Original subtitles

♪ Love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard it's love ♪

Oh, I'm sorry, merrill!

Hey, what's the rush?

I just don't want to be late for the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders' arrival.

Oh, yes. Well, take it easy.

How can I?

They happen to be exactly my favorite type of women.

Adam, is there any type of woman that isn't your favorite?

No, not really. I guess I'm what you call an equal opportunity lover.

I think the cheerleaders will be thrilled to hear that.

Oh, merrill, I tell you, they are really something.

I watched them at the ball game on Sunday and they are fantastic!

Every one!

Fantastic, huh?

Oh, they've got some new girls with them this year.

They are so... You can't even...

[Kisses] Mamma Mia!

What's keeping this elevator?

New faces?

New everything, merrill. New everything!

They're going to be aboard for several days. Why rush?

Don't you understand? You got to play all the angles.

The first fellow that meets them is the one they'll remember. Huh?

I can make better time on the stairs.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

You ready?

In a minute.

Come on! We've got passengers coming aboard.

Including all those gorgeous cheerleaders.

We're going to have to look sensational just to keep up.

You're not concerned about competition from them?

Oh, that's a very sweet thing to say.

And very flattering, considering each one of those girls is a ten.

Pretty, long legs, gorgeous figures.

Wow, I'd better do something. Can I borrow some lipstick?

In about three years, yes. Now, come on.

You certainly put together a real party, Mr. Fleers.

Oh, thank you.

You've gotta think big in the oil business nowadays.

I've got 50 of my top salesmen on board here,

fifty of my top customers,

and the Dallas cowboys cheerleaders to entertain them!

All courtesy of Mason fleers.

Say, this is, uh--

Ted.

Ted, that's right. This is Ted. Now, he's my assistant.

Captain stubing.

Doctor bricker.

How are you?

Ted here is in charge of our special guest, prince Yusuf Hassan.

I'd better get on down below now, because the girls will be arriving.

They'll want to see me. Take care of the buttons.

Sure.

This is the theme for our cruise party,

"cheers for fleers."

Thank you.

Thank you.

"Cheers for fleers."

I like it!

When a company brings me, on the house,

a bunch of the most gorgeous girls in america,

that's big business in its finest hour.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm. [Chuckles]

Something wrong?

Going a little heavy on the Cologne, aren't you?

No, I just gave myself the usual dab.

With what, a mop?

Look at this. Shiny braids, shiny shoes, and shoelaces.

Hey, no special effort. This is the way I always look.

It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact

that the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders are coming onboard?

Nope, they're all the same to me. A passenger is a passenger.

Hmm. Oh, here they are!

Where?

Passengers are passengers, huh?

Prince Hassan, I'd like you to meet our captain, merrill stubing.

Captain, this is prince Hassan.

Welcome aboard, your highness. We're pleased to have you sailing with us.

Thank you, captain. I look forward to being on the water for a change.

Our small country is mostly one big layer of sand.

-So I understand. -Of course, under the sand

we have a nice, big layer of oil.

Sounds like very valuable real estate.

There are things of even greater value than oil,

which is one reason I come to your country.

[Brass band playing fanfare]

Sounds like the cheerleaders are here!

[Cheering]

Hey! All right!

[Band continues outside]

-Um... excuse me. -Hi.

-The name's latham. -Okay. Let's see.

Oh. Major and Mrs. Ross latham,

you're on the promenade deck, cabin 343.

343. Um...

Somebody said the Dallas cheerleaders were going to be aboard.

-Is that true? -That's right.

Well, they will be quite something for my wife to see.

Oh, well, if there's anything we can do to help, please let me know.

-You are most kind. -Arigato.

-You speak Japanese? -Sure I do!

One word!

Nara darling, why don't you go ahead to 343

and I'll round up the luggage?

343.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, what a beautiful kimono!

What's this "Arigato"?

It's Japanese. It means thank you.

I bet they're on their honeymoon.

If they are, then the major's on two honeymoons.

Hmm?

Hm.

See you soon.

Okay!

Hi. I'm Gloria beaumont.

[Clears throat] Hello.

You're on the aloha deck, cabin 350. Enjoy your cruise.

Oh, I intend to. I just ran into an old friend of mine

from the air force.

Yes, major latham.

I believe he's sailing with his wife.

Oh, a wife is such a temporary position.

I should know, I used to be one.

Hmm.

I'd say she's trouble.

Hmm. I think you have excellent instincts.

[Band playing]

[Cheers, whistles]

[Band stops playing]

Okay, Kim kilway, Teri Richardson,

Stephanie scholz, and Jeanne monfort,

promenade 342.

Angelia parnell, jayne Ann Maxwell...

Slow down, Julie. I can't take shorthand.

Nancy townes and Janet fulkerson, promenade 346.

Annette bilbrey, Leslie Willard,

debbie causey and Carrie currie, promenade 344.

Okay, girls. Let's go find them.

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas... ♪

Hey. Miss monfort?

Oh, hello, Mr. Fleers.

Just call me Mason. No formality on a pleasure cruise.

I gotta tell you somethin'. I've seen all the cowboy games.

You're the main reason I booked these cheerleaders.

Say, you've got better moves than the whole Dallas backfield combined.

Oh, Mr. Fleers!

Mason, Mason. Get used to it.

