Original subtitles

Hello! Welcome!

Good to see you. Welcome to camp! Drop your phone over there.

Hi, good morning. How are ya? Welcome.

- Hello! - Hi.

- Hey, there. - ♪ Wanna say goodnight to your mama... ♪

No! No running.

Drop your cell phone over there, please.

♪ Let's stay alive forever

♪ Wanna say goodnight to your mama

♪ Let's make a life and do something big

♪ I'll live it up

♪ I'll make my mind. ♪

- My man. - Oh, my God.

Kindly give your cellphone over there, please.

How are you? Hey, how's it been?

Hey, man.

Hey.

This is gonna be our year, boys.

- Yeah. - I can feel it.

- Cellphone, please. - I don't have one.

- Why not? - It inhibits your connection

- with the world. - What's this thing?

- A dildo. - Get outta here!

- Hello, hello. Welcome! - My dad's a lawyer,

and he says that you can't take anything that's my personal property

- or else you can go to jail. - Well, listen.

Judge Hulk says, time to give up the phone.

Everyone has to. Mandatory.

Thank you for being good.

All right.

- Time to turn in the phones. - Dr Weinberg!

You look like a decent person, but looks can be deceiving.

Oh!

What's this?

Security!

They're tampons!

My bad.

- Hi. - Hi. Phone, please.

Yeah, okay.

- Good to see ya. - Counsellor Mike.

- There he is. - Yo, how you doing?

Good. Looking good, man.

Can I check your sleeping bag?

I went phone-less this year

'cause, uh, I wanna be in touch with nature and shit, you know?

That's beautiful. Hey, check his bags, and his pockets.

- Feel me up, TSA. - Hey, Jake, we're in Gesher.

Oh.

Gesher! Yeah!

Boys are back in town, right?

The song. Up top.

See you soon, guys. See you at the cabin.

♪ Oh, oh. ♪

Welcome back to Camp Pearlstein.

It's that time of year again.

Whether you're a returning camper or a first-timer, remember,

you might be on summer vacation,

but you're never on vacation from God. Ooh, I like that.

All right, standing right there is the hottest girl ever,

and you're gonna win her over right now, with this walk.

It's easy. Like, I just look over at her,

like, maybe give her, like, a...

Dude, what are you...? You're hopping.

- Yeah, you look like a hunchback. - You're hopping.

Dude, you're not gonna hop your way to pussy, let me tell you that.

Oh, I call first shower.

Uh, no.

Everybody has to be here if you're gonna call first shower,

and not everybody's here, so... sorry.

That's hilarious, 'cause, like, I just called first shower,

- so I'm taking first shower. - No, no. Howard's right.

- Those are the rules. - Oh, those are rules?

I don't look like a guy who follows rules, do I?

Well, this is the...

"Do I look like a guy who follows rules?" All right, guys, let's chill out.

Everyone's gonna get a chance to take a shower.

Hey, I've got an idea. Let's have a super cool

- just chill summer this year. - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah! - Can we do that?

- We're gonna have a good time this year. - Oh, yeah!

- Yeah, man. - Whoo!

See you guys at the dining hall at 6:00.

- Can you be there? - Yeah.

Otherwise, consequences, all right, guys? Can you do that?

- Sure, yeah. - Harry Potter?

Wonderful.

- Creeps me out. - Dude.

That guy is gonna get locked up.

Hey, check this out. Burn pad from last year.

Oh!

Oh, is that me? Did you draw me?

- No, no. - No, no, no. It's, uh...

Wait, why would you draw me in your burn book?

It's not... No, it's not you. It's another guy.

Hello, fellow Israelites!

- Jake! There's my guy. - Oh, hey.

Hey... Oh!

Yeah...

Oh, oh.

- Wow, wow, wow. - Howard?

- Hey, bud! - Hey, man. Hugs all 'round.

Oh, there we go.

You got... You got buff. What, have you been...

jerkin' it with two hands?

Yeah, dude. Like, minimum four times a week.

- Wow. - Minimum.

- Whoa. What the fuck is this?! - What?

Dude, no more of your Jew shit, okay? This year we're getting laid.

Are you Jewish?

- Yeah, are you Jewish? - I literally just said that, Sarah.

- Well, yeah, but I was, like, just... - Okay.

- In case she didn't hear you.. - She did, she did. Stop.

Just, shh.

Do I look Jewish?

Well, that's a trick question.

I mean, if I say yes, you'll roll your eyes,

- and if I say no, I'll appear racist. - She'll appear racist.

And nobody wants that for Ilana. She's not racist.

Hello?

- But, really, um, why are you here? - Yeah, why are you here?

My dad's girlfriend is Jewish,

and he took her to Europe for the summer instead of me,

so, I'm stuck here.

Because she's the devil.

Maya, hon. I mean, I don't know about you, but...

Jewish women are taught to support each other.

So, you shouldn't talk about her like that.

- We're taught to support each other. - Guys, guys, guys.

I'm getting, like, a really, like, passive aggressive vibe

from this, like, side of the room,

and I just wanna have a really peaceful summer,

and your, like, negative energy is, like... like this big cloud.

It's, like, permeating this building.

Oh!

Hey, Angela! Look who's here.

There goes our shot at winning best bunk.

- There it goes. Out the window. - Oh, well.

Oh, hey.

Could I borrow that, um, Bible of Aliens book

that you always, you know, sleep with?

Yeah, sure. Just let me borrow the number of your plastic surgeon.

- I'll be happy to let you borrow my book. - Oh, wow! That was so...

Are you... Do you... Do you want a tampon?

Are you on your period? 'Cause you're being kind of a bitch.

- Go back to Area 51 where you belong. - It's okay, it's okay, Sarah.

- Oh, my God, she's being so rude to you. - She's okay.

Hey, are these girls always like this?

All right, listen up, you little Chode McMuffins.

It's gonna be our year. We are gonna get so much action.

Okay, this is what you say every single year,

and secondly,

I saw Angie at check-in and she looked pretty cute.

Yeah, but what I'm talking about are, like, girls who aren't completely,

- you know, ugly. - Yeah, like, Angela? Are you serious?

