Original subtitles

Here they come! Oh, I think I can see Charlie.

It looks like the boy in the photograph.

Of course, photographs are terribly misleading.

In the photograph, you know, his eyes were shut, but that happens often.

You don't think his eyes are weak, do you?

Josephine says they're beautiful, but of course she's in love with him,

so one can't expect an honest opinion from her.

She's absolutely besotted, poor child. It reminds me of when I... Well...

Do you think he'll be interested in sports?

Maybe he'll be interested in your trophies, Fish, dear?

Sir, taking your picture.

How are you, dear boy? I'm Mrs. Fish.

Are you exhausted from the journey?

No, Mrs. Fish, it was great. I've brought my friends.

This is Cecil. This is Alistair.

How do you do? Alistair, how are you? A lovely musical name.

Hey, come on, you guys. Get in the car.

- Please be careful, sir. - I can open it.

Uh, this door only opens for me.

Fish, darling, I want you to meet Charlie.

Glad to meet you, sir.

- I hope none of you is allergic to dogs. - As a matter of fact, I am.

- It's amazing. - Charlie, dear...

We all piled in the car and came as quickly as we could...

Just now, she's so busy with...

There's a car coming. You're gonna hit it. Watch out.

Mrs. Fish!

Watch...

No!

This is Blue Crab Road. Then there's Fiddler Crab.

And, oh, Charlie, there's the church where you'll be married.

I wish we could stop and say hello to Reverend Oldfield.

- I think she hit him! - No! Runs fast for a minister.

After 20 years on this island, I can't remember where the edges are.

I'll get out and push.

Oh, Baker, take care of Mr. Fish, will you?

- The sea makes him melancholy. - Yes, ma'am.

Baker, make a signal. I'm going to make a left turn now.

Baker just fell off!

Is that the house?

This house was built for people.

- Sure is a peach of a house. - Mind the third step.

I can't wait to present you.

Oh, I can't wait for you to meet Josephine's family.

Come in and meet them now.

Mrs. Adams, I'd like you to meet Charlie.

- Charlie, this is Josephine's great aunt. - Oh, how do you do?

Mr. Adams, I am so glad to meet you.

No, no, no. He's Charlie. You're Mrs. Adams. Oh, well...

- My name is Charlie. - Oh, hello, Charlie. How are you?

- How do you do? I'm Charlie. - Happy to meet you, Charlie.

- How do you do? - Charlie, so glad to meet you.

So glad.

He's an awfully young man.

What kind of a bridegroom is that?

With all that long hair. I don't know where she found him.

She couldn't have found him in the International House.

That's right. She was going with a Hindu with a beard.

Marry him?

I guess that is the boy she wants to marry.

Oh, I don't know. I find him awfully young. Don't you think?

- He chooses his own clothes? - No, I don't think he chose those.

- You don't think it's a matter of taste? - Oh, no. He's awfully silly-looking.

- Do you think so? - Yes, I'm sure of it.

I think he thinks he's fashionable.

Charlie! Charlie!

My little girl!

Hello!

Oh, no. It's not that. They dress a special way nowadays.

They all go to London and buy these special clothes,

then they come back and they wear them in our town.

She'll support a new thing. She'll support it.

She'll go out and work at Howard Johnson's...

It seems like another way of life.

I think today... Uh, I don't know what it is.

They don't work. They don't work.

Nowadays they don't work. The boys don't work, it's the girls.

I don't think it's too bad to go to college and take graduate courses.

They're not there half the time. No, they're not in college.

I won't tell you where they are, but they're not in college.

Oh, yes, they are. They're going there, but what are they doing?

That's why they're not in college. They're not there on...

- Hello, Charlie. - How do you do?

- Mrs. Lovett. Frank and Willie. - How do you do?

- Hi, Charlie. So fine meeting you. - She's going to be a bridesmaid, Charlie.

- Charlie, I'm so glad to meet you. - How do you do, Charlie?

- Phoebe, my sister. Want you to meet her. - Well, well.

This is Jean-Claude Szabo and this is Charlie.

Ninny was Josephine's nurse.

I'm very pleased to meet you, sir.

This way, Charlie. Mrs. Appleby...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I get dreadfully confused with all these...

There's so many children. It's amazing.

I don't know where they're all going to sleep. I suppose somewhere here.

- Hi, Josephine. - Oh, hi.

Excuse me.

Oh! Here they are.

Ah, so here's Charlie.

Charlie, this is Reverend Oldfield.

How do you do? I caught a glimpse of you at the church.

But it certainly is a wonderful thing to be meeting you at last, Charles.

And this is my niece, Miss Fairfax. She's going to be our organist.

- How do you do? - Pleased to meet you.

This is my cousin, Miss Gordon. She's a bridesmaid.

How do you do, Charles? Nice to meet you.

This is my aunt, Mrs. Gladstone.

- How do you do? - So glad to meet you, Charles.

- Did you have a nice trip? - Pretty nice, yes. It rained a bit.

Alistair, this is Aunt Dot.

Oh, very glad to meet you, Miss Fairfax.

- I'm Miss Fairfax. - Mrs. Gladstone. Glad to meet you, too.

- Mrs. Gladstone. - And this is Cecil.

How do you do, Cecil? I'm glad to know you.

Oh, I'd like you boys to meet the Reverend Oldfield.

- Reverend, this is Cecil. - How do you do?

I'd like you to meet my niece, uh, Celeste.

- How do you do? - Pleased to meet you.

- And this is Cecil. - How do you do?

Miss Gordon, Cecil.

Mrs. Gladstone you already know. Alistair and Cecil. Josephine...

- This is Alistair and Cecil. - Pleased to see you.

- And Jean-Claude, this is Josephine. - Met already. Hi.

Charlie, this is Josephine.

- Josephine, Charlie. - Oh, we've met.

Well, everybody seems to have met.

Hi, Charlie. Charlie, what do you think of that house?

Just look at it. It's great.

The balcony's upstairs. The veranda across the front.

Tennis courts. A flagpole. What else could you ask for?

I'd like to take those walls, rip them off. I'd like to take that veranda...

Knock off that tower. That tower on the left, just saw it off and knock it down.

Then, uh, brick up all the windows. Brick up all the windows.

And put in some nice aluminum siding. Just home it up a little bit.

