Original subtitles

[Theme music]

Theme song: Love.

Exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat.

Soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love.

Won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love!

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

Well, what was that for?

For taking me on this cruise.

It was a wonderful surprise.

Well, you deserve it.

Besides, I know you haven't been too thrilled with me lately.

Can you blame me?

The way you've been carrying on with Jessica?

All I've heard is how beautiful Jessica is, what great legs

she has, how she excites you.

Honey, you know Jessica is the most beautiful

horse I've ever owned.

She's more than a horse.

She's an obsession.

You'd rather be with her than me.

Come on.

I brought you on this cruise, didn't I?

You're right.

Let's make it a second honeymoon.

Who knows-- it might be better than the first one.

What's that?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

I entered Jessica in the race.

You mean this cruise is just an excuse

to get us down to a horse race?

Well, us and Jessica.

Is she on this ship?

Honey, you know how she hates to fly.

I'd better go see how she's doing,

and give her a lump of sugar and an apple.

What about me?

Honey, you had a big breakfast just an hour ago.

Mr. Benson, you're on the fiesta deck, cabin 135.

Well, thank you.

I understand Kim Holland is on this cruise?

Yes.

Miss Holland's presenting the gold cup for the winner

of the acapulco steeplechase.

Oh, good.

I've been a fan of hers ever since her first film.

That's why I'm on this cruise.

To meet her.

Oh.

Are you sure you want to?

On the TV news they said she was voted

the sour apple award for being most uncooperative

actress in Hollywood.

Maybe she hasn't met the right person to cooperate with.

Well, Mr. Benson, if you think you're

the one miss Holland's been waiting for,

why don't you ask her?

Here she is now.

Miss Holland, can we have some pictures, please?

Good, that's good. To the left.

Hold it.

Big smile.

Oh, good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I think that'll be enough.

Just one more, please, miss Holland?

I said that will be enough.

Thank you.

Ah, miss Holland.

I'm captain stubing, and this is--

how do you do?

I, uh, hope you'll do me the honor of dining

at the captain's table?

I'm afraid not, captain.

I've come on this cruise to present the cup to the winner

of the acapulco steeplechase.

That will be my only public appearance.

I'm going to be having my meals in my cabin.

I've heard of people being frozen after death,

but never in the prime of life.

Miss Holland, could I have a word with you for a minute?

It's very important.

You'll have to make an appointment with my secretary.

Hey, here he comes, guys.

Grant Garrett, welcome back to the states.

George, you can take those to the cabin.

Does this mean your affair with the Princess is over?

Well, it depends.

Which Princess do you mean?

Grant, Cosmopolitan recently voted you the world's

most eligible bachelor.

Any comment?

Yes.

The campaigning sure was fun.

Mr. Garrett, why would a man with your wealth and power

want to ride a horse in a steeplechase race?

Well, because without a horse, the best I can come in

is second.

Thank you.

Welcome aboard, Mr. Garrett.

We're happy to have you with us. -Thank you.

It's my pleasure. -This is Dr. Adam bricker.

-How do you do, sir? -Doctor.

And junie McCoy, our cruise director.

How do you do?

Well, if all the sights are this lovely,

this should be a wonderful trip.

Why, thank you.

Captain, I wonder if you could spare miss McCoy to show me

around your magnificent ship?

Of course he can. She can.

Uh, sir?

As you wish.

Excellent.

Give me a few minutes to get my sea legs,

and we'll rendezvous in, say, half an hour, all right?

Fine.

See you later.

Bye bye.

Bye.

What an interesting man.

Well, the only thing he seems to be interested in is you.

Well, maybe that's why he's so interesting.

Oh, i-- I hate to interfere in your private life,

but where are gopher and Isaac?

Oh, they said they had to tend to somebody very big.

A vip.

Oh.

Well, it can't be miss Holland or Mr. Garrett.

They were just here.

Well, maybe there's even a bigger passenger aboard?

What?

Hurry up before captain stubing sees us.

Get him into the cargo hold.

We should have loaded him on with all the other horses.

Will you stop complaining?

When we win the steeplechase, we'll be rich and famous.

Yeah, and if we lose, we'll be poor and unemployed.

Look, they're here!

The village people!

(Singing) In the Navy.

Yes, you can sail the seven seas.

In the Navy.

Yes, you can put your mind at ease.

In the Navy.

Come on, people, and make a stand.

In the Navy.

In the Navy.

In the Navy.

Come on, protect the motherland.

In the Navy.

Come on and join your fellow man.

In the Navy.

Come on, people, and make a stand.

In the Navy.

In the Navy!

In the Navy.

All right!

[Applause]

You know, I knew if we sang "in the Navy" long enough,

we'd finally get here.

Yeah, well too bad we didn't sing "if I were a rich man."

Welcome aboard, fellas.

Thank you.

This is a hot looking ship, captain.

Thank you.

Aw, but too bad it's double parked.

Hey, is it true you guys are going to race

a horse in the steeplechase?

Right.

We got one horse, and six saddles.

