All language subtitles for Cameron Esposito Marriage Material (2016) 1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]-English

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- [audience cheering]
- [rock music plays]

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- [music continues]
- [cheering]

[announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,

Cameron Esposito!

[music, cheering continues]

Chicago, thank you so much
for coming out!

[cheering]

You guys, thank you so much.

[cheering]

My hometown!
I'm so happy to be here!

[cheering]

Please, be seated.

It is so nice to be here
in Chicago.

Like I said,
this is my hometown.

And I'm actually here
in Chicago

for a very specific reason.

[cheering]

I'm here in Chicago
because in two days

- I'm gonna get married.
- [cheering]

Yes!

[cheering]

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Yeah, technically,
you're at my bachelor party.

[cheering]

And it's just the kind of party
I like.

You paid to hear me talk.

So I feel comfortable.

You guys, I can't believe
that I'm at this place

in my life, that I'm
about to get married.

I didn't ever know
that I would end up here.

I never saw this for myself.

I grew up in the suburbs
of Chicago.

I had no idea that I was a woman

who was going to end up
marrying another woman.

I didn't know that was
in the cards for me.

I didn't know what
was going on for me.

There were no out gay people
where I lived.

No out gay people
where I lived.

And also...

if you are a little gay boy,
if you're a little queer boy...

people will come up to you,

and they will say,

"You are a gay boy!"

If you're a little gay girl,
if you're a little queer girl,

people will just be like,
"I guess she likes overalls."

People don't always tell you
what's going on.

I'm not saying it's great
to yell at a child,

I'm just saying I was
in no way clued in

as to what was going on
with me.

In fact,
when I was a little kid,

the only thing I ever heard,
when I was a little kid,

people used to call me fat.

And you guys, I have always
been-- this is my body--

this has always been--
I came out wearing this jacket.

So great style right away.

But I'm not a big person.

And I don't think
that any child

should be body-shamed.

I don't think any child
should be body-shamed.

[applause, cheering]

But I just never realized
why people said that to me.

Until, like, two or three years
ago, I was thinking about it,

I was like, "Oh, I think
that no one in my community

knew the word 'dyke.'"

Like, I think that's
what was happening.

They were all just like...

"What are you? Are you fat?

I think she's fat."

In high school,

I dated the captain
of my high school football team.

That's true.
He had four percent body fat.

He ran a four-four-40.
He ran for 400 yards a game.

This is Chicago. You know what
the fuck I'm talking about.

- He was a star!
- [cheering]

You guys know a lot about
football. You don't-- listen.

You don't win football.
But you know--

you are aware of it
conceptually.

And I went to Catholic school
my whole life.

And I didn't really
even get sex ed.

I didn't learn it there.
I didn't get sex ed at all.

Well, that's not true.

In high school,
one day in religion class,

we watched an abortion.

[audience groans]

Yeah, that was our sex ed.

We watched a videotape
of an abortion.

And then a priest stood
next to it and said,

like, uh, "And that's why you
shouldn't have sex

with your boyfriend."

And then I was like,

"I-- I don't even want to.

So how holy am I, right?"

[cheering, applause]

Yeah, I was saving myself.
It was difficult.

So, like, I had a boyfriend.

But I should have known

that something was going on.

'Cause I had that boyfriend,

but then I also had like a...

like a best friend.

You guys know what I'm talking
about? Like a best friend? Yeah.

You know what I'm
talking about.

You know how you, like,
had a friend

and you guys are, like, such
good friends with that person?

You know how sometimes
you're a person

and then you have, like, a--
a person that you, like,

you have so much friendship
with them?

It's like they're a girl--
you guys are girls,

and you're in high school,
and you have such

a huge amount of friendship
with each other?

That sometimes you put on your
boyfriend's football uniform

and then you convince her

to put on her boyfriend's
football uniform.

And then you tackle each other.

[cheering, applause]

Just for friendship.

Yeah, I had that-- I had that
kind of best friend too. Cool.

We have that in common.

I didn't know what was going on.
I just knew that I wanted--=

Hey, and my boyfriend
was a nice dude.

But I just knew I wanted him
to go home

and that I wanted to have
the same haircut

as Willow
on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Like, that's all I knew.
I just knew those things,

and I didn't know
they meant anything.

But I knew those things.

My best friend, she was
the youngest of ten kids.

And she was
from a very wealthy family.

And when we were friends,
all of her older siblings

had already moved
out of the house.

And there were nine empty
bedrooms in her house

where they used to live.

Plus, two available
guest bedrooms.

And still, every time I slept
over at her house,

I insisted on sleeping
in her bedroom,

in her bed with her.

And I remember one time,
her mom was like about

to shut the door
and say good night to us.

She looked at me
and she was like,

"Uh... Cameron, are you sure...

that you want to stay...
in here?

Because...

there are 11...

available...

empty bedrooms."

And I was like,
"Shut the door!

Shut it!

Shut the door!"

She was like, "Why is this
fat person yelling at me?"

Oh, to add insult to injury,

'cause I didn't know
what was going on,

I was on... the swim team

with my best friend.

The swim team!

The most difficult
of all of the teams

to be on with the best friend
you don't realize

you're in love with.

And I will tell you why.

Women, we are never naked
in a locker room.

There is no nudity
in a women's locker room.

Because we can
change our clothes

without ever being naked.

[cheering]

We could change from a regular
bra into a sports bra

if we were Han Solo
encased in carbonite.

