Original subtitles

(upbeat synth music)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(ominous music)

- [Steph] Should we order pizza?

- [Greg] Nah, nobody will deliver out here.

- [Jason] Wow, look at all this space.

- [Kyle] This place is huge.

- [Jason] Yeah, how are you able to afford this place?

- [Greg] I got a really great deal on it actually.

And it came furnished.

- [Zed] How'd you get such a good deal?

- Well, you know, it's a pretty crazy story.

If you want to hear it.

- Yeah.

- I like a story.

- All right.

Check it out.

So have you guys ever heard of the Long Island Slashening?

- Oh yeah.

Didn't a bunch of kids get like killed or something?

- Yep.

- No.

This is not the house where it happened.

- Yeah it is, man.

- Wait, what is this Slashening thing?

- Okay, so about five years ago, a group of girls

were having a little get together.

Invited some boys over.

Drinking, some drugs.

You know, usual girl stuff.

(scattered laughing)

So anyway, the neighbors apparently

got driven insane by this noise

and they came over and slaughtered everyone.

Including a couple pizza guys.

They just picked everyone off one by one by one.

'Til the final two girls, Lucy and Margot, fought back.

Killed them.

But then Lucy snapped.

She killed Margot.

Her best friend.

And she got sent to an insane asylum.

Where she remains to this very day.

Dope, right?

(group laughing)

- [Jason] Come on, that's not true.

- People were murdered in this house?

- Yeah, pretty brutal stuff too.

A guy got castrated in the kitchen.

- Oh that is nasty.

Come on.

- I don't feel all that comfortable being in a murder house.

- What are you scared of?

You scared of some ghosts?

Some ghosts are gonna be here?

(group laughs)

Copycat killers?

What, is Lucy gonna find out that people

moved into the house and escape

from the insane asylum and come kill us?

(group laughs)

She's on lockdown!

Come on.

Stop being a scaredy cat.

Let's check out the house.

The place is great.

Furnished!

- I'm gonna go get another beer.

- Oh, there's some cold ones

in the fridge in the basement.

- Cool.

- Oh, that is where the neighbor

got dismembered though, so be careful.

- Fuck you.

(ominous music)

No killers down here, right?

Serial or otherwise with the knives

and the claws and the...

Lucy!

(cat meows)

Oh shit!

Zed, come on, man.

You're fine.

(ominous music) (killer growling)

Stupid ass story.

(Zed gasps)

(gentle acoustic music)

- Should we really be doing this in the murder house?

- Well maybe we should counter that

by making it a love house.

(couple laughing)

I am crushing this.

Wait, wait.

(dramatic sting)

Are you able to consent to this?

- Yes, I am.

- Okay cool.

Wait, wait.

It's just you had a couple beers earlier

and while you're able to say you consent,

you might actually be too impaired to really do so.

- Yeah, I am totally clear-headed.

I definitely consent to this.

- Okay, awesome.

- Oh wait, wait.

You know, you had a couple drinks too.

Are you able to consent?

'Cause guys can get taken advantage of too.

- Yes, yes I can.

And babe, thank you for valuing my consent.

Wait.

You know, just to be safe.

Can you tilt your head back and touch your nose?

Okay.

- Okay.

- Let's do this.

- Okay.

Okay wait, you know what?

Just one more thing.

To be 100% positive let's both

say the alphabet together backwards.

- Z-Y-X, W-V-U, T-S-R, Q, - Z-Y-X, W-V-U, T-S-R, Q,

- P-O-N, M-L-K, J-l-H, G, - P-O-N, M-L-K, J-l-H, G,

- F-E-D, C-B-A. - F-E-D, C-B-A.

- Great, so we're both def sober and able to consent.

- Let's have some intercourse.

- Okay, this is so hot.

- Why'd you turn the light on?

- I didn't, I thought you did.

(ominous music)

(couple gasps)

- I can't believe two people

were murdered in this very garage.

It's just so, so...

- Crazy.

- Hot.

- What?

- Yeah, like what if their ghosts

are like trapped in this garage?

You know, like for all eternity.

What if they're watching us right now?

I want some dick.

Pull it out.

