Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language

and conversations about sexual abuse that some may find upsetting

I'm Mark O'Sullivan, and I'm an actor, a writer and a comedian.

Nice and quiet, please. Here we go, ready.

Rehearsing...and action.

This is a documentary about me making a sitcom

about being sexually abused when I was a child.

Hi! Hi!

Hi, guys. This is Steve!

And cut. OK, right, is everyone ready?

Super! Let's make magic happen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mark, why are you doing this?

TAPE WHIRS

To make this sitcom, I've got to back into my past.

And I've got to really face the things that happened to me

and the ways in which it's affected my life.

I found this photo.

We were on holiday in Norfolk.

I know it was from before the abuse started.

The Mark in that photo is the Mark that exists...

..in that other half of my life...

..in the pre-it-happening part.

I can see how excited I am

and how much I was enjoying that holiday.

I love it and it makes me really sad.

It makes me really, really sad.

I must have been about 11 or 12 when it first happened.

The man who abused me was a member of my extended family.

He's dead now.

And although he wasn't a blood relative,

he was very much a part of our...

..our family.

My dad died really suddenly when I was 15.

And I hadn't told him.

But I did try to tell my mum and she was ill.

She died when I was 20.

She didn't really want to kind of hear it.

She kind of closed down the conversation straight away.

Toni is one of my family's oldest friends,

and she knew my mum and dad really well from way before I was born.

Do you remember me when I was little?

I do, yes. THEY LAUGH

You were a dear little boy.

I really, really kind of struggled -

and for lots of reasons, you know.

The reason that we're here. Hmm.

Because of...

Did you...?

I never know if the people around me kind of noticed that...

I never did.

Really? No, cos if I'd known this, I would've took you in, Mark.

Now, I feel really guilty knowing that this happened

and I couldn't do any... I could've helped you, Mark.

I was just in such a mess.

Hmm. And I didn't know...

I didn't know how to even talk about it, you know?

I didn't tell anyone about what had happened to me for years.

Yeah, I just couldn't.

I knew as soon as I said something, it would blow everything apart.

I mean, I used to speak to him... Yeah.

..walking up the road sometimes. He'd stop me, and...

And you wouldn't know, would you? I would never have known of it, no.

So, obviously a lot of my work in television

has been comedy.

That's right.

I'm making a sitcom about being abused.

Oh, right. A comedy? Yeah.

Oh, OK. THEY LAUGH

See, that's my favourite type of response.

Yeah. Because...yeah.

It's easier for you, obviously, to come out that way. Is it?

You're... I think you're the first person

to just instantly sort of get it.

Yeah, it helps you in your way... Yeah.

..explaining it. Yeah, it really does, it really does.

I'd always wanted to do comedy,

and I remember my first time performing on stage at school -

the sort of adulation.

So I'd always kind of written sketches and things

and made stupid films with my mates.

Whenever I was doing anything like that, I felt more alive

and happier than at any other time.

I've been sexually abused!

I've been sexually abused.

I've been sexually abused!

The sitcom I'm writing,

I have to sort of bring it to life in the room with me.

So I have to do all the voices.

And then we're going to perform it in front of a live studio audience.

I'm assuming they've told you about the old family...thing.

The style I'm going for in the sitcom

is sort of deliberately cartoonish.

It's that mainstream family sitcom with a laughter track,

the ones that I grew up watching in the '80s and '90s.

He's a bit of a soft touch, isn't he?

The sitcom, it's not a recreation of what happened to me.

So, it's my story, not quite my story,

a sort of version of me.

I got paedo-ed. HE MAKES EXPLOSION NOISES

Nonced.

I'm playing the boy who's abused, who's called Mark.

I didn't want to put someone else in that situation,

because you'd be watching someone young and vulnerable

actually being groomed and actually being abused.

It's not the sort of thing you just come out with.

I said to the abuser, many years later,

I said, "If I ever find out you've done it to anyone else,

"I will go to the police," and that's what happened.

I was in my early 30s.

Where do you allege the defendant touched you?

So there's a court case in the sitcom.

And even though in real life,

the real court case was awful and traumatic,

it's the bit where I realise so many stupidly hilarious things happened.

