Original subtitles

♪ I want to tell you all a story ♪

♪ About a Harper Valley widowed wife ♪

♪ Who had a teen-aged daughter ♪

♪ Who attended Harper Valley Junior High ♪

♪ Well, her daughter came home one afternoon ♪

♪ And didn't even stop to play ♪

.“ And she said, "Mama, got a note here .“

.“ From the Harper Valley P-T-A-ll 'H

.“ Well, the note said, "Mrs. Johnson .“

.“ You're wearing your dresses way too high .“

.“ It's reported you've been drinking .“

.“ And running around with men and going wild .“

.“ And we don't believe you ought be .“

.“ A-bringing up your little girl this way" .“

♪ And it was signed by the secretary ♪

♪ Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪

♪ Well, it happened that the P.T.A. ♪

♪ Was going to meet that very afternoon ♪

♪ And they were sure surprised when Mrs. Johnson ♪

♪ Wore her mini-skirt into the room ♪

♪ And as she walked up to the blackboard ♪

♪ I can still recall the words she had to say ♪

♪ She said "I'd like to address ♪

♪ This meeting of the Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪

.“ Well, there's Bobby Taylor sitting there .“

.“ And seven times he's asked me for a date .“

.“ And Mrs. Taylor sure seems to use a lot of ice .“

.“ Whenever he's away .“

.“ And, Mr. Baker, can you tell us why .“

.“ Your secretary had to leave this town? .“

.“ And shouldn't Greta Jones be told .“

.“ To keep her window shades all pulled completely clown? .“

.“ Well, Mr. Harper couldn't be here .“

.“ 'Cause he stayed too long at Kelly's Bar again .“

.“ And if you'll smell Shirley Thompson's breath .“

.“ You'll find she's had a little nip of gin .“

.“ And then you had the nerve to tell me .“

.“ You think that as a mother I'm not fit .“

♪ Well, this is just a little Peyton Place ♪

♪ And you're all Harper Valley hypocrites" ♪

♪ No, I wouldn't put you on ♪

♪ Because it really did, it happened just this way ♪

♪ The day my mama socked it to ♪

♪ The Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪

♪ The day my mama socked it to ♪

.' The Harper Valley P.T.A.

♪ If you're gonna have a ball ♪

♪ Then just give Shady Sadie a call ♪

♪ Shady Sadie struts her stuff ♪

♪ For any man who's man enough ♪

♪ So if you're fetching, short or tall ♪

♪ Just give Shady Sadie a call ♪

♪ Sadie put the lean in the tower of Pisa ♪

♪ Shady put the smile on the Mona Lisa ♪

♪ She'll do anything it takes to please ya ♪

♪ Shady Sadie, Shady Sadie ♪

♪ Shady Sadie. ♪

♪ Shady Sadie struts her stuff ♪

♪ For any man who's man enough ♪

♪ Just give Shady Sadie a call ♪

♪ Sadie put the lean in the tower of Pisa ♪

♪ Shady put the smile on the Mona Lisa ♪

♪ She'll do anything it takes to please ya ♪

♪ Shady Sadie, Shady Sadie. ♪

Go away.

Well, honey.

Honey, I thought you were gonna stay in town and go to the library.

Babe.

You know Herbie and Virg. They get a little out of line

once in a while, but they're harmless.

Okay.

Okay, I'll join the church

and I'll only have the ladies over to sip tea.

Honey, lam what I am.

A few beers, a couple of songs,

everyone can close the windows.

Anyhow, they've been copying down the words.

This is for you.

So?

Who are the Lords of Harper Valley buzzing about now?

Why don't you read it?

Gossip is the cheapest form of conversation.

They've probably got some dirt on someone,

and they want to pass it along officially.

- It's about you. - Me?

You're not exactly the pillar of the community, you know?

lam still your mother, young lady. And don't you forget it.

Sometimes I wish I could.

Damn! That does it!

Remember the one about the bear and the walnut?

All right, boys. Party's over. Split. Out.

- Stella, we're just getting cooking. - You two, goodbye.

- You stay. - Me?

- Next time, Stella, my place. - Out, out.

Okay.

All right, let's have it. The last time you looked like that

was when Dee wasn't invited to the Otis Harper Day Picnic.

Damn, damn, damn!

It's bad as that, huh?

"Dear Mrs. Johnson,

while it's not the business of this council to tell anyone how to live,

too many incidents have come to our--"

Stella, I don't believe this.

"The young men of our community

should not be tempted by seeing skirts that are far too revealing.

If drastic changes are not made- ♪

"--Steps will be taken to see that Dee is expelled.

Signed, Olive Glover, Secretary Harper Valley P.T.A."

Decent attitude?

Them biddies wouldn't know a decent attitude

if it got into bed with them.

Ste“?

Oh, Stell, honey.

Stell, you're not going to let this junk get to you.

Oh, honey, come on.

Stell, now they've got so much dirty linen

it's just filling up their great big walk-in closets.

Well, I ought to know.

That grand old bitch of the P.T.A. Mrs. Flora Simpson Reilly

is just a walking talking tape recording

of every bit of juicy scandal in this whole lousy town.

I mean, every time she comes into the La Moderne shop

she just yak, yak, yaks to all of my hairdressers.

Well, you know me, honey,

I'm just in one ear and out the other.

Boy, she just goes on and on and on.

- Alice? - What?

Come here.

Now, Stell.

You sit down.

- Sit down! - Stella, I ain't gonna do it.

Now you start talking.

And don't you leave out a single dirty detail.

Mama, I really don't wanna go in.

Oh no, honey. You're coming with me.

This is something I want you to hear.

I personally think jump-ropes

would be a lot cheaper than a trampoline.

I've never bought either, so I would have no idea.

- I hope these are all right. - Oh, I didn't want black bread.

- You eat them. - Yes, dear.

- Skeeter, black bread? - Oh, thank you.

Uh, please, people,

will you kindly take your seats?