- Okay, sure.

You know, I don't want anyone watching,

but who am I to refuse a little head?

- Oh my god, you're uncircumcised?

- Yeah, it's not a problem is it?

- No, it's the best.

We can dock dicks.

- Oh, okay.

Yeah, we can do that.

- Yeah.

- Okay, sure.

- Go dick tip to dick tip.

Now pull your foreskin over.

Oh fuck.

We're docked.

We're docked!

- Yes, fuck.

- Oh fuck yeah.

Oh fuck.

Oh yeah.

- (sarcastically) Yeah, oh yeah.

Can we fuck?

Can you fuck me?

I could turn around or something.

- No no no, we are fucking.

- We're fucking?

- Dick hole to dick hole.

Cock on cock.

It's like our souls are touching.

Oh my god, now look me in the eye.

Look me in the eye.

No no, don't blink!

Don't blink, it'll go soft!

- Okay, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

- Oh yeah.

- Okay.

- Fuck yeah.

(dramatic sting)

(nail gun firing) (loud squish)

- Our dicks!

There's a nail through our dicks!

- Who the fuck is that?

(guys scream)

- No don't pull away!

You're pulling my dick!

(guys screaming) (warped music)

(loud squish)

No, please, stop!

Don't, no no no, please!

Why are you doing this?

My dick!

My beautiful beautiful dick!

Please don't!

(nail gun firing)

- No, no, no no no no no.

(sobs) Why?

(nail gun firing)

(ominous music)

- Zed's been gone for a really long time, right?

I mean how long does it take to get beers from the basement?

- I mean he's probably just fucking around down there.

Who cares?

We don't need beer anyway!

Because I got us a bottle of wine.

Yep.

Wine is the best.

(Greg laughs)

You know, I took a class trip

with the French club to Paris.

Back in high school, so I know

a little bit about the ol' vino there.

(suspense music)

Yeah.

You know you can't just use regular grapes?

Oh this is an excellent vintage.

Yeah, you gotta get special grapes.

Not everybody knows that.

You know?

So.

It really is a drink for more sophisticated people.

Good thing we are they.

Right?

Right babe?

Hannah?

Hannah where'd you go?

(ominous music)

Hannah?

You down there?

This isn't one of Zed's dumb little tricks is it?

'Cause I'm not falling for that.

I've been to Paris.

You can't fool me.

(chuckles) Come on.

All right guys, come on.

Stop.

Stop playing games.

Just opened this wine.

We gotta drink it before it expires.

Come on, guys.

Where'd you go?

Oh, this guy.

Fucking hiding in the corner, man.

Oh my God!

What the fuck?

Oh shit!

Oh my god!

Oh my god.

(haunting choir melody)

(Greg screams)

Oh, okay.

(Greg screams)

- All my friends and acquaintances are dead!

(Greg screams)

Man, who are you?

Why are you doing this?

No!

Stop!

No, stop, no!

Please don't!

No, please don't!

Please don't.

What are you doing?

Don't do this!

Don't do this!

Don't do this!

No, please don't!

Please don't!

Please don't.

Dude.

Dude, dude, you're not doing it right.

You gotta, you're pressing way too hard.

You just gotta hold it firm.

Hold it firm, but glide it with your wrist.

Use more wrist.

Glide.

Glide it.

Strike it.

Yeah.

No.

Make it count 'cause you're running out of matches.

Okay?

Come on.

Oop, there goes your match.

There's your last one.

You didn't get it.

(Greg laughs)

No.

Oh no.

No.

No!

No!

No!

(rock music)

♪ You are not my best friend times infinity ♪

♪ For realsies ♪

♪ I'm being serious ♪

- [Reporter] That was the scene last night

as a house in Long Island was burned to the ground.

Investigators found the bodies

of seven people believed to have been murdered.

This is the same house that had been the scene

of the Long Island Slashening just five years earlier.

So far authorities have no suspects.

- (singsong) Madison.

Madison.

How are you?

I heard the news.

- I'm fine.

No I'm not.

This just brings up a lot of bad memories, so.

- The past is the past, girl.

You can't keep living it.

Try living here.

Now.