Just like,
"When am I gonna do it?

Well, it's actually
already done.

Oh, and I changed back."

You know the only locker room
that's not true?

Swim team locker room.

Swim team locker room
is so naked!

Swim team locker room
is all naked!

You gotta take
all your clothes off.

All your undies!
You gotta take your undies off!

You gotta take a little, teeny,
Barbie-sized bathing suit.

You gotta try to jam
your little budding

teenage body in it,
pull it up, one inch at a time.

It's so small 'cause it cuts
down on drag.

And you kind of pull it...
you pull it up

as... a little bit at a time,

try and maintain eye contact
with your best friend,

not notice what level of budding
her beasts are at right now.

Try to stay focused
on the English paper

she's talking to you about,
not notice that there's

also 40 other naked women
around you!

Various stages
of pubic hair growth.

Figure out where you compare
and contrast

in that cycle of things.

Try and get yourself amped
so you can get in the pool

where, by the way, I was
a breast stroke specialist.

[cheering]

And that is true. I was one
of the best breast strokers

on the team.

And I feel like when I tell
you guys that detail,

of that relationship,

some of you might wonder,
"Wait a minute, Cameron!

Are you trying to tell me,
like, that this was not great?

'Cause you're telling me that
you were in an all-naked place,

that you were surrounded by
people that you find attractive

and they were all naked?

Sounds like you were sitting
on a gold mine, Esposito!"

You just think that...

because you
are imagining yourself

as an adult in this situation.

You are imagining adult you

with all the skills
and knowledge

that an adult has
in this situation.

You are not remembering
what it is like

to be a teenager when, like,

stuff is bumping out of your
body in different places,

you don't even know what it's
gonna become yet.

You're going to a school dance,
you're, like,

kind of grinding on something,
but you don't even know

what motion is this
that I'm mimicking?

Like, you've never even...

You don't understand
why you're sweating

even though you're naked.

"I'm not wearing clothes!
How am I sweating?"

It's overwhelming,
it's a sensory overload.

It's like gonna crash
the servers for sure.

I think the best way,
the best analogy

that I could really
give you guys...

it's like, uh,

if you were diabetic,

you suddenly came to

in the middle of a pie shop.

You're just looking around,
like...

"Can I eat any of this?"

[cheering]

And no, it turns out,
not at the time. I couldn't.

Senior year.
We're about to graduate.

Now, me and my best friend,
we had these two other girls,

that was like our crew.

The four of us,
that was like our crew.

We were all athletes,
so we didn't drink.

But then this girl,
her parents went out of town.

So we went over
to her parents' house,

and we raided her parents'
liquor cabinet.

And between the four of us,
we split...

a bottle of Apple Pucker.

Yeah, and I do not know
if there is alcohol in there.

But I will tell you,
we were drunk!

And it was senior year, right
before we were gonna graduate.

And we were all feeling
these emotions.

And this girl, she turns
to this girl and she goes,

"Uh, it's senior year.

And we're all
gonna graduate soon.

And I just... I feel like
we should do something...

to cement the friendship.

And get ready for college.

I think you and I
should make out."

And I was like...

"Yes.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

I wanna be ready for college."

So these two girls
start making out.

And I'm standing there
just like, "Oh, man!

I wonder if I'm wearing
the right amount of ChapStick!

I'm about to be next!"

- But that's not what happened.
- [audience moans]

No, see, they got done
making out.

Then this girl turns
to my best friend, she's like,

"We should make out."
They make out for--

My best friend turns
to this girl, she's like,

"We should make out."
They make out for a minute.

Then this girl goes... [yawns]
"I am exhausted.

I think we should
all go to bed."

- [audience moans]
- It was like as if

they knew I was too--
like, I had false started

the race almost.

I was just like,
"Put me in, Coach!

Put me in!"

And I've seen Rudy!
They should have played me!

[applause, cheering]

I was giving my heart and soul
out there!

I don't care if I'm little.

But they all went to bed.

And that whole night,

I lay awake,

and I tried to figure out

exactly how much noise
I needed to make

to wake them up...

and make it seem like
I wasn't what woke them up.

Just like,
"What was that faraway--

What was that,
a faraway gerbil?"

"Huh! Well, as long
as you're awake,

how about that last game
we were playing?

That was, like, a fun game,
seemed relaxing almost.

Maybe, like, a good game to play
to go back to sleep.

I don't know. I'm just--"

They never woke up.

No, I mean, like,
they woke up, like...

Like, they woke up.
I killed them!

No, I mean, they woke-- they
just woke up in the morning.

They didn't wake up that night.
They didn't wake-- can--

I couldn't rouse them!

I spent the whole night
staring at the ceiling.

I didn't sleep a wink.

Like, the only other time
I was at a sleepover,

and I didn't sleep
for even one second,

was the night after I saw the
movie Seven for the first time.

And actually, those two nights
have a lot in common.

The night after I saw the movie
Seven for the first time,

the night after all my
best friends kissed each other,

and then went to bed,
'cause both nights,

as I was laying awake,
I was just wondering

what the fuck was in that box?

[laughter, applause]

So we're getting married
on Saturday.

[cheering]

Yeah, I am stoked!

I am stoked!

'Cause my fiancée is awesome.

She's got so many skills
that I don't have.

I don't-- she can--

You guys, the other day,

she changed the headlight
on my car,

and I didn't even know you could
do that... with your hand.

