Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

SINGING: under my umbrella

♪ You can stand under my umbrella

♪ She, she, huh- ♪

Hey, look! You're ruining Rihanna for me.

You've taken a song about sexy umbrellas

and deaded it with your whining vocals.

Choirmaster Greg says I've got a very soothing voice.

No-one cares about your cry-for-help dred choir.

My choir is not dred.

Unless dred means amazing fun.

You should join! Nah, I'll give it a miss, thanks.

It's OK if you're not a good singer - it's more of a social club.

It's funny actually, Mythili from the choir

says we should be called a wine club who sometimes sing!

(FAKE LAUGHS) I don't care.

I don't care. Anyway. I can sing.

I was lead in every school play. What happened?

Things a big man don't talk about.

All I know is, I swore on my Mum's life I'd never sing again.

What, not even Happy Birthday?

Nope. I just say that.

SPEAKING: Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you,

happy birthday you little idiot,

happy birthday to you.

♪ Yeah, yeah!

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah ♪

Let's try and get this boot off.

Can you sign this, quickly?

'I swear on my life and reputation,

Kareshma will not let you down'?

This has my name on it. Fine!

I need a letter of recommendation from you

for the management training course.

I can't recommend you for management training.

You've only been in the job eight weeks.

Right, off we pop!

Ooh!

Looks like one little piggie's gone to market.

Oh! You found it! Well done you.

SINGING:

♪ How sweet the sound. ♪

Come on, join in! Never gonna happen.

Me and my Spencer used to sing together. Girls Aloud.

Maybe you could be like that.

Don't compare me to your messed up son.

I get it - you're sad, cos he never calls you often,

but I ain't tappin' in for that brother.

Please. Just one song? No!

Look, the only time I'll ever sing again will be at my wife's funeral.

Yeah, the priest'll be like,

POSH ACCENT: 'Rihanna's husband wanted to say a few words.'

And I'll get up, grab the mic and sing Boyz 2 Men, End of the Road.

You get me? I don't know that, how does it go?

Nice try. SINGING:

Fuck's sake.

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

BOTH: a wretch like me ♪

Hey! Hey! Yeah. We're gonna shut that shit down

before I switch. You should join my choir.

We prefer karaoke. We do Lucky Voice twice a week.

Ooh, I like karaoke.

It's a private booth.

OK, Majors are freeing up space for your guy. The other two can wait.

Nurse! Need to get rid of this one - yesterday!

Seen faster handovers at Argos.

Wow. Feisty and fit, huh?

Hey, if you can shit Mars Bars you might just be my dream lass.

Piss off, mate. Sorry, was only flirting with you.

Oh. Right. Cheers, didn't realise.

I don't get flirted with often, but er...

You've got nice legs. What time do they open?

(LAUGHS)

Jo. Carl.

Shiny boots, Carl. Ex-army?

Aye, yeah. Armoured corps. Nice. Remind me, was it 2010?

-What? -When they started letting pussies in?

Must have been if you got in. (LAUGHS)

You've got good banter, Jo. Oh. Thanks, yes.

Don't suppose I could get -your number? -Yeah, yeah.

Just in case I need a paramedic.

I do tend to suffer from swelling in some areas.

Yeah, yeah. It's 07845 2-

Swelling. I get it.

Your cock? -Yeah, I was on about my cock. -Funny.

(PHONE RINGS) Yo Dad, what's up?

I need you to fix the wifi immediately.

I can't, I'm working. You can pop by.

No, I literally can't. I've got sick people to deal with.

Emergencies. A father is an emergency.

Fine, I'll pop by tonight. (PHONE BEEPS)

Is that why you don't sing?

Did your Dad forbid it?

When all you wanted to do was express yourself?

Yo, I'm not Billy Elliot.

GARY: I can't give a reference for something I don't believe in.

I don't see what your rush is anyway.

If I'm rushing it's because I've waited long enough already.

I should be a doctor by now, but...

Glandular fever got in my way. It ruined my A-levels...

..stole my destiny.

I tell you what. I'll write your letter.

Yes! Knew you'd cave. Pathetic.

In twelve months, if you can prove to me you're ready then.

RADIO: '451, I've got one for you.'

Chest pains. Male, 60s. (PAD BEEPING)

It's your Dad's address!