You moved in two months ago and you still haven't unpacked.

- It's just really hard to let go.

- You wanna know why they called today the present?

Because.

(whispers) It's a gift.

- There might be someone who could maybe help.

- Welcome.

I'm Pat.

I see some new faces here.

And a few old friends.

But we're all here for one reason.

To heal.

Together.

And the first step in that process is sharing our stories.

To break the ice, I'll start.

I was one of the few survivors

of the Long Island Slashening.

I saw most of my friends brutally murdered,

had scalding hot water poured all over my face,

my left eye ripped out of my skull,

my penis severed and shoved in my mouth.

But I'm alive, dangit.

And I'm a better man for it.

- I'm Scott.

(chuckles nervously)

I've had some problems with substances and stuff like that.

My dad did too, so.

But now I'm learning how to channel

all that negative energy into my music.

It's great, man.

- I'm Link.

And yeah, life seemed pretty all right.

Or whatever.

And then one day I was like what if this is all a dream?

You know?

Like, how do we know what's really real?

Or not real.

And it's like whoa.

- So I'm Viv.

- And I'm Bex.

- And we're here by court order.

- For something stupid.

- So stupid.

- Vehicular homicide?

- It sounds like we killed a car.

- Yeah, instead of an old man who didn't know

how to look both ways before crossing the street.

- It's all Trent's fault.

- Fuck Trent!

- Fuck him hard.

- So hard.

- Trent dared us to go down on each other

while we were driving.

- Which is really hard to do.

- So of course we couldn't see where we were going.

- Duh!

- Duh!

- Trent should be the one going to these meetings.

Not us.

- Instead he's "in a coma".

- Lucky.

- He's so lucky.

- My dad's a lawyer and he fixed it

so instead of jail we had to go to counseling.

- We shouldn't have to do anything.

We said we were sorry.

- And we meant it.

- Your dad is a shitty lawyer.

- So shitty, I hate him.

- Now I personally have never felt any sort of grief.

Ever.

And that's just one of the privileges

of being a privileged cis white male.

But I understand that my kind has created

nothing but damage in this world.

Which is why I am here to understand.

And to listen and to be with you.

So ladies in particular.

If you ever need to talk, I've got two good ears.

And I'm not gonna listen to you.

No.

I'm gonna hear you.

Because that's the only way we're going

to make this world a better place.

By the way, I'm Dylan.

- I'm Cher.

And when I was six years old my family

was murdered on Christmas morning.

I found their bodies surrounded by presents.

Of which my sister got more than I did.

Anyway, no killer was ever found.

After that I spent four years at an orphanage

where I was picked on on a daily basis.

And then everyone there was murdered except for me.

In the same violent fashion as my family.

And after that, I just went from place to place,

unsolved murder after unsolved murder.

Until I met Pat.

You know, Pat really really helped me open up.

And he is the only person in this world that I don't hate.

And if anyone ever tried to hurt Pat, well.

I would.

I would, I would, I would...

I would take the Christmas lights off the Christmas tree

and I would strangle that person really tight.

And then I would hang 'em by the evergreen bell.

And then I'd take the tree and the star off the tree

and I would cut 'em from neck to naval and just

watch the blood just gushing down onto the carpet.

Or-

- Uh, Cher?

- Yeah?

- Cher.

- Oh yeah.

Sorry.

- I'm Ben.

My son...

I lost my son to an act of violence.

(dramatic music)

He was my world, he was my whole...

I'm not ready to do this right now, okay?

I'm not, I can't.

- Are you sure, dude?

- Sure of what?

- Like, are you sure that your son died?

Or like, that you ever even had a son?

You know, like what if you dreamed it?

You know, it's like perception is reality.

You know?

- Fuck.

You.

- Hey, why don't we move along?

- Hi, I am Madison.

I also have a history with the Long Island Slashening.

My dad owned a pizza place.

It was pretty successful.

It's fun, it's like a family thing.

And then one night he sent

a delivery boy out to deliver a pizza.

And the delivery boy did not come back

and dad just thought like okay,

he probably quit or something,

or like doesn't wanna work here anymore.

Whatever reason, he didn't come back.

