Original subtitles

[Theme music]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard, we're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward, let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat soon will be making another run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance, and love

won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard, it's love.

[Music playing]

Honey, would you please let me help you?

No, Harvey.

These are too heavy for you.

And don't walk so fast, you're overdoing it.

Hi.

Oh, hello.

We're the cronkles.

Let's see.

You're on the promenade deck, cabin 110.

I hope you enjoy your cruise.

How can we?

We shouldn't even be here.

You're the captain?

You run things?

You give orders?

Yes, may I help you?

Would you tell this man he's going to drop dead?

Really, Dr. Bricker.

Control yourself!

With ship's officers should give the passengers confidence

and calmness, total calm.

Will you cut that out.

You know, tradition of the sea?

Right this way to the lifeboat, madam.

Nothing to worry about.

Just a routine iceberg.

We're only going down.

All right.

I'm a little nervous.

I'm expecting someone.

Sherry holtham.

You mean the one on the Alaskan cruise?

You mean the one with the silk bolero

that did the dance of the--

you look this way and I'll look that way!

[Interposing voices]

Looking for me?

Hey, rod, back again, huh?

Fourth time this year!

Well, I regard it as my obligation to womankind.

You see, the little lovelies are so starved for togetherness.

And I just happen to be the local distributor.

Oh, it's really unfair, you know.

So many of them and just one of me.

Well, maybe we can get some of the little lovelies to chip in,

so we can get you cloned.

Solid thinking!

Then I could sell franchises.

Hey.

Excuse me, gents.

Poor guy.

If he could only get over his initial shyness.

You really got a thing for Sherry, don't you?

Well, we've been corresponding for six months.

She's taking this cruise just to be with me.

No wonder you're flipped out.

Just till I know she's aboard!

Then I play it like I always do, Charlie cool.

There she is.

Where? Where?

Sherry!

Mr. Cool.

Oh, doc!

How are you?

Oh, better now.

Among primitive tribes, just half a squeeze

like that and they're engaged.

Really?

Absolutely.

I'd say he already owes her father two goats and a camel.

Let me show you to your cabin.

Doc?

Yeah.

This is my sister, Carol.

Oh, hello.

How are you?

Oh, just fine.

[Sobbing]

Poor dear.

Oh, don't worry.

Hey, look, lots of people get emotional

when they see a relative off.

But I'll take real good care of Sherry.

Doc, the cabin, does it have a double bed?

Oh, yes, it does.

Indeed it does.

Oh, good.

Because Carol's going to be staying with me.

You know, this is something I never tire of,

watching new people coming on board

all aglow with anticipation.

I suppose this is all very boring to you.

I'm Evelyn Hopkins.

Oh, hello, welcome aboard.

Let's see.

Oh, yes, I have an Andrew Hopkins in cabin 270 on the--

it's Evelyn Hopkins.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Oh, yes, of course.

You're right here on the fiesta deck, cabin 140.

Oh, good.

Is Andrew Hopkins here yet?

He's my dad.

No, not yet.

Can I wait for him here?

Then you won't be able to find our cabin.

Oh, I'll show him, Mrs. Hopkins!

Well, i--

yes, this is the captain's daughter

and my number one assistant.

She hasn't lost anybody yet.

Ok.

Don't be long, Jimmy.

Ok.

You really work on this boat?

It's a ship.

But I have what my dad calls a vital but unofficial job.

It's vital because I get to help with things

that make passengers happy.

Sounds neat.

But unofficial because I don't get paid for it.

Not so neat.

Personally, I'd rather be less vital and more official.

But you must be rich.

Two cabins?

My parents are divorced.

Oh, that's rough.

I'm going to change things.

That's why I talked them into coming.

I'm counting on this cruise to help me get them back together.

Hey, dad!

Jimmy!

Hey.

Oh, boy.

Boy, if I can help him pull this one off,

I'm going to ask for money.

[Music playing]

Hi.

Dinner for two?

We'll join you a little later

we?

Carol?

I'll just be outside the door!

I want to talk to doc for a minute!

