Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language and adult humour.

We can look after Anthony.

That would be amazing. What are you doing?

If you're in with the kid, you're in with the mum.

Hope he wasn't any trouble.

Trouble? That man...he was on fire.

(SCREAMING)

Sorry Jo! In.

Where's Maleek? Maleek's gone.

There was a recall at the twat factory.

I've come to take you back too. Wha-?

Now, we had a serious complaint about you two, Wendy.

Can you guess what it is?

No...? Nothing comes to mind?

Umm is it about the um... the kid..

and the fire...? Hey? What kid? What fire?

Oh noth- Course it's the kid and the fire!

Anyway, now I have to observe you on shift.

To report back if you're thick and dangerous,

or if it's just Maleek. Well, we were both involved...

Don't try to defend him Wendy. He's hardly welcomed you with open arms.

OK he's not a touchy feely sort of person.

But if I want a hug, I just hug the stretcher.

Totally normal.

What have you done with Maleek?

Move! NEE NAW, NEW NAW! Thank you, nee naw!

It's alright mate. Don't worry, I'm here now.

You know what, give me a minute...

Wenders! Mental driving!

Haven't driven on blues for a while.

358 Lima Charlie on scene.

Found the bleed, stab wound to the abdomen.

Nice to see you too Lozza!

He's bleeding out...

Well let's keep pressure on the wound then eh? Bit less chat?

Lovely of you to join us Maleek.

Lucky for you, Wendy drives like an absolute bastard.

Ah, so you're driving now? Just jumping in my grave?

Bet the steering wheel wasn't even cold.

Sorry about bike duty.

What you sorry about? This is lit.

I'm finally where I belong, on the streets,

not cooped up in some metal cage.

Plus I can cancel my gym membership now.

You go to the gym...? Yes.

Right. (WHISPERS) I'm sorry you took the blame for Anthony.

(WHISPERS) It's okay. I'm not a snitch. I'm ride or die.

But gangster to gangster, you owe me, big time.

BULLSHIT! Wendy, he tried to blame it all on you.

Did I even say which blonde lady in her late 50's?

No, no I didn't! Don't be like them Jo. Snitches. Snitches!

(INDISTINCT RADIO CALL)

Okay, what have you got for me?

Yousef, 46, found alone, unresponsive in his flat.

I didn't ask for his dating profile.

He has a large swelling in the neck and umm-

Is everything ok? Do you need a choccy biccy?

No! And er, he was coughing up blood- I think he could be-

Shush everyone, the paramedic wants to diagnose the patient!

Sorry, wait, I've got to ask.

Are you two related? We all look the same to you, is that it?

No, god, no I didn't mean um-

Yes we're twins, now can we get back to the dying patient please?

I think it could be TB.

Wrong. I'll take it from here.

You stick to Deliveroo-ing the bodies, okay?

Let's go. Triage 2.

So are you two close?

(RADIO) 070, you've got a fainter in the park.

I think you guys can take it?

Dad, what the hell!

Are you a paper boy now?

No. It's a promotion. Yeah?

Elite zero-emissions task force.

What next, roller skates?

Ha ha. Look I gotta go. Look at you already trying to leave your father

I'm at work. So where's the small white lady?

I'm solo now. Off the leash.

She left you? Left who?

No one can't leave me. If anything I left her.

Ah. Don't worry son, you've come to the right man.

I know what women want. Women like gifts.

So? So, I need you to take this to your mother.

Dad what the- You've already used it man!

Just two small small scoops, smooth it over and give it to her?

Or is it too much for you? How am I supposed to-?

Now you want to ask questions? Are you not in a rush? Go then.

Bye, dad.

Oh, Loz. Umm, yeah, I'm going to this craft beer night tonight...

Ah. I love a craft beer.

That's weird, I had absolutely no idea.

What? Lawrence is always on about the craft scene.

All those IPA stickers on his locker?

And you gave me Easter off for that festival, remember?

Yeah... I'm a busy professional Lawrence, not a stalker!