Put in some nice plastic bricks. Six feet up, plastic bricks.

Then cut a bit hole where the veranda is, about six or eight feet,

and slap in some plate glass.

- Yeah, a nice picture window. - A nice picture window.

- A picture window? - A picture window.

And paint the whole thing canary yellow.

Oh, no. You have to renovate the inside.

Did you see those beds? Jump on them once, twice, you're on the floor.

- Tear down the chandeliers. - Swing on them once, you're on the floor.

Then paint the whole thing a nice flat white.

No, no, you have to put linoleum on the wall.

Linoleum on the wall! Linoleum on the wall!

And then get some nice clean, functional, Scandinavian box furniture.

Some nice clean, functional, Scandinavian box relatives...

He's right. Right now, they look like these 18-century figurines.

I'd like to put them in a room and strip them.

- Figuratively. He doesn't wanna strip them. - Oh, no.

Then I'd like to throw them all in the ocean

and take them out and put them in Bermuda shorts.

- So maybe stretch pants, eh? - Blow them out of the ocean.

Put them in bouffant hairdos, you know.

Aluminum beehives and with the stretch pants

and scrape off all that funny rice powder.

Then you really have something. Something functional. Something box.

Something suburban.

Alistair, did you notice all the women in this house?

Uh, yes, Cecil, I did notice there were an awful lot of women in this house.

About 30 women and only about five men.

- There has to be some explanation. - Yeah, they died.

- Charlie, we have a surprise for you. - I don't want any more surprises.

We have a little present for you.

- A wedding present from you? - You might call it a non-wedding present.

- A non-wedding present? - It's the key to my apartment.

The key to his apartment. Here's another key. This is key number 315.

To box number 315, Grand Central Station.

Inside that box you'll find his little black book.

Here's a key to Madame King's Swing Lounge on West 42nd Street.

If you don't like Madame King, there's always the Playboy Club.

Here's the Playboy Club key. Ask for Bunny Flo.

Look, cut it out!

- Are you two up to something? - Give us back the keys, Charlie.

Yeah, both keys.

No hard feeling, Charlie.

- Better tell him, Cecil. - Alright. Time for positive action.

Charlie? Come here, Charlie. Come here.

I wanna give you something. It is the key...

- The key, Charlie. - The key to freedom.

- Freedom. - Right there.

- In the bushes. - Is that a Duesenberg?

Some Duesenberg! That's a 514. So that's what you two have been up to, eh?

- Know how to drive stick shift? - No, I don't.

Can't you ever catch on? Look, I told you before.

I've made up my mind. I'm gonna marry Josephine!

Don't you understand? I love her!

We're not knocking love. We're not knocking love, Charlie. Calm down.

Charlie, there's love and then there's marriage.

Now we're not knocking love, we're just knocking the institution: marriage.

Love is nice. Marriage is not nice.

Alistair, what are your opinions on love and marriage?

Yes, Alistair. Do tell us, will you?

- Well, Cecil... - Oh, Cecil, listen to this.

Cecil, my life is gonna to be strange.

I'm going to live it the way I wanna live it.

I'm gonna do what I wanna do.

I'm gonna have my little domicile. Then I'm going to be king of that domicile.

I'm gonna do anything I wanna do in it.

I'm gonna eat what I want to, sleep when I want to, drink when I want to.

I'm gonna have girls in if I want to. I'm gonna do anything I wanna do.

But if I get married, I'm not gonna get married, but if I should get married,

if I should get married, I'm gonna come home someday,

throw open the door and there's gonna be this thing there.

Oh, Charlie, please don't leave me. Don't stay too long.

You say you just wanna go out for a glass of milk, that's all.

So now you have to go out. You go out for the milk.

It's for the developing ulcer.

So you go out and you sit with a relative for about a half-hour.

You sit with them and they talk about the cats, they talk about milk.

You can't stay with them,

so you have to go down to the one place where there's life: the beach, the dock,

where there's a connection to the mainland.

And you start walking around the beach, around the sand,

for about six or seven times.

And then finally you go to the dock where there's this one ray of hope,

and you wait for the ferry and you wait.

Deep in back of your mind you say, "I'd like to take that ferry back to life."

And so finally the ferry does come and you wait.

You wait anxiously for something to come, something to give you some inspiration.

And when it finally comes up and people walk out...

What kind of people walk out? Three more vegetables. And go back up to the house.

In two years you'll flip. Two years you will flip.

- There's nothing to do on this island... - You'll flip.

- You'll flip! - Lay off, will you? Just lay off!

I've made up my mind.

I'm gonna get married and there's nothing you can do to stop me!

Just to show you how serious I am, I'm gonna take these keys,

put them in my pocket and they're gonna stay there till after I'm married.

- OK. Just take the keys. - That's all we want you to do.

- I'm gonna take these keys. - Just keep the keys.

Charles, what do you think of our beautiful little island?

- Oh, it's beautiful. - It is beautiful.

Uh... Some people find it a little too damp, but...

Thank you.

You know... things like that, which disturbs them.

But I must admit there's... there's nothing worse than...

I had one in the church last week and I...

Oh, excuse me, my dear. Pardon me, Phoebe.

It's quite alright. I wish everybody would stop treating me like a baby.

And I wish someone would listen to what I have to say.

I'm sorry. What did you say?

The trouble is people don't really listen to each other.

- Have you met Cecil? - Yes, we've met.

- How do you like our island? - Oh, I like it.

- Oh, excuse me. - It's alright.

You are the... How do they call it? ...the wallflower of the party, yes?

I beg your pardon.

Is there something wrong with my English?

In France, the most beautiful flowers grow on walls.

The morning glory, the hollyhock.

We haven't had a chance for a good talk in a long time.

I'm not planning on getting married. I'm planning a career.

Oh, I think you're going to be very foolish.

- Hi, there. I'm Alistair. - B. Bush.

Would you like a cigarette? They're harmless.

- No, thanks. I don't smoke. - You don't smoke them. You chew them.

A long talk. We know each other so well.

- Care for a candy cigarette, Nanny? - I am not a nanny.

- Charlie, where's the salt? - You never can tell about the weather.

I've been looking for it myself.

Oh, dear. Baker must have forgotten to put it out.

Baker, bring the salt for Charlie, will you? And refill the wine glasses.