(SIREN WAILS)

Yes, I'll pick up the ribs.

Who's coming?

No, she didn't tell me.

OK, later potat-er.

That was Trish. She said you're coming to our barbecue this evening?

(SNIGGERS) How does Trish know who you are?

I called her!

I took her number from your phone.

Oh, OK. Why?

I just know we're gonna be friends.

Sir, can you describe these chest pains?

Humungous, but gone now.

Whilst you're here, son, I need you to fix the wifi.

Look what I've got. Virtual reality.

I need the wifi so I can watch a film.

Ooh, anything good?

It's a romantic film about two women.

Maleek, your friend asks too many questions.

Dad, let her work. Wendy, stop asking big people questions.

(BEADS RATTLE)

So, Maleek was telling me earlier about why he stopped singing.

Oh, the Aladdin thing? Oh Lord, it was funny! (LAUGHS)

He was meant to be a genie. Hmm?

Painted all blue, like a fat smurf.

OK, OK. It was a school play, I played a genie,

it went wrong, done!

He came out on a magic carpet on wires.

Over the audience, and then... (LAUGHS)

..He got stuck up there. That sounds terrifying!

No, you are not listening. It was very funnybecausehe was scared.

And he was blue and fat, you see?

Had to wait up there until the fire brigade came.

Every flippin' kid in South London showed up.

Even the mandem pulled up with laser pens, shining it on me,

trying to get me to fall down. I filmed it. Look. (LAUGHS)

-MALEEK ON VIDEO: Dad, help! -This is the bit where he nearly falls.

Alright, do you known what, we're done. So...

Goodbye. I shll watch my romantic film now.

(EXCITEDLY) Mmm! (GIGGLES)

(SIREN WAILS)

RADIO: '451 Papa Kilo, got a mental health.

Elderly woman lost by the canal.'

Ey up, duck, everything okey dokey?

She seems really confused.

No, she's just from up north. They all...

Oh, you meant her. Sorry.

What's your name, my love? Joan.

Where do you live? STAMMERING: I don't know.

WITH FALSE CHEER: That's OK!

Why don't we go and sit over here and see if we can figure this out.

OK? I don't think it's a very comfortable bench,

but it'll do for now.

Are you my son?

Me? Just...

No. No.

Sorry Lawrence. I got this bloke texting me.

It's a bit embarrassing. It's this nurse that hit on me this morning.

Keeps flirting with me. I'm like, 'bit keen mate.'

What's he like? Nurse. Fit.

Mm. Mm.

So, are you into him? UNDECIDED: Mmm.

Didn't think you were -on the lookout. -No, I'm not but...

Why not go for it? You know?

I can't wait around for Mr Right forever.

So, I might as well have fun with Mr Fit.

-Go for it! -Mm. What's stopping you?

What is stopping me? Mmm.

What is stopping you?

What is stopping me.

What is stopping you?

RADIO: '421 Zulu Mike, we got a Cat 1 seizure.'

Yeah, on my way. (RADIO BEEPS)

I got to go. What is stopping me? Oh.

Must be horrible not being able to remember where you live.

Easy for you though.

What? Your house sounds horrible.

Oh, I've got used to living above the arcade now.

My life's on the up! I've got my choir...

Alright, you're waffling now.

Hang on a minute, that might help her.

You're not kidnapping an old lady and putting her in your choir.

No. I read about it. Singing can help dementia patients

access their past. (KISSES TEETH)

Joan...

Do you like old songs?

I bet you do, don't you?

What about this one?

SINGING:

♪ Don't ever wander... ♪

Can you remember where you live, Joan?

Who the hell are you? (HE SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER)

Oh well, it was worth a go.

I'll go and get us a cuppa while we wait.

Yeah, you do that.

I'm just nipping off, Joan!

I'm going to leave you with your son. Alright?

Sorry about that, Joan. As if you'd like that bullshit.

D'you know what? My gran used to like one song. Um...

(KISSES TEETH) Nah...

(UNCLEAR)

SINGING:

♪ Young girls they do get weary

♪ Wearing that same old shaggy dress, yeah. ♪

CHUCKLING: Oh, you like a little bit of Otis, yeah?

Yeah!

♪ But when she gets weary

♪ Try a little tenderness (JOAN STARTS SINGING ALONG)

Yes! Joan bustin' a lickle two step! (CHUCKLES)

I like that one! (LAUGHS) Yeah!