Um, I noticed her nail polish. It was really striking.

Ivan, just... just shut up, man.

What's wrong with... I mean, have you guys even talked to her?

Oh, she has a nice personality. That's amazing!

Dude, but what I'm talking about is, like...

- She's, like, a six or a seven, if that. - Or, like, a five.

And we're sticking to, like, nines or tens this year, man.

- Get your game together. - Fir... Okay, nine or ten.

There are no nines or tens at Jewish summer camp.

And why are you talking about girls

when you've never even had an encounter with a woman

besides your mom?

Oh! Have you seen Maya Johnson?

- Maya Johnson, Maya Johnson? - Is that the new Black girl?

Yeah. Her dad played for the '96 Knicks.

Wait, if her dad played for the '96 Knicks, why is she here?

Who cares why? Point is, she is.

And I'm gonna get with her, so if I see any of you guys looking at her,

touching her, doing anything, I will literally destroy you.

The first night of camp can only mean one thing.

- What's that, Rabbi Randy? - Ghost stories!

So, bring your imaginations.

And your sweaters. We don't want anyone to get a cold.

No, we don't want any... And it can be a little bit draughty out there.

It can be a bit nippy.

And bask in the quiet of a technology-free summer.

Forget your phones, this is the time to...

♪ Let's go shooting for the moon tonight

♪ I'll get you there and over... ♪

Jake! What are you looking at?

♪ ..for the moon tonight

♪ I'll get you out. ♪

Hey. Uh, I'm Jake.

Hey.

I just wanna, like, introduce myself. W-What's your name?

The summer of 19...

Your fly is open.

Oh... Oh.

Hey, Ilana, hey.

Excuse me?

Hey. Angela, right?

Yeah.

"Angela the Alien."

You got... You matured... You grew...

Like, you... you changed a lot since last year.

Mm. Yeah, my... my boobs did grow.

One of the many benefits of Jewish heritage.

Right.

Sorry, I'm just trying to, like, introduce myself.

I know it's hard, like, when you're new at a camp and you wanna, like...

you know, you don't have friends, you maybe want a companion or something.

Not, like, a companion. I mean more of, like, a...

So, your dad's, like, a basketball player, huh?

My dad's, like, a big-time dentist.

You know, you were...

..a real ass to me last summer.

I was?

I didn't mean to be. I'm sorry.

Sorry, I'm just trying to, like, you know, put myself out there,

you know, show you that I'm... I'm here for you.

Well, not here for you. You know, like, I'm trying to make you comfortable.

- Mm-hm. - Not too comfortable, right?

Like, the sweet spot of comfortability that...

- Ah! - Jacob Philip Weinberg.

- Hi. - Hi.

I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

My name is Ez, and I happen to have invented the flashlight.

Uh, hey, Maya, um,

the inventor of the flashlight was actually a guy called David Misell, so...

Hey, Maya, check it. You can see shit in the dark.

Same tapping.

Same shrill, disgusting noises of pain and death.

And when the rabbis woke up, they found the boot marks

leading to a little clearing in the forest.

What they found were the remains of a small Jewish boy,

in an old, tattered Nazi uniform.

Of course, the rabbis just thought it was a sick joke

that the local people were playing.

But then, the next night, they went back to sleep.

Again, the same noise. And you know what that was?

Do you know?

It was the ghost...

of Camp Pearlstein.

The Nazi ghost.

So, if you guys... if you guys hear any German...

..that's probably Helga who helps us out in the kitchen,

- but it could also be the ghost of... - Okay. Okay, great.

That was, uh, wonderfully disturbing. Uh, who would like to go next?

- I'll go. - Okay, great.

Campers.

You beautiful, innocent, young, hopefully virgin campers.

You all think...

..that aliens, they're slimy, scary, obvious.

Well, guess what?

They can take on the form of anything or anyone that they want.

They take on the form of a human body.

I should have brought my sweater.

- Okay. - And to cure this...

this insatiable hunger for human flesh...

..they chew their nails...

and their hair.

Gimme a cell. I wanna call my dad.

I don't have a phone. There's one in Hulk's cabin.

We could go there, you could call your dad.

- Yeah, you go first. - All right.

..and to take on the form of a human body

is a very disturbing process that I will not cover right now.

I think you'll need, like, a third person.

..tomorrow, right?

It's not good news for you, is it?

Mm-mm.

This is Hulk's place.

- Are you sure he's not here? - Yeah, yeah.

Hey, right there.

That white mini-fridge?

First make-out sesh.

Thanks for telling me.

Maya. Arr, Peter Pan!

Dork.

- Shut up. Stop it, seriously. - I'm gonna grab it.

No.

- Stop. - Let me pick it up.

No, stop.

Shut up.

What are you two doing here?

Since you're here, make yourselves at home.

I'll get you some refreshments.

Nazi!

It was real. I swear.

Ivan, there is no such thing as the camp Nazi.

You scared the hell out of everyone.

- Just go to bed. - Dude, they're just trying to scare you.

Hey, Ez.

- Dude, what are you doing? - I'm gonna raid Habonim.

What? The girls' bunk?

Wait, wait... What if Hulk catches us?

- "What if Hulk catches us?" - It's the first night of camp.

- Stop being a little bitch, man. - I think it sounds fun.

Yeah, right? Hey, come on. Let's go. Come on.

- Get up. - We might get busted, man.

And you, let's see what you're packing down there.

Oh, shit. Come on. I'll sign you out.

Even you, you little dick-licker. Dude, you can either stay here with us

or cry, use your tears as lube, and jerk at Justin Bieber's Never Say Never album.

- That's not even his best album. Jesus. - Wow.

- Ez, it's not cool. - Fuck, you guys.

You think Ivan really saw a Nazi?

Guys, I really don't think we should be out here.

- Yeah, like, what if we get caught? - Would you guys just shut the fuck up?

You think this is the first time I've ever raided a girl's bunk?

Speaking of first times, have you ever had a girlfriend?

- Who, me? Yeah. - What's her name?

- My name or her...? - Her name.

Susan?

Susan. Is she from Imagination Land, USA?

No, she's from... Portland.

