Original subtitles

[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love boat theme"]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow, it floats back to you.

The love boat soon will be making another run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard, it's love.

[Music playing]

Gopher, I want you to check the chef's seafood requisition.

So we're over stocked Maine's going to be

ordering lobsters from us.

Well, if it's any help, sir, I know a place where

we can a great buy on bibs.

Don't help me.

Nice try though, goph.

And Julie?

Yes, sir?

Please try to schedule some recent films.

I'm almost positive Elizabeth Taylor made a few movies

after "national velvet."

If you'd like a list of them, I'll give Liz a call.

I have her home phone number.

Well, before you call, Adam, please

check the medical supplies.

Make sure the back orders are noted.

You've been very lax in your inventories.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Captain: Oh, and Isaac?

Sir?

The line wanted me to extend its congratulations to you.

On our last cruise, 38 bar glasses were broken.

That's a three-day cruise record.

We're writing the guinness people to see

if it's a new world record.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'll do better.

- Any questions. - No.

No.

And dad, everybody has something to do.

How about a job for me?

Vicki, you already have the hardest job of all.

Growing up is always a difficult chore.

Dad, that's not the kind of chore I want.

Dad, I want to work.

I want to feel useful, instead of feeling

like I'm in everybody's way.

Darling, you're not in anybody's way, honestly, honey.

All right, dismissed.

Thank you, sir.

Sir, thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You see, I'm even in your way.

[Theme - dionne Warwick, "love boat"]

Oh, Isaac, look here they come again, the merry widows.

I'm so excited.

[Interposing voices]

Back for their annual bridge marathon.

I know.

Once those ladies start playing bridge,

even a tidal can't get their attention.

- Hello. - Hello.

Welcome aboard.

It's nice to have you all back again.

Good to have you back, yes.

Where's Mrs. Brody?

Oh, we lost her.

Oh, no, Mrs. Brody died.

No.

We lost her to backgammon.

But we have new fourth, Mrs. Simpson, who is just as

crazy, about bridge as we are.

Well, hello, welcome aboard.

Mrs. Simpson, it's nice to have you with us.

Thank you, it's not--

Shirley, cut the small talk.

We're here to play bridge.

Hi, I'm Dr. Leonhardt.

I just checked in a few minutes ago,

and I just wondered if you could show me to my cabin?

Julie: Oh, of course, Dr. Leonhardt.

Just go straight through the lobby to the elevator.

Julie, these ladies are headed in the same direction.

Maybe they might show the doctor to his cabin?

Good idea.

Uh-- ladies, you don't mind.

I see you have your usual cabins.

- Yes. - That's right.

Well, I'd be delighted to have such charming escorts.

Listen, we've got to get our bridge started.

Yeah, all right.

Did I hear you mention bridge?

Yes, that's all we came for.

Oh, I've always wanted to learn that game.

I just never had the time.

Well, you doctors are kept very busy.

What branch of medicine are you in?

Building Bridges.

Oh.

I'm a dentist.

Oh.

And it's my professional opinion, that you

have a very lovely smile.

Oh.

Shirley, you came here to play bridge,

not to get fitted for one.

[Interposing voices]

Oh, oh.

Doc, doc, doc, look.

Oh.

Boy, if she isn't a slice of heaven,

my eyes go back into the shop for repairs.

Yeah, then you better call for an appointment.

She's sailed with us before.

I spent an evening with her.

It was like trying to snuggle up to an iceberg.

You know, doc, let's face it, there

might be one or two women out there that won't tumble

with your infamous charms.

Gopher, at medical school, I majored in erogenous zones.

If I can't hit the spot, they're clinically dead.

Well, well, what a delightful surprise--

Linda Trent.

So nice to see you again.

I'd like to introduce you to gopher Smith.

Linda Trent.

Hi, I can't help noticing you're in aloha 152.

Aloha 152.

Well, I'll have to remember that.

Oh, don't bother.

I've already had my flu shots.

I guess, some guys just can't take iceberg for an answer.

Hello.

Goodbye.

Well, a real fun girl.

Oh, I wouldn't take it personally.

The lady might have a south-sea island body,

but she definitely has a north-pole personality.

I'll have her melting by the end of the cruise.

Hey.

He's going to have frost bite by the time we hit acapulco.

I got $10 smackeroos says he's a winner.

- Oh? - Mm.

Make it $25.

Ok.

