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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to the Big Fat Quiz of Telly,

where we'll be asking questions all about TV.

Like who commissioned this? Why is TV so self-regarding?

And is there anything else on?

Let's meet the teams.

Everyone knows a great TV double act needs a funny man

and a weird-looking sidekick.

I honestly don't know which one's which here.

Please welcome Russell Howard and Babatunde Aleshe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Could be either. Could go either way. Brap, brap!

Next up, they're brother and sister,

so we're hoping for the kind of on-screen chemistry

we saw from Cersei and Jaime Lannister,

it's Natasia and Jamie Demetriou.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One appears on Never Mind The Buzzcocks,

the other on Loose Women.

So, one makes a living talking about disappointing seven inches

and so does the other.

It's Judi Love and Daisy May Cooper.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All about TV. Favourite TV show of all time?

Russell, you got a favourite?

Sunday Brunch, I guess.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I think it's that or The Wire.

Babatunde, favourite TV show? What do you like?

You know what, Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air

is my all-time favourite show.

CHEERING Yes, yes.Yeah.

I can watch that any time, to this day, right?

Do you know the rap? Which rap?

The beginning one. Oh, yeah, yo, of course I do.

What do you mean, which rap?

No, no. No, no, he caught me off guard there,

I thought you were talking about a specific...

In West Philadelphia, born and raised...

That's as much as we can afford!

THEY CONTINUE RAPPING

Don't say it, no, no!

If you say any more, we've got to pay Will Smith.

Jamie, Natasia, favourite TV shows?

What do you like? We don't share one.

No.

Anything where someone's talking about reaching

for their dreams at any point, I'm into.

Just things where people are gonna give 110% or...

Like The Apprentice. Yeah, The Apprentice.

If they're feeling nervous but excited,

I'm probably gonna watch it.

It's a whole genre of TV summed up beautifully there.

Yeah. Yeah. Natasia, favourite TV show?

Oh, mine, sorry. Sunday Brunch or The Wire.

LAUGHTER

All the questions are about Sunday Brunch or The Wire. Yeah.

If you've just tuned in and you don't watch Sunday Brunch

or The Wire, do one.

Judi, Daisy?

I'm gonna go for one of

the other only three black shows that are shown in

the UK in the '80s.

So, Desmond's.

CHEERING Oh, God.

Yeah. Yeah. 20, 30 years ago.

Daisy? It's got to be Four In A Bed.

RUSSELL: Oh, yeah. Because everybody on it is just as petty as I am.

I love it. Have you seen the one with

the bloke who's, like, mental about eggs

and judges everybody on their eggs? Oh, yeah.

Then they get to his and he can't cook eggs

and he's cooking eggs in

a volcanic-themed kitchen. It's insane.

Now, I've not seen this show,

so I think you're having a breakdown.

LAUGHTER

Russell, Babatunde, you got a team name?

Well, we were trying to do a pun with our names,

Babatunde and Russell.

It's pretty easy and we came up with Babagoruss,

as in baba ghanoush.

Baba...garoush. It's a dip. It's a dip.

LAUGHTER

OK, there's nothing to beat, Jamie and Natasia.

Nothing to beat, team names-wise, there you go.

Oh, well, we want to win the quiz.

We're called Channel Four.

LAUGHTER

Baba...goush something.

Hey, Babagoruss. And that's our move.

BOTH: Babagoruss.

Channel Four. We're called Channel Four, yeah.

The Big Fat Quiz, Channel Four.

LAUGHTER

Judi, Daisy, what have you got, team name?

Well, I came up with The Slags.

But you weren't mad on that.

LAUGHTER

We can't say slags. Yeah, Slags.

Yes! The Slags, fantastic. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's get on with the show.

Our first round is all about TV's most memorable moments.

The 1986 EastEnders Christmas special featuring Dirty Den is

the most watched show in British TV history.

30 million people tuned in.

The only divorce that will get more attention

will be Meghan and Harry's.

Love Island hit our screens in 2015,

it's a psychological study of what happens when you dump

a bunch of horny people on an island,

sort of Lord Of The Unzipped Flies.

LAUGHTER

The rules of Love Island are simple.

20 contestants enter a villa and then each other.

LAUGHTER

In 2003, Cilla Black quit Blind Date live on air.

Cilla quitting was a shock to everyone, including Cilla,

when she sobered up and they told her what she'd done.

LAUGHTER

All right, who's up for some big, fat TV questions?

We wanted to change our name.

What do you want to change your name to?

To The Dyslexics. Yeah.

NATASIA: You could be The Dyslexic Slags.

Perfect. How about The Mighty Ladies Of The Night?

That's a little bit more,

yeah, The Dyslexic Ladies Of The Night.

Shall we all do a name change?

ITV?

LAUGHTER

Dyslexic Ladies Of The Night. OK, well, no, fine.

All right, questions. First up, have a listen to this.

What iconic TV moment are we hearing?

You've got to write down your answers.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS Ah!

Ah!

Ahh... Ah!

HEAVY PANTING

FLUSTERED MUMBLING

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

All right, next up, we've got a question

from Bake Off legend Nadiya Hussain.

Hi, Jimmy.

Winning the Great British Bake Off changed my life

and was a dream come true.

But back in 2014,

baker Iain Watters' dreams were shattered,

when he was involved in one of

the show's biggest controversies.

What happened?

So, Nadiya wants to know what controversy shattered

the dreams of baker Iain Watters back in 2014.

If I was a gambling man, I don't see a win there.

LAUGHTER

All right. In 2016,

an episode of Celebrity Big Brother aired,

which has been described by viewers as

the biggest mix-up in history,

like a Shakespearian tragedy,

the best meme to come out of England.

What was the confusion?

It was a 2016 episode of Celebrity Big Brother.

What happened?

All right, finally, for this round,

back in 2003, TV ghost botherer Derek Acorah

contacted the spirit world,

in an attempt to commune with infamous highwayman Dick Turpin

during a live episode of Most Haunted.

What message did he famously receive from the ghost?

Derek Acorah died about four years ago,

anyone else think it's weird we've not heard a word from him?

LAUGHTER

Have you ever been to a spiritualist church?

Yes. What just amazed me, it was always,

it was just the same of, like,

"Tom's there, he says he loves you,

"he says, 'Go on with your life.' "

It's never like, not once would somebody go,

"Collapse the foot dungeon,

"they know everything."

LAUGHTER

All right, time for the first set of answers.

I asked you what iconic TV moment this was.

HEAVY PANTING

FLUSTERED MUMBLING

Russell, Babatunde, what did you put?

We went for Mary Berry watching Human Centipede.

LAUGHTER

Oh, you are gonna kick yourselves,

because you're so close.

It's Mary Berry watching the Human Centipede 2.

Oh!

I can't give it to you.

What did you go for, Jamie, Natasia?

Paul Burrell in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

And she's answered it in full.

Like professional Channel 4 people do.

LAUGHTER

What have you bothered to write down, Judi, Daisy?

Hello? We got this right.

I'm A Celebrity.

LAUGHTER

You didn't ask... You didn't ask who it was.

Yeah, we did. When?

Oh! In the question.

All I heard was, "What was the iconic moment on TV?"

And I heard that noise and I know it was I'm A...

And you thought the iconic moment was every episode

of I'm A Celebrity there's ever been?

Well, let's treat ourselves. Let's have a look.

Ah! I can't feel anything at the minute.

I'm gonna put my... Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

HEAVY PANTING

What is it? What is it? What's that? What is it? What is it?

FLUSTERED MUMBLING

It's horrible...stuff.

Beetles or something.

Ahh!

It's cockroaches in there, Paul. Ah!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

They should mike up the cockroaches.

They're like, "Oh, who's this prick?

"Who is this prick? Oh, oh, he's touching my mum up."

LAUGHTER

So that was Paul Burrell taking part in the Bushtucker Trial.

So you get a point there, Jamie and Natasia.

You're the best one so far. No, no.

All right, Nadiya Hussain asked you what controversy rocked

the fifth series of Bake Off back in 2014.

What have you written?

We... LAUGHTER

We wrote melted.

What happened in the iconic moment?

Someone... Didn't someone leave a fridge open?

And it melted.

Jamie, Natasia, did you get this?

We remember he was Irish.

LAUGHTER

I know he had an orange cardigan on and he was Irish. Irish.

And that's the answer.

And that is from a great Channel 4 show,

purchased from the BBC...

BOTH: The Great British Bake Off. Check it out on...

Channel... Channel 4. Channel 4.

LAUGHTER

There's a real hostage video vibe to...

You know, sometimes when they go,

"They're treating us very well on Channel 4."

Babatunde, what did you go for?

Yeah, he slapped a fly.

Like he slapped it. The fly was flying around,

buzzing around and he was just like, "Pussy hole", bang.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I remember him saying "pussy hole, bang," yeah.

No, yeah.

Melted will get you a point.