So he sent out another delivery boy.

But then the same thing happened.

That boy didn't come back and so my dad

sent out another one and another one

until he had sent out his whole staff.

And all of them had been murdered.

And that was really hard for him.

He kind of fell into a really deep depression after that.

It kind of ruined him.

(dramatic acoustic melody)

One day I like came home early from school and.

(gunshot fires)

(loud ringing)

He angled it wrong, so it like went through his cheek.

But him kind of like missing

made him become even more depressed.

(Madison knocks)

(doorknob jiggles)

(knocking and jiggling)

(loud ringing)

He like went across the street instead of down the street.

So that actually gave me enough time to get

an ambulance to come and save him, save his life.

But I think that really made him hit rock bottom.

- Walked in on him trying to take

all of my UTI prescription meds.

But then one day.

- He hung himself?

- Sort of?

(sexual moaning)

Autoerotic asphyxiation had given him

a new love of life if you believe it or not.

So he actually wasn't depressed anymore.

He had really found like what made him happy.

- Ew. - Ew.

- Thanks, girls.

- Hey, Madison right?

- Yeah.

- Oh cool.

Just so you know.

If you ever want to talk about those feelings

that you were kind of getting into today

and grab a cup of coffee, I'm totally down.

- Oh, cool.

Thank you.

- Yeah, no problem.

Hey, great session.

- Oh, thanks.

- Yeah, see you.

- Bye.

- So not too bad, right?

- No, this place is great.

- Yeah, it used to be a methadone clinic

before they cleaned up the neighborhood

and now it's a place that helps people.

- It wasn't easy talking about my dad today.

- Yeah.

- So, hey, if you want to go grab coffee

and talk about some more of those feelings-

- Fuck off!

- But I'm glad I did.

- Great session.

- Yeah, you know, talking helps.

Without a great support system I don't know

how I would've ever gotten over my, you know.

- Castration.

- Yeah.

- And losing your eye.

- Also yeah.

- So ladies, what are you up to later?

Do you wanna-

- Fuck off! - Fuck off!

- All right, great session.

I'll see you next week.

- Anyway, I feel like we're kind of bonded in a way.

Both affected by same tragedy, you know?

- Right.

Yeah, I guess we are.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- If you ever need to talk even outside of the group,

you know, you can always give me-

- Pat!

I'm feeling emotional.

Comfort me now.

- Oh yeah, of course.

Right away.

Hey, talk later?

- Yeah, I'd appreciate that.

- Great.

- Thanks.

- Hey.

- Oh hey.

- My band's playing a show tonight if anybody wants to come.

It'd be great to see you there.

- Oh, cool.

Cool.

- All right.

- All right.

Bye.

See you.

(foreboding music)

- So what's good with your rock star?

- I don't know.

He seems nice.

Very sweet.

Very sweet.

- So you gonna hit up his show?

- I don't know.

I mean there's so many things going on in my head right now.

I don't know if I'm ready for boys just right now-

- All of it, Madison.

All of it.

- What?

- All your pain, all your love.

All your fears.

Locked up in this jar.

And that jar is your heart.

You just need to find the right man

go ahead and open up that jar for you.

(crowd chatter)

- Oh man, I am so pumped for this show.

I'm the biggest Joe head in the world.

How many of their shows have you been to?

- This is my first one.

- Wow.

Prepare to be blown away.

They're starting.

- [Lead Singer] Thank you.

(acoustic guitar melody)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Come on now, hey hey everyone ♪

♪ Everybody, everyone ♪

♪ Everyone hey, come on now hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey hey hey hey, hey hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

- Everybody uke!

(ukulele solo)

- Brought my own uke.

- What?

Oh.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

(audience applauds)

- Go Scott!

- Yes!

(ominous sting)

- Hey.

- Hey.

- That was really great.

- Aw, thank you so much for coming.

- Of course.

- I hope you had fun.

- Yeah, I did.

- Sweet.

If you want to download some of our music it's all online.

- Oh, cool.

- We got a couple EPs, yeah.

- Yeah, I'll definitely do that.

That sounds great.

- Actually, if you're interested

I could give you a discount code.