This dampness has affected my sermons.

- So you're a bridesmaid? - Yes. What do you do?

Do you have much struggle with hurricanes?

Oh, not personally.

- Can you pass the salt? - I haven't got it.

Would you pass the salt?

- Charlie wants the salt. Where is it? - I've been looking forward to some myself.

- Do? When? - With your time.

Oh. Well, I eat, I sleep and I see a lot of movies.

Oh, I knew you were some kind of artist.

- I wouldn't put it past him. - She said she already passed it.

It went right past me.

Oh, bother, Baker! You've forgotten the salt again.

Oh, madam, I'm sorry to say that I can't...

Of course you can! We all can!

We have to do more than our jobs these days, that's all.

All he likes to do is write science-fiction.

Baker, I want my egg promptly at eight tomorrow morning.

I got to be on the tee at 9:30.

Really? I've read about scientific fiction myself. Nature stories.

There can't be too many good books around the woods and the fields.

What I'm interested in is the natural rhythms of the universe.

That could be extremely worthwhile,

depending on, of course, which rhythms you're interested in, huh?

Did you say you knew Jean-Claude in Paris?

And he's still in college.

I suppose Charlie knew Jean-Claude in Paris, too.

Charlie's never been to Paris.

You can't know anything about love unless you've been to Paris.

Madam, I think...

Please don't think. You need all the energy you have to do what you have to do.

Well, that sounds like free love. What about purity?

- Purity, that's a little naive. - Naive?

We're living in the 20th century.

You have your own Dr Kinsey, we have our Marquis de Sade.

Oh, my stars and garters!

- I knew it! - Oh!

- A portent of doom! - Who for?

Baker, are you sure you remembered to connect the lightning rods?

Madam, if I can find some tape, I can fix the lights.

Oh, thank you, Baker.

You poor girl. You must be so tired and cold.

Come upstairs, and when Baker's fixed the lights,

he'll make you a sandwich and bring it to your room.

It is awfully late. I think we'd better just all go to bed now.

My dear, you're so right. It's been a long day.

If you'll all just come along, I'll draw you a bath.

You'll all feel much better... Uh-uh!

I think you're barred to next door with the Reverend.

Yes, it's a simple house, boys. Clean and orderly and all the rest.

- Come along now, Cecil and Alistair. - Run along.

One of you is sleeping in my room, so please don't peek in my drawers.

- Oh! Come along, Celeste. - It's very close, so you can come visit.

I just hope those lights are on over there.

Er... Josephine?

Your bed is all turned down and ready for you.

Come along.

Thank you, dear.

Charlie. Charlie.

Charlie, Charlie, later, later tonight,

we're gonna go up to the Bonsai Lounge for a little stag party.

- Yeah? - All of us? For a little drink?

- Not me. - Oh, come on, Charlie.

- It's important. It's your last night. - I'm too tired.

No, it's important. You wanna get out of this place.

It's a cross between Kiddieland and an old-age home or something.

- Come on, Charlie. - We'll get you stoned the last night.

Right. If you don't wanna drink, you can drive, right?

- Yeah. Come on. You have the keys. Sure. - Sure.

Listen. This is gonna be the signal. Ready?

- It'll be him and me, right? - Come on now!

We have to go to the minister's house and put on some fresh swinging clothes.

- Come on. - Come on, Charlie.

Just wait for the signal.

We'll wait. Come on. Come on, boys.

- Come on, Chester and Alistair! - See you later.

Thank God the lights are on here.

Now don't be afraid of him, boys. That's just my dog, Basil.

He won't bite you. Don't bite 'em, Basil.

He's a good dog. A cute dog. Uh, Basil, this is Cecil and Alistair.

Alistair, I'm gonna put you in this room,

cos this bed is a little longer than the, uh... this one over here.

That's for you, Cecil.

In here, because it's a little shorter and a little wider.

It's Celeste's bed.

So you can take the stuffed stuff and just put it on the other bed.

And, oh, right in here, boys, is the bathroom.

- You don't mind sharing a towel, do you? - Oh, no, no.

And you'll have to remember one thing that the, um...

The, um, whatchamacallit on the... the hot-tub business on the right

is, uh, actually the cold, uh... thing on the left.

Do you know what I mean? Yes, OK. Well, good night, boys. Come on, Basil.

Some people's work is never done.

Who is it?

- Who do you think it is? - Charlie, come in!

Ugh! What the hell is that thing?

It's my nightie! What does it look like?

Come on, Charlie. It's my bicycle boy's nightie.

Oh, yeah? It's exactly what it looks like.

Come on, now. Didn't you buy anything special for our wedding night?

You're not gonna wear that, are you?

Well, if you don't like it, I can wear my yellow checked nightie,

or I can wear my blue striped nightie or my pink striped...

My granny nightie...

- Here's my granny's nightie. - Oh, forget it!

Look, you bought all these new things,

I kind of expected you bought something black and silky and lacy.

Charlie, that's so corny. You like lace?

Sort of fits the occasion, doesn't it?

It might give me a hacky.

I don't think a big girl like you might catch cold wearing that in bed!

- It's got lots of lace on it, Charlie. - Hmm...

Want some popcorn?

Oh, delighted.

They had kind of prizes in them when I bought them.

- This is hard. - OK...

I think you better go, Charlie.

Oh, wait a second!

I have to get used to this sometime, won't I? Might as well be now.

Ooh, I love those ruffles!

Oh, that's not ruffles! That's my skin!

My favorite material.

If, uh, you children are having trouble sleeping,

perhaps there's something we can do about it.

We weren't having trouble sleeping, Ninny. We were just getting ready to go...

on our honeymoon and packing and making plans.

I just hope this wedding isn't completely superfluous.

I just don't feel that Ninny's warming up to me properly.

Charlie, that's not true. She likes you. She just acts that way, Charlie.

They all liked you today, all my relatives.

Aunt Dot liked you and Aunt Judy.

Even Aunt Jennifer liked you, and she doesn't like anybody.

Charlie, Mrs. Lovett loved you.

They all loved you, Charlie. They shook hands and...

And they shook their heads and...

Charlie, that's so silly.

Come on. They came from halfway across the country to see you.

They came, they saw and I'd like to get outta here before anything else happens.

Charlie, they brought their children and their grandchildren.