We have a full agenda this afternoon.

This meeting will come to order.

The first order of business is--

I'd like to address this meeting of the Harper Valley P.T.A.!

Point of order.

There are no motions from the floor called for at this time.

All in favor say "aye."

- Aye! - Aye!

- Aye! - Aye!

Unanimous. The chair denies.

- Let her speak. - Sure, Stell.

What you got on your mind?

- I'd like to hear too. - This is still an open forum

for Harper Valley citizens.

And everyone has the right to be heard.

Willis Newton, may I remind you

that you have no children in this school system?

Quite true, ma'am.

But then, lam on the board of the P.T.A.

and lam building the new gymnasium for the school.

You wrote me a letter that I'd like to reply to in public.

You say I'm not fit to live in this fine American town,

that I don't come up to your standards,

or whatever you consider decent.

Well...

lam here to call a few kettles black!

How're you doin', Bobby Taylor?

If I haven't turned you down

seven times for lewd proposals

I haven't turned you down once!

If I were you, Holly, I would've taken this man in and had him neutered!

Oh, and, Holly, honey? You better lay off the booze

or Mack's Liquor Store is gonna come and take your home for the booze bill.

And Mr. Kirby Baker,

a fine real estate executive.

Baker Realty.

"Honesty-- honesty since 1933."

Your secretary, poor little Gladys Wilmet,

she had to leave town awful sudden.

- Cool it. - Had to see a special kind of doctor

in Cincinnati.

If you all know what I mean?

And, oh, I know the nights are just so warm

that poor Willa Mae has to leave her shades open an inch... or so

just to catch the cool summer breezes.

Of course.

And don't a few of our more prominent citizens

simply love to stroll by Willa Mae's house these summer evenings

and peek through the shades just for the entertainment?

Oh, did you stay too long at Kelly's Bar again, Otis?

Oh, yes.

We mustn't forget our illustrious town founder's offspring

Otis Harper, Junior,

that fine cornerstone of the community,

drinking up all the leftovers at Kelly's Bar

every night at closing time.

Ooh, and I'll bet if you checked Shirley Thompson's breath

you'd fine she just took a little nip of gin.

But, lest we forget,

Miss Olive Glover,

the grand secretary of this council.

Poor Olive.

She keeps such good books.

But she's got this teensy-weensy little gambling problem

that everyone knows about,

but no one would ever speak of in public.

I mean, no one would ever speak

of any of these terrible lies in public.

Would they, Mrs. Flora Simpson Reilly?

And I'm saving up something special for you.

Oh, let's face it! This here is just a little Peyton Place,

and you're all a bunch of Harper Valley hypocrites!

Come on, honey, let's go.

Hey, look, honey, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

No big deal, Mom.

"Hello, diary.

Sorry I haven't written lately

but so much has been happening.

Mainly Mama busted up the Harper Valley P.T.A. meeting

and really socked it to them.

She called them a bunch of hypocrites

and spilled the beans about them all.

I'm sure it will leave us at the bottom of the town's popularity polls,

but that will teach them not to screw around with my mama.

A man there named Will Newton

had big eyes for her.

So I suppose we'll be hearing from him any minute now.

It's late and I'm tired.

Good night."

Word got around you had a little trouble here.

Nothing we can't take care of ourselves, Mr. Newton.

Mr. Newton? Sounds like my grandfather.

Don't send me letters then come around

and try to clean up a mess you helped to create.

It sure is hot.

Yeah. It's gonna get hotter.

What kind of game are you playing, Mr. Newton?

If you call me Mr. Newton one more time

I'm gonna have to go out and buy myself a cane.

It's Will.

I've been out of town for over a month.

And the guy who forged my name on that letter is in big trouble.

Ma'am.

Little ma'am.

- Dee. - Hmm?

You're not eating anything.

I'm not really hungry right now.

Dee?

Baby, I'm sorry about the P.T.A. thing.

- I just lost my-- - Oh, that's okay really.

I understand.

It's just such a bummer that the kids could be so mean.

Well...

maybe they've got it out of their system now.

What's it say?

Uh, nothing, honey.

You go on, eat your dinner.

You could pack a wardrobe in those bags under your eyes.

Oh, thanks. I needed that.

Jean!

Miss Plumber, I'm going to have Jean finish you up.

Come on. I'm gonna fix you an Alice special.

Drink.

Oh!

That tastes like raw eggs and Kool-Aid!

It is!

- With a shot of brandy. - Ugh!

Hey, uh, Stell, honey,

I heard about it through the grapevine.

That's not the half of it.

A rock came through my window last night

with a message on it.

Alice, it's getting out of hand.

Now a prank's one thing,

but they're getting mean.

Oh, Stell, those awful kids!

Oh, there's more than kids behind that.

Now, kids think of the toilet paper thing, you know?

But it takes an adult mind to think of something that nasty.

Stell, what are you gonna do?

Move?

No.

No, I'm not gonna move.

Are you sure he's going to show up?

Oh, Stell, honey, will you stop worrying?

Look, I told Rosalie Wilson you and me was coming here.

And then I had seen her tell cranky Barney the mailman.

And you know how those things go.

If Bobby Taylor don't know you're here by now, he'll never know.

Hm-mm.

Hey, Bobby! Hey, Bob!

Did you hear the one about the cat that ate the cheese

and sat in front of a mouse-hole with baited breath?

No.

Well, look who's here.

Beauty and the beast.

Why don't you go find a nice, quiet cave some place

and settle in for the winter?

Hey, Stell, long time no see, huh?

- Oh, hey now, that's original. - Yeah.

I really tried to defend you at the meeting.

I mean, I asked them to let you talk, didn't I?

You came down pretty hard on us.

My wife still has me sleeping in the rumpus room.

That's all right, Bobby.

You've got your guns to keep you company.

You like guns, Stell?

Gee, I didn't know that.

I got a pistol I took off a dead gook.

Shot him right in the ear with it.

