Original subtitles

[Theme music]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new--

come aboard, we're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward, let it flow--

it floats back to you.

The love boat soon will be making another run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

An actual cruise, I still can't believe it.

Well, it's just another way of saying I love you.

Peter, you're the best.

Well, that's why I love you--

you've got such great taste in men.

Lucy!

I got your letter.

Doc.

I'm here as promised.

Hey.

This is Peter Welch, Dr. Adam bricker.

- Hi. - Hi, doc.

Nice to meet you.

A pleasure.

Doc's an old buddy.

Hey.

I'm not that old.

Ah, excuse me, i--

I see an old friend too.

Nice to meet you, doc.

A pleasure.

Is-- is that the guy who wrote me about, the one you're

planning to marry?

Uh-huh.

Oh, isn't it something?

I've got the most eligible bachelor in town.

Yeah, he'll probably stay that way too.

All I ask in return is that you

join me for a tropical drink.

Doc, you've become suspicious in your old age.

Talk to you later.

Ok.

Man, was I embarrassed, a complete stranger.

Hey, come on.

Let's get settled in.

This looks like it's going to be a great cruise.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hello.

Is this where you check in or whatever you do?

Only if you want to be on a ship going to Mexico.

Oh, we do.

We really do.

I'm Terry Gibson and this is Monica James--

I mean my wife.

Monica is my wife.

Yeah, we're married.

Yeah.

That's why I said, like, my wife, because we're married.

Yes, of course.

That's Mr. and Mrs.--

Gibson.

Of course, yes.

Oh.

You're in the honeymoon suite on the promenade deck.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Yeah.

That's right up those stairs and through that door.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Julie?

- Yes. - Do you get the--

ahem.

I really appreciate your help.

This is for your trouble.

A quarter?

I haven't been tipped a quarter since I had a paper route.

I have never been called ma'am.

I get the feeling that those two shouldn't

be in the honeymoon suite, that they should be

on a playground roller skating.

(Exasperated) Ma'am.

He called me ma'am.

Eleanor!

Oh, merrill.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Welcome back.

Oh.

You're looking terrific.

Where's--

we're divorced.

It just became final.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, that's not true.

I'm not sorry.

This is my celebration.

Oh, merrill.

I've been dying to see you.

Dinner, my table, tonight.

I'd love it.

Looks like Eleanor's back for another cruise.

Think she's got a case of "captain-itis?"

Oh no.

She's just here to see--

an old friend.

[Ship horn]

[Chatter]

Gopher: Goodnight.

Mr. Smith.

Yes, sir?

I need your help.

You name it.

You got it. - Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

It's a delicate situation involving

a couple of young lovers.

I just received this telegram.

We've booked a young couple into the honeymoon suite.

Their names are Terry Gibson and Monica James.

They are not married.

Not married?

Oh gosh.

They're teenagers.

They're not even close to being 18.

Oh.

Well, sir, what can we do about that?

I mean, if they paid their fares and they're not

causing a mutiny or anything--

I mean-- well sir, we can't be the social conscience

of the world.

The girl's father is in London.

Until he gets back, he wants us to keep them on board.

Mm-hmm.

Apart.

Oh, "ah-part."

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Well, how, sir?

I mean, I can't move in with them.

No.

As you so often have told me, Mr. Smith,

that's why you get the big money.

Sir, that is not fair.

It is not right.

I will not be put in this position.

This telegram is signed Arnold James.

No skin off my nose.

It is if you look at your paycheck.

Hmm?

Arnold James is the treasurer and executive vise

president of the line.

He signs your check.

So what cabin did you say these delinquents are in, sir?

You know, it-- it seems funny being alone and not worrying

about your folks walking in or some cop

shining his light in the car.

Yeah.

Maybe we should go have dinner in the dining room.

But I've already ordered everything.

I guess I'm a little nervous.

This is kind of like our wedding night,

except without the wedding.

Well, you know, our folks wouldn't let us get married.

They'd probably kill us.

Sidney, if this is for the honeymoon suite, take it back.

I do not want them eating in their cabin.

