

I get psycho killer, Norman Bates

My producer slam, my flow is like bam!

Jump on stage and then I get down

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Ooh, baby, I like it raw

Yeah, baby, I like it raw

Ooh, baby, I like it raw

Yeah, baby, I like it raw

Ooh, baby, I like it raw

Yeah, baby, I like it raw

Ooh, baby, I like it raw

Yeah, baby, I like it raw

(RAPPING INDISTINCTLY)

Shimmy shimmy ya, shimmy yam, shimmy yay

Gimme the mic so I can take it away

Off on a natural charge, bon voyage

Yeah, from the home of the Dodgers Brooklyn squad

Wu-Tang Killa Beez on a swarm