Well, tell me all about it, Bobby.

Death just fascinates me.

It does?

Jeez, Stell!

Would you excuse me?

I have to go powder something-- before I get sick.

Uh, Herbie, another for the lady.

And ginger ale on the rocks for me.

Hey, Stell.

Sol loaded her up

with old number 12 shot and let her fly.

Got that turkey right in the gut.

Ate him anyway, buckshot and all.

Ah, Stell.

Boy, you're some kind of woman.

- You think so, Bobby? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, Bobby, hurry up.

I can't wait.

Bobby.

All the way.

All the way.

Oh, Bobby, darling.

Would you be a dear and go put the "Do not disturb" sign out?

Stella. Stella, open the door.

Stella.

Stella, open the door.

Open the door, Stella.

Stella, Stella.

Stella, open the door.

Come on. Come on. Stella, open the door.

Stella, open the door, please.

My wife will kill me.

Stella. Stella.

Stella!

Hey, buddy, where's the fire?

Dee, honey.

It's after 3:00. Get up, lazybones.

You're gonna be late for school.

I don't feel good.

Oh.

Kids are giving you a hard time, huh?

It's not that.

I just don't feel good.

My stomach hurts.

It's a female thing, if you know what I mean.

Well, I'll leave a note on the table for you,

in case you want to go in late.

- Okay. - Meanwhile,

I shall be over on the north side,

trying to sell those frumps

Angel Glow cosmetics to make them beautiful.

- Mama? - Hmm?

Were you pretty when you were 14?

Oh, baby.

I was plain as dirt.

But when I was 17

I won a beauty contest-- Miss Libertyville.

That's when I met your daddy.

Well, I've got go now.

We'll talk about it later, hmm?

You feel better, honey, huh?

Well, hi, Corley.

Hey! You sure you've got the right house?

I sure do, Mrs. Johnson.

It says right here "Mrs. Johnson."

Well, you wait right there.

- I'll get you something. - It's all right, ma'am.

I'm just glad to come by.

You're sort of a hero to a lot of folks around here.

Is that so?

Yes, ma'am.

Well.

Wow.

Thanks.

"May I see you again?

I thought your performance at the P.T.A. was nothing less than sensational.

Yours truly, Willis Newton."

You better check it for a bomb.

Hoo-hoo!

Will Newton.

I am really flattered.

That man is a true gentlemen.

Oh.

Oh, the last time anyone sent me roses was--

well, was your daddy.

Well, now don't you look like the cat that swallowed the canary.

You got something going I don't know about?

Uh-huh.

All right.

All right, who is it?

Only the most eligible man in the county.

Moose Harper.

Will Newton.

No'.

No, you mean he's interested?

I guess you might say he's interested

to the tune of a dozen of these.

La Moderne Beauty Shop.

Oh, good day, Mrs. Reilly.

It's the old battleaxe herself.

Yes, Mrs. Reilly, we have your appointment.

11:00.

Permanent and a set. Right.

And Leona's gonna do you, that's right.

Right. Good day, Mrs. Reilly.

Oh, boy. She's been calling every hour on the hour.

Is she ever uptight. She's having one of her big bashes today, you know?

Alice, you're gonna give Leona the day off

and you're gonna do Miss Flora yourself.

Stella, you're up to something.

And I ain't gonna do it.

Nn-no, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

Yes, lam.

You sure it'll work?

Guaranteed.

Ooh.

I'd give anything to see Flora's face at that party.

Flora, your granddaughters play divinely.

Well, good breeding shows.

Oh.

Thank you.

Oh, now, allow me.

There you are.

Young lady, would you make afresh bowl of punch?

Oh, yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

Excuse me, please.

Olive, how are the sales going?

Oh, we're going very well.

Isn't that wonderful?

- Yes. - Flora, what a terrific party.

- Oh, thank you. - I'd like you to meet Gary Devini.

Oh. Oh!

How Italian.

Are you having a good time, Shirley?

Oh, just wonderful.

- Have our picture taken. - Ah. Ooh!

Did you hear the children's concert?

Oh, I did $0.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Oh!

I like those.

My dear friends,

I can't tell you how delighted lam

at having you all here as guests in my home.

I do want to thank all of you

for your generosity this afternoon.

Thank you.

Oh my God! What happened to my hair!

My beautiful hair!

Oh!

I'm ruined! I'm ruined! I'm absolutely ruined!

Don't you dare!

Two months now, we still don't have the first two bars.

- Who cares? I don't care. - Oh, there's Carlyle.

You better forget him. He's hot for one of the twins.

I couldn't be less interested.

If he had two heads you'd be interested.

Oh, here he comes.

Shut up.

- Hi. - Well, hi yourself.

How have you been?

Okay.

Go on.

You were off-key.

Well, my mouth hurts.

From kissing Bettina Reilly no doubt.

- How do you know that? - A little bird.

She chews a lot of Certs.

I think I've got a canker sore.

You'd better watch who you converse with, Carlyle.

I hear it's catching.

I've got to be going. I'll see you.

I wouldn't want anything to rub off.

Hey, don't get bent, Dee. It's a free country, you know?

The Fifth Amendment says your mother can say anything she wants.

- First Amendment. - Yeah, that's what I meant. See you.

Three strikes and you're out.

It ought to be a good game.

You want to meet me up here or do you want me to pick you up?

Why don't you pick me up? That'll be easier.

Gotta go, Charlie, my wild fantasies just walked into the room.

- Hi, Stell. - Hi, Herbie.

Hey, Stell, did you hear the one about the newborn babies

that were next to each other in the nursery?

The girl baby said to the boy baby, she said,

"Are you a little boy baby or a little girl baby?"

The boy baby says, "I'm a little boy baby."

The girl baby says, "How do you know you're a boy baby?"

The boy baby whipped off the blankets and said, "See that? Blue booties!"

Uh, Herbie, I'd like to ask you a favor.