You're on, sucker.

[Boat horn]

[Theme - dionne Warwick, "love boat"]

Two hearts.

Ethel, it only took god six days to create the world.

He didn't have this rotten hand.

Did you say two hearts?

How could you remember?

It was so long ago.

I think I'll pass.

Doris: Shirley, two--

Ethel: Signals?

Oh, I'll never play with her if she's signaling.

Shirley: I wasn't signaling.

I was waving to Dr. Leonhardt.

Doris: Sure, and I wear petite in pantyhose.

Hello, ladies.

Hello, doctor leonhardt.

Goodbye, doctor leonhardt.

Two no trump.

Hi.

You're blocking the sun.

How's this?

A little farther.

Ok?

Farther.

Is this all right.

Nope, I can still hear you.

Watch how an expert handles this.

Excuse me, is this chair occupied?

I really don't know.

That's the oldest line in the world.

You're doing great.

Well, actually, the only reason I ask

is because I usually like to keep one empty chair between me

and another passenger.

That way, I don't get involved in any casual, inane shipboard

conversations.

You know, that's exactly how--

Barry: See, you're doing it already.

I better make that two chairs.

Hi, Isaac.

Hi, doc.

Got anything back there for a headache?

You're the doctor.

Well, I don't mean to get rid of a headache.

I mean to get one.

Hey, guys, you want me to help you serve some drinks?

Oh, come on, Vicki, now you know minors are

not allowed to serve liquor.

Right.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, dad.

I wonder what's bothering Vicki?

She seems a little glum.

Oh, she's just growing up now.

She just wants to feel useful.

Why don't you give her a job?

A job?

Like what?

Like anything.

Hey, why don't you make her your secretary?

Oh, come on.

Adam, I need a secretary, like you need dating lessons.

Well, then, maybe you need a secretary.

I've been striking out a lot lately.

How you doing?

Fine.

Well, guess i'd better be going.

I have a lot of paperwork to do, letters to write.

Want me to help you?

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

Would you?

What?

Would you help me?

Well, sure.

It would certainly make things a lot easier.

You know what?

What?

You're my new secretary.

Oh, daddy, thank you.

Come on, secretary.

[Music playing]

And I'll have six of these.

Hmm, let's see?

One, two, three, four, five, six of these.

And chewy Taffy.

Oh, I'd pass on the Taffy, if I were you.

Your fillings will never forgive you.

Am I going to get billed for this, doctor leonhardt?

Oh, call me frank.

And I wouldn't dream of it-- free professional opinion.

Aha.

Ok.

What is your professional opinion on peanuts?

They go very good with martinis.

Aha.

Two of those.

For that, you get billed.

That'll do it.

Actually, see, this stuff is all for the other ladies.

Oh, sure, sure.

Well, you see, the new girl has to run all the errands.

- I see. - Yeah.

Thank you.

Your wife must appreciate having a dentist around the house.

Oh, I don't think so.

She's married to a lawyer.

We've been divorced for a long time.

And you've never remarried?

Huh-uh.

Well, a dentist must meet a lot of attractive women.

Yeah, but it's pretty hard to establish

a relationship with somebody you see only twice a year.

How about you, Shirley?

You happily married?

I used to be.

My husband passed away.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, that's ok.

It hurt for a long time.

But, well now, i'm getting back on my feet,

traveling, seeing friends.

Playing bridge.

Brid-- bridge!

Oh, the ladies will kill me.

Yeah, wait a minute.

How about a bridge lesson over some drinks?

No, no, i--

I'm sure you can get away for a few hours.

Not even for good behavior.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, but-- oh.

[Knocking]

Uh-- come in.

Hi, Vicki.

Oh, hey, how's your new job going?

Oh, fine, thanks, goph.

I mean, Mr. Smith.

Oh, gosh, looks like you're working hard.

You almost filled this basket.

Where's your dad?

I need to talk to him.

Well, do you have an appointment?

No, I don't.

Well, how's Friday, 3:00?

Gopher, I'm glad you're here.

I wanted to see you.

I had a little trouble getting past your secretary, sir.

Well, every ship's captain needs an efficient girl Friday.

[Phone ringing]

Office of the captain, Victoria stubing speaking.

Oh, fine.

How are you?

Who is it?

Oh, no, I'm afraid not.

He's in a conference at the moment.

Would you like to leave your number

and I'll have him get back to you?

One moment, please?