Do you realize what a candlelight

dinner could lead to?

Gas?

Go.

You're not sorry you came, are you?

No.

[Knock at door]

That must be our dinner.

Sorry to interrupt-- lifeboat drill.

Monica: Now?

At night?

It's the best time.

Dark outside-- makes it tougher to find the boats.

Ok.

Put these on.

Don't take them off till I tell you to.

Don't tie them too tight.

You might be wearing them all night.

Wouldn't want you to cut off your circulation.

All night?

What kind of cruise ship is this?

A very safe one.

Ok.

I want you, stern station, lifeboat 12-- you,

bow station, lifeboat 1.

Can't we be together?

Sorry.

International rule-- husbands and wives may not be together,

unless they're left-handed.

You're not left-handed, are you?

Good.

Wouldn't want to make a stupid mistake.

Do not leave your station until I contact you,

or until the bosun's mate gives you the code word--

(screeching) Creek-creek.

Creek-creek?

Don't question that.

The ways of the sea might seem strange to you landlubbers,

but believe me, we know what we're doing.

- Well, what about dinner? - No, thanks.

I've had mine. Let's go.

All right.

Well, what else did Eleanor say?

Oh, nothing really, just that this was going to be

the most romantic cruise ever.

Mm-hmm.

And then--

and then what?

And then she just kind of sighed.

Well, what do you mean kind of?

How kind of did she sigh?

Well, it was sort of like, um, [deep sigh]

[Clears throat] She went [deep sigh] about me?

Who else?

Julie, you've just made me the happiest man in the world.

Well maybe we should have dinner together.

Here we go.

Compliments of the gentleman.

Oh.

And he definitely is a gentleman.

Thank you.

Do you always give such big tips?

Buy low, sell high.

I'm a stock broker, Russell Evans.

Oh, hi.

I'm Eleanor gardner.

I hope you don't mind the send over a drink routine.

It's just this cruise is very short.

And then I see this very attractive woman, so i--

so you resort to a very corny routine.

It's also very successful.

You even got the drink right.

Only margaritas have salt around the rim of the glass.

Oh, a detective.

In my business, you have to be--

detective, economist, clairvoyant,

mathematician, psychologist.

Oh, oh, ho, ho--

hold it.

Up to mathematician you were doing just fine.

I just divorced a psychologist.

Did I say psychologist?

I meant cyclist.

[Laughing]

You've got to keep fit.

The other thing we stockbrokers do

is wine and dine our clients.

I was kind of hoping that you'd let me wine

and dine you, Eleanor.

Oh no.

You're just hoping to sell me 100 shares of IBM.

No way.

I was just hoping to give you one share of tlc.

Tlc?

Tender loving care.

I'll drink to that.

Then it's dinner tonight?

Mm.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've been invited to the captain's table.

Oh.

Right this way, please.

Here we are.

Hope you like your table.

Like it?

I love it.

I'm surrounded by beauty.

You say the nicest things.

But will you pay this much attention

to me after we're married?

More.

How soon do I find out?

Oh, I don't know.

We're having such a good time.

And there's plenty of time, hmm?

Right.

Of course there is.

Peter, I'd like to set the date.

If we're getting married, I'd like to know when.

I have a little something to calm your frazzled nerves.

Oh, Peter.

I feel so foolish.

A diamond.

[Gasps] Peter, it's fabulous.

Oh, put it on me.

Sure.

To my love with all my love.

Oh, merrill.

I've been thinking about you so much since the divorce.

And I've wanted to talk to you.

You were so kind when I was going through all

that nonsense with Todd.

Well, it's all over now.

Oh, merrill.

It's so scary being a single woman again at my age.

28 isn't that old.

[Laughter]

I feel 15.

I feel giddy and excited, and I don't trust my own feelings.

I-- I haven't felt this way in so long.

What-- what I really want is to be

able to say yes-- yes to life, yes to all the good things, yes

to love.

Then say it.

It's that simple?

Try it.

You'll see.

Oh, merrill.

You see, that's-- that's what I needed, your encouragement

and your wisdom.