You name it, Stell. Who do I have to kill?

Have you still got that home movie outfit?

The one you won on the TV quiz show?

Yeah, sure. As a matter fact it's still in the box.

Who have I got to take pictures of?

- I'd like to borrow it. - Okay.

Are you taking a trip or something, Stell?

Yeah, Herbie.

It's gonna be a real good trip.

It's still back there with all the other stuff I won.

I'll get it for you. Watch the store, will you?

Here you go. A whole bunch of gadgets in there.

Zoom lenses, tripod, and the film is good, I think.

- Thank you, Herbie. - Keep it as long as you want.

- Oh, I'll take real good care. - Okay.

Hey, Stell, did you hear the one-- never mind.

Good evening, Otis.

Are you sure tonight's the night?

I ordered the flowers myself.

Corley will deliver them.

There he is.

Psst! Psst!

- Who's that? - Me. Barney the mailman.

What you doing down there, Mr. Crunk?

I dropped some letters this morning.

I had to come back and find them. Come here.

Come here.

- Here's five bucks. - What's this for, Mr. Crunk?

You take it in good faith, boy. Now I'll deliver these.

Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Crunk.

Get out of here.

Why, Barney Crunk.

Oh my, I didn't know you delivered flowers too.

Rain or shine I deliver.

You mind if I come in for a bit, Miss Jones?

What do you hear from Will Newton?

Huh?

I said what do you hear from Will Newton?

I hear that he is in Chicago

on some sort of land deal.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

He doesn't let me in on all his movements.

Don't worry, honey. He will.

Boy, he sure keeps them cumin', don't he?

That's the doorbell.

No kidding.

For you. I had to come back double for this.

You owe 30¢ postage.

Well, now, I think I have 30¢ right here, Barney.

I had to make two trips.

Well, you're just mad because you couldn't peek and see what was inside.

Huh? Hmph.

- It's here. It's here. - What is it?

Is that it? Oh, wow!

It only took a week!

For 30 bucks they ought to send it by special messenger.

You know, I've never seen a real plain brown wrapper before.

Well, in the ad they said they'd process anything.

So this must be pretty tame stuff for them.

You know, Stell,

I'd have given my eye-teeth

to have watched what really went on.

And get caught peeking in someone else's window?

Listen, a camera's enough.

Come on, we can see it.

- Okay. Get the glass. - Right.

- Alice! - There.

Hey! That ain't Corley!

Oh my God!

What?

Oh my God! It's cranky Barney!

- And he delivered this package himself! - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, thank goodness he couldn't look inside like he usually does.

- Come on, let's splice it in. - Okay!

- You sure you can get this film back? - Oh, sure. Sure.

The janitor"; wife is a customer.

All's it will cost me is a free set and comb out. It's all arranged.

Dee. Dee.

I bet you it's more birds and bees crap.

I knew this stuff when I was seven.

Just nod and say "Oh, really?" a lot.

If you don't you get a note sent to your mother.

- I knew... - Class! Class!

Class!

Class! Class!

Class! Class!

Thank you.

Now today we are going to show a special film

dealing with sex education.

Not again.

Class! Class!

Now as future wives and mothers we must stress

the important functions of the human body

and the real purpose they serve.

Edwina and Betina dears, would you pull down the shades?

Yes, Miss Jones.

Good girls. All right, let's see the film.

Class! Class!

Class!

If any of you think that sex is a laughing matter,

wait until you get married.

This film deals with the basic structure and function

of the human reproductive process.

An understanding of this process

is important for all,

and begins with the simple, clear knowledge

that birth is the result of a physical union

of the father and the mother

who contribute equally

to the conception and resulting birth of their child.

It is the reproductive system of each

that we are now going to consider,

reproductive systems that are developed

to an almost unbelievable degree of complexity and perfection.

Oh, he's so small!

My little brother has more than that!

Girls, girls!

Now we're going to have a test on this material later.

I suggest you watch this film very closely.

To understand how this can lead to the birth of a baby,

let us turn our attention to the woman's reproductive system.

On the surface of a woman's genital organs

are folds of skin, or tissue,

called labia.

As we can see in this schematic view

the labia protect the opening of the urethra

through which urine from the bladder is emptied.

Bring back the boy!

It also shields the entrance to the vagina.

At the upper end of the vagina is the cervix,

which is Latin for neck,

neck of the uterus.

The uterus is a pear-shaped hollow organ...

- Who is that? - ls that Miss Jones?

I think-- it is Miss Jones!

Oh my God!

That's the mailman!

Go to it, Barney!

All right!

Tongue!

Go, Delivery Barney!

There you go, Corley.

WW,'!

Boy, Mrs. Johnson, this delivering"; sure getting profitable.

Between you, and Mr. Newton and Barney the mailman,

I'm gonna retire.

What do you want, Will?

Not a thing, Stella.

Just to keep seeing you as long as you're not too busy.

Too busy? Well, I do have a rather busy social calendar.

What with my merry round of cocktail parties

and the cotillion ball coming up.

I'm so busy, you know.

Ah.

How do you survive this town?

I work.

Oh, I keep busy. I make a living.

Sell cosmetics from door to door.

I guess you...

I guess you could say I sell a little bit of happiness in a jar.

You ought to run for political office.

Hey, you know, that's not a bad idea.

And you can start with the P.T.A.

- Oh, come on! - Get rid of that awful potato head

Flora Simpson Reilly and her snobby friends.

Between them they haven't done anything for that school in 10 years.

Why, on the new gymnasium I had to fight them tooth and nail

until I agreed to pay for the repairs out of my own pocket.

All they ever do is give parties

and barbecues and backyard socials

to raise money, most of which comes out of the treasury

to pay for the parties to raise more money.

You mean to say that my contribution's

going to that cheap champagne Mrs. Reilly serves

- at her fancy guzzling parties? - Absolutely.

Now, I think the kids could get behind your kind of programs.