THEY GASP What?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It was bin-gate, when baker Diana

innocently took Iain's baked Alaska

from a freezer, causing it to melt

and then put it in the bin.

Bin-gate, it was huge. Yeah. OK.

I wanted to know what Celebrity Big Brother viewers

described as the biggest mix-up in history,

like a Shakespearian tragedy

and the best meme to come out of England.

What did you get?

We went straight to it again. Oh, of course, yes.

David's dead. David's dead.

David's dead. OK,

what have you got for this, Jamie, Natasia?

Oh, no.

LAUGHTER What did you write?

Kinga travelled a bottle towards her area.

Sorry, travelled?

She... Commute. She commuted a bottle towards her pan.

LAUGHTER

Pan?

She, erm... Another one?

She encouraged a bottle...

..in the vicinity of her bin-gate.

Very nice.

Very nice, yeah. APPLAUSE

What have you got, Russell?

David Bowie died

and I thought they thought it was David Jason.

OK, let's take a look at the chaotic

and misleading moment everyone was talking about.

WHISPERS: David's dead.

No, he's not! TIFFANY WAILS

You can't, you can't, you can't do that.

Work down, babes, sit down, sit.

They told me that David is dead. David's...?

Yes. David's... David? Yes, she said he just died

and I can't BLEEP hold this in by myself.

No!

Where's David? Where's David?

Where's David? WAILING: Oh, God.

That is so BLEEP.

No, no, no, chill.

Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill. Tiffany. Tiffany!

Why would she do that to me? Tiffany.

What? Don't, don't, don't, don't, stay away.

Sit with me, sit with me. Come and sit down. Why would she...?

That BLEEP is not funny. Come and sit down.

What did I do?

You told her that David was dead with cancer.

Yes, he is.

He's in there, asleep.

Not David. My ex-husband!

LAUGHTER

Oh, that was... It was iconic. Oh!

It was, of course,

Tiffany Pollard mistakenly believing fellow Big Brother housemate

David Gest had died.

Point. No points. Point.

APPLAUSE

And finally, I asked you what message TV medium

Derek Acorah received from a ghost while searching for

the spirit of highwayman Dick Turpin. What did you put?

Yeah, I saw this. He said, "Suck your mum."

LAUGHTER

You are so close. Natasia, Jamie, did you see this?

I was catching up with Tash when the question was asked.

We don't see each other that often,

that's the main reason we're here tonight. Just...

But, by the looks of it, he heard something pretty funny.

LAUGHTER

What have you actually written down?

Was catching up with my sister.

Judi, Daisy?

Mary loves Dick.

Let's have a look and see if you're right.

There's this peace and calm of spiritual activity there

with...urgh.... You all right? All right?

Hold on. You all right?

Where's it going? Are you all right?

Mary loves Dick. Mary loves Dick.

Mary loves Dick.

HE MUTTERS

Don't say all those things about him.

Don't. Who are you?

You all right? You all right?

Just for a moment,

her energy came in and there's annoyance.

A nice lady,

but I feel as if she's got this

great love for Dick.

LAUGHTER

What do you make of Derek Acorah?

Do you believe in any of that stuff?

I went to a...

Cos I love all ghosts and stuff like this

and I went to Shepton Mallet Prison,

right, and we had to stand in a circle

and the medium there,

who was very much like Derek Acorah,

asked us if we could feel anything.

And one guy that was there said,

"I can feel something inserting into my anus."

To which the Derek Acorah guy said,

"Well, we are in a prison."

Isn't that extraordinary?

But was it for a TV show, or was it, like, for a day trip?

Oh, no, it's just out in my spare time.

LAUGHTER

You did this for free?

No, I paid. I paid.

Of course, it wouldn't be the Big Fat Quiz without

an appearance from the children of Mitchell Brook Primary School.

But this time, there's a twist.

The children have been shown three

TV shows that were all made before they were born.

All I want you to do is listen to the clues

and tell me what they've been watching.

Have a look.

That is so crazy, right?

He looks super silly and funny.

He sleeps with a teddy bear.

And the man is wearing a tie.

OMG.

He was using, like, a mop at the bottom of it to use the car.

There was no-one inside.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, I wouldn't like him to drive me to school.

They climbed up a ladder and it was fun.

He said, "Are you ready?" Then he broke the light.

I think they'll get in trouble,

because the lamp was special.

At the last bit,

there was the superheroes wearing pants.

That was so funny. SHE LAUGHS

I saw Batman and Robin.

He looked like a tough man

and the strongest man in the world.

I saw people running

and trying to knock people off what they were standing on.

And then they went like that.

It looks like something you would have for PE.

He did, like, the pose, like...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have you all got answers? Mm-hm.

Show number one.

Jamie and Natasia, what have you got?

Naked Attraction.

LAUGHTER

He wears a tie, he sleeps with a teddy bear.

The little girl said she wouldn't like him to drive her to school.

Yes, I should make clear,

we did not show the children from

Mitchell Brook Primary School Naked Attraction.

Oh, come on, Channel 4's lost its edge.

What are you doing?

LAUGHTER

OK, what did you think it was, Russell, Babatunde?

Mr Bean. Mr Bean, and you went for, Judi, Daisy?

Mr Bean. Yeah. Mr Bean. Yeah.

That's the right answer.

Come on. Oh, yes.

APPLAUSE So, the next one.

Next one, Babatunde, what have you got?

We put ThunderCats.

Judi, Daisy?

Only Fools and Horse...s.

OK, Jamie, Natasia, what have you got?

BOTH: Only Fools And Horses.

That's the right answer.

All right, the last one, has everyone...? What did you get?

Gladiators.

Gladiators, yeah. Gladiators.

Glatiators and Gladiators.

Mr Bean, Only Fools and Horses, Gladiators.

OK. At the end of the first round, let's take a look at the scores.

So, Russell, Babatunde,

you've got three points, which would...

LAUGHTER

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Openly laughing at you, not with you, at you.

Jamie and Natasia, you've got also three points.

Yeah. When you come to us,

can you actually say our name, please?

And... And?

Our team name has got how many points?

Six. Oh.

OK, that's it for part one.

Just enough time for me to whip off these trousers

and shoot my Naked Attraction audition video.

See you after the break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz of Telly,

the show that asks questions about

the very best shows on TV and Emmerdale.

LAUGHTER

Our next round is all about TV villains.

Police drama Happy Valley

portrays life in Yorkshire as hard,

grim and full of violence and abuse.

But there's more to Yorkshire than that.

It's also fucking cold.

In the year 2000,

Nasty Nick shocked housemates on Big Brother with his villainy.

Nick was labelled the most hated man in Britain

by people who clearly had forgotten all about Piers Morgan.

LAUGHTER

All right, time for some questions about villainy on TV.

Here's your first one. In 2001,

Major Charles Ingram became

a household name after he was arrested

for cheating his way to the jackpot

on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

Accomplice Tecwen Whittock

was accused of coughing to signify right answers.

What did he do to indicate wrong answers?

Oh, no, I know.

Yeah, yeah.

Right, next question.

I'm gonna play you three evil laughs from some

of TV's greatest villains.

All I want you to do is tell me who's laughing.

Ha!

Ha, ha, ha!

He-he-he-he-he ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha!

It's very odd when people have got weird laughs, innit?

LAUGHTER

Crime hot spot Midsomer

has given us 25 years of improbable murders.

Take a look at these photos of poor villagers

moments before their demise.

All I want to know is how they died. Oh!

And, yeah, that is Martine McCutcheon.

Babatunde, you've been in a bunch of stuff.

You've acted in loads of things, haven't you?

Couple of things, yeah. Yeah.

You've died in Waking The Dead?

Yeah... Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, you guys are... Babatunde, what is that?

Oi, don't do that, oi.

LAUGHTER What did you die of there?

I think I drowned, I think... No, this is before...

I got kidnapped in this scene.

Oh, shit, I've just see the gloves.

I thought that was your hair, man.

LAUGHTER Wait a second.

JUDI: Oh, I thought it was your hair as well. Are those gloves?

Yes. Oh, I didn't know that till you said it.

LAUGHTER

OK, next it's over to daytime telly legends

Alison and Dermot.

Hi, Jimmy. Hey, Jimmy, how's it going? Here's our question.

Back in the day, we were both huge fans

of '80s TV phenomenon Dynasty.

Yeah, especially the unbelievable drama brought by

Dame Joans Collins' characteristic, Alexis.

But can your teams tell us what Dame Joan was referring to

when she said, "The first time we did it,

"the ratings went through the roof.

"So, from then on, we had to do it every season."

I know what it is. Me too. Oh, you filthy cow.

LAUGHTER

She definitely doesn't know what it is,

she couldn't even say her name right.

So they want to know what Dynasty star

Dame Joan Collins was talking about when she said,

"The first time we did it,

"the ratings went through the roof. So, from then on,

"we had to do it every season."

Oh. Oh.

