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Good evening, everybody.
I'm Rich Eisen,
pleased to be joined...

by Omar Dorsey, Terrell Thomas
and Dwight Freeney.

This is the Sklar Brothers'
one-hour stand-up comedy special
pregame show.

Thank you for joining us.
The media hype is over.

It's now time for comedy.

But before we get to the show,
in our brief time,

I wanna hit some
of the narratives,

some of the story lines
that'll be playing out
on that stage tonight.

The first thing
I want to talk about
is the weather.

We know the Sklars
are from the Midwest.
They choose a Midwest town.

But they chose
Madison, Wisconsin right
in the middle of February...

for their stand-up special.

I've never thought of these guys
as cold-weather comics at all.

That's been the knock on Randy
throughout his whole career.

He can't perform
in cold weather, which is why he
doesn't perform well in Canada.

I'm really not
that worried about Randy.

I'm more worried about Jason
in those glasses.

It might get a little bit
fogged up.

We have to remember that
this guy just had a baby.

- Preach, Omar.
- Yes.

- Dwight, weather tonight.
- Think about Sinbad.

Sinbad in the Caribbean.
What happened to him?

You got the wind blowing.
You got birds.

He's sweating profusely.
You got monkeys.

All types of things
happening during that event.

But he still
did a great job.

Why?
It was because of the jokes.

You're a comedy historian,
Dwight Freeney.
I didn't know that about you.

- I love my Sinbad.
- But you know about
playing hurt, Dwight.

Randy's playing hurt tonight.
He clearly doesn't wanna
talk much about it.

Doesn't want it
to be a factor.

Really, it's the range
of motion. Honestly.

It's turning
to this side of the crowd
and that side of the crowd.

You might get stuck
fixated on one side...

- and forget about
the other side.
- Hmm.

He has to be smart
about it, you know.

Stay with the right side and
move gingerly to the other side.

So they don't see
any tightness in the back.

I wanna talk about
the social issue that is
clearly on the table tonight...

with the Sklar Brothers,
the first ever openly
twin comedians.

Uh, Dwight,
how do you think that's
gonna play in the locker room?

These guys
have each other's back.
And that's the one thing.

I did hear
that they came out
as twins to their mom.

Their mother already knew.
You can't fool a mom.
She knows these things.

There's a lot
on the line tonight, guys.
I'm not gonna lie.

Our own Bonnie Bernstein
is with Jason now as he prepares
to take the stage. Bonnie.

Rich, trying to figure out
if this guy here...

is sleep deprived
from the little one
or deep in thought.

What's going through
your head right now?

I'm just going through
my joke progressions.

Just trying to take it
one joke at a time.

Prepare for any
situation that arises.

Weather.
Will it be a factor?I hope not.

There you have it.
Let's head over to
our own Bonnie Bernstein.

She's standing by
with Randy.

All right, Bonnie.
Thank you. Randy,

noticed you put on
a couple pounds lately.

Yeah, three pounds.
None of it muscle.That's good for comedy.

Well, you never want
to Piscopo out, so--That's a good point.

Watched you during warm-ups.
Your back did look
a little bit stiff.

What's the status there?It was a little tight,

but I feel like the first
35 minutes of this thing,

I'm gonna be
running on adrenaline.

I'll be fine.
It's just how do I
finish this thing?

Basically,
I'm just gonna run through
my joke progressions.

Try and take it
one joke at a time
and just stay focused.

Everybody's talking
about the weather
in this performance.

Midwest,
middle of the winter.
Will it be a factor?

I hope so.
Thanks, Bonnie.

Conflicting
opinions there, Rich.

But one thing that we do know:
These guys are both focused.

Now it's all
about execution.
Back to you.

There's no doubt
that the first few
jokes are crucial...

for the success
of tonight's performance.

All right, now let's
send it out to Madison
for what promises to be...

one of the most exciting
Jewish identical twin one-hour
stand-up specials of all time.

We'll see you guys at half.

[ Man ] Welcome to the stage the Sklar Brothers.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

Thank you.Thank you very much.

I have to tell you.
We are a little bit
freaked out right now.

We're tripped out
because of something
we just learned backstage.

Right there.On Twitter.

This is crazy and freaky.
And this is a terrible way
to start out a special.

But we just learned
something nutty back there.

Randy and I just
found out on Twitter
that rapper Pitbull...

was a rescue.So weird--

A lot of people don't
know that about him.

He's doing a lot better
with children.He is getting better.

You still can't
approach him from behind.

He'll bite the shit
out of your hand.
[ Growls ]

When he clamps down
with that rapper's jaw.
Boom.

It's either him or you.That's right.

When you approach him,
you gotta go like this
and then like this.

It's like this
and then like this.

J.Lo never understood that.
That's the problem.

She found out
the hard way.That's right.

I love that he did
a Dr. Pepper commercial.

I love that Pitbull
was cool enough and he did
those Bud Light commercials.

But when he did the Pepsi
commercial, that's when
Jay and I were like, "Mm-mmm."

We're drawing the line.
Not so much because
he sold out again.

But because for a minute,
Pepsi decided to be cool?

Why is Pepsi?
Why you trying
to be cool, Pepsi?

Just embrace
who you are as a cola,
then maybe we would drink you.

All right.

If we could be
twin Don Drapers
for a moment.

And we could pitch
a new ad campaign
for Pepsi.

Here's the commercial.
It's just a waitress.

She's staring directly into
the camera and she's like--

No, we don't,
but we have Pepsi.
Is that okay?

Pepsi work?Is that all right?

Sorry.So sorry.

Sorry about that.

Wait.
No, don't leave.Don't go. Why?

Why are you going?We should have said yes.
We should have said yes.

Pepsi:
We should have said yes.

Lied to your face,
told you it was Coke
and let you sort it out.

That's the new Pepsi
challenge right there.

Pepsi: The default cola.How about that?

There you go.When there isn't
anything else: Pepsi.

It's great to be
back in the Midwest.
Great to be in Wisconsin, man.

[ Crowd Cheering ]Feels good.

We have been here less than
24 hours, and we've both
consumed enough cheese...

to crap out
a Packers fan, literally.Full grown.

Fully grown
shareholder.Full grown.

Yeah, full grown
shareholder.

It's good to be back
in the Midwest. We grew up
in St. Louis, the Midwest.

Actually, you could've
blindfolded us and not told us
we were coming to Wisconsin...

and we would have known
exactly that we were
in the Midwest.

Why? When we got off the plane,
we were face-to-face with
the world's greatest mullet.

Oh, my God.
It was so beautiful.

- It was glorious.
- Yes.

Here's why it was so great.
Because it was
an un-ironic mullet.

Yeah, just a mullet
for the good of the game.That's right.

A mullet for mullet's sake.See, I live in a very hip
neighborhood in Los Angeles.

If I see a mullet
in my neighborhood,
my first thought is, "Fuck you."

You're an asshole.

You're gonna take that
away from America?How dare you.

How dare you.Yeah.

Why don't you get on your
recumbent unicycle--Yeah.

Pull up your hilarious
acid-washed jorts.Mm-hmm.

Get your gondolier pole--
even though we're nowhere
near the water--

and pedal the hell
out of here, all right?

Take your artisanal lemonade
with you too, bitch.

Boysenberry?
Get out of here.

But you see a mullet
in Wisconsin,

in Nebraska, in Missouri--

In its natural habitat.

In the wild, as it were.Yes. A free-range mullet,
as we like to call it.

A grass-fed mullet.

A simple organic
Whole Foods mullet.
I don't know why.

That is amazing, right?
That is literally like watching
a horse ride another horse.

It's so--
How is this happening
in front of my eyes?

How is Secretariat
on top of Seabiscuit?
There's so many hooves.

I don't know.
But I know I wanna
follow that guy around...

and find out what
his next eight decisions
are gonna be in his life...

if this was one of them.

'Cause that was a choice.

It got us thinking.
We jumped down the rabbit hole.
We started talking.

There is no mullet hall of fame
in the United States.
There should be.

How could there not be
a mullet hall of fame?

If I were gonna build a mullet
hall of fame, I would put it
inside of a Supercuts.

There you go.[ Chuckling ]

Honoring the birthplace
of the mullet.
I appreciate that.

If I were doing a mullet
hall of fame, I would put it
right behind a Supercuts.

So literally,
it's a business in the front
and a party in the back.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

Just have Dog
the Bounty Hunter
induct everyone.

Oh, God.All-time inductee.

That might be the biggest
mullet ever on television.Ever created.

His mullet is so big
he doesn't even know
what's going on back there.

I was watching it one time
and I saw he had little
feathers on the side.

