All language subtitles for Columbo.S06E01.en

What do you think?

I think that I had better
try and help you.

Would you?
Oh, that would be an honor.

Detective Lucerne helping me.

Wait till I tell my wife.

You. Hands up. No noise.

We still think
it was premeditated, don't we?

Oh, I don't know, sir.
What do you suppose?

And here I thought you were in shock.

You thought I was confused.

You're right.

Perhaps scared.

You're amazing.

If you tell me that one more time,
I'm gonna kill myself.

- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?

Half-a-dozen people have
already attested to the fact...

that I was nowhere
near the Baker home...

on the night she was killed.

Not one of those six people realized...

he was listening to a recording.

Not one of those six people realized...

that vague illusion
moving behind the screen...

was not you at all,

but someone else.

A fascinating theory.

You know, some people think you're the
most brilliant detective of our times.

I tend to agree
because, as it happens,

you're absolutely right.

Yes, I did kill Mrs. Baker.

But for all your
vaunted brilliance, Lucerne,

there's no way in the world
that you can prove what I've just said.

Ah, the other half of the team.

The gentleman whose silhouette
impersonated you so well...

behind the screen.
It's Joseph, isn't it?

It'll be a treasure
to pill you, Mr. Lucerne...

I'm sorry!

"Treasure to pill you?"

He was all right up to there.

Replace him.

Clare, don't you understand?

The studio doesn't pick up one cent
of this extra tab on Ward, we do.

You and I, we produce the show.
We own it.

This extra money for Ward
is coming out of our pockets.

Why don't you just
let me handle that?

Now, gentlemen, may we continue?

Who does Ward Fowler think he is?

Now, look, Clare.

As representative of this studio
I will not stand for this precedent.

There is no actor in the business
who is irreplaceable.

Clare, Ward Fowler is not the first
actor on this network to win an Emmy,

and he's already one of the
highest paid performers in television.

If we give in to him now...

Now, say you
don't give in to him.

He walks.
Then what are you going to do?

Without Ward Fowler, there isn't going
to be any next year for this show.

And because of Ward Fowler,

"Detective Lucerne" has the
highest rating in television.

Sid and I have given you a show that
has been a winner...

year in and year out. But,

Ward Fowler is the show.

As the other half and rather
silent partner of this team,

I'm afraid I have to go along
with my wife.

Try to look pleasant, Ward.

You're supposed to be pleased
when you get a raise.

How many times
must I tell you that?

Do you enjoy
insulting me, Clare,

as much as you enjoyed
making love to me?

Or more? You didn't use to think
I was so bad.

Well, I, didn't used to think.

Neither did I, if I remember.

You do remember? What a tribute.

You know, I don't buy
this hell-hath-no-fury act of yours.

I just think it's your way
of blackmailing me...

and feeling wronged
all at the same time.

And, you know, it's so wasteful.

'Cause I'd give you
anything you asked for.

Just 'cause you asked for it.
You know that, don't you?

I know you invented me
and I'm still grateful.

I get a little bored
with this kind of talk.

You give me what I want because
there's nothing you can do about it,

and that's the only reason.

Otherwise, darling,

grateful or not, you wouldn't give me
the sweat off your personality.

Joe! Joe, those were
marvelous night scenes. Wonderful!

Thanks, Mrs. Daley.

Now, Ward, you just keep remembering
that I invented you, all of you,

and I only take half for my trouble.
Just half. Off the top.

Buy the silver, the usual way.

You're quite
the little dictator.

You know, you sound
like that show we did last August.

The one where we tried
to make the murderer sympathetic.

Oh, yes. That was because
the blackmailer...

was so dictatorial and vicious.

Well, I wouldn't
dwell on it if I were you.

You wouldn't make a murderer,
not even a sympathetic one.

That much personality
you don't have.

Excuse me.
There's a call for you, Mrs. Daley.

Where would you
like to take it?

Mrs. Daley's gonna take the
telephone call in my dressing room.

Thank you.

Where else would Mrs. Daley
take her telephone calls?

No, that's all right, Cathy.

Yes, I can make
the 9:20 preview.

But I... No. I'll have to
leave from the office.

I have tons of work to do.

No. You thank Mark for me,
but he is Ward's gofer, not mine.

And, besides,
I don't like cheeseburgers.

All right, sweetie, I'll stop at Tony's
on the way to the preview...

and get a sandwich.
Yes, I will.

See, tell Sid that he's sweet,
but he should leave.

I'd rather go alone.
Okay, thanks. Bye-bye.

Sid is having an affair
with his secretary.

It makes him so considerate.

It's boring to have
so much attention.

Is there anything
that doesn't bore you, Clare?

Mmm-hmm.
Silver certificates.

I would paper my bedroom
with them if I could.

I wouldn't put it past you.

Where would you put it?

The third inning already.

Yeah, I was held up
in traffic, Ward. I'm sorry.

Look, if you have something else to do,
just let me know.

Oh, but I don't, honest. I've been
looking forward to this game like crazy.

Good. You know how I hate
watching these things alone.

Here, I'll get you a drink.

Hey, I've been on the wagon
for eight months, Ward.

That's a world's record for me.

Huh, Ward?

...back in Kansas City, you'll recall,
earlier this week and...

One drink isn't gonna turn you
into a pumpkin, you know.

Here's the wind, the pitch and the swing
and a high, pop fly on the infield.

Settling under it, the shortstop,
Jones, who makes the catch. One away!

Los Angeles with one out,
a tie game at three...

and here comes first baseman,
Tony Eberly...

Uh-oh. We're in trouble.

Eberly's up. Automatic out.

What're you talking about?
He's a good kid.

Couple more years,
he'll be right there.

No way.
He can't hit in a clinch.

Are you kidding?

Wanna put your money
where your mouth is?

Yeah.

Ten bucks says he gets a hit.

- You're on.
- You got it.

Swings into the wind-up
and here's the pitch.

Fastball, high. And taken by Eberly,
it's ball one.

Ball one.
If he gets a walk, no bet.

Eberly digs in.

Waves that bat back and forth.
Brenner leans in,

gets his sign from Kowalski.

Here's the wind
and here comes the pitch.

