All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S04E03.WEB.H264-13

JEREMY CLARKSON:
On today's show,
a little man in a big car.

Ferrari versus Porsche
on our track.

And we have some crashes,
on purpose.

Hello, good evening
and welcome.

Now, a number of people
have been saying

that there are too many
fast and expensive cars
on this show.

So, the production team
came up with a plan.

They gave each
of the presenters £100.

And we were told
to go off and buy a car.

That's a road legal car
for less than 100 quid.

Then we were told to meet up
at Toddington services,

on the M1 where we would be
given a number of challenges.

This is what happened.

CLARKSON:
I was the first to arrive
with... Well, look at it!

Two tonnes
of Swedish magnificence!

It's the Volvo 760.

It has the 2.8 litre,
V6 engine.

And it's the GLE model.

So, electric sunshine roof,
leather, air conditioning.

And it's not in bad neck.

No corrosion that I can see.

No dents and scratches
worth talking about.

It's actually taxed and tested
for another two months.

And that's what James
has bought.

Here he is.

It's actually more modern
than mine, I'm ashamed
to admit, but...

It's an Audi 80, 1.8 E.

CLARKSON: And you paid
less than 100 quid?
JAMES MAY: I did.

CLARKSON: Taxed?
MAY: Yes.

CLARKSON: Tested?
MAY: Seven months.

CLARKSON: You really
can't believe that's 100 quid.

I mean, I was ready to go,
"Oh, no! James has
bought a hen house!"

Anyway, so where's Hammond,
exactly? Where is the Hamster?

BOTH: He's got a Rover!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, God!

MAY: Old man,
you've done it wrong.

Read my back.

RICHARD HAMMOND AND MAY:
"GTI."

CLARKSON: Yes, I know but...
HAMMOND AND MAY: 16 valve.

-HAMMOND: Yeah, granted
it does go down. (CHUCKLES)
-"Rover."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Because I'm not sure
if it leaks, so I'm going
to leave that on.

-Your radio?
-Isn't there.

There's more rust here
and here.

-Yeah well, expensive car...
-Oh, that's gonna drop off
any second.

MAY: Look at that.

CLARKSON:
Right, I think we're ready
for our first challenge.

-One of the chaps
from the office. Here it is.
-Ooh, envelope and everything.

"The journey from London
to Manchester and back
would cost £182 on the train.

"Your cars cost
less than that.

"You must head North on the M1
take the new M6 toll road.

"Rendezvous in Manchester
outside Manchester United
Ground in Old Trafford.

"And drive them back
to the Top Gear track
for your next challenge."

-So Manchester and back.
-Easy.

-Easy.
-Okay.

Let's go!

CLARKSON: We filled
each of them to the brim
with fuel and set off.

It is remarkable though

that we're all trundling
along the outside lane
of the motorway

same speed
as everybody else...

In cars that cost
less than a £100.

MAY: This Audi is...

Well, prefect, really.

HAMMOND: In its day,
of course, the Rover 416 GTI
was rubbish, really.

The steering wheel
is not quite on straight,

but that just means that
I can flog into a mini cabber.

I mean, I expected to be in
a sort of plume of blue fog.

But they're fine, so far.

CLARKSON:
I currently need a pee.

Smells though, in here,
like other people have just
done it. (SNIFFING)

(SNIFFING)

I think I'm going to open
my electric sunshine roof now.

Let a bit of this crisp
spring air in.

Mmm! Nice!

Sun roof, well,
we'll gloss over that.

What I do really want
is a radio.

Robbie Williams played through
a 1980's Volvo stereo.

I'd listen to Radio 3.

(ANGEL PLAYING ON STEREO)

Or The Arches on 4

# Thoughts running
through my head #

Oh, I wish I had a radio!

That's the worst stereo
I've ever heard in my life!

Oh, I wish I had a radio!

But it's a stereo!

And Hammond doesn't have one.

(HAMMOND SINGING)

(SCATTING)

Ferrari. (SCOFFS)

# If I were a rich man... #
(SCATTING)

(HAMMOND SCATTING OVER PA)

(LAUGHING)

There is, coming up ahead,
an enormous cloud of smoke.

Which I can only
assume is Jeremy.

-If this is a head gasket,
we are in big trouble here.
-MAY: That's the compressor.

CLARKSON: In fact,
a belt that drives the air
conditioning had snapped,

and knocked a plug
out of the radiator.

Simply put it back again,
fill that with water
and I was on my way.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Right, here we go,
back on the road.

Jeremy's heap of junk fixed.

It's fine.

That Volvo.

What was he thinking of?

It's fine.
It cost less than 100 quid.

CLARKSON:
There we are,
the football stadium

where Manchester Rovers play.

And now, it's time to turn
around and head back
to the studio.

But would the cars make it?

This is the track.

And here comes James now
in his Audi.

It's back!

And so too is Richard,
in the Rover.

Watch the paintwork!

CLARKSON:
But where's the Volvo?

BOTH: No!

-(MAY LAUGHING)
-HAMMOND: I can't believe it.

CLARKSON:
Yes, you counted them all out.

And now you can count
them all back again.

Proof,
today you can buy a car,

and even including
the cost of fuel,

go to Manchester
and back for less than
it would cost on the train.