It's a very long horse.

You are going to sing for us, aren't you?

Yes.

Only if you join the group.

That's a crazy looking hat, man.

Enjoy your cruise, gentlemen.

Thank you. See you all later.

Welcome aboard.

Glad to have you with us.

Seems like a regular bunch of fellas.

Uh-huh.

In the Navy.

Hello.

Hi.

So, that's Jessica?

That's right.

16 hands, and all winner.

You ever seen her race?

Oh, I sure have.

And I am very impressed.

I'm cliff Logan.

Oh, Paul Willis.

You know, I own a few horses myself,

but I'm not entered in the steeplechase.

That field is too fast.

Not for Jessica.

She's gonna win.

Well, you might be right.

Tell you what I will do-- I'll give you 75,000 for her.

Oh, she's not for sale.

100,000?

Sorry.

Hey, but it's nice to meet a fellow horseman.

Hey, why don't you join my wife and me for dinner tonight?

Why, I'd love that.

Thanks very much.

You know, she is an incredible creature.

Well, I'm anxious to meet her.

You just did.

Pardon me?

You mean my wife?

She's nice, too.

Oh.

Hi.

Hello.

Hey, Isaac?

Yeah.

Isaac, somebody just offered that guy

$100,000 for his horse.

Well, you must be hearing things.

He must have said house.

Ah, just as I thought.

I knew if I followed you, it'd lead me here.

Hey, doc.

Say hi to the next winner of the acapulco stakes.

Stakes?

He couldn't win a meatloaf.

Are you guys out of your minds?

You don't know anything about horses.

What's to know?

You feed 'em, you brush 'em.

And you race 'em.

I'm glad to see I'm dealing with a couple of experts.

I must admit, though, he is kind of handsome.

Does he have a name?

Yeah.

We're thinking of calling him captain stubing.

Good idea.

That way the captain might think twice before he throws

all three of you off the ship.

Oh, the captain won't mind, doc.

-No? -No.

Because he ain't gonna find out.

This is our lido deck area, Mr. Garrett.

Please, that's the 10th time you've called me Mr. Garrett.

That's much too formal.

A simple "your highness" will do.

Tell me more about yourself, Julie.

Oh, gee, I don't know what to say.

Um-- I come from a close family in a small town in Oregon.

My mom's a great cook, and-- boy, this

must sound really dull to you.

Not at all.

In fact, I'm jealous. -Hm?

The only time my mother got near the kitchen

was to fire the chef.

Close your eyes.

What?

Just close your eyes.

Now, quick.

What's the first thing that pops into your mind

when you think of your childhood?

Oh um-- poached salmon and red sneakers.

Poached salmon and red sneakers?

Yeah.

The two things I used to love most

were taking hikes in the woods in my old red sneakers,

and then coming home to eat my mom's poached salmon.

Now it's your turn.

Close your eyes.

Now, what's the first thing that pops into your mind?

How much I'd love to have dinner with you tonight.

Ah.

You're on.

[Knocking]

Yes?

Oh, you must be Kim Holland's secretary?

Yes?

Well, my name is Tom Benson, and she told me to talk

to you about talking to her?

She always tells people that.

Then I get lumbered with them.

Could you ask her if she'd like to have dinner with me tonight?

Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible.

She'll be dining in her cabin.

Miss, I'm afraid you don't understand.

I have wanted to meet Kim Holland for years.

That's the only reason why I took this cruise.

And I'll tell you something else--

I'm going to sit down right here in her doorway

until she at least agrees to have a drink with me.

Would you tell miss Holland that I eagerly await her reply?

Excuse me.

Ah, Mrs. Willis.

Enjoying yourself, I hope?

I'd be enjoying it more if my husband were here.

Must be a lot of that going around.

I seem to have misplaced some of my crew.

Ah, here you go, Mrs. Willis.

Gin and tonic.

Isaac, where have you been?

I've been looking for you and gopher everywhere.

Well, you know how it is, captain.

Big ship, lots of thirsty passengers.

Lots of things to do.

It's amazing.

I hardly ever see my crew anymore.

You're lucky they don't have a horse, or you'd never see them.

You're the winner.

Terrific.

Miss Holland says she'll meet you promptly

at 7:30, in the dining room.

Let's make it 7:35.

I just want to play hard to get.

[Knocking]

Oh, they're gorgeous.

Thank you.

Well, well, well.

I didn't know it was national cruise directors week.

Who are they from?

I don't know.

Let's see.

They're from Grant.

Garrett?

Oh, they're beautiful.

And romantic.

Julie, don't you think he's a little mature for you?

Why, that's the silliest thing I ever heard.

Besides, there's nothing between us.

Except maybe 30 years.

See you at dinner?

You should see, the first time I

saw Jessica she was in this stall, and we-- thank you.

And that made the fifth race in a row that we won.

Oh, I know.

I saw that race.

You know, Jessica takes those water jumps

better than any filly alive.

Now look, are you sure she's not for sale?

110,000.

No way.