Swung on and a high fly ball,

foul and drifting into
the stands in left field.

One ball, one strike to Eberly.

Here's the wind, here comes the pitch.
Swung on and missed.

Ooh, he had
his best rip at that one,

but he swung through a fastball,
knee-high on the inside.

Brought it in under the fist,
did Whitey Brenner.

And so the count goes
one and two on Eberly.

One out,
no one aboard for Los Angeles.

Brenner looks in, gets his sign.
The outfield deep around toward left field.

Here's the wind
and here comes the pitch...

Wahlberg sprinting around first...

and he comes into second
with a stand-up double.

So we swing into the top of the fifth
inning, and we're all tied at...

You gotta mix it up a little.
You gotta live, sweetie.

Tony. Tony, for ten years
you have been trying to corrupt me.

What can I do? I am a purist.

So will you please wrap up
my sandwich and on the double...

because I have to be
at a preview in ten minutes.

Ah, it is a pity m'lady.

Cast out these beautiful morsels
from our life...

Tony. Tony!

You are auditioning
again for me, Tony!

Please, I told you...

Let's play it simple. No noise.

You. Hands up.

- Hey, is this a joke?
- Quiet, shut up!

What have you got? Cash.

- Hey, she's a friend of mine.
- Shut up, I said!

Open the cash register.

I already made a deposit
this morning.

That's all I got for you.
I swear to God, take it.

The guy across the street...

Turn around.
Put your hands up.

You, move ahead. Move around.

Hold it!

Put your hands up.

- My hands...
- Up. Higher.

Walk to the door.

Please, don't.

I said walk to the door.

Ward?

It is you, isn't it?

Move to the door, Clare.

You're wrong.

I know you. You're not the type.

Keep your hands up. Higher!

Why should I do
what you tell me to do...

if you're going
to kill me anyway?

Because if you do as I say,
maybe I won't.

Well, this is one mess you're
going to have to clean up for yourself.

I am going to lower
my hands now and leave.

Good night, Ward.

A double in the bottom
of the sixth inning by...

...has given Los Angeles a 7-5 lead,

and we're ready Togo
in the seventh inning.

Leading it off will be Vince Carr...

Whitey Brenner was relieved
by Kowalski back in the fourth inning...

He's into the wind-up
and here comes the pitch.

Carr swings and misses.
It's 0 and 1. A good fastball.

Carr hitting .231 on the season.

Seventh inning here in Los Angeles.

A beautiful night and
the score is 7-5, L.A.

The wind and the pitch
and a high fly ball to left...

And here comes Scooter D'Agosta
in from the bullpen.

It's a critical spot, now.
Bases loaded.

We got two outs
in the ninth inning.

And the game is 7-6.

D'Agosta has won four
and lost three on this season,

has eight saves. He's a...

...from Brenner
and the count now is full,

three balls, two strikes
on Tony Eberly.

We're tied at three
in the bottom of the third inning...

Mark! Wake up!
You're missin' the game!

Hey! How can you fall asleep?

Eberly's got the count
to three and two.

...and a high-fly ball,
sliced down the right field line.

Fair or foul? It's at the foul pole.
It's a home run!

You just lost ten big ones,
fella. Pay up.

The dope finally made it.

Oh, what a head.

- Come on. You'll sleep it off.
- Okay.

Okay, okay.

There you go.

I should've realized
you can't take the stuff.

I'm sorry, Ward.
Just a few minutes.

He's had trouble getting
his curve ball over tonight.

1-1, the count.
The pitch to Johnson...

Swung on, a line drive.
Base hit into left field.

Johnson circles at first,

the throw comes into second,
he holds at first...

with a solid base hit to left.
And with one out, a 4-3 lead,

Johnson at first base,
and here's catcher, Phil Baxter.

What have you got, Morella?

Hey, Lieutenant.

We're gonna wanna ask him
some more questions...

before you take him in for x-ray.

You bet.

Got us a dead lady and
one pretty beat up deli owner.

What happened?

Robbery. Guy comes in all bundled up
like a downhill racer.

Comes over to here,
lady's over here.

Tony's behind
the cash register.

Takes her money, grabs the money
out of the till,

shoves Tony up against the oven.

He starts pistol-whipping him.

The lady must've started to go...

because Tony heard
the guy yell, "Don't move."

Went back
to pistol-whipping him,

the lady must've really got
scared and started to run.

The guy came out,
shot her in the back.

You got an ID?

Almost celebrity, you might say.

You ever watch a show
called "Detective Lucerne"?

Are you kidding? We never
miss that show. What a detective.

Clare Daley. She produced it,
she and her husband.

Here's her wallet,
Lieutenant. Money's gone.

Didn't bother with anything else.

Oh, sir?
What's that fella's name?

Tony.

Tony!

Excuse me, sir.

My name is Columbo,
Lieutenant Columbo.

Do you think you can answer
a few questions?

Yeah, sure. I'm a little scrambled,
but go ahead.

Now, I know this fellow
was all covered up,

do you remember anything
that might set him apart?

Like his size or the way he walked,
the way he talked?

This guy came in.

He was cool as a cucumber.

Wearin' a blue parka,

and a red ski mask.

A little taller than those bottle of
olives on top of that counter.

Not a big guy,
about your height.

Average height.

Well, that's right,
average height.

Or a little shorter.

Or shorter.

Well, that's about it.

She was a sweet person.
We go back ten years, Lieutenant.

There we are. Two weeks after
I opened up the place.

What a soul this lady had.

Find him, Lieutenant, please.

All right, kill the noise!
Let's have quiet, please!

Roll 'em.

And action!

Jimmy, Jimmy.
Let's go in tight.

Tight, tight.
I'm as tight as I can go.

Get down!
We're shooting a movie. Get down.

Get down.

Cut! Cut!

What is this? Who is that?

Let's move it. We've cut.

It's a little too late
to be careful, sir.

I'm sorry, I...

Oh, what is going on here?

Will somebody get
the security guards?

I can't tell you how sorry I am...

for making this disturbance.
I really can't tell you.

My name is Columbo.
I'm from the police.

- We're ready when you are.
- Danny, Just hold on a second.

It's all right.
Never mind the security.