I didn't know-- how can you--
what?

Something on my car is broken,
I usually just abandon it.

I've lost two, three cars
that way.

We walked into our
friends' house the other day,

she, like, out of the corner
of her eye,

she just eyeballs
their doorknobs,

and she goes, "Oh,
those are on backwards."

What--

But then our friends go, "Oh,
yeah, our doors don't close."

So...

my fiancée went to our house
and she got her toolkit

and she came back
and she fixed the doors.

And I was left with a bunch
of burning questions.

Number one: uh...

what do you mean doorknobs
can be on backwards?

'Cause... what do you--
I thought it was the same--

I thought it was like
a Tegan and Sara situation.

[cheering]

And then, number two,
I guess, like,

the second biggest question
I have is just, uh,

how relaxed are our friends?

They're just like,
"Our doors don't close.

But, like, it hasn't really
come up as, like,

we're not worried about it."

Two years,
that's how long it took...

my fiancée and I
to set a date,

from the day we got engaged,
two years!

That whole time
we were just stalemating,

trying to figure out
which one us would step up,

and be the wife
and plan the damn thing!

And I'm not learning shit
about cupcakes, Chicago!

Turns out neither is she.

So we're throwing all convention
out the window.

We're gonna slip and slide
down the aisle

to the sounds
of the Furious 7 soundtrack.

[cheering, applause]

It's gonna be a great wedding!

Actually, let me be--
this is 100 percent real.

And I haven't said this
onstage before.

This is real.

Two days ago, we went to get
our marriage license,

and... I'm feeling better now.

Thank you guys so much
for asking.

I'm feeling better now,
but I had a touch

of the stomach flu,
and so we went in

to the Cook County... recorder
of vital deeds, I believe

is what that person is called.

And applied
for a marriage license.

And the wave of nausea
that hit me

was perfectly timed

so that the person
at the counter

had all of my information

and was about to give us
our marriage license,

and then I was like,
"I'm so sorry!"

[mumbles] And I had to run...

out of the room
and also shed clothes,

'cause, like,
when you're in that zone,

like, any amount--
it's just too hot!

So I was, like,
tearing my clothes off,

running out of there,
going, like,

covering my mouth.

Which I think
is not what you're...

how you're supposed to look...

at that blissful moment.

[mumbling]

"Oh, this..."

But here's the best thing.

Like, I had stripped down
to, like, basically a t-shirt.

And I was, like, leaned over
a trash can

right outside the Daley Center.

You know I'm not gonna puke
in the Daley Center.

And my fiancée was, like,
comforting me

and holding a marr--
a visible marriage license.

So, like, what had-- like, no--
this is a whole tableau.

And then a dude walks by
and he goes, like,

"Do you know where the
Washington L platform is?"

My fiancée was like,
"I don't know! No!"

But meanwhile, we do.
It just wasn't a great time.

But I want to know what was up
in that guy's, like, how...

Sometimes I wonder what
it's like to be a dude,

'cause I feel like sometimes
if you're a dude,

you didn't--
your noticing skills...

didn't develop all the way.

You put the seeds on the Chia,
but you forgot to water them.

'Cause this guy's
just walking by

a vomiting naked person,

and somebody, like, trying
to get that person

to marry them!

And he's like, "Oh, these
lesbians will know."

Like, you know, it's...

Like, I get that we're
a helpful people,

but there is a limit.

Social work, nursing,
those are our typical jobs.

But not always!

Sometimes you gotta take care
of yourself, dudes.

[applause, cheering]

I just want to know, like,
who he had asked

right before us,

and who he asked
right after us.

'Cause you have
to walk past family court

in order to get to where
I was barfing.

So was he just like,
"Oh, what's this?

A child being taken away
from its parents?

I'll ask the child."
You know, like, it's...

Or then he, like,
walked past us,

"Well, those ladies
were of no help!

I'll ask the Old Navy preacher."
You know?

You guys, the Old Navy preacher,
how's he doing?

- [cheering]
- He stands outside of Old Navy

and he yells about
how I'm going to hell.

But now the Old Navy's a Gap,
so what? You know?

It's like, did he move
with the Old Navy?

Or is he now the Gap preacher?
'Cause I can't adjust to that.

So that's some local stuff
for you guys.

[cheering, applause]

I think one thing
that impresses me so much

about my fiancée,
I can't believe she can do it,

she can put music...

on her phone.

What? What are you saying to me?

Like, you remember--
you remember how to do that?

And then you also remember
to do it?

Like, with what part
of your brain?

Do you remember, like,
"Oh, I should probably put music

on my phone." Like,
what are you talking about?

It does make airplane rides
great with her.

She put a little headphone
splitter in if I ask

and then she'll play a song.

If I ask her to put a song
in there,

maybe she'll remember it,
and then if I get my wish,

then we'll listen to Taylor
Swift's "Wildest Dreams"

- eight times in a row.
- [cheering]

'Cause the seventh time,
you're like,

"Yeah, let's hear it again."
You know what I mean?

That's how I live my life.

I don't-- I don't have anything.
I got nothing on my phone.

I got nothing on my phone.

Actually, that's not true.

I have one thing...

on my phone.

And it is my own
standup comedy album.

[laughter, cheering]

Yeah.

Solid gold decision,
and I'll tell you why.