All right, are your ready for answers? Of course you are.

I asked you what accomplice Tecwen Whittock

allegedly did to signify incorrect answers

whilst cheating on Millionaire.

What did you get?

That he shouted, "No!"

LAUGHTER

Judi, Daisy, how do you think?

Well... I think it was silence,

no coughing, cos I just remember him...

How would that be a signal?

So you think he was coughing the whole time

and then briefly stop when an answer was incorrect?

Oh, I don't know.

No, I think it makes sense. I back you. Yeah, I back you.

No, he shouted, no.

No! No.

Babatunde, Russell?

Sneezing. Yeah, that's what I meant, sneezing.

LAUGHTER

I spelt it wrong.

I can tell you, he blew his nose.

What, yo, aye, aye! Aye!

I mean, it's the same area of the body,

but it's a different thing, isn't it?

What happens when you sneeze, bro?

Your nose get cleared. Bang, point.

But no.

APPLAUSE

All right, I played you three iconic TV villain evil laughs.

The first one, which was...

Ha!

Ha, ha, ha!

Who's that?

I thought it was the kid who wore the red and white...T-shirt

with the dark hair.

What's that kid? He was in a... LAUGHTER

You know what I'm talking about, on the magazine.

Beano! Deano. Beano. No, Dennis the...

Deano, Beano, Dennis the Menace.

All right, did you get the first laugh?

We only got the third one. It's Nelson from The Simpsons.

Let's hear that. Ha-ha!

Did everyone get that?

We got three, yeah. Yes, yes.

Second one was this.

He-he-he-he-he ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Who's that, Jamie?

Well, Tash wrote this one and I don't... Jimmy Carr?

LAUGHTER

RUSSELL: That's not Jimmy.

APPLAUSE

Jimmy goes like this.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha haaa!

He's not wrong. I do have a weird laugh,

but it's not Skeletor from He-Man.

Is that who it is? Oh! I knew it.

Oh, right. Yeah, it's Villanelle from Killing Eve,

Skeletor from He-Man and Nelson from The Simpsons.

Did anyone get a point on that? Yes! Two of us...

Everyone got Nelson. We did get Nelson.

I showed you three images from Midsomer villagers,

moments before their untimely deaths.

How did you think they died?

OK, so the first one there, what have you got?

RUSSELL: Karaoke.

You think she died of karaoke? Yeah, yeah.

What do you think, Natasia?

We took it a bit further.

Yeah, that she died of disappointment on X Factor

when she found out she was going to Louis' category

on the Judges' Houses.

LAUGHTER

And we're going to Ireland.

That, yeah. Yeah.

OK, Judi, Daisy?

Because of the hair. Electric shock.

I'll definitely give you a point for that.

The first one was electrocuted by their microphone.

Ooh! Yeah.

APPLAUSE

The second one, what do you think? What have you got?

Yeah, we got death on a dartboard.

He's on a giant dartboard

and someone is throwing a dart at him.

No.

Yeah, we really don't know.

We said the circle closed in around him and crushed him.

LAUGHTER

What have you got? I think he met someone and got excited.

I don't need his life story, how'd he die?

Yeah, well, this is the lead-up to it.

He met someone, got excited.

They said, "Let me tie you down, boo-boo."

And then they tied him down and then they...

Smashed him in the nuts with a mallet.

No. No?

I can tell you that he was killed by

a flying wine bottle, fired from a catapult.

All right, third one, what have you got for this?

She was eaten by Wellard, the dog.

LAUGHTER

From EastEnders. Yeah. There was a bit of bad blood.

Natasia, Jamie, did you get this?

I went for old reliable cock in the mouth.

LAUGHTER

Old faithful.

Go on, what have you got?

We thought she looked like she was getting strangled in

a seatbelt, ironically.

But that does look a bit... Keeping that one quiet to myself.

Like what? Well, you know when you're having a good time

and...argh!

LAUGHTER

And he didn't... Pineapples!

Didn't get...

LAUGHTER

No, she was killed by a wheel of cheese, have a look.

Oh.

No!

No? No way.

APPLAUSE

All right. Alison and Dermot asked you

what Dynasty villain Dame Joan Collins was referring to

when she said, "The first time we did it,

"the ratings went through the roof. So, from then on,

"we had to do it every season."

What do you think they had to do every season?

Murder.

Kill someone.

No, yeah, I know what a murder is. Yeah. Wet 'em up.

Wet 'em up, yeah. Send 'em home.

Hawkeye.

Teach 'em table tennis in the dark.

LAUGHTER

Russell, I'm starting to fancy you a little bit. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

No, it's not murder. Natasia, Jamie?

They learned their lines.

LAUGHTER

Every series from now on. Every series. It works, it works.

OK, Judi, Daisy?

We put shoot JR, but is that Dallas? Or...

Turn up. It's a different show.

Oh, all right.

Although, what a twist that would be.

They had to have a cat fight every season,

cos people liked it. They did, didn't they? Yeah.

Yeah. Let's take a look at the OTT moment

when the feisty characters go at each other.

So, if you've quite finished. I haven't.

Yeah, that was it.

That was entertainment back in the day.

It's better now, innit?

OK, now it's time for a special bonus round.

This is the part of the show where I introduce some mystery guests.

All you need to do is tell me

who they are and which TV shows they star in.

However, you can only ask them yes or no questions.

So please welcome our mystery guests.

Just yes or no questions.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, look at this.

They're not from the same show,

but they all do the same job.

So you need three answers here.

We've just got to guess who they are from any TV show that was on?

But you can ask them questions.

I'm so sorry for wasting your time.

LAUGHTER

EastEnders? You can't ask the show.

Was you on EastEnders? No.

EastEnders? No.

Oh, all three of you, no? No.

Oh, shit. I mean, this could take a while.

Did you act in the show, or were you being yourselves,

your true selves? No, that's not yes or no.

It's a yes or no question. You don't know the answer I want.

They're absolutely iconic, they're incredibly famous.

Everyone in the audience will know who they are.

Oh, no, are you Teletubbies?

LAUGHTER

No? I so want to say yes, but no.

It's a different... That's the same show, isn't it?

They're on different shows.

Are you professional singers?

No. No. No.

There's something, cos that one in the middle was like...

Yeah, there's something. Yeah.

Are you voiceover artists?

Yes. Yes.

Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, OK, OK. All right, everyone.

You've got three shows to write down, that's it.

You've just got to write them down now. What three shows?

Can you all talk, quickly?

You can all say yes or no, that's all you can say.

Yes and no.

I've got you, bro.

Yes and no.

Oh! Yes! I told you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Guys, guys. Touch of class for you.

Yes and no.

Oh!

That's... What was that?

Tell me what that was.

LAUGHTER

Russell, get back there. No, Russell.

Russell!

OK, time for some answers.

Russell, Babatunde, what have you got?

What are the three shows?

The first guy is from Football Focus, we think,

as in he reads out the football results.

OK, and then?

Big Brother. And then three, India Fisher.

From?

That man said India Fisher.

LAUGHTER

OK.

Jamie and Natasia?

We struggled with number one, we went with Four In A Bed.

Big Brother and MasterChef.

Judi, Daisy, what are your three scribbles?

We put MasterChef, Big Brother,

Football...we're gonna say results.

You know, like, the, "Wigan, one." OK, well, let's go...

Well, please, tell us who you are in your iconic voices.

My name is Jon Briggs

and I am the voice of The Weakest Link.

Wow!

CROWD: Ohh!

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

And if you'd like an example...

Jimmy was the Weakest Link,

because he bagged the most money for the team.

HMRC were the strongest link, because they found out.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's pretty good, that's pretty good.

OK, and let's hear who you are in your iconic voice, please.

It's day whatever it is in

the Big Fat Quiz of Telly House and I'm Marcus Bentley,

the narrator of Big Brother.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A hell of a voice. India?

And I'm India Fisher.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I describe parfaits,

foams and veloutes on MasterChef.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is such a special moment for me,

cos just in case you didn't know,

I won one of the Celebrity MasterChefs for Christmas.

What was your secret recipe? What did you microwave in there?

I made a Jamaican-British fusion Christmas dinner,

with a celeriac and all kind of shit.

Is that how you described it, yeah? Exactly how I described it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Could you just say in your voice,

a celeriac and all types of shit? Let's just...

She made celeriac and all types of shit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It sounds pretty good when you say it.

Let's check in on the scores.

OK, so Russell and Babatunde have six points.

Jamie and Natasia have six points.

In the lead, Judi and Daisy with ten.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, well, thanks so much to India, Marcus and Jon.

India, if you wouldn't mind taking us to the break.

Join us after the break,

when Jimmy will be serving up his infamous Inland Revenue buffet,

a selection of elaborate pork pies, a jammie dodger,

but then a huge crumble and a slice of humble pie.

See you in five.

Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz of Telly.

We're asking the trickiest TV questions since mum said,

"What do the coloured buttons on the remote actually do?