Their great-grandchildren. Whole families.

Josephine, exactly how well-knit is your family?

Well, together a lot.

We get together on special occasions and on holidays.

Christmas. New Year's.

Thanksgiving. Easter. You know.

Halloween. Flag Day. Memorial Day. May Day.

April Fool's Day. Groundhog Day.

Oh, not Groundhog Day, Charlie.

We get together a lot. Well, don't you like it?

I love it!

Well, Charlie, if you don't, I guess we can give up some of the holidays.

I guess I could get used to a few of your relatives.

- Josephine, I brought you some hot milk. - Thank you.

Yours is in your room, Charles, and it tends to get very chilly in the night air.

- Thank you. - I think you better go, Charlie.

Well, after you.

Thank you very much.

It's great. Poor Charlie.

To think he's stuck down in that house

and it's his last chance to get up here and have this kind of fun.

- Well, go, Ali, go. - Go get him?

- Alright, I'll get him. - What time is it?

About time to get him. It'll take me five minutes. I'll be right back.

I'll order something.

Do you have hamburgers?

I want you both to be very nice to Charlie. He's a friend of mine.

OK? Will you be nice to Charlie tonight?

Will you be nice to Charlie?

I want everybody to be nice to Charlie tonight.

I want everyone to be nice to Charlie. Charlie is my best friend!

- Hey, Ali? Ali! - Yeah?

- What are you doing? Go get Charlie! - Oh, I'll get Charlie, I'll get Charlie.

Now where was I...?

It's wrong. It's all wrong.

It's just superficial gloss.

Nothing's real.

Those people, they're not having fun. It's all empty.

It's empty fun. Nothing's real.

The only thing that counts, the only thing that counts are the simple things.

Like... like weddings.

And grass. Erm... like... like a flower!

All my pieces sound different on the organ.

Two, three... four.

I quit!

One, two.

Three.

Play two. Rest two. Three, four.

Madam, I quit!

Certainly, Baker.

Celeste, dear, just take a rest a minute, would you?

I can't. There's not another rest till the next bar.

Excuse me, Madam.

- Certainly, Baker. - Excuse me.

- God bless you, Baker. - I said, excuse me, madam.

I heard you. Did you sneeze or something?

No, I did not. I quit!

Oh, good.

Quit? Baker, you couldn't do a thing like that!

Baker! Baker! I must talk to you. What is it?

- I quit, ma'am. - Oh, Baker, Baker! Why?

Why? Because I have too many duties around this house and not the right duty.

I have to do the laundry, make the beds, do the cooking.

But I'm not allowed to do the one thing that I want to do and that's to drive.

One, two, three, one...

Rest, two, three, four.

Meanwhile, there must be lots of things we can do.

- I'm sorry. I quit. - Oh, Baker, Baker, why? What is it?

I was brought up to fulfil certain tasks.

I'm not allowed to fulfil them. I'm not allowed to drive the car!

But, Baker, don't you know that I see in you

someone with a rich, creative talent?

And that's why I took you...

Baker, have you thought about what we might serve for dinner tonight?

Well... I hadn't really thought about it.

Well, I had thought of something cold, like an aspic.

What? Oh, no. Uh, we should have something nice.

Something like squid with green sauce.

When I was in Spain, we used to eat that often.

It's called calamares en su tinta. It's a Basque dish.

Don't you think it's rather an acquired taste?

I would prefer something a little plainer, you know, for all of these people coming.

Well, what would you like?

Perhaps we could fix up some old roast beef or...?

Oh, but we've had roast beef twice this week

and lamb kebabs and beef bourguignon.

How about something like a jelly? It's so simple. Make it the day before.

Put in some hard-boiled eggs, a little olives and leave it alone.

Perhaps I could fix up a buffet of cold beef tongue.

I think that would be nice.

I'm so tired of these slabs of cold meat lying around. It's really...

- Well, in that case... - It's really unpleasant.

Well, we should have then some... some... fish or fowl.

- Better. Much better. - I could fix up some paella.

Uh, I make it with brown rice.

Er, yellow rice.

And chicken chunks and oysters. And sausages and pimientos.

It just sounds rather hot for this weather. It's so warm.

Well, yes, but...

Well, perhaps, I could make some shrimp à la poulet.

And I could put it in those nice little seashells that we... I collected.

Remember last year...?

You're talking about a hot dish and I want something cold.

Well, it gets cold and it solidifies.

But then we might just as well have aspic.

- Goodbye, madam. I'm quitting. - Oh, not this morning of all mornings!

- Oh, Baker. Baker! - One, two...

I was thinking the other day,

there's a patch over there by the rhododendron bush

and I could plant it there and the sun is always there and...

Do you mean that in a few years we might have our own home-grown bananas?

Yes, in a few years, if I took care of it.

Oh, Baker, what a marvelous idea!

- Meanwhile, what about tonight? - Tonight?

Well, it's too bad. We don't have the peach trees in bloom yet.

They won't be in bloom for two years and we could serve some peaches.

I think you're going to have to go down to the store and buy something.

The store? Well, why? You want to buy...?

You, Baker, you could take the big car. You could drive the car, Baker.

- I could drive the car down, couldn't I? - You could.

I could shine up my shoes and I could take the car.

- Certainly. - And drive downtown.

- I'll take your bag into the house. - Oh, yes. That's a very good idea.

Ah, Charlie. Hi, Charlie.

Sorry we couldn't have the stag party, but we got a little involved.

- Yeah, so I noticed. - That's right, we got too involved.

So we went up to the Bonsai Lounge

and had a wonderful time with these wonderful girls.

Of which she is a wonderful sample.

Yeah, we might have a little talk,

so would you please get in the corner, the bridesmaids' corner?

Thank you, wonderful little girl.

Charlie? Charlie...

- Charlie, we've changed our minds. - About what?

We think that getting married is a wonderful thing.

Wonderful. What is it, Charlie?

- It's wonderful! - It's so wonderful. I say, Charlie...

- It's just wonderful. - Wonderful.

- Sorry. - ♪ There goes the groom

♪ There goes the groom

♪ There goes the groom... ♪

- Mrs. Fish? - Oh! Did you sleep well?

- OK, I guess. - I'm glad.

Mrs. Fish, could I have a frozen daiquiri?