- Okay. Take five!
- You'll have to excuse me.

Lieutenant Columbo.

I'm terribly sorry.

How can I help you?

Oh, that's very nice of you, sir.
I appreciate that.

After what I did. Gee whiz.

Now, Where was I?

This is a little difficult.

I'm looking for a Mr. Daley.
Sid Daley?

He wasn't at his house last night
and he wasn't there this morning,

and they just told me at his
office...

that they don't know
when he's gonna be in,

so I was wondering if,
you know, I thought...

maybe somebody here would
have an idea where he might be.

This is about Clare, isn't it?

Yes, sir.
Yes. I'm afraid it is.

I heard about the shooting
on the radio.

And I still...
I still can't... I mean I...

I can't quite...

I keep expecting her
to walk in through the door.

I know it's silly
for me to think that...

- You want some ice?
- No, no, no.

But she was something
special to me.

I mean, everybody felt that,
but she was.

I wouldn't be worth a damn today,
if it wasn't for her.

And it was more than that.
She was my friend.

Hey. Take it easy, Ward...

Exactly what time
did it happen, Lieutenant?

Last night, sir.
About ten minutes to nine.

Ten minutes to nine.

God knows what I was doing...

when she could have used my help.

Alone in my room, probably,
with some idiot script.

You were not, you were watching
the ballgame with me.

I was? A ballgame?

Oh, God. I hope I wasn't.
I was alone. I hope I wasn't...

But you weren't alone.

Listen, Lieutenant, he's upset.
He's nervous, you know? And he...

Mark, for God's sakes!
Will you stop it!

This isn't one of my shows!

This actually happened.
Clare's...

Clare's dead. Now, will you
take that soup and get out of here.

I can't take anymore today.

Will you just get out of here!
And stay out!

Sir, Uh...
he didn't mean any harm,

if you'll forgive me
for saying so, sir.

I sometimes have a silly effect on
people, you know what I mean?

Just being a police lieutenant,
you know.

- At least, I hope that's why.
- Yes, I'm sure it is.

Your friend, sir.
He was just trying to be nice.

What?

Oh. Him. No, no.
He wasn't trying to be nice.

He was trying
to fix me up with an alibi.

Then it wasn't true?

What, Lieutenant? I...

Excuse me. I keep swimming
in and out of myself.

Well, you know,
that's what happens, sir.

It's kind of like being in shock.

Maybe you ought to sit down
for a minute, sir.

I am not in shock.
I don't need to sit down.

What was it that you asked me?

Well, sir, it was only what you said
about being fixed up with an alibi.

I mean, did he have a reason to?

Lieutenant, would you mind speaking clearly?
Did who have a reason to do what?

Make an alibi, sir,
your friend. I mean,

were you watching the ballgame at
ten minutes to nine, sir, with him?

Oh, I see. Well...

Yes, I suppose I was.
I don't have an exact memory...

about time,
that's why I have Mark.

And if he says I was, I was.

He's very responsible about time.
That's what makes him a superior gofer.

You think she was murdered,
don't you?

I beg your pardon, sir?

You heard me.

Yes, sir, I did. I mean...

Yes, I do think it was
a premeditated killing, sir.

I mean, I think the robbery
was staged to cover-up the murder.

How did you know, sir?

Why else would you be here?

It could be just
a routine check, sir.

No, Lieutenant.

They don't send a police
detective stumbling around...

asking silly, fake-innocent
questions on a routine check.

I know that from my show.

Well, silly, fake-innocent
questions like what, sir?

Like, "Mr. Daley
wasn't at home last night.

He wasn't there this morning.
They told me at the office.

Said they didn't know when
he'd be in, and I was wondering...

if anybody here had any idea
where he would be."

- A man on a routine check...
- Your chair, sir.

...just asks for Mr. Daley.
Thank you.

Well, you're absolutely amazing, sir.

You're right.

And here I thought
you were in shock.

No, you didn't.

You thought I was confused.

Perhaps scared.

And probably playing for time.

Amazing.

What makes you think
her murder was premeditated?

The usual thing, sir.

Little facts that plain
don't fit, you know, sir.

Anything I hate,
it's one of those little facts.

Doesn't ever seem to matter
how small it is, either, sir.

It could be this big.

Like he left
the credit cards behind.

I mean, why does a street robber
grab money from a wallet...

and leave the credit cards?

They're worth a pretty good piece
of change on the black market.

You see what I mean, sir?

Credit cards. What else?

Oh, there was an alligator bag.
A diamond ring.

I doubt very much if a robber
in a hurry, on the edge of panic,

is gonna take the time to pull
the ring off of Clare's finger.

You mean, sir...

You mean, if she was dead,
he couldn't get it off?

Well, she is,
I believe, isn't she?

Well, yes, sir. But he could have
asked her for it first.

Before he shot her.

I remember Clare trying
to get that ring off at a party once.

Some silly game people were playing.

She couldn't. Not even with soap.

And you can check that out
with her husband.

He was the one that asked her
to take it off.

He was on the other team.

Boy, when you say you studied,
you aren't kidding, are you, sir?

Well, then, what about
the alligator bag?

An alligator bag that is six years
old is apt to be worn-looking.

It doesn't look like it's worth
very much. It probably isn't.

How do you happen to know
all that much about her bag, sir?

I gave it to her.

Well, that takes care of that,
doesn't it?

Right. Well, I guess, then...

there's only the credit cards, sir.

If the killer is an idiot.

I beg your pardon, sir,
I don't quite follow your meaning there.

Well, you don't kill a woman...

and then sell the credit cards
with her name on it.

The police have been known
to bribe fences before, you know.

Well, of course. I'm sorry, sir.
I should've thought of that myself.

Jeez, I guess you're right,
aren't you?

Not a lot to go on, is there?

Cup of coffee?

Sir?

Except the panic.

The panic?

Yes, sir. I might have something in
this area. See what you think.

Mrs. Daley was shot
at a distance of 30 feet...

and she was shot in the back.
Are you with me so far?

Yes, I think I can grasp that.

Now,

Tony...

He's the owner of the deli.

He said that the killer
was "cool as a cucumber."

That's a direct quote, sir.