I hope we're gonna see a lot of each other on this trip, you know what I mean?

[Scoffs]

[Laughs]

Excuse me, I'm with the fleers group. Mr. Henson.

Mr. Henson, yes. Promenade 347, the honeymoon suite.

That's us!

Honeymooners?

One nice thing, if you were worried

about competition for the cheerleaders,

your odds just got better.

[Ship horn blowing]

[Chattering]

Say, Jeanne. I just stopped down

to see if your room's comfortable and everything.

Oh, everything's fine, Mr. Fleers.

Yeah, well... oh, Mason.

I can get you your own private room,

if you think you'd be more comfortable in that.

Oh, this is fine.

Well, I'll leave the offer open.

You think about it and if you change your mind...

Okay, thanks.

Relax, Walter, everything is going to be fine.

Come on, get unpacked.

Come on.

It's Harriet's!

I must have brought one of her suitcases by mistake.

Look, don't think about her.

I did such a terrible thing, jilting her, and right at the church.

But I just couldn't marry her after I found out she had that affair.

It's done, so just forget about it.

I bet you never thought you'd be on my honeymoon.

What about Mr. Fleers?

What if he finds out, I mean, after arranging all this?

You're new in the Chicago office. He hardly knows you.

Look, hang up some of Harriet's things,

so no one gets curious, huh?

[Knock on door]

Champagne, compliments of the love boat.

Oh!

But there's no need.

Oh, it's a regular custom for the honeymoon sui--

uh...

-For this cabin. -No, thank you.

Come on, come on. It'll do you good. Here.

No, thank you.

Congratulations on the flowers!

They're compliments of Mr. Fleers.

Same kind as in the church.

It was so beautiful, and all our friends were there.

And then the music began.

Nerves, very jittery.

Oh, just one thing, uh... Isaac.

I'd like to ask you a very special favor.

We're involved in kind of an unusual setup here.

I wonder if you'd keep it quiet

that Mr. Henson doesn't actually have a bride in the honeymoon suite.

Oh, I had one, but it didn't work out.

I could have guessed that.

[Chatter, laughter]

[Ted] Hi girls.

Hello, there!

Ted!

I'm so glad you talked Mr. Fleers into bringing you along.

We'll have a ball!

Well, I'm afraid it's not gonna be all fun and games.

I have to look after the prince, which is quite a responsibility.

I realize that, but--

there he is.

Excuse me, huh?

[Chattering]

Ah, the pacific! It certainly is something, isn't it?

And to think that's only the top of it.

Listen, your highness, would it be possible

for me to meet with you in your cabin later?

Not more tedious arguments

for an oil concession to your country?

No. This is strictly pleasure. I have a gift for you.

And you hope to influence me with blatant bribery?

-Exactly. -Marvelous. In a half hour, then?

Great.

What a prince!

Giving him a sales pitch?

No, no. No high-pressure stuff.

I'm just selling him some good old American friendliness.

Got any free samples?

Hello! Taking good care of the prince?

I'm giving him a gift he's going to flip over.

It's a computer game that plays chess. He collects chess sets.

Oh, well, maybe I'll plan a game,

if he doesn't mind playing for big stakes.

Two gallons of unleaded.

[Both laugh]

Say, I got a great idea.

How about if you present him with the gift, huh?

I mean, it'd be sort of like a little touch of showmanship.

Besides, maybe you could ask him if he wanted to play a game or two.

We do have a rehearsal.

Oh, but it'll only take a minute.

Come on, I'll get the computer.

It is so wonderful seeing you again.

Mrs. Beaumont's ex-husband

was my roommate in flight school

a long time ago.

Remember all those characters when the squadron was stationed at Edwards?

[Laughs]

I remember every one of them, fondly.

-Well, want to take a walk, see the ship? -Okay.

And you should have known Ross, he was more fun of them all.

-You should have known him then, Nora. -Nara.

Nara! Oh, of course. I'm sorry.

Will you look at her moving in?

I'd like to choke her.

Oh, that's a no-no, Julie.

The captain has strict rules against strangling passengers.

Interferes with the seating arrangements.

That sweet little wife of his doesn't have a chance.

How are we going to get rid of that shark?

Of course!

He can handle her!

Who?

Good old doc!

Ah! Mr. Shark bait.

I'll line him up.

You do that.

I've got a little lining up of my own to do.

Hmm?

Jeanne, if that fleers guy bothers you,

have texie straighten him out. Really.

But she's got so much on her mind.

Hi, girls.

I'm burl Smith, assistant purser,

and organizer of fun parties, large and small.

Hi, how are you?

Jeanne, Teri's right.

Leave it to texie.

She won't mind, Jeanne, really.

[Overlapping chatter]

Gopher. I'll post the schedule for you

if you're too busy dating all the cheerleaders.

Oh, no. I'll do it. I won't have time for the girls, anyway.

You know me, duty first.

But I know fleers' type.

He's not going to be easy to turn off.

There you are! Yes, sir!

I've been running around like a one-eyed dog in a beehive looking for you.

I'll have to put a bell on her, so I can keep track of her.

I need to talk to you, honey, if you girls will excuse us.

Sure, go ahead.

I find that I've got room in my organization

for a bright, young girl, just like yourself,

to travel around with me to all of my branch offices checking on things.