If you go in the dining room, Josephine will pour you a glass of vegetable juice.

She's making your breakfast now.

First I've made this most wonderful healthy breakfast.

I can make casseroles, Charlie!

We're not gonna have to worry about money,

because I'm gonna save lots of it by buying everything in sales!

We'll know each other so well that you can put on your slippers

and that will be my signal to go and cook.

We're gonna be alone together so much, Charlie,

that we won't even have to talk.

I'll put a chart up and we'll check off each day you wash and each day I wash.

We'll make it fair. The day after you wash, you get to cook.

About money, Charlie... I know you love me.

We're gonna have to have a little money,

so why don't we just get together and write a little cook book?

Charlie, I'm gonna make you wonderful breakfasts just like this.

You're gonna get to love seeing the sun come up

because we won't go out at night and it's gonna be like this every single day.

Josephine? Charles?

It's customary for a minister to give a couple...

er... a couple of words of advice before their wedding.

And since we have some time before the rehearsal,

I thought that we might take a shortcut across the country,

which is actually just a little bit longer than going by way of the road.

We can use my bicycle.

You see, um... as you know,

or as you will know in some years, when you're a little older,

it's not always the, uh, wisest thing to follow a straight line.

Now you can read a twig just like you would read a book,

if you know what I mean, or a path or a bush or a...

Well, whatever it is that you happen to happen upon.

Watch out, my friend!

A boy mastering his bicycle is the sign of a child becoming a man.

Coasting gives us a fine opportunity to test our brakes.

You've never tested them before?

Does a bird know what his wings are for before?

The bicycle is innocent of pride.

It makes no distinction between lying on its, uh, side

and standing up.

Miniature golf is a useful sport first developed by the Japanese, Charles.

There's a number of things that you can learn from it,

for it teaches you patience, fair play,

restraint of your passions and, above all, discipline.

Have you ever noticed how almost anyone can drive,

but it takes real good judgement to sink a putt?

Then there are those like General Eisenhower who plays big golf.

But then, we aren't all generals, are we?

Just as modern as those automobiles or that airplane

and all the rest of your modern, uh, whatchamacallits.

Yes, this old house is really very old.

But once it was just as young and pretty and up-to-date as you are yourselves.

Try to think of it in terms of what it did,

rather than what it can no longer do.

As you want to remember that one day your veranda will sag

and your windows will be broken, too,

and your wood will rot and your sails will turn to rags.

If I may mix a metaphor.

But you can't do anything about this stuff.

Poison ivy refuses to be stamped out.

We must learn to love it in spite of itself, love it for itself,

love it in spite of ourselves.

In spite of everything.

A fork in the road tells us that somewhere on ahead there

something lies to the left and something to the right.

It's safe to assume, therefore, that nothing that lies in between

is of particular importance.

So we must cleave to the path that calls us to keep our promises.

We can leave our tracks behind for anyone who has lost his way.

You girls having trouble?

How can I help you here? You're stuck here?

Oh.

Well, you must have something stuck under your wheel.

Well, this looks alright.

So does this one. Must be on this side.

Oh, there it is! You've got a great big log stuck under your rear wheel.

Like this?

Oh, you're quite welcome.

Yeah, sure. My pleasure.

Stay inside the car and I'll give you a push.

Bye!

This mule reminds me of a story about a donkey.

Solomon was on the road one day,

and he met this donkey keeper who was, uh, married

and known for drinking more than he could hold,

and following, um...

...uh, well, loose women about.

And so Solomon said to this man with the mule,

"Why gaddest thou about so?

"Thou art like thy wild ass,

"who snuffeth up the wind at his pleasure."

"But," said the man with the mule, "What can I do about it?

"After all, I am only a poor, uh, donkey keeper."

"Well, then change your profession," said, um... whatshisname.

Not the man with the mule, the other one.

- Solomon. - Yes.

- Are we late for the rehearsal? - No, no, Charles.

- Hello there. - Is this the Fish residence?

- Why, yes. That's the house. - Wonderful.

- Are you coming to the wedding? - Yes, I am. I'm a friend of Josephine's.

- Oh, really? So am I. - Very nice to meet you.

- I'm Charlie. - I am Inderjit Singh. My name is Singh.

- This is a beautiful car you have. - Yes, it is a wonderful car. Very fast.

- It's injected? - It is injected, yes.

It's very high speed. It's much too fast, really, you know.

But I'm really up here to fly a glider,

which is much better than driving this car, no matter how fast it is.

I'm here for a glider meet, a few miles away,

and I just stopped by to say hello to Josephine

and tell her how marvelous it was that she was finally getting married.

Hmm. Yeah.

- What did you say? - I think you're the man for Josephine.

- Oh! Isn't that wonderful? - She likes you very much and, er...

Oh, I don't know that... that really I should marry her.

What was it you said exactly?

I said I don't really think that I should marry her.

I really think that you would be much more her type.

- You shouldn't carry her? - I said I shouldn't marry her!

- Oh. - Did you understand me?

No, I think she's a marvelous girl, perfect for you.

She's a wonderful girl, but I think she's better suited to you.

You two have a lot in common I'm sure.

- Oh, Josephine is not common... - No, she's not. That's not what I said.

Can you understand me? I said that you two seem to have a lot in common.

In common? Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

I am very common man,

I don't come from a particularly high caste, but I'm still a very nice fellow.

- I don't mean that. - She appreciates a certain type.

Well, I have been engaged to Josephine for some time.

Uh, but I wouldn't wanna stand in the way.

- The house of your fiancée, I believe. - We're getting close to it.

- I think we're going the right way. - Watch out! Watch out!

Let's go, Cecil!

Have you ever flown a kite?

I think I'm getting sick.

Getting sick? But there is no reason to get sick.

It's absolutely unnecessary because I'm a wonderful pilot,

and none of my passengers ever, ever get sick.

Inderjit! How are you?

- Very well, my dear! - Oh!

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. I have to be rushing.

You can't run away!

I have to go now. I just came by to say hello.

You're not leaving? We're gonna have a wonderful dinner tonight.

No, I have to be in Phoenix, Arizona, to play polo. It's absolutely necessary.

Fore!

Fore!

Fore!

- Charlie, bring up the ball! - Sure, sure. I'll bring it up right now.