♪ You know she's waiting ♪

BOTH:

♪ For things that she'll never, never, never, never, never, possess

♪ Yeeeaaah... ♪

Oh! (CLEARS THROAT) No, don't stop! It's working!

-Is it? -Yeah! (JOAN LAUGHS)

Agh.

♪ Without them

♪ Try a little tenderness.

♪ That's all you got to do... (JOAN CHUCKLES)

Bruv, landscape, man.

If you're gonna do the ting, do the ting, innit? You get me?

Oh great news! Lou's coming to the barbecue later.

Not till late though, cos she's double-booked.

Classic Lou.(CHUCKLES) How do you know about my daughter?

She really shouldn't share so much on social media.

There's some messed-up people out there.

Are you threatening my family?

If I was worried about someone threatening my family,

I'd sign a letter of recommendation to get them out of my life.

I'm not scared of your threats. Bright girl, Lou. Very smart.

God, I hope nothing happens to distract her from her A-Levels.

-Banter, innit? -Yeah. It's so important in this job.

Yes. Yes, Carl.

Honestly, I think banter's more important for your health

than any drug or machine they've got in there.

(LAUGHS BREATHILY)

Obviously no. No.

(GASPS AND LAUGHS LOUDLY)

(WHOOPS WITH LAUGHTER) So funny, Carl.

Oh, hi Lawrence, what are you doing here?

You said you needed to see me urgently.

Yeah. Uh...

STAMMERING: Need you to sign Darrell's birthday card.

Here? Yeah. Because...

I don't want him to see it at the depot.

So... yeah.

That's why... I got you...

Oh! This is Carl, by the way.

MOUTHS: The nurse. Nice to meet you, Carl.

Alright. I like your bike.

OK, actually, Carl, I think, you might...

..You should probably get back in. Oooh, yeah.

OK. Make a move.

Look at that arse. Look at it.

Could sharpen your knives on that.

So, do you have the card, or..? What?

The card? Oh, the... er....

No. I need you to get it.

You want me to get the card. Yes, if you don't mind.

Why did you tell me to come here? Because there is a very nice

gift shop, and thought it might be nice...

It's in a month, but I just thought, you know,

let's get ahead of the game and get him a really nice card.

Maybe decorate it. Right.

ALL: Don't tease her.

♪ You never leave her.

♪ You got to, got to, got to, got to, got to

♪ Try a little tenderness.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh! (ALL LAUGHING)

(APPLAUSE) Oh shit! Me and my Len,

we used to love this one! (LAUGHS)

Can you remember your address, Joan?

Is... is, no. For God's sake.

Mum? What you doing out here? You can't go wandering off like that.

Look. Your brother is alive!

Oh! (CHUCKLES) Ta-da!

US ACCENT: Back from the dead.

He's just sent me an aubergine.

Think we all know what that means. He's into horitculture?

It's emoji for cock, for boner.

-That's what it means. -OK. Everyone knows that.

Sent him a water splash.

Right. Dating's certainly changed a lot since I was single.

You are single, Lawrence.

Yes, I suppose... (PHONE PINGS) Oh my God!

Er... He's not just sent you a cabbage, has he?

He has just texted asking if I want a bunk-up in the disabled loos.

-He spelt that wrong, actually. -God, I can't believe that.

Can you believe that, Lawrence? -Judging by his earlier texts? -Yeah?

Yeah. He's pretty forward. Yeah.

You're not gonna do it, are you?

Why, you jealous?

-Joke. -No. No, I was just joking.

You're free to do what you want. I know.

Just looking out for you as a mate. Well, mate.

Unless you want to stop me,

Er...

I'm off to the bogs for a bit of...

(WHISTLES BADLY)

Um, lips are really dry. (WHISTLES PROPERLY)

So.... Mm-hmm.

I'll see you.

I didn't say anything. Oh no!

Sounded like you said 'stop'? No... But you didn't. No?

Good. Good.

Hey! Woo!

Alright. So.

SPANISH ACCENT: Callipo for you. Callipo for me.

Gracias senior. De nada.

(CHUCKLES) You were amazing!

You didn't do too bad yourself though.

You started to drag towards the end.

But it's cool. I can pick up the slack, I can carry you.