Thank you for sharing that with me.

I'd like to be sharing the rest of the evening with you

too.

Oh thank you, merrill.

That would be nice.

But you know what?

I have accepted a date to go dancing in the acapulco lounge.

And afterwards, thanks to you, I might even say yes.

Goodnight, merrill.

Sidney!

What do you mean they're back in the honeymoon suite?

Listen.

You are paid to deliver food, not be a shipboard cupid.

I know you two old friends want to dance.

But we're back soon.

That's the slickest handoff I've seen since the super bowl.

For heaven's sake, he's only dancing with Julie.

Oh.

Knock it off, doc.

Look.

He gave me this tonight.

Hmm.

Doesn't that prove something?

What?

It's a diamond.

Oh.

I mean, it's not a ring.

But one of these days, he'll take me by the hand,

and we'll go see a judge, and that'll be that.

Sure, like when we get to puerto vallarta?

Huh?

Well, instant weddings, no blood tests, no waiting.

What a great idea.

He'll do it too.

I'll be a bridesmaid.

You're on.

[Knock at door]

(Swedish accent) Would this be the [gibberish] ?

Honeymoon suite!

Oh yeah.

Americans-- [gibberish]

Now then, buddy boy, what color you see in here, huh?

We've got yellow.

We've got-- persimmon is nice.

We got puce and avocado and tuna fish.

No, that's my lunch.

I don't understand.

Oh, well.

You see.

That's the accent.

Back home in Sweden, everybody talks like this.

And we don't understand you people.

[Wheezing]

What are you doing?

Wheezing.

Now, the first and number one thing we got to do is put

all the [gibberish] on the--

the-- [gibberish]

The what?

The-- the furniture on the sleepy snooze.

But we're going to be sleeping here.

Not unless you want this here chair up your nose, buddy.

[Wheezing]

You're crazy.

No, no, no.

I am oomlaud--

jorgens oomlaud.

Painting, that's only a hobby of mine.

Maybe you' know me better as a singer, huh?

(Singing) In the valley in the winter

time, when the wind goes on the windowpanes,

all the women in the vaudeville ride

velocipedes in the vestibules.

[Soft jazz music]

Captain, how come you're letting

Eleanor dance with that guy?

Remember that song, "whatever Lola wants, Lola gets?"

Yes, sir.

Same song, different name.

[Whistling]

Ow.

What happened?

I dropped the suitcase.

I guess my horoscope's out of whack.

I've been dropping things all month.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, lady, you are a knockout.

[Laughing]

And now, this way to the main event.

Oh, wait a minute.

Honey, I just thought of a wonderful idea.

What?

Tomorrow we dock in puerto vallarta.

Hey!

Great town.

Yes.

And we can get married there.

Married?

Oh, honey, in some dull foreign village--

why wait?

Why rush?

I'm beginning to wonder if you're serious about this

or not.

Ha, ha-- come here.

I'll show you serious.

No.

Listen.

I want to settle this right now.

Are we getting married or not?

Well, but--

Lucy, we can't get married.

It wouldn't to be fair to you.

I-- I have this tropical disease.

It's called kuru.

What?

Kuru-- capital k, u-r-u. I'm already losing my appetite.

In about a month, I'll be getting really weak.

Then it's the hospital.

And then it's the box city.

Peter.

You never said a word.

Why should you be miserable too?

Oh, Peter.

We have to do something.

No.

It's too late, darling.

I only have six months left on my warranty.

Then-- then I get a recall to that big people

plant in the sky.

Then marry me tomorrow.

At least we'll have six months.

I couldn't.

I'm not going to be a pretty sight.

Oh, Peter.

I feel so helpless.

What can I do?

There is-- there is one thing you can do.

Anything.

You can come to bed.

It makes me feel better having you next to me.

I-- I forget what lies ahead.

Oh, Peter.

Oh.

[Snoring]

Mr. Oomlaud.

Mr. Oomlaud!

Yeah, yeah.

I'm painting.

I'm painting.

Don't call the union.

I'm painting.

Are you going to be much longer?

Longer?