I said I'll bring it up. I've got your golf ball!

- I'll bring it up to you right now! - Bring it up.

- Can you hear me? - Thank you.

Fore!

- Oh! - Oh.

- Excuse me. - There it is.

- I guess that must be yours. - Yes, thank you.

I just took up this game. I don't have much control yet.

Um... what's your name?

- Charlie. - Oh, yes. Charlie, Charlie.

Glad to meet you. Have a drink?

- No, thanks. - Oh...

I guess you're wondering what I'm doing up here.

What role I play in this great household.

Well...

I'm Josephine's daddy, of course.

Uh, thanks to nature.

But it wasn't always that way.

You know, that's the beautiful part of this evolutionary path.

From a tadpole to a frog and from a worm to a butterfly.

Of course, you're still a tadpole.

Fore!

Was it very hard for you to make the transition?

Oh, at college I was the captain of the bicycle team.

But that isn't the sort of thing you build a life on.

You can't stop progress.

Oh, I adjusted to marriage pretty fast.

I guess you can expect some natural changes.

What sort of changes should I look forward to?

Well...

You lose track of your friends.

You learn to sit at a desk.

Eat what's good for you, instead of what you like.

Take pills, so you can sleep better. Forget about free time.

You, uh... expect to get measles from the children.

Drink a bit too much.

Learn to mow the lawn and wash the car on Sunday.

Have a brandy?

Thank you. I... I think I will.

Remember... you don't get anything for nothing.

An eye for an eye and, you know, that sort of thing.

Well, marriage must have some advantages.

When did it start to pay off?

Well, it took me a while to learn to swim with the school.

But the older I got, the better I liked it.

The year I retired was the best I ever had.

In '65, I began all over again.

I could do everything I wanted to do as a boy.

I had the time. I had the money.

And I had the desire.

But you couldn't do all the things you'd do if you were 20 and single.

That's right. That's just it. I know what I wanted.

I took up chess and gardening and taxidermy.

You know, to know how to relax,

you've got to learn how to be really tired.

And to appreciate things, you've got to suffer.

The natural way.

Look at the universe, boy.

Marriage is the natural school of life. Fore!

Charlie! Charlie!

Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!

- Hey, where are you going? - I'm just taking a walk.

A walk? That was the fastest walk I ever saw. It's more like a sprint.

Will you leave me alone for a while? I'd like to be by myself.

- What do you wanna be alone for? - I wanna do some thinking.

We've been thinking. We've got things to tell you.

Oh, I have things to tell you, too. You were right.

- No, we were wrong. - You were right.

The idea of me spending the rest of my life with one person.

It's not one person, Charlie. It's the person, a special person.

- Oh, you're wrong. I want my freedom. - Uh-uh.

- Freedom? Why do you want freedom? - Always have your freedom.

I don't wanna have to be tied down to one person.

- Don't you love her? Love Josephine? - Don't you love her?

- Yeah, I love her. - Well, sure you do.

Marriage is the pinnacle of love.

Oh, that's wrong. Marriage is a crutch, it's a convention.

It's not a crutch, Charlie. It's not a convention.

- Charlie... - Hey, Charlie! Charlie!

Marriage is a crown. Remember what Dante said?

- What about Dante? - Dante said that love rules the universe.

Well, he never married his Beatrice, did he?

Charlie, Beatrice was a figment, a figment of his imagination.

- You don't wanna be a bum all your life. - Well, maybe I like it that way!

- Charlie, you wouldn't like it. - He doesn't.

You don't want someone to take care of you? Wash your clothes, your dishes?

- You want someone to cook for you? - Hamburgers and waffles.

Where are the keys?

Keys to my Duesenberg, I need them.

I left them in the glove compartment of the car.

They weren't in the glove compartment. I looked.

Don't you want to be a great artist, be able to write great science-fiction?

You have to learn how to develop a philosophical consciousness

that's gonna encompass the universe.

- What's that to do with getting married? - Every great man knows how to suffer.

Every great man has a great woman behind him.

- And you're not even great! - He's got a great girl behind him.

You're one step ahead of the game. Every great man knows how to suffer.

Bergman knows how to suffer. Fellini knows how to suffer. Hitchcock suffers.

And you suffer the right way, with a woman.

Great men have thrown themselves on the stake,

suffered in garrets, died in the plague,

worn their nerves down to little toothpicks, all for the love of great women.

What about Beethoven? He never had a woman in his life.

- Beethoven was deaf, Charlie. - Why are you going to the car?

- Where are the keys? - I told you before, I don't have them.

They're in my other jacket.

That's not true. I looked in your other jacket. I looked in your coat, your suit.

I looked in your closet, your bureau drawer.

- Looked everywhere. I couldn't find them. - Oh, some privacy I have here!

It's not that, Charlie.

Let's go back to the house. We have to get dressed for dinner.

And besides, we have to think about Josephine...

You let me think about Josephine!

What's between Josephine and me is my business.

How would you like it if...?

Keep your hands out of my pockets and your noses out of my business!

Some friends I've got!

- Oh, hey, Charlie. - Hey, Charlie. Charlie!

Hey! Hey, Charlie.

Hey.

Come on, Charlie! Hey, Charlie. Come on. Let's go back.

- We have to go back to the house. - Alright. Listen, we'll have some fun.

We'll do our dance and throw the old ladies up in the air.

Listen, we'll teach the old ladies how to do the Frug and the Watusi

and the Fish and the Swim.

Hmm, ba-ba-boom!

You can play the piano and I'll put a towel around me...

He'll make his ta-tuba.

- Come on, Charlie. Come on. - Whoo-oo!

- Smile, Charlie! - Wah! Wah!

That's it. Come on, let's go back. Back to the house. Listen...

If you wanna play kids' games, go play by yourselves!

Look, I'll put on some... some lipstick, and I'll be Claire Bloom.

And you'll be Lionel Barrymore in the "Magnificent Obsession" scene,

1927, remember?

No? No? Alright.

How about if we pour lots of water on the floor, tons of water,

and do the tap dance from "Singin' In The Rain"?

♪ I'm singin' in the rain ♪ Splash, splash!

♪ I'm singin' in the rain ♪ Splash, splash!

♪ What a glorious feeling, I'm singin' again... ♪

- Wait a second! - Where are the keys?