It's not like I remember every word you say, looking for clues to

the secret of your soul!

Right... But if you'd like to come, it's a free country, I can't stop you.

The thing is, well- Chill out it's not a date mate.

Unless, I mean... I can't tonight.

I'm finally sorting through Karen's old clothes.

Maybe you don't need to throw them away just yet...?

No, I've put it off too long. Yeah, chuck em.

Or you could make them into a memory blanket.

A what? I made one out of our scrubs from our first shift together.

Mate! You didn't? Mate. I did.

What's going on, Dave? Alright.

Mandem, yo biker boy- Shit!

Sorry! What the hell?

Ah, what the flip, man?

That puddle. Fuck sake, the kit is everywhere.

...sake. That's annoying.

Nice to meet you guys, though. Good day for it.

Good day to some lives.

Good day to keep the heart rate pulsing.

Oh.

It's also Calippo time.

Alright. Keep your hair on, no crying. I got another one.

Who wants it? Who wants it? Who wants it?

I thought it was lame too when my old partner suggested it, but

it's actually great. Paramedic fuel.

No, it's a reductive sugar, which is going to dehydrate you the minute

you start pedalling, which will reduce your performance on the job.

Oh. Well guess who gets to have 2.

Ah. Fresh.

So you and Lawrence.

What's going on?

I mean I saw what happened...

The excellent communication by the best paramedics on the job?

All I'll say is, you have a lot going for you Jo.

You don't need to wait for some man to notice you.

Wait?

What? You think I fancy Lawrence?

Eurgh.

I don't even want to be noticed. That's why I love camo.

So you won't mind me coming to the craft beer thingy-majig with

you tonight, then?

I'm actually thinking of not going now, Wendy, so.

Because Lawrence isn't going? No, idiot!

Sh- Sorry Wendy! Sorry Wendy! Are you alight?

Let's do it, if you think you can keep up.

Destination lash-town. No stragglers.

Right. Yeah.

You don't need to worry about me when it comes to boozing.

My Facebook pic's a sign that says Keep Calm and Prosecco!

My cock just shrunk. Never say that again.

Dunno, I thought London would be different.

You know, a chance to meet exciting people.

I don't even know my neighbours.

Sometimes, I time putting out the bins in the morning

so that I can give them a friendly little smile.

But when I do they look at me like I'm some sort of cuckoo,

deranged person. Imagine.

And I left behind a five bed semi.

In a cul-de-sac.

With a Whatsapp group and monthly BBQs on the green.

What have I done, Jo?

What if I've made a terrible mistake?

This is the craft beer talking.

This is what happens when you drink hoppy spunk out of designer bottles. How can you not do Fosters?!

Oi oi!

Man like Lawrence. Hi Maleek.

Bruv I'm mash up man.

Ah, bless.

I'll sky it still. No lurgies and that.

Got to look after each other, us cycling man. Budge up.

Well I'm a motorbike man, bit different.

Come on bruv. We're the same, bruv.

Stop fighting it. Yeah. Right.

I suppose we are both lone wolves, to a certain extent.

Lone wolves.

(HOWLS)

Awoo.

That was dead!

Yo.

Do you ever get lonely?

You know, like, just someone to talk to.

I'm cool with it, I was just thinking maybe...

No. No, it suits me.

I like the silence of being on the bike.

Feel that.

Feel that, Lawrence.

Silencio...

on the bicycle.

Yo! Can we race back to the depot, clock off

get a couple of coffees.

You seem like one of them oat milk bruddas?

Don't take this the wrong way Maleek, but I come here to be

alone with Karen.

I got this bench made for her. She loved this spot.

Big Lawrence. Balling buying benches and dat!

That's deep, bruv.

So um...

If you don't mind-

I'd like to- Yeah! I got to go gym anyway.

You go to the gym? Yes!

See you in a bit Lawrence.

You know he's got a bench with her name on it.

He goes there every day, dreaming about her dead face.

She's cockblocking me from the grave.