Jessica is the most important thing in my life.

[Clearing throat]

What's the matter, honey?

Something caught in your throat?

A horsehair.

Will you look at us?

Talking shop, and rudely ignoring your lovely wife.

Louise, will you please forgive us?

Of course.

Paul gets so wrapped up in Jessica.

And all because I haven't won a race in a few weeks.

Paul, you are a lucky guy.

Oh, you know it.

Jessica does a quarter in 25 flat.

Mr. Benson?

Ah, yes?

I'm afraid miss Holland won't be able to join you after all.

Oh, no.

She's feeling a bit under the weather.

So sorry.

Ah, miss, wait?

Maybe you'd like to join me for a drink?

I'd hate to see a perfectly good bottle of wine go to waste.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I simply must get back.

No wine?

Then how about some dinner?

I really don't have time, Mr. Benson.

Well, if you don't want to drink,

and you don't want to have some dinner,

maybe we can just sit for a while?

I'd hate to think I was rejected by two beautiful women in one

night.

All right.

One quick drink.

Terrific. Here you are.

Thank you.

Here's to us.

By the way, what's your name?

Doris.

Doris Wilson.

Doris.

I wonder what happened to Mr. Garrett?

You sure he's coming, Julie?

Well, I'm not sure, sir, but he did say he was coming.

Hm.

Well, first Kim Holland refuses my invitation,

then Mr. Garrett doesn't show up.

Doesn't sitting at the captain's table

count for anything anymore?

Thank you.

Sir, would you excuse me, please?

Mr. Garret wants to see me.

Isaac!

Gopher, please, that's my pouring arm.

It's captain stubing.

He's making funny noises.

Well, it's his ship.

Not that captain captain stubing!

The horse captain stubing.

I think he's sick.

Uh-oh.

Come on, we'd better get doc.

Right.

Hold this.

-Good evening, sir. -Hi, sir.

Excuse us.

Uh, doc, we need you.

One of our passengers is not feeling well.

Well, just how serious is it?

I don't know.

He can't talk.

Oh.

Sore throat, huh?

Uh, yeah, doc.

He's a little hoarse.

Well, tell him to gargle with some salt water,

and I'll be by to see him after dinner.

Well, that might be too late, doc.

He keeps going like this.

Oh, chills too?

You know, I had that same thing last week.

Must be going around.

I don't think it's quite the same thing.

You think you could see him now, doc?

He's chomping at the bit.

That passenger?

Oh, I guess I shouldn't stall him any longer.

Right.

Excuse me, merrill, Vicki.

Duty calls.

Excuse us, sir.

Excuse me.

Well, Vicki, it's you and me.

Dad, may I be excused?

I'm not very hungry.

Fine.

Goodnight.

Fine.

They're right.

It is lonely at the top.

[Knocking]

Grant, is anything wro--

I hope you don't mind, but I thought

we'd dine alone tonight.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh--

I always decorate to suit the company.

Flowers?

Candle light?

Champagne?

What more could a girl ask for?

A gentleman?

Oh, I can't believe this.

That's not all.

My [inaudible] to bring you the one dish that I know

will remind you of home.

Oh, I know what that is.

Poached salmon.

That's as close as I could get to red with one

bottle of mercurochrome.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm?

Mm.

That's strange.

I knew it.

I knew it!

What's wrong?

His heartbeat's playing "camptown races."

Be serious, doc.

How can I be?

I don't know anything about horses.

I'm a people doctor.

Doc, this is our life savings!

Ok, ok.

I'm sorry.

I'll do my best.

Excuse me.

Let's see, now.

Come here.

Hang on, now.

Yes.

Eyes clear.

Excuse me, these are fingers, not carrots.

Yeah, that's good.

Well, color's pretty good.

Well, what's the story?

I don't know how to break this to you guys,

but as far as I can see, captain stubing

here is healthy as a horse.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a cold dinner waiting.

Doc, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Now, you're not gonna give him any pills, or anything?

He doesn't need anything.

Well, maybe just some fresh air and exercise, but of course,

on a ship that's impossible.

Later.

Fresh air and exercise?

Yeah, but like doc says, on a ship that's impossible.

Not when you're training a steeplechase champion.

You're being awfully quiet.

You're thinking of Kim Holland, aren't you?

Yes.

I'm thinking how glad I am to be here with you, instead of her.

Oh really, now?

Well, I mean it.

I know she's glamorous and beautiful,

and a big movie star, but you're much nicer.

Besides, you're just as beautiful.

My, what a lovely speech.

I almost believe it.

You can believe it.

I wouldn't even know how to lie to a woman.

You know, women used to throw me into a state of panic.

When did all this change?

Thanks to you.

About three hours ago.

If I didn't know better, i'd say Julie was falling in love.

Yeah, she's been dancing for 20 minutes,

and her feet still haven't touched the ground.

Come on, gentlemen.

I think you're exaggerating.

I don't know, merrill.

There's only two things that can make

a guy look that happy-- being in love,

or watching an ex-wife remarry.

