Original subtitles

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Hello.

Hello.

We're the laurwins.

We're on promenade suite 103.

Yes, you are. Welcome aboard.

They are good accommodations, aren't they?

Only the most super-ritzy suite on board.

That's good enough for us.

Thank you.

You bet.

They look like they're gonna have fun.

Yeah, but you know something? I know that guy.

He works in the bank right around the dock area.

Oh, have you been mingling with the financial biggies now?

Yeah, the biggies that guard there.

One of the guards?

Yeah.

Hmm. And he's taken the most expensive suite on the ship.

Yeah.

I hope you didn't have money in that bank.

It might be headed for Mexico.

Thanks again, dad, for the perfect wedding.

I only wish your mother had been here to see this.

Mark, you got a wonderful girl. You look after her.

You don't even have to ask.

I'm not asking you. I'm telling you.

Enjoy your honeymoon, children.

Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye, fellas.

Oh, you don't have to bother, fellas.

Really -- I can carry it.

Fellas? Fellas, come on.

I don't want to trouble you.

It's no trouble. It's right on the way.

We're right next door to you.

You two are gonna be on the boat?

Yeah.

Yeah.

In the next cabin?

In the adjoining.

We figured you didn't want us in your room with you.

Any sign of that child-welfare worker?

No, not yet.

How's the captain doing?

Well, considering the custody of Vicki's gonna be decided

in the next few days, I'd say pretty well.

You don't think they'll take Vicki away from him, do you?

Hey, no negative thoughts.

Has anyone here seen that miss, uh --

miss stoddard.

Yes, thank you. Gopher, straighten your tie.

Apart from hysterical, you look great.

Vicki -- where's Vicki?

Julie's bringing her. Now, stop worrying.

Once that welfare woman sees you and Vicki together --

but on a ship -- a cruise ship?

Don't forget I'm a single man. That's two strikes against me.

Here they are.

Hmm?

Stay with me.

I need all the help I can get.

[ Sighs ]

Well, my, my, my, aren't we pretty?

Captain merrill, do I have to wear this weird outfit?

Nobody wears white gloves today unless they've got poison Ivy.

It's gross.

Look at me -- I'm all gussied up

out of respect and courtesy to this miss stoddard.

Well, I think you both look ravishing.

I feel like Shirley temple.

Hey, here she comes.

Hi.

I'm sorry, ma'am. We're in the middle of a crisis.

Talk about typecasting!

Anybody need a child-welfare worker?

The wicked witch of the west has arrived.

Knock it off.

Uh, miss stoddard!

I'm captain stubing.

Sailor, where's your bar?

I got a hangover that won't quit.

I need some oxygen on the rocks.

Through those doors to the left.

That's miss stoddard?

Only if there are two of us. I'm Susan stoddard...

"The wicked witch of the west."

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

I take it this is Vicki?

Yes, ma'am.

[ Chuckles ]

Could you and Vicki and I have a little talk

after we get underway?

I look forward to it.

Fine.

See you later.

Bye.

Well, what do you think?

She's nice, isn't she?

Come on, Vicki.

Let's get ready for that interview.

Come on now, guys. Let's think.

Did we miss anything?

Is there anything else we could have possibly done

to get off to a really bad start?

[ Air horn blows ]

[ Beeping ]

Ground ball -- you're out.

I beat him again.

You want to play me, Mark?

No.

Would you like to come in the water?

Not just now.

Go on -- have fun.

That's why we dragged you out of the cabin.

Are you two going to stay this close to us for the whole trip?

We know what you're thinking. You got nothin' to worry about.

We ain't never gonna let you out of our sight.

Wonderful.

We love that little girl you married, understand?

We've been taking care of her all her life.

Just relax and enjoy, huh?

Thank you.

We'll take it.

Fine. I'll put it in a box for you.

Thank you. Did you look at the price?

Well, I'm sorry, Betsy,

but I'm afraid you have no choice.

We in the banking business simply cannot allow

our wives to appear in public unless they are spiffed up.

Hold that, dear.

You're too much.

[ Sighs ]

Brand-new bills -- all hundreds.