I was like,
"Oh, that's so great.
He's honoring Native American--

Oh, shit.
That's a dead bird."

Uh, he was driving a Jeep
earlier and it flew in.

He doesn't know
what gets caught back there.
That's a dream catcher, guys.

And a dream crusher,
if you ask his wife.That's right.

Let's be honest.

So we started talking about
the mullet hall of fame.

There should be some people
who are just automatically
inducted.

Automatic bids

If you played in the NHL
between '88 and '92,
automatically in.

Or if you play in
Russia today, automatically in.You're in.

K.D. Lang.Let's get the femullet
up in this case.

Ladies can have mullets.
You better believe it.

February could be
black mullet month.There you go.

It's controversial,
but we're backing it.

That's right.

Here's the thing.
Black people don't think
they have mullets. You do.

From the Jheri curl
to the cornrow, it's tight,
then it gets messy down here.

Those are mullets.

No, Jason,
those are blullets.Black mullets, yes.

And if we all
agree with that,
then we all also agree...

that Allen Iverson
has been rocking a mullet
for two decades.

Not a weave.Not a weave.

We're talking
about mullets.We talking about mullets, man.

Not a weave.Not a weave.

We're talking
about mullets.We talking about mullets, man.

Come on, man.
We're talking
about mullets.

We talking
about mullets, man.We talking about mullets, man.

We up here, we been
doing comedy for 20 years.
We talking about mullets, man.

Come on, man.Mullets.

Come on, man.Come on, man.

Sadly, that could've
gone on for an hour.I feel like it did.

I feel like
that could've been
its own special.

It's hard not to go
from the dueling Iversons...

right into dueling
Stephen A. Smiths.

That's just
one step away.

They're right next to each other
on the cul-de-sac of crazy.

I love Stephen A. Smith.
We both love him.
If you don't know who he is,

he's a very bombastic
ESPN sports pundit.

He's on all those arguing shows.

Here's why we love
Stephen A. Smith.

Stephen A. Smith always
runs out of breath with
eight things left to say.

Instead of,
like a normal person,
breathing,

he just powers through
that shit to the end
of the sentence.

Every time.
He knows a lot of athletes.

He's gonna tell you how
he was talking to those athletes
the night before.

But our favorite thing--
This is so small,
but our favorite thing is...

sometimes he'll drop
what technology he was using.

To us, it's hilarious.Brilliant.

I heard him say,
"Last night I was Skyping
with Kobe Bryant...

and we all sat down,
we started talking
about the Lakers--

[ Inaudible ]
"...talking about?"

What?

I don't know what
you're talking about.I have no idea.

I lost three words
of your sentence.So did I.

Did your mike drop out?
What's going on?

"Then I shut that computer.
I opened up another computer.

I got Marc Gasol and Pau Gasol
and Steve Nash together
on a GoToMeeting.

We all started
talking about the Lakers,
I'm like, 'Come on, man'"--

[ Inaudible ]

When did First Take
become a Chaplin movie?
I had no idea.

"Then I took out a Ouija board.
I got in touch with
Wilt Chamberlain.

I'm like,
'Come on, man. You dead.
How bad are the Lakers'"--

[ Inaudible ]
"Come on, Skip!"

"Then I got a tomato can,
I connected a string
to another tomato can.

At the other end
of the tomato can
was Kiki Vanderweghe.

I said,
'Man, from a G.M. perspective,
how bad are the Lakers'"--

[ Inaudible ]

Same joke five times.
Uh, we literally can't stop.

Can't do it.

Don't feel bad for
Stephen A. Smith though.
He is a millionaire.

He was born at the right time in
a very Malcolm Gladwellian way.That's right.

If he was born 40 years earlier,
he wouldn't be a millionaire.

No, he'd be a crazy guy
on a street corner yelling
about the civil rights movement.

In the exact same way."Last night I was
on a rotary phone.

I was talking to Abby Hoffman
about the Chicago Seven.

'You got three people doing
the work of seven people.
It's like the Lakers in 2012'--

[ Inaudible ]
What are we talking
about, Skip?"

"Then I sat down on the bus
next to Rosa Parks.

I looked her
dead in the eye. I said,
'We talking about buses.

What's gonna happen in 50 years
when Dr. Jerry Buss dies?

Who gonna make decisions
for the Lakers'"--
[ Inaudible ]

How crazy would it be
if on that day when
Rosa Parks was on the bus,

Stephen A. Smith
sat down next to her
and started arguing with her?

- She would have been,
"Know what? I'm gonna walk."
- Honestly, fuck it.

What's so great
about the bus?
Really, guys.

Pick your battles.
That's the lesson
we learned today.

I love sports. We love athletes
because of the stories
behind the athletes.

They're so good.
Actually, none better
than Lance Armstrong.

That's like
a Greek tragedy.

It's Dickensian.
It's crazy.

So he wins seven
Tour de Frances.Top of the world.

Beats cancer.Dates the hot
Olsen twin.

There's a difference.There is a bit of
a difference between them.

Then he admits to doping,
and they strip him
of the titles.

They're gonna give him back
the cancer for two months.
I don't understand that.

That just seems a little bit--Why is the biking community
so punitive?

They're vindictive.

They're gonna make him date
the ugly Olsen twin.Which is worse than cancer.

How do you have sex
with a skeleton?Very carefully, very delicately.

You become a power bottom
and then you just live with it.
That's your only--

She's taking away
sexual options.That's it.

I felt bad for the guy
until he tweeted
that picture of himself...

just hanging out
in his Austin rec room...

with the seven yellow
Tour de France winning jerseys.

They just happened
to be framed up
perfectly in the photo.

Here was the caption of
the photo: "Back in Austin.
Just hangin' out."

Just hanging out?

We saw that photo and caption,
we were like, "Jesus Christ,
the ball on this guy."

I mean, seriously.

We started with
"the ball on this guy"
and wrote the joke backwards.

We should
admit that to you guys.Never a good way to do comedy.

No, no.

It's like building a house
from the roof down. You just
don't wanna do it too much.

No, not a good
foundation right there.

Funny. I was looking through
one of my wife's Us Weeklys
on the plane out here.

I can't believe the Kardashians
are still center spreads
in that magazine.

Are we done
with those guys yet?We should be finished.

I can't get over the fact
that Kim Kardashian
sued Old Navy...

because there was
a woman in the commercial
that kind of looked like her.

Does she not understand
what Old Navy does?

They knock off cheap shit.Of course.

Of course.Hoping to get someone
who looks like you.

I love Old Navy.
By the way,
in Southern California,

just below Los Angeles,
you go down the 5 Freeway,

there is actually
an Old Navy outlet store.

Let me repeat that
for everyone who didn't
laugh out loud at that concept.

Old Navy outlet store.

Old Navy
is already an outlet
for another store.

It has to be.

The fact that Old Navy
now has an outlet...

means that millions of people
were walking into Old Navy
and were outraged by the prices.

Who is outraged
by Old Navy's prices?

Who walks into Old Navy--
$2.00 for 80 pairs of socks?
I don't fuckin' think so.

No. We're not made of money.

We're not
Warren Buffet, okay?Okay?

You better bring
those prices down
or I've got tents in the car.

I will occupy Old Navy.We'll occupy Old Navy.

We're part of
the 99% off, bitch.He said it.

I said it
next to the cargo pants.
I'm not afraid.

He ain't afraid

I love the Occupy movement.
With a little distance now--

We're kind of understanding
where it went right and wrong.

It's kind of crazy.
We're all for railing
against the government.

We're all for railing
against corporate greed.
That's great.

But it feels like that
whole Occupy movement...

should have happened
over a three-day weekend.

Just Presidents' Day,
wrap it up, then go
get a mattress.

That's all you need.

Instead, it was like
a one-night stand that turned
into a two-year relationship.

We've all been there, right?
'Cause at six months in both
propositions, you're like,

"I know we're not trying to put
labels on this, but what
the fuck are we doing?"

Honestly, I don't know.

Why is my toothbrush
in both places?I have no idea.

The problem with the Occupy
movement is that they painted
themselves into a corner.

That's right.
Because they railed
against society...

but then they hung around
long enough that they kind of
became little societies.

So they needed
all the things that
normal societies need...

but they were too proud
to admit that they
needed those things.

So if you walked through
a tent society towards the end,
like we did up in Portland,

you would hear conversations
like this happening.

We need to get people
to walk around and make sure
people aren't doing bad stuff.

You mean like cops?
No, no.No, no.

They're not cops.No cops.

No cops.Chill out, dude.
We didn't say cops.

Nobody said the word "cops."Calm him down.

Nobody said the word "cops."No cops.