- Shh. - Portland.

Like, I honestly feel like she doesn't understand me.

Like, she told me I couldn't have my allowance twice a week

because apparently I need to be more of a normal child or whatever.

That's ridiculous. Seriously, you don't need to be a normal child.

You're abnormal, it's fine.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

- What are you doing?! - Oh, shit!

Yo, Maya. Come here, babe.

- What are you guys doing here? - I don't know. Boys.

- You scared us. - Oh, my God, I, like, scare you?

Well, at least something interesting happened.

- Oh, we can be interesting. - Hm.

- Hm? - Good.

- A sip? - She doesn't want any either.

- Right, Sarah? - Right, Ilana.

Danny DeVito's no longer thirsty, guys. How will you finish this shit?

- Danny DeVito? - Chug that.

- Immature. - There's a lot in it.

Dude, just go for it.

- Yeah? - Whoa.

- Oh! Oh! - Dude!

Come here, bro.

Nice. Gimme that. What do we do with an empty bottle?

- You leave. - We spin that shit!

Everyone, middle of the floor right now. Let's go.

- No, I don't want to. - Oh, hey, except for you, uh, Pluto Tits.

Why don't you just go stick over there on your planet?

Everyone in the middle of the room. Here we go.

Hey, hey, Ez. Hey, Ez. Ez.

Are we gonna do, like, full-on or, like, on the cheek?

- Jesus Christ, man. - Okay, well, let's sit down.

You should not have asked that.

All right, so, my bottle, my spin.

That good with everyone? Like I care.

- Here we go. - ♪ It's true

♪ My heart starts racing... ♪

Oh.

♪ I'm hot for you, you know it's true... ♪

Oh, do I have to? Do I have to? Yes.

♪ When I think of you

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh

- That was a nice kiss, guys. - Okay, dude. Awesome.

- Next spin. Come on. - Whatever.

♪ The room gets steamy... ♪

- Oh! - Oh!

- Re-spin. - No. Rules are rules.

- Explore this. Come on. - I don't wanna explore it.

The floor is yours, ladies. Make love.

Maybe we'll find something out about ourselves that we didn't know.

Oh!

♪ I can't take it when it feels so good

♪ Make it make sense, make it make sense... ♪

- Oh! - Oh, uh...

- No. - No!

- Re-spin. - No, no, no. This is good for you.

Come on, Ivan. Let's get your dick wet.

Whoo!

Go for it.

♪ It's not understood. ♪

- Guy, guys, it's mine. - No!

No, it's not.

No, no.

No, it's not!

- Come on. - No, it's not.

- Guys, guys, come on. No, I... - It's definitely Ivan's.

- No, it's... Oh, shit! - Oh, come on, guys. Come on.

Come on. Don't leave a fella hanging.

Do it!

- It's your turn. - This is pretty wild, eh?

Well, I don't know. Read the instructions. I don't know.

Sneaking out and everything.

Shut up.

Pale Blue Dot. That's, uh...

Sounds like a cool book.

What's it about?

It's by Carl Sagan. He refers to what Earth looks like from space.

That's, uh...

Yeah, that's super-cool. I like extraterrestrial and space a lot.

Do you believe in, like, aliens and stuff?

You know, a lot of smart people believe in aliens.

Not... I'm not calling you dumb or anything, you know.

Stop. Hey, hey.

What I'm saying is I'm into science fiction, too.

It's... It's cool, like...

You know, extraterrestrials are not science fiction.

Yeah, I get that confused a lot. Um...

I meant non-fiction.

Um, my brother got me a, uh... a Philip Dick...

You can borrow this. It's... It's pretty great.

Um, just make sure you return it, 'cause it's a first edition.

It's about aliens and stuff, right? Ros... Roswell?

- Hm. - Hey, Howard.

Why don't you come back to planet Earth, hang with the normal people?

Why do you hang out with that asshole every summer?

He's not... Yeah, he's an asshole.

I've known him for so long, and...

- he's not that bad. - Not that bad compared to what? Ebola?

Oh! No, no, no, no, no.

Shut it down! Gesher boys, get your stuff!

- Sorry, sorry. - Go, go, go, go, go!

Let's go, let's go!

- Bye! - Counsellor Jane, look at you, baby.

Sorry, we're working.

That's adorable, and really on-trend right now.

Laters!

All right, ladies, if I can still call you that,

I think we need to have a little chat.

I am ashamed.

Shocked.

Shock, shame.

I'm the S-words.

In my defence, I was highly against it.

What went down tonight,

not cool.

What was not cool about it?

We left our bunks after curfew.

Um, we raided the girls' cabin.

- God-damn it, Max! - Uh, my name's Ivan.

Whatever!

It's not cool because you got caught.

What's not fun is being pregnant at camp.

That is not fun.

We can go ahead and call up Carly Steinberg,

summer of '99, and ask her ourselves.

She used to be the most popular girl at camp,

and now she works at Hot Dog on a Stick,

dipping wieners into batter!

Yeah. Yeah, boys...

this is summer camp.

Get in trouble, take risks.

Live it up.

This is your time.

Unless you get caught like a bunch of dipshits.

- And you know what she drives? - What?

She drives a '99 Honda Civic.

That's embarrassing.

When I went to Camp Pearlstein...

I did some ratchet shit.

Lost my virginity in a canoe.

Got high on the roof of the cafeteria.

Hell, I even took some secret Polaroids of the girls changing.

This... This is before internet porn,

so, you had to be creative.

Gentlemen... be creative.

Take risks.

And don't get caught, you ding-dongs.

Okay, yeah. But what are Polaroids?

It's a photo, Honey Boo Boo.

You know what? Cheese it, boys.

It's going time.

Hulk is such a man-child.

Dude, Hulk is the king of camp. Ooh!

Look!

- I got Legal Skin. - Whoo!

- The fuck is Legal Skin? - Asian juggaroos!

- Here! - Whoo!

Guys, if we could just settle down for a brief second.

- It seems very loud in here. - Everybody, calm down.

It seems... We can't shout above the crazy din

- that's going... - Sheket.

- Sheket Bevakashah. - Hey.