Yeah, Charlie. Where are the keys?

Oh! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna tell his fortune.

- Good idea. - That's what he needs. Let's see...

I'll open this hand... Look at this. Hey.

You're gonna be married for 60 years. He's got a 60-year line.

And you want children, Charlie? You're gonna have two girls and a boy.

Yeah, but this hand isn't too good. I think it's this one...

- No! - No, this always determines it.

- People have conflicting hands. - See? Mm-hm.

Two, three, four. Ooh. Ooh, what's this?

- Mm-hm. Key line. - Ooh. Key.

It's a key line, Charlie, right in the middle of your dirty hand.

Not many people have that, you're very lucky.

- Look how long it is. - We better go inside and wash it up.

Wash it up and get some dinner clothes on you.

I'll show you my Anna May Wong postcards. You love those, all three of them!

- We'll sing Irish songs. - Irish songs.

- Aren't you dressed? - I'm not dressed. I'm just thinking.

Better watch out. I'm a roaring lion, I might eat you up.

You're not a lion, Charlie, you're a slob! Oh, look at you!

Well, I am little bit moth-eaten and all, yeah.

But you remember, even caged lions are dangerous.

Once a lion, always a lion!

Aargh!

Well?

I wouldn't come any closer, if I were you.

This is no place for a woman tonight. There's a gorilla on the rampage.

Well, Charlie, I'm not scared of gorillas, either.

- Now don't be childish. - I'm not!

I'm being realistic.

Know what they do?

They take little children out of their houses at night.

They commit other atrocities.

- Maybe they're lonely. - Uh-uh.

You know what I think?

I think they're jaded.

- If I were gonna survive... - Oh!

Stop it.

- Ow! - Don't call me Charles.

Alright. Just don't mess my hair.

Yeah...

You haven't got any hair!

You're so pink. Have you been sick?

Charlie, where's your shoe?

God, what a terrible disease!

You're pale all over.

- Are you a god? - Help me put on your shoe.

I don't wear any shoes!

We don't wear 'em here!

Children, where are you?

Coming, Mother!

I'll come over there, if you promise to go down right after me.

Oh!

What, are you scared I'll bite you?

I have to rub you with some animal dung!

Oh, I love your hair long.

Oh, I love to tangle my fingers in it.

Oh, honey, that's good.

Little bit over to the left. Oh, scratch.

Don't change, Charlie. Never grow up.

I wouldn't know how.

- You know something? - What?

I'm not a lion deep inside, I'm an alligator.

What would you say if I didn't come to your wedding?

Charlie...

No. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Maybe you get one of those people to come do it for you, a proxy.

You got an answer for everything, don't you?

Well...

Let's go.

Where's your shoe?

Charlie?

Do you want some aspirin or some coffee before you go down?

I think I'd like a drink with some ice.

Come on.

Oh!

Goodbye, all you fishes and birds and cows.

What are you doing?

Saying goodbye.

Well... back to captivity!

Happens to the worst of us.

It's all part of the immense design, isn't it? Right?

Right! Ha-ha!

I have a couple of words for this couple of children,

who are about to become a, um... well, a pair of married people.

And may they be as two things, which come together and make one thing,

which is a better thing than the first...

such as, uh, well, salt and pepper, uh, food and drink.

Great speech.

And, uh... this and that.

I'd like everyone to know without our friend here, the Reverend, to tie the knot,

we wouldn't have any occasion to drink here tonight at all!

To that glorious stuff, champagne!

Yes, the next minute and a half I dedicate to Josephine.

"Twenty Lovesick Maidens."

♪ Twenty lovesick maidens we

♪ Lovesick far beyond our will

♪ Twenty years hence we will be

♪ Twenty lovesick maidens still ♪

'Josephine may have gained a husband,

'but I have finally found a brother.'

'I'd like to toast Charlie.'

'I'd like to make a toast to the terrific turkey here tonight.'

'It was in school when Charlie and I were trying out for the football team,

'and I noticed this skinny little kid there and he was a little scared.

'I was scared, too, but only because I'm...'

'I'm always on tap call,

'and if they need me, I'll be more than willing to dedicate...'

'...threw the ball to Charlie...'

'And then Charlie grabbed the ball and there were these ten...'

I have decided to propose a toast to the bride and groom.

So Charlie ran...

I'd just like to make another quick toast to weddings in general!

'Peace and harmony, and may the love god Eros

'shower his entire quiver of arrows on them.'

'It just shows what a great guy he is. I just...

'Tell 'em how great you are, Charlie.'

'For a guy of your background, it's fantastic...'

'I'd like to make a toast to parties...'

'To my other daughter and all you bachelors,

'I'd like to have you take a look at her and see what we can do next year.'

'Well, I don't know if I can stand one more drop of this bubbly.'

Natural childbirth is a contradiction in terms.

I want someone like you to kiss.

Well, that's very nice of you to say that, my dear. It's true, too...

Hey, there.

Hey!

I bet you look real pretty with your glasses off.

Oh, I can't see with them off.

A pretty girl like you shouldn't worry about something like that.

Well, you see, I can't take them off, cos it's a special prescription,

and the doctor told me I should never take my glasses off

because then I can't see.

This surely is a nice dessert.

It's very sweet.

- You're pretty sweet yourself. - Oh, I wish you wouldn't talk like that.

He's getting acquainted with my niece, Celeste.

Don't you like the way I'm talking to you?

Well, it's just that I don't want everybody to hear.

Isn't that nice? Yeah.

Have some wine.

I'll bet you like sweet wine.

Well, sometimes, but...

But sometimes I like it a little bit on the dry side, too.

Well, I like sweet things, myself.

Oh...

You know, sweet young things.

Do you want some more dessert?

Uh-uh.

Well, I do and mine's down there.

Oh. Well, I guess that can be arranged.

That's just the way he is, Phoebe.

- A great deal of understanding! - But I do understand him.

And then once you understand him, you can gradually change him over.

Gee, this sure's a funny dessert.

It's all light and cold.

It was burning before.

I love it. I've had a whole lot of it.

Oh, I must've gotten a cold part. I'm awful cold now.

Gee, I sure would like to have my coat.

It's up in my room.

Oh, do you want me to go get it for you?

Well, I don't think you could find it... alone.

Well, I...