You scatter his ashes.

Take him. No, you scatter him. It's your dad.

Miles and I have been best friends for almost 20 years.

And we knew as soon as we met

that we found the same horribly dark things funny.

I want you to do it. I want you to do it.

And he would want you to do it as well. I don't want to do it.

I don't want to do it, you are going to do it.

Yeah, but he would want you to.

DISTANTLY: You're going to scatter the ashes!

You're going to scatter the ashes!

YELLING

Miles, as well as being my comedy writing partner,

came to the court case with me.

And because I, as a witness, wasn't allowed to sit in

on the court case, he would sit in.

So he actually saw more of the court case than I did.

Do you remember the last thing the defence barrister said to me? I do.

"He's a bit of a soft touch, isn't he?"

That's exactly what they said to me. Which was like...

..you know. I know, it wasn't... It was really uncomfortable.

Really uncomfo-... And do you know what...? But funny.

But funny.

But it's so fucked up.

You know me better than...

Yeah. ..anyone.

Yeah. Like, if you had to explain why I was doing this,

what would... What would you say?

The best way to deal with anything that's really traumatic

is through humour, without a doubt.

It takes its...

It takes its sting away.

And, you know, some people might say

that you're being indulgent by doing this.

I don't think so. But I think you're...

Who's saying... Who's saying I'm being indulgent?

Are you saying I'm being...? No, I'm just saying.

Some pe-...? Who are these "some people"?

Well, I don't know. We'll find out, won't we?

LAUGHTER

Have you ever had a day where you haven't thought about it?

No.

Horrible.

Yeah, that's really horrible.

I wish I didn't feel as vulnerable as I feel all the time.

But when you and I make these jokes, I don't feel like a victim. No.

I sort of feel like the victor,

because look what we look what... Look what we've done to it.

Sucking all the horribleness and the shit out of it... Yeah.

..and seeing it for what it is, you know.

What is it? Don't know.

Sexual abuse, innit? Sorry.

See, again, see, you're laugh-... See, that's...

Oh, no, I-I am. That makes me happy because...

Honestly, this is... ..we're dealing with a,

This is... This is it - you're dealing with

an incredibly dark, uncomfortable subject...

Yeah. ..by laughing at it. How good is that?

And not... Maybe not many people would want to do it that way.

No, I mean, yeah, I could've written a poem couldn't I, or...? Yeah.

Or just shut up about it.

Day one rehearsals.

We're going to look at those scenes between Mark

and the defence barrister, all the courtroom scenes.

There's another character joining us today

which I am properly excited about revealing -

and that is Uncle Steve.

When did I tell you about it?

Cos we've known each other for so many years.

I don't know. I was thinking about this the other day.

I think it was probably pretty early on in our working relationship.

Er... But I think that's because you find it easier to talk about

when you're taking the piss. Really?

Yeah...Yeah, when you're joking about it, you find it easier

to talk about, I think. Yeah.

You've got to go really careful.

Like, the title in itself is going to make some people

feel really uncomfortable. Yeah.

And I think that's why it's clever to do that sitcom world -

cos everyone feels comfortable there. Like, "Oh, OK. It can't..."

It can't be that bad if it's in a sitcom.

Yeah, "They're not going to do anything really awful

"cos we're in the..." Like, "We know there's an audience."

The point you're trying to make is,

"No-one talks about this cos it's so uncomfortable,

"so if I make it not uncomfortable, perhaps we can talk about it."

That's the judge there.

This is me where I'm going to be giving my evidence here.

And then in the dock, you know, our paedophile.

Our p... Our paedop-... Our paedophile?

The people's paedophile.

Hey, this... He's OUR paedophile.

THE paedophile. The paedophile.

The paedophile...

..is a bear.

Fucking hell.

I spent a long time thinking about how to show the abuser.

You don't expect a teddy bear to be sexually abusing kids.

And also he doesn't speak...

..so we don't have to try and get into his mind at all.

Could you please describe to the court in the simplest terms possible

why you are here to give testimony today?

So I'm here because I was...

..diddled, fiddled.

I was abused, sexually abused.

And can you see the individual you accuse of abusing you in this room?