Well you have to do something? Make a move.

Show him Karen's in the past, and you're the future.

You're a beautiful, intelligent... forceful woman.

What? Wendy! Stop, no! I'm serious! I'm serious!

I'm not! Look.

If you bottle up your feelings you'll end up doing something

stupid like I did.

Like what? Oh, it's nothing.

Just a saying isn't it?

'Don't do something stupid like I did.'

I think it's from an advert or something.

Was it bread?

What did you do?

I didn't do nothing.

Wendy... No, I didn't- anyway!

We're not talking about me, we're talking about you, and-

Wenders. We need shots.

What? Shots!

Wendy! 0500 hours, come on.

Shit, shower, shave.

I feel like I've only been asleep 20 minutes.

Yep, about right. Come on. Grow a pair. Get up.

Where am I?

My gaff. I don't remember coming back here...

Nope. Me neither.

Classic night for the lads. You are a dark horse Wenders.

I've got cuts and scratches everywhere.

Yeah, I think we crawled home. I've got so much dirt under my nails.

Me too.

Uh... we took a shortcut through the park.

Let my head stop spinning and I promise I to tidy up.

Shit.

Shit Wendy, we've done something bad.

We killed someone?

Please. No.

Ooooh.

(BOTH MAKE NOISES OF HORROR) Fuck.

(COOL MUSIC PLAYS)

Sorry.

You can't listen to music on the bike. Health and safety.

'Health and safety'. Yeah, alright. Pushbike prick.

What? Sorry, I thought you..? What?

...said something, sorry. What?

No, I'm just- Prick.

Right, well, yeah. I just. Hmm? What?

Yeah, really professional, well done.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Brilliant. You're the prick.

(RADIO) Cat 1, unconscious male, suspected overdose by the

railway tracks...

Hey boy, you give your mum that cream? She didn't text me.

She change her number again?

Stop riding your BMX. Does your mum have the Netflix?

Tell her, she wants the Netflix, I know a guy!

Maleek! Does your mum have the Netflix?

Do you have the Netflix password?

Oi.

Did dad drop you a call? No?

Oh they mentioned they want their money back for your

education, you know, as it was a total waste of time.

Can you just admit already my TB diagnosis was right?

That would be me breaching doctor-

sorry let me say that again I think I stuttered,

doctor patient confidentiality.

I'm sure you have no idea what that is, as you're just a sort of

Uber with aspirins.

I could have sworn you'd be the evil twin.

Maybe we should tell him, we should own up.

Maybe we could sneak in tonight and put it back?

You can't sneak anywhere carrying a bench Wendy.

Anyway Lawrence already knows it's gone, he stops there on

his way in. Reads the newspaper or some shit.

I can't face him, I'll meet you in the ambulance.

No one's going to think it was us, if we don't act weird, okay?

Just... be breezy.

Stop. Stop, stop, stop.

What the hell are you doing, Wendy?

I'm trying to be breezy and my back is killing me!

I'm in a very weird place right now!

Just be calm. It's all fine. Okay?

Nice! There we go! Makes me feel worse.

Lawrence probably won't even be that bothered.

Don't worry. We'll find whoever did this.

And when we do, I'm gonna grab them.

And say 'who do you think you're messing with, punks?'

And I'll say 'you messed with the wrong guys, you son of a bastard!'

Then I'll bite them. Yeah!

No biting. But I like this energy!

Alright Lawrence? Time of the month?

Ha!

Someone stole Karen's bench last night.

No!

I hate it when those unexplainable things happen.

It's just so weird, this happens, the same night I get rid of

all her clothes. It's like a sign.

You threw out the clothes? Lawrence! Good for you!

That's a big step forward in the grieving process.

Maybe it was too soon.

No, definitely not. Maybe, in a weird way, what happened with your

bench is another step in that process...?

I just don't see it like that. I feel like I've been thrown back to square one.

Sorry.

That you feel bad I mean.

Not apologising for anything more specific.

Jo! Wendizzle!