Kind of like a confidential secretary.

Easy work, I think you'll love it, and I know I will.

Excuse me.

Darling!

I've been looking forward to seeing you again.

I was praying you'd be on board.

So was I.

I'll never forget our last cruise.

I've missed you and those magic moments in the moonlight.

Oh, yeah. Magic moments.

You've never looked better.

You get handsomer all the time.

Oh, thank you.

Well, that's the sea air and I eat a lot of granola.

Can I talk to you later, Mr. Fleers?

Oh, you bet! We got plenty of time, me and you.

We really do have a lot to catch up on.

Why don't we start by introducing each other?

Excuse me. My friends are waiting.

[Knock on door]

Thank you.

Good afternoon, your highness.

I just came by to see if everything is satisfactory.

Most satisfactory indeed. Mr. Fleers decorated the cabin delightfully.

Good, good. I understand you play chess.

-If you ever need a partner-- -i gave up chess years ago.

My game now is poker, but at the moment, neither one is of interest.

-I came to america on a quest. -Sounds intriguing.

What I'm looking for is a wife.

Oh?

I am hoping to find an American girl.

My harem is so dull now without Fatima.

-I lost her a month ago. -I'm very sorry.

So am I. She went very quickly,

in a poker game at the palace.

Of course, Fatima was just a dancing girl.

The American girl I will make one of my wives.

[Knock on door]

Ah! Good afternoon, your highness, captain.

Prince Yusuf, I have a very special gift for you,

which I hope will please you.

Prince Yusuf, this is miss Janet fulkerson.

Allah be praised.

This is an honor, your highness.

I hope you don't already have one.

No, no. Similar, of course, but nothing like this.

Ted, could I have a word with you, please?

Yeah, just a second.

I also brought along a complete set of instructions.

Instruc-- ha! Instructions! How typically American.

They won't be necessary. In some areas, we are not a backward nation.

And if you like, Janet's ready for a match anytime you say.

You are willing?

But I must warn you, I'm only a beginner.

The best kind.

First, we must observe the legal requirements.

Oh, not now.

You see, Janet can come back later. She has a rehearsal.

Rehearsal?

Practice makes perfect.

Only in america.

I almost forgot. Here's an extra set of batteries, just in case.

Extra batteries? How old does he think I am?

Your highness...

She didn't bring much luggage.

An adding machine?

I hope she's doesn't expect too much of me.

That's a computerized chess game.

Your highness, there's been a slight mis--

[phone rings]

I'm expecting a call from my brother.

Will you excuse me?

Of course. I'll be on my way.

I want to have a word with Mr. Harmes.

[Phone ringing]

Ted!

Oh, hi, captain.

Well, Yusuf certainly seemed to enjoy his gift, didn't he?

More than you know. Now, look, Ted...

Next, I think I'll throw him a little dinner party this evening.

I'd better find out if he likes to go to bed early or not.

He might tonight.

Huh?

There's been a giant misunderstanding.

He thinks that the gift you gave him was Janet.

Janet?

For his wife!

You'd better do something.

Well, that's crazy.

Where does he think he is?

On the love boat.

About to start his honeymoon.

[Brass band playing lively march]

Ooh! Doesn't that take your mind off your troubles?

You think I should have gone ahead and married Harriet, don't you?

Frankly, yes. So, she had an earlier love affair with someone else.

So what? She didn't even know you then.

But it makes me feel like I'm second best.

Walter, forget it. It'll drive you bananas.

-[Music stops] -[All] Cowboys!

[Cheering]

Okay, girls, get your jackets and let's go to our rooms.

I'm going back to the cabin.

Hey, look. Take it easy, huh?

I'll be right out.

Jayne Ann, don't forget your jacket.

Thanks, I'll see you later.

Excuse me. My jacket.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Something wrong?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not really.

How do I go about making you a convert?

You might start by telling me your name.

Hud henson.

Jayne Ann Maxwell.

So much for the courtship. Shall we pick out the furniture?

I'm an old-fashioned girl. I believe in much longer courtships.

Isn't that one of the honeymoon boys?

Shh. He asked me not to let that get around.

I wonder why he's with her.

Maybe he's collecting one of each kind.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Mrs. Beaumont, have you seen her?

She was supposed to join us for dinner.

Why don't you go on into the dining room

and I'll keep an eye out for her?

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, doc, are you ready? She's coming down the stairs.

Oh, that's the husband stealer.

Uh-huh. Think you can handle her?

In my hands, she'll be silly putty.

Oh, hi. I'm Adam bricker, the ship's doctor.

Perhaps we could have a little drink and then some dinner,

and afterwards... Who knows?

Or to put it another way... who cares?

Look, Ted, you've got to tell the prince

that you weren't giving him Janet.

I know, I know. I asked him to meet me here.

I'm gonna tell him now.

Here he comes.

Good evening, your highness.

Ah, captain!

And my very good friend, Ted.

Ah, your highness.

I asked you to meet me--

because you bring me my lovely Janet.

Oh, well...

I shall not forget your kindness

when my country makes the oil concessions.

Your countrymen shall honor you.

Well, you see--

henceforth,

all my brother princes shall also deal favorably with you,

because you are a man of your word.

Now, about Janet?

Jan-- Janet! She's, uh, resting.