Yes, yes, I can.

He's over there.

HE LAUGHS

Fucking hell.

I don't know which way to go with the bear.

It's a really odd thing to be doing

and an unpredictable thing to be doing.

It could be a disaster.

People might be outraged or offended,

and how on earth can you laugh at such a serious matter?

I'm not laughing at sexual abuse.

And I'm not laughing at victims of sexual abuse.

So, I'm looking for a location to film the courtroom scenes

in the sitcom.

This is sort of scarily perfect,

but it's sort... It's horrible...in a good way.

And even though I was like in my 30s when my case went to court,

I was in my 30s when I reported what had happened to me

to the police...

..it was, you know, impossible to be in a room like this

and not feel really small and vulnerable again.

All these people there doing their job,

and their job is to listen

to someone like me describing...

..one of the very worst moments of my life.

Giving evidence, being cross-examined is horrific.

And it was just hours and hours and hours of, "You're lying."

And then even when he was found guilty

and went to prison,

then there are still people in my family saying it didn't happen.

You know, "You're still lying. We're the victims here."

"We're the victims."

It honestly...

..never ends.

Well...

What I hope is that this sitcom...

Somehow, I think this is my full stop.

THEY LAUGH

Steve!

I would... I'd get rid right in my grille.

Yeah... Yeah, yeah. Like, force me back.

Er... Steve, I... Yeah.

THEY LAUGH Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

That's it, yeah, yeah.

So today we're rehearsing all of the sitcom scenes,

the ones that we're going to be doing live in front of the studio audience.

For the first time, we've got the full cast.

So joining me and Sam and Cariad are Rufus Jones, who's playing my dad...

Nice, nice to meet you. D-do you...

Do you h... What do you drive? The...

THEY LAUGH

..and Ellie Taylor, who's playing my mum.

Are they here yet?

The reason for me setting this in a family domestic setting

is because that is where most cases of abuse happen.

What I want this family to represent is kind of every family.

Hi, Jim's the name.

There's the mum and dad.

GASPS: They're here. They're here. Right, cushions! Cushions, cushions!

Then there's the sister of the mum, Auntie Becks.

SHE LAUGHS Hi! Hi.

Guys, this is... SHE CHUCKLES

..Steve! Hi!

She's the person who brings in Steve.

And everyone loves him...

..which is what happened in my real story.

And so for that reason, it makes sense that we use

the same actor to play the aunt and the barrister.

The Auntie Becks character, in real life,

you know, was the villain just because she didn't...

Well, I suppose because she didn't believe me.

But then the other villain, you know, for me was...

..was the defence barrister. Yeah, yeah.

So...

What do you think?

I think he is lovely.

Oh, isn't he? Hmm.

Yes, and he is fit.

Oh, my God, he's so fit! So fit. So fit.

Uh, so Steve actually fancies a breath of fresh air, everyone.

Erm... Mark, do you, do you, do you want to kick about with him?

Oh, great, great, I mean...

It's really easy to think that this only happens

to certain kids in certain types of family.

And what I'm desperate to show with this is that

it can and does happen anywhere to anyone.

A couple of years ago, some friends of ours had just bought a VR headset

and it was amazing.

And when I was playing with it, I thought, "I can make anything here."

Then I thought, "I could make the house I grew up in."

And I did.

And then I thought, "I wonder what it would be like

"to build the room where I was first abused."

And being in that space, I mean, it WAS weird.

But I was there on my terms

and I could control what happened in it.

I'm sure there are parallels between that

and this sitcom.

You know, cour-... I mean, of course there are.

This is the room.

And then down here was a big old wardrobe.

And I remember it had...

..soft toys all along the top of it, all staring at me.

How did it start?

I was asked if I could stay round at his and...

..his partner used to work nights.

They wanted someone in the house

because they were worried that he wouldn't wake up

if their baby woke up. I'd expected to be sort of sleeping in the room

with the baby cos there was a...

There was a single bed in there as well,

but as we were going to bed, he said,

"I don't want you sort of disturbing the baby by going in there."

"Why don't you sleep in the double bed with me?"

And that's when everything changed.

That's where he was,

that side of the bed nearest the window.