Not too long ago,
I was getting picked up

at the airport by a stranger,
that person had their car

set to Bluetooth mode,
and I had my phone

set to Bluetooth mode,
and I don't know

if you've ever gotten
into somebody's car

when their car
is set to Bluetooth mode

and your phone is set
to Bluetooth mode.

But the car will automatically
start playing

the first track of the first
album on your phone,

and my album,
the only album,

begins with...
"Ladies and gentlemen...

Cameron Esposito."

[cheering]

So I got into a car...

and then the car introduced me.

[cheering, applause]

And it feels like
we are very close

to the end of time when I have
to hear stupid nonsense

about how awesome this thing is
in my life.

And how happy I am
to be doing it.

I'm so ready to get the other
side of hearing stupid nonsense,

stupid nonsense
like people being like,

"Eh! Eh! Eh! Nope!

No, gay people
can't get married.

If gay people get married,
more people will become gay.

Okay? So gay marriage is going
to make everyone gay.

And so I would please like you
to not do it."

That's stupid nonsense.

Stupid.

Straight marriage has been legal
for the entirety of my life.

And still this is my haircut.

Straight marriage
didn't make me straight.

And that's because sexuality
isn't contagious.

You are thinking
of zombieism.

I'm not gonna bite you!

Unless you ask me to.

And in that case,
you're gonna like it.

You're gonna have a good time.
Yeah.

Only thing you'll be catching
is the fever!

You're gonna do all right.
You're gonna like it.

It'll be cool.

Actually, most queer people were
raised in straight families.

And most queer families actually
end up raising straight kids.

So...

if you wanted to cut down

on the number of gay people
being created...

you would have to actually
outlaw straight marriage.

Which, by the way,
I'm not in favor of.

I'm an ally.

I just bring up that point
because if you hear somebody

be like, "Where are the gays
coming from?"

You could be like, "The call is
coming from inside the house."

[cheering, applause]

Straight people
are gay people factories!

You want to stop
churning us out,

you gotta shut down production,
that's all I'm saying.

And of course,
I don't want that to happen.

I'm the product
of a straight marriage.

My parents are still--
they've been together

for more than 40 years.

And I don't wanna split them up.
I want them to slip and slide

me down the aisle at my wedding.

And that's because I believe
that love is real.

I believe that love is real.

And I believe that love
is real...

because I am scared...

of everything.

But I'm scared of being murdered

the most.

I brush my teeth standing up,
looking straight in the mirror.

And I spit down
onto my own shirt.

You know you can't bend over
and spit.

That's when somebody shows up
in the mirror behind you...

to fucking kill you!

And yeah, that's one way
I might get murdered.

But you know how I'll
probably get murdered?

By a murderer.

At night.

While I'm sleeping.

In my bed!

That's what I always told
my high school best friend.

Like, we gotta stay together.

For safety.

Where would the murderer
be hiding

before he murders me?

In the visible corners
of my bedroom.

Is apparently what I think.

'Cause every night of my life
before I've gone to sleep,

I've checked the visible corners
of my bedroom.

I don't know what I'm expecting
to see there.

Just, like, Kevin Spacey,
like, "Oh, you got me!"

And I'm like, "Well, you should
have hidden yourself

behind something."
And he's like, "But excuse me,

you don't even have any drapes
or nothing."

I'm like, "Oh, you're looking
for drapes?

Well, perhaps you should
relocate to the UK

where that's a larger part of
their interior design scheme."

And I'm basing my understanding
of interior design in the UK

on a television program
called Peter Pan Live.

That I watched,
'cause that Allison Williams

really peters my pan.

[cheering]

Yeah, she's all right.
She's all right. She's cool.

Cool, cool. Cool shorts,
cool shorts, Allison.

Cool shorts.

Because I have always been
afraid of being murdered

in the night,
I have developed systems

that allow me to get some amount
of sleep.

I sleep with a pillow
on my chest,

and I sleep
with a very sharp knife

in my side table drawer.

'Cause I figure
when the murderer comes in

to try and stab me,
they'll get stuck in my pillow

just long enough,
I can reach for my knife,

and I will stab them
before they stab me!

And if you're like, "Uh,
excuse me, Cameron,

I'm not really sure
that a pillow

will prevent a knife wound,"

well, am I not still alive?

Clearly, this works
as a strategy.

I was in Texas
not too long ago.

I had brought up my
pillow defense strategy.

This dude in the audience
yells out,

"Ha! Naw, Cameron.

This is Texas.

You gotta lose that knife.

Get a gun."

And I will not be getting a gun,
Chicago.

- I will not be getting a gun.
- [cheering]

I don't think we're doing
a great job

with the ones we already have.

It's not great.
We don't need more guns.

We do not.
There is no good reason,

I believe, to get a gun.

I don't understand it.

I don't understand
why anybody has one.

I really don't.
Like, I don't... why?

[applause, cheering]

And if you do own one,
if you do own one,

you should be supporting people
asking this question.

You should be supporting
better backgrounds checks,

and you should be supporting
less nuts out there with guns.

[cheering]

Because until we do,
when people say "gun owners,"

we include you.

And if you think that it
is righteous to have a gun,

you should want those
crazy people out of there.

You should want--
and when I say crazy people,

I don't mean people that
struggle with mental illness.

Because people struggle
with mental illness every day.

[cheering]

I'm talking about people
that feel righteous

harming other people
for, like,

the things that they
don't understand.

And I don't--
I don't get that.

Like, I don't get owning a gun
because you're a hunter.