So that means that
when Mrs. Daley tried to run,

that's when he lost his cool.

See, that's when he panicked
and he shot her.

But he hit her
right in the heart, sir,

and at the distance of 30 feet
while she was running.

Now, that's hard
to do in a panic.

What do you think?

I think that I had better
try and help you,

because you're going
to ask me to, aren't you?

You did it again, sir.
You read my mind. Would you?

Oh, that would be an honor.
Detective Lucerne helping me.

Wait till I tell my wife.

Somebody asking for me?

Oh, Sid, it's all right.

This is Lieutenant Columbo
from the police department.

This is Clare's husband,
Sid Daley.

Sid, what can I tell you?
You know how I...

How I felt about Clare, huh?

We're ready, Mr. Fowler!

Yeah. Yeah,
I'll be right there.

Whoops! We're hooked.

I'm terribly sorry to have
this happen at such a tense moment.

Mr. Fowler, we're ready!

I said, I'll be there.

I'd better watch this,
Lieutenant. Do you mind?

What's the story, huh?

We're running
a little late, Sidney.

Let's move it, huh?

Lieutenant, what about this robber?
Do you have any leads?

Well, sir... The truth is,

it seems to be a little bit
more complicated than a robbery, sir.

- Oh?
- What the Lieutenant is saying is...

that he's come to the conclusion that
Clare may have been murdered...

and the robbery may be a cover-up.

Murdered?

That's insane.

Don't you think you should have
come to me first with this, Lieutenant?

Well, I tried to, sir. I've been
looking for you ever since last night.

I was with my lawyer last night.

We meet for chess
once or twice a month,

and last night turned out
to be a marathon session.

We didn't quit
until five in the morning,

so I stayed over.

Thank you, sir.

This friend, sir, the lawyer,
where can I reach him?

Is this a grilling session?

What am I? Some kind of
suspect or something?

Nothing personal, sir.
I have to ask these routine questions.

Well, his name is Leo Hart.

But I think you're gonna
have trouble contacting him.

He took the plane
for Rome at noon.

- We're ready to roll.
- Let's do it then, huh?

Mark! Why don't you entertain
the Lieutenant while we shoot this.

I'm sure he's seen this, anyway.

Seen it? He was in it.

Yeah, you know, Ward is right.

Time is my business, you know,
and I always know it.

Oh, boy, am I hung-over today.

I'll be glad
when this day's over.

Hey, what time you got,
Lieutenant?

11:00 on the dot.

Are you kidding?

Jeez, I paid a thousand
smackers for this watch.

I lost five minutes overnight.

Do you mind, sir? I have never
seen a thousand dollar watch before.

Boy, that must be solid gold.

That's platinum.

Oh, no wonder
it looks so different.

Well, there's nothing wrong
with your watch, sir.

You have 11 o'clock, too.

Yeah, but it should be
five minutes past eleven.

I always set my watch,
you know, five minutes fast.

You know, you're always
racing against time 24 hours a day.

Excuse me, sir, are those
men members of your crew?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
They're with us all the time.

Good. I think I'll have a word with them.
Thank you very much for everything.

Excuse me, sir.
Lieutenant Columbo, LAPD.

I wonder if I can have
a word with you?

We're gonna have the hotel
in the shot, right?

Everything.

On the master, right?

In the master, right.

This is where...

He comes up right here.

Can I ask you this?

What now?

This is just the way
we discussed it.

This we do on stage...
This is on stage three, right?

- Right. Stage three.
- How long do we stay there?

Two days at the most.
Then we go to four.

Well, what I wanna know...
Would you make a note of this, Cathy?

What I wanna know
is do we really need this set?

Excuse me, sir.
I don't wanna interrupt you.

Is that the shark from "Jaws"?

Yeah, I believe it is, Lieutenant.

That's the one
that they used in the picture?

I think so.

Well, that looks different to me.

I can't help that.

If we do scene 31 on stage four...

Could they have two?

You know, because in the picture,
at the end, it got all mangled.

Lieutenant, I know you didn't
come here to talk about sharks.

I'm pressed for time.
What do you want?

Well, I just wanted
to ask a couple questions...

We got wardrobe in five minutes.

I can give you two minutes.

Fine.

Thank you very much.

I understand, sir, that
you and your wife were living apart.

That's true, Lieutenant.
We haven't been close for some time now.

Would you know, sir, whether or not
she was seeing somebody?

I don't mean to get personal,

but somebody whom she might be
emotionally involved with?

Clare was devoted
to her work, Lieutenant.

She wasn't any more interested in
lovers than she was in her husband.

It made for a pretty
miserable marriage.

Well, still, you must've
gotten along pretty good.

I mean, you were
partners in business.

Partners?
That was on paper, Lieutenant.

Clare fought me on everything.
She had to have things done her way.

If I said white, she'd say black.

All you have to do is take a look
at this new Ward Fowler contract.

Paying an actor
that kind of money is insanity.

Now, wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.

Are you saying that you didn't
wanna pay him that money?

I think they should
have turned him down.

I think he would have folded.

But Clare argued me
right under the table.

I was an idiot for giving in.

Now, if this show
takes a dip they'll drop it.

I still don't understand.

You and your wife were partners.
Now, isn't it to her best interest...

not to give him all that money?

In anything involving Ward,
she always took his side.

Forgive me for asking this, sir.

I seem to remember stories that
at one time they were pretty close.

Are you suggesting that their
relationship was still pretty close?

Yeah. But not the way you mean it,
Lieutenant.

Oh, sure, they'd
had a big romance, but...

by the time I came into the picture,
it was dead.

But that didn't mean that Clare was
finished watching over Ward's career.

She stopped being a lover
and she became a mother.

Sent him off to have
his teeth capped.

Made him drop ten pounds.
Showed him how to comb his hair.

It sounds like
she was proud of him.

It was ego. Clare's ego.

You learn.

Lieutenant Columbo.

Lieutenant Lucerne.

I just wanted
to fill you in, sir.

Right. What have we got?

Nothing.

We still think
it was premeditated, don't we?

Oh, I don't know, sir.
What do you suppose?

Well, I suppose if that's
your instinct, then it must be right.