Sherry, you know--

honey, I'm really sorry.

But I couldn't help it.

I mean, Carol's fiance ran off with another girl.

I had to bring her.

I mean, she's at that stage where

she shouldn't be let alone.

Well, So am I!

Now you don't really feel alone, do you?

Hey.

Well, to be honest, I really didn't

plan for us to spend the whole cruise out here in the hall.

We won't.

Carol will pick up here in a new place with new people.

Why, before you know it, she won't need me around at all.

I'll drink to that.

You said you were only going to be gone for a minute.

Honey, I can't wait for dinner.

You know what I'm going to have?

A 10-pound lobster floating in 20 pounds of butter,

or vice versa.

Oh, Harvey, you just had a triple bypass.

Your heart can't stand that kind of cholesterol!

Now, there's the ship's doctor.

Ask him.

He can't tell me anything.

Maybe you're right.

He doesn't look too healthy.

But I'm telling you, have a nice salad.

Harvey, trust me in this!

A lobster will kill you!

Certainly.

Baby, do me a favor.

If that lobster kills me, have him arrested.

[Music playing]

There's dad!

Doesn't he look great?

Yes, he looks great.

And I think he has even more muscles than before!

Here you go.

Dad, mom just said you look great.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, hello, Evelyn.

Hi, Andy.

Dad, doesn't mom look good, too?

She looks very good, son.

Hey, I'm a lucky kid.

Mom looks good, you look great.

I'm out with an attractive couple.

So, how have you been, ev?

Well, everything considered, not bad.

She's been super.

And she lost seven pounds.

Jimmy!

How do you like living in Chicago?

Well, everything considered, not bad.

Maybe you can come visit for Christmas.

Hey, we sure will.

Right, mom?

We'll see.

But mom--

here, dear.

See what you'd like for dinner.

[Clearing throat]

Why would he leave me?

[Sobbing] Why?

Because you're probably--

you'll find someone nicer.

No!

No, not like Marvin.

He was the most romantic dentist I ever met.

He had the nicest soft hands and he always smelled of soap.

Would you excuse me, please?

She still crying over her fiance?

A cloudburst.

Her mashed potatoes look like a swamp.

The worst part is, she won't let Sherry out of her sight!

Rough.

I've got to find a fellow to take Carol's

mind off her runaway dentist.

It might work. But who?

Who?

Just remembered, doc.

Time for my meditation.

- What meditation? - Oh, I didn't tell you?

I'm studying for the monkhood now, doc.

Completely celibate.

Since when? Come on, gopher.

Look, look, look! Carol--

doc--

Carol is very attractive girl!

Doc, I am all wrong for Carol.

All out of drip dry shirts.

- Think of it as a challenge. - No good at challenges.

I crack.

Gopher, look, you're my friend.

Please? I need you.

Doc, it just wouldn't work out.

I mean, what you need for Carol is a big,

handsome leading man type.

I'm just a little pipsqueak.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

We're going out onto the deck and get some air.

It won't help.

I'm the unhappiest person in the world.

You wanna bet?

I've got to find someone!

Hey, what about Mr. Make out?

Rod?

What will he ever see in Carol?

Oh, gopher, I'll handle that.

Rod is going to find Carol not only interesting,

but totally irresistible.

Carol?

Rod may have bought a ticket to Mexico,

but he is going to fantasy island.

(Imitating tattoo) Whatever you say, boss!

Double bourbon, please.

A double bourbon?

Hear that?

She wants a double, too.

Harvey!

He can't have that.

All right, all right.

Let him have his hand back!

Make it two singles.

The man with the large scar across his chest

will have a ginger ale, preferably low Cal.

Hold it.

Sarah, please.

That's absolute poison.

This is poison?

Then you drink it.

Look, lady, don't bug me.

I'm used to having a drink every night before dinner,

and I'm going to have one.

All right.

Drink it.

Put a lump of butter in it.

But when you drop dead, don't come complaining to me.

Put a lump of butter in there.

If you two would like to dance, don't worry about me.

I think your father would like to have you alone for a while.

He hasn't seen you in months.