Oh, what programs? I don't have a program.

Maybe not. But you would never cheat them

out of what's theirs and not their parents.

Oh my goodness. That's too much to think about right now.

Hold on a minute, heavens. Whoa!

- Stella? - What?

Wow.

That's some pucker.

Well, I play the harmonica a lot.

Oh.

I've gotta go in.

You know, Dee--

Dee won't go to sleep until I...

- switch on that light. - Yeah.

Well, maybe...

maybe just one more.

A little one.

Now...

Have you changed your mind about the school board?

Because the election is coming up

and ol' Flora has got it in the bag.

Oh, now that's too much for me to think about.

You...

and Flora Simpson Reilly.

I-- I-I...

I've gotta go.

Will...

I had fun.

It's, uh...

it's been a long time.

Well, it's about time, Cinderella.

Alice, what are you doing here?

Well, kiddo.

Stella tells Alice to be here at 10:30,

Alice is here at 10:30.

- Ah... - But is Stella here at 10:30?

- Oh. - Oh, no.

See, 'cause Stella's out gallivanting with Mr. Blue-blood,

while Alice sits around here getting calluses on her aspidistra.

Alice, don't you move.

I'll be ready in 10 seconds. 10 seconds!

Mm-hmm.

- I've got a passenger. - Hi. I thought you might need a hand.

- You know? - I had my suspicions.

Well, welcome aboard the Harper Valley steamroller.

Hey, Stell, you sure can drive this truck.

I can handle anything on four wheels.

My daddy taught me to drive his truck when I was 14.

Won't somebody find out about us?

No, they won't find out about us.

I even rented this thing over in Brookdale.

Come on, you guys, have a little faith, will you?

Oh.

Come on.

Oh, that's my room.

My room.

- Ready? - Ready.

Okay. I'll go check and see if he's asleep yet

and then you can bring them around.

Right. Check.

Oh God.

Bertha.

Bertha. Bertha.

Otis, you're drunk.

I swear to God I'll never drink again.

Otis. Otis, you're a lunatic!

- You're crazy. - No, no.

I swear to God, I'll never drink again.

Get off my stomach, go back to bed and dry out!

What's that?

- Well, hi. - Hi.

Couldn't sleep. I'm too keyed up I guess.

Me too.

Do you want some chicken?

Yeah, I'm starved.

Oh, every time I think of Otis Harper's face I could die.

I know.

I'm never going to be able to look at anything pink again.

I stopped by Dr. Kerry's office after work yesterday.

Oh yeah? To pay another bill?

No. No, to talk about braces

and cabbages and kings.

What did he say?

He said maybe.

Oh, Mama, please let it be.

Saturday morning.

Oh, now, now, don't get too excited, hon.

He said maybe.

I didn't spend $1400 for you to end up with crooked teeth.

Maybe we'll stop by Alice's on our way home.

My goodness.

Where did my little girl go?

That's good.

Okay.

The bottom.

Okay.

There you are.

Well, come on, honey.

I want to see my $1400.

Oh!

Oh, baby.

Baby, that's terrific.

Oh, that's terrific.

Alice, how's it going? ls everything all right?

Will you get out of here?

I can't work.

Just a little peek. I'll only open one eye.

Stella. Now you wouldn't interrupt

Picasso when he's creating, would you?

You bet I would! If it was my kid I'd interrupt anybody!

Go get some coffee. She's in a rinse.

Stella!

Oh, honey, look.

Oh, it's gonna be perfect.

Ta-da!

Do I look all right?

Is that me?

Well, it ain't Dracula's daughter, baby.

Mama, is that really me?

It always was you, honey.

Oh, it always was you.

Golly.

Hey, is that who I think it is?

That's Dee Johnson.

What has she done to herself?

Did you see that?

He almost passed out when he saw you.

Go on, look.

I don't know if I'm gonna like this new me.

Yeah, well, I'll take some of the cast-off men if you don't want them.

Hey, you're all foxy.

Hey, Dee, is that you?

Yeah, it's me, Lenny..

"Ol' railroad tracks."

Lift your feet, Lacroix!

Hey, Dee!

Are you gonna watch me run?

Why? Do you do it differently than anyone else?

Yeah, on all fours.

Hey, what's up, Dee?

Nothing. What should be up?

I just wanted to say you look terrific.

I mean the change is really incredible.

That's what everyone says. But it's still me, Carlyle.

I'm still the same person I was one week ago when no one would talk to me.

Well, I'm talking to you.

I always did, didn't I?

I guess you did. I'll see you around.

Hi, honey.

Oh, Dee, you want a hot dog?

No thanks.

What's the matter, baby?

Oh, boys are just so idiotic.

They're like children.

Oh, honey.

When the caterpillar turns into the butterfly,

everyone is amazed.

I'm still me, though. I'm still Dee Johnson.

Oh, baby, baby.

When God gives you that kind of equipment you just relax

and appreciate it. Hmm?

- Now, how about a hot dog? - Yeah!

Will the contestants please take their positions?

Well?

- That's one of the hazards. - Oh, come on, Mama.

How about another hot dog?

- Okay. - Mm-hmm.

It's been a couple of weeks.

What's the word? Are you gonna run?

Oh, Will, I can't.

You can.

Now I know what you're trying to do, Will Newton,

and it won't work. I won't do it.

Will.

Will, I-l can't.

Sure you can.

Oh. Will...

- Will. I-- - For me.

You'll like it, you'll see.

Will Newton...

you are the most persistent man

I have ever met.

We are going to do it...

together.

May I help you?

It's me.

Oh, Mrs. Johnson.

Oh, you look fantastic.

May I have the P.T.A. membership election form please?

The presidential ballot.

Oh yeah, sure.

Here you go.

Thank you, Mavis, dear.

It's time for a meeting of the board!

Oh, hey, Kirb,

how do you sit in one of these things?

This is great.

I'll be darned! You get off of that!

Order.