This round is all about drama.

In 2010,

EastEnders celebrated 25 years on our screens with

a special live episode.

And it nearly ended in disaster, when five minutes in,

a crew member tumbled down some stairs

whilst carrying a big drum,

and everyone thought the show was over.

One of the biggest stars of the '80s

and '90s was David Hasselhoff.

Well, people think Hasselhoff was a big star, not really.

In Knight Rider,

he was literally the sidekick of a sat nav.

LAUGHTER

All right, are you ready for more questions?

Yes. Yes. It's all about dramas.

OK, Game Of Thrones took the world by storm

when it burst onto our screens in 2011.

Pedro Pascal's character, Oberyn Martell,

became a fan favourite.

But Pedro recently claimed he had to ask fans

to stop doing what when taking selfies,

after he got an eye infection?

Oh.

My God, he's handsome, isn't he?

RUSSELL: That would be a lovely dressing gown and all.

LAUGHTER

I can see you in that, summer's morning, in your mansion.

Dressing gown or Pedro?

I'm fine with either. Fine with either.

All right, so what were fans doing that gave him an eye infection?

Take a look at these images of a much talked about episode from

the final series of smash-hit drama Downton Abbey.

All I want to know is, what happened?

LAUGHTER

We've got an absolute cracker.

OK, I mean, that's gonna be filthy.

That's all we know for sure.

Next up, we've got a question from TV legend

of Albert Square, Natalie Cassidy.

Hi, Jimmy. When I'm on set at EastEnders,

I love a root round the props cupboard.

But one item I've never got my hands on is

a piece of vintage BBC memorabilia,

which went on display in America in 2016.

Whilst there,

it needed a daily wipe down

to protect it from amorous fans.

But what was it?

An item of costume from 1995,

it needed a wipe down daily

when amorous fans saw it in America in 2016.

Lastly for this round,

Breaking Bad is one of the most acclaimed TV series of all time,

but fans of the show caused such a nuisance for

the real owners of the White family home,

they had to build a six-foot fence around the house.

Why?

Babatunde, Russell,

sometimes it's nice to write down an answer, you know.

It's just a weird place for a hedge, Jim,

in the middle of the...

You put a hedge around your house, you don't put it there.

Alan Titchmarsh would lose his mind if he saw that.

LAUGHTER

Right, time for some answers.

First up, I asked you what Game Of Thrones star Pedro Pascal

asked fans to stop doing after taking selfies with him,

when he got an eye infection.

Now, Natasia, Jamie,

you've seen Game Of Thrones, you'll know, what was it?

Scratching their bum holes.

And they gave him pinkeye.

Because they'd been scratching their bum holes.

Bum holes and touching his eye.

I think I could probably give you a point for that.

What?! No, no, no, no.

I think I can.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE No way.

No. That's the correct answer.

Jimmy. It is the correct answer.

It's half the correct answer.

Well, what have you got as the answer?

He had to stop that,

because he got an infection in his eye,

because of how he died in the show

and that's what they were touching for to remind him,

"Hey, that's how you died."

I'm sorry and why did he get an infection?

Cos they had very clean fingers, did they? Because they...

No, they've been touching their bum holes.

You get a point too.

You get a point, you get a point. What did you put?

Same, fingers in his eyes. Yeah, fingers in eyes.

Fingers in the eyes. Let's take a look at the...

It's surprisingly realistic looking.

That's... CROWD: Eurgh!

Yeah, that's not good. And that's, if you're interested,

that's Babatunde's hair.

LAUGHTER

He was happy initially with fans having a selfie

with their thumbs in his eyes

and then he got an eye infection and he went,

"Oh, this has clearly been in

"someone's bum bum, I'd better stop."

OK, I asked you what caused these reactions,

I'd call it overacting,

from the final Downton Abbey series.

Daisy, what have you gone for?

Oh, we just put death.

LAUGHTER

No, there was no death,

but there was a medical emergency. DAISY GASPS

Jamie, Natasia, what have you got?

Could it be that they were watching

Pedro Pascal's fans scratch their bum holes and touch his eye?

Oh, hang on, yeah, oh, here we go.

Everyone, Babatunde and Russell.

They saw a black man.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a look.

Your enthusiasm is getting the better of your manners.

Oh! Can't we stop this beastly row?

How I wish we could.

Because I... I'm so sorry, I...

GASPING

Thomas, on his left side. Give me the napkins.

I'll call the ambulance. Keep him warm, take my coat.

What is it? His ulcer has burst.

What? Will he be all right?

We must get him to hospital as quickly as we can.

Judi, what did you put in that turkey?

LAUGHTER

It was Lord Grantham's stomach ulcer bursting at the dinner table.

Ooh. OK. Natalie Cassidy asked you what iconic BBC piece

of memorabilia needed a daily wipe down

to protect it from amorous fans when it went on display

in America in 2016?

What did you put?

It was a Tamagotchi.

LAUGHTER

Or...

Well, say it with me,

our answer was...

Pedro Pascal's bum hole.

Judi, Daisy, what?

So, we thought of all the things that were around in 1995.

Because, did you say one thing, or you said a number?

What did you write? We just wrote Mr Blobby,

Dalek, Take That.

Tell me one of those got at least a point. You're very close.

It was the shirt Mr Darcy wore in Pride And Prejudice.

It's so funny, isn't it, that that was sexy in '95?

It just looks like a fat lad in a dress.

Do you know what I mean? The game's changed.

All right, finally,

I wanted to know what Breaking Bad fans were doing to

the house the show was filmed in,

that prompted the owners to have to build a six-foot wall.

What did you all think? Babatunde, Russell?

We just put shit hedge.

It's not exactly the right answer, but,

yeah, very good point. Judi, Daisy?

We said taking naked pictures in front of the house.

Natasia, Jamie?

They were trying to throw a pizza on the roof.

That's absolutely the right answer.

APPLAUSE

Fans were throwing pizza on the roof,

to replicate the iconic scene.

There's a delicious pizza,

looking slightly worse for wear.

OK. Time now for a special bonus round.

Esteemed actor Charles Dance

is gonna re-enact iconic moments from reality TV shows.

All you need to do is tell me what shows they came from.

Here's the first one, enjoy.

Dear Lord, what a sad little life, Jane.

You ruined my night completely,

so you could have the money.

But I hope now you've spent it on getting some lessons in grace

and decorum.

Because you have all the grace of

a reversing dump truck without any tyres on.

APPLAUSE

All right, have you written down what show you think that was from?

Yes. OK, let's have a look.

So, you think it was from, Russell, Babatunde?

Oh, Towie was a guess. Towie.

So, Towie. You've gone, Jamie and Natasia?

Come Dine With Me.

Judi, Daisy?

BOTH: Come Dine with Me.

It was, of course, Peter Marsh ranting at his competitor Jane

in Come Dine With Me.

Wow. Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. That's the first one, here's the second one.

What TV show is this from?

I just feel like the birds are looking

a little bit more tasty in here.

That's the thing,

like, obviously, I fucking love houmous,

but at the moment, what's been going on is

we've been getting the houmous with the olive in it.

I just don't like the taste of it.

What I'm thinking is breadstick, celery, carrot.

Change it up. See how you feel.

APPLAUSE

Yeah. It's an iconic moment of reality TV. Did you get it?

It's Love Island, I think.

OK. Hang on, I believe Natasia

and Jamie are just writing down Love Island, as we speak.

JUDI: That's a cheat.

So, cos Russell said Love Island, we went with Love Island.

OK. Judi. Love Island.

So, Love Island, Love Island, Love Island.

The right answer.

It's a classic moment.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was Kem in Love Island talking about dipping his carrot in houmous.

LAUGHTER

Final one of these.

My hair, this is very expensive hair.

It's fucking frazzled.

Because you've only got straighteners in here,

you haven't got heated rollers.

So you'd better pay,

you can pay for me to have a new set of extensions.

The fucking hair is frazzled.

It's a fucking piss-take,

you're all taking the piss out of me.

Why didn't you think of putting heated rollers in here?

Straighteners are what fucking weirdos use on their hair.

That's what you think of me.

APPLAUSE

Brilliant. Brilliant.

What was the show?

You're still writing down answers or not?

No, no, no, yeah, Big Brother. Big Brother.

Celebrity Big Brother. Celebrity Big Brother.

We actually put the person. Yeah, the person. Gemma Collins.

Well, that was unnecessary.

Yeah, we said that. We said that.

We said it to ourselves. But we said it.

Nice. Big Brother, Celebrity Big Brother.

Points, points, points. Yeah, good lad.

OK. All right,

let's see what that's done to the scores.

I can tell you that, well, currently in last place,

Babatunde and Russell with nine.

Jamie and Natasia with 11.

Judi and Daisy, with 14, in the lead.

Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that's it for this part.

Will you be 100% faithful and join us after the break?