My instinct about Clare,
and I don't have any clues to go on,

is that she was... what they call,

I believe the term
is victim-prone.

Some people are, you know?

And Clare, well,

Clare was given to taunting people.

She was a born victim.
She was the kind who asks for it.

In her marriage, in her life...
Quite possibly in her death.

That's fascinating, sir.

You've got quite a way
of putting things.

Especially about Mrs. Daley.
Let me ask you, sir.

Could you maybe
tell me more about her?

Not much.

But you're right.

About what, sir?

What you're thinking.

I was lying before.

I didn't like Clare very much.
I haven't for years.

Which doesn't mean to say I wasn't
shocked by the news of her death, I was.

And I was still a little bit
shook up when you first walked in,

so I said whatever sounded
right to a detective.

Some other detective.
Not you. Please sit down.

Properties, a glass
for the Lieutenant, please.

You had me absolutely fooled, sir.

- Really?
- Scout's honor.

Even after you asked
a few questions around the set?

Thank you.
Our fights, Clare's and mine,

weren't always discreet.

And some of them were overheard, I believe.
You must have been told by the crew.

You know how people talk.

Yes, I do.
I know exactly how they talk.

But gossip doesn't mean anything, sir,
does it? One way or another.

I mean, we still don't have
anything to go on...

except the fact that the killer
hit the bull's-eye from 30 feet.

If he hit the bull's-eye,
Lieutenant.

What do you mean, sir?

I mean that there's
as good a chance of a man...

hitting the shoulder but as there is
of his hitting the heart.

Which leads us to another theory.

We're going to assume
that our man is a robber,

with no prior intent to kill anyone.

And we're also going to take
into account the fact that a...

bullet aimed high at the back
has a better than 28% chance...

of killing the victim
by hitting a vital organ...

in a crime
that is not premeditated...

by a robber who is not
an expert marksman.

Now, what do you think
the odds rise to,

if the man is an expert marksman.

Do you think an ex-mercenary,
a kid hung-up on guns,

excuse me, a former policeman,
shoots still targets?

No. Part of being an expert marksman
is hitting a moving target.

And a man who is accustomed to firearms
enough to be an expert marksman...

is often in a situation of panic.

That's brilliant, sir.

That's very impressive.

No wonder you solve
more crimes than I do, sir.

Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, sir. I forgot.

Forgot what?

The dress.

The what?

I think I can show you
what I mean, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

Would you draw a circle back there
right around the area of the heart?

Don't press too hard, sir.
I don't wanna ruin the coat.

Now what?

Now I drop my hands.

Do you see what happened
to that circle, sir?

When I dropped my hands,
the circle dropped, too.

Now, when I first saw
Mrs. Daley's body,

I noticed that she was wearing
one of those tight-fitting dresses.

And that the bullet hole
in the dress...

was about an inch below
the actual wound in her body,

which meant that she had to be
holding her hands up when she was shot.

And she couldn't be
running away, could she?

I mean, with her hands
standing like this.

No one runs for their lives
with their hands straight up.

So, either she was walking
with her hands straight up...

or she was standing still
with her hands straight up...

when the gunman
shot her in the back.

Very well done.

But I wish you had said
something before about this.

It would've saved us
a lot of time, wouldn't it?

Well, we're back to our
deliberate murderer, aren't we?

And this time
there's no doubt about it.

Really, Lieutenant, really well done.

Ward, the car's ready
to leave for the back lot.

This is what the police artist
came up with.

Not much help, is it?

No help at all, sir.

I shouldn't have wasted your time.

Well, I'll just let myself out.
Thank you very much.

Where is the...

Oh! There's the door.

Lieutenant, where do you think
he got the costume?

Well, funny you should
mention that, sir.

I've been asking myself
that same question all day.

There's a couple
of odd things about it.

Neither the parka nor the ski mask
have any markings on them.

No way to trace them,
and they were cut to ribbons, anyway.

You certainly
lock yourself in here, sir.

And very smart to do it, too.

Oh, here we go.

No, that doesn't work either.

You think he mutilated the disguise...

because he was afraid
someone might recognize it?

Exactly, sir.

Boy, do you and I think
the same way. It's amazing.

Isn't it?

I wonder, sir. Is there a trick
to unlocking this door, sir?

I can't seem to manage it.

Everybody has trouble with this.

Thank you very much, sir.

Oh, did I mention the mask?

That it was slashed?

No. That it had makeup on it.

The lab turned it up, sir.

Where would he find a mask
that had makeup on it?

That's a very good question.

I believe you know the answer.

I believe I do, sir.
We could be looking for a woman.

Precisely.

We've assumed all along
it was a man,

but it's possible we were wrong.
Particularly in the light of this.

Oh, I'm relieved
to hear you say that, sir.

I thought you were going to say
it was impossible because of Tony.

Tony... He's the owner
of the delicatessen.

Saying that the voice was a man's.

But, the below average height...

and the fact that the voice
was disguised and it was...

muffled by the mask...

All indicate at least the possibility
of a doubt as to the gender.

The lab is going to be running
some more tests on that makeup,

so I'll report tomorrow.

You should be on salary,
sir, with these hours.

I feel I am.
Good working with you.

Thank you.

I guess I just
got carried away, sir.

I hope you don't mind.

No, no. It's all right.

These shoes, sir,
they're really terrific.

Now I know why, Lieutenant Lucerne,
he always look so tall.

Yes, well, I would appreciate...

a certain amount of discretion
in that matter, Lieutenant.

Public image, you know.

Oh, right, sir. Oh, well,

you don't have to worry about
a thing, sir. As far as I'm concerned,

you're four inches taller than I am.
And that's the end of it.

Thank you, Lieutenant Columbo.

My pleasure, Lieutenant Lucerne.

Sir, I got the second
lab report on the mask.

- So I hurried right over.
- Yes?

It turns out that it
probably isn't a woman, sir.

You see, it was actor's makeup.

Not the kind of makeup that
women use in the street. Pancake.

Women very often...

use a brand of makeup that's
made up for actors like pancake.

I, for example, use precisely
that product myself.

Yes, sir. I know.

Yes. I'm sure you do by now.

No, but the point here
is something else, sir.