I guess you'll have to come up and help me find it, eh?

Huh?

Come on, Charlie. Just one more little flight to go and I can get my coat.

Put it down.

Hey, where is everybody?

Hey, come on, Celeste.

Come on downstairs. I wanna make a toast to you!

But I'm cold. I wanna get my coat.

- Don't you wanna see my room? - What's to see about your room?

This is my room. They put me in the old storage room.

Oh, it's dark in here.

Oh, don't close the door.

- But there's people out in the hall. - Well, uh...

It's getting hot in here. You don't wanna close the door.

We're gonna leave it open like this, OK?

But I'm cold. And anyway there might be somebody out in the hall.

Don't worry about that.

Hey, uh... You got any records for that thing?

Well, I have a few songs of mercy and forgiveness.

Well, have you got anything loud?

Well, I have one loud one, but it has a little scratch in it.

Well... is it a loud scratch?

No, it's a soft one, but I can play it for you, if you'd like to hear it.

It's one of my favorite records.

My uncle gave it to me. I always play it. All the time.

Oh, it's nice.

It might be a little bit better loud.

No. Somebody might hear in the hall.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

But it's supposed to be soft anyway.

Hey, how about a little bit of fresh air in here, eh? What do you say?

- There's people out here. - No! You can't do that!

Hey, hello down there, what are you doing?

No! Don't do that!

They didn't even hear us.

I'm getting awfully sleepy now. I guess it's cos I had too much fun.

It's sure a factor.

I think I'll take a little nap now.

Do you wanna take a little nap, too?

Come on, Celeste. There's a party downstairs.

And you don't wanna miss the party, do you? Come on, let's go.

Don't you want your coat?

No, I don't want it any more.

Hey, look at this. It's a stinger.

Oh, I never had a stinger before in my life.

Hm... Grasshoppers.

There's lots of grasshoppers out by the haystack.

Hey... let's light a fire and keep you warm.

But there isn't any wood.

Here, light this.

Hey, a cigar...

Cigars make me sick.

I like 'em anyway, though!

You know, forbidden fruit and all that.

What's the matter, Charlie?

Oh, poor Charlie.

Come on, Charlie. I better take you up to your room.

Come on. Get up.

Oh, poor Charlie.

Oh, Celeste, all I want you to do is just go downstairs and tell Josephine

that I'm up here with you, that's all.

I can't do that, Charlie.

I like to do bad things and everything, but I don't wanna get caught.

Not even as a favor to me?

No, Charlie. I can't do that.

Why don't you do something yourself to postpone the wedding?

You can fall off the roof and break your leg,

or you can go out there swimming in the bay and drown.

Or... you can get run over by a car on the way to the wedding.

Or you can cut yourself shaving or something.

I'm too much of a coward for that kind of thing.

That's too bad.

Well, here we are.

Terrible Charlie and wicked Celeste.

Locked out.

We should've met sooner.

Thank you, Celeste. It's nice of you to say that.

But I guess even if we had met sooner, things wouldn't have worked out, cos...

...well, I'm not really your type and you're not really my type, either.

That's the way it always is.

Terrible Charlie loves patient Josephine,

and wicked Celeste loves sensible Sam.

Sensible Sam?

I never met anybody like that.

Oh, you will. That's the way it always is.

It's all part of the immense design.

Right? Right.

I guess so.

'...and then I decided I really want my coat and then we came back upstairs,

and then Charlie, he just fell down and he got all passed out,

'so I put him on the window sill and then I shut the door...'

And then I had to go out on the roof and see what happened to him.

And that's what happened, see.

Celeste, kindly go to bed.

- Night, Charlie. - Go along, dear girl.

Well, Charlie.

You're lucky that a woman of my years and experience

walked in on your little scene and not my daughter.

She'd not take kindly to it and I can hardly blame her.

As it is, we'll keep it between us.

Girls, here are the flowers

that you're supposed to make into bouquets to take...

Don't grab the flowers!

Oh, you little bridesmaids! How do you do?

Oh, you do look pretty, all of you. Isn't that a pretty dress?

- Your dress is pretty. - Oh, thank you. I'm glad you like it.

I think yours is very pretty, too.

- Are we going to the church soon? - Very soon. What nice curls you have.

Now make sure all your socks are pulled up neatly.

Hold onto the flowers gently, so they don't wilt before you get there.

Anything you want to know, just ask Celeste.

Oh, but Mrs. Fish... What...? Please don't leave me alone.

I don't know what to do with little children.

Oh, hello.

Oh, you wouldn't know whether there's a wedding going on here, would you?

I most certainly would.

You've bought the bouquets. Would you take them into the kitchen?

Our man's name is Baker.

Say, little lady. Are you one of the bridesmaids?

Well, uh, no.

That dress is mighty pretty. Pretty enough for a bridesmaid.

Thank you. I'm so glad you like it. I had it made specially for the wedding.

I know that you weren't the bride because the bride always wears white.

Indeed she does. Well, the first time, anyway.

My son's getting married around here to a Miss Fish.

Well, I'm Mrs. Fish!

Well! Not really? My name's Charles, too.

How do you do, Charles?

Have you any idea where Charles is?

No, but Ninny, our nanny, would know.

Why don't you take a seat? And I'll see if I can find her.

These flowers are for you.

What a very charming thought. Thank you so much.

Ninny, are you up there?

Uh, Charles's father, Charles, is here.

He wants to see his son before the wedding.

Ninny, have you seen Charles? Ninny?

He put his tie on over an hour ago. He must be around somewhere.

Ninny? Ninny?

- Oh, dear, have you seen Charlie? - No, I haven't.

Have you seen Carol? She's late.

She's so trying, that girl. She worries me so much.

- Carol? - Mrs. Fish, I'm sorry I'm late.

But I got up in time to come and then when I got to the door,

the knob fell off and I couldn't get out.

Oh, gosh, that's terrible.

Mrs. Fish, it's raining out!

- This veil's one big mess! - I told you not to wear this veil.

- Nobody's listening to my story! - Mrs. Fish, it is raining out.

- Baker... - I'll go upstairs and close the windows.

Keep everything dry.

- Cecil, have you seen Charlie? - No. I'll get the car.

Oh, don't worry about Charlie. He's always late.

Dear, take care of your veil!

Charlie!