Or a disgusting traitor and turn over? We'll see, in five.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz of Telly.

It's like University Challenge,

but with less of the university

and much more of a focus on the challenged.

The next round is all about kids' TV.

The Teletubbies launched in 1997.

My favourite Teletubby is Eamonn Holmes.

He's on the telly and he's tubby.

In 1969, there was chaos on Blue Peter,

when a special guest, Lulu, the elephant,

pooped in the studio.

I don't know what the BBC did with that shit,

probably brushed it under the carpet like they did

with everything back then.

Comedy duo The Krankies

were all over our screens in the 1980s.

If you're not familiar with the Krankies,

Wee Jimmy Krankie was actually a woman just pretending

to be a man.

And that's the only time I'm gonna be allowed

to say that sentence without getting cancelled.

Right, time for some more questions, all about kids' TV.

First up, we've got a question from everyone's favourite magician bear,

it's Sooty and Sweep.

Hello, Jimmy! SOO: Hello, there!

It's Richard, Sooty, Sweep and Soo here.

Can you believe The Sooty Show's been on television

for over 60 years?

Mm, and as you know, we love getting into biscuits.

We certainly do. What's that, Sooty?

Sooty says he wants to know if your teams can tell him what

the BBC tried to ban in 1965,

because they thought it made the show too... I can't say that!

Too rude?

Too rude, thank you, Soo. Well, let's just say

they thought it made the show a little risque.

But what was it that caused the controversy?

Mm! SWEEP SQUEAKS

So, Sooty and Sweep

and Soo want to know what the BBC tried to ban from

the show in 1965 for fear of it being too rude.

Next up, episodes of which kids' TV show

prompted these tweets?

DAISY GASPS

And "watched this and now I'm pregnant." I know.

Oh, I bet you I know, I know what this is.

I know what this is. I felt a disturbance in the force.

What is the show about?

TV.

It's about TV.

The whole thing's about TV.

Oh!

I thought it was a more general question.

Oh, well, next up,

we've got a question from the one and only Mr Blobby.

Blob, blob, blob, oh! CRASHING

Oh, right. Oh, oh.

Hi, Jimmy. Blobby blob, blob, blobby blob.

Blob, blob. Blob, blobby, blob.

Blob, blobby, blob. Blob, blob, blob. Blob, blobby.

Blobby. Bye!

Ah, oh, blob.

Blob, blob, blob, blob, oh, oh.

Oh, blobby.

Oh, blobby. Blobby. Oh, blobby!

Oh, blob. Blobby. Oh...oh.

MR BLOBBY EXCLAIMS

All right, I'll translate.

Mr Blobby wants to know who Patrick Clifton,

Samuel Peyton-Jones

and Sir Topham Hatt are better know as?

DAISY GASPS

All big TV names. So who is Patrick Clifton,

Samuel Peyton-Jones

and Sir Topham Hatt, who are they better known as?

It's there, innit? I'm sensing it. Oh, my days.

Somebody get me Derek Acorah. Oh, my days.

OK, finally, under your desk

you've got a picture of TV icons the Teletubbies.

They've been on our screens since 1997.

All I want you to do is draw the accessories each of

the Teletubbies carries with them.

Oh. So they've each got a different accessory.

I just want you to draw the accessories

the Teletubbies carry with them. Oh, I know what it was.

I know what it was. It was one of those.

What's that? I don't know.

That looks like an omelette.

Yes, girl. Yes. Yes, girl.

Couldn't be easier? They got one accessory each.

They've been on our screens since 1997.

All right, OK, are you ready for answers?

Yeah. Yes.

You seem very confident, yeah, OK, all right.

So, Sooty, Sweep and Soo

wanted to know what the BBC tried

to ban from their show in 1965 for being too rude. Natasia?

We have the character called the Dead Grey Boy.

LAUGHTER

Very controversial. Sooty, Sweep, Soo and the Dead Grey Boy.

Very, very controversial time.

And what was the character of the Dead Grey Boy?

Well, he was originally just called, like,

Mitch and then he died on the show,

but then the public were like, "Are you kidding? Mitch?"

And then they went, "We'll bring him back,

"but we can't call him Mitch any more. Dead Grey Boy."

LAUGHTER

Hm, so close.

It's not that?

OK. No, what, Russell, Babatunde?

We had a black man.

Or Mary the Chatty Vagina.

LAUGHTER

It's not what's on the card. Judi, Daisy?

Sooty having a girlfriend?

That's the right answer, yeah. Well done.

Yeah.

Yes!It was... APPLAUSE

It was Soo herself, yeah.

They didn't want Sooty to have a girlfriend,

cos they thought it was a bit rude.

But they thought the name Sooty was all right?

LAUGHTER

Yeah. I mean...

Huh. OK.

I asked you what kids' TV show made viewers tweet...

What have you got?

Tom Hardy was reading CBeebies Stories.

Oh!

Women all over the nation lost it.

Natasia, Jamie?

Oh, I put Fleabag.

LAUGHTER

I thought maybe the 33-year-old woman was being ironic

or something. I don't know.

It's the kids' TV round, could the answer be Fleabag?

What did you put for this one?

We put, I don't know if anybody's watched Crazy Town,

but Sportacus in that is...

LAUGHTER

See? See?

Don't you think?

It was CBeebies Bedtime Stories, Tom Hardy,

Harry Styles and Rege-Jean Page, yeah. Wow, very nice.

Mr Blobby asked you who Patrick Clifton,

Samuel Peyton-Jones

and Sir Topham Hatt are better know as? Now, Jamie and Natasia?

The Shoe People.

LAUGHTER

That's my go-to for anything I don't know in life.

Excellent. Judi, Daisy?

We... Fat Controller, we put Postman Pat,

but we put Screech from Saved By The Bell.

OK, so you got two out of three. Babatunde, Russell?

We got 'em all right, Fireman Sam,

Man like Postman Pat, and the Fat Controller.

Wow. Wow.

APPLAUSE

That was the right answer, yeah, OK.

We now come to our art round,

pictures of the Teletubbies' accessories.

Talk me through this. Daisy?

We've got Po with a scooter.

Oh, my God. Tinky-Winky with the bag.

With a... Yeah. Dipsy with the hat.

And then we did draw a cock for Laa-Laa.

And then we changed it to one of those.

One of those blowing fans.

You got, I can tell you,

you got three out of four right there.

What? Natasia, Jamie?

Well, surprising, I didn't watch Teletubbies,

but I knew it was sort of about positivity.

So I've got that Tinky-Winky held a banner that said, "Come on!"

And the green one said, "Let's do this."

And then I took the other two

and the yellow one has a gun and bullets.

It's a gun. Is that...?

That's a gun and bullets, is it?

That's a gun and there's the bullets.

That's for protection and, unfortunately,

his head keeps coming, so he's got a box of tissues.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Russell?

So, the purple lad's got, like,

a whip and he's got a Tesco Clubcard. Yeah.

And this lad's balancing a potato on his head.

And he's got a copy of Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Yeah. Yeah, so Laa-Laa, got a gun. NATASIA GASPS

Got a gun, yeah.

So we definitely got that one right.

LAUGHTER

Po has a microwave, you know what I'm saying?

All right, so, Po had a scooter. Yes! Laa-Laa had an orange ball.

Oh! Dipsy had a black and white top hat.

Tinky-Winky carries a red bag.

So, I mean, three out of four.

Well done, Daisy. Not bad, not bad.

OK, let's see what that's done to the scores.

PHONE RINGS

NATASIA CHUCKLES

RINGING CONTINUES

Hello?

It's the banker from Deal Or No Deal.

LAUGHTER

For you? Exactly!

APPLAUSE

The banker's offer is simple, OK?

He sent six boxes to the studio.

Under your desk, you've got boxes, grab them.

Some contain extra points,

some of them contain penalties.

You each get to pick one box as a team.

Whoever's got the most points gets to pick first.

You've all got to pick a box.

OK, so,

Judi, Daisy, you're in the lead, pick a box,

which box do you want to open?

Number... Let's get number one out the way.

OK, so this is what Daisy

and Judi have won from the banker.

DAISY GASPS

Double your points from the previous round. OK, so...

Yes!

Good. All right.

That's a huge win.

Russell, Babatunde, you get to pick a box.

Which box would you like to pick?

What do you fancy, pal?

We're gonna go with number three.

I would have gone with number one, if I were you,

but, yeah. Oh... OK, yeah, sure.

Oh, I love the idea of doing this.

OK.

Swap your points with the lowest scoring team.

Jamie and Natasia, you now have 13 points,

Russell and Babatunde, you now have 11 points.

APPLAUSE

PHONE RINGS

Oh.

Hi, who's this?

What do you mean, you've got a very particular set of skills?

I haven't got your daughter.

No, this is 5395.

LAUGHTER

Well, good luck, yeah. Fine, it happens.

OK. Jamie, Natasia, you get to pick a box.

What do you want? Number one, number one.