Are you in for our cruise director, Ms. McCoy.

It's Julie.

Well, I don't know.

She didn't give her first name.

Oh, get my $25 bucks ready.

I see our would-be Casanova is all by his lonesome.

Oh, not for long.

Oh, I get it.

He's gotten our miss Julie here to seat Linda at his table.

I haven't pulled that tired old trick since high school.

Well--

hi, Julie.

Oh, hello.

Have you got a nice, quiet table for me?

You know, I thought you might enjoy

sitting with that gentleman over there, Barry styles.

He seems very nice and besides, he requested

you for his dinner party.

Oh, did he?

Is something else available?

I'm really not interested in sitting with anybody,

and certainly not him.

Oh, gee, well, everything else is either taken or reserved.

I'm afraid it's the only seat left in the room.

Well, I'll work it out.

Julie: Ok.

Hang on to your epaulets, and watch miss rejection put

his ego into intensive care.

I still have faith in him.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Enough to double our bet?

Huh?

Uh-huh? - Yeah.

Ok.

$50.

Gopher, you just weren't meant to be a rich man.

For a man so anxious to avoid casual, inane conversation,

you certainly went to a lot of trouble

to maneuver me to this table.

Well, you--

and don't deny it.

Julie told me.

Oh, I'm not denying it.

You see I realized you want to be alone as much as I do.

Since I'm such a fast eater, I'm done.

The table is yours.

He's doing as well with her as you did.

Now look, I may have struck out with the lady,

but he didn't even get up to bat.

Uh-- how's it going old man?

Right on schedule.

One diamond.

And take away the beans.

I double, and bring back the beans.

One heart, and bring me a baked potato instead of beans.

I pass on the hand, and I pass on the beans.

Two hearts.

Pass, and pass the salt, please?

Thank you.

Four of heats.

You're welcome.

Doris: Pass.

Ethel: Pass.

Shirley?

I'd love to.

Huh?

Huh?

Oh, I'd love to play bridge.

Now's your chance, honey.

Throw a card, uh--

just one.

What happened?

This isn't a gym.

Good evening, captain.

Vicki, or miss stubing.

I've been worried about you.

You're really late for dinner.

You must be starved.

Well, not really.

I was so busy with all this paperwork, I lost my appetite.

Oh, but do you think you could sign

these so that I could get them in the mail in the next port.

Well, can't we do this tomorrow morning?

You're making me feel like Simon lagree.

Who?

Adam: Simon lagree, he was the Darth Vader

when your dad was your age.

Are you sure you don't want just a little something to eat?

Captain, I'm fine.

I ordered a hamburger and I'll eat it in the office.

But there's still lots to catch up on.

Something wrong?

Broccoli looks a bit overcooked.

I'll send a memo to the chef.

[Music playing]

Hi.

The girls are waiting.

I don't have much time.

Oh, then we'll just have to dance fast.

Come on.

Here you go, two champagne cocktails.

Now, are you going to drink both of these at the same time?

No.

One is for Linda.

Linda, you've been on that diet much too long.

Don't worry.

She'll be here.

Ok.

Oh, excuse me.

Uh-- I'm sorry, I forgot you're uh-- uh--

- Linda. - Linda.

Linda.

Would you mind helping me out?

You see, I'm celebrating a very special anniversary tonight.

Mm?

Mm-hmm.

This marks one full year of my being celibate.

Celibate?

You mean, you-- oh.

What is this?

Some sort of put on?

No, I'm celibate.

No sex for an entire year.

And I must say, it's been very enjoyable.

Of course, it does have its drawbacks.

When you're celibate, there's no one to clink your glass with.

Are you some sort of a monk?

No.

No, I just got tired of all those quickie relationships.

You mean, you gave up sex completely.

Completely.

It's like giving up smoking.

You cut down to one cigarette a day, you're still a smoker.

I'm impressed.

Well, I just felt it was time to try something new.

But I'm sure you've heard of the movement.

It's been on all the talk shows, and magazines, and books.

It's called the new celibacy.

Some people refer to it as the joy of not having joy.

You know, I can see how a person

could get to a place like that in this sex-oriented world.

I myself, if you have noticed, am terribly turned off to men.

Oh, really?

It's all that grabbing and pulling.

It's disgusting.

My sentiments exactly.

Do you know, I've come home with scratches

that didn't heal for weeks?