I tell ya, captain, something's definitely going on.

Yeah, and let's not forget that Grant Garrett has

a reputation for being one of the world's

great women womanizers.

Yeah, now that bothers me.

Oh, don't worry, Adam.

You're still in the top five.

But maybe it wouldn't hurt if I cut in for just one dance.

You know, if Julie's really falling in love,

you can't blame her.

That Grant Garrett is quite a guy.

Yeah, that's what I want to be when I grow up.

May I cut in?

Of course.

It's nice to see your captain has such good taste.

Sir?

Julie.

I'm a little concerned about you.

Oh?

Grant Garrett has a reputation of being

an international playboy.

I don't want to see you get hurt.

Ah, well, maybe you haven't noticed lately, sir,

but I'm a big girl now.

Don't worry.

Showtime.

Oh.

Thank you.

If you'll all take your seats, we have

a very special treat tonight.

Hello.

Good evening.

Lovely gal.

One of the horses entered in tomorrow's acapulco

steeplechase is called magic night, which also

happens to be the title of a hit record

by the owners of that horse.

So for that special treat, they're going

to sing it for us tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, that very exciting vocal group,

the village people.

[Applause]

[Music playing]

(Singing) Magic night!

Magic's in the music.

It's a magic night.

We all need to use it.

We can have a good time, and enjoy all the magical vibes

on this great-- when I'm with my friends,

there's magic in the air.

Good vibrations always surround us.

Play some good music, the moment has flair.

Happiness and joy's everywhere.

Magic night!

Magic's in the music.

It's a magic night.

We all need to use it.

We can have a good time, and enjoy all the magical vibes

on this great-- magic night!

Good friends all around you.

It's a magic night.

Magic sure will find you.

So let's all try tonight to feel love

coming from inside each other.

When I'm with my friends, friends

with whom I can share all my ups and downs, inbetweens with.

When I'm with loved ones, the moments are dear.

So much love is found in the air.

Magic night!

Good friends all around you.

It's a magic night.

Magic sure will find you.

So let's all join tonight, and feel love

coming from inside each other.

So much magic!

So much magic!

Magic night!

[Applause]

Darling?

Yeah?

Have you changed yet?

All set.

Gotta put Jessica to bed.

Won't be long.

You're leaving me now?

This is our time to be together.

Well honey, you could go with me.

You wouldn't know what to do.

Neither do you!

I really had a lovely time, Tom.

If memory serves me correctly, this

is the scene where you're supposed to invite me

in for an after dinner drink?

After all, dinner and dancing did go rather well.

It is, they did, and I'd love to.

But Kim is in there.

I almost forgot about her.

I'm afraid I'm going to be too busy to fit

her into my schedule.

Do you think she'll be too disappointed?

I'll break it to her gently.

But she might want to know what's suddenly

taking up all your time.

Well, for starters, I have a date

to go into acapulco tomorrow.

Oh?

Who's the lucky girl?

You.

I mean, you-- will I see you tomorrow?

I mean, you-- will I see you tomorrow?

Oh, yes.

Kim doesn't know what she missed tonight.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Oh, Kim, I think you're heading for trouble.

[Knocking]

Forget your key, Paul?

You remember to kiss your horse goodnight,

but you forget your darn key.

Oh, hi, Louise.

Is, uh, Paul busy?

I just wanted to, uh-- oh, I guess he is busy.

Sorry.

He's busy, all right.

With Jessica.

Instead of with you?

The man is demented.

Thank you.

I like to think so.

Well, I'll, uh-- I'll catch you at breakfast.

Right.

He'll be the one with the feed bag.

[Knocking]

Listen, Louise, I was wondering, uh,

could I interest you in a nightcap,

and maybe a little dancing?

Right now?

Why not?

What about Paul?

Oh, no, no, no.

Three for dancing?

That's no fun.

You're on, cliff.

I'll change.

Good.

All right, dear husband.

You run your race, and I'll run mine.

Camptown racetrack, five miles long.

Doo dah.

[Humming]

Well, where are you taking me?

Over here.

Need the moonlight for this.

Oh?

What are you talking about?

Now, this is perfect.

Gentle ocean breeze, sound of the waves.

Soft moonlight in your hair.

It's the perfect setting.

For what?

For this.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Oh-- oh, Grant.

Grant, I can't accept this.

Not even from your future husband?

I'm not the kind of man to hesitate

when I see something I want.

I want you for my wife.

Oh, but--

it'll be great for us, Julie.

We'll have the kind of life other people just dream about.

We'll go wherever we want, do whatever we please.

Life is full of chances.

Take this one, and I promise you'll never regret it.

Oh--

don't give me an answer now.

Sleep on it tonight.

Tell me tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Night.

[Neighing]

-Come on, it's all clear. -It oughta be.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

You sure we should be doing this?

Hey, now listen, man.

Doc said that captain stubing needs exercise.

Well, why can't he just do some pushups in his stall?

Captain stubing!

Come on!

Captain stubing-- no, no, no.