And what's more,
if you finish a train journey,

all you're left with
is a used ticket

and a disease from the person
who's sitting next to you.

Yeah, and the person
you're sitting next to

is always the same drunken
Glaswegian scaffolder.
Have you noticed?

Yeah, with 20 cases of Harp.

Yes, all of which you drink.

Anyway, we didn't end up
with a scaffolder.

What we ended up with
were three perfectly
serviceable cars.

And later on in the show,
we are going to be
doing more tests with them

to find out just
how good or bad they are.

Richard Hammond,
you like dogs, don't you?

Yes, I've got four of them.
I love them.

-One of which is a poodle.
-Yes, all right.

-Just wanted them to know.
-Only one of them.

And as a result,
Richard was asked to,

while we were off air
for the winter,
to host Crufts .

Yes.

Obviously, he lost a lot
of dignity in the process.

So now he's decided to
put some of that dignity back
by buying himself a new car.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Meet the shortlist,
the Dodge Charger.

HAMMOND:
For me, the greatest
American car ever.

This is a big day for me,
because it's my first ever
drive in a Dodge Charger.

And I'm a little bit nervous.

HAMMOND:
You see, I've wanted
one of these forever.

But what if it's rubbish?

What if it's the case of
"never meet your heroes"?

Well, we'll find out,
but first, a smidgen
of history.

There's just no resisting it.

HAMMOND:
The Charger was the definitive
'60s American muscle car.

Over 300,000 were made.

The Lone Ranger
was the chief salesman.

I apprehended this man
driving away with one
of our new Dodge Chargers.

HAMMOND: Even though
it was as big as Texas,

somehow they managed
to race it.

In fact, the Charger
was the first car ever

to top 200 miles an hour
in NASCAR racing.

This is a 1968
Dodge Charger 440 RT.

It's the one you want.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

This is the sound
of a 440 cubic inch V8.

That means 7.2 litres,
365 brake horsepower.

And it's incredible.

(LAUGHING)

By now,
you're probably saying,

"Okay, but what about
the Ford Mustang?"

And sure enough,
the Charger was always a bit
in the Mustang's shadow.

But in fact, this car
is the really cool one.

And it's cool
for one good reason.

Bad guys always
drive Chargers.

In Bullitt, McQueen's Mustang
was chased by the baddies
in a Charger.

How could this not
be the bad boy?

It just looks like
it's up to no good.

Just walking up to this thing,
being near it, gives me
a thrill. Seriously!

And like all the most
impressive people,
it's got problems.

Bill Brownlie,
the guy who designed it,
was a big fan of aerodynamics

and he crafted this shape,
very carefully.

Unfortunately, he didn't
actually know anything
about aerodynamics.

And he made
a bit of a hash of it.

That great gaping mouth
at the front

sucks up air like a whale
sucks up plankton.

And the rear screen makes
the drag even worse.

But who cares?

No, the only question
that matters to me

is now I'm in one,
will I be happy
or heartbroken?

Well, I know
it's got its faults,

so I set my sights
nice and low.

Well, first thing,
it's an old American car

with old American
car steering.

Which means,
I can go left or right.

And that's kind of it, really.

Left-ish, right-ish.
It's terrible!

And with an engine
this massive,

in a car weighing two tonnes,

you might expect it
to be bit of an old truck.

But few trucks will do
0 to 60 in six seconds.

But as for going
from 60 to 0...
Oh, dearie me.

I'm braking.

Quite firmly.

(ENGINE STALLING)

MAN: Well done.
(CHUCKLES)

I was considering
evasive then!

(LAUGHING)

Everybody okay?

But you know,
it really doesn't matter

if the brakes are made
of chewing gum.

I mean, in a crash,
you're always going to be
at least 20 feet from it!

Whichever corner it's at.

Another tedious practicality.

Here's the Dodge Charger.

And over here,
I've mapped out my garage.

Will it fit?

There we go, it fits!

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, it will be all right.

So, there we are. It's noisy,
cumbersome, badly designed,
and it doesn't stop.

It does a gallon
to the mile and I've got
nowhere to put it.

But I know now
that I want one.

And one big reason
is it will always be cool.

You see, whereas
the Mustangs lived on,
getting softer and fatter,

the Charger lasted
for just eight years.

And then, it was gone.

It is James Dean to
the Mustang's Marlon Brando.

And James Dean will never,
ever look sad.

They do say that the star
that shines twice as bright,
lives half as long.

There is, though, just
one thing that worries me,
this is a classic car.

And every classic car
has its own social scene.

-(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
-(MEN LAUGHING)

These are my new friends.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

-It's not the line dancing
that's the problem.
-What?

And nor is the fact that
if you buy an American car,

you're gonna have to commit
acts of love with your cousin.

So, what's the problem?

-Charger, wrong Dodge.
-What?

You need a Challenger
because the Challenger

was the star of
Vanishing Point

and this was the star
of Bullitt. That's why
you're interested in it

-'cause it was in Bullitt?
-Yes, yes.

So, what you're saying is
we choose our cars according
to the films they're in.

-Yes.
-That sounds fair enough.

-But you're saying
Vanishing Point is better?
-Exactly.