Oh, you're a hunter?
Oh, you're a hunter?

So you take, like, a giant,
almost like a tank-sized thing,

and you put it in a truck
and you drive out to the woods

dressed as a bush,
and then you go hide in a bush,

dressed as a bush,
and you take a telescope

and you look through
the telescope,

you kill a deer that's like five
to 100 football fields

away from you? A little deer
that's just like,

"Huh! Nobody's around at all."
Boom!

Like, that's what you think
a hunter is?

No, I wanna see you running
through that forest!

I wanna see you kill that deer
with your teeth!

[cheering]

That is a hunter!

And if your answer
is for self-defense,

if that's why you carry a gun,

I will just let you know
that we are not...

nailing it with that.

I was gonna say
"killing it with that,"

but that would be incorrect.

You see, you so rarely hear
stories about people

accidentally killing themselves
with their own knives.

Never hear about that.
You never hear about,

"Oh, no! It's facing
the wrong way!"

"Did you hear about Alan?
He was cleaning his knife,

and it went off in his face."

I'm furious about this.

I believe we should all
be furious about this.

- I'm furious!
- [cheering]

And I don't wanna hear
anybody else's story,

and I don't wanna see
an interview with their mother.

Like, I just want it to stop,
and I want it to change.

And that's it. I'm done.
I'm fucking done.

[cheering]

And like I said, I have yet
to hear even one good argument

for any reason anybody
would need to own a gun.

Part of that might be
because I have never

had anybody tell me
that they own a gun

because they wanna look
as much as possible

like Linda Hamilton
in Terminator 2.

If I heard that just one time,

I would be like, "All right,
all right, all right.

Cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool.

But, like, straight up,
I still don't agree with you,

but I get your aesthetic.

I feel like you could work
on these guns, right?

She's got great arms.

But I believe that love is real.

And I believe
that love is real...

because you heard me talk
about the way that I sleep.

And still,
I am going to marry...

a sleepwalker.

[audience laughs, groans]

Yeah, that's... that's true.

That's true. Actually, I should
be more specific with you.

It's like sleep-stander,
or sleep-lurker.

She doesn't really go anywhere,
she kind of gets up

and hangs around.

Which is actually
more terrifying.

Imagine it, imagine it.
You wake up at night,

there's a blurring object,
"What was that?

Oh, well, back to bed."

Or just waking up to, like, bah!
Like, a looming shadow.

One time, I woke up,

she was on my side of the bed,

leaning over me,

tucking me in!

I don't know if you've
ever seen a sleepwalker.

They're just all dead-eyed.
I just woke up to, like...

Like the Crypt Keeper would have
been more welcoming.

'Cause, like, that's definitely
the last thing you see

before you leave this world,
right?

Just like, "Nighty-night!
Get ready for the big sleep!"

Like, awful! Awful shit!

But still...

in my half-sleep unconscious
before I really even realize

who that is leaning over me,

I do not reach for my knife.

Somewhere in my heart,
I know that I love her.

Somewhere in my body,
I know I need to protect her.

I do not stab and murder her!
Love is real!

[cheering, applause]

I will wake up
and she will be

standing in the corner...

my worst spot,

facing the corner.

I'm living the end
of Blair Witch.

And all I can think to say
is, "Sweetheart,

come back to bed."

If there is a greater argument
for marriage equality,

I do not know what it is.

[applause, cheering]

I mean, I don't wanna, like,
oversell my importance

in the movement, but, like,
we did turn in videotape

of our sleep
to the Supreme Court

and I'm pretty sure
that's what did it.

I was just like, "Your Honors,
I do not kill her at night!

I rest my case!"

Actually...

this is a really great
side tangent.

That's not a pocket.

[audience laughs]

"Yo, how was Cameron's show?"

"It was pretty good.
She, like...

She does this thing
where she kind of like...

she just grazes her right hip up
and down.

It's just like a...
it's like when she's had

a really good joke,
she's just, like, sweet.

Like it's just..."

"Oh, cool, yeah,
I've seen that move.

That's a cool move, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, cool move.

Cool, cool, cool move."

I've only had to testify
in front of a judge one time.

I was hit by a car

when I was riding my bicycle
when I lived here in Chicago.

And I had to go to court to get
my medical bills paid for.

And the woman completely
admitted it was her fault.

But I still had to testify.

And my lawyer said to me,
before I went into court,

"Cameron, listen.

When they say
'jury of your peers,'

they do not necessarily mean

jury of your peers."

He was like,
"You look very punk rock.

And we need these people
to believe you.

And I'm wondering if you would
wear your hair in a ponytail

when you testify in court."

And I said, "If you think
that it is important,

I will do it.

But you've never seen my hair
in a ponytail."

[cheering, applause]

Because when I wear my hair
in a ponytail,

it doesn't so much look like

I am a serious businesswoman...

[cheering]

as it does like I'm fighting
in the Revolutionary War.

[applause, cheering]

But I won that case
'cause what judge

is gonna rule against
one of our founding fathers?

[cheering]

Here's a thing...

that I've been thinking
about a lot lately.

I've been thinking
about The Blair Witch Project.

I just talked about it, why
wouldn't I be thinking about it?

I put it in a joke of mine.

Yes, that's why
I was thinking about it.

Great point, the audience.

I was thinking about that movie
'cause we'll never get to have

that movie again,
do you realize that?

We'll never get to have
that movie again.