But mom--

you and dad have a lot of catching up to do.

See you later.

Good evening.

I'm merrill stubing, and this is my daughter, Vicky.

She runs the ship.

Oh, Andrew Hopkins.

Hi, Vicky.

Hello.

My son, Jimmy.

Yes, I believe these two have already met.

They've been exchanging mysterious signals.

Really?

What's it all about, Jimmy?

Nothing.

Yes, that's what Vicky told me.

Well, whatever they're up to, I hope the solid steel

ship can survive it.

It was nice meeting you.

My pleasure.

Vicky: Bye-bye, Jimmy.

Goodbye, Jimmy.

Seems like a nice girl, Jimmy.

She's ok.

Say, you're not going out with anyone special, are you?

You know, like a girl.

Oh, not me.

Not anyone special.

Very nice selection aboard.

Oh, yeah.

Vitamin e?

No, thanks, I just put one on.

Rod, let me give you a little advice.

Strike Carol off your list.

Who's Carol?

Hey, Rob, don't snow me.

I'm trying to give you a friendly tip.

You'll never survive it.

No, really, doc.

I haven't met any Carol.

Come on, Carol!

The redhead at this near table.

[Sobbing]

Why is she crying?

That's what i'm trying to tell you.

The poor kid's got a problem.

See, she can't find a competent man.

Tragic, a hormone imbalance.

I don't want to say--

insatiable.

You're kidding.

Kidding?

I got four guys in intensive care right now.

We've only been aboard four hours.

An animal.

Wild.

Well, they don't call me Marlon Perkins for nothing.

Help is on the way.

Hey, rod, you're putting me on.

You're much too sensible to risk life

and limb for just a night or two of mad an insatiable passion.

She is so-- she should be in the book of records.

Well, a little smile.

That's better!

No, I was--

I was just showing Sherry the nice caps

that Marvin did for my birthday.

Oh, rod!

Rod, this is Sherry and Carol.

This is rod baylor.

Carol, I could have guessed.

It's like a sweet song.

You're not dancing.

Huh?

Oh, would you excuse us?

Oh, no, no.

No.

[Squeaking] Sherry don't leave me!

Oh, she'll be in good hands.

Oh, everything's going to be fine.

Doc told me about your little problem.

He did?

I could have made him so happy.

But he ran away.

A vitamin e?

No, of course not.

I guess I just expected too much.

Mrs. Cronkle, may I have this dance?

Oh, it's a little too disco.

Let's wait for something a little slower.

Honey, I like the disco.

I just paid $200 for lessons.

You know that.

Harvey, I love you.

I really do.

But you've got to take care of your heart!

Dance with me, and I promise not to put my heart in it!

How can you make jokes?

I was never healthier in my life.

The doctor told you that I didn't have a heart attack.

That operation was just a preventive measure.

Harvey, you don't have to be brave for me.

You're rebuilt. Face the facts.

You're like a used car.

You've just got to stay off the freeways.

Sweetheart, with you or without you,

this rebuilt body is going to get it on, mama.

I'm going to get it on, mama.

Now.

Excuse me, dad.

Be right back.

Uh, hi.

Hi.

Where did my mom go?

Your mom-- oh, you must be Jimmy.

She told me you're on the boat, too.

It's a ship.

Right.

She'll be right back.

You know, you have a very beautiful mother.

My dad thinks so, too.

Your dad?

Jimmy: Andy Hopkins.

You must've heard of him.

No, I don't think so.

He's with the Pittsburgh steelers!

Pittsburgh steelers?

Middle linebacker, Andy the beast.

Look, he's not as mean as people say.

Come on, I'll introduce you.

Listen, some other time, ok?

Primitive.

Very primitive.

This time.

But it's so easy to check, especially for a crew member.

Yeah, you're right.

Got any ideas?

On this ship, I've seen just about everything.

And there's one surefire way to frighten off a man.

But we better dance, so nobody figures out what we're doing.

Ok.

It has been a long time, doc.

I have a Japanese robe you're going to look wonderful in.

My head is spinning.

This longing, this craving that I can't control.