But it's just not
Vanishing Point, is it?

If you haven't seen it,
I should establish,

it's basically
a load of hippy-trippy,
spaced out nonsense.

With smoke bloke in a sweaty
shirt and sunglasses driving
through the desert,

for no reason whatsoever.
It's...

And what was the plot
of Bullitt, remind me?

Well, no, it was...
It had a plot!

Which is what? Come on now.

-It was seedy and menacing...
-What happened in the end?
What happened in the end?

...edgy '70s film. Oh, stuff!

I mean, it's better
than the end of this.

He's stuffed it
into a bulldozer.

But did he?

But did he stuff it
into a bulldozer?

You cannot claim that!

It's as sophisticated
as a Road Runner cartoon.

-The man who...
-It is simple!

Bullitt is better than
Vanishing Point!

The man who drives
the Challenger
in Vanishing Point,

Kowalski,
he was the coolest man
ever in cinema history.

He made James Dean
look like John Prescott.

He was that cool.

No. I think
I've assessed this.
Kowalski...

And if you've seen the film,
you'll know this,

Kowalski, in the film,
is a kind of tallish bloke
with big curly hair...

-Yeah.
-And he wears a shirt
tucked into tight jeans.

Drives around in small...

It's you, you fool!
That's why you like it!

It is you!

In the film, you said that
there was something

a little wrong with
the steering in the Charger.

It is a tad vague, yes.

A tad vague. If you look
in Bullitt, very carefully,

we all know that
car chase scene, yes?

Look very carefully
at the end.

The director said to
a highly trained stunt driver
in the Charger,

"I want you to drive
into that garage,
it will then blow up."

-He missed the garage!
-Yeah, he did.

If you look, you can see him
screaming by.

And some people
might call that a safety
feature, frankly.

And if your guy had not
been in that and had
been in one of these,

he would have missed
those bulldozers in the end
and survived!

Which is the better
looking car?

The Charger, hands up.

Challenger?

Ah, it's the Charger then,
clearly.

And also,
am I right on the film?

Can anybody think
of a better car chase film
than Vanishing Point?

What? Where are you?
Hold on a minute, over here.

-Mission Impossible?
-With Tom Cruise.

Porsche and Audi TT.
Fantastic.

And a beautiful woman as well.

No, you see,
that's the biggest load
of dribble...

(ALL LAUGHING)

I've ever heard in my life.

Because when he does that
spinning round thing?

-Yeah.
-You think that's believable?

Well, okay.

Damn it! La la land.

-HAMMOND: Don't back down...
-Did I hear somebody
say Ronin?

MAN: Yes.
HAMMOND: Good film.

-Remember Ronin?
-Audi S8.

Audi S8... Why don't
you buy an Audi S8?

Audi's got a better steering,
it would hit the garage.

-Anyone else?
-(ALL LAUGHING)

-Blues Brothers.
-Blues Brothers?
Ah, get out!

So really there we are.

We've managed to establish
that Vanishing Point
is the best car film ever.

-(LAUGHING) We haven't!
-We have!
We've been around the room!

I understand this,
buying from films.

But the fact of the matter is,
we've established

Vanishing Point,
greatest car film ever.

That's the Challenger.
You're buying the wrong car.

Okay, you haven't established
that, you're all wrong.

I want the Charger.
That's that.
That's what I'm having.

Now, Hammond, how much
is a good one of these?

Um, about £18,000,
realistically.

£18,000? Right.

So that means, you're gonna
have to sell this.

-My pride and joy.
-Yeah.

It's your 22-year-old,
left hand drive,
Porsche 911 G Series.

Lovely.

How much do you think
you're gonna get for this?

-About eight grand.
-(SMIRKS)

-What?
-(ALL LAUGHING)

£8,000?

They're worth much more!

-What?
-Optimistically...

You are 10 grand short.
Probably more, I would say.

-You're gonna have to
open some supermarkets.
-Yeah.

Maybe the viewers
can help him on that.

If you've got a shop
that needs opening,

or cleaning or if you need
any of the shelf stacking.

Just the bottom shelves...

Yeah, just the bottom shelves,
not the top ones.

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-CLARKSON: He'll reach those.

Why don't you write
to us at, um...

(CLARKSON READING)

Or we could be found
on the internet at...

(READING)

Thanks for your help guys,
I appreciate that.

No problem. It's time now,
though, to meet our guest.

Ever since she came
out of the jungle,

she has become
a bonafide superstar.

She's a household name.

She's rich beyond
the dreams of avarice.

She's written
an autobiography.

And as far as I can work out
she's done absolutely nothing.

Ladies and gentleman, Jordan.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

-Hiya.
-How are you?

Have a seat.

Your autobiography,
number one,
in the bestseller list.

I know. Not bad,
not bad for someone like me,
I suppose.

It's fantastic
and it's a good read.

You've read it then?

-I have.
Of course I've read it.
-You've actually read it?

Test me.

Um, no, I'll ask
you after, actually.

You can do, 'cause I lay
in the garden last weekend,
beautiful sunshine!

Lay there, hour and half.
I absorbed it all.

-You are doing well.
-Mmm-hmm.