We just need to figure out
a way to police these people.Thank you for saying that.

I'm glad you had
the guts to say that.

All right. So Jeff's got
the organic burritos.
And Tina's got the herbal tea.

They wanna trade.
What happens if Jeff
doesn't have enough burritos?

Can he write
on a piece of paper that
he's gonna give her a burrito?

Like money?
No, no.No, no money.

We're not printing
our own money.

We're not printing money.This isn't
a capitalistic society.

Everybody relax.Just chill out.

What will we do
with those scraps of paper?

Put 'em in a centralized place
where people can put 'em in
and take 'em out.

You mean like a bank?
No, no!No, no!

No banks, no.Everybody stop talking at once.

Dave, you talk and represent
the views of people over there.

Like a government?
No!No!

[ Whoops ]
Painted themselves
in a corner.

I think the weirdest part
about the Kardashians--
Why did I go back?

It's like a tractor beam.It's like Galaga,
and we're going up in 'em.

Uh, it's that Bruce Jenner
was part of that family
for many, many years.

Bruce Jenner.
Honestly, we grew up
in the '70s.

We remember when
Bruce Jenner was a man.Yes.

Pre-laryngeal shave.That's right.

Seriously, we're doing
the Olympics right now.

If back in 1977, after
he won the gold medal--

If one person approached another
person in the United States
and was like, "What's a man?"

Let me get a Wheaties box
and show you a picture of a man
throwing a javelin at your nuts.

That's Bruce Jenner,
the definition of a man
in the 1970s.

But if someone had
a crystal ball and was like--
See that man right there?

In about 35 years, that man
is gonna be pushed around
by a bunch of women...

who are only famous
because one of them
got plowed by Ray J.

That's the only reason.The only reason
they're famous.

He banged the fame into her.It spread
to the uglier sisters.

To the bigger ones.

Then it went
to our basketball stars
and our rap artists.

And now it's
America's problem.It is.

The Kardashians
are like America's herpes,
when you think about it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We have to lie to Europe
about having them and hope
that they don't get them.

That's right.
If Kim and Kanye go to Paris,

we're like--
Are you guys feeling a burning
sensation down in Nice?

I'm so sorry.
It's not us.It was not us.

By the way,
if in 1977, someone had
that crystal ball and said--

In 35 years, Bruce Jenner
is gonna look like every single
one of your mom's friends.

Holy face work.Oh, my God.

I was watching The Kardashians
a year ago and I was like--

What is our Aunt Linda
doing on The Kardashians?

Oh, my God.No, that's not
our Aunt Linda.

That's either Bruce Jenner
or a Shetland Pat Summitt.

It does look like
a smaller version of
the winningest coach--

In women's NCAA history.

She looks great,
but what is she doing
on this show?

She's out of the pantsuit
and into a sweat suit.That is just-- I don't get it.

Why is Bruce Jenner
holding a Chico's catalog?He's shopping at Chico's, guys.

Our mom shops at Chico's.Everyone's mom
shops at Chico's.

You do not have a choice
once you hit menopause.

The doctor doesn't even tell you
anymore. He just walks in and
hands you a Chico's catalog.

Here you go.Here you go.

You've now entered
this part of menopause.
The Chico's phase.

It's all gonna be
chunky ethnic jewelry
and scarves from here on out.

We're just gonna be
taking the attention
away from your hips...

and bringing it
up to your neck.That's it, guys.

Till you're in the ground.
That's all we're doing.A lot of stuff on the top.

Here's what I love about
Chico's. They are unabashed
about their marketing.

They know who their audience is.We one time saw this flyer
in our mom's mailbox.

"Hey, ladies. Hot flashes.
Check out this cool sale
at Chico's."

"Hey, gals.
Done with your period?

How about the best
prices, period."

[ Both Shouting ]
Chico's!

Don't let
the good deals dry up.Chico's!

Damn you, Chico's.

Some of you might not
know what Chico's is,

but I'd say Google it.Yeah.

But be careful. I feel like
Google has gotten so aggro
with its auto-fill recently.

Oh, it's so aggressive.You're thinking
of something...

and then Google gives you
seven inappropriate choices.Before you even--

Google has now become
that weird guy at a party...

who whenever you stop
talking for a second,

he fills your sentence
with something that
makes you uncomfortable.

You just feel terrible.

After the party, the wife and I
are heading downtown
and picking up some Chinese.

So you want pictures of
Asian teens? Let me throw some
of those up on the desktop.

I do not want those.
No, take them down.
Fine, I will take them down.

You're just minimizing them.
You're not getting rid of them.Great.

Now I gotta clear my history.That's right.

This is true.
If you type in the phrase:
"Woman who had face"--

That's a pretty
generic phrase.

I think most women
have faces.

Google will
complete that sentence
with "ripped off by chimp."

That's insane.That's number one.
Number one.

That's disgusting.
Shame on all of you.Shame on you, Google.

Now, to be honest, that is
what we were searching for.Oh, yeah.

I wanted to see how
messed up her face was.Is it just a flap of skin?

How does she read her Kindle?
I have a million questions.Great question.

So we went down
that rabbit hole for a while.

We tried a little experiment.
Took one word out
of that phrase.

Just type in the phrase:
"Woman who had"--Even more general.

"Woman who had" into Google.
Google completes that sentence
with "acid thrown in her face."

What?What?

Why is Google so obsessed
with the disfigurement
of the female face?

I don't know. Now Google's
a weird, lurky, serial killer...

that we all have to
talk down from the ledge.

Google, bro.
Come on, hoss.Dude, bro.

Chief, man.Come on, buddy.
You cannot do this.

Just like you can't
tuck your penis in and
make a mangina anymore.

Just stop dancing around
with the night vision.

That's
serial killer behavior.

Don't trick fat women
into moving furniture
into your white rapey van.

You cannot do that.Stop.

Even if you're moving,
you can't do that.

Now we have not tried this,
but if you just type the word
"woman" into Google,

I bet it would
complete that with--

Put the fucking lotion
in the basket.That's terrible.

In that voice.
So scary.

We have to be careful
with Google because
we have kids now.

No, not together.
That would be weird.That would be weird.

Who's the dad?

Although Who's the Dad?
would be a fantastic
television show.

Who's the Dad?actually
already is a TV show.

It's called The Maury Povich Show.Folks, there you go.

I love that black people on Maury Povich
call him "Murray"
and he does not correct them.

Just lets that shit happen.

Lets that happen.He doesn't care.

That just shows you how
beat up inside he is.

He just doesn't
wanna hear Connie Chung
yap, yap, yapping in his ear.

That woman has
wore his ass down.That's right.

That man needs
a good Chung break.That's right.

♪ That was a good Chung break ♪ Where it's at

Anyway--

We have kids.

It's amazing
that Jason is standing
in front of you right now.

I have a two-month-old baby
right now.

[ Cheering ]She's wonderful.

He could be asleep standing up
like a horse right now.

Oh, yeah.
I can sleep
standing up now.

What's amazing though
is with our first child,
with our son,

we actually didn't
find out the gender
before he was born.

Such a nice surprise.Which was
a really great surprise.

This time we did find out
the gender, but we didn't
find out the race.

I think that's great.We wanted a surprise.

We were both hoping Chinese.
I'm gonna be honest with you.So cute.

They're so adorable.

They're like
little pandas.Oh, yes, they are.

If they come early,
little Panda Expresses.Bingo.

I love that.
I just love it.

Because we live
in Southern California,
it's easy to get there--

We drive our kids down
to Disneyland all the time.

And Disneyland has changed
a little bit since we were kids
in subtle ways.

Mostly with
the Disney characters
that wander around the park.

When we were kids, number one:
They couldn't talk to you.

That was creepy. Ten minutes
interacting with a giant furry
thing that's not talking to you.

Right. And number two:
Back when we were kids,

they were hard
to find in the park.

And when you found them,
you weren't always happy.

When we were six years old,
we were at Disneyland and we
were looking for Goofy all day.

Is that G--
Is that G--

Hey, that's Goofy right--
Oh, crap. He's smoking.

He's on break.All right.
Goofy's on break.

Wait a minute.
Is he being subpoenaed now?He's getting served papers.

Are they running his plates?
That's a bench warrant.That is a bench warrant.

We're six years old.
How the hell do we know
what a bench warrant is?

I don't know.
We're so up
on the legal system.

But now, the characters
are all over the park.

They have little stanchions,
little lines.

You can walk up,
take your picture,
buy it off the Internet.

And they have the cars
from the movie Cars
driving around the park...

with prerecorded messages
in them so you can have
a conversation with the cars.

This blew his
five-year-old son's mind.