Yo! Just wanted to let you know, I just reached an overdose in

2 minutes thirty. Yep!

Wow. You literally did your job.

Yep. You're welcome.

So what, you two are a proper ting now yeah?

Happy for you man.

Finally got your partner to go and get white girl wasted with.

You know, if you every want to go our and drink like,

just a normal amount, I'm game.

Bet you are, beg friend of the year.

Don't want you getting lonely on your tod.

Lonely? I'm not, I'm not lonely.

I've been listening to that true crime podcast.

You believe her own daughter did it? Not actually got there yet.

Sorry, sorry, no but look.

No spoilers but yeah her daughter did it.

Ooh, glasses! Wheelie!

Well yeah, good recommendation. Have you got any-?

Wendy, now!

Bye Maleek.

Bye...

We've got to tell him.

We're not telling Lawrence, Wendy, okay?

Just, Jesus, ruin everything we have.

Just to play devil's avocado...

do you actually have anything?

There's a deep bond there, Wendy.

Just to play devil's avocado one last time,

is there?

This is your fault. I told you to show him how you feel!

Not kidnap a bench.

Didn't carry it half a mile on my own, did I?

You made me talk about my feelings.

I thought Maleek was the problem, but it's you!

You are dangerous!

Me dangerous? How many samurai swords does one person need?!

You're like a timebomb waiting to go off!

(TIRES SCREECH) (THUMP)

(MALEEK GROANS)

Oh thank god.

It's just Maleek!

Two deliveroos in one day? Do I get a stamp?

Is my tenth one free?

Sticks and stones can break your bones...

Yes, I know that Gary, I'm a paramedic.

It's just, I know I'm right about that diagnosis.

Well you know what you need to do then.

Pretend to be her and sleep with her boyfriend?

Did that with the last two. She just does the same back.

No, I was going to say you need to let it go.

Accept they know more than us. We're not doctors.

No we're not.

But I look like one.

Jesus. Jesus!

Wuss. At worst it's a sore ankle

Is he gonna be alright? I feel awful.

He better be Wendy, or you're done. You're finished.

Bro calm down, yeah?

I'll be calm when this lunatic is behind bars.

What? Wendy wasn't driving, I was.

How could you?! Darrell, Darrell. She's our boss.

Sorry. I better just go.

Maleek's just such a good friend of ours, so...

That's very kind, you didn't need to do that.

I was just leading from the front.

Won't you be in trouble? Me? No, I can make all this go away.

Take the blame, write a clean report, point out he was

wearing earphones. But why would you do that?

Because Wendy, if you don't keep your lips sealed about the bench,

I will tell Maleek you ran him over, and that you called him a fat

speed bump as you did it. OK?

It's just there on the right.

I'm going to need the file on that blood cougher from yesterday.

Is everything okay Dr Patel? You seem different.

Yeah.

I'm drunk. On the job.

You should report me.

Stick a sexual assault in there while you're at it.

Ow, ow! Get off, alright!

It was TB! He died last night!

Get in!

Maleek! You're back.

Have you forgotten everything already? Go round to your side, man!

Opening up a man's door like that, no manners!

Mannerless. I dreamed about this day.

Eugh. Keep me out of your fantasies please.

I see your ankle's better.

Ah, y'know. Real talk, Jo was proper proper apologising for running me

over. Did she? Oh good.

My cycling homies are gonna be struggling now without me.

They mentioned a getting a statue of me to remember me by,

but I said, allow it, I'm humble you know?

Yeah. Anyway, it's good to have you back.

The Real OG's back into this ting!

What are you doing? Stretcher!

You know the rules.

Chest pains. Male, 60s.

Oh... It's your dad's address.

There's some messed up people out there.

Are you threatening my family?

I'm off to the bogs for a bit of, uh, (INHALES NOISILY)

My lips are really dry.

(DARRELL AND DARRYLL SING AMAZING GRACE)

Hey, hey, hey! We're gonna shut that shit down before I switch.

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