The other way.

The other way.

Come on.

Come on, captain.

Captain stubing, you're not listening!

Isaac: Come on, captain stubing.

Captain, come on!

This is captain stubing!

Who's calling me?

Oh, no.

Oh--

here, here, here.

Captain stubing, come on.

Come on!

Come on, man!

Let's go.

Come on, man!

Hurry up!

Did someone call the captain?

Come on.

Good evening, sir.

Splendid evening, isn't it?

Did you hear someone calling me?

I didn't hear anything. Did you hear anything?

I didn't hear anything.

We didn't hear anything.

Well then, uh, did you hear a horse running around here?

On deck?

Uh, sir, what would a horse be doing on deck?

I don't know.

I just heard a lot of clop, clop, clopping.

Oh, uh--

well sir, sir, I was just showing

Isaac a tapdance routine from an old Fred Astaire movie.

-Bojangles. -Bojangles movie.

Yeah.

And a 1, 2, 1, 2, 3--

[shouting]

Clop, clop, clop, clop!

He's gone!

Paul?

Darling?

Ah!

What's the matter?

What is this saddle doing in bed with me?

-I was cleaning it. -Oh--

hey, careful!

You might scratch the hide.

What about my hide?

You don't care anything about me.

You don't care that I went dancing with cliff last night.

Oh, is that where you were?

Look, Louise, there's no reason you

shouldn't have a good time while I'm busy getting

ready for the race.

Paul, we have to talk.

Right now.

No, no, no, honey.

Gotta get Jessica ready for the big race.

I'll see you later.

Incredible.

The horse sees fine, but the owner wears blinders.

Gopher, wake up.

Captain, what--

shh!

You find him yet?

No.

How could we lose a horse?

Stubing: I want that mess cleaned up immediately!

I will not tolerate that on my ship.

-Something wrong, sir? -Everything is wrong.

The supply room looks like a truck has run through it.

Someone broke in and took every carrot

and apple from the galley.

Uh, sir?

Maybe you should have us make an extra large Waldorf salad?

Gentlemen, I want you to find out who is responsible,

and bring him to my cabin at once.

Yes, sir!

Boy, that was too close for comfort.

Whoa!

Come on!

We gotta get him back to the hold.

This way.

This way.

Come on!

Come on!

Help me!

Come on.

Come on!

Come on.

Hey, where are we taking him?

Downstairs!

[Knocking]

Who is it?

Stubing: Captain stubing.

Yes, captain?

I, uh, just dropped by to tell miss Holland that the ship's

photographer's waiting for her.

Miss Holland agreed to do some publicity for the line.

She's not here.

She's on the, uh, lido deck.

Are you sure?

I was just there.

Oh, I'm positive.

I just spoke with her on the telephone.

Ah.

The reason I'm here personally is because the phones have

been out of order all morning.

Oh.

Well, I rather suppose this calls for an explanation.

Won't you come in, captain?

My survival kit.

I put these on, and i'm no longer Kim Holland.

Nor am I hassled, ogled, or pawed.

They're my freedom.

It's remarkable.

You know, it's funny, captain.

I have been using Doris merely as a shield,

but today-- oh, today there's no one else I'd rather be.

Because Doris has a very special date in acapulco.

I'm sorry for upsetting your plans.

I guess I'm stuck with being Kim Holland today.

Now, obviously this man doesn't know that Doris

and Kim are one and the same?

No, he doesn't.

Well, when he finds out, it could be quite a blow to him.

You may be right, captain.

I really don't want to hurt him.

Nor yourself.

You know, the Hollywood life is very foreign to me,

but it seems that being a star has some disadvantages, too.

Yes, it has.

Living two lives must be very difficult.

Perhaps the answer is for you to decide

who you really want to be-- Doris,

the unknown-- Kim, the star.

[Knocking]

Doris?

Let's get an early start for the races.

[Knocking] Doris, are you in there?

She's not here.

I don't know where she is.

He what?

He asked me to marry him.

He asked you to marry him?

Well, does anyone know?

They do now.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I think I just need some time alone to think.

Doc, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Have you heard the news?

Grant Garrett asked Julie to marry him.

He what?

Sorry.

You have got to be kidding.

No, I know it sounds incredible, but it's true.

What does?

Grant Garrett asked Julie McCoy to marry him.

He what?

He's old enough to be her father.

Gentlemen, let's pay Grant Garrett a little visit, hm?

-Excuse me? -Yes?

What do you want?

Well, I've been looking all over for your, uh, secretary.

Do you know where she is?

Yes.

I sent her home.

You what?

She was spending far too much time on personal matters.

Besides, I don't need her here.

Well, did she leave a note for me?

Sorry.

Yeah, I bet you are.

Can you turn just a bit to your left, miss Holland?

[Knocking]

Mr. Garrett.

Can we talk to you a minute, sir?

Well, you've come to wish me luck in the steeplechase?

How nice.

No, Mr. Garrett.

We want to know what your intentions are with our Julie.

Oh.