You see, the lab found traces...

of four different shades
of makeup on that mask.

And women, you know, they don't
usually change shades that much.

So, in the light of that,
sir, I got to thinking.

Where did it lead you to this time?

A guess, sir.

A professional makeup man?

Right, sir.

And then to my makeup table.

Oh, no, sir. No, sir. No.
I only came here to see you. Honest.

I was just fooling around
with the shoes...

just to pass the time for
something to do until you came in.

No. I didn't look at another thing
while I was here.

That means you didn't have to.

You already know something.

Where did you look?

Guess, sir. I'll give you three guesses.

The studio wardrobe department.

You got it in one, sir. That's
absolutely amazing. You're right.

The parka and the ski mask.
That's where they both came from.

And the gun?

Come on, sir. You're putting me on.

You know that guns don't come
from the wardrobe department.

Of course. How stupid of me.

No, that's the prop department, sir,
not the wardrobe department.

How does a smart man
like Lieutenant Lucerne...

make a mistake like that?

Because you're not talking
to Lieutenant Lucerne at the moment,

are you, Lieutenant?

You're talking to Ward Fowler.

Well, what's the difference, sir?

The difference is Ward Fowler's
under suspicion of murder.

And a man
under that kind of threat is...

apt to make mistakes.
He's apt to get rattled.

Well, who ever said
anything about Ward Fowler...

being under suspicion of murder?

Lieutenant Lucerne did.

He did?

Well, how did he come
to that conclusion, sir?

He had to face the same fact you did.

What fact is that, sir?

There are only four people
who could have murdered Clare.

You mean the four people who knew...

where Clare Daley
was going to be that night.

Exactly! And only one of those...

is instantly associated with
makeup, wardrobe and props.

Well, now, let's see.

Mrs. Daley took the call...

from her secretary
in your dressing room...

when she said that she was going to...

Oh, what's his name, sir?
Tony's.

You know Tony, sir.
He's the one who...

If you tell me that one more time,
I'm gonna kill myself.

Sorry, sir.
Have I said that before?

So the number of people who knew...

where Clare Daley
was going to be that night,

her secretary,

Uh... Mr. Sid Daley,

Mark...

I'm curious as to how Mark knew.

Well, sir, Mark offered
to bring her a cheeseburger,

and she told her secretary to tell him
that she not only didn't want a gofer,

she didn't want a cheeseburger, either.

And that she was going
to get a sandwich over at Tony's.

And she said to tell
her husband the same thing.

I see.

Well, no you don't, sir.
I mean, you must have seen before.

Because you were in the room
when she took the call, weren't you?

She made it from this dressing room.

I don't know. I'm not sure.

I'm not in the habit of listening to
other people's telephone calls.

I didn't know that Clare
was going to Tony's.

You didn't, sir?

Absolutely not, Lieutenant.

Then how did you know, sir,
that there were only four people...

who knew where Clare Daley
was going to be that night...

and how did you know
that you were one of them?

The same way you did.

I asked Clare's secretary
and she informed me...

that the call was made from my room.

You did, sir?

Oh, yes, I did, Lieutenant.

Oh, that's very good, sir.

Thank you, Lieutenant.
I believe you meant that.

Oh, I did, sir.

I'd say we make rather
a good team, don't you?

Yeah. Sort of like
Sherlock Holmes and Watson, sir.

No, no, no, no, no. More like
Sherlock Holmes and Sherlock Holmes.

Well, what I mean, sir,
is the way I see it,

I'm working with the highest
paid detective in the world.

It's not as high as it sounds.

Not when you have to pay out
as much as I do.

Well, I gotta get
to work on Sid Daley.

Boy, it's hard to find
someone in Rome, sir.

Yes, I imagine.

But his story has to be checked out
just like anybody else's.

Oh, by the way, sir,

did I mention that we found the gun
in the prop department?

No. What you said was that was
where you were gonna look for one.

Oh, that's right, sir. Right.

And you didn't wanna
jump to conclusions.

No good detective should.

Was there anything on the gun?

Anything like what, sir?

Fingerprints, what else?

Oh, right.
No, I don't think so, sir.

The lab is still running tests.

By the way, sir,

why do you think he put the gun back
and threw away everything else?

Perhaps because he didn't have
time to get rid of the gun safely.

Guns are very easy to trace.

And the prop room may
have seemed the safest place to him.

I think you hit it again, sir.

Ready when you are, Mr. Fowler.

Be right there.

Oh, sir, if you didn't think
I was gonna be in the way,

I would love to...

No. Not at all. Be my guest.

Thank you very much, sir.
I appreciate that.

Excuse me, sir.

I don't wanna appear grabby,

but do you think I could
have one of these, sir?

Certainly. As many as you want.
That's the usual publicity nonsense.

Ward Fowler this,
Ward Fowler that. Nothing.

Nothing to you sir, but to my wife...

Boy, she's gonna be tickled pink.

But blend it on.

All right.

No. I mean blend it,
especially on this side.

Oh, I see. All right.

Like that?

I can't tell.

Oh, am I in the way, sir?

Oh, forgive me.
I didn't mean to intrude.

That's remarkable. How you do that, sir.
My wife would like to have you around.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

You know, this bio, sir,
it doesn't say anything about...

when you were first discovered,

and what you were doing when you were
discovered, who discovered you.

I'm going to have a little chat with
the publicity department about that.

Come to think of it, sir,

it was Mrs. Daley
who discovered you, wasn't it?

Now, Lieutenant, I told you
all about that with great emotion...

and in great detail
the first time we met.

Well, that's what I mean, sir,
it should be in here.

Excuse me, Kenny. Thank you.

Where were you and when...

Lieutenant, why don't you just ask me,
what it is you wanna know?

Where did Mrs. Daley discover you, sir?

That's something even my wife doesn't know.
It doesn't say anything here in the bio.

It doesn't even say whether
Ward Fowler's your real name or not.

And that's something any
Lieutenant Lucerne fan would wanna know.

Why don't we stop pretending...

that I'm brilliant and you're
simple for one moment.

I'm gonna confide something in you.

Anything you tell me, sir,
it's between us. Like the shoes.