My son loved
the movie Carsso much,

he made me watch
the shitty movie
Planestwice.

That's a kid
who loves transportation
that can talk.

That's how much
he loved Cars.

So when we see
Lightning McQueen
pull out...

and there's no line,
it was magic for us.

I scoop up my son.
We go over to the car.

And before we can say anything,
the car's like--Who's my little racer?

My son turns and
looks at me and he's like,
"What the fuck is going on?"

With a look.
And I was like,
"You gotta talk to the car."

Who's my little racer?And my son's like, "Leo."

Awesome!
How old are you?I'm four.

Ka-chow!
What's goin' on?I'm at Disneyland.

Awesome!Greatest conversation
I've ever heard in my life.

Maybe the longest conversation
anyone's ever had with his son.Definitely the longest.

It was a great father-son
moment. I high-fived my son.
He high-fived me.

We high-fived the car
for some reason.Why?

And then I don't know why
I did the next thing I did.

I scooped up my son,
I turned and looked to see
who was next in line.

That's just something
you don't wanna
open up right there.

It got really sad
really quick.

Because I saw
a middle-aged woman,
no kids.

She wanted
to talk to the car
for a little while.

A little conversation
with a car right here.Get some things off her chest.

Here's the double standard.
If you're a middle-aged woman
with no kids at Disneyland,

no one bothers you.You can roam freely
wherever you want in the park.

If you're a middle-aged man
with no kids at Disneyland,

you are a red dot
on a Google map.That's right.

Get ready to get tased
into oblivion in front of
It's a Small World.

That's right.
It is a small world
now, brother.

[ Imitating Taser ]

So in this moment, I see this
woman approaching the car,

and the dad in me
should've scooped up my son
and just walked away.

But the comedian in me
was like, "Let's see how
this shit plays out."

'Cause it's
gonna be hilarious.

'Cause it's the same prerecorded
messages, but it's gonna be
a very different conversation.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And so I hang on to my son.
This woman walks up to the car.

She's lethargic too. I'm like,
"Put some pep in that step.
You volunteered to be here."

She approaches the car
and the car's like--Who's my little racer?

And she's like, "Barbara."

Awesome!
How old are you?I'm 49.

Ka-chow!
What's goin' on?

Well, I stopped
cooking for myself.

Just got too sad to keep
clearing the leftovers
out of the fridge...

three days after
I make something,
because...

cookbooks don't make
portions for one person.

I found that out
the hard way.

Awesome!

What else is goin' on?

Well, if we're being honest,
it's been about three years
since I've had a vaginal orgasm.

Ka-chow!

You know that even though
they were prerecorded messages--

I could feel the car
wanting to extract itself
from the conversation.

I gotta go fuel up
back at the garage.

But you just came
from the garage.Next time, bring your niece.

Beep-beep!

[ Cheering ]

All right, guys.
That's a heck of a lot of comedy
to talk about right there.

A lot to digest
as we've hit halftime of
this haimishecomedy festival...

that the Sklars are putting out
there in Madison, Wisconsin.

How do you see
this one ending up,
with Randy or Jason on top?

They're a great team.
But in every team there's
always a Jordan and a Pippen.

I think Randy's gonna come out
and lead the second half.

I watched them doing warm-ups.
He had a little IcyHot Patch
on the back.

I think he's feeling
a little bit more loose.
He's gonna finish strong.

- Dwight, your thoughts.
- I think Randy takes hold.
He takes charge.

But I think Jason
is the finisher.

Now we're talking about
the third and fourth quarter.

- Omar, your thoughts?
- One thing that they
are doing for me...

is proving something
that I've always
thought was true,

that all white folks
look alike.

So it really doesn't matter
who comes out on top.

- It's either Jason or Randy.
- Well, these white folks
look alike literally.

- Right.
- So they've got that
going for them.

And I just want
to give my opinion here.

It is Madison, Wisconsin.
I went to a Big Ten school.

These folks are probably
more hammered now than they were
in the beginning of the show.

It's gonna be a looser crowd.
I just wanna make sure
the Sklars...

don't take that for granted.

- No.
- And that they just
focus and finish here.

Because you could
take a look at that crowd.
It's looser.

They might sit here
and think it's an easy
second half of comedy.

But you know, that's where
you can really get tripped up.

Absolutely.
And that's why
Jason's so important.

He's the finisher.
He's gonna close it.Okay.

Now let's get back
to the second half...

of this comedy special
from the Sklars
in Madison, Wisconsin.

We often talk about this
with friends of ours
who are parents of kids.

One thing that you kind of
try and do as parents...

is teach your kids if something
doesn't make sense, question it.

Which is very hard to do
with little kids,

'cause as a parent,
you're tired all the time.He's tired.

You're just like,
"Ah, just go to bed.

Honestly, let's everybody
just be quiet for a while."

But you actually
should stand up,

and if something
doesn't make sense,

you need to teach your kids
to ask questions about it.

You teach them that lesson
early on.

It starts with
the nursery rhymes.

Like "Five little monkeys
jumping on the bed."It's the worst.

One fell off
and bumped his head.

Mama called the doctor
and the doctor said--

No more monkeys
jumping on the bed.We all know it.

Everyone likes it.And it almost makes sense.

Until you think about that story
from the perspective
of the doctor.

The doctor who keeps getting
this crazy-ass phone call--Oh, yeah.

from clearly
a mentally ill woman--She's deranged.

who's somehow allowed
to own a lot of monkeys.

They are not permitted primates.
Those are black market
Japanese macaques...

bought at a Burlington
Coat Factory parking lot
at 1:00 a.m.--

You know that--
out of a brown paper bag.Yeah.

This poor doctor has to field
that phone call all day long.

We have never heard his half
of the phone conversation.

Five little monkeys jumping
on the bed. One fell off
and bumped his head.

Mama called the doctor
and the doctor said--

Uh, it's the weekend.

I am kind of hanging out
with my family right now.

And that's not really
a medical question, just...

you reporting to me
that animals are
jumping on your furniture.

Honestly,
I don't know what to do.

I guess, as a person
with common sense,
I would say,

don't have the monkeys--
No more monkeys
jumping on the bed.

Look at that.

Look what we just
came up with there, huh?

Hey, tell you what.
Go ahead and apply that
to all the monkeys.

No need to call me as each one
careens off of your bed
into your nightstand.

Oh, look. I think I see
my daughter growing up.

I should probably get off
the phone with you.

Four little monkeys jumping
on the bed. One fell off
and bumped his head.

Mama called the doctor
and the doctor said--

Are you fucking shitting me
with that stupid question?

Do the thing I told you
to do five minutes ago.

Have a zero monkey jumping
on the bed tolerance policy
in your house...

and you'll be okay.

Three little monkeys jumping
on the bed. One fell off
and bumped his head.

Mama called the doctor
and the doctor said--I have a weird idea.

How about you call
a veterinarian because
they're fucking monkeys, okay?

I'm your son's optometrist.

I'm barely a doctor myself.

Two little monkeys jumping
on the bed. One fell off
and bumped his head.

Mama called the doctor
and the doctor said--

I'm gonna write you
a prescription for Paxil,
because...

I don't know if there are
any monkeys at this point.

To be honest,
I don't even know
if there's a bed.

You seem like someone who just
sleeps on a rag on the floor.

Here's what I do know.
I'm at my niece's quinceañera,
and I'm still talking to you.

One little monkey jumping
on the bed. He fell off
and bumped his head.

Mama called the doctor
and the doctor said--

Honestly, I hope they all
fucking jump off the bed.

I hope they all
bump their heads.

I hope one goes crazy,
rips your face off
and I Google it.

That's how much--

[ Cheering ]

Slam down that iPhone 5.

And its crappy charger.

That is a horrible charger,
that iPhone 5 charger.

The only Charger worse than
the iPhone 5 charger
is Phillip Rivers.

There you go.I said it.

[ Crowd Booing ]Not afraid to say it
in Wisconsin.

Yeah, come get me.

Don't kid yourself.
He'll ruin every
fantasy team he's on.

Seventeen points
and a little chicken wing
bullshit throw doesn't cut it.

Doesn't cut it.

So you're saying
he should put on some Shape-ups
like Joe Montana...

and throw the football
out of the stadium.

That's all I'm saying.

How crazy was that commercial?

Joe Montana
puts on Shape-ups
to go play football.

That's your first indication
that the person
who made the commercial...

does not
understand football.

Why would you want
to put on curved bottom shoes
to play a contact sport?

All right. That's weird.
Then he takes the football,
drops back to pass,

throws it
out of the stadium.