Are you sure he was only a guard at that bank?

I've seen him wearing a uniform, carrying a gun.

A gun, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Sure looks like he used it.

Here we are. Thank you very much.

I think we also have a shawl to match.

Oh? We'll take that, too.

Good. I'll try and find it and let you know.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Laurwin.

Promenade suite 103.

Bye.

Why didn't you ask him if you could check his bag?

It could have been messy.

Messy?

He may have his gun with him.

Messy.

I promise I'll take care of it right away.

Excuse me, miss McCoy?

Yes.

Would it be possible to change cabins?

I'm sorry. We're sold out. Is something wrong?

I was hoping that there might be something

in another part of the ship.

You see, next door --

miss, I would like to point out

that this chap is on his honeymoon.

And as he is taken,

he is no longer available to members of the opposite sex.

Well, if you --

excuse us, please.

We would like to have a word with the groom.

Wait a minute!

Shh! I recommend silence, hopefully voluntarily.

Enforced silence makes for a pleasant cruise.

Look out there and tell me what you see.

[ Sea gulls cry ]

The ocean.

That's right. And what is at the bottom of the ocean?

Fish.

Kelp.

Among other things.

And various and sundry nameless persons

who have met with an untimely demise.

I urge you to remember that you are a newly married man.

Female distractions are definitely a thing of the past.

Marriage has obligations.

Your job is to fulfill those obligations.

Yeah, and our job is to make sure you do your job.

Understand?

Vicki: I don't get it.

He's my dad. I'm his daughter.

We want to be together.

Why does someone else have to decide?

Vicki, that's the way things are.

Well, miss stoddard, I hope you don't let

a smattering of boisterous revelers

or the fact that the ship has been called

"the love boat" influence you.

Our cruises are dedicated to quiet relaxation

and the healthy sea air.

You're kidding.

No, I'm selling...

The most important thing in my life.

Oh, I knew it. He fell right into her trap.

He's being honest with her.

Eavesdropping?! Disgraceful!

Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

Miss stoddard's in there.

Excuse me!

Stoddard: Please relax.

And, Vicki, at ease. I'm not the fuzz.

I'm only here to observe.

There's no way I'd be better off than with captain merrill.

Yeah, but I've got to see that for myself

and report to the court.

For instance, I have to be sure

that you're getting a proper education.

That's no problem, miss stoddard.

Susan.

Susan.

Dooley, our chief petty officer,

has a graduate degree in education.

Oh.

He's Vicki's instructor.

Sometimes on occasion, if necessary,

doc, Julie, the whole crew helps.

We do?

Sure, I have. So has doc.

From now on we're all gonna pitch in

and do anything we can to really sell this lady.

So just be yourselves. Act naturally.

That's not an easy thing to do.

Sure, it is.

All you have to do is... The impossible --

pretend I'm not here.

Well, I'm just going to wander around on my own

for a little while, all right?

She's leaving!

Captain merrill?

We really need her approval, don't we?

Yes, honey, we do.

Okay, then we'll get it.

Julie: We will, Vicki.

Don't you worry. We will.

You were all outside listening?

Well, we wanted to save you the trouble of having to fill us in.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Education -- she was very explicit about education.

That'll be tough, though.

'Cause I think I already taught you guys all I know.

Naturally we have more than singles on board --

elderly vacationers, honeymooners --

primarily family people.

Nothing out of the ordinary ever happens.

It's all very wholesome.

[ Sighing ] Ahh!

You know, ralphie, this is the life, huh?

You and me ought to go on a honeymoon more often.

Yeah, I'm glad we're here.

When you told me we was going on a cruise,

I never dreamed it would be like this.

Uh, let me show you the bridge.

Well, here is one of our largest rivers, the Mississippi.

That's the Missouri,

and I learned all that in the fourth grade.

Then consider it your review.

Here she comes. Review. Review.

Hi, miss stoddard, captain merrill.

Hello, Vicki, gopher.

Vicki...

The world's largest rivers --

the Mississippi, Amazon, nile, Congo.

That's very good!

Excellent.

I pride myself on my ability

to instill knowledge in young people.