Resting? Ah, resting! Yes, of course, all the excitement.

Well, perhaps we should have dinner first.

You'll dine at my table, of course.

Thank you.

I'll join you in a moment.

Ohh.

I know. I just couldn't tell him now.

I'm going to have to find a better time.

If he runs into Janet, there could be trouble.

I'm just gonna have to keep her out of his sight

until I figure out how to tell him.

Look, it's got to be done just right,

or else a million American gas stations

are gonna turn into taco stands.

[Cymbal crashes]

[Cheers, applause]

Hi, girls.

Hi! How are you doing?

Hello again.

Oh, hi.

We'll see you at the table.

So long, gopher.

Excuse me, miss, um, do you think that we could pick up where we left off,

and recapture the magic moments?

I'm sorry. That was all a mistake. I shouldn't have done it.

Mistake?

No problem.

Uh, where are you going?

I thought you said it was a mistake--

I've got to learn to control myself around you.

You're so irresistible.

I can dig it.

I can see that boy smothering that girl flat.

You can let go now.

I'm Jeanne monfort and I owe you an explanation.

Oh, no. Listen, hey, whenever you want to kiss me, you just help yourself.

I'll try to remain puckered-up at all times.

You see, Mr. Fleers has been coming on a little strong.

I figured if he thought I had an old boyfriend on board,

he'd leave me alone.

Oh.

I'm sorry. Look, there's got to be a better way to handle this.

I'll just tell texie, our choreographer,

and she'll make him leave me alone.

You don't have to do that.

I'm always around, in this handy container.

You don't mind?

No problem.

I can handle unlimited amounts of affection

without breaking out.

[Laughs] Okay. See you later.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Lovely girl, isn't she?

Yes.

I suppose she's been telling you that I, uh,

offered her a prominent position in my company.

No.

No? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but I need your help. I need to get her alone

and talk about the deal, you know what I mean?

But it's hard when she's being so friendly to an old friend.

You do care about her future, don't you?

Well, sure.

I can't tell you how happy I am to hear about that.

And what you're doing for me,

finding yourself a new girlfriend and all,

that could have a bearing on your future, too.

That gives you something to think about, huh?

Yeah, I guess it does, Mr. Fleers.

Yeah! You just call me Mason.

All my friends do.

Mason.

I suppose you'd like Ross to get out of flying.

Whatever he decides is fine.

I can be very happy with him either in or out of his uniform.

I suppose out of his uniform's more fun.

[Gloria laughing]

It's a play on words, actually. Flyer, flier...

[Laughs]

I'm going to have to do something about that woman.

Tell me, how do you manage all the cheerleaders?

I have trouble enough just looking after one girl.

It's not so bad.

We try to cause trouble,

but she's tough.

Say, I'll bet old prince here could help you out on that!

As many wives as you got, boy, you got to be an expert on women!

My friend, I'm afraid there is no such thing.

Madam, your job may soon become easier.

Before long, there may be one less for you to look out for.

Now, if you will all excuse me,

i should like to take a walk on deck.

Captain, why would I have one less cheerleader?

Well, uh... maybe he's hoping that one will defect to the oilers.

[Chuckles]

Thank you.

Now, if I was really the smooth type,

I'd be lighting two cigarettes for us.

Like Paul henreid in now, voyager.

I just love all the old movies.

You remind me of another one.

Love affair.

Oh?

Charles boyer,

Irene dunne...

And...

Maria ouspenskaya.

I'm sorry, but when you say "ouspenskaya,"

your lips just have to be kissed.

Ouspenskaya.

If only I didn't have that 10:00 curfew.

It's just as well. I have to be in early, too.

Oh? Why?

Because...

Nothing, I'm just kind of tired.

Why don't we go over there, behind the stairs?

What's going on? You keep dragging me from one dark place to another.

Are you ashamed to be seen with me?

Ashamed? Don't be silly! I love being seen with you.

Especially in dark places.

Let's go dance.

Oh, no. It's the prince. He can't see us.

Why not?

Why not?

Uh, because he'll, uh, want me to spend the evening with him.

Come on.

I think this ship is just beautiful.

I'm glad you like it.

This is the lido deck, remember?

Yes, the girls were dancing here.

That's right.

Captain!

Do you know where is Ted?

No, I'm sorry.

There had better be a very good explanation.

Is anything the matter?

Only if you're an oil burner.

Come on. This way.

This is ridiculous!

Just tell the prince you want to be with me.

He'll understand.

Wanna bet?

You straighten things out with him right now,

or tomorrow morning I will.

Hmm. Maybe with a little luck,

tonight we'll hit an iceberg.

I like it like this. It looks pretty.

Handsome. Almost thicker than mine. Ha!

Oh! Come in.

Hi, nara.

Good morning.

Oh! What a beautiful kimono.

Thank you. Or as you say, Arigato!

I'm almost finished, see?

Yeah. Did you happen to bring a bikini?

No, I don't own one.

Uh, I grew up in a very conservative family,

and I guess I'm still a little shy.

Oh, well, with your figure, you have nothing to be shy about.

Why don't you give it a try?

Maybe in time.

Ah.

Nara, may I make a suggestion?

Yes.

Forget the sewing. Go buy yourself a sun-suit

and get up on deck with your husband.

But the major is not lonely up there.

Yes, I know. That's the problem.