Out of the stadium.
Throwing a football
out of the stadium...

under no circumstances
is a good football play.

How do they
draw that up in the huddle?

Listen. You're gonna run
about 70 yards this way.

You're gonna pick the defender,
do a skinny post
down the side.

What are you gonna do, Joe?I'm gonna throw the ball
into the San Francisco Bay.

Let's do this.

Blue 42!Why are you
making the call?

I don't know.
I'm the wide receiver
who oversteps his bounds.

All right. Good.Let's do this.

That is second and 10
at best, if you ask me.Really.

That's the best case
scenario.

If you can find
the damn ball, maybe.

I wonder if our kids understand
what we're doing up here.
I often wonder that.

'Cause they're now coming
to the age when they can
understand it.

I was trying to explain
to my eight-year-old,
and Jay was there.

We were explaining it.
I was like, "Listen.

You're gonna go to bed tonight,
and Uncle Jason and I,
we're gonna go out...

and we're gonna go
to a weird building.

We're gonna say
a bunch of silly things,

and occasionally
people will laugh at us."

And she stared him
right in the eyes
and was like,

"You work for Congress?"She's smart, guys.
She's smart.

She's smart.Yeah.

- Well--
- [ Applause ]

We had to
set her straight.

We're like,
"No. We get shit done."That's right.

We don't shut down.Well, we might
shut down emotionally.

Sometimes
we shut down emotionally.

So I don't know
if she got it.

Then a few weeks later,
she couldn't fall asleep.

So she came in my room
and tapped me on the shoulder.

She's like, "Daddy."
Pulled me in her room.

She was like,
"Will you help me fall asleep
by writing some jokes with me?"

I was like, "Oh, my God.
This is a reverse
'Cat's in the Cradle'...

where good shit happens.That's right.

We're building something
for the future."

And it was wonderful,
until we started to write
the jokes together.

I don't know if you've written
a joke with an eight-year-old
recently, but--

Lot of restrictions
on those jokes, people.Lot of restrictions.

You can't be that dirty.You can't be that edgy.

You can't be that funny.

It's basically like
writing for Jay Leno.
Let me break it down.

Is that too soon?Too soon?

Is he out yet?
Is he back yet again?

Here's the problem.
I get mad at Randy...

when he writes these jokes
with his daughter...

because as comedians,

we only have so much
joke writing juice
in the tank every day,

and he's wasting it
on these jokes that we
cannot do in our act.

So I'm like, you know what?
Let's do 'em in the act.

We'll lift the curtain
up on the wizard for all of you,
right here, right now.

I will do a joke
that I wrote with
my eight-year-old daughter.

And I guess--[ Audience Cheering,
Applauding ]

Thank you.Worth applause.

And will try and doctor it up
and make it appropriate
for a stand-up comedy stage.

All right? You will literally
see how the sausage gets made.
Here we go.

Joke I wrote
with my daughter.

Why was the bagel
standing outside
of his house, crying?

Why wasthe bagel
standing outside
of his house, crying?

Because someone
had changed all his lox.

[ Audience Groaning ]

Good for Leno.
There you go.

It's a 10:33 zinger
right there, okay.

All right.
Can I change it?Change it.

Okay. Why was the bagel
standing outside
of his house, crying?

Why wasthe bagel
standing outside
of his house, crying?

Because he is a Jew.

How do we know
the bagel's Jewish?He's empty inside.

He has a hole
at the center of his soul.

Filled with nothing
but sadness and cream cheese,
which--

A schmear of both.That's right.

How about this joke
I wrote with my daughter?

What do you call a quilt
that no one will sleep on?

What doyou call a quilt
that no one will sleep on?

A quon't.
That shit kills at preschool.

It does. I have seen it.Milk out the nose
every time.

All right.
Can I change this one?Change it.

What do you call a quilt
that's been slept on
20,000 times?

What?Quilt Chamberlain.

Boom.There you go.

It's a sports joke, guys,
and a really crusty quilt.

That quilt could post up
Bill Russell.

That quilt--

Quilt could play all day
at the Rucker
is what I'm saying.

How about this last one?
It's a two-parter.

How does a knife
greet another knife?

How doesa knife
greet another knife?"Knife to see you."

How does a spoon
say good-bye to another spoon?

How doesa spoon say
good-bye to another spoon?"See you real spoon."

Silverware jokes!

Okay. What did the fork
say to the other fork...

when he cut him off
in traffic?What?

Fuck you, bitch.
You want a piece of me?

I'll fuck you up, man.
You see that?
That's a neck tattoo.

See that?
That's a teardrop tattoo.

That means I murdered
a spork in prison, okay?

Yeah. You forked
with the wrong fork,
bitch.

[ Applause, Cheering ]

I hate to say it. My daughter's
gonna love that joke.She's gonna love that joke.

She loves wordplay.She really does.

Andsilverware jokes.

Oh, man. I just hope the world
is around for them
when they get older.

'Cause we were recently
in the Atlanta airport,

and we saw something
that to us signaled
the beginning of the end.

Of civilization.Of civilization, okay?

We saw a woman--
Let's start by saying
she was not morbidly obese.

She had not yet crossed
the Federline,
as we like to call it.

She was on a cell phone,
so she had enough energy
to do this motion.

To hold something
to her ear.

She was on
a down-going escalator
that was working.

And she was
sitting down.

Sitting down!Sitting down.

Really, America?
That's what it's come to?

Moving stairs is no longer
a big enough shortcut
for us?

We now have to take
a Snickers break
on stair two...

of an eight second ride?

I just imagine that woman
walks to every elevator
and lays down.

She just lays down.

Wake my ass when I get
to floor three.Okay?

I can't even snap
at four corners
when I say something witty.

I gots to snap it,
then I gots to nap it.Mm-hmm!

Mama's tired!

Which would have been
a perfect one
to go four corners.

Worst part about this woman
is that it was nowhere
near Christmas...

and she was wearing
a Santa's hat.[ Groans ]

That says a lot
about a person right there.
I mean--

We can barely
tolerate it
around Christmastime.

If it's nowhere near Christmas,
you're telling us that
you do a lot of day drinking.

That's right.
You've slept in your car
for a couple weeks on end.

Everyone else
is the asshole around you.

That's what you're saying
with that thing.

If you get pulled over
by the police...

and you're wearing a Santa's hat
nowhere near Christmas,

they don't even
give you a Breathalyzer.

They're like,
"You just blew a point two
right there."

That's what you did
with that thing.

Because there are things you
can't do wearing a Santa's hat
nowhere near Christmas.

You can't perform surgery.No, you cannot.

Plastic surgery.You can't even do that.

You can't identify a body.You can't say,
"That's my husband."

'Cause someone's gonna
look at you and be like,

"It's May. You're wearing
a Santa's hat.
You are probably single."

"You're not
marriage material.

I don't believe
you have a husband."

You can't go to
your kid's custody hearing
wearing a Santa's hat.

You can go, but you're
not getting those kids.Not getting those kids.

And we're not hating
on the Santa's hat
'cause we're Jews.

No. Although we did--
We grew up in Saint Louis.

Our parents--
We had to protect
our Judaism.

Our parents
from an early age taught us
to hate Christmas.

Vehemently hate Christmas.

On Christmas, we went to
five Chinese food restaurants.

We're like,
"Yeah. 'Cause we can."Yeah.

Two movies.That's right.

There's a lighting store
over in Grafton, Missouri.
We're going to that too.

It's owned by Arabs.
Who cares?We're going to it.

'Cause we can.

Our parents taught us
to hate Christmas,

and only now, as adults,
do we realize why.

They were protecting us
from Christmas,

because Christmas...
is fucking awesome.

It's ridiculous.
It is the greatest holiday.

It's your birthday
meets Thanksgiving
meets eggnog.

Christmas is
the Christmas of holidays.

That's it.
Let's be honest with it.

So the floodgates open
now that I have kids
and a family.

I got a Christmas tree
in my house.

My kids kind of grow up--
They accept everything.

But as an adult,
to come to Christmas,
to come to it late--

Some things
don't make sense.

I was playing my kids
the other day...

Bruce Springsteen's
"Santa Claus
Is Coming to Town."

By the way,
great song.

He took a Christmas song
and turned it
into a Bruce Springsteen song.

You listen to that song,
and you're like,

"Was Santa only going
up and down
the Jersey Turnpike?"

Maybe. Handing out gifts
to burnt-out husks
of Chevrolets.

I don't know!

There's a 15-minute sax solo
in that song.

In no other Christmas song
is there a sax solo.

But here's the thing.
You start listening
to the words...

of "Santa Claus
Is Coming to Town"--

I was terrified.It's one of the most horrifying
songs in the world.