- Yeah.

Yes, yeah.

- Cool.

- That would be great.

Thank you.

- Great.

- Great.

Okay.

I should probably go.

- Yeah, I gotta go too 'cause my band.

My band, it's all packed up.

- Yeah, gotta get packed.

I'll see you-

- I'll see you at the meeting.

- I'll see you at the meeting.

- See ya.

- Okay, see ya.

- Oh no no wait!

I actually, this is a shirt of my band.

For you, yeah.

- Thank you.

That's really nice.

Cool, I'll see you tomorrow, so.

- Yeah, see you tomorrow.

- Okay.

Bye.

- Hey Scott.

- Yeah.

- You ready to go?

- Yeah.

No, actually I forgot my uke.

You guys go ahead.

I'll catch up to you, okay?

- Okay.

(ominous music)

- Oh, my lucky uke.

(music intensifies) (Scott screams)

My uke!

- [Dylan] There's some nights I don't get any sleep at all.

I'm just up all night just looking

at pictures of the two of us.

(low ringing)

I can stare at a picture for hours, it seems like.

I just don't get tired of it.

I mean in a way I don't even know why I do it.

I mean it's not like there's any place

I look that I don't see him.

- It's weird, right?

That Scott isn't here?

'Cause he said he would be.

- Maybe he just overslept.

You know how crazy that rock and roll lifestyle is.

- Okay.

(dramatic sting)

Or maybe he just didn't want to be around you.

- Maybe Scott never really existed.

And is just part of our collective dream world.

- Shut up.

- Okay.

- Hey, it's seriously so cool of you

to come chill with me, man.

I am always asking people to do DMT with me.

And they're always like "Shut the fuck up, Link.

"Fuck off and die, Link.

"Hey Link, you know I have a history of drug addiction.

"Why don't you stop asking me to get high with you?"

And it's like, it's that sort of uptight perspective

that needs to experience DMT the most, you know?

And it's like DMT is inside every living thing.

It's like sucking your own dick, man.

You know?

I mean it's a part of us.

It's just natural.

Plus people have been doing DMT for like forever.

The Egyptians, the Aztecs, the Mongols.

Like all the chillest civilizations throughout history.

They all did DMT.

Until, you know, the 1950s.

When the CIA.

And the FBI.

Hoo boy.

They come along and they make it illegal.

Because they know if people's eyes are open to the truth,

they're not gonna participate in this

bullshit make believe capitalist economy.

Uh-uh.

They're not gonna buy Cadillacs.

They're not gonna wear a tie to their corporate job.

They're not gonna pay their own rent.

No way.

Not happening.

And here's the other thing.

All of this?

It's all a dream.

All of it.

And it is only.

When we smoke this.

That we truly experience reality.

(hip hop music)

(foreboding music)

Huh.

You know, this stuff might actually

be a little weaker than I initially thought.

'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm still dreaming.

(dramatic sting)

(grunted screaming)

This is no dream!

This is really happening!

My whole worldview is wrong!

So superficial!

Reality is real!

And it fucking sucks shit!

(glass shatters) (dramatic sting)

(ominous music)

(killer puffing)

- [Pat] To be honest, the Long Island Slashening,

while a very, very psychologically

traumatic event, did me some favors.

(loud ringing)

Do I miss having a penis?

No.

Because penises can't hug.

- Guys, guys, group therapy announcement.

Tonight my friend is putting on an art show

with this amazing feminist artist who is also a woman.

And we all know how important it is to not only

really enhance our local art scene, but especially

for women that are doing really strong feminist work.

So I can pretty much count on

all of you guys being there right?

- Fuck no.

- We have plans.

- To drink.

- And party.

- And dance.

- So fuck you.

- What?

Sorry, girls.

I guess you're not feminists or whatever.

But you guys are cool?

- Yeah.

- All right, just mention my name at the door.

You'll totally get in for free.

- Empowering.

- It's...

I want to say empowering?

- Empowering.

- Empowering.

- It's empowering.

- Empowering.

- Empowering.

- Empowering.

- Empowering. - Empowering.

- Empowering, yeah. - Empowering, yeah.