We'll never get
to experience the joy

that was seeing that movie
'cause we saw that movie

at a time when, like,
the Internet didn't really exist

and smartphones
were not a thing at all.

And so everybody left that movie
and was like,

"Was that real?
Well, we have no way to check.

I guess so." And we all
thought it was real!

And here's the thing, like,
if that movie came out today,

we'd be leaving,
we'd just pull out, like,

"Is..." And it would just
auto-populate, like,

"The Blair Witch Project real?"
No, it's not.

"Are witches real?"
No. I mean, witches are real,

but not that kind.
They don't have stick piles.

It would say that whole thing.

And I miss some of that,
you know?

I miss some of the things that
that movie

taught us about ourselves.

Like, as a culture.

You see, that movie taught us
that, like,

we believe...

as a culture...

that somebody, an archeologist
or, like, a wayward woodsman...

guy dressed as a bush
about to shoot a deer...

somebody found a videotape
in the woods

of children being murdered,

and what we decided
to do about it,

as a culture,

was release it in theaters.

[applause]

That's who we think we are.

"How bad do the kids get
killed?" "Oh, very bad."

"Oh, that's gonna move popcorn."
Like, that's...

that's who we think we are.

And speaking of changes...

it's not just a change
in culture,

I'm finding that I'm going
through some changes lately.

They were things
I was unprepared for.

Every night at 11 p.m.,
if I am still awake,

I find that I would like
to have a baby.

What now? What?

I mean, they don't even make
maternity tuxedo jackets.

Like...

What would I wear?

I've never thought
I would want to have.

I never thought I would want
to, like, beep! You know--

I mean, I always knew-- I always
knew I wanted to parent,

but I thought I would
buy or steal kids.

I didn't know I would ever...

consider growing a baby
in my body,

because when babies are born,
they come out with the full...

head of hair, which means
if you reverse that process,

before that baby was born,
that mom had a full head

of somebody else's hair
inside of her body.

And I don't feel comfortable
with that.

I don't think any of us
feel comfortable with that.

We will throw away soup
if it has one hair...

in it that is not our own.

But an entire head of hair,

and it's already inside of you,

because it grew in there?

Oh, no thank you.

Plus, whenever I imagine
child birth, I just imagine,

like, one little arm
pops out of my vagina,

and then it unzips me.

I don't actually think
I'm that off-base.

Of course,
if we decided to do this,

we would have to, you know,
get, um...

uh... takeout.

'Cause we don't have all
the raw materials for a baby

in our kitchen.

It's like definitely a delivery
and not a DiGiorno situation.

Which is fine because
I do not like a rising crust,

as it turns out. Yeah.

[applause]

That's an erection joke.
I made an erection joke.

And I say that, but I don't want
anyone here who gets an erection

to feel shamed, how could I
ever do that to you?

How could I ever shame you
for having something

that I have at home in a drawer?

I would never do that to you.
I would never feel comfortable

being like, "Oh, that is gross.

Hang on, I gotta step
in to this." And...

[laughter]

Yeah, yeah. That's true-- yeah.

Yes. Yeah, that's how you-- yep.
That's how you--

And actually,
just so you guys know,

I'm working to get that changed.
I'm working to get that changed.

Strap-ons... no. Step-ins.

Call your congressperson.

Sometimes when people talk
about... sperm donors...

You know, like,
you're on the train or something

and you hear somebody...

Just, like the conversations
are so similar

when you hear people talk
about sperm donors.

Like, everybody always be like,
"Oh, I got the best one.

Yeah, we got a book,

and there was a lot
of baby pictures in there,

we picked a really hot baby.

And then we were like, wait,
is this baby also smart?

And yeah, it turns out,
hot, smart baby.

So amazing, plus we figured out
the rest of our baby's life,

like, how cool that person
became as an adult.

It's just like, well,
they were a political organizer,

they were a senator, and now
they're the president

of the United States."
You're like, "Wait.

Barack Obama
is your sperm donor?"

And they're like, "Well,
we can neither confirm nor deny.

But look at the child's ears."

That's not gonna be me,
I'm not gonna...

I'm not gonna follow
that strategy.

I think it's the wrong one.

I don't want the best
sperm donor in the book.

I want the worst...
worst guy in the book.

The guy who was, like, picked up
for loitering a lot.

He's irresponsible.

Sometimes you're at a party
and you send him out

to get more Doritos,
and then he eats all the Doritos

on the way back to the party!

What a selfish guy!

I want that guy

to be my sperm donor.

'Cause then later, when my wife
and I are raising our child,

and our child fucks up,
because all children fuck up,

then I can turn to her
and be like,

"Well, that wasn't us.

That is old Dorito Fingers
for sure."

And then if you imagine that,
don't you hope

that it's not Cool Ranch?

'Cause, like...

If it's... and if he's a sperm--
he would-- anyway...

I just feel like it would
be too spicy.

If we decide to do this, I'm
pretty excited about one aspect.

Which is, like, during the time
you're trying to brew,

kind of steep a baby
in your body,

you watch your cycle,
you watch your cycle.

Then you test for, like,
mucus and stuff.

And you get really to figure out
when you're gonna--

And this is awesome,
because...

at least, during that time,
for once in my goddamn life,

my period would not be

completely fucking
useless to me.

[cheering]

Because I have never
had a pregnancy scare.

So it has never
been a relief to get it.