And you've spent it,
as far as I can work out,
on cars.

I do love my cars.

Well, the first thing I want
to talk to you about is,

you've swapped a Range Rover
for a Cayenne?

Well I have had
the Range Rover for like,
five, six years now.

You know they are lovely cars,
you know, I couldn't
go on without them.

And then I saw the Porsche
when it come out and
I thought, "Ugly, ugly car."

But then a lot of people said
that they're quite fast.

And I thought,
"Okay, I'll try one", although
they looked smaller inside,

I find they're
a lot faster and they do
hold the road better.

-It is a Turbo or an S?
-Turbo.

-You've got Cayenne Turbo?
-Mmm.

How's it going? Is it...

Well, the way I drive cars,
didn't you see me
out there? I trash 'em.

The tracking's definitely
gone, probably why
I keep kerbing it.

Oh, I see...

I mean kerbing it,
it's on the kerb,
it's not kerbing as in...

You don't go kerb crawling,
is what you're saying.

-No, I don't think I need to.
-Why would you?

(LAUGHS)

But your dilemma is,
you've got this
Bentley Azure, yes?

What you thinking
of getting instead?

Aston Martin.
I've got one coming
in September.

-A DB9?
-Convertible.

Convertible, you know,
Aston Martin can make
any colour you like.

-You can take...
-(GASPS) Don't say that.

You can take along
a piece of material.
Take along that top...

-Are you joking?
-No. You can have it in...

Oh, my God. I'll have it
in pink. I know you'll go,
"That's gross."

-But I love pink.
-(ALL LAUGH)

Would we go, "That's gross"?
We would go, actually.

That's, yeah,
if you got a pink one...

Oh, I would love it
in candy pink if they could.

No, you can have it
in candy pink

and it would be worth
four or five pounds after.

(ALL LAUGH)

-A very short...
-That'd be one of a kind.

It would be
one of a kind, yes.
Nobody else would do it.

What I love about
this is, I do get very
cross with girls

who spend a fortune
on clothes, eyes...

I don't. I'm more into cars
than the clothes, so...

And normally,
I only wear the clothes once.

I can't wear them again
once I've been seen
in them, so...

You can only wear
clothes once?

Well, if I get pictured
in something twice

then they start slating me,
saying, "Oh, look,
now she's going downhill.

"She's wearing
the same outfit twice."

They do and you have
to think about that.

So anyone of you
want it after?

MAN: Me!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Pretty much, I think we could
have a charity auction here.

It doesn't include
the underwear, though.
Obviously.

-You can wear that twice?
-Oh, yeah.
I can wear that loads.

But not on consecutive days.

(LAUGHS)

No.

How did it go, then,
out on the lap?

Um... Which one? What?

Okay, you came down
here a little bit earlier,
you went on...

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Oh!

I thought you meant
the Aston Martin,

'cause I was gonna take that
out for a drive as well.

No, I know
you are going out later.

-We have got you an Aston
Martin down here to have a go.
-Yeah.

-But you had a go
in the Suzuki Liana.
-Oh, that was crap.

But I had fun in it,
spun it around a few times.

Well, this is it.

-Who'd like to see
Jordan practising?
-(LAUGHS) No.

AUDIENCE: Yes!

So, can we have a look
at that now?

-Oh, no.
-Right.

CLARKSON: Ooh, it's...

Whoa, total...
That's the... Oh!

That's the first ever spinner
on that corner, so well done.

You're insane!

Where's this one?
Oh, my...

(BLEEP)

Do you have any fear at all?

No. It's got a roll bar
and I've got a helmet on,

so it doesn't matter,
does it, if I crashed!

-Obviously...
-And I've got my airbags!

-So...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

You did actually say... When
we asked Jordan if she wants
to come on the programme,

"Oh, I hope it's got
a roll bar in it, 'cause
it's going on its roof."

(ALL LAUGH)

I did try.

No, that was a spectacularly
marvellous attempt.

And now, this is the list
of everyone who's been so far.

Where do you think
you'd like to come on that?

Well, I'm sure everyone
wants to be near the top.

Jodie Kidd maybe,
I'd like to beat,
'cause she's a girl.

-That's pretty near the top.
That's 1.48.
-Yeah.

I don't know.
I don't think I've done that.

-Well, shall we find out?
-Okay.

-AUDIENCE: Yeah.
-Anyone wants to see the lap?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah.
-Let's have a look.

Okay. Yeah.

Here we go.

-(TYRES SCREECHING)
-CLARKSON:
That's an aggressive start.

Kick some ass! Wee-hee!

You're gonna lift off
for this first corner,
this is extremely tricky.

No wait, I'm lying, you...
Oh! (LAUGHS)

Oh... (BLEEP)
It's not funny. I'm sorry!

CLARKSON:
Here we go to Chicago
far too fast going in...

Into the Hammerhead...

That's looking pretty good.
No, that's very good.

That's where
Jonathan Ross got lost.

(ALL LAUGH)

And... Right, good.

This is where you went off...
That's the Follow Through.
Then there you got the...

Oh!

Oh. (BLEEP)
Foot on the brake. Ah!

CLARKSON:
Right, last corner. And...

Nice and tidy across the line.

