Original subtitles

♪ My dewy-eyed Disney bride, what has tried♪

♪ Swapping your blood with formaldehyde?♪

♪ Monsters?♪

♪ Whiskey-plied voices cried fratricide♪

♪ Jesus, don't you know that you could've died?♪

♪ You should've died♪

♪ With the monsters that talk♪

♪ Monsters that walk the earth♪

♪ And she's got red lipstick and a bright pair of shoes♪

♪ And she's got knee-high socks, what to cover a bruise♪

♪ She's got an old death kit she's been meaning to use♪

♪ She's got blood in her eyes, in her eyes for you♪

♪ She's got blood♪

♪ In her eyes for you♪

♪ Certain fads♪

♪ Stripes and plaids♪

♪ Singles ads♪

♪ They run you hot and cold like a rheostat♪

♪ I mean a thermostat♪

♪ So you bite on a towel♪

♪ Hope it won't hurt too bad♪

♪ My dewy-eyed Disney bride, what has tried♪

♪ Swapping your blood with formaldehyde?♪

♪ And she says, "I like long walks and sci-fi movies♪

♪ "You're six foot tall and East Coast bred♪

♪ "Some lonely night we can get together♪

♪ "And I'm gonna tie your wrists with leather♪

♪ "And drill a tiny hole into your head♪

♪ I'm gonna drill a tiny hole into your..."♪

So, what is this about?

- No idea.

But it's not an exorcism?

His Eminence said she'll be

the scariest woman that we've ever met.

- Seriously? - I don't know. He chuckled.

So, uh, how many days

before you're cooked?

18 days.

And we can't convince you to give it up?

You will never get laid again.

That's not what I hear. Priests do pretty well.

I'm sorry. That's a weird thing to say.

Thank you for coming in early.

This is Ms. Anita Iota.

And these are our assessors, David, Kristen...

- Ben. Ben.

Hello.

So, uh, Ms. Iota, how can we help you?

We need your advice.

We? Who's we?

The IRS.

Is the Church being audited?

Why? Should it be?

An IRS joke.

I'm sure the Catholic Church is using every penny

of its substantial funds for altruistic purposes.

Yeah, except for the lawsuits.

Ms. Iota has requested the Church form

a new opinion on an organization

applying for federal recognition as a religion.

For tax-exempt purposes?

- Yes. As part of our process,

we consider the opinions of neighboring

federally recognized religions.

What new religion?

The New Ministry of Satan.

The New Ministry? There's an old one?

- Several. - And what does the IRS base its decision on?

Four criteria.

The organization must be operated exclusively

for worshipping a deity or deities.

The nature of that deity is not in question.

It is that the organization actually believes in it.

The net earnings may not inure

to the benefit of one person.

The organization's purposes may not be illegal.

Are you texting?

No, it's just how she take notes.

Finally,

No substantial part of the church's activity

should be about influencing legislation or politics.

- Really? Well, I would admit

that criteria is more honored in the breach.

So that's all you have to do to become a religion?

And some combination of a creed,

history, literature and place of worship.

So you want us to stop it from being tax-exempt?

We don't determine that.

But it would be helpful if you could guide the IRS

to see that it doesn't deserve tax-exempt status.

What if they actually believe in Satan?

Belief is the greatest hurdle to tax-exempt status,

but it's not the only hurdle.

Is this church involved in politics,

or can it be implied that it is?

You mean unlike the Catholic Church?

The key is to not look biased against their beliefs.

We have to use the language of the IRS to stop this church.

So, uh, where is this church?

That doesn't look like the Ministry of Satan.

Yeah, I'd call that hiding your light under a bushel.

- What? Is that blasphemous? - Why don't you let me do the talking?

You afraid they're gonna convert us?

What do you need?

Uh, we're here at the request of the Internal Revenue Service.

Oh, right. Uh, be right down.

Hi. Graham Lucian, chief of operations.

You the Catholic team?

Yes, uh, David, Kristen and Ben.

Step into my office, please. Good to meet you guys.

We've already had the, uh, Presbyterians and the Mormons.

Good guys.

They said they'd pray for us.

I said I'd pray for them, too.

- I think that freaked them out. - You pray a lot?

morning, noon and night.

- Are they answered? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Our Father Below controls the world,

so I get exactly what I want.

- Yeah, like what? - Oh...

My enemies harmed, uh,

no gray hair, no acne, parking spaces.

- Are your prayers answered? - I don't pray.

Really? Must be the New Catholicism.

Do you believe in Satan?

Wow, you guys really jump into it, huh?

Uh, yeah, but I wouldn't call it belief.

I know Satan.

Hmm. How do you know him?