Well, I think I passed my peak growing period.

I'll never make six foot, by god.

But truth is stranger than fiction, young feller.

That's a quote from my last book,

"the inner oomlaud, autobiography of jorgens

oomlaud" as old to Pete hamill.

We are getting out of here.

I am too young to lose my marbles.

Oh no.

You never too young to lose your marples.

Marbles-- marbles.

Oh.

I thought you say marples.

Marple is a Scandinavian wart.

I lose mine when I kissed the gruda.

The what?

- Toad. - Oh.

Yeah.

She was a blind date.

Yech.

But that's another story.

I tell it to you.

You got maybe two, three hours?

She was so ugly this one, she has

to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink, by god.

[Laughing]

No wedding?

And I was so looking forward to being a bridesmaid.

I had my gown all picked out and everything.

It's no laughing matter, doc.

We're not getting married because--

because Peter only has six months to live.

What?

He's got some rare tropical disease called kuru.

Kuru?

[Laughing]

I didn't know he was into cannibalism.

Cannibalism?

Well, that's the only way you can get

kuru, by eating your ancestors.

You mean he lied to me?

Unless he's been sneaking off to new

Guinea for gourmet weekends.

I'll get him for this, doc, if it's the last thing I do.

[Interposing voices]

Oh, merrill.

I'm so glad I found you.

I want you to meet my friend.

Russell Evans, this is captain merrill stubing.

How do you do?

Captain, Eleanor's told me so much about you, some of it

good.

Quite a ship you've got here full

of beautiful, exciting women.

This trip is becoming a very rewarding experience.

Well, if you'll excuse me, we're going into puerto vallarta.

I want to check on our reservations.

Can't keep a doll like Eleanor waiting in line for lunch.

Oh.

Oh.

Isn't he terrific?

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Sighs] He's very smooth.

A little too smooth, if you ask me.

Ah, you're being protective.

That's nice.

I'm not being protective.

I'm being jealous.

Oh?

I thought you came on this cruise to see me.

Oh merrill, I did.

I did.

Oh, but-- well--

oh well, not the way you thought.

Oh, merrill.

Have I lost a friend?

Hmm.

Do you remember what we once said to each other?

Whatever becomes of us, we'll be friends first--

(together) Last and always.

Thanks, merrill.

We'll order champagne and lock the door.

And nothing can ruin our afternoon.

Oh no.

You know that champagne?

Looks like we're going to have it in the bar.

With our luck, they won't serve

us because we're under age.

Darling, I talked to Adam.

You have to let him examine you.

He might be able to find something

everybody else missed.

Please-- for my sake?

Oh, Lucy.

I can't have my hopes raised again.

It's-- it's too painful.

But you deserve the best that medical science has to offer.

And I'm going to make sure you get everything you deserve.

Hey, there.

You poor guy.

Well, let's see what we can do.

Doc-- doc, I warn you.

My disease has very, very subtle symptoms, almost invisible.

Not with the right instruments.

God, what is that stuff?

It's mostly painless.

Take your shirt off and hang it in the next room.

Please, Peter.

I don't want you to die.

Fantastic.

Now, I can't ethically use any of that stuff on him.

Oh, can't you make him think he really is sick?

I can't do that either.

But I can scare the beans out of him

and maybe make him come clean.

(Loudly) I was thinking i'd like to try some traction for

about, oh, two or three weeks, and then ice

baths-- yes, three ice baths a day.

Oh, no, no, no, doc.

It's hopeless.

Believe me I have seen the best.

You haven't seen anything yet?

Ok.

Ow!

Oh, excessive sensitivity in the pectoral region.

Hmm.

[Laughing] Doc, honest, you're wasting your time.

Just hold-- hold it, Peter.

What is it?

Muscle spasms.

Peter, I want you to lift this book with your arm

straight out.

Do that.

Ok.

How long have you had this weakness?

Oh, I don't know, about a month or so.

I keep dropping things all the time.

Oh, I probably just pulled a muscle or something.

Is it getting worse?

Well, maybe.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Lucy, would you mind leaving us for just a little while?