It starts out with a threat--

[ Together ]
"You better watch out."

Who says that?
People in a prison yard...

who've been fashioning
a knife out of a bar of soap.That's right.

You better watch out.You better watch out.

I've been crushing up
so much glass
to put in your mashed potatoes.

[ Together ]
You better watch out.

I got a pillowcase
full of cans of Pepsi.

I wanted it to be Coke,
but all they had was Pepsi.

It's a prison.It's a prison,
damn it.

I'm gonna smack you
in the face.

[ Together ]
You better watch out.

Then they follow that up
with "You better not cry."

That's a good thing
to tell a kid.Yeah.

Hold all your emotions in
and have it come out as cancer
when you're 48.

Great idea, guys.You better not cry.

"Better not pout" is just
another way of saying
"Shut the hell up."

Mommy needs quiet time.Because Santa Claus
is coming to town.

This third-party
parenting structure...

is coming to town.

He's gonna take care
of something.Here's where it gets creepy.

"He sees you
when you're sleeping."

Sees you
when you're sleeping.

Have you ever been in
a relationship
where you've woken up...

and your partner
is just staring at you
while you're sleeping?

That's a restraining order
waiting to happen,

and you've been
inside that person.All right?

Now have
a 72-year-old guy do it
to your five-year-old son.

It's not so fun anymore.Not so funny
at that point.

"He knows
when you're awake."That's even creepier.

Knows when
you're awake.

That's some N.S.A., Wikileaks,
surveillance stuff.

He's going through e-mails.

He's getting Google Alerts
when you're awake.

It's just crazy.It's so uncomfortable.

You're like,
"Who is this freak?
Who is Santa Claus?"

Well, he's been
fat forever.Right? Never lost the weight,

even though his job
is to go down a chimney.That's all his job.

So you have body dysmorphia.
That's what that tells me.Type 2 diabetes.

Still gonna eat every cookie
in every house he goes to.That's fantastic.

He must respect his wife.
Wait, she doesn't have
a first name. She's Mrs. Claus.

He's a misogynist.
There you go.
How about that?

Body dysmorphia, misogynist
and he hates animals.

Lose some weight.
Take that weight off the sleigh.

Here's the worst part.
"Then one foggy
Christmas Eve"--

It's foggy.Santa Claus is like,
"Let's take it up."

Let's take it up anyway.
I don't care.

Hey, man.
It's really foggy.Nope. We're taking it up.

I don't think you should--I don't care.

That's how Buddy Holly died.That is how Buddy Holly died.

And the worst part
about the whole thing...

is that he does it
in a Santa's hat.

That's maybe the worst part
of the whole thing.

Artists.I don't trust the guy.

[ Whispers, Indistinct ]

Keep thinking I'm gonna see
another person in a Santa's hat
at the airport.

We almost didn't even notice
that woman in Atlanta.

'Cause when we
go to the airport,

all we want to do
is just get through security.

That's it.One-track mind. Just get me
through to the other side.

And it makes you
a douchebag on this side.

But you don't care.
You'll justify it by saying--

I'll be a better person
on the other side.I'll be so much better.

I'll have so much more time.
Maybe I'll teach English
as a second language...

next to Relax the Back.

I'll do that.Maybe I'll build a hospital
inside of a school...

inside of Tim Tebow's
unborn fetus.I'll do that.

I don't care.
I'll do it over there.

I'll be a better person
on the other side.

And what it does
is it desensitizes you...

to anything that's happening
on this side of security.

Here's a story
to illustrate it.
We were at the Vegas airport.

It was 5:30 in the morning.
We were behind a Chinese couple.

We don't know
if they were Chinese.Could've just been really tired.

It's 5:30
in the morning.We were tired.

Describe the guy.The guy was not
Aspergersy at all.

Nope.
Totally reading social cues,
making eye contact.

Mid-40s, cashmere sweater.

Took his computer
out of the bag.
Knew to do that.

Maybe he designed that computer.That was the narrative
we came up with.

The woman that's with him
wasn't his wife,

wasn't his sister,
wasn't his daughter,
yet she was in love with him.

Let's call her his concubine.I don't know what
the official title is.

She pulls a move
on the other side of the line,

when they're collecting
their stuff,

that we have not seen
in our collective 85 years
on this planet.

And for the first time
in over a decade, we were
taken out of this need...

just to get ourselves
through security--
We were blown away.

This grown woman took the shoe
of a clear-thinking able-bodied
45-year-old man,

put the shoe on his foot
and started tying his shoe
for him.

We are literally
three feet from them,

and loud enough for the entire
airport to hear,
we were like--

[ Together ]
What the fuck is going on
right here?

That is sexist.Even though you're both Chinese,
that's kind of racist.

It is kind of racist.It's a little racist.

It's really racist right now.

Then this is how desensitized
we've become,

and this may be
why the terrorists have won.

She started to fumble
with the second shoe a bit.

There was a knot
she couldn't get out.

She couldn't
figure out the shoe.

All of a sudden,
the trays through security...

start to clink up
against each other.

We can feel the heat
from everybody else.We feel they're blaming us.

Now this thing-- that was
the most amazing thing...

we've ever seen in our lives
a few minutes earlier--

Now we're just pissed
that she's not better at it.

That's right.
We start to get on her.

Do the shoe thing.You gotta do the shoe thing.

You have one job on this earth,
and that's to do his shoes!Tie his shoe!

My God. Where's his belt?Where is his belt?
That's a great question.

If I owned you,
the belt would be on.

The computer
would be in the bag.Do you not understand...

we've got a Hudson News
to wander aimlessly around in
for 30 minutes?

How do you
not get that?

I've got an US Weekly
to pick up, leaf through
and not buy.

[ Together ]
How do you not get that?

[ Applause, Cheering ]

See, when we travel,
if we have to pay for ourselves
to go anywhere,

we're always like,
"What's the cheapest way
we can fly?"

I'm like,
"Can I sit on his lap?"
I would do that.

But if someone's gonna pay
for us to go somewhere
for a job,

it's suddenly like we've never
flown coach in our entire life.

Suddenly we're upstairs
at Downton Abbey. We start--[ Both Scoffing ]

We can't go downstairs.

We can't even go with Bates
in the side cottage.

So we got flown
first-class, for a job,
down to New Orleans.

This is a story
we're gonna tell you about
how we met Richard Simmons.

[ Applause, Cheering ]Yeah.

And he sexually harassed
Randy.

Good times.It's a magical story.

It's basically
the story of America.It is.

Uh-- Since the
Industrial Revolution.

So we get flown
to New Orleans,

and we get to go into
the first-class lounge.

Another place
we don't normally go.

We were very naive.
We thought everyone in
the first-class lounge...

would be celebrating
the fact they were
in the first-class lounge.

Party!I don't know what we thought
it was gonna be.

The Gathering
of the Juggalos
or something like that.

People throwing poo
at Tila Tequila.

Spraying each other
with orange Faygo soda.

[ Imitating Cheering ]Family!

No. It was not that.Turns out
the first-class lounge...

is one of the saddest,
quietest places on earth.Oh, my God.

It was just a room filled
with a bunch of sad, old,
rich, bald, white dudes.

It was like Fox News the night
Obama won the second time.It was.

It was quiet.

You could literally hear
Brit Hume's eyes
drooping even further.

People were getting fired
from their cubicle.
It was weird.

We're like,
"I guess we gotta be quiet."
We're typing and we're quiet.

All of a sudden, in blows
what can only be described
as a gay tornado.

A gaynado?A torgaydo?

A sharkgaydo?Sharks with--

It was amazing.

[ Both Talking Excitedly ]

It sounded like eight people,
okay?

I turn around.
It's not eight people. Oh, no.

It's Richard Simmons
in a sky blue, $11,
velour jumpsuit.

Now--

How do we know
it was $11?He told everybody.

Told everyone
in the whole lounge.

I would say it was
less of a jumpsuit
and more of a jumper.

I have two daughters, so I would
say it was less of a jumper
and more of a romper.

There you go.Grown man in a romper.

His hair at this point
is so wispy,

it was totally messing
with the Wi-Fi.

In the whole lounge.

I logged in and out six times
while he was standing
in that thing.

He brushed by me, and my phone
went from three bars
down to roaming.

Roaming.Roaming, in America.

He was off the data plan.I had to get a special
international data plan...

because of his wispy hair.

It was a crazy first class
on this flight.

Crazier than normal,
but again, we don't know
what that means.

Here's who was in
first class with us.
Actress Laura Dern.

Which was weird, because
we specifically requested
a non-Dern flight.

We asked for it,
but they didn't give it
to us.