Maybe you're pregnant.

It's you.

You're a temptress.

Are you always this silly?

Time is precious.

You and I could--

hands, hands, hands.

But passionflower, you don't have to play games.

Periodonture.

Huh?

Those gums.

You need Marvin, too.

Hey, honey.

It's a starry night.

The moon is full.

And we're on the love boat.

God to sleep, Harvey.

Sweetheart, I'm in the mood.

So what else is new?

Sweetheart, you know it's been ages since we made love.

Harvey, you can't get excited.

You are in terrible shape.

The doctor said I'm sound as $1.

See?

Now, what if you had a heart attack?

I'll risk it.

Sure, it's easy for you to say.

But if something should happen, I'm the one who pays.

I'm dead and you pay?

Sure.

I'm the one who has to face the kids and tell them

I killed their father.

Sarah, Sarah.

I'm the one people will call killer cronkle.

Harvey, go to sleep.

The life you save may be your own.

There you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

Where's rod?

Oh, he went back to his cabin.

He said he wasn't feeling well.

I think he od'd on vitamin pills.

You know, he's a very good-looking guy,

but he's kind of--

[music playing]

[Laughter]

Completely down.

Beautiful landing.

You know, you're a very interesting lady.

Thank you, Mike.

Pretty, too.

Thank you again, Mike.

Can I get you a drink?

Yeah, that would be nice.

Let's see.

Something exotic, like a Mai Tai.

Right.

Be right back.

Ok, you're on.

And remember, sincere.

My mom's real pretty, isn't she?

Evelyn's your mother?

She sure is.

Very pretty.

Are you going to be my new dad?

Huh?

My mom said she'd find one on this trip for sure.

Look, kid.

Don't you worry about me.

I'm no trouble at all.

I won't need orthodontia for at least two months.

Look, kid, I don't think--

can I sleep with you and mom?

I'll have all new toys and a bike

and go to a private school.

And later, my own car!

Maybe--

excuse me, son.

See?

You're calling me son now.

Yeah, I just remembered something.

You're going to love acapulco, Mr. Siegel.

Merrill?

Excuse me, merrill?

Have you seen gopher?

Not recently.

What are you doing by yourself?

I thought for sure you'd be with Sherry.

Well, a slight complication.

I can't believe you've got a problem.

You've made more elaborate plans than eisenhower did for d-day.

Well, all he had to worry about was the German army.

I've got Sherry's sister.

She brought her sister?

Who hasn't stopped crying on Sherry's shoulder since they

boarded.

Oh.

And unfortunately, Sherry's shoulder is

connected to the rest of her.

Yeah.

Still, there's no big problem, Adam.

All you've gotta do is find someone to console her.

Yeah, merrill, that's why I was wondering--

I don't know how to say this.

But would-- gee, this is not so easy.

You're asking me to do it?

Yeah, I thought it might calm her down

to talk to a father figure.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, no, that's not what I meant.

I mean I thought she could benefit from the advice

of an older man.

No, I mean a wiser man.

I know what you mean.

No way, Adam.

It would take an incredibly naive

man to get involved in this.

I've got to find gopher.

You see?

It's got to be smooth.

You just relax, take it nice and easy, and then go.

Hey, that's all right.

I think you're ready to play.

I always am.

He shouldn't be doing that.

Why not?

He seems to be enjoying himself.

Well, if you call committing suicide enjoyment.

What?

The man has had a triple bypass.

He's a walking time bomb.

Oh.

What does the doctor say?

Oh, the doctor says he's fine.

But what does he care?

He's not the mother of Harvey's children.

Remember, the more you practice, the better you get.

I'll be right back.

Harvey, what do you think you're doing?

Leading a normal life.

You call being in the Olympics normal?

It's just shuffleboard.

Harvey, in two minutes, you will run

your blood pressure up to 500.

Then you're going to faint.

Then you're going to need mouth to mouth resuscitation.

And if that one over there with the water wings

gives it to you, it's goodbye, Harvey.

Harvey, you don't have to prove you're young again.

Really, you don't.

All this overdoing, it frightens me.