Vicki, next time I want you to list the oceans of the world,

the seas, the mountains, volcanos,

and all the natural wonders.

Natural wonders?

Well, yeah.

You know, Niagara Falls, and, um, the tower of pisa,

and...dolly parton.

A little humor -- a teacher's tool.

Shall we?

Doc, the guy carrying that black bag around called you, why?

No idea.

I got it.

During the getaway from the bank,

he probably got a bullet in him,

and he needs a quack to save his life.

Well, I mean a real good licensed quack.

They seem like a very nice couple.

So did Bonnie and Clyde.

Doc...

Try and get a look in the satchel,

but be careful.

He's probably carrying a gun.

Doctor, come in.

My wife was just recently discharged from the hospital,

and our doctor at home

suggested I give the ship's doctor this paper

explaining her condition just in case.

He said I was really doing fine.

There was no reason for me not to come on the cruise.

I agree. You seem to be doing great.

We just had to get away.

Oh, doctor, let me show you something.

Just to be on the safe side -- emergency oxygen.

I carry it everyplace we go.

Feel free to call me anytime.

[ Door closes ]

Well?

[ Imitating Humphrey bogart ] I saw what was in the bag.

Oh?

Precisely.

"O" -- oxygen -- a small emergency tank.

You see, Bonnie has a respiratory problem,

so Clyde carries oxygen.

Oh.

You got it.

But that still doesn't explain

how a bank guard is able to afford a luxury suite

and a shopping spree.

Oh, Vicki, that's very good.

That's very good.

Now, for your homework,

I want you to diagram the sentences

in the first three chapters of this book,

and you can use these books as references, okay?

Bye-bye.

Thanks a heap.

Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi, Julie.

As you can see, Vicki sure carries a study load, huh?

Yeah, pretty soon she'll be needing a shopping cart.

[ Laughs ]

Doesn't she ever get time for exercise, recreation?

Recreation?

Oh, sure. We re-create her all the time.

One for the doctor, one of the nurse,

one for the lady with the alligator purse.

Okay, now -- red-hot bubba!

Can we quit now?

I'm exhausted.

So am I, and I'm only watching.

How do I look?

Absolutely beautiful.

[ Chuckles ]

I love you, honey.

I adore you.

Why don't we order dinner here?

We're all dressed.

But then again...

[ Knock on door ]

Hey, you decent?

How do I look, kids? Like a regular David niven?

You ready for dinner?

Go ahead, we're having dinner here.

Good idea. I'll call room service.

It'd be fun for all of us.

Never mind. Let's go.

Oh, should we go in

and see if they found that matching shawl?

Aren't you overdoing it a little?

I thought we agreed that for one week in our life

we weren't going to think about money.

We're all right.

I've got plenty to see us through the whole trip.

All right.

Miss, did you locate that shawl you were telling us about?

Not yet, Mr. Laurwin, but I'm still checking.

Oh, fine.

Now that's something we have to have.

A diamond ring?

Not just a diamond ring, a diamond engagement ring.

Miss?

Yes?

Would you show us this diamond ring, please?

The one in the green box.

Certainly.

We've been married 30 years.

And all that time you've never had a diamond engagement ring.

That's something I always wanted you to have.

How much is it?

$750.

Gordon, $750?

We have some almost identical ones with zircons

for around $50.

No, thank you. We waited this long.

We're not gonna settle for anything

but the genuine article.

'Cause you're the real thing, Betsy.

I don't want anything but the real thing on your finger.

You can sign for it if you prefer.

No, thank you. I'd rather pay cash.

There you are.

Thank you.

Oh, it's beautiful, Gordon. I love it.

I just love it.

Well, that's all that matters.

And no more coffee for me, pal.

It keeps me awake all night.

You ought to have some, though, Mark.

You didn't have much to eat, Mark.

I'm not very hungry.

That's understandable. He's nervous.

What's he got to be nervous about?

Drink your coffee.

I ain't havin' coffee.

Order some.

Honey, why don't we turn in?

Why don't we.

Yeah, that's a good idea. It's been a long day.

Why don't we all turn in?

A toast to a lovely bride and a wonderful anniversary.