Sure, doc.

Wasn't that a lot more fun than lunch in puerto vallarta?

[Laughing]

(Whispers) Oh yeah.

Maybe we should skip dinner too.

Mm-hmm?

Oh, do you know, I never thought

I could ever feel this way about a man again, ever?

Hey. Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

Come on, now.

Let's not ruin all this by getting serious.

Oh.

I thought we both were serious.

Look.

We're here for a few days.

Let's enjoy it before we get back to reality.

Reality?

Oh.

I thought the words we said to each other were reality.

I thought the way we felt about each other was reality.

Oh, when we get back to la, I'm going to--

back in la, I have a wife and a little boy.

That's my reality.

Well, I can't be positive, but [sighs]

It could be quite serious.

All right, technically, it's called

amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

The common name is Lou gehrig's disease.

I'm sorry.

[Laughing] Oh, doc.

Look, I saw that movie.

Come on.

Gary Cooper died from that.

You know something?

You really had me going there for a minute.

I guess I had that coming, didn't I?

Ok, look, I lied about being sick.

And I got caught.

It was the only way I could get Lucy off the marriage track.

Peter, I'm a doctor.

I don't joke about things like this.

Come on.

Look, it's over.

I've been paid back.

Is there any cure?

Oh god.

[Sighs]

It's ironic as hell, isn't it?

Guess what?

I'm really dying.

Thank you!

I never thought I'd be happy to know an unethical doctor.

Doc?

Doc?

I'm glad we got our bed back.

How'd you do it?

Easy.

I called the first officer and said I was the captain

and wanted the bed replaced.

But how did he know you were the captain?

Now, how did he know that I wasn't?

Would you like some more?

Mm-hmm.

Well, it's just my luck.

Isaac would only sell us ginger ale.

Can I tell you a secret?

Mm-hmm.

The only time I ever had champagne, it made me sick.

No kidding?

Me too.

I hate champagne.

I love you.

Terry.

I love you a lot.

[Knock at door]

Go away!

Gopher: It's the deputy captain.

You'd better go get it.

Oh.

(Scottish accent) Good evening to you, sir.

Yes?

I wonder if I might have a wee moment of your time?

Wee?

Wee.

Well, we-- i-- wee is an old Scottish term

that we all Scottish use.

What do you want?

Ah, nothing much--

a wee cottage in the Dell, a wee toad stream, and also

a wee Swiss bank account.

My needs are simple.

Look, mister.

Deputy captain mcplenish.

Look, is there something we can do to help you?

The truth of the matter is I'm a very lonely man.

And my doctor has told me if I don't talk

to people about my problems, there is

no telling what I'll turn into.

(Angrily) Would you please get out of here and leave us alone?

Terry, there's no harm in listening.

Oh.

Thank you, Lassie.

Now then, why don't I just start at the beginning then?

My great, great, great, great, great, great, great

grandparents were druids.

They lived at stonehenge.

Julie, do me a favor and ask Mrs. Gardner

to have dinner with me tonight.

She can invite her friend too.

Well, sir, her room steward mentioned she'd

be dining in her cabin tonight.

Oh.

Well, she's probably tired from her day

in puerto vallarta.

No.

She and Mr. Evans got back at 2.

Really?

I didn't see them all afternoon.

Uh, they probably went to the movie.

There was no movie.

Oh.

Well, then maybe they went to the class

in gingham hat making.

Sir, why don't I go knock on her cabin door

and see if maybe she's changed her mind?

No, no.

Somehow I doubt that a dinner invitation will

change her mind about anything.

[Disco music]

[Applause]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Why shouldn't he love all the girls he can?

I'd do the same thing.

I really would.

You're something really special, you know?

Thanks.

But if this is what special feels like, I'll take ordinary.

Gopher: (Singing) La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!

Well, so much for the history of Scottish dance.

Now back to the story.

Long ago, the poet robby burns was

known for his use of iambic pentameter,

which was a rare liquor made from used haggis

and a dash of Heather.

They drink a lot of it in tierra del fuego.

Oh, what's that?