And this is the side that I slept on.

And even though it's the closest to the door,

I still felt completely trapped in here.

11, 12-year-old kid.

And he, you know, forced me to be a sexual object.

It's not like a conversation about it,

suddenly you are a sexual object,

you're being used for sexual gratification

at a time when your body and your mind just aren't ready for it.

And that fucks you up.

It fucks you up at the time and it fucks you up for the...

For years after.

I mean...

..lots of things happened over the years,

but this first time...

..was the worst.

Sexual abuse is the ultimate kind of loss of control.

Any type of sort of sexual violence like that,

you're rendered powerless.

And because you can't - or at least I couldn't - say anything,

I couldn't tell anyone who could do something about it.

I'm tying myself up in knots here. You sort of feel like you're...

..you're somehow complicit in what happened to you.

I was kind of defective, I was wrong.

And I didn't want anyone to see how broken I was.

So why didn't you tell anyone when it happened?

Why did you wait so long?

Well, it's not the sort of thing you just come out with.

You can't just go, "Dad?" Yeah?

"I've been sexually abused!"

Oh, right. Erm, have you seen your mum?

I want to show her the latest creation.

I think I'm laughing at intricate webs we all weave

as families that allow these things to happen.

People tend to take sides.

Me going to the police and it going to court

absolutely cut the family in half.

And my favourite aunt didn't understand why

I didn't want to see her any more.

The member of my family who was married to him,

she was probably the member of my family

that I was closest to growing up.

When she did eventually find out,

you know, she sided with him and I can't forgive her.

And I don't think I'll ever, ever forgive her.

Despite still being sort of 17 in my head,

somehow I've been married for 16 years to Jen

and I have two teenage children.

I think when I met Jen, I had to tell her at some point

because, you know, members of my family came to our wedding.

The thing is, you met him.

Yeah, I do remember going round there

and just thinking, "This is weird that we're sat here," cos, like,

I'm sat here knowing what that man did... What he did.

..and we're sitting here talking about...

..nothing, really. Yeah.

Like, small talk. Having to pretend.

Yeah, that everything's fine. Everything's OK, yeah.

And the people who supported him and looked the other way

and pretended it hadn't happened... For me, that's almost worse. ..were bad people.

Really? I don't... I'm not... I don't mean it's worse,

it's just as bad.

Like, not even thinking for one second

about how that sort of destroyed you as a child,

that made me really, really cross with all of them.

That's unforgivable as well.

See, I sort of... I'm sort of worried about asking this.

Mm-hm? Do you...

Do you see it affecting me kind of?

Yeah.

OK. THEY LAUGH

Yeah. Er, it's a massive effect.

And I think it's something you've been trying to process for decades

and a part of you is still trapped in that young boy. Like...

Oh, yeah... Yeah. It kind of stopped certain elements

of you growing up enough...

..if you don't mind me saying.

No, I don't at all. No, I think you're right.

I think you're absolutely right.

I remember so clearly the night that I found out

he'd abused someone else. Hmm.

What did you think when I said, "I'm going to go to the police"?

I remember thinking it was a really good thing for you to be doing,

but also was really worried cos obviously it was starting

a real shit storm, really.

Yeah. Because... And it was, wasn't it? Yeah.

It's almost like that little boy was really coming out,

and you were actually quite difficult,

if you don't mind me saying. No, I don't at all. I...

Yeah, I know. I know I was.

And it was like...

It was a really unpleasant time. Yeah.

Did... Did you mind that I didn't ask you to come to the court?

Erm...

I didn't mind. And in some ways, it was a bit of a relief.

Was it? But it did make...

Oh, if I'm going to be completely honest,

it sort of made me worry about us a little bit.

Oh, really? Yeah. Cos it was like, "Well, why...

"Why didn't you want me there in that kind of biggest moment?"

Not biggest moment,

in that very emotionally vulnerable moment sort of thing.

Oh, I didn't realise that.

I didn't not want you there for any bad reason.

No, no, and I sort of knew...

I know that, but I think it was just such an emotionally

and sort of awful and stressful time anyway,

it was just like another layer on top of that,

if you know what I mean.

I'm sorry that you were worried about us, though. That's all right.