Together: Happy anniversary.

I knew that dress would be just perfect on you.

You look beautiful.

You have the most romantic husband.

Oh, he's been full of surprises lately, like this cruise.

Last week out of the blue he came home with our tickets,

something we never could afford.

This silly man went out and sold his coin collection

and here we are.

Sold his coin collection?

Well, it was a hobby I'm tired of, anyway.

I told him people would think he robbed the bank where he works.

Oh, nobody in his right mind would ever think that, huh?

No, ever. What a dumb thing.

Well, if you all will excuse us,

I'm gonna take my bride for a stroll in the moonlight,

which may lead to who knows what.

Gordon, you haven't paid for the champagne yet.

Hmm?

The champagne.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Would you ask the waiter to put it on my tab, please?

Sure.

Good night.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Good evening.

Good evening.

You're just gonna love the food. It's wild.

Is that on the menu, too?

Uh, honeymooners.

Adorable.

We see a lot of that. In fact, there was a couple --

uh, there's our crew.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh-oh.

Oh!

Oh, the booze.

Oh, that waiter got the drinks mixed up again.

Excuse me. Mine's the cranberry juice.

Ladies, your champagne.

Julie, here's your iced tea.

Thank you, doc.

How about me?

Share with Julie.

Right.

Uh, Vicki, why don't you go to the table?

We'll join you in a minute.

Yes, sir, captain. I'm starving.

My, romance abounds on this ship, doesn't it?

People just tend to be friendlier at sea, right?

Mm-hmm.

You mean it's all "eat, drink, and be merry,

for tomorrow we dock"?

Well, people have been known to eat, drink, et cetera,

on dry land, too.

Yes, but on a ship like this, it's practically all you see.

Do you think that's a suitable background for a child?

What about her role models?

You're looking at them. See? Cranberry juice.

The only thing I drink, lemonade.

But there's one other problem.

Even though there are children on the ship,

they don't make for lasting relationships.

The risk is Vicki living in an adult world

without someone of her own mental age level.

You're forgetting gopher.

Well, we'll see you all later.

Bye.

Bye.

Captain... [ Clears throat ]

Uh, please don't think

that I'm not aware of how difficult this is for you,

but it is such an unusual situation.

Let me have a little talk with Vicki alone tomorrow.

Certainly. Certainly.

Right. Now, that's enough of that.

Now please get me to our table.

I would like to take off my witch's hat

and have a double vodka on the rocks.

[ Beeping ]

Ben: Go hit it, ralphie.

Ralphie: Yeah, the next one goes into the seats.

You need a tennis racket.

I'm gonna clobber this one.

Darling, come to bed.

Honey, I can't. I just can't.

I love you.

And I know you love me.

So, what's wrong?

Hey, there it is!

A long fly ball... And I'm out.

That's eight games in a row.

That's what's wrong.

You got two dummies in there cheering,

and I feel like we're honeymooning

in the middle of yankee stadium.

Can't you ignore them?

You've been around them all your life.

Maybe you can tune them out, but I can't.

I'm sorry, Mark.

I'm sorry, too, honey.

I booked this trip months in advance.

I wanted the honeymoon to be perfect.

But I just can't deal with them.

Fastball -- nice pitch!

Put something on it. Throw me a curveball.

Good night, Mark.

[ Beeping ]

Strike three! You're out!

I feel like I'm still in a dream.

That is something we should have done years ago.

Oh, you wait too long --

why, sometimes it can end up

your medicine will weigh more than your luggage.

[ Chuckles ]

I can't wait to tell my sister all about this.

She's always showing off to me.

Well, don't wait. Give her a call.

From here?

Oh, it's easy.

My wife would like to make a ship-to-shore telephone call.

Oh, no problem.

Will you bill it to my room?

Certainly.

Oh, Mr. Laurwin, I found that matching shawl.

Well, fine. Did you hear that?

I'll be over in a few minutes and sign for it.

Okay.

I thought you didn't want to charge things?

Well, I don't have my wallet on me.

Here's your telephone.

Thank you, Isaac.

Certainly.

You talk as long as you want. I'm gonna pick up the shawl.