Lieutenant, my real name,

so help me, Charles Kipling.
And you're the only one who knows that.

Now, Charles Kipling was
in a little bit of trouble...

when Clare first found him. Actually,
I was doing theater in Toronto.

Clare and I hit it off big,
she thought I had a great future,

she persuaded me to leave Canada.
And that was the beginning.

The trouble straightened
itself out, of course.

But I've always been a little
sensitive about it. You understand?

Oh, I certainly do, sir.

Lou, Lou, I'm talking,
but you're not listening.

There's no money in the budget.

Lou, will you believe me?
There's no money.

Look, that's the way it is,
take it or leave it.

Good. Good.
You got yourself a deal.

What is it this time,
Lieutenant? I'm a very busy man.

- There was no one out there, sir.
- It's all right.

So I just came in. Congratulations.

Congratulations for what?

I heard you came into a lot of money.

I see. You heard
about my little windfall?

Yes, sir, I have.

Lieutenant, if you think I knew
anything about this, you're wrong.

My lawyer called me and told me
my wife's safe deposit box...

was practically layered with
receipts for these silver certificates.

I'll be damned if I can figure out
how she did it.

I think the government's gonna
have a little trouble, too, because...

she never declared them as income.

She kept the certificates in a
numbered account in a Canadian bank.

And it all goes to you, right, sir?

And it all goes to me. After taxes.

Including a few lovely IOUs from Ward Fowler.

Is that so, sir?
That's surprising, isn't it?

Considering all the money he makes.

I never question good fortune,
Lieutenant.

All I know is that
getting along with Ward Fowler...

is gonna be a lot easier from now on.

What about a drink?

That's amazing
how she kept it from you.

Well she did.
I just found out about it.

Yes, sir, I know.
Your accountant told me.

Oh. Well, good.
Then that's it, huh?

Yes, sir, that's it.

Oh, there's one more thing, sir.

Mr. Hart is in Rome.

He's gonna be back in
his hotel room in a little while.

Before I talk to him,

were you really playing chess
the other night?

Lieutenant, let's get it
straight right now.

I was not with Leo Hart
the other night.

But I wasn't busy
killing my wife, either.

Yes, Mr. Daley?

Molly, would you come in
for a minute? I need your help.

Molly, would you please
tell Lieutenant Columbo...

where I was on Thursday evening,
the night my wife was killed?

The truth.

Mr. Daley was with me, Lieutenant.

We left the office together
and we were together...

in my apartment
until the next morning.

It's the truth.

Yes, ma'am. I believe it is.

Good afternoon, Lieutenant Lucerne.

I suppose you came here
for a confession.

Well, you're not
going to get it, sir.

Because... Ah...

you... you don't have the facts, sir.

Wait a minute. You're gonna love it.
Let's see what we got here.

All right.

I don't know why you started laughing.

Here.

Good afternoon, Lieutenant Lucerne.

I suppose you came here
for a confession.

Well, you're not
going to get it, sir.

I'm just silly, sir, but that machine,
that is really fantastic.

How much, roughly,
would a thing like that cost?

Oh, about $3,000. Not counting
the camera, of course.

Three thousand? Dollars?

Why, I can get a new car
for that. Not that I need one.

Lieutenant,

you have something
to say to me, don't you?

Yes, sir. I'm really sorry
to bother you like this, sir.

But just a couple of questions
before my report on Sid Daley.

It doesn't look like
he could have done it, sir.

He was with a girl
and she confirmed it.

I see.

I tell you what.

Let's you and I discuss
what I have to tell you first.

And then we can both
interrogate Ward Fowler.

You see, as Lieutenant Lucerne,

I have a rather unpleasant
idea taking shape in my mind.

Brandy?

Thank you, sir.

What might that be, sir?

Well, that might be, And I'm speaking
strictly as Lucerne, of course.

Of course.

It just might be,
unlikely as it may seem,

it just might conceivably be...

Ward Fowler is the man we're after.

You mean the murderer?

Exactly.

No.

Yes. I know this comes
as a shock to you.

But let's think about it.

Let's examine the possibilities.

Well, if you say so, sir,

but I don't see where there could be
possibly a motive.

Why would Ward Fowler
wanna kill Clare Daley?

It's Clare Daley
who made him famous.

That's what I
was wondering and then...

I got to thinking about the IOUs.

Oh, did you, sir?

Yes. Oddly enough I did.

I'm speaking as Lucerne, of course.

Yes, of course.

Half a million dollars in IOUs. Wow!

I couldn't help wondering why, with
all the money that Ward Fowler makes,

he could owe Clare Daley that much.

And then it hit me.

What hit you, sir?

Coffee?

Thank you.

Did you happen to see
a show last August...

that had to do with a man who was
being blackmailed by a woman?

Oh, yes, sir,
I did see that show. Yes.

He shot her.

Exactly.

Why would Clare Daley
blackmail Ward Fowler?

And then how?

That's where I'm gonna need
your help, Lieutenant.

Have you, by any chance,
checked with the Toronto police by now?

Yes, yes,
as a matter of fact, I have.

I thought maybe you had.
And they told you...

They told me that
Charles Kipling was an alias.

And that's when you decided to have Ward
Fowler's fingerprints checked with the FBI?

That is absolutely right, sir.
You're amazing.

Yes, it turns out that
Ward Fowler's real name...

is not Charles Kipling.

It's John Snelling and you're a...

He's not a Canadian.
He's an American.

And he went to Canada after
he deserted during the Korean War.

There you are.
There's your motive.

How would it look if
America's favorite detective...

were known to be
a Korean War deserter?

Or hadn't that occurred to you?

Oh, yes, sir, it did occur to me,

but there's something
wrong with your thinking.

If you'll forgive a criticism, sir.
I look at it this way.

If Ward Fowler's career was ruined,

she wouldn't be able to
blackmail him anymore, would she?

He wouldn't have any more money.

And on top of that,
the show would fold.

And it would be her show.
Do you understand my point, sir?

I mean, does an intelligent woman
go and destroy her only means of income?

I don't know. Does she?

It's what that character did
in the show last August.

That's the implicit threat
of every blackmailer,

"Pay me or I'll ruin you."

Can I ask you a question, sir?