Can we do number one again? No, you can't do number one again, no.

Fi...five.

Five. Five.

JUDI GASPS Swap your points

with the highest scoring team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh. Oh!

Wow.

Let's have a look

and see what that's done to the scores. I can tell you...

Oh!

In last place, Russell and Babatunde with 11.

Judi and Daisy have 13.

Jamie and Natasia are in the lead, with 26 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE No!

Oh, my God!

Time for a quick break.

I've got to nip backstage and sort something out,

because I do in fact have Liam Neeson's daughter.

See you in a bit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the show,

where I ask questions about memorable moments caught on camera.

It's like a fun version of Crimewatch.

This next round is all about music on TV.

Pop Idol's first series was won by Will Young

and made Simon Cowell a massive TV face.

Well, that and all the plastic surgery.

I mean, come on.

LAUGHTER

Between 2005 and 2014,

X Factor acts had seven Christmas number ones.

I remember thinking, "This needs to stop."

And then LadBaby came along and suddenly, I miss it.

Bob the Builder had a number one single with

Can We Fix It?

Bob the Builder was helped by his cheery friends,

Lofty, Scoop and Roley.

Less was seen of Portalooey,

who Bob would sit on for hours on end,

doing the Daily Star crossword and shitting out his full English.

MTV launched in 1981 and broadcast The Real World,

which spawned a whole genre of reality TV.

Without The Real World,

we never would have seen George Galloway pretend to be

a cat, Kinga frig herself with a wine bottle,

or Matt Hancock eat an anus.

That, my friends, is called a legacy.

We have some questions about music on TV. Here's the first one, right.

I'm still pissed off.

You're still...? LAUGHTER

What are you pissed off about?

Well, I mean, we worked hard, yeah, cos he was like,

"Collect the points, bitches."

And these bitches collected the points,

right, and then these two came along,

not even writing down an answer,

then they doubled up and took our...

I mean, what the rasclaat? And then, in the break,

I accidentally walked in on her on the loo. She did walk in.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Nice. All right. All right.

First question on music on TV.

Taylor Swift blew the minds of her fans back in 2015

when she duetted with a well-known TV star on stage.

They performed one of TV's most iconic songs,

made famous by the TV star themselves. What was the song?

Jimmy, give me the dance that would go with the song.

Ah, I... Yes!

LAUGHTER

Yes. I think Russell's left the gas on. Panic.

All right, I'm gonna play you three TV theme tunes.

However, they're gonna be played backwards.

All I want to know is, what TV shows are they from?

OK, here's the first one.

BACKWARDS UPBEAT SONG PLAYS

OK. The next one.

BACKWARDS BRASS BAND MELODY PLAYS

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

And the final one.

BACKWARDS DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, oh, oh!

That was scary as shit.

Yeah, it was scary, wasn't it? Yeah, man.

Next up, we've got a question from

RuPaul's Drag Race winner The Vivienne.

Hello, Jimmy. Now,

I beat off all the competition to snatch the crown in

the first ever series of RuPaul's Drag Race UK.

However, Girls Aloud's Nadine Coyle

wasn't so lucky when she was booted off

Popstars Ireland back in 2001.

Now, I love the drama of it all,

but can your teams tell me why she was kicked off the show?

Why was Nadine Coyle kicked off Popstars Ireland?

All right, take a listen to this track by Sir Tom Jones.

MUSIC: It's Not Unusual by Tom Jones

# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

# It's not unusual to have fun with anyone... #

Tom Jones.

LAUGHTER

A much-loved '90s TV character created

an iconic dance move to that song. Oh, yes!

All I want to know is, what was the dance move?

Do you want to help us out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, what do want?

What do you want? Jamie and Natasia,

you've already got all of their points,

stop messing with them.

Yeah, don't, don't rub salt into the wound.

Do you need the answers for any of the other ones?

No, we just need an answer for... What the fuck is going on here?

I'm talking to Judi.

LAUGHTER

You put us in a position where we've ruined them.

We didn't ask for that.

No.

So, do you want to give me a right answer or...?

I wish I knew the answer. That's the whole thing,

that's the thing, you don't know jack shit.

LAUGHTER

OK, all right. Answers.

I asked you what song Taylor Swift performed

when she duetted onstage with one of TV's biggest stars.

What did you all put?

I think it was Smelly Cat with Phoebe from Friends.

OK, and what did you put, Jamie and Natasia?

We put Smelly Cat by Phoebe from Friends.

OK, and what did you go for, Daisy, Judi?

BOTH: The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

What was that, then? What was that clue where I was...?

In West Philadelphia, born and raised,

in the playground...

Yes, Taylor Swift sang Smelly Cat with Lisa Kudrow,

aka Phoebe from Friends.

Well, let's take a look from the excited point of view of

a Taylor Swift fan losing their mind.

CHEERING

BOTH: # Smelly cat, smelly cat

# What are they feeding you?

# Smelly cat, smelly cat

# It's not your fault... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I played you three iconic TV tunes, but backwards,

in order to summon the devil. Did you know what they were?

Here's the first one.

BACKWARDS UPBEAT SONG PLAYS

Did we all get that?

Flintstones. Flintstones. It's the Flintstones.

# Have a yabba-dabba... BOTH: ..doo time, yeah.

Let's have a listen.

# Flintstones, meet the Flintstones... # Yes! Hey! Yes!

Have you got the Flintstones? Yes.

Judi, did you get it? Yeah, we got it. Yes, we got this one.

OK, here's the second one.

BACKWARDS BRASS BAND MELODY PLAYS

Babatunde?

Coronation Street.

Let's have a listen.

MUSIC: Theme from Coronation Street Come on.Yes!

Come on. APPLAUSE

OK. So points, points. I don't know, did you write Corrie?

Yeah. Yes, we did write Coronation Street.

OK.

LAUGHTER

It is there on number three and then you've got arrows.

Sure, sure. Sure.

The third one sounded like this.

BACKWARDS DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

That is scary. Did you get what this was? Natasia, Jamie?

We put The Twilight Zone?

Yeah, it was scary, but, no. Judi?

We put EastEnders.EastEnders. LAUGHTER

OK, Babatunde, did you get this?

No, we got Stranger Things.

Oh. Oh.

Ah. I think you're all gonna kick yourselves. Let's have a listen.

MUSIC: Theme from Succession

ALL: Oh! Luther, is that Luther?

No, it's Succession.

Yeah. Oh. Oh.

The Vivienne asked why Girls Aloud's Nadine Coyle

was booted from Popstars Ireland. What did you put?

Cooking meth.

LAUGHTER

Jamie and Natasia, what did you put?

She lied about her age. Yes.

Oh, she did, yeah.

Well, you should have written that, then, shouldn't you?

Daisy, did you get this?

Yes, we did. Lied about age, but on the sort of sideways.

Well, let's take a look at

the acting masterclass that is Nadine Coyle lying about her age.

Nadine Coyle, I'm from Lark Hill in Derry.

Date of birth's 15/06/85, making me a Gemini.

And...what date of birth did I say now? 15th...

PRODUCER: We asked you yesterday your date of birth?

I gave you the wrong date of birth. Are you sure?

Aye. Definitely? What is your date of birth?

I gave 15/06/87 or something.

I said... No, you said '85.

WHISPERS: '85.

Which means that you wouldn't be 18.

I would be 16. Yeah.

No, I gave the wrong date of birth.

What's your date of birth? '83.

And that's what I says to them last night, I says,

"I think I gave her the wrong date of birth, I think."

Have you got your passport?

Mm-hm. With you?

Uh, no, oh, should have it with me.

NARRATOR: Nadine still seems confused about her date of birth.

I played you Tom Jones, It's Not Unusual,

and asked what iconic dance move from

the world of TV accompanied that song?

It was all that, wasn't it? Well, play the music, let's do the full...

Oh, yeah.

MUSIC PLAYS, AUDIENCE CLAPS

Yeah. Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's the thing, yeah.

Oi, should get the point for that.

Well, shall we treat ourselves to a look at

the iconic '90s hilarious dance?

It's pretty good. It still delivers. Have a look.

MUSIC: It's Not Unusual by Tom Jones

# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

# It's not unusual to have fun with anyone

# But when I see you hanging about with anyone... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, yeah.

Points, points, points. No, no, we don't get points.

Why don't you get points? We pretty much put...

I need to be truthful and honest. We just put Carlton.

Yeah, that'll do. Will it do? Oh, great. Jamie, shut up.

Oh, no, no, because, no,

because at least we can leave here being seen as just sort of honest.

LAUGHTER

You just got full points, you're gonna win.

But it doesn't feel right.

OK. It's time for another bonus question and to help me,

please welcome my very own Masked Singers.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

These four are all former talent show contestants

who are wearing masks from TV shows.

All I want you to do is write down the character of the mask

and the person underneath.

Oh, right. Character of the mask, person underneath.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh!