Hey.

Good mornin', Teri.

Where is our young groom?

Too tired to partake of the sun and fun, huh?

How is the honeymoon goin', kitten?

It's okay.

It's okay?

Hey, your honeymoon is perfect, it's spectacular,

sometimes out of this world, but never okay.

What is the problem?

It's just that -- oh, never mind.

Hey, Teri, you can tell us what happened.

What happened?

Nothing happened.

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Excuse us.

Hey, good morning, Mark.

You got time for a word here?

Fellas, I'm not in the mood --

hey, we have become aware of a disparity

in your recently acquired relationship.

I don't think that's --

shh!

I suggest you just listen.

The arm you save may be your own.

You see, son, when you married our little Teri,

you entered into a contract which carries with it

the responsibility of postnuptialization, understand?

You're dutybound to engage in...Husbandry.

I for one understand the nature of your difficulty

in that my sister Teresa's husband had the same problem.

May he rest in peace.

So, uh, commence the honeymoon.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Daily exercise!

Healthy body means healthy mind!

This is fun!

Vicki, faster!

I'm trying to build up your lungs.

Great! I'll have healthy lungs and a broken body!

Here we go, Mr. Smith.

Thank you, sir.

Excuse me, captain.

Yes?

I wondered if I might speak to you for a moment...Alone.

Certainly. Excuse us.

I understand congratulations are in order on your engagement.

Oh, thank you.

[ Sighs ] How can I help you?

You know, captain, for years

my wife and I used to watch this ship leave the harbor.

We could see the harbor from our window.

We always said to each other, "someday we're going, too."

I'm glad you finally did.

Well, it took a real jolt to wake me up.

I almost lost her here a while ago.

Well, that made me realize

how risky it was to put your somedays off too long.

It certainly is.

The real clincher was one day down at the bank

a lawyer was in the vault there

cleaning out the box of a client who passed away, I guess.

I could see his money laying there in the box

and his jewelry --

things that you knew he'd never get a chance to use.

So, the next day I went down and I got my box out,

and I cleaned everything out of it and spent it on this trip.

The best move I ever made, too.

Instead of a tin box full of junk,

we had our hearts full of memories,

enough to last forever.

I can't think of a better investment.

There is a problem though, captain.

I've been running up some bills on shipboard,

and I don't have the money to pay them.

Oh.

That is a problem.

I was doing all right. I was doing fine.

I had plenty of money till I bought that diamond ring.

The minute I saw that diamond ring,

I knew Betsy had to have it.

Does she know?

Oh, no. No, she must never know.

That's what I was hoping you could help me with.

I hoped that maybe I could pay it off a little bit at a time.

I suppose arrangements could be made.

No write-off, captain. I want to pay every dime.

I just want to know that when I look at that diamond,

I know it's clear and clean.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you,

after you being so nice to us and all.

I can imagine what you must think of me.

Gopher?

Sir?

I want you to reassign

Mr. and Mrs. Laurwin's table to someone else

and find two places for them at my table.

They'll be my special guests.

Yes, sir.

You're not going to keep me out of this celebration.

And if anyone ever asks why we call this "the love boat,"

I'm gonna tell them about a certain two passengers

we once had aboard

who made the meaning of the words very, very clear.

Thank you, captain. Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, are you the doc?

Uh, yes. Hi, can I help you?

You see, doc, we would like to discuss with you --

how would you call it? --

frustration due to lack of fulfillment.

It ain't us, doc. We are totally fulfilled people.

Yeah, right.

But let us suppose there was this honeymoon couple

who was havin' these problems.

Oh, I see -- a hypothetical couple.

Hypo-what?

Uh, make-believe.

What's their problem?

Well, the party of the first part, the alleged groom,

is not meetin' up with his conjugal duties.

Yeah, we have been guiding this said groom,

urging him along the road to honeymoonism.

I see.

Well, it's very decent of you to show concern.

However, it's possible for him to mistake this concern

for pressure,

and too much pressure can inhibit a man's libido.

Oh, I wouldn't want to do that...

Whatever that is.

Sounds to me like what's needed is a little less pressure

and a little more romance.