Do you guys want a drink?

No, we're good. How do you know Satan?

The same way you know Jesus.

He just makes sense to you, describes the world to you.

Satan does the same for me.

Except not you.

Is this your formal place of worship?

No, no. God, this is the front office.

We've only been up and running six months.

Temple's in the back. Come on.

So, what are you doing?

- Uh, filling orders. - Yeah?

- Mm-hmm. - You mind if I see?

Uh, sure.

How much are these?

Those are all 35.

- Are they popular? - Oh, yeah.

More so at Christmas.

Mm. So this is a big moneymaker?

Our cost is about six bucks.

So... you tell me.

Which one is the favorite?

Mm...

This one.

We're most proud of our statue of Baphomet.

So this is your established place of worship?

Yes. One of the IRS requirements.

You seem very aware of what we need.

Well, I've been reading the IRS literature.

Have to clear that tax-exempt bar.

- Do you have regular service? - We do.

When?

Friday, 8:00 p.m. Join us.

A distinct membership?

Oh, we doubled our membership in, uh, two months.

Yeah, from what to what?

- I'd have to check those numbers. - Guess.

Started with eight, and now we have 12.

Not much of a congregation.

It's as many as Christ had.

And here is some of our literature.

What's your creed?

Do what you want unless it hurts someone.

If someone presents themselves as your adversary, destroy them.

And look for rewards now, not after.

- Satan, all glory. -"Destroy them"? How?

Not in any way that would break the laws of the United States.

Tell me how you pray to Satan.

Oh, Father Below, lend me your power

to do what I want to who I want, and, uh...

take away all my regrets, burning them in your hellfire,

and... et cetera, et cetera.

Not much of a prayer.

Well, I'm working on it.

This is a scam, isn't it?

Oh, ye of little faith.

No more a scam than your Church.

Let me ask you a question.

If this church doesn't really believe in Satan

and all they're doing is just selling T-shirts,

then aren't they just harmless?

Yeah, possibly.

Let's collect our data and brief His Eminence.

The exorcism will be spread over three nights,

six hours every night.

You'll want to quit, but quitting is not an option.

I won't quit, Father.

I never do.

This is the final rite of exorcism.

It is intense, and it's grueling.

- But in the end, I'll be clean? - Or dead.

Whoa.

That's a bit melodramatic.

I will be performing the rite.

We'll start tonight.

But I need you to sign this consent form.

It acknowledges the possible dangers.

Can I have a minute to read this

and consult with my spiritual counselor?

I need your answer by the time I leave,

or I'm moving on to the next exorcism.

- Ouch.

Not a lot of Christian love there.

Oh, he sees through you.

- What is that? - Hmm?

Oh.

Where is this place?

The address is on the back.

They're looking for new members.

This is blasphemy.

What are you smiling about?

These idiots don't believe in Satan.

They're just co-opting the Devil to get press

and piss off religious people.

And tax-exempt status.

Sons of bitches.

These people should be strung up by their toes,

their throats slit and the blood poured on an altar.

How do you know they don't believe?

Look at this. "We're not a time-share."

Look at these pictures.

Kids, picnics.

"Satan cares about your future."

What, are they insane?

What is belief in Satan about?

Power.

Rejection of authority.

Manipulation. Violence.

Disgust with people like you.

This guy, this dick--

Graham-- he doesn't care about any of that.

He's just using it.

Here, go ahead.

Tell that priest I'm ready.

When you tell me that you're fine

and I know that you're not,

it makes me feel confused about our relationship.

- Yeah, but that's because I am fine. Kristen.

Mirroring.

When I say I'm fine even though you know I'm not fine,

it makes you confused in our relationship.

- Is that what you're saying? - Yes.

And would you like to add anything to that?

No.

Good.

Kristen, your turn.

When you keep asking me, "Are you fine?"

even though I am fine,

it makes me think that you feel guilty

about leaving your family for six months out of the year.

- Kristen. - What?

He can speak his truth, I can't speak mine?

As long as it's not score settling.

Oh, my gosh. Can we just talk, Andy?

- Yeah, we haven't been talking. - Well, then talk to me now.

- What is the problem? You know,

I think it's best to stick with the mirror exercise.

Are you sleeping with someone?

Well, good.

The truth exercise.

Kurt, shh.

No, I'm not sleeping with anyone.

Not Ben?

What? No.

Of course not.

Not David?

No.

He's becoming a priest. Uh...

I would never.

Are you sleeping with anyone?

Kristen, look at me and tell me

that you're not sleeping with David.

Andy, I-I shouldn't have to tell you anything.

You should trust me as I trust you.

Okay. Good session.