[cheering, applause]

And I love to say
the word "period" onstage.

I love it.

I love to listen right after,

as all the air goes
out of the room.

As it's sucked
into all the dudes' buttholes.

[laughter, applause]

"Wait, what?!

Female comic onstage talking
about her period!

Oh, no, female comic,
turn the microphone

into a dick so we can relax!"
No.

I wanna talk about
having a period

because female comics
aren't supposed to.

It's supposed to be-- oh,
it's hack. Don't talk about it.

Oh, so nobody else is supposed--
Don't talk about it!

Don't talk about it!
It's gross, don't talk about it.

You know, 51 percent of the U.S.
population gets a period.

Did you know that?
More of us do than don't.

You could say the sentence,
"Like most Americans,

I bleed once a month..."

[cheering, applause]

and that would be true!

We are the majority!

This happens to us,
and we don't talk about it.

And it's not because we're
grossed out by bodily fluids.

It's not that, because semen
is a major plot point

in the movie
There's Something About Mary.

And I saw that movie
with my parents!

It's because it's
a woman's body, right?

We don't wanna talk
about women's bodies.

Women's bodies are supposed to--
they're tight and young

and they never age
and they never die

and nothing ever goes
out of place.

Like, women are supposed to be
like a womb with makeup on it.

That's what we're
supposed to be.

And we need to talk about this.

Because I wake up
in the night...

and I am bleeding...

a crime scene...

into my bed.

A crime scene that then
I have to get up and deal with!

I gotta take the sheets
and bag them

and send it to the lab
for processing!

Find out who did it,
it's always me!

I am the victim
and the perpetrator every time!

And it's not like a clear...

pourable substance.

And it is not blue.

Chunks.

[laughter, applause]

Chunks of my body...

chunks of my body are crushed

out of my body...

by my body.

Sometimes, the chunks
are so large,

the only logical response
is to pick it up.

Hold it in my hand
and marvel at it.

Well, will you look at that?

That is the size
of a strawberry.

That is the size
of a non-organic,

pesticide-ridden
grocery story strawberry.

A piece of my body
in my hand,

and I'm still alive.

[cheering, applause]

I'm still alive,

and I'm holding my body
in my hand,

and I'm sitting next
to a dude

making 70 cents
on his motherfucking dollar.

[cheering]

See, and that's why I
do not believe

that periods are disgusting.

Because every month is like
Wolverine's origin story,

that we somehow survive.

Our periods are what
make us heroes.

Heroes!

- Heroes.
- [cheering, applause]

And if you didn't laugh
or clap at any of that,

then I just hope...

at the very least...

that I have ruined...

strawberry jelly donuts.

[cheering, applause]

For you forever.

Boy, we've covered a lot,
haven't we?

Love and guns and strawberries.
We've really...

We've really covered some stuff.

There's one more topic I wanna
cover with you guys,

and I'll send you on your way.

- I wanna talk about pot.
- [cheering]

And I love that little moment
when a couple people go, "Whoo!"

And then other people are like,
"Wait, who is 'whooing'?

Do I work with that person?
Drug test that person!"

I assume that about the people
that don't "whoo,"

but maybe it's the other way.

Maybe they like pot so much
that they're sitting there

just like, "Wait,
what did she just say?

Why are you making noise?

So don't, actually, do that."

See, I believe that in the next
couple of years,

pot is gonna be legalized
nationwide.

- I believe that's true.
- [cheering]

And I'm not trying
to change your mind about it

to get your onboard,
I think we are not yet

prepared to deal
with this responsibly.

'Cause alcohol has been legal
for such a long time,

that we all kind of know
how it affects us. Right?

It's like you know
about the percentage

and you know how much
you can have.

You can have five shots
and a beer

and then go to work
in the morning.

I know how you drink, Chicago.
I know how you fucking drink.

[cheering]

Only place I've ever lived

where somebody gave me
a hard time for leaving

before the end
of the five a.m. bar.

Like, everybody's like,
"Oh, you're leaving at 4:30?

Are you kidding? We get another
round and then go get burritos.

What is wrong with you?"

But pot, we don't always
know how it affects us.

And also, different strains
or different strengths

and, like, sometimes
you get a brownie

and it's a huge brownie,
but it has almost no pot in it.

Sometimes you get like
teeny-weenie brownie

and it's just universes
of pot,

folding in on each other like
a whole string theory of pot...

that you are exploring
as a physicist

in that moment.

"Pot so strong,
it makes you a physicist"

is a great... tagline.

I don't think we're
always ready for that.

I was in-- I was
in Telluride, Colorado

the same week that pot
was legalized in Colorado.

And when I first got there,

I noticed the front
of their newspaper...

Telluride is a teeny
little ski town.

How small? Well, their newspaper
is called The Daily Planet

and they don't know that's
the name of any other thing.

I was, like, standing
in front of it,

take my glasses off,
put them back, like...

Look, I'm two guys! No?

Never heard of Superman? Okay.

Now, the front page
of the newspaper when I landed

was this big headline,
and it just said,

"Seniors OD on pot epidemic."

So I was like, "I have
to read this newspaper."

Here's what was going on
in town.

People in their sixties
and seventies

that had never smoked
or eaten weed,

they were going to dispensaries,
they were getting a brownie,

they were eating
the whole brownie,

and then they
were getting so high

that they had to go
to the hospital.

But also Telluride
does not have

a 24-hour regular, like,
full hospital.