We shouldn't be the ones hey-ing.

- It should be coming from you. - It's a give-and-take right now.

- It's like a Joe Lieberman rally. - It's like a Joe Lieberman rally.

- Everybody, calm down right now. - I think we'll just...

Okay, as your head and assistant...

- Co-rabbi. - It's more of a co-Rabbi situation.

Co-rabbis.

We would like to start off today with a story.

- Yes. It's more of a fable. - It's still a story.

Everyone's gonna learn a lesson by the end of it.

- It's about a farmer. - A farmer in rural Poland.

- Yes. - Small town in Poland.

- Yes. - And, mind you, this is not a rich man.

Nor was he a poor man.

Well, the incidents of his financial situation

- were not made public. - It wasn't an incident.

We're not saying there was an incident involving his finances.

We shouldn't be looking into other people's financial situations.

This man was approached by a beggar one day, asking for money.

Which is what a beggar does.

- If he's doing it right... - He's doing his thing.

- ..he's gonna be asking for money. - And he said no.

He said, "I will not give you my money."

This man went away. And the man who refused to give the beggar money,

he became poor for seven years.

- Seven long years of poverty. - Seven years.

And he understood that he should have given money the first time around.

Because he came back, and who did he see?

- The original beggar. - The man he refused.

And this man is now dressed in a long...

- Technicolour duster. - It was more of a kaftan than a duster.

It was a beautiful coat signifying his new-found wealth.

He was wealthy now.

So, the man asked the original beggar, "Can I have some money?"

Know what the beggar said?

- "Take it." - "Take my money.

- "Take my wife for an evening." - "Take my wife."

And they made beautiful love through a hole in a sheet

on Shabbos, which was a double mitzvah.

- Two mitzvahs in one. - Now, do we know

- if this beggar was an angel? - We don't know.

- We don't know who this beggar was. - Was he sent down here to test us?

Or was he an angel that was sent...

- Tzedakah. - Tzedakah.

It's not such a bad thing.

Jacob, isn't that right? Isn't that what we're talking about here?

Jacob, is that what we're talking about here?

Maya, not here, come on.

Maya.

My, uh... My, uh...

My yarmulke, it was... it was askew.

- I'm glad you're listening. - There's somebody who's listening.

- Somebody who calmed down for a second. - Everybody should be listening

- to your heart. - Listen to your souls.

Listen to the little man or woman inside of you.

Some of you... And I'm just gesturing in this general vicinity...

Did you find anything?

Not yet.

Close your eyes.

- What? - Close your eyes.

Now we have... our hats,

so the aliens can't hurt us.

Right, 'cause tin hats will protect us from extraterrestrials.

I made it in Arts and Crafts.

Well, I'm not afraid of 'em.

They're the normal ones, really. It's humans that scare me.

Most of 'em, anyways.

I need an adjective.

"Slutty."

- Slutty? - Slutty.

"Slutty," I like that. I like slutty. Slutty's good. Plural noun.

- "Vagina." - No, dude, it has to be a plural noun.

Uh, vaginas.

It's so nice hearing that word come out of your mouth, Ivan.

I'm very impressed. Very nice. Vagina's good.

- Noun? - Uh, "shit"?

- Another adjective? - "Fucking."

- That's, like, an adverb, though, right? - Mm-mm, no.

- That would be "fuckingly." - Mm.

Fuck Chris Hemsworth. Um, marry Chris Pratt

and kill Chris Evans?

Well, I'm sorry, it was a...

it was a hard decision, but somebody had to make the call.

Oh, okay.

Um, what about Ez, Howard, and Jake?

Can I just say that I would marry Ivan? I know that he wasn't in that one.

- I know he's gay, but he's, so sweet. - No, I would totally fuck Ivan.

I feel like he'd love me unconditionally,

even if it was in a friend-zone sort of way.

- Okay, that's too far. - I wouldn't mind at all.

You can't keep using "fucking." Use your imaginations, guys, come on.

- "Pounding." - Ooh, "erect."

This game is fun.

Can you guys just answer the actual question?

- Okay. - Wait, who was it?

It was Ez, Howard, and Jake.

I would marry Jake and fuck Howard.

I'd do the opposite. I'd marry Howard.

No, I don't know. Jake, you know. Hm.

- Plural noun. - "Haemorrhoids."

- What is that? - It's, like, a disease kinda...

..I don't know, like, in your asshole?

My dad had it.

Did it smell weird?

Like, my dad's room always smells like fish-sticks and baby-wipes.

I really hope we don't have fish-sticks for lunch tomorrow.

- "Foreskin." - Plural noun.

Dude, there's, like, so many nouns.

Okay, so, I think my wedding

is gonna be at, like, the end of September, in Napa.

Aw, that's so nice.

I love Napa. It'd be, like, so flawless and nice.

Yeah, I know.

♪ Wake up, flawless, post up, flawless. ♪

You all know that?

I mean, like, I don't really, like, believe in the concept of marriage,

but if I were to get married, I'd want it to be in, like, a submarine.

Well, as Rabbi Randy says, if you will it, it is no dream.

Um, Elana, that's a quote from Theodor Herzl.

Rabbi Randy literally just said it yesterday. Were you not there?

I'm gonna go sneak some food from the canteen

before you guys start putting your hair up in bobby pins.

That's not all we do, Maya.

You coming?

"When my best friend and I got to the carnival,

"we go on as many slutty rides as we can before we run out of vaginas.

"We drive the bumper whores around

"like crazy haemorrhoids sucking into each other,

"screaming at the top of our fuckingly sweaty...

"..titties."

Guys, hands in the middle. Hands in the middle.

- On three for the boys. - Yeah.

Howard, get in here. One, two, three.

For the boys!

I actually like being out here.

Away from all the perfect people back at home.

Especially my sister.

She's so annoying.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I feel that.

You know...

It's just... It's hard to figure out who you are

when you're always in someone else's shadow.

Challah? It's the bread of my people. Eat, child.

It looks good.

Nice.

It's just that...

that's exactly my point.

Being in someone else's shadow.

It's like when I come out here...

..I look up and I see the millions of stars and the millions of planets.