I've always felt that intimacy was supposed to be beautiful.

Instead, it's just become trivial.

Well, here's to a new kind of intimacy

without the tyranny of sex.

I'm glad you could get away, Shirley.

Oh, So am I. But one dance is hardly getting away.

Oh, those girls run a tight ship.

I'm thinking of starting a mutiny.

Listen, I have to get back.

Oh, well, how about the promenade deck in an hour?

I'll be there.

All right.

Vicki, as captain of this ship,

don't you think I should be notified

when we run into a hurricane?

Well, if things had been organized to begin with,

then things around here wouldn't look

so disorganized while they're being reorganized.

Naturally.

Vicki, I think you've done enough work for one day.

Why don't you get to bed?

Oh, well I've got to finish just typing first.

Excuse me.

Miss stubing?

Hmm?

You are my secretary, right?

Right.

I'm your boss, right?

Right.

Speaking to you as your boss, I'm ordering you to go to bed.

Very well.

Vicki?

Hmm?

You're off duty now.

You think you can give your father a kiss?

Oh.

Goodnight, daddy.

Goodnight, sweetheart.

I can't get over it.

For a solid year, you haven't had

a single intimate relationship?

That's right.

I suppose before that, you weren't so--

are you kidding?

I was so wild, I could get turned on by a navel orange.

That was I call discipline.

Oh, I'd love to hear more.

You want to come in for awhile?

You mean, in your cabin?

Just the two of us?

Mm-hmm.

You think it's safe?

Who would I be safer with?

A lot of men.

Is this safe for you?

I mean, you think it's safe for me?

Believe me, there will be no scratches.

Not even a hickey.

I don't know.

Come on.

I was beginning to think I'd never see you alone.

It wasn't easy.

I'd never had to develop a headache on such short notice.

I'm surprised that didn't make you continue playing

while they massaged your head.

Oh, Shirley, i'm-- i'm so glad you're here.

So am I.

Headache better?

Couldn't be better.

This is the best headache I ever had.

I knew it.

I knew there was something up when I saw

her putting some lipstick on.

[Inaudible]

Nobody puts on lipstick when she's planning

to have a headache, alone.

[Inaudible]

Come ashore with me tomorrow.

Let me show you puerto vallarta.

I know the most wonderful little cafe that serves

the best margaritas in Mexico.

Oh.

Oh, that sounds terrific.

Yeah, but the girls are counting on me.

Frank: Well, tell them you still have a headache.

Shirley: Mm-mm. - It'll only take a few hours.

- No, I can't. - Please?

Can't.

Please?

Can't.

Ok.

Ok.

I'll meet you in the purse's lobby at 11:00.

Marvelous.

Oh.

But you know something, getting a date

with you is tougher than pulling teeth.

What does she thinks she's doing?

She knows we can't play bridge without a fourth.

Giving up a bridge game for a date, hmm.

That girl just doesn't know how to have a good time.

[Inaudible]

We came here to play bridge and we will.

Tomorrow, that dentist is going to have

his appointment canceled.

Barry: When I finally understood that sex didn't have

to be the end result of every relationship,

my women friends and I began to enjoy

each other in a whole new way.

Of course.

Well, uh-- that way, you could channel all that animal

energy into higher things--

music, literature, art.

Exactly.

Ever since I've become celibate, I've

reached greater spiritual heights, greater awareness.

Well, I remember one wonderful weekend

when my date and I checked into a romantic little hideaway

and locked the door, and together we knitted an Afghan.

That's what I'm looking for.

What size do you wear?

Oh, you know, I wonder if it's possible for two people

to spend a whole weekend together and not want to--

you know?

Well, at first I felt the same as you do.

And that's why I had to spend the night alone with a woman,

just to test myself, you understand?

I understand.

I'd like to take that kind of test.

Someday, you should.

It's the only way to prove to yourself

that you've got the willpower.

No, I don't mean someday--

now, with you.

With me?

Where else am I going to find someone that I know hasn't

a sexual thought about me?

Besides, I'd really like to find out

if I have the inner strength to reach that kind of purity.

Oh, I'm sure you do.

How am I going to know unless I take the test?

Please?

Well, ok.

I'll stay.

But I'm doing this against my better judgment.

Thank you.

I really appreciate it.

My pleasure.

I knew it. I knew it.

- What? - I knew it.

What happened?

Well, I knew you couldn't hold out?

What did I do?