I've called this meeting because this woman must be stopped at all costs.

That's a good idea.

I'm declaring for a petition

to be signed by every upstanding citizen of Harper Valley.

That's a good idea.

Imagine that tart thinking she could be P.T.A. president.

Why, it's unthinkable.

I could strangle that Will Newton.

I mean, who does he think he is anyway?

Just because he's so damned good-looking.

Good-looking? He's gorgeous.

Where's Skeeter Doogan?

He sent word. He won't be able to attend the meeting.

Aw, that's too bad.

Sure could've used his notary stamp right now.

What's up, Kirb? You got a plan?

Well, up till now there was no reason

to tell you about this,

but Old Harry Johnson and I

had this deal on his house

and Kirby Realty holds this little old second mortgage

that's been foreclosable for years now.

Kirby Baker.

You mean you had the means to run this woman out of town

and you've never spoke up!?

There was no need to, Flora!

I didn't think about it till just now.

I had it tucked away in my files years before Harry died.

Well, go and get it, man!

Don't just sit there!

Hey, Stella?

- Yeah? - How goes the battle?

Why do I get into these things?

Oh, now, honey, you're gonna be great.

I can just see it. "Stella, destined for bigger and better things."

Here, I brought you your mail.

Thank you.

You know, talk down at the beauty shop

is running seven to four in your favor.

It seems an awful lot of folks are real sick of ol' Flora "the mouth" Reilly.

Why, that lousy no-good son of a--

$1300.

Now how am I gonna get $1300? I'm gonna lose this house.

Did Harry really do this?

I don't know.

I don't know. He bought an awful lot of new equipment

when he was talking about going into his business.

Oh, Harry.

He told me his aunt in Springfield lent him the money.

Boy.

You mean Kirby never said one word about this?

He owns the house, legally.

It's gone up in value. Why should he say anything?

He'd have lost a bundle.

What are you gonna do? Dig up ol' Gladys Wilmet?

Well, she's gone off to Toledo or someplace.

- You know, that's not bad. - Hmm?

That's not bad at all.

And I know just the person to get ol' Kirby

down on the waterbed and out for the count.

Babe, I need you to do me a favor.

Take these cards, this pencil,

this book. Get to work, honey.

- Call you later. - Where are you going?

I'm off to get me something Chinese.

And I don't mean Chop Suey.

Excuse me, May I see Mr. Kirby Baker?

Did you have an appointment?

No.

Baker Realty.

Oh, yes, Mr. Brooks. It went into escrow today.

We'll call you as soon as we hear something.

Goodbye, Mr. Brooks.

- Is he in? - Let me check.

Excuse me, Lola.

I'll take care of this young lady personally.

Now, what can I do for you, Miss...

Wong, Myrna Wong.

I'm looking for a small house to rent.

Just myself.

Something private

and out of the way.

Out of the way.

Well, let ol' Kirby show you about.

- Won't you step into my office? - Thank you.

Ooh.

Will this house be for business or pleasure?

A little of both.

Yes, of course.

Um, that gown is lovely. Hong Kong?

No. New York.

Really? New York.

Just subdue the light a bit.

It's so darn bright. Eyes.

Music?

Come, sit by me,

and we'll look through the listings together.

Here's a French Provincial

with two beautiful oak trees.

And a little place for your puppy dog if you had one.

Oh!

Crazy lady!

Far out, baby.

You have humor.

What was that?

Hey.

Dig that flying, Mama.

Yeah, kinky.

Kinky.

E-excuse me.

Would some call the police?

I've been assaulted.

Well, that woman will not get a seat on my board.

No, my love.

Kirby Baker will see to that.

You always knew the cleanest method

of finding a solution, my love.

Hm-hmm.

Eat your fowl, Henry.

Hello? Mrs. Reilly here.

Kirby Baker did what?

In jail?

Get everyone over here tonight!

Yes, tonight!

Oh, it is time to fight fire with fire.

Yes, my love.

It's on me.

- Hi, Bobby! - Oh. hi.

Looking for your fire hose?

Huh? Oh.

Tex.

I'm Dutch. He's Tex.

How do you do?

You got the money?

Half now, half when the job is done.

I don't like you.

I don't like you one little bit, you know that, fella?

All right, what's the deal?

This rich bitch Flora-something-Reilly

sends out feelers in the city and we spend gas money coming to this burg.

Who the hell is this Skeeter fella and how do we dispose of his body?

No, we don't want him hurt!

- Don't want him hurt? - No!

What is this, Tex? Are we running a babysitting service now?

Will you shut up?

Everything in here, all the instructions.

Now we don't want him hurt.

We just want to keep him from voting.

- That's a kidnapping, right? - No, nothing like that.

Just hold him at old monastery until the P.T.A. board finishes voting.

Monastery. Did you say monastery?

- That did it. I'm blowing this burg! - Just sit down.

Here you go. Rusty nail.

Boilermaker.

Ginger ale--

on the rocks.

It's on me, Herbie.

I'll put it on your wife's tab.

Well, Dutch?

I'm Tex.

He's Dutch.

Okay, Mr. Whatever-your-name-is,

you've got yourself a deal. Let's drink to it.

Skeeter!

Will you stop watching that TV set

long enough to take the trash out?

This is Wednesday.

And take the dog out too.

Poor thing hasn't gone all day.

You're the one who wanted a dog, you know?

Yes, dear. Oh, that woman.

One of these days...

- Let's go. - You got it.

Hi, fellas. Can I help you?

Would you tell me what's going on?

- I was in there just now. - Uh-huh.

And I look into the office,

and there's Stickyfingers Olive Glover jimmying open the drawer.

She's got the milk fund rally money.

And she's dumping half of it out on the floor.

She was robbing the fund money?

- Mm-hmm. - Mavis, I can't believe that.

Believe it. I saw it with my own four eyes.

Mavis, you've got to tell the sheriff.

Oh, sure. And who do you think they're going to bust?