I know. I probably should've said something at the time,

but it was all a bit much, really, wasn't it?

I don't know that we've ever said all of that.

You know, I've al-... I've always known that it affects not only me,

but to hear it...is a bit difficult, you know?

I don't... I don't think I could do much without Jen there as support.

You know, kind of doing this,

I don't think I'd feel strong enough to do it without her.

So what are we doing with this hair? We gonna...?

Oh, that was good, what you did then. Yeah, just like that.

Yes! That sort of sweep... That's perfect. ..to one side.

I think... Yeah. I think that works.

I mean, obviously, you know, it's a 46-year-old man

dressed up like a 12-year-old, but that's OK. But it works.

Today is the first day of filming the sitcom.

These scenes, all the location scenes,

we're going to cut those together,

and then they're kind of played in to the studio

at the points where those scenes happen within the story.

Thank you.

We're filming the scenes where Uncle Steve

grooms 12-year-old Mark, playing football with him.

The actual grooming.

What I really want to know, Sam, is, can you molest a child

with the... With the... ..with the belly on? Yeah. With the belly. Yeah.

I don't think the belly's going to stop me.

LAUGHTER

Shall we see what happens?

OK. All right.

Ready when you are. All right.

All right, then. Yeah. Let's do this, yeah.

Action.

That's good.

Oh, my God!

Yeah. Oh, wait, wait. Oh, it's so horrible.

Playing a 12-year-old today...

I mean, it should be hard, but I find it quite easy.

Cos I-I don't think I've ever quite sort of grown out of being a kid,

so it sort of feels like it comes quite naturally -

even though in, you know, the context of it, it's horrible.

And cut there. Good.

Yeah? Can we watch that? Yeah.

That, that... That's brilliant, that's fucking great.

All right, let's do one more of those, I think. Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

I think the only way to approach these scenes

is that they are fun comedy - cos you're watching something silly -

and that's what this is all about.

It's about sort of trying to get the audience to forget

whilst sort of leading them into a place

where they absolutely have to face it as well.

I think it's all about sort of dressing it up like this,

as something that's innocent and fun,

because that's what it looks like.

If a paedophile starts abusing a child,

they don't kind of turn up in a cape.

The man who abused me, we went on fun days out,

I had a great time with him, a lot of the time.

It was great until it wasn't.

And that's what this should feel like.

It should feel great until it isn't.

Don't... I wouldn't talk to him. No.

For lots of reasons. Erm, OK.

I do understand,

you know, I'm putting myself back in that position of vulnerability.

If I were a therapist, I'd probably be probing into

why I feel the need to basically

be the victim in a recreation of abuse.

So, what are you looking to get out of this sitcom, then?

I want to make people laugh.

Yeah, that's only half of it.

The other half is that I... I want to do this,

I want to express this.

I want to make something positive

out of something that was really, really not positive.

Is it is some sort of recovery

in changing or shaping the narrative to what you want?

Yeah, I'd have thought... I think so.

And I think that's the helplessness that most victims,

particularly children, don't have.

Yeah. They don't control the narrative.

No, it's... You're just part of it.

And it's kind of forced upon you. Hmm.

You know, and that happens when the sexual abuse happens.

And it happens when you're not taken seriously.

In my family, you know, when I tried to tell people, it was...

It was not something they wanted to hear.

Not being seen,

not being taken seriously

and not even having someone to tell, I think, is...

..is one of the hardest things, especially when you do speak up

and people don't take it seriously or they perhaps don't believe you.

Maybe that's why it's so important for you that you share this,

that you put a spotlight on it.

It's... A lot of it is probably, you know, that child inside of me

sort of shouting out, "This happened to me."

You know, I'm kind of letting comedy be the way that I express this.

Hmm. But I guess it's what you do with that.

And I think comedy almost cushions the blow.

Erm, it's not so bad.

But actually, if you strip it back...

..it's devastating.

I-I think you're absolutely right.

Erm... HE CHUCKLES

And in some ways, that makes me question this whole thing.

Well, I think there's always this tendency or need

to want to go to one extreme or the other

and to pick a side.

And I-I don't...