Why don't we just ask Ward Fowler
if he was being blackmailed or not?

I asked him.

And?

He claims not. He claims he has
what he calls a weakness.

And this weakness
has cost him a great deal...

and Clare Daley was kind enough
to lend him enough money...

to cover his rather extensive losses.

And do you believe him, sir?

Taking your argument for him
into account, I think so.

I'm not sure. Do you?

Well, it's hard to say,
isn't it? I mean,

taking your argument
against him into account.

I mean, you know, he had an awful lot
to conceal. Did you know that?

For example, the Army unit that
he deserted from was the artillery.

He was an expert marksman.
I checked on that, too.

He never told me that.

You see? You never know, do you?

On the other hand,
Ward Fowler has an alibi.

He was with Mark during
the whole time during the murder.

And that alibi is airtight.

Is it as airtight as Sid Daley's?

Oh, I think it's more, sir.

I mean, a girl
that you're gonna marry...

is much more apt to provide
an alibi than a gofer.

Hmm. What do we conclude
from this interrogation?

Ward Fowler denies having a motive,
he won't admit to having means,

and he can prove that
he didn't have opportunity.

So that leaves us with Sid Daley.

That's a great third act line,
isn't it?

"That leaves us with Sid Daley."

Well, I think this has been
very helpful, sir.

Thank you very much.
I certainly appreciate it.

Oh. One more thing, sir.

We got something else on the gun.
Did I mention that?

No, you didn't. What, Lieutenant?

A thread sir.

From the parka?

No, sir. We haven't traced the garment
from which the thread came from yet, sir.

Lieutenant, if I were you,
I'd get a search warrant...

for all four people involved.

Yes, sir. That's just exactly
what I've done, sir.

In fact...

Could you open this, sir?
I still don't have the knack.

I would like for us to know,
Lieutenant, the meaning of this.

Sid, please.

He asked me where you were, Lieutenant.
I hope it's okay that I told him.

May I ask what this was all about?

Oh, there's the sweater.
Does it match up with the thread?

I think so.

We gotta take it down
to the lab, though, Lieutenant.

It's the only piece of clothing
that even came close.

I don't know what you're
talking about, Lieutenant,

but I do know that suspicion is being
deliberately cast on me...

and I can guess by whom.

Well, sir, I won't deny
that Lieutenant Lucerne...

Will you stop calling him
Lieutenant Lucerne?

He's a television detective.

You can't conduct an investigation
based on his suspicions.

Well, sir. I did have a reason
beyond his suspicions.

You see, the gun
that killed your wife, sir,

had a little piece of thread
that got caught on the trigger.

I'm afraid, sir, that that thread
came from this sweater.

A thread from my sweater?

Yes, sir. Mohair.
And the lab said navy blue mohair.

And I remembered that was
the color of the sweater...

that you were wearing
the first day that I met you.

The morning
after she was murdered.

But that's incredible.

Yes, sir, I agree with you. But I've
always had a good memory for colors.

Bravo, Lieutenant.
Even I didn't remember that.

Didn't you, sir?
My goodness, that's funny.

You see, because one of the reasons
that I remembered the sweater...

was because you got
hooked on it that day.

Following our discussion, sir.
Supposing Lucerne was right before...

when he got the idea
that Ward Fowler was our man.

Supposing Ward Fowler had
planted that thread on the gun himself.

I don't quite follow you.

Well, sir, supposing you...

I mean, supposing
Lieutenant Lucerne was right,

and Clare Daley was blackmailing you...

like in the TV show.

Lieutenant, I thought
we agreed that I had what you called...

an iron-clad alibi?

Airtight, sir, that's what
we actually say.

Yes, sir, but you know as well as I do
that you could have rigged that alibi.

It was very brave of you, sir,
to show me the videotape machine.

You certainly like to take a chance.

And I always wondered, of course,

how two drinks could have
given Mark such a hangover.

I figured it was phenobarbital.

And then he would be out.

And you'd be able to tape the game,

and go over to Tony's,
and kill Clare, and get home,

and then wake up Mark.

And he would be
disoriented and groggy...

and guilty about drinking.

And when you saw
the ballgame on TV,

and it looked just about
the same as it did when he passed out,

he'd be glad to assume he'd
only been out for a minute or two...

instead of the hour and a half
that had actually passed.

And you changed his watch,
didn't you?

And then you changed it back
to the right time after he was asleep.

That was a mistake, sir.

You shouldn't have set it
to the correct time...

because Mark always keeps
his watch five minutes fast.

I wondered about that.

A thousand dollar watch just
doesn't lose five minutes overnight.

Is that it?

No, sir. There's
also the height of the criminal.

He's about my height.

And your height...

without the platform shoes.

And there's
one other thing, sir.

You're a crack shot.

Endlessly fascinating, Lieutenant.

But as Lieutenant Lucerne would say,

"Where there is no proof,
there is no criminal."

Fascinating, notwithstanding.

But I think, sir,
I have the proof.

Here.

What proof?

Lieutenant, there are
no fingerprints on that gun.

You said so yourself this morning.

This has been a rather silly
demonstration, Lieutenant.

Well, you're absolutely right
again, sir.

The killer cleaned the gun
of all incriminating prints.

But the thing is, he forgot something.

Forgot what?

Well, sir, you know that
this gun was only used as a prop.

So, of course, it was never
filled with anything but blanks.

That is, until you stole it, sir.

And in order to kill Mrs. Daley,

you had to remove the blanks
and insert real bullets.

There were no prints on the gun
because you wiped the gun clean, sir.

But there is a reason
that the lab report took so long.

You remembered to clean the gun.

But you didn't remember
to do the same thing with the bullets.

Damn!

I had to forget something.

That's always how the third act ends.

You see, I've had
no rehearsal as a murderer.

I'm, after all, a detective.

Yes, sir, but...

you did kill Clare Daley,
didn't you, sir?

She was a blackmailer.

And I killed her.

And up to now,
I'm glad I killed her.

And I believe that in this killing...

the murderer has the sympathetic part.

Does that satisfy you?

Yes, sir. That satisfies me.

Lieutenant, you would do me
an enormous favor...

if you stopped calling me sir.