I need you to be with me for all the years that we have left.

I need you, too, Sarah.

Then all I ask is that you relax, take it easy, you know?

Oh, Harvey, I don't want to lose you.

You're the director of social activities, right?

Right.

Well, line me up some fellows, because Sarah cronkle is

about to become a merry widow!

Hi.

Oh, hello.

Our kids seem to be having a lot of fun together.

Evelyn: Yeah, they sure do.

Wouldn't you like to be 12 again?

No way.

But, now, 22?

That's a different one.

Something wrong?

Yeah.

Someone went to get me a drink about an hour ago

and seems to have vanished.

Well, I'll take care it.

Oh, I couldn't.

I insist.

Ok, a Mai Tai.

All right.

I'll have it sent right over.

Thank you.

One Mai Tai, Isaac.

Coming right up.

And would you deliver it to Mrs. Hopkins over there,

please?

Evelyn?

Mm-hmm.

Do I have to?

Is there a problem?

Captain, the lady likes to socialize,

but I'm not looking for any trouble from Andy the beast.

Andy the beast?

From the Pittsburgh steelers, her husband.

The little boy told me that the beast was on-board.

Oh, her little boy told you.

Isaac, I think you've just been had by a 10-year-old con man.

A con man?

I thought he was trying to save my life.

No.

I think he's trying to save something else.

So I haven't had 10 minutes alone with Sherry!

Oh, you mean rod didn't deliver, huh?

No, he came on too strong.

Listen, gopher, old pal--

oh, no, no, no.

Not me with Carol, uh-uh.

I'm in training for my monkery, remember?

I'm going to go get the top of my head--

oh!

Our order no longer does human sacrifices!

Look, I just want you to get rod all fired up again.

And convince him this time to play it slowly.

The longer he takes with Carol, the longer

I can have with Sherry.

Ok, I'll try.

That's a good monk.

Hi, Harvey.

Hey, hi!

Want to play?

Honey, I'm not in the mood for shuffleboard.

Oh?

What are you in the mood for?

Look, this afternoon-- later, maybe, we'll have another game.

Truthfully, I'm so hung up on this book.

Ok, see you later.

Bye.

Hi.

It's nice to see Mr. america sitting down.

Hello there.

Bruce jenner exhausted himself?

No, I just thought I'd read a little.

Well, now you're being sensible.

A man in your condition needs rest.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Rejected.

I'm on a love boat and I've been--

Has the old magic vanished?

Resting up after last night, huh?

How did it go, man!

It didn't.

Nothing happened.

Oh, always the gentleman.

Always discreet, that's how come everybody loves you, right?

I know Carol, man.

You don't have to protect her reputation with me.

I must have hit on her 20 times.

You hit on her!

Oh, man.

No wonder you blew it!

See, the trick with Carol is--

oh, no, wait a minute. Hold it.

No, you shouldn't hear this.

Consider yourself lucky you escaped with your health.

Hey, you've got to tell me!

It wouldn't be responsible.

It's killing me thinking this great machine may be finished!

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Ok.

Ok, but you got to promise me you

won't get angry when you're lying

there, gasping with uncontrollable passion

and ecstasy.

I promise.

I promise.

There's one thing you should do with Carol.

Nothing.

Nothing?

You didn't hear it from me.

Didn't hear what?

The girl flips, flies, and freaks out when you come

on like a great big zero, man!

But how do you get the--

because Carol has to be the aggressor!

You just sit there and be cool and play innocent and wait.

And then she'll make the move.

She'll make the move?

It never misses!

In medical terms, she is the ravager

and you are the ravagee.

Far out.

All right.

But remember, you're playing with fire here.

She'll never let you go if you give her

the one thing she can't resist.

Nothing.

You got it!

Mom.

Mom, look who I found.

Super pop!

Hi, Andy.

Hi.

You two talk a while.

Vicky's waiting for me.

Are you uncomfortable about the three

of us being on this trip?

Not really.

Jimmy wanted it and I thought it would

be a good experience for him.

You do look good.

Thank you, monsieur.

And it was really eight pounds.