Olive Glover? Wrong!

Me!

Mavis! Where are you going?

Well, I think everyone's gone stark raving mad!

The police said they found Mavis's library card

in the door between the two offices.

I told you she was watching Olive Glover steal the money.

We know that, baby.

No one here suspects Mavis for a minute.

- The problem is-- - The problem is I'll get my hands

on Olive Glover and I'll beat the living hell out of her!

Whoa, whoa! Down, girl!

Now, we'll land us all in jail

unless we take this one thing at a time. Now let's break it down.

The first thing we have to do, we'll detail jobs.

Now, I'll take Herbie with me.

And we'll try and track down what the heck happened to Skeeter Doogan.

You know, that is so strange.

Because Skeeter"; so predictable.

Two beers, he goes home to his wife.

Three beers, he goes home to his mother-in-law.

- Four beers, he goes-- - Herbie!

Now, you and Alice follow Olive Glover.

Unless I miss my guess she'll head straight for the home stretch

and lay some of that rally money on the nose.

Which means she'll probably stop by the stables

to check out the ponies

and get a hot tip.

I donated five brand-new $20 bills marked consecutively

Good-luck-Harper-Valley-High in the margin.

Ooh.

Get them and we've got her.

Dee, now the board is supposed to vote on acceptance of candidates.

I've already sent my proxy for Stella,

and I know five others who are on my side.

Oh, brother! A tie, six to six.

It's a stalemate as far as I know

and they can make that last for years.

Maybe even postpone the election.

Now, what I need you to do

is interrupt that meeting

with all kinds of floor questions.

- Can you do that, babe? - Yeah.

Good. Now you give us enough time

and we'll find Skeeter.

And I just have feeling he'll swing his vote our way.

Come on, let's get going.

Herbie, get out the binoculars.

Oh, wow! Whoa!

What are we looking for?

I'm not so sure myself.

Anything that's out of place.

Now we can cover a lot of miles up here in this thing.

So just keep looking for something, anything that doesn't fit!

Bingo!

It's post time.

Oh, damn. She took her purse.

Let's just relieve her of it.

- Are you crazy? - Huh?

Now let's just wait her out.

I've called this meeting of the council board

to carry out the election of the president of the P.T.A.

I'd like to address the board.

Young lady, you are out of order.

According to the bylaws of the Harper Valley School District system

it says here, "Any person legally embraced by the Harper Valley district

may petition at any time

any office or member of the school system

or its governing bodies for redress of grievance."

And since I am legally embraced as a student of this school system,

I reserve that right.

Would you ask your question and be quick about it, Miss Johnson?

I refer to the minutes of September 8th, 1968

wherein this board was first elected.

1963?

Well, we cannot hold the vote of this board

on a question of a meeting that many years ago.

It says here, and I quote,

"Minutes of all activities must be kept on file

if they pertain to the business of the school system as a whole."

You do have the minutes kept, do you not?

Yes, of course we do.

Where is Olive Glover?

Oh.

Ahem. Well, um...

it, um, seems that Miss Glover

is off on a personal errand.

Well, let's get on with it.

I'm sorry, but parliamentary rules state--

This meeting is adjourned until somebody can find Olive Glover!

Jeez, if I don't get some fresh air...

It ain't exactly Chanel No. 5 around here, you know?

You're telling me.

- What? What? - Shh!

- She's coming. - Oh!

What do you think you're doing?

You stole that money and I'm gonna prove it!

You're a liar! That little thief Mavis stole it!

Nobody's gonna believe you.

Oh, you little--

Let's see if she can come out of that one smelling like a rose.

Well, I hear it's good for the complexion.

Oh yeah!

Hey!

Damn!

Sure did look like Skeeter.

Come in, Deep Set. Come in, Deep Set.

This is Bar Belly. This is Bar Belly. Over.

Uh, roger, Bar Belly. This is Deep Set. Over.

Have located something near the old monastery on Trail Road.

Cannot set down.

Suggest you investigate maroon van.

We're going to refuel.

You're coming in two by two, Bar Belly.

We'll investigate maroon van. Over and out, honey.

This is Deep Set.

Did you see anything?

Plenty. Here, put these on.

Alice, you didn't?

Well, even nuns have washday blues.

- Polish, polish, polish. - Where?

- On the nails! - Oh Jesus!

Oh, what the hell, let's go in here.

- Where? - Oh, look, there's a stairway.

Quick. Shh, shh.

Skeeter!

What happened? Huh?

Oh, I told you. He's drunk.

- .' I'll meet again with Barbara. .' - Shh!

- Huh? - Oh, Alice. Alice, look.

What are we gonna do?

Go on, Skeeter, get right over here.

- What are you doing? - Against the wall. Stay right there.

Whoa.

- What happened? - Shh! Skeeter, be quiet.

- Shh! - Help me pull.

♪ I've got sisters and brothers and cousins... ♪

Come on, help me pull!

All right!

Pull harder. I think it's coming!

How about a little drinky, Sisters? Have a drink.

That's it! That's it!

- What's this? Where is this? - Skeeter, stay right there.

Oh, Sisters, what are you--?

Come on, get this stuff off. Here it is.

Skeeter- come on, here. Help me.

Skeeter, stand right up here.

Stand right up there. Hold him up.

Get that on him.

- You look just beautiful. - Where am I going?

♪ I got sisters and brothers and cousins- ♪

- Shh. - Why's it so quiet?

- Walk straight. - Straight? I can't--

I just love your place, Sister. I'll be back.

- She's been sick. - Who's sick?

You're pushing me!

What's so funny?

I was just thinking of that guy Skeeter

we left chained up in that room back there

with a case of wine. Boy, that guy is gonna squeeze a few, you know it.

How'd you ever think of that monastery?

How'd you know about that? Did you used to date somebody from there?

No, it's simple.

I knew the janitor hung out at Kelly's Bar, so I slipped him a few.

Hey, that's a great idea.