Romance! Yeah, yeah!

Gentleman, this is the love boat.

Just let them soak up some of this romantic atmosphere.

You'll see. He'll be a new man.

That's right. Thanks, doc.

Come on, Ben.

We got an appointment with cupid.

Oh, what a glorious evening.

Imagine having dinner at the captain's table.

Wait till she lays that one on her sister.

No, really, captain.

We can't thank you enough for this wonderful evening.

It's my pleasure. It's an honor to have you here.

Besides, I wanted miss stoddard to meet you both.

Well, I've enjoyed it.

And I just love your ring.

I've been staring at it all through dinner.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Now, young lady, I think it's time you and I had our talk.

All right?

If you'll all excuse us.

Certainly.

Stoddard: Good night.

Good night.

Doc: Good night.

It is a beauty, isn't it?

Wait a minute.

That doesn't look like the diamond.

That stone wasn't nearly this large.

It's just your imagination.

No, he's right. It is bigger.

Doc: Gopher!

I saw them in the store window.

The diamond is smaller.

It's a phony!

If there's been a mistake, I'm sure it can be rectified.

Wait till I get my hands --

Gordon, wait!

If you'll excuse me, there's something I have to do.

Fling myself overboard.

Wait. I'll help you.

Gordon -- Gordon, don't go.

Don't you try to stop me, Betsy.

She probably felt we were such old fossils

we wouldn't even notice the difference.

She tried to pull a fast one.

No, Gordon.

She didn't pull the fast one.

I pulled the fast one.

I exchanged the ring.

You did?

But why?

'Cause you're the most wonderful husband in the world.

You know, when you love a man, you get to know him.

I knew it wasn't like you to charge things.

Hmm.

I figured that buying the ring had used up our money,

so I exchanged it for this

and paid the bills with the difference.

I always wanted you to have a diamond --

a real diamond.

For 30 years I wanted a diamond more than anything,

but now... This is the ring I want,

because every time I look at it,

it will remind me of all the things you did

to make this cruise and my life so full of wondrous things.

It will always mean more to me than any diamond ever could.

Okay?

Okay.

And I like cartoons and comic books and my dolls

and Walt Disney movies and...Um --

oh, yeah, I hate boys, and I think twinkies are yummy.

Is that enough?

Well, it's enough of that.

Oh, come on, Vicki, tell me what you really like.

The captain, the crew, the ship.

Can I level?

I want you to.

Then how about if I take back the part about liking twinkies?

Personally, I love them.

[ Sighs ] You mean I blew it again?

[ Chuckles ] Vicki, you're not blowing anything.

I just have to find out if you're happy...Living like this.

All I know is how unhappy I'd be if I had to live any other way

or anywhere else.

I mean, without the captain.

I love him so much.

Why can't I just give him custody of myself?

I'm afraid it's just not that simple.

Then would you consider a bribe?

Oh, Vicki.

Come on. Come on.

Hello. Hello.

Just sit down right over here.

Right this way, please.

I have a big surprise for you.

Ralph, I hope this isn't gonna take long.

Honey, just indulge me.

The surprise is gonna be very pleasurable, I assure you.

Excuse me.

[ Whistles ]

[ Violins play ]

Is this romantic, huh?

Very.

Be still my foolish heart.

It's enough to stir the savage in any red-blooded man.

Hear! Hear!

Now a toast to the beautiful bride

on a night meant for love.

Oh, gee, those poor kids.

They haven't been alone for a second.

They wouldn't happen to be honeymooners, would they?

Yeah.

They've been joined at the hip by those two neanderthals.

I wish there was some way we could help.

Maybe medical science can supply the answer.

Hmm?

[ Applause ]

Boy, it's been a long day, huh?

Time to go to bed, Mark.

Yeah, why don't we all hit the sack?

Gentleman, excuse me.

May I speak to you for just a moment?

It's very important.

Uh, that young man you were sitting with,

is he the hypothetical honeymooner?

Yeah, why?

You didn't tell me about his sad eyes, his lack of energy.

He's generally morose.

His problem's not just psychological.

There's a very real reason for his lagging libido.