Andy, would you excuse, um, us for-for just a minute?

I thought that went well.

Kurt, I'm hallucinating again.

Are you still taking the risperidone?

Yeah, two a night.

- And there's no progress? - No.

If-if anything, it's-it's worse.

Well...

I think I should prescribe something else.

Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.

God, the Father in heaven...

God, the Son, Redeemer of the world...

Stop. I'm on fire.

I need some water.

My body is on fire.

Holy Mary, pray for us. Holy Mother of God, Holy Virgin.

[deep, demonic voice]: Do you really believe that Mary was a virgin?

That whore.

All holy saints of God...

Stop it. Stop it, please.

You're hurting me.

Holy Lord, Almighty Father...

She said stop.

You do not know the power you provoke.

Apostate tyrant to the flames of hell.

- All holy saints of God...

Are you all right, David?

No.

He couldn't fake that, could he?

Fake that?

No.

He's sleeping now.

We'll return tomorrow.

Hey.

- Waiting on Ben? - Uh-huh.

Um, real quick, Kristen.

I'm gonna need your help tonight.

Okay. With what?

Leland's exorcism.

Are you kidding?

- Why? - Something changed.

I don't know what. It...

You were talking about this adrenaline jolt

with Raymond Strand.

- Hysterical strength. - Right.

I think there's something like that here.

He launched a priest against a wall.

He launched...?

He kicked a priest,

who flew eight feet across the room.

And there were, uh,

these voices coming out of him.

Do you think Leland's starting to take his exorcism seriously?

No, I...

I think God is.

$23,000 a month.

$9,000 a month total.

Not much money in Satanism.

Not yet, but their, uh, T-shirt sales

are up 20% each month.

And their Christmas sales should be up 80% over last year.

So you think the best way of stopping them

is criteria number two, they're making money?

Yeah.

I mean, this operating officer

has tripled his business over the last year.

I agree.

I have something I want you to hear.

This came in this morning.

I saw a beast come out of the sea

with ten horns and seven heads.

It was granted authority over every tribe,

people, tongue, nation.

And all that were on earth worshipped the Beast.

I am Bishop Jim from the New Ministry,

and this is your holy scripture and doctrine.

It is ours as well. Praise Satan.

This sounds like someone who believes.

Find out if this Bishop Jim is faking it or not.

We're here to see Bishop Jim.

Hey, thanks for coming.

Jim wanted to meet you.

Are you having services here tonight?

Yeah, back there.

That's Iris.

- Nice lady. - Seems it.

Hey, the Catholic Church could do a hell of a lot better

with altar girls like her.

Note taken.

You grant us indulgence

in our carnal desires...

Wow. Good production values.

Jim is the Sister Aimee of Satanism.

Hail Satan.

Giver of the fruit of free will

that delivered us from blind ignorance and allegiance.

Hail Satan. Hail Satan.

You grant us indulgence

in our carnal desires.

Hail Satan.

Jim. You got a minute?

Ah.

These are the Catholic assessors.

Yes.

Hello, David, Kristen, Ben.

We didn't want to, uh, interrupt your services.

Oh. No, no.

This is just a dress rehearsal.

Ooh. Can I see?

Sure.

Oh, Saint Christopher.

Hmm? Why him?

- Why do you think? - Large man.

Wanted to serve the greatest king,

so he served my Father Below.

Until he realized Satan feared God,

so he wasn't the greatest.

How things have changed.

If Christopher were alive today, who would he serve?

- You tell me. - How did we kill him again?

Burning metal rods up his ass, right?

He resisted.

All he had to do was condemn God, but he resisted.

That's power.

Really? Who would you rather be?

The man having burning rods stuck up his ass

or the man putting them there?

Do you, uh, pray to Satan? All the time.

Ask me about our creed.

I know the IRS cares about our creed.

You find these religious debates boring, too?

Jim could go on for hours and hours.

What do you want out of this?

Is this some kind of IRS trap?

Of course.

Look, I believe in the real Satan.

Right? Not some cute little horned papier-mâché doll.

I believe in force, a tide of power.

- Satan as metaphor? - No, it's real.

When you hate someone

for cutting you off in traffic, is that real?

If you're married and you flirt with someone,

they brush up against you and you feel their erection,

is that real?

You think it's Satan?

It's not God.

God wants us to live castrated.

But I look at you, and I see your nipples

peeking through your blouse.

That's not God.

No, that's your imagination.

Look, Satan loves female sexuality.

He wants women to take charge.

Ah, and yet, all I see is half-naked women here.

I mean, for a phallic religion, it's not a lot of phalluses.

Join us, you could change all of that.