All sequestered in...

constantly expanding nebulae.

And I just...

..think about how big the universe is.

And just the possibility of life somewhere else...

..just makes my problems seem small.

You're pretty cool.

"I'm Ilana. I have to work off all the carbs by power walking."

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Like you're on the runway or something.

Bravo. After you, darling.

All right, ladies.

Five more seconds of tread. Come on now.

All right, Howard is making weird sex noises. Ten more seconds.

And time.

Free swim, baby. Let's do it!

Yo, dude, where's Jake?

I don't know. I'm not his mom. He can do whatever he wants.

It's free time.

- You all right, man? - I'm fine.

What, are you just pissed 'cause... 'cause I've been giving Angela shit?

I...

Look, for the last time, I don't care what you think of Angela.

I think she's cool, okay?

And frankly, it really doesn't matter what you think.

Well, dude, you know I'm looking out for you, right?

Like, that's the only reason I'm being hard on you.

Just leave her alone.

Gang, we found some faecal matter in the pool last week,

and I'm afraid it tested for human.

My bad.

Wasn't quite sure how the filtration system worked here.

Guys, easy with those noodle sticks.

Yo, Jake, I call first shower!

Jake?

Everyone seems to think that their best concert

was Big Cypress, New Year's Eve, 1999,

but my personal favourite is Saturday, June 11th, 1994, at Red Rocks.

That version of Stash is perfect.

Wow, that's amazing.

Ever since I started smoking weed, I've just really gotten into Phish.

Oh, that's funny.

Ever since I started sniffing glue, I've been really into Fall Out Boy.

- Wait, really? - No, Lily, that's a joke.

Oh.

God, I have never been so bored in my life.

Well, that's about to change.

Time for you to experience wonder.

- Come on, M. - Where did you get that?

That girl Sarah gave it to me.

Here. A little bit goes a long way, just to let you know,

'cause, like, one time I ate a whole pot brownie,

I spent the day playing with my dog,

but then I realised my dog got hit by a car when I was, like, eight, so...

- Oh. - Just take a little.

Takes a second to kick in.

I saw a real Nazi.

Ivan, Ivan, Ivan, Ivan, Ivan, Ivan.

You're a good kid, Ivan.

- We are a persecuted people. - Throughout history.

And that persecution leads to vigilance. This is just your vigilance...

And your creativity.

..forming a bond together for your eventual benefit.

Yeah, but...

I'm not creative.

I got a B in art.

- He got a B! - He got a B.

- He got a B in art. - And he's acting like it's a bad thing.

Hang that B right on the old refrigerator.

- Refrigerator. Put it up. - Did Picasso ever get above a B?

- Straight Cs. - Never did.

Straight Cs.

- And I love that you have the scepticism. - Keep the scepticism.

Be sceptical of everything.

Be sceptical of what we're saying right now.

What I just said, question it.

- Don't believe us. - But I will tell you this.

The Nazis are coming back.

They're coming... Maybe not in our lifetime, maybe not in your lifetime.

- Probably in your lifetime. - Probably in your lifetime.

And we need to be ready to flee at a moment's notice.

Mark our words.

We will continue talking in this way until you understand.

Hey, dude, do you ever think about, like, how 'cause, like,

- plants are living things and shit... - Uh-huh?

..like, if you bit into a piece of fruit, like, does it feel it?

Like, what if it screamed?

Dude, what if it fucking screamed?

Like, when you bit into, like, a fucking orange or something,

it was like, "Argh!"

Like, they're here and they're, like, judging you.

- Like, "You shouldn't be doing that." - Hi, there. Hey, you guys okay?

Where'd you come from?

- Over there. - Were you watching us?

- You were spying on us. - No. No, I wasn't, guys. Come on.

No, I'm just trying to help you get back. Let's go.

No.

- There you go. - No, you weren't.

- Easy does it. - Where are we going?

- I was. Don't worry. Come on. - Wait. Jack, Jack, do you want a brownie?

- No, that's okay. - Ever since last year's brownie disaster,

- I feel a deep sense of trauma. - No. No, I don't wanna go.

- I wanna stay here. I wanna stay here. - Come on.

- Uh, Maya... - No.

Leave me alone, Jack.

Come on. Mitch is playing the talent show.

- Lily. - Really?

All right. World Gaga Championship, let's go.

Ga... ga..ga... ga... ga.

You're out. You're out.

Dude, you're out, you're out.

- No Gaga for you? - Uh, no, no, no, no, no.

- What's this? - You don't have to... That's...

Wait, just tell me. What is it?

- Stop. - I'm not letting go.

I don't... It's...

Uh, okay.

Um, well, if you let go, I can... I can tell you...

what it is.

Anyway, um...

No, me and Jake started it, like, I don't know, five summers ago.

And it started out, like, just making fun of people,

and then he started to add, like, storylines.

And originally in the burn book,

we would draw, like, dicks and stuff like that.

We still draw dicks, there's some dicks.

Um...

..but it's pretty...

Yeah, it's pretty stupid.

I don't know. I think it's...

it's pretty cool.

You...

Oh, wow.

You can...

You can keep it.

I will.

Where are you taking us?

- We're lost. - No, we're not. I... Oh.

I'm taking you guys back to your cabin.

I wanna get out of this place.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

Trust me, you're stuck here.

Hey, we can at least focus on the good stuff, right?

What good stuff?

Oh, come on. There's gotta be something you like.

All right, well, look. Tell me your five favourite things about camp, okay?

- Mm. - Gimme a top five.

Come on. There's gotta... You gotta be able to give me something. Come on.

I like...

- playing soccer with Howard. - Okay, sure.

- Yeah. - Yeah, absolutely.

I don't love playing soccer, 'cause it involves a lot of running

and being athletic and stuff like that. What else? Come on, gimme something else.

Uh... Oh, I like eating in the canteen with Angela.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, definitely. The food is kind of hit-and-miss.

- Yeah. - That lasagne is sketch, questionable.

Wait for me!

Yeah. A kid almost died on lasagne last year.

- It's true. - This is for you.

- Okay. Something else. - Ooh, okay.

Um, uh...