Just do better next time, man. (ALERT BEEPING) Oh, we've got cat 1.

SINGING:

It's your Dad again. Oh, for God's sake.

You need to confront him about this.

Look, you don't just confront an African dad.

Who looks down on ya and has stopped you fulfilling your potential.

Just like those boys stopped you singing,

but you're bigger than all of them.

Why you do you always have to bring up my weight?

(DOOR OPENS)

-The world! -Yup. Hey, hey, hey! here she is!

Here I am. (DOOR CLOSES)

Let the para see the medic. Very funny.

Right.

Come on.

I can't do this.

I'm a grower, like!

It's not that. It's, er...

I'm sorry mate. You're a sound bloke but...

I'm kind of into someone else. Oh right.

Really sorry to mess you about, mate.

I'll leave, no probs. Actually, er...

I know it's a bit of a pain, but he's out there

and I don't want him knowing that I've bottled it.

Ah right. You want to make him jealous.

(BOTH LAUGH) Got it.

-Alright. -Idiot. We'll just wait in here.

Cheers. Cheers, mate. I appreciate that, yeah. (LAUGHS)

Yeah.(BOTH SIGH)

You can put your cock away.

(GIGGLES) I forgot it was out! (LAUGHS)

I can’t wait for the barbecue. Your Jack’s gonna be there.

I just know we’ll get along!

I hope I don’t miss the last tube home.

Then I might have to stay over and fuck your son.

I’m sorry, but you’ve pushed me to this.

And, quite frankly, well, part of me isn’t even sorry actually.

OK, what’s in the tube?

I went to the infectious diseases ward.

There was a girl there... with glandular fever.

So I took a swab from her, because I will not be bullied!

You're bluffing. I absolutely am not.

And if you won't listen to reason, then maybe you'll think twice

about getting glandular fever again. Hey! Stop.

I tried being nice, Kareshma.

But then you came for my family.

WHISPERS: And if you come for my family,

then you better come armed, because I will...

..f-f-fuck you up.

Wow. Gary.

Well played. Oh, don't! I feel awful about this!

(SIREN WAILS)

Lord have mercy, son, it's as if you in the film!

Now, I need my dinner putting in the microwave.

We can't do this. People actually need us.

What if Joan was wandering around out there?

What if she went under a bus and we could have saved her?

Look, it's complicated. Tell him no.

Let me just put the ting in the microwave, man. (KISSES TEETH)

Getting the silent treatment, am I?

You don't understand, so maybe you keep your beak out.

No. If Maleek won't stand up to you then I will.

This job is hard enough, OK?

There are people out there, hundreds of people going through their worst,

and we're their only hope.

Every second we spend on a timewaster like you

is a second we're not saving lives.

Saving lives? (COUGHS, LAUGHING) You and Aladdin?

Your son is not a joke! He's brave, he's sweet

and he deserves a dad who respects him,

not some pointy-shoed bully who treats him like shit!

(BEAD CURTAIN RATTLES) Got nothing to say for yourself now, have you?

Mr.... Rude head.

(GASPS IN PAIN / CRUMPLES NOISILY)

Dad, stop messing around - it's not funny.

He's not messing around. He's gone into arrest.

(ECG BEEPS) Come on! Get him on the floor.

(OBE GASPS)

(BOTH LAUGHING) It's funny, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And clever.

Yeah. Yeah, it is. Always liked Family Guy.

Yeah.(PHONE BUZZES)

Oh. Er, ah.

Jo. What?

Oh, OK, God.

Shit. Er... One of my team's just lost their dad.

Bloody hell. Yeah. (TUTS)

Is...

If it'd help we could...

You know...

-Mate! -Wrong moment.

Whoa, no. Oh, mate! No!

You should go. No! No!

MUSIC: Otis Redding

♪ Wearing that same old shabby dress... ♪

'Emergency, ambulance. Is the patient breathing?'

WOMAN: 'I tried to wake her, but nothing's working.

She's not waking up.' MAN: 'Lady passed out on the road.

I don't think she's breathing.' 'I can hear the ambulance outside.'

♪ Try a little tenderness

♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ You know she's waiting

♪ Just anticipating

♪ For things that she'll never,

♪ Never, never, never possess, yeah

♪ While she's there waiting

♪ Without them

♪ Try a little tenderness ♪

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