There's three TV characters, four Masked Singers.

OK, so have you all got characters?

Have you all got singers written down? Yes. Yes.

OK, so the first one, what did you put?

Trini from Power Rangers.

Trini, yeah. We would have accepted "the yellow one".

Did you get the yellow one?

Yeah, we got the yellow one, Sabertooth.

Jimmy, we just put Power Rangers.

Yeah, that's fine. OK, Power Rangers.

Who do you think those masks are in the middle?

Squid Game/The Cube.

LAUGHTER

OK, what did you put?

Squid Game. Squid Game.

Squid Game. OK, Squid Game.

And this one, the one closest to me?

Doctor Who, Cyberman.

Cyberman, we put... Doctor Who. Yeah, we put that.

So it was the Cyberman from Doctor Who.

Who was underneath? Did you get this?

Yes, we did. Yes. Oh, who do you think?

I thought the yellow one could only be Honey G.

Honey G, who I get mistaken for a lot.

All right, and then, what, did the others get that?

Honey G, yeah. Honey G.

Yellow Power Ranger, take your mask off.

ALL: Take it off, take it off. Take it off. Take it off. Take off.

Hey! It's Honey G.

Honey G! Honey G,

who I believe Daisy May Cooper is keeping for parts.

OK. The middle ones,

I'd be surprised if you didn't get this.

It's The Cheeky Girls. # I'm the cheeky girls. #

OK, so Squid Games, if you take off your masks now.

ALL: Take it off, take it off, take it off.

CHEERING

And then, who's this fine figure of a man?

Wagner. We went for Chico.

GASPING Of It's Chico Time.

RUSSELL: Oh, it is, it is. Chico Time!

What did you write down? We just put The Voice.

OK.

ALL: Take it off, take it off. Take it off.

CHEERING

Chico, everyone.

Very nice to have you all here. Thank you.

Are you all still performing? Yeah. Yeah, still performing.

Can you rap for us, rap?

# H to the O... # Oh!

# To the N to the E, to the Y

# To the G, it's Honey G

# H to the O, to the N

# To the E, to the Y, to the G

# It's Honey G

# When I say Honey, you say G

# Honey ALL: # G

# Honey ALL: # G... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Cheeky Girls, can you still dance and sing?

We can still dance and sing, yes.

# I'm a cheeky girl... #

Do you want to come here and do it? Yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've lost all control here.

ALL: # We are the cheeky girls We are the cheeky girls

# You are the cheeky boys You are the cheeky boys

# Cheeky, cheeky Cheeky, cheeky... #

CHEERING

I mean, sure, sure.

All right, at the end of that,

let's see what it's done to the scores.

OK, so, in last place, currently, Russell and Babatunde,

with 19 points.

Judi and Daisy have 22.

Out in the lead, Jaime and Natasia, with 37 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time for a break now.

Please give it up for our special guests, Honey G,

The Cheeky Girls and Chico. What time is it, Chico?

# It's Chico time. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Pop the kettle on, it's Chico time. We'll be back in five.

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz of Telly.

If you're still with us, I can only assume it's not bedtime yet,

or the batteries in the remote have broken.

This next round is all about science on telly.

Television went from black-and-white to colour in 1967,

although looking at the presenters back then,

they did keep it mainly white.

In 2007,

Channel 4 launched medical reality series Embarrassing Bodies,

and the main takeaway from Embarrassing Bodies was that

you definitely shouldn't watch it whilst eating your takeaway.

Notable episodes of Embarrassing Bodies included

Man Producing Breast Milk and Bloke With Micro Penis.

What can I say? I was young and I was excited to be on TV.

All right, time for some questions on science on TV.

Netflix '80s throwback Stranger Things

sees the children of Hawkins pitted against evil monsters

from an alternative dimension, the Upside Down.

The three main monsters are based on characters from

Dungeons and Dragons. Can you name them?

The three main monsters from Stranger Things.

Back in 2009, Benedict Cumberbatch narrated

a BBC Two Natural History documentary called South Pacific.

His voiceover attracted online ridicule, but can you remember why?

I don't think he's real.

He was invented to trick Americans.

Yeah. Do you think?

Imagine going to school being called Benedict Cumberbatch.

Question three in this round, all about science.

What do Phil Mitchell's shooting,

the first Pop Idol final

and the 1990 World Cup semifinal all have in common?

They all fucking happened on a Sunday.

How were you in the lead at any point?

OK. Final question in this round,

we go across to the one and only Mr Stephen Fry.

Hello, Jimmy. Looking good, aren't I?

Now, I played C, the head of MI6 in Doctor Who,

so I know my Sonic Screwdriver from my Sisterhood of Karn,

but can your teams tell me what the Doctor's vehicle,

TARDIS, stands for?

OK, so Stephen wants to know what Doctor Who's TARDIS stands for.

Right, time for some answers.

OK. So I asked you to name

the three monsters from Stranger Things.

Judi, Daisy, I imagine you got this right. Super-easy, go on.

Vecna. Yep. Oh!

Question mark, Daffodil.

Vecna, question mark, daffodil.

OK, well, one of those is right.

Jamie, Natasia?

Kevin.

And then two, Dirty Rainbows. And three, Demogorgon.

Demogorgon is right.

So, Vecna, Demogorgon. Russell, Babatunde?

Clare Balding.

Which one do you think's Clare Balding?

The one in the middle, that's Clare Balding.

That's what she can summon.

That's not Clare Balding,

but when Clare Balding is enraged,

like, if someone steals her parking space at Waitrose... Bang!

..she's trying to iron in, someone just goes in,

before you know it, shram!

The answer is actually the Mind Flayer,

but you're so close, yeah. Oh! Yeah, well, you know,

you say potato, I say Clare Balding.

So it was Vecna,

the Mind Flayer and the third is Demogorgon.

I asked you why Benedict Cumberbatch's voiceover

for a BBC documentary attracted online ridicule.

What did you all put?

We put that he looks like an otter.

Yeah, but it was a voiceover, so.

All right, Daisy, Judi?

He sounded like a seal.

Jaime, Natasia? Pengwongs.

He kept calling penguins pengwongs,

like he had something up his nose.

It's exactly the right answer. RUSSELL: Oh, there you go.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, let's take a listen, shall we?

And the last thing you might expect to see here...

is pengwings.

These are Fjordland crested pengwings,

named after this corner of South New Zealand,

and their funky hairdo.

So why are these woodlands so attractive to pengwings?

A freshwater steam through the forest

makes a handy highway for a parent pengwing heading home

from a fishing trip with a crop full of food.

He sounds so plausible, though,

you kind of wanna go with it. Yeah.

Maybe I've been getting it wrong all these years.

Well, I think we can rest assured it's not pangwongs.

You almost want the penguin to go, "It's penguin, you dick."

OK. I asked you what Phil Mitchell's shooting,

the first Pop Idol final

and the 1990 World Cup semifinal have in common? Did you get this?

Was it like that millions of tellies were on,

because they were like, massive,

it was watched and there were like kettles being boiled?

That is it. OK, what did you get?

You rushed us and I just wrote

"the thing when Lineker did a poo on the pitch."

And you think that also happened when Phil Mitchell was shot.

I don't know, I don't know. And the first Pop Idol final,

we think Gary Lineker did a shit in it?

Well, they're all scary moments.

Judi, Daisy?

All happened on a Sunday.

And you think they're the only three things

that have ever happened on TV on a Sunday?

Well, I think they all happened on a Sunday

and it was quite a massive event. It had lots of, like, kettles on.

On that particular Sunday.

Some bullshit going on. OK.

Each caused kettle power surges, known as TV pick up.

It's the moment during a popular TV event

when viewers unwittingly cause a huge surge of demand

for electricity on the National Grid

by boiling the kettle at the same time. Points over there.

Good.

Finally for this round,

Stephen Fry asked you what TARDIS stands for.

Did you all get this?

Yes. OK, what have you got?

Massive but small.

A grower, not a shower kind of thing?

No, just, you go in, you think it's small,

you go in there, it's fucking massive.

So, Jamie, Natasia?

Yeah, Teleportation And Really Dangerous Incredible Shed.

You'd make a sort of great Doctor Who, I think.

RUSSELL: Oh, he would. Thank you. Yes. Oh, he would.

Don't you think you'd be amazing as Doctor Who? You'd be incredible.

That feels great.

Babatunde, Russell, what did you get?

Travelling Around Regularly Dropping Intrigue, Spectacular...

It was the same mechanism, not as good.

It stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

Oh, lovely, yeah.

OK, time now for a special bonus round.

Here are some classic TV moments which have been subtly improved.

You probably won't notice the difference.

We're gonna play in the clip. All I want you to do is

tell me what TV character I've replaced.

The character name is what we're looking for.

Here's the first one.

When I'm an old man, I think I'll look like Pat Butcher. Oh!

OK, what answers have we got?

Frank Butcher.