(APPLAUSE)

That wasn't good!

Well now the thing is,
the thing is...

I think if we were to make
an award for the most
aggressive drive ever,

you would win that.

-Wouldn't you agree?
-That's right.

I mean, well done,
for there was just
complete bravery.

You deserve a George Medal
for every corner.

That's why the police
never catch me!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Genuinely, I'm...

But did the Stig not tell
you about going slowly into
the corners to go faster out?

He did. But when you're
out there, you think sod it,
you put your foot down...

-Okay...
-There's a one minute I just
saw you write. So, I'm up...

No, I've just written
your shape...

-And I'm just gonna...
-(ALL LAUGH)

Go on, take a guess.

Well, you're down
at one minute, so at least
I've beaten Harry Enfield.

You have beaten Harry Enfield.

You've also beaten...

-Fay Ripley.
-Ooh.

You are as fast as...

Rick Parfitt!

-1:52.
-Oh, not bad!

(APPLAUSE)

That's not good enough!

It's the same as Vinnie Jones!

That's in between
Vinnie Jones and Rick Parfitt!
That's not a bad time!

Well, I've got to go
do it again now.

You're gonna go do it again.
But listen,

it's been absolutely
marvellous fun having
you here today.

-Thank you.
-Go and have fun
with our Aston Martin.

I'm gonna.

-In the mean time, Jordan,
ladies and gentlemen!
-Thank you.

-(APPLAUSE)
-Thank you very much.

Right. Right.

Now, Rolls-Royce have said

that they will never build
a convertible version
of their Phantom.

So here it is.

This is a unique, one-off car.
It's called the 100 EX.

And it is magnificent.
Just look at the size of it!

Rolls-Royce actually say
it's supposed to look like
a posh motorboat in motion.

And it kind of does.
It's even got teak decking,
here at the back.

A man from the Vaterland
delivered the car to us,
in a BMW T-shirt.

And he was very strict,
he said to me...

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Because it's made of a single
piece of machined aluminium.

This though is...

Solid silver.

How about that?
But what I really like...

What I really like
about this is...

The normal nancy-boy V12
that you get in these things

has been replaced
by a V16 engine

and it's there purely
for smoothness.
I like that. I like this.

Rolls-Royce has said
they'll never build this car.

So expect to see it
on sale soon
for about £300,000.

Okay, now earlier on
the three of us proved

that our £100 cars could make
it to Manchester and back.

But now they're at the track,

and the production team
have come up with
a number of tests

to find out how
functional they are,

how fast they are,
and most of all
how safe they are.

And as a kind
of by-product, really,

which one of us
got the best deal.

CLARKSON:
Here are the cars we bought.

There's Richard's Rover GTI,
James's Audi 80,
and my V6 Volvo GLE.

And here's the first test.

Our researchers worked out
how much fuel was used
on the Manchester run.

30 mpg was the target
for every mile to the gallon,
over that you get a point.

For every mpg under it,
you lose a point.

(INAUDIBLE)

Right, I have the results
of the economy run.

The Volvo, 20 miles
to the gallon, giving Jeremy
a score of minus 10.

The Rover,
23 miles to the gallon,

giving Richard a score
of minus seven.

And the Audi?
A remarkable 35
miles to the gallon,

giving me five points.

Yes. Now I have just been
told that we're also going
to be tested on reliability.

We're gonna lose a point
for every time the bonnet
had to be lifted.

Which means,
none there for you, James.

None for me.
And minus another one
for Jeremy.

Okay, I admit it.
My Volvo's not doing well.

But it's time now
for the next challenge,
which is...

"Each car will complete
one fast lap of the track

"in the hands of an
independent adjudicator.

"One minute fifty seconds
is the target.

"For every second
you go faster than that
you get a point.

"For every second slower,
you lose a point."

I wonder who the independent
adjudicator might be?

CLARKSON:
First to go is Richard's GTI.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

This is probably the worst car
the Stig has ever driven.

Although, it must be said,
probably not the worst car
he's going to drive today.

BOTH: No.

Okay, he's going down now
towards the Hammerhead.

He's probably up to 40 or 50?

(TYRES SCREECH)

He's coming through
to the Follow Through.

Now my bet is he'll lift.

Whoa! He's still alive!

(ALL LAUGH)

CLARKSON: Now let's see
how James's Audi goes.

That was 0 to 60
in about 25 minutes.

HAMMOND:
Assuming it will ever
get to 60.

MAY: This is where we will see
the advantage of the optional
sport pack.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(TYRES SCREECH)

CLARKSON: The Stig said after
this run, he thought the Audi
had been in a big accident

at some point in its life,
and not mended properly.

But he was even ruder
about my Volvo.

HAMMOND:
(LAUGHING) The thing is,
he's just not going away!

(ALL LAUGH)

It's still there!

One hundred and seventy
brake horsepower!

BOTH: Yeah, but 170 tonnes
of the car to boot!

(ALL LAUGH)

So the results...

Richard's Rover went round
in one min forty two seconds.

So, that is eight seconds
under the one minute
fifty target.

That means eight points.

James's Audi was four seconds
under the target, a 1.46.

So he gets four points.

And my Volvo, 1.48.
So that's two points.