You see, on this cruise, not all of the sharks are in the ocean.

Julie, uh... About Mrs. Beaumont.

Yes.

It would be a wonderful thing if you could introduce her to some people.

She's had a rough time. She's lonely, she wants some attention.

She needs it.

I've noticed.

Somebody she can spend some time with.

Right now, she's pretty helpless, okay?

Helpless?

Hello, girls.

Hi.

If you will excuse me, I've got to go down to the cabin a moment.

No problem, take your time.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Uh-huh?

[All laugh]

Isaac, have you

seen Walter?

Walter?

Oh, your friend. No, I haven't.

I can't seem to get him out of that bed.

Maybe he's a little seasick.

No. He's lovesick.

Oh.

Well, I suppose that would do it, too, Mr. Henson.

Henson? Henson?

From the Chicago office, the newlywed?

Uh, that's right, Mr. Fleers.

Say, that must be some honeymoon you're on.

I haven't seen that little bride since you've been on the boat.

You must have seen her, Isaac. You took champagne.

What'd she look like?

Tall!

Blonde.

Clean-shaven. I mean, nice complexion.

Say, since I'm paying for the honeymoon,

name that first kid after me, huh?

[Forced laughter]

Thanks a lot, Isaac.

If fleers ever found out my brother was honeymooning without a bride,

Walter would die of embarrassment.

Oh, that's okay.

Your brother? You mean, he...

Called off his marriage at the last minute. See you later, Isaac.

Not Isaac. You can call me dumbo, or you can call me loco.

Oh.

Instead of me selling him a deal,

that cat wound up selling me one!

That was a bad deal!

It's what we call in my business a lamb biting the butcher.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing you girls at the ball tonight.

It's gonna be good.

Thank you, Mr. Fleers.

Say, how do you know that Mr. Henson over there?

Know him? Honey, I'm the one paying for his honeymoon.

He hasn't let that little girl out of the room since he's been on board!

You know what I mean. [Laughing]

His honeymoon?

I am so sorry, honey.

Men. They're all turkeys!

I'll catch up with you all later.

Okay.

Hi, old friend.

Oh, hi, Jeanne.

I thought you were gonna stay puckered-up for me, not run away from me.

Uh... right. Uh, well...

Something has come up beyond my control.

Mr. Fleers, is something wrong?

Every time I turn around, that young officer there is forcing his attentions

on that young cheerleader.

Gopher? [Laughing] You must be mistaken.

Hell, I wish I were, but I had to speak to him twice about it already.

Oh, well, maybe I'll have a few words with him myself.

Though I still can't believe--

no, no, no.

No, like you say, he's probably a fine boy.

I'll have another talk with him, one more should do it.

Keeps it more unofficial that way.

As you wish.

It's just that I got an awful lot of work to do.

I was hoping we could go ashore together in mazatlán.

It's like I said, I'm busy.

Okay, forget it.

[Deep sigh]

Hey, i--

aah!

Mr. Fleers! Mr. Fleers!

Mr. Fleers! Uh, Mr. Fleers? I'm sorry!

Listen, somebody get a doctor. Get doc!

Uh... Mr. Fleers? Mr. Fleers.

[Gopher] Sir!

What happened?

It was a complete accident, sir.

He's out cold.

Sir, it's not as bad as it looks.

It's worse.

[Julie, over pa] Dr. Bricker, please report

to the starlight deck.

You do everything on time.

I keep trying.

I get the broken left-handed one.

But it hits better from the right.

Hi, honey. What are you up to?

I'm trying to teach Julie

how to write her name in Japanese.

Without much success.

Stick to it. It takes a while.

I still don't know how to do it.

Ross, you're starting to burn.

Am I?

Here. Here's some lotion for you.

Thank you.

I'll do it for you, major.

You will?

Why not?

Oh, golly.

[Gloria chuckles] Don't worry.

I'm just a taxpayer protecting government property.

All right. Come on, slim.

[Gloria] See you later.

[Soft piano music playing]

Hi, Janet.

Have you told the prince?

[Sighs] No, not yet. It's just not that simple.

Why not? What's going on?

Okay. Are you ready?

He doesn't think I gave him a computer chess set.

He thinks I gave him something else.

You mean he has another hobby?

Mm-hmm.

So, just give him the gift he's expecting. What's the problem?

It's you.

I'm the problem?

No, the gift. He thinks I gave him you, as a bride.

Me? That's crazy!

Yeah, well, he's already got the old shoes and the rice waiting.

Tell him it was a mistake!

After which, he'll cancel the oil deal with fleers.

After which, fleers will personally throw me overboard.

Well, you can't let it go on any longer.

Yeah, I know.

Ted, just tell him!

Don't run away from your problems.

Be a guy who deals with them.

Gopher?

Oh, Isaac. You heard. Come on in.

Gopher hasn't gotten back yet?

No.

He's still off in a meeting with fleers and the captain.

How's it look?

It'll be all right.

The captain knows gopher would never hit a passenger.

The problem is that fleers had reported gopher earlier

for being troublesome.

Yeah, but we have to think positive.

Hi, guys.

Well, how'd it go?

About as I expected. I'm no longer an assistant purser.

I'm an assistant passenger. I've been suspended from duty.

Oh, no.

But you didn't hit fleers, did you?