There I was, fast asleep.

I was perfectly-- I was dreaming I was making fudge brownies

and you kissed me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

You don't have to leave.

Won't happen again, I promise.

Ok.

But this is your last chance.

[Music playing]

[Inaudible]

Good morning, Dr. Leonhardt.

Oh, good morning, ladies.

Would you like to join me?

[Interposing voices]

Well, I'm glad to see you take time out from bridge

for a little nourishment.

Well, we can't play yet anyhow.

We're waiting for Shirley.

Don't tell me she overslept?

Oh, no, no, no, she's on the phone.

Ship De jour.

Husbands can be such a pain in the neck, can't they?

Why Ethel, I think it's wonderful.

If my husband were still living, I'd love

him to call me twice a day.

But ladies--

Doris, how much can he miss her?

This is a short cruise.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I don't understand.

I thought Shirley was a widow?

Oh, a widow.

[Laughing]

Oh, no.

Yeah, that's a new one.

She usually calls herself a divorcee.

Sounds younger.

Oh, but don't worry, doctor leonhardt,

if Shirley would like to have a little shipboard fling,

I mean, who are we to mix in?

Our lips are sealed.

Look at this.

All crew members, until further notice,

there will be a daily inspection, every day, daily.

Remember, it's a pleasure to view a neat-looking crew,

signed captain m. Stubing.

Daily inspection-- that's crazy.

Do I look any different today than I did yesterday?

Unfortunately, no.

Hey.

What's going on?

Take a look.

All crew members from your captain.

Please submit a written report each morning of what

your day's activities will be.

Remember, a day that's planned well, will turn out just swell.

What's the captain writing here, memos or fortune cookies?

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, sir.

[Interposing voices]

Well, uh-- what's so interesting?

Vicki.

Good morning, everyone.

Morning.

[Interposing voices]

Isaac: No loitering around the bulletin board.

Uh-- merrill, I know it isn't easy to fire your own daughter.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm sure she'll get tired of it all before long.

Well maybe there's a way we can make her tired.

I can't remember when I had a more restful night.

Why, i-- I didn't even realize you were next to me.

Except for that little mistake I made.

I'm sorry.

I still can't believe I tried to kiss you.

Well, don't dwell on it.

You did very well for a first time.

You just don't have my depth of control yet.

You know, I haven't come across a man like you

in a long time.

And to think, I didn't even want to come on this cruise.

I was afraid of being stuck with some shipboard lothario.

My friends had to practically push me on board.

You are so refreshingly different.

Thanks.

Well, have a nice day.

Julie (on megaphone): Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to puerto vallarta.

Land tours will be leaving in one half hour.

Shirley: Gopher?

Uh-- excuse me, gopher, have you seen doctor leonhardt?

The doctor, the dentist, that doctor leonhardt?

Yes.

He was the first one off the ship.

I guess he wanted to make a full day of it.

Aha.

Uh-- did he leave a message for me?

No message.

Was he supposed to meet you here?

No-- yeah, well, uh--

i-- I just thought maybe i'd catch him before he left.

Well, if I run into him, I'll tell him

you were looking for him.

No-- uh-- well, uh--

thank you.

[Interposing voices]

Jeez.

You're both talking, and I can't follow either of you.

One at a time.

All right.

The first thing I need is for you

to pull all your files on every passenger who's

ever taken a cruise with us.

Make sure all their names are alphabetized, because what

we're going to do--

or what you're going to do is compile a list

and we're going to send Christmas cards to everybody

who has ever sailed with us.

Isn't that a great idea?

Well, I guess so, but Julie--

oh, and make sure that you make a special notation

on all the cards of the passengers that have taken

more than one trip with us.

Now, listen Vicki, after you get that project underway,

what I need you to do is very important

because I want you to make a list of all the passengers

that are on the ship and find out

what their favorite drink is.

Then give me the list.

I'll keep it behind the bar.

When they come in, I will have their drinks ready for them

before their shorts hit the store.

[Interposing voices]

Vicki, did you get a count of the cotton balls and tongue

depressors like I asked you?

Well, I'm working on it, doc.

Vicki, did you type that letter to my mom yet?

No, but I will.

Oh boy, what a great idea the captain had making

Vicki our secretary, huh?

Oh, marvelous idea.

Well, my dad said he was going to keep me busy.

I didn't think he meant for the rest of my life.

Vicki, are you sure you can handle all this?