It's a plus! It's a plus!

Okay, another test.
So if I could have
the envelope? Thank you.

"The Highway Code says,
'The stopping distance
from 60 miles an hour

"'is 60 yards,
without thinking time.'"

But we don't need any of that.

"You'll get one point
for every yard less than
that your car pulls up in."

HAMMOND:
Here's James, braking
from 60 miles an hour.

Here we go.

(TYRES SCREECH)

Oh, straight and true!

MAY: Beat that, Hammond.

Okay, I'm at 60,
just James to beat.
Here we go.

Braking! Nothing!

(TYRES SQUEALING)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTS)

Sadly, I couldn't beat James.

But surely that fat Volvo
would let Jeremy down.

Anti-lock brakes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!
The Volvo scored a point!

What a great car!

Right. Brakes.

Now then,
James's Audi pulled up
in 40 yards,

which is 20 under
the Highway Code's
stopping distance,

which means,
he gets 20 points.

Then my Rover stopped...
Just... In 48 yards, which
means I get 12 points.

And then, amazingly,

Jeremy's Volvo,
as an advertisement

for the advantages
of anti-lock brakes,
stopped in 34.

Which means he gets
a very handy 26 points.

And so,
for our next challenge.

Thank you.

"Each car loses a point
for every electrical item
that isn't working."

Anti-lock brakes.
Are they working, Richard?

-Uh, well... No.
They're not actually... No.
-Right. That's one off.

Get the bonnet up.

CLARKSON: Oh, look!

-This under bonnet light
doesn't work.
-So what? It doesn't matter.

Oh, my God, it's all broken!

Now your air conditioning
as well, that's a point off,
because that doesn't work.

The wipers work,
the lights work...

-But the interior light
doesn't. It just doesn't.
-Interior light doesn't work.

It doesn't work.

Right enough. The results.

Richard's Rover...

Three faults. Giving him...

Minus three points.

My Audi.

Minus four points.

And Jeremy's Volvo
back on form with
minus 12.

Now it's time
for the final test.

Thank you.
Uh, here we go.

Okay, chaps.
You might want to come
and have a look at this.

Here goes. What it says is...

"Each of you must
drive your car into a wall
at 30 miles an hour."

-HAMMOND: Eh?
-Yeah.

-"You lose 10 points
if you're killed..."
-Okay.

"Five points
for each broken bone.

"And one point
for each blood injury."

-Right. That's...
-I'm feeling quite relaxed,
actually.

-With your Volvo?
-With my Volvo.

What I can't trust is my Rover
made entirely of rust,

I'm feeling a bit scared.

-James, are you all right?
-(JEREMY LAUGHING)

-Have a crash?
-Yeah.

-On purpose?
-Yeah.

It's gonna be worse
for him there, 'cause
he's in that rust car.

And doubly worse because
it also says here, that since
you're the youngest...

-You're going first.
-Right.

-MAY: Goodbye.
-I admire your logic.

-CLARKSON: Bye!
-Thank you.

20, 25...

30, 30 miles an hour...

I'm going in.
Oh, my goodness!

(HAMMOND GRUNTS)

Well, um, my bones
all still work, I think.

And...

There's no blood.

I think my car has borne
the brunt of it.

I think it did quite well.
Next!

Well, it's been good.

I've met Jodie Kidd.

And Stephen Fry.

CLARKSON: Yes, he's dead.

So, that's 10 points
away there.

And if you want a job
on Top Gear,

-please write to Top Gear...
-No, no, wait...
Look, he's coming round.

-He is!
-He's alive!

-CLARKSON: He lives!
-(HAMMOND CHEERING)

That's no 10 points off,
though. Blast.

The was probably
the most unpleasant thing
I've ever done.

CLARKSON:
Then it was my turn.
And I had a problem.

The speedo wasn't working.
So I had to guess
how fast 30 was.

And I got it a bit wrong.

Geronimo!

Damn. Damn.
I think I missed the wall.

We all lived, then.
But what about the cars?

Richard's Rover is dead.

James's Audi is dead.

But my Volvo?

Yes!

(APPLAUSE)

Yeah, yeah! All right.
Okay, okay.

Okay. So your car worked.
Great.

But you didn't,
because I have managed
to secure this...

X-ray, now...
What do you think
that is, Jeremy?

-It's an X-ray of a hand.
-It is, more specifically,
your hand after that crash.

-That crash
at 40 miles an hour.
-Yeah. Whatever.

The important thing
is this bit. Look.

The thumb, it's broken!

-No, It isn't.
-It is. You broke your thumb!

-James, Is that broken?
-MAY: It's broken.

HAMMOND: It is.

-It's chipped.
-Oh! Look!

If a tea cup is chipped,
my mother would say
it's broken.

Absolutely, it's broken.

It is, Jeremy accept it.
You broke your thumb.

That's five points off.
So, minus five, which
brings your score...

HAMMOND:
If I'm right... (MUMBLES)

After all that
we've just done to 0.

HAMMOND: No points at all!

But there is
one challenge left.
And it is the big one...

It is the cost.

Now, we earn a point
for every pound we've saved

from our original £100 budget.

Jeremy, you have no points.
You're out of it.