Didn't he explain that to the captain?

Well, Mr. Fleers isn't exactly sure what happened.

So, until his mind clears, sugar ray Smith is out of a job.

Gopher, I'm sorry, but I had no choice.

I had to relieve you of your duties,

but you'll get a chance to tell your side of it to the board

when we get back to Los Angeles.

Oh, that's okay, sir. No problem.

Actually, it's kind of fun being a passenger.

Hello, girls.

Hi, captain.

Hi, gopher.

Hi.

I'm terribly sorry, gopher. It was all my fault.

Hey, what's everybody so sorry about?

I'm finally getting a chance to cruise

in a style to which I'd like to become accustomed.

-Maybe if we talked to the captain? -It was an accident.

He'd understand.

Well, you know, it's probably a good thing.

I was really getting in a rut in this job.

There are a lot of other big opportunities for me out there.

Sure, goph.

Well, okay. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

You'll be able to explain things at the hearing.

Oh, yeah. My word against a millionaire's.

Jeanne, I don't know what I'm going to do without this job.

The sea is my whole life.

Something'll turn up.

Yeah, I suppose so. I'm still young.

I can start again, find something new.

Or I can go back to running the kiddie boat ride at jungleland.

[Julie, on pa] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to mazatlán.

We hope you enjoy your day.

Janet was absolutely right.

You can't put off telling the prince another second.

Yeah.

And here's your chance.

Ah, my friend!

You-- you have found the beautiful Janet?

Well--

marvelous.

Now the wedding can commence.

Your highness--

Allah is kind.

He has seen fit to relieve my sorrow.

As I told the captain,

I recently lost one of my most dearest ladies

in a no-limit poker game.

-Poker game? -Jacks or better.

But happily, now we have a replacement.

You will arrange to bring Janet to me?

[Clears throat]

Well, it will be my pleasure.

Why didn't you tell him?

There's got to be a better way.

Look, you're dealing with a very sharp poker player.

The more you bluff, the more you're going to lose.

[Laughter]

Mr. Fleers?

Yeah.

Mason, could I talk to you for a minute?

Boy, could you. You boys, uh,

mind waiting for me down there? You know what I mean?

What happened with you and gopher, it was just an accident.

Well, I certainly hope so.

I, uh, I'd hate to think

that boy had any violent tendencies about him.

He doesn't. And if you explained things to the captain,

it would be a great favor to me.

Oh. Well, well.

I've got to go into town with these salesmen right now, but...

[Chuckles] ...Maybe you and I can talk about it tonight after dinner, before the show?

-Well... -Say, I'd like to do you a favor.

I mean, that's what makes the world go around, isn't it?

Folks going around doing favors for each other.

You know what I mean?

[Julie, over pa] Attention all passengers.

We will be departing mazatlán in one half-hour.

[Laughter]

I love your hat. I think it's great. Bye-bye.

Hey, any new passengers get on board in mazatlán for the trip back?

Oh, just a few, but we're about ready to sail.

Well, maybe I could help you, or something.

Gee, goph, I really don't think that's such a good idea.

Well, it's just a thought, you know.

Actually, I'm so busy

catching up on the lounging and the relaxation.

Yeah.

Great life.

Mm-hmm.

See you.

Mm-hmm.

She won't even talk to you?

No.

She's probably found someone else.

Someone who's loaded.

Maybe even that fleers character.

You don't know that.

No, you had the right idea about women.

You learned with Harriet. I'm learning with jayne Ann.

Hi, excuse me, I'm Harriet Bryce.

I booked passage back to Los Angeles.

Yes, of course, miss Bryce. You're on the promenade deck, cabin 110.

Go through those doors and to the left.

Ah.

Is my cabin as good as the honeymoon suite?

That's where my fiancé is, with his best man,

and, well, I intend on traveling in the same style as he is.

Bye-bye.

Julie, is there anything going on tonight?

Oh, yes, at midnight

there's the big show with the cheerleaders.

And before that, there's a dance. Do you disco?

Well, I've watched on TV, but...

Oh, I could teach you in ten minutes.

Thank you, but I'm not sure I'd be comfortable

doing it in public just yet.

Oh. [Laughs]

Guess what.

What?

That dress.

I think it'd look marvelous on you.

You really think so?

Yes, I really do.

There you are!

Gloria.

Yes?

Your expertise is wanted.

I'm trying to convince nara that she would look wonderful in that dress.

Oh, no, Ross, it wouldn't do at all.

Men don't understand things like that.

Uh, Gloria, I like the dress.

But, darling, it takes a Fuller figure to carry that off.

-Are you sure about that? -Trust me.

Nara is far too exquisite to wear such trendy fashions.

Thanks. Well, so much for that great idea.

Are you going to the party?

Hmm? Um...

Well, nara does dance, doesn't she?

-Well, actually-- -she could go to the movies, then.

Well... let's try the party, okay?

I'll get my shawl from the cabin.

Take your time. We'll see you there.

You certainly will.

[Knock on door]

Ah, good evening.

That depends.

Oh, nice, very beautiful.

Really beautiful.

Your highness, I am so pleased that you approve of Janet.

She's got every possible quality.

Including invisibility?

There's only one thing I could think of

that would be even better than having a girl like Janet

as a part of your entourage.

Yes, and what might that be?