Like a kosher meal, you gotta
ask for it ahead of time.

So Laura Dern,
her mother, Diane Ladd--
another famous actress--

Richard Simmons,
his manager, me, Randy--
not sitting together--

attractive black woman,
her son...

and her husband, who kind
of looked like Avon Barksdale
from The Wire.

It wasn't Avon Barksdale
from The Wire.
It was so much better.

We'll get to it
in a minute.

Now the culture
when you get on the plane--

This is the way of the plane.
If you guys are like us,
you do the same thing.

You get on the plane,
you get in your seat,
you establish your space...

and you expand that space
as far as you possibly can.

Manifest destiny
to the armrest and beyond.

You might throw
an elbow too.

You might throw
a Mutombo elbow if you want.
Wag a finger if you have to.

We always get an empty seat
in between us,

hoping that no one
will sit there.

But we're such pessimists
that we always assume...

that the biggest guy is
always gonna be the guy--6'8", 350.

The guy who's got
four Double Downs from
Kentucky Fried Chicken.

We're like, "Come on, man."

Come on!
It's chicken for bread!Chicken for bread!

What are you
doing to us?

Then he walks by and
doesn't sit next to us.

Everybody on the plane
wants a small Asian man...

who can fold himself
into an orchid.

That's all we want.

And that dude wants
an even smaller Asian woman...

who can fold herself
into a paper crane.

That's the way
of the plane.

But Richard Simmons
is like, "Eff that."

Richard Simmons is like,
"You know what? I'm gonna
turn us into a sky community,

and I'm gonna be
the sky mayor."

This was his plan.Richard Simmons
gets up on his chair.

On his knees.
Do you understand?

If my daughters did this,
I'd be, "Sit down
like a normal person."

You're seven years old.
Act your age.

Richard Simmons,
eyes darting around,
hair up like a feral squirrel.

He's all over the place.
Looking at everybody,
but talking to every--

He changed the molecular--He actually did change
the structure of the plane.

He was talking to everybody.
He started greeting people,

even though they had just been
greeted two steps earlier.

There was
a black dude with dreads
who walked on the plane,

and he literally repeated
over and over--

[ Together ]
I whip my hair back and forth.
I whip my hair back and forth.

I don't know how he was
trying to connect
with a black man...

with a Willow Smith song,
but... he did.

Then he turned around
and spotted Randy and I
not sitting together.

He could not wrap
his wispy hair around that.

How could two people
who look alike not be
sitting with each other?

For the next three minutes
on the flight, he stood there
and he was like--

Wait. Are you you?Are you you?

Are you you?Are you you?

♪ What is going on?

♪ What is going on?

He literally starts writing
a Broadway musical.

[ Applause ]

That I would never
pay to see.Yeah.

Like Mister Saigon.

Or Guys and More Guys.Whatever his musical
would be.

Now the plane takes off,
and immediately
Simmons just drops.

I think he's dead.
I'm like,
where is Aaron Hernandez?

Somebody put a mirror
under his mouth
and see if he's breathing.

It's like someone took
the batteries out of
your kid's Furby.

He's out.He's out!

I took this opportunity
to talk to the woman next to me,
find out who her husband was.

It wasn't Avon Barksdale
from The Wire.

It was way better.
It was the RZA
from the Wu-Tang Clan.

Wu-Tang!

Wu-Tang in that house.Amazing.

At this point, we realized
if this plane goes down,

we're not even mentioned
in the obituary.Oh, no.

It's the RZA, Laura Dern,
Richard Simmons and a
couple of Jews who look alike.

That's it.
If that.

If that.
I'd be lucky to get that.

So I was talking to her
and I was on the Internet,
which was intermittent.

Again, Simmons's hair.
So I'm on the Internet,

and I was like,
"Have you ever heard of
the Wu-Tang Name Generator?"

She had not heard of it.You guys know what it is?

It's a computer program
where you type your name in...

and it tells you
what your name would be
if you were in the Wu-Tang Clan.

It's brilliant.It's so brilliant.

The comedian Donald Glover
put his name in there
and got Childish Gambino.

That's his rap name.That's so genius,
I can't begin to tell you.

So I was like,
"Let's have some fun."

We're on the flight.
We have some time
going back to L.A.

What if we put the RZA
in the Wu-Tang name generator?

I'm over here
and hear him say that.

I'm like, "Don't do that.
You do not wanna do that."

- Why do we not wanna--
- That's like putting
tinfoil in a microwave.

You're just
asking for problems.

We could go
back in time to--

♪ What is going on

Nobody wants that.I was like, I'm gonna
use that as motivation.

I'm actually
going to put the RZA
in the Wu-Tang Name Generator.

I did. And you know what
the RZA's Wu-Tang name would be?

Alan Dershowitz.It was amazing.

That's a true story.
That's a true story.

It's like it knew because
he had the most chutzpah--He really did.

So three-quarters of the way
into the flight,
Richard Simmons just shoots up.

He's alive.He's up, right?
Walks over to Laura Dern.

She's sitting with
that wall in front of her
in the first row.

He sits with his back to
the wall, starts stuffing
his legs under her chair.

It's like he's stowing himself
away under Laura Dern's seat.Sky blue velour valise.

He's underneath there.

Then he starts talking to her.

Within a minute,
they're both openly weeping.

Just sobbing
all over first class.It's so uncomfortable.

Then I gotta pee,
and here's what happens.

I walk up to pee.
He stops me.

Sitting on the floor,
tears coming down from his eyes.

He says, "I want to kiss you
on the lips, and I want
to take you to Italy."

Now, I've known Randy
for most of our lives.

I have never heard
another grown man
say that to my brother.

And the big brother in me--
I'm five minutes older--

should have stepped in
and been like, "Hey, Richard.
That's hilarious.

He's married to a woman.
You're such a great guy."

But the comedian in me
was like, "Let's see how
this shit plays out."

So he left me--This is gonna be hilarious.

He left me on the vine
to deal with it.

I said,
"Richard, I'm a happily
married man, to a woman.

Are we talking about
the Amalfi coast here?"

He'll do that.
Separate rooms.

Or a junior suite
with a pop-out bed.

So I effectively
shut Richard Simmons down,

but here's why
Richard Simmons is amazing.

Here's why
he took the weight off
and has kept it off for so long.

And why he's an inspiration.He is tenacious
and he is an inspiration.

He knew that the Italy thing
was off the table,

and he's like,
"I bet I can still
kiss this guy."

So he pretends
like he can't hear me...

so I'll lean down
close enough and say it to him
and he can plant one on my lips.

That is genius.It's brilliant.

He didn't just pretend.
He became a put-upon character
in a Tennessee Williams play.

He's suddenly--
It's so hot on this plane.

I can't hear
what you're saying.
It's so hot.

What are we
talking about?

He literally becomes
a gay Southern Stephen A. Smith.

What are we talking about?

It's like
the Staples Center's
a glass menagerie.

Kobe Bryant's getting by
on the kindness of strangers.

[ Together ]
What are we talking about?

Come on, Skip.

So I turn to Laura Dern,
who I've never met in my life.

I'm like, "Dern, can you
help a brother out?"
She just looks at me weird.

All of a sudden
Richard Simmons grabs my hand
and starts pulling me down.

I'm like,
"Dern! Dern! Dern! Dern!"Going down.

Then Richard Simmons
takes my thumb,

sticks my thumb in his mouth
and starts sucking my thumb.

- Not just sucking his thumb.
- He was going at it.

He was nursing
on your thumb.

He was like a goat
at a petting zoo
with nipple confusion.

Going at the thumb.

At that moment, I kind of had
an out-of-body experience,

where I started
to hover above myself...

and watch this whole situation
play out.

I thought to myself,
"What would have happened...

if I would have met a woman
in the New Orleans
first-class lounge,

and then three-quarters
of the way into the flight,
I started sucking her thumb?"

I'll tell you exactly
what would happen.

At that moment,
we all would have found out
who the air marshal was.

That's right.

So funny.
As we were taxiing--

Because you know what?
I didn't hate Richard Simmons.
I actually like the guy.

He did turn us into a sky--
People were talking to--

White people talking
to other white people.

It was amazing.It was a magical thing.

So just for the fun of it,
I put Richard Simmons's name
in the Wu-Tang Name Generator.

'Cause it's fun to think
of Richard Simmons
in the Wu-Tang Clan.

Just period.'Cause he'd end
every song with,

"And walk it out.
Let's walk it out, bitch."

Walk it out, bitch.

I thought how funny would it be
if Richard Simmons
was in the Wu-Tang Clan.

I put his name
in the Wu-Tang Name Generator.