And you look terrific.

Thank you.

So does Jimmy.

You look great, I look great, Jimmy looks great.

A real storybook divorce.

The stuff that dreams are made of.

Hello there.

Oh.

Hello again.

Twice in one day.

You know, I think you are the only guy on this boat

who isn't avoiding me.

And all the men that seem interested kind of disappear.

Are you sure I look great?

Mrs. Hopkins, you have no problem with your looks.

But I have a strange feeling that your son has been pulling

the plug on your social life.

Jimmy?

Aided and abetted, no doubt, by my Vicky.

But I don't understand why.

I think it's obvious.

Of course, yeah.

I'll speak to my daughter.

Please don't.

We'll handle this with Jimmy.

As you wish.

Poor baby.

He's trying so hard to get us back together again.

I'm going to have to have a long talk with him.

Evelyn, first I think you and I should

have a long talk ourselves.

About living together again?

It's impossible.

Isn't it?

Ok, after ping pong, I want you back in the cabin,

in the sack by 9:30.

- 10:30? - Nope.

15?

No.

10:00 straight up.

That's a deal!

Have a nice time.

Ok.

Think it's working?

They've been talking all day without any yelling.

All right!

In today's market, that's a romance!

Let's go play ping pong.

All right.

Come on.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Have you seen my husband?

Well, I'm not sure I know what he looks like.

Well, he's the one with the bad heart.

He should be very easy to find.

He'll be the palest one on the dance floor.

I'll keep my eyes open.

Sorry my son handed you all that jive

about me being the beast of the steelers, brother.

Oh, that's ok.

I hope he didn't have you worried.

No, man!

Hey, listen, I don't scare that easy.

Besides, I was just keeping these around

to fight off the mosquitoes.

Oh, Mr. Cronkle.

Is there something I can get you?

No thanks, Isaac.

I'm going to turn in.

It's still early yet.

I'm beat, man.

Solid beat.

I can't believe it.

The disco king and he hasn't even danced once tonight.

Yeah, the last night, I broke the balloons and ate the cake.

Hey, may I have one of these?

Sure, go right ahead.

You're my man.

Good night.

Ok.

To us.

What's wrong?

I can't help it, doc.

I keep expecting Carol to come rushing over.

Oh, don't worry.

Rod's going to keep her busy.

Shall we split?

Well, what if the same thing happens again

and he leaves her?

I assure you, rod will be very patient.

Very patient.

You know, you're much nicer when you're relaxed.

I have a confession.

This is the real me.

Basically, I'm shy and helpless.

Last night, I tried to overcome it.

But truth is, i'm really inhibited.

That's sad.

I'm that, too.

You poor thing.

I'll tell you my most private secret.

To meet a strong woman.

I long to be dominated, mentally, physically.

To be putty in that woman's hands.

I'm really nothing.

You have a problem.

I know.

Oh, I know.

I have just the answer.

You mustn't, please.

No, no, no.

I insist.

Oh, be kind.

Call this number.

I don't have much experience--

Dr. Hellenberger?

Mm-hmm.

It's my psychiatrist.

He'll do wonders for you.

So, what do you think?

Well, I've got to be honest, Andy.

Apart from Jimmy, the truth is you

and I have nothing in common.

We were too young to know that when we got married,

but our needs are different.

You're a man who needs success.

There's nothing wrong with that, except your way

precludes home life.

And I'm a woman who needs a man around.

What if I told you I'd changed?

I wouldn't believe it.

Neither would I.

Sweet.

I'm glad we've finally got an understanding.

Yeah.

But now, we have to tackle the real problem.

It's Jimmy.

You know, he's worked so hard trying

to get us back together again.

He's going to be so disappointed.

Andy, you and I have got to go down to the cabin

now and break our son's heart.

Which one of us is going to tell him?

[Music playing]

There you are!

I looked all over for you.

I just thought I'd turn in early.

The last night party and you're down here?

There's something wrong.

I can tell.

No, there's nothing wrong, Sarah.

You just-- well, you finally convinced me

that I should take it easier.

You been drinking?

No.