You slipped him a few, yeah.

Slipped him a few what?

Would you just step on it. I want to get our dough and split.

Oh, right!

Hi-ho, Silver! Away!

Oh, Skeeter, get down!

Hey, Tex. Look at that.

- Look at what? - Get a load of them nuns in that bug.

Man, they are driving like a bat out of hell. Look at that.

Boy!

Let's catch up with them. Want to?

You ever drag a nun? That would be fun.

- Just drive. - I'm gonna catch 'em.

Hey, look at that nun in the backseat.

Boy, she needs a shave.

Hey, Tex! Tex! That ain't no nun!

That looks like that guy we left tied up!

Hey, you know, for once I think you're right.

That is Skeeter!

- Step on it! We've got to stop them. - You've got it.

Happy New Year!

Alice, I want to get there.

But these outfits don't guarantee immortality.

Well, I ain't driving this thing for my health.

Or maybe I am!

That van is on our tail!

Oh no, it's the same car that was outside the monastery.

Watch out!

Herbie!

Looks like Alice's car.

And there's three nuns in it.

Yeah!

It must be Stella and Alice!

- And Skeeter. - Yeah!

He converted?

If we don't stop those nuns we're going to be in a lot of trouble!

Trouble? Oh, I don't know.

I don't know, Tex. I don't think I could hurt a nun. I don't think I can do that.

You hurt who I tell you to hurt or I'll hurt you.

- I can hurt a nun. I can do that. - Okay, let's go!

Hey, Sister, pull over!

I ain't your sister, fruit face!

Pull over yourself.

Fruit face?

All right, all right.

Enough of this Mr. Nice Guy stuff.

They wanna play rough, then we'll play rough.

Hey, wait a minute, Tex. You ain't gonna shoot no nun, are you?

I mean, you shoot a nun I'm going straight to hell, brother.

- Pretend it's a penguin! - A penguin.

- What's going on here, huh? - For God's sakes, Skeeter, sit down!

What are we gonna do?

Oh, keep driving!

They're shooting guns!

Who are those guys?

I don't know, but fly higher.

Will, they're after us and they've got guns! What are we gonna do?

Keep driving!

You're kidding.

Watch out!

Don't worry!

Oh God!

- Oh God! - No!

- I can make it! - No, you can't.

- I can make it. - No.

Dutch? Dutch!

Are you all right, kid?

Dutch, talk to me, Dutch.

Come on, kid.

Kid, you all right?

Dutch, talk to me!

- I think I'm all right. I think so. - Are you all right?

Good. Dutch, you didn't make it, Dutch.

- I didn't make it? - You didn't make it!

I told you you didn't make it.

I told you you didn't make it, Dutch!

Why don't you ever listen to me, Dutch? Listen to me.

Come on in, everybody.

Now that the rabble-rousers have gone

perhaps this board can get down to business.

You still haven't got the minutes to the meeting.

Oh ho, ho, really?

Is Bobby Taylor here?

- I'm here! - Bring her in.

Oh, Olive!

Olive, what did you step in?

You're going to have a lot of good luck.

As you can see,

we now have the secretary and the book.

Um, Olive, please.

Do you wish to continue with this charade?

No, ma'am.

Then I suggest that we take a vote immediately!

- Olive! - Hold the phone, Flora Simpson Reilly!

- Who's that? - It's a nun.

It's two nuns. It's nuns.

Nuns? What are nuns doing here?

We've got a couple of voting members to be heard from.

Yeah, and you are gonna be one voter short.

Go and get her, boys.

Congratulations, Madam President.

- Why, thank you. - Now, I have something else planned.

Oh, what's that, Will?

- Come on, let's go. - Go? Where we going?

To get married.

Oh God!

- I thought he'd never ask. - Yay!

♪ I want to tell you all a story ♪

♪ About a Harper Valley widowed wife ♪

♪ Who had a teen-aged daughter ♪

♪ Who attended Harper Valley Junior High ♪

♪ Well, her daughter came home one afternoon ♪

♪ And didn't even stop to play ♪

♪ And she said, "Mama, got a note here ♪

♪ From the Harper Valley P.T.A." ♪

♪ Well, the note said, "Mrs. Johnson ♪

♪ You're wearing your dresses way too high ♪

♪ It's reported you've been drinking ♪

♪ And running around with men and going wild ♪

♪ And we don't believe you ought be ♪

♪ A-bringing up your little girl this way" ♪

♪ And it was signed by the secretary ♪

♪ Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪

♪ Well, it happened that the P.T.A. ♪

♪ Was going to meet that very afternoon ♪

♪ And they were sure surprised when Mrs. Johnson ♪

♪ Wore her mini-skirt into the room ♪

♪ And as she walked up to the blackboard ♪

♪ I can still recall the words she had to say ♪

♪ She said "I'd like to address ♪

♪ This meeting of the Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪

♪ Well, there's Bobby Taylor sitting there ♪

♪ And seven times he's asked me for a date ♪

♪ And Mrs. Taylor sure seems to use a lot of ice ♪

♪ Whenever he's away ♪

♪ And, Mr. Baker, can you tell us why ♪

♪ Your secretary had to leave this town? ♪

♪ And shouldn't Greta Jones be told ♪

♪ To keep her window shades all pulled completely down? ♪

♪ Well, Mr. Harper couldn't be here ♪

♪ 'Cause he stayed too long at Kelly's Bar again ♪

♪ And if you'll smell Shirley Thompson's breath ♪

♪ You'll find she's had a little nip of gin ♪

♪ And then you had the nerve to tell me ♪

♪ You think that as a mother I'm not fit ♪

♪ Well, this is just a little Peyton Place ♪

♪ And you're all Harper Valley hypocrites" ♪

♪ No, I wouldn't put you on ♪

♪ Because it really did, it happened just this way ♪

♪ The day my mama socked it to ♪

♪ The Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪

♪ The day my mama socked it to ♪

♪ The Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