I don't think joy and fun and happiness

is outside of also being serious

and feeling devastated or sad or depressed.

Mm-hm. I think that they can overlap and live together.

But it's important that you don't, erm,

you don't lose the seriousness as well.

I was, er, paedo-ed.

Nonced. I love that word.

Ah, a bit noncey, mate! Er, we...

Day two, location filming for the sitcom

here in an old courthouse.

So all the stuff in the grooming montage, I was kind of 12,

and then today, I'm Adult Mark.

OK. We're feeling good.

Scene one, take one.

Could you please describe to the court why you are here

to give te-... Meh, meh!

Let's go from the top again. Even smiley-er.

Big smile. Even smiley-er? OK, OK. Yeah, big smile, yeah. OK.

OK, still rolling.

OK, and...action.

Could you please tell the court why you are here

to give testimony today?

I was...

..diddled.

Fiddled. HE WHISTLES

I got... HE MAKES EXPLOSION NOISES

..paedo-ed. Nonced. Love that word. HE LAUGHS

I was, er, abused, sexually abused.

And can you see the individual that you accuse

of abusing you in this room?

Yes... Yes, I can.

He's over there.

And cut.

Nice, yeah. Good. Once more for luck.

Just for a moment right at the beginning,

I did feel like I was in that courtroom.

And I did feel the sort of pressure.

I've never been in anything like that before or since.

It's uniquely awful.

It was a weird, unsettling echo of the real thing.

People sort of say to me,

why do I use my own experiences in the work I do?

I have to. I don't know how you can't sort of

use those experiences.

If I can joke about it and poke fun at it, then...

..it's less of a monster.

Lots of comedians I know have used their own trauma,

kind of riffed around it.

I do wonder what another comedian

would make of what I'm trying to do here.

I understand...you've had your own experiences.

Had my own experiences. Kind of two points in my life,

one when I was about eight or nine

and then from the age of 14.

When I was eight, it was with the Cubs.

But I was so ashamed.

They're so clever, paedophiles.

They're so fucking clever.

Er, and I never told, I didn't tell my...

I never told my dad about it.

And I didn't tell my mum until I was like 35.

And she was heartbroken.

So I've always downplayed that.

And the stuff when I was 14,

you know, I would go and meet older men for sex.

When I realised it was abuse,

I was seeing a therapist, and he went, "That's abuse."

I said, "No, it wasn't, I went on my own free will."

He said, "Yeah, but you were 14. They were really old men."

And then it... It dawned on me.

"Oh, shit!" Took me such a long time.

That's literally in the last four years

I've worked out that that was... That was abuse.

I... It's a real relief to hear somebody

sort of describe some of the places I've been.

The similarities are there? Oh, absolutely. Right, yeah.

You know, in terms of not really sort of understanding

or seeing the gravity of what had happened.

Do you think it's ever over?

I still feel a bit of anger around it,

and that anger flares up from time to time. Erm...

What's the anger? Who's... Who's that towards?

Oh, those fucking cunts that did it -

for putting their shit on me,

for making me feel worthless and ashamed.

I'm slightly envious of your rage... OK. ..your anger.

Why is that? What does that mean?

I find it, for whatever reason...

And I usually blame it on,

you know, 20 years of antidepressants. Hmm.

I find it really hard to get to those places.

I mean, maybe what I'm doing here, making a sitcom, is my...

You know, my anger.

How are you going to make this funny? That's the thing.

How are you going to make this funny?

I cannot imagine what it's going to look like

or what it's going to sound like.

You see, I think I can give people permission to laugh with me...

OK. ..at it. Yeah.

I know some people will be completely appalled and aghast by it.

This show's going to get torn apart before it even goes out.

There will be a lot of people looking to catch you out

and to go, "This guy's a fucking..." To cancel you.

People will want to cancel you. Do you think?

Yeah. It's going to be interesting.

I'm sure it's going to be interesting.

I just cannot conceive what it might be like at the moment.

What if I'm just setting myself up for more abuse,

you know, of a different kind?

Because I'm sort of standing up and shouting about it.

Like, really actually a bit scared about it now.

Maybe I've been stupid and naive.

I don't know, I feel really uneasy now.