I've been waiting for you.

I thought maybe we could have a quiet glass of champagne,

like, together.

All right, but just one.

Give me a minute to change.

Yeah.

Hey, look who's up!

The little man is still up.

Hi, how was dancing?

Oh, it was great.

We had a good time.

Yeah.

Yeah, Jimmy, um, your mom and I were having

a talk, a long, serious talk.

We both know how much you want us to get back together.

It'll be great!

The three of us, we could--

no, no, baby.

It's not going to happen.

But why?

Son, we know you planned this trip

with the best of intentions.

But if we tried getting back together again,

you'd be living with two miserable people.

That's not much of a life at all, for any of us.

Jimmy, one thing we share totally is our love for you.

No matter what we do, or where we are,

that'll never change, son.

You're stuck with both of us for life.

Right?

Right.

It's true, I do nag now an then.

Not too often!

Just now and then.

I'll try and keep it down.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I worry you, too, from time to time.

But I don't know, it's just that I figured

I had a right to celebrate.

Harvey, that's your third glass!

Here's to number three in good health.

My problem is i'm not ready to be old.

Oh, Harvey, you're not old.

You're young.

We both are.

Of course, we're not as young as we used to be.

Harvey, why did you turn out the lights?

Oh!

Harvey!

Harvey.

[Kissing noises]

What if it's fatal?

Harvey: No court will ever convict you.

Doc?

Hi.

Just putting on some special Cologne.

You'll love it.

Tiger passion?

[Growling]

You can only get it by prescription.

You'll never believe what happened!

He left me again!

He's another Marvin!

Hold the Cologne, doc, and make it two orders of aspirin.

You want aspirin?

You're in bed.

Aren't you feeling well?

I'm still alive.

I feel better than I ever did.

You want to know something, Harvey?

So do I.

Honey, can we go back to our normal life now?

Oh, I don't know, Harvey.

You don't take care of yourself.

I have to watch out for you.

No, you don't.

Start worrying about yourself.

We've both been living my life, don't you know that?

I've known it all along.

I guess I was frightened, Harvey.

I didn't want to believe you were well, because I

was afraid of losing you.

Losing me?

You know, with your new attitude toward life,

I thought you might want someone younger.

You mean like water wings?

I guess I wanted to keep you sick so you'd need me.

Honey, I'll always need you.

You're the only woman I ever wanted.

You're perfect.

I know.

I just wasn't too sure you did.

[Music playing]

- Captain! - Yes?

It was a wonderful cruise.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves.

Oh, it was terrific.

Wonderful, wonderful.

You don't have to thank me.

It's all part of my job.

Then you're fired.

My folks aren't getting back together.

I'm sorry.

It's ok, I guess.

At least the trip made them friendlier.

Well, then, you accomplished two very important things.

What's the second?

You met me!

Come on!

That's some assistant you've got there.

Not so loud.

She thinks she's the captain.

Bye.

Goodbye.

And you be sure and be very honest with Dr. Hellenberger.

He is going to help you so much.

What, did you give her the old nothing treatment, man?

And that's exactly what I got back--

nothing.

There's a lot of that going around.

What can I say, except if you're ever in Fresno, call me.

I plan to get to Fresno.

I have a long vacation coming up in April.

April?

We've got a great springtime cruise in April.

Excuse me.

Did I hear you say you have a springtime cruise?

I just love this boat.

Where does the cruise go? - Siberia.

Patagonia!

Oh, you see, it's Siberia and patagonia,

where all the epidemics are.

I guess I wouldn't like that much.

See you in April.

Mr. Cronkle, here's the name of that champagne

that you wanted.

Oh, yeah.

You know something?

Soon as I get off of here, I'm going to buy five cases.

Well, that should last you a long time.

Oh, man, my wife and I will destroy that in a fortnight.

I'm going to lay some more secret on you.

What's that?

You see, I'm just prematurely gray.

Harvey?

Yeah, baby?

I'm going to let you carry the luggage.

Be my pleasure.

Can I get a little kiss first?

Can we help you?

[Interposing voices]

[Theme music]