He is suffering from hormonal poo-poo politis.

Poo-poo po-what?

Poo-poo politis.

It kills the male drive. It's highly contagious.

Contagious?

How long have you been exposed to him?

Counting the courtship -- m-maybe a year.

Why, doc?

Can you touch the tip of your nose with your tongues?

I knew it.

You've suffered considerable loss of tongue extension.

What are you sayin'?

You mean we got the poo-poop?

Well, there's still a chance of reversal,

but prolonged exposure to the carrier can only make it worse.

You're only hope -- no, even then I --

what?

What?

Tell us, doc!

Your only hope is to stay away from him.

We wouldn't go near him.

But you're in the next cabin, aren't you?

Well, not anymore.

We'll get our blankets. We'll sleep on deck.

Good. You've made a very wise decision.

Vicki, how did it go?

[ Crying ] I ruined everything.

I got panicky and fell apart.

There, there, there.

It's not that bad.

Are they going to take me away from you?

Vicki...

It's all my fault.

Everyone tried so hard to help me,

and I wouldn't listen.

[ Sighs ] Baby, baby, baby.

Don't give up hope.

Haven't you?

Teri...

I love you.

Mm.

Ralphie: Come on! Move it! Move it!

Ben: Grab those blankets!

Okay, I've had it! They are leaving!

Okay, I want you out of here!

Okay!

You got it!

That's great 'cause I'm tired --

yeah, two seconds, we're out of here.

Just don't come any closer, okay?

And stay out or else!

Well, she should be by any minute now.

Well, what's it all about?

All I know is she wanted to see all of us.

We'll be getting in tomorrow morning,

and I guess she's gonna give us the verdict.

Did she give any indication?

That lady is ice.

Captain merrill, you're not gonna let her --

if I hadn't come up zilch, blubbering and sniffling.

I blew it.

No, Vicki, you didn't blow it. We all did.

[ Knock on door ]

Susan, come in.

Captain.

[ Clears throat ]

Well...

I won't mince words.

I want you to know the decision I've made and why.

I think we can probably all guess at that, Susan.

Her schoolwork is much too heavy.

Her recreation is like training for the Olympics.

Most important -- her environment.

It's too unbalanced...

Too one-sided.

She doesn't spend much time mixing with the passengers.

I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about you --

all of you.

Us?

That's right.

What do you mean, us?

You are too perfect --

strait-laced...

Prudish.

You, captain, are the soul of integrity.

I most assuredly am not the soul of integrity.

I second that.

I resent that "perfect character" business.

And I certainly am not strait-laced or prudish.

Well, you all could have fooled me, but you didn't.

I saw through your charade from the beginning.

No, not you, captain, but the rest of your crew.

You did lay it on a bit thick.

But that only proved to me how much you all love Vicki,

how much you'd do,

how far you'd go to help the captain keep her.

Is she saying she's on our side?

All the way.

Oh, great!

All right!

Captain, I am sending in the strongest recommendation

I've ever written

for a girl who's gonna have not one parent, but five --

all of them loving, caring people.

Vicki, you are one lucky lady.

Captain merrill, does this mean

I can officially call you dad?

Aw!

That's wonderful!

Next time don't scare us like that.

Thank you.

Well, don't wait 30 years to come cruising again.

We'll try not to.

Okay, goodbye.

Thanks for everything.

Thank you so much.

Well, your sister's probably down there someplace

waiting to meet us.

And she's probably wearing her mink jacket.

If she should ask about this, tell her it's a real diamond.

Betsy!

Well, if she's gonna "mink" me, I'm gonna "diamond" her.

[ Laughs ]

Just keep movin'! Come on! Scram!

From here on, your security will be in my hands.

I'll take it.

Goodbye, miss stoddard.

I hope you'll come back.

I just might do that,

but next time it'll be for pleasure.

I personally guarantee it.

Of course, if you prefer a younger man...

Again, my gratitude.

Goodbye for now.

Miss stoddard!

Hmm?

If there's ever anything I can do for you...

Well, now, come to think of it, you did offer me a bribe.

Huh?

Mm-hmm.

All right, name it -- anything in the world.