Tierra del fuego.

It's an area in South America.

No, not that--

that smell.

[Sniffing]

It smells like smoke in the passageway.

Smoke in the passageway!

Goodnight.

[Knock at door]

But I'm not finished yet.

Oh yes, you are.

(Scottish accent) Give us a break.

(Normal accent) Not only do I lose my job,

I'm out 5 bucks for a fake beard.

Hey, man.

Feed it three times a day.

It will be your friend for life.

Is it housebroken?

I thought we'd never get rid of him.

I don't know.

He was kind of fun.

Did you love those stories he made up?

No.

But I am going to love being alone with you.

Um, do you want to change first?

Or do you want me to change first?

Or would you like some more ginger ale?

Monica, what do you want to do?

I want to be honest.

I'm scared.

I know that we love each other.

[Inaudible] Does that make sense?

It just seemed so romantic, going on a cruise.

Going roller skating is romantic with you.

Going for a walk, a baseball game.

I really love you.

I love you too.

Now, I wonder if there's any place on this ship

we can get a cheeseburger.

And French fries.

Yeah, and a milkshake.

And some carrot cake.

And another cheeseburger.

Peter.

The late, great Peter Welch sitting in the dark.

Are you all right?

Oh, ho, ho, ho--

tops.

I'm in such great shape that I've been drinking all night,

and I can't even get drunk.

Why are you looking at me like that?

You want to watch me fall apart?

Ok.

It's empty-- the dancing, the girls.

Nothing is working.

Do you want me to say it? Fine.

I've been lousy to you.

I've been a real prize.

You've got every right to go.

It would be good if you did.

Go on, Lucy.

Merrill?

Come in.

I didn't mean to disturb you.

You're not disturbing me.

I mean, Charlie here really pilots the ship.

Besides, you never can disturb a friend.

Beautiful, isn't it?

It's not that beautiful.

[Sniffling] Oh, merrill.

I'm such a dope.

I picked another loser.

Don't blame yourself.

Sometimes-- sometimes the timing isn't right.

You're so good to me.

I hurt you.

And you're good to me.

Why?

I love you.

Oh, merrill.

Is there-- is there a chance we could start all over?

As I said, sometimes the timing isn't right.

Then it's too late.

No, too soon.

You see, you're not Mrs. Eleanor gardner anymore.

You're a new single person.

And what happened with you and Russell

was just a part of finding out who that person is.

And that takes time.

I guess so.

Well, however long it takes, and whoever that person turns

out to be, there will be this other person

who happens to run a cruise ship who

thinks she's the living end.

[Ship horn]

Well, good morning.

Good morning.

How's it going, Peter?

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Good.

Good.

Medically speaking, I'd say your good spirits significantly

improve the prognosis.

Come again, doc?

Oh, I think he's telling us that happiness

is the best medicine.

Yeah.

But I can't charge as much if I say it that way.

Best of luck.

Thank you very much, doc.

Bye, doc.

You there.

Yes, sir?

Assistant purser burl Smith at your service.

James, Arnold James.

Ah, Mr. James, sir.

Listen, it's not my fault. I did my darndest.

Oh, I assume you're referring to the request

I made of captain stubing.

And I assume when someone says they did their darndest,

they failed their darndest.

Is that true?

Well, I wouldn't put it like that, sir.

Oh.

How would you put it?

Could I get back to you on that?

Dad.

Monica.

I am very disappointed in you.

Nothing happened.

And I thought you were smarter than this.

Nothing happened.

I can't tell you how your mother's taking all this.

Nothing happened.

What?

Nothing happened.

Stay out of--

no?

Oh, I don't know why your mother doesn't trust you.

I, for one, certainly have the greatest beliefs in

your maturity and your wisdom.

Come on, children.

I don't understand why people don't trust teenagers.

Give my best to captain mcplenish.

Hmm?

And Mr. Oomlaud.

Who?

Walk you to your car?

No.

I'm this new independent woman, remember?

Yeah.

Well.

See ya.

Yeah.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Merrill?

Yeah?

Walk me to my car.

[Theme music]