I've got 25, Hammond.
You've got 10.

-So 15 quid either way
could swing this.
-Yeah. Yeah.

-Are you ready?
-Yep.

I have the receipt for my car.

-Okay.
-Here.

Come on.

-Tell me. Tell me.
-And I spent...

£75!

Right, £75.

So if I can be £15
under that...

Um, I've spent...

£80!

Which means James is ahead!

Oh, no! Which means...

Jeremy, unless you've
got your car for about £10...

James is going
to be the winner.

-Oh, no!
-Oh, no.

£1!

£1!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Yes!

The whole world...

Losers!

Losers!

There is, however,

just a couple more things
we need to say
about these cars

before we move on.

First of all,
we didn't cheat, okay?

I actually got a friend
of mine to go and buy
this Volvo for me.

And she came back
from the dealership

-having spent a quid.
-A pound!

Yes! A quid!

So, she couldn't believe
how much choice she had.

There were BM's and Audi's
and Ford's of all sorts.

But there's a very good
reason for all these cars
being around.

It is because,
not so many years ago,

if your car was finally broken
and old and ruined,

you took it to the scrap yard
and they'd give you 20 quid.

That was the end
of the matter.

Now though, the EU says
old cars have to be recycled,
which means,

you have to take it
to the scrap yard and pay
the scrap dealer 100 quid

to take it off your hands.

Exactly, so when this friend
of mine went into the Volvo
main dealer,

who'd taken this
as part exchange.

Okay, so he had
to get rid of it,
cost him 150 quid,

she goes and says,
"I'll give you a quid."

He's £151 up!

-A quid!
-Absolutely.

HAMMOND: No!

Got to move on now
to track days.

Uh, the idea behind this
is very simple.

You take you own car
to Silverstone Browns,
Donningtons, wherever...

Flash it round,
and then drive home
in the evening.

It's huge business now,
so big in fact,

that some car companies
are actually making cars,

specifically designed
for the job.

CLARKSON:
This is the Porsche GT3 RS.

And it comes with
a choice of colours,
but only for the wheels.

The only colour you can have
for the body is white.

I drove a standard GT3
on the show last year
and I absolutely loved it.

So it's hard to see really,
how Porsche could possibly
make it better.

But that hasn't stopped
them trying.

In essence they took a GT3
and put it on a diet.

They used titanium
for bits of the engine,

the springs
and even the wheel nuts.

The bonnet is carbon fibre,

and the rear window...

That's plastic.

To give you an idea of just
how serious this weight loss
programme has been,

look at the badge.
It's normally enamel
on a Porsche,

but on this...

It's a sticker.

You know,
I'm going to feel guilty
driving around in this

in my clothes.

Ideally, I should do it naked.

So, what have
we ended up with here?

Well, it's not what
you'd call comfy.

I came down here last night

and this racing seat
gave me chronic back ache.

And then there's the ride.

Honestly, it would have
been more comfortable

to have been towed behind it,
on my face!

(GRUNTING)
This is better.

But...

And it's a big, loud,
full-bodied "but."

When you get it to a track,
it all starts to make sense.

It actually feels like
it's been powered with fire...

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Brimstone.

George Clooney thought
that he had experienced
The Perfect Storm.

He should have had a go
in one of these.

The turning
is absolutely electric.

Nose goes exactly
where you want it to.

And although you don't
get traction control,

you don't need it,
because there is so much grip.

As a driving experience
this really is hard to fault.

It does, however,
have one problem.

Ferrari has made
a track car too.

Welcome to the 360 CS.

It's not cheap.
At £133,000, it's 30,000
more than a standard 360,

and a whopping 50,000 more
than the Porsche.

For the purpose of this test,
however, I shall ignore
the price difference.

And I shall also ignore
my prejudices.

You see, I think
a Ferrari is a scaled down
version of God.

And a Porsche 911
is a jumped-up
Volkswagen Beetle.

All I'm interested in here
is which is the best piece
of engineering?

And it's round one to the 360.

Porsche stripped 50 kilograms
out of the 911,

but Ferrari have lightened
their car by 110 kilograms.

That's what I weigh
and I'm really fat.

Inside, you don't get
a radio as standard,
and nor do you get carpets.

So you're able
to drive along enjoying
the beauty of those welds.

And instead of these
very heavy electric windows,

you can have
a sheet of perspex
with a little flap in it.

If I had one of these,
I would employ someone
to sit on it on breezy days.

To stop it floating away!

Round two goes
to the Ferrari as well.

Because the CS's engine
serves up 425 brake
horsepower.

That's 44 more than
you get from the Porsche.

425 brake horsepower
means a 118 brake
horsepower per litre

and that really is a quart
from a pint pot.

It is a remarkable
engineering achievement.

But does it mean the 360
is faster than the 911?

I feel a race coming on.

(ENGINES REV)

(ENGINES ROARING)

The Porsche has better
traction off the line

but then ever so slowly,
the Ferrari starts
to edge ahead.

Where it stays... Just!

In fact, both get from 0 to 60
in around four seconds

and both have a top speed
on the exciting side of 180.

And you won't find that
many differences in terms
of cornering speed either.