And again--This time,
they got it right.

They got it right.
You know what Richard Simmons's
Wu-Tang name would be?

The Effeminate Wizard.You gotta love that.

That's totally true.You gotta love it.

[ Applause ]Thank you.

So-- You know, again.

This is what
we'll leave you with,
is that in life--

Again, no matter if things
are small or big,

if they don't make sense,
question it--

And that's how
we bring about change.In this world.

This is such a small thing,
but it bothers us so much.

You ever notice
that in commercials,

whenever they animate something
or personify it,

they always give it
a New York accent?

Like all those products
come from the same
neighborhood in Brooklyn?

Ehh, I'm a lemon
from McDonald's.

Ehh, I'm a weed
in your goddamn driveway,
you stupid idiot.

Why don't you
spritz that thing
on me, dummy?

Ehh, I'm mucus
in your stomach, you fat--

You hairy, gross--Disgusting pig.

Ehh, I'm a scrubbing bubble.
Why don't you clean
this shithole, all right?

[ Together ]
We live in here! Ehh!

Ehh!Ehh!

You never want to see
a scrubbing bubble do this.
They don't have a chin.

It's so disturbing.

And it's such an antiquated
1940's wise guy accent.

They're still using it
on new products in 2014.

I feel like
they're gonna stop...

when they come
upon a few products
where it totally doesn't work.

Ehh!
I'm Rosetta Stone!
Yeah!

What's the matter?
You can't speak another
language, you stupid idiot?

Why don't you
learn Spanish?Yeah.

¿Cómo se diceI'm an idiot?
You should have learned
that one first, dummy.

Uno, dos, tres,
dummy.Yeah.

Ehh! I'm
an American Girl doll.Ehh!

Your daughter
likes to brush my hair...

and spend more time with me
than she ever did with you,
you deadbeat bum.

She's dressed
like Sacagawea,
you sack of shit.

You sack of hot garbage.

Why don't you spend time
with your family?

Ehh! I'm a Kotex tampon.Ehh!

Once a month, I slide up
in your wife,

and I go places
you'll never go--

[ Together ]
Ohh!

Thank you, guys.
We're the Sklar brothers.
Good night.

Love you.Thank you.

Thank you.

You guys are awesome.
Thank you.Thank you.

[ Together ]
Thank you.

Come on, guys.

Beautiful.

If we keep cheering,
Wisconsin gets the Olympics
in 2020. Let's do it.

But it's going up
to Rhinelander,
if that's okay.

Is that cool?

What's going on
up there in Rhinelander?Oh, those guys.

Brandon's so big.

Brandon's so big,
he's his own snowmobile track.

We've lived in California,
in Los Angeles,
for almost 15 years.

This is our 15th year
in Los Angeles.

We lived through the entire
Governator Schwarzenegger
thing.

You know how people
talk about Northridge
and the earthquake?

That's got nothing
on Schwarzenegger.

It was weird, 'cause
there would be moments...

when you were high
or you were disoriented...

and Schwarzenegger
would come on the TV
and start giving a speech.

You're like, "Wait a minute.
Are we in a Schwarzenegger
movie right now?

A shitty
Schwarzenegger movie?"

In other words,
a Schwarzenegger movie.

Schwarzenegger, I love that
he's no longer the governor,

but he spent
a lot of time in Sacramento,
which is kind of a crazy place.

Not a lot
of technology up there.
It's a weird place.

He's back
doing movies now.We want him to do his movies.

The best thing about
every Schwarzenegger movie...

is his clever kill line
he delivers right before
he kills somebody.

He would always basically
murder you twice.

First with his
hilarious Austrian wit.

[ Together ]
Zoom.

Then he would pop a cap
in your ass and you would die.You're done.

I don't have a problem
with those things.

It's just that he never fully
grasped the English language,
which is weird.

And he would always
put those things
too close together.

Too close together.
It was confusing.

Even if you were a guy
who deserved to die
in a Schwarzenegger movie...

at Schwarzenegger's hand,

your final seconds on earth
should be with dignity.

You should have your life
flash before your eyes.

You shouldn't be
trying to decipher...

whether the guy
who just shot you
was joking or not.

Which is what
they all had to do.

In Commando,he knocks over
five huts with one foot,

and then immediately afterwards
is like, "Knock, knock."

[ Imitating Automatic Gunfire ]

There were people
in those huts.

Very confused people.They were like--

[ Together ]
You didn't knock--
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.[ Whimpers ]

Was he joking?I don't know!

I wish I could think about
my family right now.

All I can think about is how
that guy's been in America
for 35 years,

and his accent's gotten worse.[ Both Scream ]

So he is back doing the movies,
and I love that he's
doing the movies.

And he's old
and out of touch,
so here's our dream.

Let's ratchet up the confusion.Let's make the confusion
his greatest weapon.

We hope that he comes back,
does a bunch of new movies,

has a bunch of
new clever kill lines.

But all of his new
clever kill lines...

have to do with technology
that he does not understand.

That to us would be
the greatest thing ever.

Everybody's confused
in every scene.

I want to see him
kick down a door
and be like--

Why don't you
just Google yourself
and use the key word "dead"?

'Cause if I just type
the word "dead," they won't
know what I'm referring to.

Where are you typing?I'm typing the "D"--

[ Imitates Gunshot ]

There's an app for this.

There's an app for what?
Your gun?There's an app for this.

You have Wi-Fi on your gun?I do not know
what the Wi-Fi is.

You don't know?But I know there's
an app for this.

What app do you have?Google Maps is on my gun,

and now I'm pointing it
at your face.

You are not pointing that
at my face.

I'm pointing it
at your face.

Rerouting.
[ Imitates Gunshot ]

You could use Mapquest
and find yourself
six feet under the ground.

Come on. Do it.Do what?

Log in.You don't log in
to Mapquest.

You do log in
to Mapquest.

You do log in.
Yes, you do.

Who told you?She says so.

Who?Susan.

Susan, the woman
who works on--Susan. Yes.

Stop talking to him.Do you log in to Mapquest
or do you not?

She says you log in.Why?

To get updates.You don't get updates.

Why don't you
talk to her?

Fine. I'll talk--[ Imitates Gunshot ]

Thank you guys so much.Thank you guys.

Henderson.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Thank you.
- ♪♪ [ Rock On P.A. ]

Wow. A wild finish there
from Madison, Wisconsin.

Kind of a shoot-out,
but that's what we were
expecting from these guys.

High scoring, lots of jokes,
definitely entertaining.

Final thoughts,
Dwight Freeney?

These guys are amazing
at what they do.

And you've seen it
tonight.

I think it was all
the conditioning.

Clearly the conditioning
came into play, Omar,

- towards the end
of tonight's comedy event.
- It certainly did.

But you know what I saw?
I saw a lot of balance
out there.

I saw some hard jokes,
some long stories,

but it's gonna be
a very interesting off-season
for both of them.

I don't know if either one
can repeat next year.

Randy was a little
Shermanous out there.
He held down his side.

Jason wouldn't even
come over there.

It was a balanced attack
by them, but I give
the nod to Randy.

You're not wrong. It's gonna
be a heck of an off-season,

as you alluded to there
moments ago, Omar.

I'm looking forward
to the comedy combine,
which is only two weeks away.

Can you guys believe that?
It's amazing how time flies.

We're done here, so we're gonna
now throw it to Bonnie,

who is with a jubilant Randy--
Bonnie?

[ Applause ]Randy, the crowd still
going nuts out there.

Take me back through
that last bit.I'm the best in the game.

Don't you try me
with the sorry-ass
joke construction like that.

That's the result
you're gonna get.

Don't you ever talk about me!

Who's talking about you?Crabtree!

What about your brother?He was great.

I thought we did a good job,
we were back and forth,
had a good relationship.

All right. Crabtree.Don't you ever open your mouth
about the best!

You know what? I'm gonna
shut it for you right quick!
L.O.L.!

L.O.L. indeed.
All right.

Bonnie, over to you
with a crestfallen
Jason Sklar.

Bonnie, thank you.
Jay, I can see it
on your face.

Such an uncharacteristic
performance.
What happened out there?

Bonnie, I told these kids.
"I said I'm proud of you.
You hold your head up.

No matter
what happens out there,
you did your thing."

There weren't any kids
in the audience--
Never mind.

Big question is,
you're now a free agent.

Everybody wants to know
will you perform
with your brother again?

Come on, Bonnie.
That's a clown question.

I did it for these kids.
It's about the kids.

There were no kids
in the audience.Hang on a second.

At the top of this interview,
you threw from yourself
to yourself.

How did you do that?

[ Distorted Cackling ]