We still need a chair for the women's auxiliary.

Am I funny?

Yeah, yeah.

Whenever I see white supremacists marching,

or gamer boys trolling women online,

or you, I always wonder, don't you guys have day jobs?

You still going out?

Yeah. Work.

I, uh, thought we'd have dinner together.

Tomorrow's my last day.

I already promised.

Let's do it tomorrow.

God damn you.

May God arise.

May His enemies be scattered.

Please stop, stop, stop!

- Please, please. - May His foes flee before Him

- as smoke is blown away... - Fuck you.

...by the wind.

You can't hurt him.

I am not deceived.

We are the deception.

Sancte Michael Archangele, defende nos in proelio...

- Holy Lord,

Almighty Father of our Lord Jesus Christ...

- Hold on to him!

Saint Michael the Archangel,

defend us in battle.

Be our protection against the wickedness

and snares of the Devil.

Be our protection against the wickedness

and snares of the Devil!

O Prince of the Heavenly Father,

by the power of God, cast into Hell

all the evil spirits who prowl about the world

- seeking the ruin of souls.

O Prince of the Heavenly Host,

by the power of God, cast into Hell

and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world

seeking the ruin of souls.

No. No.

It's not real.

It's not real, it's not real...

...defende nos in proelio,

contra nequitiam et insidias

diaboli esto praesidium...

Tequila.

What a coincidence.

Hey.

You know, I was just thinking about you.

What?

Are you following me?

Something like that.

You trying to convert me?

No.

No, I don't really believe.

And I don't think you do, either.

Let's go.

Where?

Get in.

Lower your pants.

No foreplay?

Lower your pants.

- You done this before? - What do you care?

I'm just making small talk.

No.

So what is this about?

What do you think?

Ah.

This is my advice.

Go upstairs quietly, take a bath,

wash every inch of you, then drain the water

and take a shower.

Gargle, get a trash bag,

put all of those clothes in it, and tell nobody.

I don't know what you think happened, Mom.

I know what happened, honey.

It was the same when I came home to Dad.

Put some real garbage

in the trash bag on top of your clothes.

The trash is collected tomorrow.

I'll take it out before Andy can see.

I just... I had something on my panties. That's all.

Something sticky?

Listen, um, if you ever want to talk, I don't judge.

Yeah, what do you need?

- Help.

Too tired.

Sheryl, you know I would only call if...

Leland, you're no fun when you're needy.

I'm not trying to be fun!

Oh, God.

You know this only works if it's transactional, right?

What do you want?

Oh, I don't know. What you got?

Edward.

Okay.

Give me 20 minutes.

Bring root beer.

How did it go?

Fine.

Just your everyday exorcism.

We made cookies. We missed you.

Oh, I missed you, too.

Oh...

Oh, I'm really glad.

Hmm? What's wrong?

Just something in the bathroom.

Kurt, I'm hallucinating.

I-I-I know. We're modifying your medication.

No, I have to stop right now.

No more olanzapine.

No more, uh, amisulpride to alleviate

the side effects of the olanzapine...

Kristen, we agreed it was a good idea...

I'm seeing monsters that aren't there.

But coming down from the medication can be

- just as dangerous... - Who are you working for?

What?

Are you sleeping with my mom?

Is-is she having you do this?

- What? - I don't believe you, Kurt.

- Not anymore. - Kristen, this is paranoia.

It would be paranoia if I had no justification.

Sit down. Let's talk.

No. You're fired.

What?

I am done coming here.

That is not a good idea.

It's the best idea I've had.

You're in league with them.

You gave my therapy notes to Leland.

They were stolen.

And now you're sleeping with my mom

and you're feeding her information.

- We need to talk.

Okay, you tell me again how I'm paranoid.

- I am on with my wife. - Sure!

Listen. Talk to her.

Hey, Leland.

Hello?

♪ Mahna mahna♪

♪ Mahna mahna♪

Leland?

♪ Mahna mahna♪

Hello?

Where are you?

Oh, God.

Wha-What is going on?

- I'm being hunted.

Okay, come on.

Get up. Let's go.

I don't think I can stand.

Oh, please don't be such a baby.

Fine.

Come on. Come here. Let's go.

Sit first. Sit.

One leg up.

The other leg.

You okay?

There you go.

All right.

- Drink this.

All right. More?

The two women from the airport.

How many more nights of this?

- What? - This... exorcism.

One.

Can you survive it?

Yes.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Remember our agreement?

I do.

All righty, then.

Rinse off.

And you're saying this has nothing to do

with your deep philosophical differences

with the New Ministry of Satan?

Correct. The organization fails

two of the IRS's four core criteria.