I'll let you into
a little secret,

the man in front of me,
the man driving that Ferrari

is the F1 team's test driver,
Luca Badoer.

And I'm keeping up with him.

And I'm not bragging
or anything but he is not
getting away.

I'm spinning as well...
Oh, no, I've held it.
Yes! I've passed him!

Eat my exhaust, Badoer!

So you're probably thinking
at this point that these cars
are basically the same.

Both are lightened
and fettled versions
of already very fast cars.

Both have mental performance,
monumental performance,

and both would be too noisy
and too hard on the road.

But actually,
they're as different as chalk
and chicken liver pate!

The Porsche is very plain,
very simple.

It's like a green salad.

Now this,
on the other hand,

is more like
a flying fish wasabi.

It's much,
much more complicated.

You have a flappy
paddle gearbox,
I still don't like it.

But it does at least
work on the track.

And you have a traction
control system that
you don't get in the Porsche.

And you have a big button
that says, "Race."

Push it and the on-board
computer sets the car
in psychopath mode!

I honestly
cannot believe this car.

It is so balanced,
so delicate, so poised.

And you have all the passion
and the soul...

(TYRES SCREECHING)

And all this noise!

Then at 6,300 rpm
the second stage
of the exhaust kicks in and...

(VOCALISING)
You're off again!

And because you're sitting
here in a cockpit

with this bare carbon fibre,
and no carpets and a suede
steering wheel

and a full race harness,
you really do think,
"I am in a racing car!"

It brakes like a racing car.
Have I mentioned the steering?
Have I mentioned that?

It's perfect.
There is no other word,
it's perfect.

This then, is a great car.

But is it better than the 911?

Normally, I prefer
mechanical engineering
to electrical engineering.

I prefer a bridge
to a Pentium processor.

So I should prefer this.

I should prefer the Porsche.

And yet here today, I don't.

If you want to go to a track
and be entertained,
buy the Porsche.

It's a very, very good car.

But if you want to be
astonished you've got
to have one of these.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

-Yes. Yes, I know.
-£1.

Well, anyway, on the subject
of price, you said that for
the purposes of that test

you would take price
out of the equation.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Can I just pop it
back in again?

Because that Ferrari
is £50,000 more
than the Porsche.

-Fair point, well made.
-Yeah.

I'll stand by my decision,
this is the more exciting car,
the Ferrari.

But I will agree,
that because the performance
of the Porsche is so similar

you have to...
It's remarkable value
for money, really is.

-So that's the Top Gear
verdict on these two.
-Yes.

What we need now on them
is the Top Gear lap times.

Absolutely,
we've got an Italian car
and a German car.

So what we really need
now is a fair-minded
English umpire.

Bring him out, Stiggy Bird.

CLARKSON:
Off the line there,
plenty of wheel spin.

Naturally, the Ferrari
is in race mode which
firms up the suspension,

speeds up the gear changes,
and backs off
the traction control.

Except this is the Stig
of course, and he's got
that turned off.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR STEREO)

Sadly, he hasn't got
the stereo turned off!

Um...

Yes, this car is a lot more
intelligent than the man
behind the wheel.

Looking good so far though...

Into Hammerhead,
any under-steer,
let's have a look.

Absolutely none at all.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Into the Follow Through...

Oh, he lifted off,
the Ferrari got
all twitchy there!

It may be packed with
computing power

but that 360 is still
a snorting stallion at heart.

That's the
second-to-last bend,
that's the hard one.

Into Gambon corner, come on!

Come on, come on
and across the line in...

Yes, go on?

Okay, look,
here's the lap board.

-Yes?
-The McLaren Mercedes
from last week, 120.9.

It's not gonna beat that.

These are the big
heavyweights.

Okay, we've got
the Lamborghini Murcielago,
123.7,

Zonda, 123.8,
Koenigsegg, 123.9.

-Ferrari CS, 122.3.
-No. That is...

-(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
-Unbelievably fast.

That is...

That is some going.
Okay.

So to the Porsche,
you couldn't find
any difference

between them in terms
of performance, all right?

So let's see if the Stig can.
Here we go.

-HAMMOND:
Away he goes.
-(TYRES SQUEALING)

Now there's no fancy
electronics here, remember,

just the natural traction
of having the engine
right at the back.

Already looking mighty
fast into the first corner.
Plenty of tyre squeal.

Oh, this is what
it's all about,
just a raw, simple car.

And a raw, simple driver
right on the edge.

Through Chicago,
this is very smooth,
the tail kept nicely in check.

Hammerhead is coming up,
now the 911 has so little
weight over the front,

it might under-steer,
but it doesn't,
he's got the tail out.

Now Follow Through...

Lifts off on the approach,
but the Porsche stays
perfectly planted.

That is old-fashioned
mechanical grit for you.

Towards the finish, the 911's
got a hell of a job, remember,
to beat the 360's time.

Up to the last bend...

He's got a bit
of a drift on there.
And across the line in...

You might not believe this?
One minute...

-It's 1.22.3
for the Ferrari then.
-To beat, yeah.

1.22.3,
it's exactly the same!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

CLARKSON: And...

And next week...

Next week, we've got
this thing's big brother
coming down, the Carrera GT.

I cannot wait for that.
See you then. Good night.