Having two.

Or three.

Or more.

How could such a dream be possible?

Well, you do play poker, don't you?

And you intend to use these as chips.

If you will forgive me, how do I know that you can arrange such a thing,

that the young ladies would be willing?

Oh, your highness. You don't seem to realize

what a romantic figure you are.

And besides, what girl wouldn't want to be a real Princess?

I don't know, I already have the lovely Janet.

Why should I take a chance of losing her?

[Whistles]

Ah.

Care to cut them?

Julie McCoy, please.

Julie? This is nara.

Could you come up to my room right away?

Thank you.

Ugh!

So, that's the story. The only way to get gopher re-hired

is to organize against fleers.

But he seems like a nice man.

Hey, I'm sure he's a nice guy, he's just hooked on power.

So let's show him we have some power, too. Are you with me?

Count me in.

I'm for it.

Me, too.

I'm sold.

Right on.

I say go.

[Cheering]

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Hi, nara. You called?

Well, what are you doing?

A little remodeling.

My wardrobe and me.

Oh?

You said you could teach me to disco.

You want to learn! Oh, sure!

I could teach you to disco, no problem.

Just a sec!

[Disco track begins]

Okay, well, let's see.

The secret's all in the old hips, you just swivel your hips.

Like this?

Yeah. Well, that's the general idea.

But you're letting your motor stall.

You got to really keep it in gear.

Here. Like this?

That's better! It's a lot like the hula.

Just pretend you've got a crop of grass on your left hip

and a crop of grass on your right hip,

and then you just rotate the crops.

Rotate the crops, like this?

Yeah! Looks like we're going to have a heck of a harvest!

Now, follow me, okay?

Okay.

Keep doing this. Step, step, step-step-step.

Step, step, step-step-step.

Yeah, that's it.

Now have fun with it. Disco! Yeah!

[Both laughing]

One, two, a one, two, three.

I'm sure you're gonna have a good time. I'll see you there.

Hi.

Gopher.

How's it going?

Julie, I've got to get my job back. I'm going...

Oh.

I was gonna throw myself overboard, but the tux isn't paid for.

You can't think like that.

Right. Right.

Well, I could put my head in an oven,

but I'm not allowed in the kitchen anymore.

You're gonna get your job back.

Julie, how?

It's gonna take a miracle.

[Phone rings]

Purser's desk. Yes, this is Julie.

Oh, hi, Jeanne.

You're what?

Oh, yes.

Well, I sure hope it works out. Yeah. Good luck.

Gopher, I think you're about to get your miracle.

Hmm?

The cheerleaders are going to force fleers to get your job back.

Julie, come on, they can't pressure fleers.

They work for him. They're doing a show for him.

Well, that's just it. There isn't going to be any show.

They're all about to become very, very ill.

-What's wrong? -Nothing yet,

but I'm sure they'll have something by the time fleers gets there.

Julie, that's blackmail.

Mm-hmm. Isn't it wonderful?

Harriet?

Hud!

Hey!

Oh, hey!

How did you get here?

I came aboard at mazatlán.

I had been promised a cruise, you know, so I decided to take it.

Hey, this is great!

Yeah.

Look, I know Walt's over this crazy jealousy of his.

Come on, let me take you to him.

All right!

Walter, we have a visitor.

I thought you said he, uh, never left the cabin.

Well, I'm sure he'll be right back.

You see, hud was just protecting me from my embarrassment.

You're the only girl in his life.

It's so sweet of you to help out like this.

Ah.

Harriet!

Hud!

Wait a minute, that's not his girl. It's mine.

What are you doing here with him?

What are you doing here with her?

Answer him first. What are you doing here with her?

Nothing. I just brought her down to prove hud's not married.

Neither are you!

All right, hold it.

Come on, you two. Get your act together.

And why don't you and I step outside and do the same?

I was such a dummy.

You're absolutely right.

Don't be so agreeable. What was wrong with your brother?

He can't hack it that Harriet had an affair before they met.

Hey.

Maybe we can help him out.

Hmm.

I'm not here to beg, but hud said maybe you had come to your senses.

Gee, Harriet--

oh, excuse me.

I'm looking for my book.

What happened to jayne Ann?

I told her

we'd better cool it.

But she's crazy about you.

I could tell that when she came down.

Oh, there it is.

What, have you gone bananas?

You're going to read a book

when there's stars and a moon out there,

and a great girl that you care for?

I really shouldn't get involved with her.

She's had other boyfriends before.

What do you expect? She's an attractive girl.

And what difference does it make, anyway? That's all in the past.

Can you believe what this Turkey's saying?

The question is, do you?

Excuse me, she's waiting.

I've been had.

Forgive me?

Neither of us need to be forgiven, just understood.

Openers bet two. Yassim and Miriam.

I shall not lose you, my little darlings.

Okay, I'll see your two with Carrie...

Kim, and bump you with Annette.

How many more?

Give me three.

Now, what do you mean there's not going to be a show tonight?

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Fleers.

There seems to be a bug going around.

A bug? Happened all of a sudden, didn't it?

We feel so terrible, Mr. Fleers.

After you promised all your customers.

And the prince will be awfully disappointed.

Hmm. You know, I... [Chuckles]

I was thinking about talking to the captain tomorrow about that fella, gopher.