Well, quite simply, my intentions are to marry her.

But you just met her.

I'll handle this.

But you just met her.

Don't you believe in love at first sight?

Well, the way we hear it, this isn't

exactly your first first sight.

Well, the fact is you're just so much-- uh--

well, what doc is trying to see is Julie is a lot--

she's a lot, uh--

would you like to give it a try?

I know there's a big difference in our ages.

But what's more important, the amount

of time you spend with somebody, or the quality of that time?

I know Julie and I won't be together forever,

but I promise I'll make the most of the time we do have.

I want her to be with me.

Well, couldn't you just adopt her?

I love Julie.

If she agrees to marry me, I hope

you'll be happy for both of us.

Well, I guess all we can do is wish her luck.

Julie's the one with the good luck.

What?

She's got friends like you, who really care about her.

Captain, everyone is excited about the race this afternoon.

I understand there's more than the race to be excited about.

Oh?

I heard Grant Garrett proposed to you last night.

You heard about that, too?

Now, how does news get around so fast?

[Fanfare]

Well, that's one way.

Sir, you know what the trouble with Grant Garrett is?

Hm?

He's perfect!

Ok, captain stubing, which side do you want your part on?

Safe at last.

The captain and everybody's gone ashore.

Good. Let's get going.

Wait. Wait.

This is a big day in our life, and I just

want you to know something.

I'm glad you're my buddy.

Hey, same goes for me.

Well, you'd better put on your jockey suit.

Wanna run that by me again?

I said, you'd better put on your jockey suit.

What did you say?

I said something very similar to that.

What do you mean, I'd better put on my jockey suit?

I am not getting on this horse.

You are.

Is there somebody else in this room?

Cause I know you ain't talking to me.

I thought you were going to ride this horse.

I thought you were going to ride him.

I haven't been on a horse since I posed for a picture on a pony

when I was six years old.

Well, that puts you one up on me.

Well, that just cuts it then, man.

Forget the race, forget everything.

Wait a minute, gopher. Now, wait a minute.

We just can't quit.

Come on, now.

We've got too much at stake.

One of us has got to get up on that horse.

I agree.

You do it.

Gopher.

Gopher, we don't have time to argue.

Now, let's do this fairly.

I'll flip a coin.

Loser rides.

Agreed.

I'll toss, you call.

Tails never fails.

Announcer: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to portillo park, for the 10th annual acapulco

steeplechase.

[Spanish]

It's so beautiful down here, and the track, as usual, is fast.

It should be an exciting race.

It is 10 minutes to post time, the jockeys

are in final preparation, walking up their horses.

Junie, my love, wish me luck.

I'll do better than that.

There's no way I can lose now.

I think I'd better go find a good seat.

I'll see you in the winner's circle.

Ok, come on, now.

Let's get it on.

How can I get it on when I keep falling off?

Didn't he ever ride before?

Yeah, but only in a Pontiac.

I told you we should have got seatbelts for this thing.

Wait a minute.

I thought an Indian was supposed to ride bareback?

I'm not taking my clothes off.

I had to trade Manhattan island for this outfit.

Just let the horse know who's boss.

All right, you're the boss.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now post time.

The jockeys will be bringing their horses

to the starting line, and the race will be getting under way

in just a few moments.

[Spanish]

Hi.

Oh, Judy, have you seen Isaac or gopher?

No.

--[Inaudible] The horse by his neck.

Listen, gopher's gonna be all right.

You just bring him on in home.

Hey!

I'll see you later. -Wait a minute.

Where are you going?

I'm going on to the starting line and watching you start.

[Shouting]

Right!

Announcer: Here come the riders now.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give them a big hand.

Leading the field is our grand master,

senor Roberto Carlos De Garcia, riding the horse royal star.

Isaac, there you are.

Come watch the race with us.

-No thanks, captain. -But I insist.

It's the best spot in the house.

You don't want to miss this, do you?

It could be very interesting.

Announcer: Following Ramon's royal star is morning thunder,

ridden by Phillip Wilkins.

Second is gold rainbow, ridden by Grant Garrett,

in the purple and yellow silks.

Then Pablo Gonzales, riding El capitan.

Then Cole Willis in the orange and white, riding his mare

Jessica.

Next is Felipe Rose of the village people,

riding magic man.

Hey, look, gopher's on a horse!

Anybody care for a refreshment?

Not so fast.

What's gopher doing on a horse?

Well, sir, uh-- we kind of own him.

Now I understand.

Oh, ho ho!

It's perfectly clear.

Clop, clop, clop, clop, clop, clop!

Uh, sir, we were gonna tell you all about it.

We kinda wanted to surprise you.

Well, you surprised me, all right.

Nothing could surprise me more.

Announcer: And finally, Earl "gopher" Smith

riding captain stubing.

I was wrong.

I could be more surprised.

Announcer: Will the riders please bring their horses

to the starting line?

You mean to tell me that Paul didn't

even notice that we were out dancing

until early in the morning?

He wouldn't notice if I jumped overboard.