Oh, I like those Shabbat dinners.

Shabbat... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. All right. Um, one more.

- Um... - Okay. Whoa, whoa. Easy, easy.

Hmm.

One more.

What's that bread? That... That "challa"...

- Oh, Challah. Challah, yeah. - Challah. Challah bread.

- Okay. - That's good.

- Yeah. - I like that a lot. Yeah, it's...

Four to five of those things were food-related.

Anything, like, non-food-related you love about camp?

Hmm. Fudgesicles. Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Sort of food.

- Kind of... It's, like, ice... - I think I'm gonna go take a shower.

Uh...

okay.

- So, I... - I think I'm gonna go, too.

- Okay. - Mm-hm. But...

Oh, I...

You're so cute.

I'll wait here.

Fuck.

Oh, shit.

Jake, you dirty little savage.

Oh, hey. Uh...

I'm going to back out slowly

and you are going to put that away.

And then we're gonna call the rabbis. Mazel tov.

- Hey. - Hey, you wanna see something cool?

Sure.

What is it?

Check it out.

Hm?

Hm? Zoom in. Zoom in. Zoom in to that.

Wait, wait. No, not that one.

Zoom in to that one. There we go. Right there. Zoom in. Right.

Wow, huh?

Hold...

- Dude. - There are more, there are more.

Ezra, what the fuck?

- How did you get... What? - You're welcome.

- Oh, Jacob, it is hot in here right now. - Jacob.

- Jacob, it is very hot in here. - Jacob and the coat of many colours.

- That was Joseph. - Doesn't matter.

Jacob, what we wanna tell you,

I don't even know how to start this, but I will say this.

Men have been given enormous privileges, mentally and physically.

Mentally and physically.

You understand what I'm saying?

He's talking about the penis!

- There is nothing more powerful... - Got it.

- ..than the male Jewish penis. - Okay.

It is one of the most powerful things in this world.

It is like a tiny Aron Kodesh.

- So holy. So powerful. - Okay.

It's like a dioxin spill.

- It's radioactive. - It can ruin the groundwater.

It just spills, and it can ruin everything.

- And I get where you're coming from. - He understands.

I was young once. My mother walked in on me watching The Brady Bunch.

He had a little thing for Alice.

I had a thing for Alice. She was an authoritative figure.

- She didn't belong to the family. - She was not part of the family.

Maybe she had the power to spank those children, I don't know.

Maybe she did spank Jan on and off the set, I don't know.

But I felt it in my loins, and then imagine my surprise

when I found out later, Ann B Davis, the woman who played her,

she was a lesbian. I was even more confused.

It just created a lot of confusion. The point is, we all have these urges.

- Sure. - You're gonna have the urges publicly.

We say, when the urges come on, think about...

- your mother. - Think about this temple.

- Think about us. - Think about kugel.

- Think about Israel. - Think about planting a eucalyptus tree

- in the Golan Heights. - Think of the 1948 borders.

And then think of Menachem Begin shaking...

- Nancy Reagan's hand. - At Camp David, over a piece of corn.

I swear to you, those urges, those public urges, will dissipate.

- Now, get outta here. - Get outta here, you.

- Yes! Go. - Go ahead. Yes, get outta here.

We'll stay in here and shvitz. Don't worry about us.

- Just keep the Torah in the ark. - If you know what he means.

Good morning, Camp Pearlstein.

Today, a pitgam, a daily proverb.

"Who is strong? One who overpowers his inclinations."

On an unrelated note, Jake Weinberg, your mother called.

She says she misses you.

She's shipping you more of that peach iced tea that you like.

Is it diet?

Guys, gather 'round. We got a forecast for rain today,

so we're not taking any chances.

We're gonna go inside and watch a movie, all right?

It's a movie about a different kind of camp.

About a concentration camp.

Oh, yeah.

Boom!

Dude, tell me, was it like a, uh... a self-pleasuring,

- really romantic kind of stroke? - Okay, like...

Or are we talking more like a self-hatred, "I hate myself" kind of...

Okay, just give it... Just shut up, man.

No, but seriously, dude, what prompted you to just start jerking it

on her bed?

That's my question. I mean, is it, like, a, you know...

- Just shut up, man. Seriously. - I'm just curious!

All right, let's have a reverent environment.

- Let's get in there. - Whoo!

No movie for you today, Boba Fap. Gotta clean up.

Good luck.

Hey, is this... is this pillow sitting here?

No. Go ahead.

Hey, I'm sorry about that whole Jake thing.

I mean, that's really disgusting,

and, like, you should never have to deal with anything like that.

I mean, me, personally, and this is just me,

but I would ask permission before masturbating in your bed.

But then again, I'm not like other guys.

Yeah.

No, but seriously.

I mean, you know, it's weird, like, everybody here thinks, uh...

I'm sort of a dick.

And, like, I'm really not.

And I want you to know that if you ever want to talk about anything,

like, about what happened or just about anything in general,

like, I'm here for you, and I really want you to know that.

I can never tell if you're being serious.

- Like... - I mean it, I mean it, I promise.

I really do. Anything.

All right. Yeah, thanks.

If I get scared...

will you hold me?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, those are cool. What are those?

- What's that one? - Just rings.

- Does it fit me? - Does it fit you?

- Try it. Let me try it on. - Shh!

Be quiet.

Just ignore her.

- Yeah, it fits you. - It looks good, right?

- Mm-hm. - What about from this angle?

Mm-hm. Even better from this angle.

- It looks good, right? - Yeah.

- Looks better on you, though. - Thanks.

You wanna get outta here?

- Mm-hm. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - I'll go first.

Okay.

Yeah.

Nice jugs, bro.

Hey, when you're done with that,

you gotta check all these bags for Ivan's retainer.

- What is this place? - This is my private honeymoon suite.

- Mm-hm. - Just for you.

Oh, God.

Definitely done this before.

Yeah.

We're doing more?

Mm-hm.

Ez. Come on, move on, let me sit.

Ez!

What the hell?

Maya! Maya, wait up!

You totally missed it! Lily was feeding squirrels outside the cabin

and one got in, and Ilana was totally losing her shit.