No problem.

Good, because after lunch, we have

a lot more stuff for you to do, like paperclips, pencils--

I need pencils, number two pencils--

[interposing voices]

[Music playing]

Hi, Linda.

No puerto vallarta for you?

Mm-mm.

No?

You're missing a fun trip.

I'm missing a fun trip right here.

Mm.

Sounds like a problem of the heart.

Barry?

Mm.

You know, I thought it was so nice to finally

meet a man that didn't come on to me

the first minute he met me.

That would be nice.

Yeah, except for one thing, I think

I could really fall for this guy, and would you believe it?

He's kicked the habit.

You wouldn't mean he's stopped smoking?

Are you kidding?

That's the only thing you will do in bed.

I don't know.

I guess somewhere along the line some bad lady must

have really turned him off.

Well, that doesn't mean that some good lady can't come along

and turn him right back on.

Yeah.

Look at it this way.

You're Florence nightingale and you're giving aid and comfort

to some poor sick soldier.

Yeah.

Maybe I better go practice rolling my bandages.

[Laughing]

Doris: Get me bridge and a two pound box of chocolates

and I'm in heaven.

You're going to get there fast,

Doris, if you don't stop getting chocolate all over these cards.

Well, ok.

Shirley?

Hmm?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Why didn't you play my ace?

I'm sorry, I didn't see it.

Thanks for the gift.

Shirley, wake up.

Don't you have any clubs?

Sorry.

Oh, we all make mistakes.

I just don't seem to be able to concentrate.

Well here, have a chocolate.

That always helps me concentrate.

You should be in a trance by now.

Oh, Shirley, what is the matter with you?

I'm ruining all your fun.

I--

of course not.

We're having a great time.

I'm spoiling it for you and I just can't seem to help myself.

I-- really, i--

i-- I really am sorry.

I--

Listen, I think we were wrong.

I didn't realize she cared that much for him.

I think I hate myself.

Me too.

Oh, Doris, how can you eat at a time like this?

She can.

Julie (on megaphone): We hope you enjoyed

your stay in puerto vallarta.

Our next stop is the port of Los Angeles.

Captain: See you later, Vicki, oh--

miss stubing.

Uh-- merrill, how's the plan coming?

Has Vicki quit her job yet?

Not yet.

Incredible.

After all the work we've piled up on her,

she hasn't even complained?

Not a word.

Well, you should be very proud of her, merrill.

Oh, I am, Adam.

I'm always proud of her.

But tell me this, what do we do if Vicki doesn't quit?

Don't worry.

We'll jump ship.

[Music playing]

I didn't even think I'd see you again,

much less be dancing with you.

Why?

Well, when you left so abruptly this morning,

I got the distinct feeling I was making you uneasy.

That maybe I was threatening your vow of celibacy.

No.

I don't think anyone could do that.

No offense.

It's just that i'm a different guy

from the Barry of last year.

I'll bet at this time last year, that was you,

all over some poor girl, cheek to cheek, nose to nose,

lips to lips.

Yeah, that was me.

I didn't miss a spot.

I suppose you were also a nibbler.

Like a rabbit in a field of corn.

Now ears to me are just hearing devices.

Doesn't all this body contact bring back any fond memories?

Well, actually it does.

It reminds me of the last super bowl

when the linebackers racked up the quarterback.

Frank, uh-- we got something to tell you.

Another surprise?

If it's anything like the last one,

I better make this a double.

Frank, listen, Shirley's husband's dead.

Dead?

Well, when did it happen?

About a year ago.

A year?

Why did you tell me he was still alive?

We made it up.

Ethel: It was the only way to save our bridge game.

Oh, frank, can you ever forgive us?

Doris: If you don't, we won't tell you where Shirley is.

Forgiven.

Oh, good.

I don't why I let you talk me into coming here for more wine?

As a matter of fact, I think you've had quite a few too many

already.

Oh, don't be such a stick in the mud.

This is special.

This is our last night.

Come on.

Relax.

Let's loosen this tie here, huh?

And let's get rid of this jacket.

Mm.

[Inaudible] That's a little bit better, hmm?

A toast.

To celibacy.

To ecstasy.

Now, Linda, don't do anything rash.

Remember my vow.

Oh, I know all about your vow.

I thought you and I were more interested

in the spiritual side?

I love your spiritual side.

I can't believe that after a year of purity,

I'm backsliding.