Unless I happened to be riding Jessica at the time.

Why, uh, don't you just come to my cabin about 10:30 tonight?

He probably won't even notice that.

[Announcer speaking Spanish]

Announcer: We're proud to welcome

the beautiful miss Kim Holland.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment

we've all been waiting for.

Horses and riders are ready, the flag is up.

The 10th annual acapulco steeplechase is about to begin.

And they're off!

Oh, [inaudible].

Felipe Rose of the village people.

Magic man, wait for me!

[Shouting]

Wait for me!

Announcer: He's running after his horse.

Looks like Felipe is [inaudible].

The field is running at a fast pace.

Come on!

Announcer: Followed by Willis and Jessica.

[Inaudible]

Then morning thunder as they clear the second jump.

Go, go!

Come on, stubing!

Announcer: One of our riders is having trouble.

It's Earl Smith.

It looks like his captain stubing's--

does gopher know what he's doing?

It doesn't look like it.

Ah!

Ah!

[Announcer speaking Spanish]

Announcer: --Are neck and neck.

The nearest challenger is several lengths behind.

Into the jumping score, [inaudible],

followed by Jessica and morning thunder, [inaudible] Pleasure,

and trailing the field is captain stubing.

Come on, gopher! Oh, goph!

Come on, gopher!

Come on!

Announcer: And here comes Felipe Rose.

You're gonna come in last.

Announcer: I think we have another race going on, here.

Our riders just cleared the last jump,

and are coming down the home stretch.

It's Jessica and gold rainbow, gold rainbow

and Jessica still battling for the lead,

followed by morning thunder.

I know you can do it!

Look at them go.

I tell you, Paul and Jessica were made for each other.

Why can't he just have a girlfriend,

like any normal husband?

Announcer: It's Jessica and gold rainbow,

Jessica and gold rainbow.

And Jessica pulls out in front by a leg.

And here's the winner, followed by Grant

gallant on gold rainbow second, and [inaudible] in third.

I told ya he could do it! I told you.

What a horse.

What a horse!

Gopher!

Come on!

Announcer: The race continues, as Earl

Smith and Felipe Rose neck and neck,

coming down the home stretch.

It's Felipe and gopher.

Gopher and Felipe battling on for the lead,

and pulling out in front is Felipe.

And [inaudible] is the winner by a feather.

[Cheering]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner

of the 10th annual acapulco steeplechase, Paul Willis,

riding Jessica.

And here to present the award for winner

is one of the biggest stars in motion pictures today,

the beautiful miss Kim Holland.

[Spanish]

Thank you.

I can't believe it.

This and Kim Holland, all in one day.

Wow.

Is that offer still good for tonight?

I want to thank you for today.

I didn't realize horse racing was so exciting.

It's even more exciting when you win.

Aw, well don't take it so hard.

You had some bad luck. -You're right.

Who needs the trophy, as long as I've got

you for a consolation prize?

Excuse me.

Louise!

We did it!

We won.

Well, congratulations.

Now we each have a trophy.

What does that mean?

You have that, and I have cliff.

Perhaps I can forgive the fact that you smuggled

a horse onboard my ship.

But sir, we really--

and perhaps I can forgive the fact that that horse

destroyed my supply room.

Sir, we--

but there is one thing I cannot excuse--

that a horse bearing the name stubing finished dead last.

Next year we're buying a horse that can jump.

All right!

And there's some good news, sir. -Well, let me have it.

Right now i'm ready for anything.

We sold the horse for $200 more than we paid for him.

Well, congratulations.

Yes, that is good news.

That's just about enough to pay for the damages.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to dinner.

Well, the lovely miss Holland.

Just the person I wanted to see.

What do you want from me?

I want you to get Doris back.

I can't do that.

Well, you can at least tell me how I can reach her.

I can't do that, either.

Well, what can you do?

Other than smile pretty and fool the public into thinking you're

miss wonderful.

It's amazing somebody like Doris even stays in the employ

of such a self-centered phony.

But then, she's too nice just to walk out.

And she's prettier, too.

You don't even know what you're talking about.

I know more than I need to know.

I know I'm in love with the woman you sent home.

Don't you think you're overreacting?

People don't just fall in love overnight.

People like you don't.

You know, it's funny-- I took this cruise just for a chance

to get to know you.

And now that I do, I wish I'd never met you.

A discontented fan.

He didn't like my last movie.

From where I stood, it sounded a little

more serious than that.

You're right.

It is.

I guess I didn't put Doris to rest soon enough.

He's in love with her.

The feeling seems to be mutual.

All you have to do is just tell him that Doris is really you.

Oh, captain, the warm and witty Doris Wilson

is dead and buried.

I don't know about that.

I have a feeling she's still alive and well,

and living inside Kim Holland.

Look, he's a nice teacher from Chicago.

I wouldn't want my kind of life to change

him into something else.

Why don't you let him make that decision?

Paul, please, I don't want to do it.

I love you.

Don't drive me to another man.

All I ask is a little attention.