Like, she's Purell-ing everything.

Hey!

Hey, what's wrong?

You... You were right about Ez.

He's just like everybody else. He just wants something to... to brag about.

He's not gonna say shit, because, I swear to God,

I'm gonna rip his forked tongue out of his head with my bare hands.

- I swear to God. - No, don't.

Please. If... If you say something, it'll just make it worse.

Just don't let some shithead guy get to you.

'Cause you're seriously...

..you're seriously one of the coolest, most real people I have ever met at camp.

Or, like... ever.

You, too.

- No, no. - Yeah.

Uh, you have Ebola now.

Are you sure I can't rough him up, just a little?

You know, swift snake-bite to the penis?

- Ooh! - Shouldn't you be at, like,

- kickball or something? - Shouldn't you be with Sarah?

Oh, shut up.

I don't think I've ever seen you guys not together.

Well, I don't think I've ever seen you alone.

You're always with your dumb friends. Where are they?

Kickball.

So, I was thinking that...

we should hang out again, like we did last summer.

And why would you think that?

Because I saw the way that you were looking at me the other night.

Oh, yeah.

- Don't make me feel like a freak. - Aren't you with Maya?

Uh, no. It's finished.

So, you were with her?

Yeah, but it... it didn't work out.

So, what do you say, wanna get outta here?

Sure.

Hey. I was reading, and, uh, did you know

when they were doing an autopsy of the aliens,

they found, like, umbilical cords, which means that...

Why do you hang out with Ez?

Come on, can we not?

We already got into this, just... I read the book,

- let's sit down and talk about it. - What's wrong with you?

I don't know what to say. He's a weird guy,

he does weird things to us,

he treats us like shit, he takes pictures of the girls,

he hangs out with... with Hulk, like, I don't know what...

Pictures of what?!

Angie, come on.

Angie, come on!

Yo, Jake. Move.

I peaced out of the movie to get some R-rated footage.

Check it.

Oh, man.

Hm?

- Is that Maya? - Yeah, that's Maya.

- Okay, look, I don't wanna see that. - Whoa, whoa, dude.

- Why are you showing me that? Seriously? - I don't know, I thought...

- Why would I wanna see that? - I thought you'd like that.

Why would I wanna see that? Dude, seriously?

Are you kidding me? Look, I'm taking a shower.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm taking a shower.

- No, I called it, okay? - Oh, you called it?

Get off me, man! Really, dude?

Now, stand there in your filth, asshole!

- I called it. - Yeah?

No, no, no. You're right, you're right.

You, uh... You called it.

Dude, really?

- No, no, no. You called it, buddy. - Come on, dude!

Screw you.

Yeah, you like that, first shower?

- What the hell, man? - First shower.

- Really, Ez?! - Yeah.

Stop, stop. Chill, all right, chill.

Asshole!

Guys, this way, come on.

All right, everybody, gather around.

Angela, why aren't we in our bunks? It's... It's almost curfew.

- 'Cause it's not safe there. - Not safe?

Wait, guys...

are we gonna choreograph the Beyoncé Formation Tour dance?

- 'Cause I am so down. - We should. I learned all the moves.

But like, obviously I'd be Beyoncé, you'd be, like, Michelle or something.

Right.

- All right, this is serious. - Oh, my God, did Phish break up again?

- Trey just isn't as good solo. - No, Lily, no.

All right, there... there's a predator amongst us.

Oh, Angela, how many times do we have to tell you,

- there's no aliens out here. - This is about Ez.

He's taking pictures of... of us.

Wait... what do you mean?

Doing what?

Curfew in five minutes, wrap it up!

I don't know, and we won't know until we get our hands on that phone.

- How do you know this to be factual? - Well, I have a reliable source.

- Is it your boyfriend? - It doesn't matter, all right?

What matters is we get that phone.

Oh, my God. Does he have pictures of us, like, naked?

Yeah, that happened to my cousin one time. There was photos of her online everywhere.

I mean, it basically ruined her life.

She got rejected from Princeton. She got so depressed.

You guys, I cannot be rejected from Princeton!

- Me neither. - Keep it down.

Sarah, you're not smart enough to get into Princeton, okay?

You're probably gonna have to apply to Vassar. Even then, it's a long shot.

Who died and made you my guidance counsellor?

That's why you don't hang out with Ez.

Yeah, and if those videos get out,

you guys better hope that Stanford Admissions

doesn't know how to use Google.

Of course they know how to use Google, Sarah.

Gmail was, like, tested on their campus.

That was the entire premise of the joke, Ilana.

Okay, that... Now is not the time.

We should cover our windows up with something, 'cause...

..he may still be out there.

- Yeah. - Okay.

That's a good idea.

Hey, you know, Vassar is still a really good school.

Thanks, Maya.

Hey.

Did you take pictures of girls with your phone?

Did you take pictures of girls with your cellphone?

What phone?

What the hell, man?

All the counsellors know about it. They're coming here for it. Hand it over.

What... What about, like... What about the Polaroid stuff you told us about?

It was supposed to be fun, right? You told us...

Yeah! You're not supposed to listen to what I'm saying.

- Why not? - Because it's bullshit.

- Gimme the phone! Just do it. - I don't know. Why... Why should I?

Why? 'Cause the counsellors are gonna be here in two minutes,

we're all gonna get kicked outta here.

So, give me the phone now. Believe me.

- What, are you gonna tell on me? - Dude, I got your back.

Dummies.

Was it you, Jake?

- Hm? - No.

- You little snitch. - It wasn't me.

Huh. What about you?

Your freak girlfriend, Angela, huh? She tell on me?

She's not a freak.

Oh, okay. But she is... she is your girlfriend.

Yeah, she's my girlfriend.

That's sad, man. That's pathetic.

No, no, no. I'm disappointed in you.

I don't... I don't care if you're disappointed in me.

You're fucking crazy, dude.

You take pictures of girls while they're changing.

- Don't call her the weirdo. - Man, she's such a loser.

Hey.

Look, I... I'm really sorry about what happened in the bunk the other day.

Okay? That was super messed-up, and I'm really, really sorry.

