Original subtitles

(♪ Love As A Weapon ♪ by Little Scream)

♪ I was putting on my raincoat ♪

♪ When I saw myself again ♪

♪ I was thinking about how I felt ♪

♪ When you fooled my heart again ♪

♪ When your love's not a shelter ♪

♪ And you get caught in the rain ♪

- So, how would we do this?

- I love that question.

- Do you mind logistically?

- More physically.

- We believe in skin on skin.

Eye contact building, secure attachment.

What is it we like? The "seal?"

- Oh, the "Dolphin." Firm but flexible.

- We're not into lawn mowering.

- I don't know what that is. - Or helicoptering.

- Oh, right! Is that where you would...

- There has to be room to breathe.

- Oh, I'm not into asphyxiation.

- More free-range.

- That sounds... so organic.

- Exactly. - I can be a tiger.

- Wow. Great.

- Well, protection is everything.

Especially, in the beginning.

- Yeah, we have to use protection.

- What?

- I can't wait to all sleep together.

(laughing) - Me too.

- No. - Us and the babies.

- What babies?

- The babies that we...

we both want to get pregnant at the same time.

But we wouldn't with you, do the...

- No, you would... in a cup and then...

(lips popping) - I'm so confused.

- Did you not put this on our profile?

- This was definitely not on your profile.

- Rosa's not great with technology.

- Oh, I take that as a compliment.

- We're best friends. We met when we were 15?

- Yeah, when we worked in that bathing suit store.

- Oh, he doesn't need to know that.

- The owner would make us

try on the bikinis just to, you know,

like, see how they fit.

And then he would take our picture--

- Stop, stop! - And then...

- Anyhow... - In retrospect,

it was very wrong.

- We bonded,

and we've been best friends ever since.

Now, we're both recently single.

- Out of some bad relationships.

- The point is...

we both always wanted to be mothers,

but we don't want to do it alone.

- We love each other.

You know, but time is ticking

so why not do it together?

- But adoption is super complicated.

- And buying sperm is... - We don't want that.

- Because... - We want a dad in the picture.

- You'd be very much involved. - Definitely.

- But we can't have actual sex with you because...

- It can get complicated.

- So...

Why are you on a threesome app?

(light background chatter)

- Why are we on a threesome app?

- Are we? (chuckling nervously)

- That is definitely not a co-parenting app.

- No.

- You put "looking for daddy"

on a threesome app?

- Well, because we are.

We are looking for daddy.

(playful music)

- Did you bring everything?

- For the third time, yes.

- After that debacle with the co-parenting app,

you can't really blame me for worrying.

- Well, that was kind of your fault, though.

- How is that my fault? - Well, if you weren't

in recovery from your dating app addiction,

you would've put us on the app.

And none of that would've happened.

- Shh, he's coming.

(footsteps approaching)

- Sorry about the sweat. I'm training for a triathlon.

(man groans)

Cycling's my weakest.

(chuckling)

- You're so athletic.

(chuckles)

- So...

A mortgage, I'm excited to help you

take this next step.

- Us, too. Very.

- So let's start with your assets.

- Anna has more assets than I do.

- Don't sell yourself short. Rosa also has assets.

- Not really.

- Did you bring everything?

- My last two tax returns,

my bank statement, my credit card statement.

I also have some savings. Rosa does too.

We could pool together about 80k.

- That's pretty low for this city, but, um, okay.

Uh, are you freelance?

- I'm a wardrobe stylist.

Events, print ads, film premieres.

- I'm currently working my way through the entire

Criterion Collection.

- I'd love to know your favourites.

- Yeah, um...

Back to, um... So...

On your own, this would be tough,

but as a couple...

- Oh, we're not a couple. We're best friends.

- We live together, though. I mean, Anna lives with me

since her most recent very bad divorce.

- It wasn't that bad.

Anyway, we thought, "Why not pool our resources

and get into the market?"

- Makes a lot of sense in this economy.

- Exactly.

- So can I see yours?

- Uh-huh...

(clears throat)

- This is a... This is your resume.

And a bank statement.

Okay, and, um...

"Rosa is kind and warm-hearted,

and I love it when she reads to me and rubs my feet."

What is this? - Some assessments of my work.

- No, Rosa,

I said, "Notice of assessments" from your taxes.

- Have you filed your taxes?

- Um, it's been a few years.

- A few? - Seven...

Nine... Ever...

But I am on it now.

I'm ready.

- Hmm, okay, you're ready!

Alright, so...

You're a...? - Poet.

And a personal support worker.

- Rosa's amazing with old people.

- Elderly. We don't say "old" anymore.

- Full-time?

- Sort of.

I also, I need time to write.

- Okay, yeah... Uh...

I'm sorry. I don't think I can make this work.

- What? - You have no other holdings.

A bare minimum down payment.

How would you cover closing costs

or taxes and escrow?

Maybe you should just rent.

- But we're hoping to start a family.

We need security, we need roots.

- Can you get us a tiny house?

- Not the tiny houses again.

- In some places, five people

live in a walk-in closet.

This would be just the two of us in a shipping container.

- Stop it. - We just need a starter.

You know, to build up our portfolio.

- Equity.

- We need a nest.

Please, help us.

- I mean, if you're willing to go low, like,

400 square feet...

- We are. - We are?

- Well, then get me your tax returns

as soon as possible.

And I'll do my best.

- Thank you. - You won't regret this.

- Mmm. Mm-hmm. Okay.

- Oh.

How do you feel about being a father?

- Oh, my God.

- I'm pretty good just being a mortgage broker.

(nervous chuckling)

- Thanks.

- What? He's good with money, likes movies.

Plus, we've had no good matches on the app, yet.

- It takes time! We get more interest every day.

See? - Hello, Baby Daddies.

Did you reply? Should I reply?

Let me hold it! - No apps for you!

You spiral. - Fine.

But don't be too keen. Be cool.

We don't want to seem desperate.

- Says the woman who just propositioned

our mortgage broker.

- Again, good with money,

likes movies, very athletic.

(♪ Love As A Weapon ♪ by Little Scream)

Subtitling: difuze