If it all felt a bit unreal and far away before,

this is the studio where we're filming the sitcom.

Blimey!

Oh, it's so weird.

There's so much to take in.

I can't... I can't quite get my head wrapped round it.

There's no other feeling quite like it -

you know, kind of your imagination brought to life.

I mean, this family have got enough problems, haven't they -

look at them - without introducing a kiddie fiddler into the mix?

Iain Lee didn't know how I was going to make this funny,

but there's a part of me that is less worried about it being funny -

because as silly as it is and as unreal in some ways,

it's also really honest, I think.

You know, this is fucking ludicrous, isn't it,

that this happens every day somewhere?

And I think probably that honesty is the most important thing.

I was, er, abused.

And can you see the individual that you accuse

of abusing you in this room?

He's over there.

In a really strange way, making a comedy about being abused

allows me to be more serious about it.

You know, I've examined it in the course of writing this comedy

and rehearsing it...and getting people on board,

I've examined it in a way that I've never done before -

you know, in 30 years or more.

It's so weird because, you know, I'm going out there to put on a show

and just occasionally, I sort of catch myself and I think

about what this is really about, you know,

and where it comes from.

Even though, usually, I feel quite removed from things,

when I'm in character, I just have these moments where I...

Sort of, I'm tipped back into the real experience.

APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for coming. I...

I'm so nervous, I'm shaking.

Erm... Listen, I've...

I-I've never done anything quite like this before.

It's fucking terrifying.

It probably won't completely go to plan, but we'll do our best,

so thank you so much for being here. Please laugh.

APPLAUSE

Hi, guys. Hi!

Erm, so this is...

..Steve! LAUGHTER

He is fit! So fit!

LAUGHTER

And he doesn't smell of crisps like Darren.

Oh.

Or crack his knuckles like Paul. Yeah.

Or start every sentence with,

"At the end of the da-aay," like Neil. Yeah. Yeah.

Or make that whistling noise with his nose like Giles. Remember? Oh!

Or constantly look like he's about to cry like Mi-... Michael.

Yeah, I-I get it. I get it.

Thanks.

Becks, I think he's perfect. Oh!

SNORING

That's them. Yeah.

Oh.

Boop! LAUGHTER

Boop. It's a great game, boop, isn't it?

Do you want to play Battle Royale, or...?

Er...

Oh, must be like pro-level booping.

LAUGHTER Boop!

Ooh.

Yeah, I'll be honest, Steve. I don't really know the rules for this bit.

Yeah, I think that bear just...

So why didn't you tell anyone when it happened?

Why did you wait so long?

Well, it's not the sort of thing you just come out with.

You can't just say, "Dad!"

Yeah? "I've been sexually abused."

Oh, right. Where's your mum?

So how does it end?

I mean, I wanted to scream in people's faces,

"You know he touches kids!"

But nobody wants to hear that.

So being one of those relentlessly upbeat people

who has to see the positives in every situation,

no matter how horrifically fucking grim and life-altering.

I just had to keep reminding myself,

I was a sexy kid.

LAUGHTER

Ta-da!

ALL: Not another elephant in the room!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Your mum and dad would be proud of you. They really would, yeah.

Thank you so much. That's really... Yeah.

That's really lovely of you to say.

Fucking vile, that was! Turned my stomach.

Fuck off. You wanker, come here. Well done.

Well done. Oh, thank you. Amazing.

Erm, what do you think other people thought of it?

I thought they thought it was amazing.

I think people genuinely laughed at the jokes.

Really? Yeah, I think they did.

I was so nervous that no-one would laugh... And I...

..at anything, you know. The weird thing is,

I've never seen anything that is genuinely dark

without it being dark humour. Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it was very light, the touch, it...

It was... The juxtaposition between the lightness of the humour

and the subject matter was like...

That's really disarming. And that worked a treat.

Think that worked an absolute treat.

You know, I feel like I said something really,

really about as true as anything I've ever said,

about as real as anything I've ever said.

You know, kind of...

Yeah, that was...

That was direct from my gut.

Probably the most honest thing I've ever done.

I've done something with the horrible that...

..I haven't been able to do before.

Comedy, eh?

Yeah.

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