It has, like, a little hut
that you go to

if you ski into a tree
or if you're a horse.

And it doesn't have
a full-time staff of doctors.

It has, like, one little doctor
live on top of a mountain

with a rotary phone,
go like, "What'd you say?"

Grabs a leather bag, gets
on a toboggan, goes to work.

So they were unprepared
for this epidemic!

I was kind of chuckling
to myself,

just imagining just, like,
tons of whiskey dogs lined up

and then tons of seniors
just sitting on their backs.

Just staring at nothing
and waiting for it to pass.

'Cause that's the other thing.

Right? There's no real treatment
for when somebody's too high.

Medically, there's nothing
you can do.

You just have to be like,
"You're okay. You're all right.

You're okay. You're okay.
You're okay.

You're all right.

Actually, let me
ask you a question.

Do you need music
or no music?

As a doctor,
I would like to prescribe you

two hours of Adult Swim,
like..."

That's all you can do.

I was having a little chuckle
imagining this scenario,

and I think the fates
came back to get me.

Because that night
I was performing

and I was in a venue
not unlike this.

It was an opera house
with a second-floor balcony,

low railing.

And I'd been onstage
for about five minutes,

when I heard somebody
in the audience yell out,

"He jumped!"

Now, I'm in a venue
with a second-floor balcony.

And I am onstage going,
"Oh, my God.

I hope nobody is hurt.

[exhales] Please don't
let anybody be hurt."

Also, a little bit,
because I'm an arrogant asshole,

I'm going,
"How badly was this going?"

That five minutes into my set
somebody was like,

"I can't take it!"

Stop the show and I had them
turn the lights on.

That's when I saw
what had happened.

There was a dude, he was
in the middle seat, middle row.

He's probably 21, he'd never
smoked or eaten pot in his life.

He went to a store that day,
he went to a dispensary,

he got a brownie.

He ate the whole brownie.

Then he came to a standup show

and I was the final comic
on that night.

And by the time I was on,
he was... all the way high.

He was so high that he knew he
needed to get out of there.

But he could no longer
remember how to do that.

He came up with a plan,
but it was not foolproof.

'Cause what he decided to do
was to stand up on his chair,

and then jump two rows forward,

and land on a woman
that he did not know.

And it was that woman's friend
who had yelled, "He jumped!"

And I get it. I get it.

Nobody's ever looking at their
friend and expects to see them

get hit from behind
by a full man.

I get it.

But I will say, as the performer
in this situation,

if this ever happens
to any of you guys out there,

I would recommend maybe
instead of yelling, "He jumped,"

if there's a second,
maybe you could just say,

"He... propelled himself
forward,

but remains at the same level."

[applause, cheering]

That would have helped me out.

As it was,
this poor little sweetie...

he couldn't even get down.

He was so high, he was just
up there, just turtling.

And we had to call the police

and the police had
to call an ambulance,

and EMTs had to come in
with a backboard.

They had to bring a stretcher
and they had to take that guy

and strap him down,
put his neck in a brace

and carry him out of there.

And the whole way he
was being carried out of there,

he was yelling one sentence
again and again.

And it is a sentence that I
did not believe at the time,

and I still don't believe it.

It is a sentence so legendary

that when I returned
to Telluride,

I was given breakfast goods,

baked treats
of the non-pot variety,

croissants and such,
by other people in the town

who remembered this day.

Because what this guy
was yelling...

over and over again...

was, "I am Saddam Hussein!"

[laughter]

He was so high,

that he could no longer
remember

if he was a hated
and deceased dictator...

or Saddam Hussein is alive,

he's in Telluride,
he's had plastic surgery,

and he loves standup.

[applause, cheering]

You guys, I tell you this story
because I want to protect you.

If you would like...

to have a brownie,

like a whole brownie,
if you're just like,

"I really want a brownie,"

then I want you
to go to a bakery.

I want you to go
to the grocery store.

And I want you to get a brownie.

A regular brownie.

And if you're like,
"I'm feeling like I would like

to get an appropriate,
pre-Hussein level of high..."

then I would like to recommend
that if you get an edible,

it's just like one little pinch,
wait 45 minutes,

then maybe you could have
a second pinch.

I don't know
how you live your life.

Or...

you could take that little pinch
of that edible,

kind of roll it
between your fingers,

go on that regular brownie,
kind of go towards the middle

with that pot brownie, kind of
sprinkle some of that in there,

roll it up,
it's an edible joint.

And so that's kind of fun,
as a craft.

But I have thought
of that young man

so many times since.

I have thought of him...

because not only did he have
to be carried out of there,

not only do people still
offer me breakfast pastries...

because they remember him,

but also he had to be arrested
that night.

And when he was arrested,

they had to call his mom.

[audience] Aww!

Can you even imagine...

how that phone call went?

Like, "Ma'am, I'm so sorry.

But your son has gone Hussein."

[laughter, applause]

And then she was just like,
"Well, for the first time,

I believe I should never
have gone with Dorito Fingers!"

[cheering, laughter]

But at the end, she wrapped up
the call optimistically.

Like, "All right.
I'm pretty bummed about my son.

But tell me the honest truth.

Since such a terrible thing
happened to him,

do you have it on videotape?

I believe it would do very well
in theaters."

You guys, I'm Cameron Esposito.
Thank you so much...

- [cheering]
- for coming out tonight!

- [cheering]
- [rock music plays]

[rock music continues]