Well, if you can speak like that,

why don't you always speak like that? Did you like that?

Lovely. Jamie and Natasia?

Frank Butcher.

OK. And?

All right, I was gonna write Butcher,

but you guys stopped it when I made, like...

When I was supposed to finish it. So it looks like Frank Bu.

OK, Frank Butcher, OK, points, points, points.

It was me as Frank Butcher, seducing Pat Butcher in Eastenders.

Here's the original steamy moment.

That's me.

Basically the same. My God, that's you in 20 years.

That's me now if I hadn't had the work done.

All right, let's go. Next one.

Officers of your rank normally appreciate politics

as much as policing.

Yes.

I'm interested in one thing and one thing only.

And that's bent coppers.

OK, what's the character name?

I don't know his name, but he does say "Mother of God" a lot.

So that's two, two points, please.

He goes, "Mother of God."

Judi, Daisy?

PC World.

It's not right, no.

No, it's Line of Duty, right? And he's PC World.

Oh, no, I got it, but it's not right.

OK, did you get this, Natasia?

I said, H. Cos he's something H.

SHE GASPS

I can't remember the rest of it.

Line of Duty. Line of Duty. H.

It was me as passionately determined cop

Ted Hastings in full boss mode in Line of Duty.

There's no difference on this one, look. There.

Wow.

All right, now, this next one, it's highly erotic,

is all I'm gonna say. Good luck.

You're a pretty lad.

Girls would claw each other's eyes out to get naked with you.

Walk.

I could teach you how to do it.

I know how to do it.

You know nothing, Jon Snow.

OK, so did you all get that? What was the character called?

She was either called Yvette, Ingrid,

or to be safe, we had Jon Snow's girlfriend.

Er, Ygritte.

Ygritte, there you go. Yeah.

Did you get it, Jamie and Natasia?

I went for, she married Kit Harington and she has red hair.

Wilding Rose, question mark.

Judi, Daisy, what did you put?

I put Game of Thrones,

one of the sisters that shagged her brother, or cousins, or the king.

It was me as Ygritte,

seducing Jon Snow in Game of Thrones.

Very tense moment. Let's have a look.

I think I wore it better.

All right, let's check in on the scores.

OK. Russell, Babatunde, you've got 24.

Judi, Daisy, you've got 24. Jamie and Natasia,

you've got 40 points, in the lead.

Why? Why?

What happened there?

That's it for this part. See you after the break for the show that,

like a fart on a treadmill, just keeps lingering on.

See you in five.

Welcome back to the final part of The Big Fat Quiz of Telly -

the Water Cooler Round. It's like Doctor Who, isn't it?

We just keep coming back.

In 1982, Channel 4 launched with an episode of Countdown.

Despite being over four decades old, Channel 4 still fulfils

and incredibly important role in today's broadcasting landscape -

paying my mortgage.

Netflix launched a streaming service in 2007.

It's incredible. Personally, I can't believe they offer

all those TV shows, films and comedy specials and all for the low,

low price of knowing the maiden name of your next door neighbour.

Sitcom Only Fools And Horses started in 1981.

Del Boy wanted to be a social climber.

But, for him, going upmarket meant going up the market.

Only Fools And Horses was the first-ever British TV show

to come with a Trigger warning.

That's all right. That's all right.

But it was just to warn viewers that Trigger was in it.

'90s sitcom Friends was about, well, friends living in New York.

The cast were such good friends in real life that after it finished

in 2004, it only took 17 years and two million dollars each

to get them back in a room together.

Basically, inseparable.

All right, final round of questions.

What do Flowery Twats,

Farty Towels and Fatty Owls all have in common?

Flowery Twats, Farty Towels, Fatty Owls.

OK? Second question in the final round.

TOWIE burst onto our TV screens in 2010,

blessing the UK with new words such as "reem" and "vajazzle".

But can you fill in the blanks of this TOWIE mantra?

No what before what?

OK, next up, we've got a question from everyone's favourite TV chef,

Ainsley Harriott.

Hello, Jimmy. Well, I've been cooking on TV for the best part of

30 years and, over that time,

I've pretty much seen and heard it all.

But, back in 2020,

Nigella Lawson managed to surprise everyone.

She was making mashed potato over on BBC Two

and did something that was described

as one of the defining moments of the year,

had viewers in stitches, and Nigella explained herself,

it's a camp joke that became a habit.

What did she do?

OK. So Ainsley wants to know what Nigella Lawson did in 2020

that had viewers howling with laughter

and was described as one of the defining moments of the year.

Final question in this round.

What do James Van Der Beek from Dawson's Creek,

Ian Beale from Eastenders,

Rylan Clark and Kim Kardashian have in common?

They love barging holidays.

All right, everyone finished? Let's have some answers.

I asked you what Flowery Twats,

Farty Towels and Fatty Owls all have in common? Did you get this?

Yes. OK, Jamie, Natasia?

Fawlty Towers sign. They could never get it right.

He's only gone and bloody got it right.

And then, Judi, Daisy, you got Fawlty Towers?

Yes. OK. Yeah, yeah. Fawlty Towers.

Fawlty Towers, let's have a look.

This is the classic inventive running gag.

All right, I asked you to fill in the blanks

of the iconic TOWIE mantra, no what before what?

No GCSEs before coke.

No.

Carbs before Marbs.

OK, Natasia, Jamie?

Carbs, Marbs.

Carbs and Marbs. Adorable.

All right. Yeah, no carbs before Marbs.

Yes. Good.

Ainsley Harriott asked you what Nigella Lawson did

that was described as a defining moment of 2020

and had viewers howling in laughter. What did you all put?

Is that when she pronounced micrawivey, is it that one?

Jamie, Natasia?

Meecro-wavay.

Meecro-wavay. Daisy, Judi?

We just put nip slip.

Let's have a look and see if it's a nip slip.

Now I'm aiming for quite a solid mash at this stage,

but I still need a bit of milk, full fat,

which I've warmed in the meecro-wavay.

Yes, it was when she pronounced microwave as meecro-wavay.

OK. I asked you what James Van Der Beek

from Dawson's Creek, Eastenders' Ian Beale,

Rylan Clark and Kim Kardashian all have in common?

They run a dog fighting syndicate.

Correct answer.

Yeah, they're all involved in dog fighting.

All right, Daisy?

We put, they all lived in motorhomes at one point.

Natasia, Jaime? We... Jaime said they're all humans.

Then I thought, maybe they were all on Dani Minogue's team for XFactor.

You thought Kim Kardashian was on Dani Minogue's team?

She gets about.

I can tell you, their TV crying faces all became memes.

Oh! Ah!

Oh, look at that.

Kim Kardashian's iconic sad meme face there.

James Van Der Beek giving an acting masterclass there.

I don't know what he's upset about. Presumably, his crying face.

All right, let's check in on the scores.

Russell, Babatunde, you've got 26.

Judi, Daisy, you've got 26.

Jaime and Natasia, you're in the lead with 43.

It's all to play for as we go into the final round.

It is ten points per correct answer.

Oh, hello.

Join us as we play Catchphrase with TV catchphrases.

Proper telly, this. OK.

I'm gonna show you three catchphrases

from the world of telly, with the help of TV legend, Mr Chips.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

That's the correct response. OK.

If you think you know the TV catchphrase,

buzz in and answer. OK, fingers on buzzers.

Here's your first Catchphrase of TV catchphrases.

BUZZER

Eat my shorts.

Yes!

Yeah. OK.

You're up to 36 points.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

OK, all right, next one. Buzz in if you think you know the answer.

TV catchphrase, here we go.

What's Mr Chips dressed as?

He's only got one what?

Say what you see.

Yeah?

He's a one-eyed yellow man.

One eye is good, yeah, but, yeah, let's go again.

One o'clock.

Terrible answer. OK, let's go again.

Look what's going on, OK.

What's the job?

BUZZER One-eyed maid? One-eyed maid.

One-eyed maid on the clock.

What's her TV catchphrase?

One-eyed maid and serving... Buzz in.

One-eye maid... One-eyed maiden.

What's a famous thing people say on telly. One-eye maid...?

Oh, yeah! One I made earlier!

One I made earlier! One I made earlier.

I buzzed already.

Jimmy, I buzzed first. He said it first. I said it.

He did. Jimmy, I buzzed first.

I think Russell and Babatunde.

No, they did not.

OK, you've got 36,

you've got 36, you've got 43. It's all on this.

OK. Whoever gets this wins the game.

Here you go. RUSSELL EXHALES HEAVILY

BUZZER

Soggy bottom?

Is the right answer.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

O-o-o-oh, my God!

Well, that's it. Let's check in,

and the final scores are...

36, 36, the winners, with 53, Jamie and Natasia Demetriou.

You've won.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Congratulations.

That's it. A big thank you to our brilliant panel of special guests,

and thank you for watching.

I'm Jimmy Carr. This has been The Big Fat Quiz of Telly.

Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media