It is not operated exclusively for worshipping Satan.

- Uh, Kristen? - Yes.

Six months before this "church" was formed,

Graham Lucian and Jim Logger were selling these T-shirts.

And they only created this pamphlet

when they applied for tax-exempt status.

Anything else?

Yes. The, uh, net earnings are for one individual. Ben?

Yeah, the, uh, bank statements show that the profits

were pocketed by Graham Lucian,

including the church collections.

As you can see, our assessors

are not biased, but they do conclude

that the New Ministry of Satan

does not live up to IRS standards.

Well presented.

The two gentlemen from this church

have asked to be heard after your presentation.

What?

They've argued that your team is biased,

and they wanted to offer their piece.

Mr. Lucian, Mr. Logger, please come in.

Oh, look who it is. Hi, Jesus.

Gentlemen.

Lady.

So, what's the bias?

I'm an atheist.

I don't care who you worship.

- And Kristen is an agnostic. - I know.

We talked.

Then what is the bias?

Ah.

Kristen slept with me last night,

and now she wants to hurt me.

Really?

Well, that's an original way to go.

Kristen, any response?

Is this not true?

Oh, are you kidding me?

I would rather sleep with Satan himself.

You are such a liar.

What do you want me to do?

Swear on a stack of Bibles or the Satanic Bible?

You tell me.

Okay.

I think we're done here.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Um, we're not.

Satan isn't.

He's coming for you.

All three of you.

Take care.

Well, that proves one thing.

No matter how powerful Satan and God are,

the IRS is stronger.

- Please, no. Please stop it. May God arise.

May His enemies be scattered.

May His foes flee!

Help me, Satan. Deliver me.

He is on your side.

I will be delivered.

May His foes flee before Him.

As smoke is blown away by the wind,

may you blow them away.

- O Prince of the Heavenly Host,

by the power of God, cast into Hell

and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world

seeking the ruin of souls.

I believe in God, the Father Almighty.

Creator of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ.

Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit.

Do you renounce the Devil and all his works?

- I do. I do.

Do you tell the Devil

that he no longer has power over you

because you no longer live in his kingdom of darkness?

I do. I do.

Do you claim the protecting power of God?

I am a new man.

Father, you did it.

You have given me a fresh start.

I can't thank you enough. Thank you. Thank you.

It's not over yet.

You need to pray every night.

Here is my own personal rosary.

Oh, my God.

That is so sweet of you.

David, look.

I am so blessed.

But I hope that David will remain

my spiritual adviser.

I would advise it.

Kristen?

Hello?

Kristen?

Are you all right?

Have you been in there all this time?

Are you okay?

I am.

Did that one get to you?

What one?

The exorcism.

I lost you in the middle of it.

I was wondering if you were done with this job.

No, I'm just getting started.

Can I ask you...

If you don't believe in God,

can an exorcism work on you?

Sure.

God exists despite what any individual thinks.

Right, but for a placebo to work,

a patient has to believe in the drug.

Yes, but...

an exorcism isn't a placebo.

That's where you and I disagree.

Oh, wow.

I don't think I've ever seen the stars like this in the city.

New moon.

Oh, my gosh.

My husband leaves tonight.

When?

Ten minutes.

Oh, you better hurry, huh?

Sorry.

Uh, hey.

Thanks for being here.

Hey.

Just wanted to say goodbye.

Your Uber is outside.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

I'm sure Kristen had to work late.

- Yeah. Just tell her I'll call. - Definitely.

You've reached Andy Bouchard at Eighth Summit Trekking.

Please leave a message.

Andy, I'm on my way home.

Please don't leave yet. I'm...

I'm so sorry. I-I need to see you.

I've... I've been off.

I've... And it's not you.

It's... it-it's been me, and...

I'm so sorry. You and the kids are...

are the best thing that ever happened to me.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

No.

My gosh.

- Oh! - Mmm.

I got your message.

I was worried I'd missed you.

I got another flight for tomorrow.

Here.

What's this?

This is a fire puja.

It's for purification.

It's Tibetan Buddhism.

So, what you do is,

you...

write down the thing that you want purified,

and then you dip the paper in some butter-- or margarine.

Okay.

So you write your affliction.

And go.

Oh, and if it involves a person,

you draw a circle of protection around the name.

Why?

Because burning a person's name is not a good thing.

Now, we never mention this to each other ever again.

My God, this is so much better

than that mirror exercise.

- Okay. - Okay.

Dip it in here.

- It's warm. - Okay.

Okay.

- You ready? - Yeah.

One, two, three. Go.

What happens now?

I go sell the business.

And when I come home...

...you and I have a fresh start.

Hey.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org