Just stop.

I'm sorry.

I really am, okay? I know I should never do that.

That's not what I'm talking about. That's not what I'm mad about, okay?

Oh, my gosh. Did they tell you that my dad's not a dentist?

I'm sorry I lied. He's a hygienist, okay?

- I will never lie again. - Could you just stop with the jokes?

Okay, it's not funny.

What are you mad about, then?

Please?

You knew about Ez.

W-What about Ez?

Hey, Maya, what about Ez?

The photos.

Y-You knew about those?

Yeah, and so did you, and you didn't do anything about it.

I know. Look...

Maya, I totally didn't know about those until just a little while ago.

All right? I was not in on it.

Right, but you should've... you should've just said something as soon as you knew.

You should have told me.

Look, I know I should have.

Maya, please, believe me.

Okay, I am not Ez. All right?

- I would never do that to you. - That's what they all say.

All right, you check those two, and I'll get Ez's bunk.

These two?

- Yeah, check those two. Get in there. - All right, cool, man.

All right, that's good.

- Hey, are you banging Counsellor Jane? - Dude, now's not the time.

Don't just stand there. Go check the bunks.

I did. Uh...

I think it's already up in the clouds, man.

What do you think it means?

I don't want to walk on myself, especially if I'm wearing heavy boots.

Who cares, dude?

Maybe it means, like...

..you have to guide yourself.

You...

have to control your own life.

Hey, come on.

Hey, wait up. Jake?!

Uh! Oh, I'm gonna trip.

Campers, let's take a moment and reflect on today's proverb.

"In a place where there are no men, strive to be a man."

And that goes for the women, too.

It's a confusing time to be alive right now.

And on top of that, it's a confusing time to be a teenager.

Ugh. Don't get me started, Rabbi Randy.

Remember to stand up and be a man,

even if you are a woman.

What are we doing?

Shh.

It's empty.

- Dude, come on. - But we're breaking the rules.

What's up?

I'm sick of this asshole friend of yours.

Holy shit! Can you calm... Stop!

- What is your problem? - Get down here!

- Oh, my God. Can you relax? Please. - He's a piece of shit...

- He made one mistake. - ..and you know it!

A mistake? Are you serious?

He's not that bad. You're blowing this up way out of proportion.

Stop defending him. You both disgust me.

You're such a coward. You're a follower!

- Fuck you! - Stop!

Oh, my God.

Let me see it. Come on, let me see.

Angie... Oh, my God.

Fuck.

Hey, Jake. Seriously, what are we doing here?

Dude, we have to find Ez's phone.

Huh. Maybe Hulk is the Nazi.

Dude, there are no Nazis.

Look, will you come and help me with this?!

- Run! - I'm a terrible runner!

Okay, okay, all right. Yeah, okay, all right, all right.

You're under arrest, Jake. You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you do or say can be held against you

in the court of the Hulkster, understood?

- Understood?! - Understood.

You messed with the wrong guy today, bro-bro.

Wrong guy.

Ah!

Ivan, calm down and come here.

It's me...

Rabbi Randy.

And me, Rabbi Jason Shalowitz.

You're all right, son.

You guys are Nazis?

It's your last year of camp, guys.

We thought we could treat you like adults, but you're acting like a bunch of babies.

Okay, well, Ez is taking photos and Hulk is protecting him.

- No, I'm not, you little dick-muncher. - Get your dirty hands outta here.

Who are you gonna believe, Mike? Me or Lord Fondle-Nuts over here?

Oh, really? Look, he's hiding Ez's phone in his cabin.

You know what? I've had enough.

I am so ashamed of all of you.

I am gonna call your parents, and until then,

you're gonna sit here and think about what you did.

- Mikayla? - My name is Ruth. I'm your boss.

With all due respect,

my parents died in a murder-suicide 15 years ago.

So, try as you may,

they will be unavailable for phone calls.

Did you hear Jake got in trouble for trying to sneak into Hulk's cabin?

In the middle of the day? He's so dumb.

I know. What do you think he was looking for, anyways?

Maybe beer, or porn to jerk off to.

Oh, maybe it was the phone.

That doesn't really sound like Jake, though.

I mean, that's pretty brave.

Yeah, but if they don't find that phone soon,

we're gonna have to all, like, change our names

- and move to France or something. - Don't touch me.

You know, if we don't find that phone, we're ruined.

Like, honestly, you, me, Maya...

Ouch.

You know, Maya, when I first met her,

I didn't really like her, but now I think she's actually pretty cool.

Yeah, she's pretty cool.

You know, us women, we have to support each other.

Yep, we have to support each other.

I just said that.

Oh, my gosh, you did just say that.

Um... wow.

It's fashion, it's comfortable,

it's easy, you don't have to think about it.

The only downside is that when you go pee, you have to take off your entire outfit.

Oh, honey, I still have so much to teach you.

I'm just saying.

They're really... They're mostly on sale...

Come on, Ilana, move over.

Predators aren't welcome.

Seriously?

Ivan, you're not like the other kids.

- They need to be reminded. - We started this to keep kids vigilant.

Not to scare.

Why was I the only one who saw you?

You were the only one who noticed.

We pray for the courage to carry on in the face of disappointment.

♪ You come back and the ghost is gone... ♪

For the wisdom to learn from adversity.

♪ Your memory's as sweet as candy, oh... ♪

And the strength to start over again.

♪ Whatever you did, yeah, whatever you've done

♪ I guess I have to let it go... ♪

To love again.

Im yirtzeh Hashem. Bli ayin hara.

To hope again.

♪ You're the sun in the empty sky... ♪

♪ Your memory's as sweet as candy, oh

♪ I guess I have to let you go

♪ I guess I have to let you go

♪ I'm burning like the summer sun

♪ I burn like the summer sun... ♪

Ivan, there was an old Hasidic rabbi who once said something very, very simple

but very, very profound.

♪ You come back and the ghost is gone... ♪

He said, "The entire world is a narrow bridge."

♪ Your memory's sweet as candy, oh... ♪

But the important thing, Ivan, the important thing...

is never be afraid.

Descriptive subtitles by Matchbox Cinesub