Where did I go wrong?

Don't fight it.

Oh, well.

I just hope you'll respect me in the morning.

Shirley?

Frank.

I'd like to explain about this morning.

There's nothing to explain.

You just decided to go ashore without me, that's all.

That's not all.

I left without you because I thought

you were one of those part-time wives who

was looking for a meaningless shipboard fling.

Well, that wasn't for me.

Shirley: Well, I told you I was a widow.

Where did you ever get the idea that I was married?

No, they didn't.

They couldn't have.

I mean, really.

Don't be angry with them Shirley.

Bridge is all they have.

Think of what we could have.

Hey.

You know, we're the first bridge foursome I've

ever seen with three dummies.

Is that you, dad?

It's the captain.

Oh-- oh, I must have fallen asleep.

I'm sorry.

Miss stubing, I don't consider sleeping on the job

the same as doing the job.

But it was only for a minute, dad.

It's captain.

And if I dozed off for only a minute,

where do you think this ship might wind up?

I'm sorry.

Vicki, this isn't easy for me, but as the captain,

I've learned the true meaning of duty,

responsibility, leadership.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to relieve you of your duties.

You are?

I mean, you are.

We all appreciate your dedication to your job.

Now, it's a company policy that you receive some sort

of severance pay, so I've decided that yours will

be the largest banana royal chocolate

chip rainbow sherbet ice cream sundae

ever made aboard this ship.

That was for the sundae.

What was that for?

For firing me.

[Music playing]

Oh, Barry, I feel so guilty about pulling that dirty trick

on you last night, but believe me,

I only did it to show you that I love you.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry.

When it comes to dirty tricks, you're strictly little league.

Meaning?

Well, right now i'm torn between two feelings.

One is wonderful and the other is rotten.

Wonderful, because I just had the experience of a lifetime

with a super lady and rotten because this whole celibacy

thing was just a scheme.

A scheme?

I'm about as celibate as a mink.

Get out.

Ok.

But there's one little extra piece of information

you ought to know.

I love you too.

I really love you.

What is, uh--

that part of the routine?

Does that go along with the rest of the scam,

you tell them you love them, they'll forgive you anything.

I don't blame you for not believing me,

but for what it's worth, it's the truth.

After all, why would I have confessed?

Barry?

You do?

You really do love me?

[Laughing]

What's so funny?

I was just thinking, I hope all of our sons

grow up to be celibate, just like their old man.

[Music playing]

Well, it looks like Dr. Leonhardt

took you out of the bridge club, Mr. Simpson.

Well, not exactly.

We're switching to honeymoon bridge.

Awe, congratulations.

Thank you.

- Thanks for sailing with us. - Bye bye.

Hope you like

[interposing voices]

Oh, Shirley--

Shirley, can you ever forgive us?

Oh, [inaudible]

Oh, I feel terrible.

Oh, honey, no.

Shirley, Doris hasn't had any chocolate in 12 hours.

Oh, we're sorry, honest.

No, it's ok. Why?

It was wonderful.

Really?

Let's just say that, uh-- it's water under the bridge.

[Interposing voices]

All right, after that, we leave.

[Interposing voices]

Congratulations.

We'll miss you.

Bye.

Here, let me give you hand with this.

Oh, no, no.

Don't bother, Isaac.

Doris likes to carry her own candy.

Goodbye.

Bye bye.

Thanks for sailing with us.

Bye bye.

Uh-- nice cruise, Linda?

Yes.

Thank you, Dr. Bricker.

I told you.

She came on by herself and that's the way she's leaving.

$50 bucks, please?

Well, so long, doc.

Barry.

If you ever want to talk to the iceberg,

she'll be thawing out around my fireplace.

Doc, let me tell you a little something about women.

Gopher, at a time like this, silence is not only golden,

but it could save your life.

Well, Vicki, how does it feel to be a lady of leisure again?

Well, I love it, but, you know,

I can't spend the rest of my life doing nothing.

Oh, I wouldn't mind a couple of weeks of that.

Did I hear spend the rest of my life doing nothing?

Gopher, tell her how it's done.

Careful, doc.

I'll tel them about Linda.

Oh, you wouldn't, would you?

Oh, Julie, I want you to remind you to talk to the chef

before our next trip.

I think the desserts should be a little fancier.

Yes, sir.

Well, dad, you know that I can bake cakes and other things--

[Theme music]