Louise, didn't Paul tell you?

Tell me what?

Well, Paul sold me Jessica, so-- well, I can't

make our date for tonight.

[Knocking]

Well, hi.

Come on in.

We came by to see if you'd made a decision about Grant yet.

If you haven't, there are a lot of things to consider.

For instance, do you know if Grant wants to settle

down and have a family?

I don't know.

I always thought that was important to you.

Well, I did, too, but now I'm not so sure.

Well, this may sound selfish on my part, Julie,

but if you leave to marry Grant, we'll

be losing a lot more than a damn fine cruise director.

We'll be losing the best friend we ever had.

Aw, thanks.

I'd miss you all terribly, too.

You mean you've decided?

Yes.

But I think Grant should be the first to know.

Excuse me.

What do you call this?

Bad timing?

I thought you loved me?

I do.

You just showed me how much.

Julie, wait.

Well, it worked.

Yes.

Why couldn't you just tell you changed your mind,

and you don't want to marry her?

But I do want to marry her.

It's just that she shouldn't want to marry me.

I don't understand.

I'm not the right man for her.

But I could never convince her of that.

This way she convinced herself.

Julie!

Julie, I love you.

Oh, you've gotta be kidding.

How dare you stand here and tell me you love me,

after what I just walked in on?

I admit it, I have one little shortcoming.

-Shortcoming? -Yes.

Some people can't resist sweets, some can't resist cigarettes.

I can't resist beautiful women.

I'm sorry, Grant, but the man in my life

has to be the only man in my life,

and I expect him to feel the same way about me.

Keep it, Julie.

I want you to have something to remember me by.

Trust me, Grant, you'll be very difficult to forget.

This is the second time I came in second today.

You're a special lady, Julie.

I want you to know I'll always love you.

Oh, Grant.

For a complete cad, you have a lot of style.

Louise!

Paul!

I was down in the hold looking for you.

I've been looking for you.

What do you want to fool around with horses for?

Why did you sell Jessica?

The price was right.

It included cliff's promise never to see you again.

I love you, Louise.

It took almost losing you to make me realize how much I do.

Welcome back, Paul.

Louise, I promise, from now on we're

going to have nothing to do with horses.

Except maybe a little horsing around.

It's a lovely night, isn't it?

Doris?

I can't believe it.

You're here.

Are you glad to see me?

Was that a yes?

I missed you.

Oh, I missed you too.

You know, you never gave me a chance to say

what was really on my mind.

I love you.

No matter what?

Now, what do you mean by that?

That's what I mean by that.

What is this?

Some sort of a game?

No, Tom.

Doris was just a character I created

to keep from being hassled.

Aw, you poor kid.

My heart bleeds for you.

You rich and famous have so many problems.

I know this is all just a little crazy,

but what I'm trying to say is I love you.

Now, if you just give me a chance to make up for things--

well, that depends who you are.

Kim Holland, glamorous movie star from Hollywood,

or Doris Wilson, lovely secretary from London.

How about June westheimer, ordinary girl from Milwaukee?

Well?

Aren't you going to say anything?

Kim?

Doris?

June?

I have a feeling the four of us are going

to be very happy together.

First officer, stand by.

Stand by on the bow.

Prepare docking line.

-Thanks for sailing with us. -Julie.

-Uh-huh. -Oh--

I wanted to say goodbye.

It was a beautiful trip.

I hope you won't remember me unkindly.

Oh, no.

All my memories will be very pleasant.

You take good care of the red sneakers.

I will.

That's one gift I'm keeping.

Bye bye, Grant.

Bye, Julie.

Well, as one horseman to another,

thank you for sailing with us.

Thank you very much.

This cruise was so great, we're going to be taking another trip

in a couple of months.

To London.

A second honeymoon.

Ah, London.

Isn't there a big steeplechase coming up there?

Oh, really?

What a coincidence.

Oh, look, I want to say goodbye to you two.

And Paul, thanks for Jessica.

You can wish us luck in the London steeplechase.

We will.

As a matter of fact, I'll be there in person.

London?

Well, who's going to London?

Niagara Falls.

That's the place for a second honeymoon.

So long.

Fellas, do you happen to know if, uh, there's a steeplechase

in Niagara Falls?

Are you sure you know what you're getting into?

Large parties, boring premieres, mothering fans?

I think I can make the sacrifice.

Goodbye.

Oh, captain, thank you for everything.

Oh, any time.

Wait.

That's for your secretary.

Goodbye.

It was great having you with us.

Bye bye.

Well, so long, Randy.

Goodbye, David.

Captain.

On behalf of the rest of the guys,

I want to thank you for a great cruise.

Well, the pleasure was all mine.

And if there's ever anything I can do for you,

just say the word.

Well there is one thing.

Yeah?

Come see us again.

It was wonderful having you with us.

Bye, captain stubing.

Terrific show.

I've always wanted a kinky lid like this.

Bye bye.

Bye.

So, captain, where's our next cruise?

Indian ocean?

[Theme music]