That's real nice of you, Mr. Fleers.

Sure is. Our colds ought to be better by tomorrow, too.

The show's tonight, though, isn't it?

Yes, it is, it is.

Maybe I'll go up there and talk to the captain now

and have gopher bring you girls down some aspirin.

That'd be real nice.

Especially if he were back in uniform.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yes! I know what you mean.

We'd like to do a favor for you, Mr. Fleers.

That's what makes the world go around,

everyone doing favors for each other.

[Laughing] You're so fierce, you girls!

You got to promise me one thing.

Say, you can't ever let the world know

how you beat old Mason fleers at his own game

and with his own bat!

Hey! Good one!

But you got a deal!

[Cheering]

[Knock on door]

Well, it looks like winner takes all.

Including the lovely Janet. What do you have?

Queens over 10s, full house.

I'm afraid...

You win.

[Sighs]

I win!

Thank you. Thank you very much, prince.

Allow me to return your three wives to you.

You are most gracious.

As are you.

So, captain, you have witnessed my loss of the lovely Janet.

Your highness, will you allow me to take a look at your cards?

Why, may I ask?

Just curious to see how badly you were beaten,

or if you were beaten at all.

Captain, you have the instincts of a desert warrior.

Be my guest.

Four aces.

Why?

Once my blood had cooled over the thought of the lovely Janet,

i realized I was in western civilization,

and that the young man could not deliver what he had promised.

Why didn't you call him on it?

My ancestors would shudder over such a simple solution.

No! One can only judge a man when he is under pressure.

His solution was ingenious. He is a gambler, I like that.

Remember, if he lost, he would be ruined.

What he did took courage.

Hmm. Or insanity.

Sometimes, are they not both the same thing?

[Disco music playing]

Well, she'll be here. She just went to get her shawl.

Oh, she's probably overwhelmed, poor little thing.

Sometimes, they never adjust.

She's closing fast.

Now, look, if the major and his wife have a meaningful relationship,

no ex-girlfriend, no matter how clever or sexy,

could make a dent in them.

Do you really believe that?

No.

My god! She's a perfect ten!

I clock her as a 12.5.

Gentlemen, this lady is looking for a dancing partner.

Excuse me, captain. You'll just have to take a number.

That's my wife.

I wonder where she learned to dance like that.

I don't know, but I bet she had a heck of a teacher.

And that's some little shawl she put together.

She must be kidding.

Excuse me, captain.

Yes.

Lovely evening, isn't it?

[Music stops]

Thank you.

[Slow track begins]

You are full of surprises.

I wish I had words...

To tell you

what it means

to see you like this.

I am so ashamed, to be so conspicuous.

I never should have displayed myself like this.

Nara, there is nothing wrong with that.

They loved it. I loved it.

Then what you love is a sham.

[Voice breaking] I am not this.

Inside, I am still me.

All I want you to be is yourself.

Always, nobody else.

But if you're going to be a...

Wild and crazy kinda girl from time to time,

I will love her, too, I promise.

You know, this dress is kind of pretty.

Oh, you noticed?

And the dancing was-- was fun.

[Laughs]

Perhaps before long--

shh, shh.

[Fanfare playing]

[Stubing] Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen!

Through the courtesy of Mason fleers...

The love boat proudly presents

the Dallas cowboys cheerleaders!

[Band playing "no more tears (Enough is enough)"]

[No audible dialogue]

[Applause]

[Cheering]

[Music stops]

[Band strikes up again]

[Cheering]

[Whistles]

Bravo!

Oh!

[Music stops]

What a shame we didn't meet until last night.

Say, maybe you ought to think about coming down to Dallas.

I could use a bright young girl like you in the business.

You know what I mean?

[Laughing] Sure I do!

Where have I heard that?

[Southern accent] I just might get down to Dallas myself.

You think you could?

Sure! You know how close the captain and I are.

Next time we go down to acapulco,

I might have him detour through Texas.

Bye.

[Southern accent] Bye!

We'll have to go cruising with you again, Isaac.

And who knows, next time there might even be a bride in the honeymoon suite.

That'd make a nice change.

So long.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Isaac.

Hey!

Listen, I hope you enjoyed the cruise.

Oh, it was wonderful! It was so exciting.

And last night was terrific.

It was just spectacular.

Yeah, those cheerleaders were great.

Cheerleaders?

I'm talking about Walter.

Walter, Walter, all right!

Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

Okay. Bye-bye.

See you, Isaac.

Gee it was sure great meeting you Mrs. Latham.

I hope that both of you can come and visit us when we get settled.

My wife is, among many other things, a fantastic cook.

Oh, that sounds great. I love Japanese food.

Don't be too surprised if you get hot dogs and French fries.

-Goodbye. -Sayonara.

Sayonara!

"Sayonara!" you doubled your vocabulary.

Oh.

Well, it certainly was a memorable cruise, your highness, but...

Some things just don't add up.

Why should

all things add up?

Please accept this gift for you and your friend, the gambler.

But Ted doesn't gamble.

I see.

Well, someday, you must tell Janet

how close she came to being a desert bride.

They're keys, car keys.

With best wishes from me...

And your other good friends,

whom I let in on this secret.

[Squeals, chatter]

[Excited chatter]

[All] Bye!

Bye!

See ya!

Bye!

[All chattering]