- And it's weird, I've always been

kind of a supporter of women in the arts.

You know, some of my favorite artists

are people like Sophia Delacroix.

You know, that's a woman.

Anne Bennington.

Margarita Munoz.

Isabella Rosinante.

Those are all women.

And that's cool.

- This is more an expression

of femininity or vulvic strength.

Which a lot of men find intimidating.

Not me, other men.

- It's just so rare that we get

to let women speak, you know?

- Yeah, and-

- And I just think that's so important that this woman

was able to speak and express herself.

You know what I mean?

- So this looks like a flower.

But it's actually a female vagina.

- So what this is really is an examination

of the traditional roles of women.

But it's also a subversion of those roles.

It really speaks to the truth that is

the power of our patriarchal society.

- Well this is a really nice space.

- Well it used to be a Dominican church.

Back before they cleaned the neighborhood up.

Now it's a place where we can all peacefully

come together, congregate, and learn.

Oh hey!

Everybody, this is Dannon.

She's the one behind the show.

Hello.

- Oh please, I merely just organized the thing.

All the credit really goes to this amazing artist.

Everyone, this is Crystal Bluu.

- Wow.

Your work is amazing.

- Yeah, it really is.

- Very very powerful.

- I can't even.

There are no words.

- I just like drawing snatch.

- [Dannon] Our Crystal here's a bit of an outside artist.

- Yeah, I was drawing snatch and like

sculpting snatch and collaging snatch

and people were like you should sell that shit.

And I was like yeah, I should.

And honestly, it's more fulfilling

than tugging guys off at Alley Cat's.

- Well I'm really glad you found your calling.

- I just love snatch.

(techno music)

Oh shit, this is my song!

- She's a bit of a free spirit.

- Is she undressing?

- Probably.

She's doing burlesque.

- [Crystal] No, I'm stripping.

- Shut your mouth.

Shut up.

- You know, this is really empowering for women because-

- [Crystal] I'm a dirty slut!

- Oh fuck.

- Whoa, you're not leaving.

Oh my god, this is art!

- I'm hard because of how she's owning her sexuality.

It's not because of her big titties.

- Well I have to assume that it's getting pretty late.

- Yeah, very late.

- Yeah, I'm doing a thing in the morning.

- This was great though.

- So great.

- To see your work.

- Thank you.

Let's go.

- Fuck it, I'm leaving too.

(chainsaw revving)

(knife stabbing)

(art show perv gurgling)

- Hey, don't you guys wanna see my snatch?

- No!

- Yes!

- No!

- Yes!

- No!

- [Bex] Yes!

- Stop!

- I hate it when you two fight about politics.

- It's so divisive.

- You're right.

We're all friends here despite

our differing opinions on Palestine.

- Hey, let's agree to disagree.

- [Party Girls] Friends!

- Excuse me.

Ladies, closing time was 15 minutes ago

and I really need to lock up.

- But we're not finished with our wine yet.

- Okay.

When you ordered it I told you we'd be closing soon

and that you'd have to hurry up.

- I'm sorry that we as paying customers are enjoying

the beverages that we purchased in your bar.

- Yeah, sorry we're not just

sucking it down like it's malt liquor.

- What the-

- I guess I'll just have to write a review.

- I'll write one too.

- Let's all write reviews.

- [Blonde Girl] How do you spell "rudest bartender ever"?

- C-U-N-

- Fine!

Fine.

You ladies finish your drinks.

While I go in the back and clean up or something.

- Thank you!

- Some people.

- Do not let her ruin our fun.

- This is our night.

- [Girls] Our night!

- Let's take it back.

♪ Listen up, girls ♪

- Yes!

Oh my god.

♪ It's time we take care of number one, baby ♪

♪ You better check yourself ♪

♪ Before you leave this house tonight ♪

♪ 'Cause we going out ♪

♪ Shit, here we go ♪

♪ Brows on fleek, check it check it ♪

♪ Hair on fleek, check it check it ♪

♪ Nails on fleek, check it check it ♪

♪ Shoes on fleet, check it check it ♪

♪ Ass on fleek, check it check it ♪

♪ Twerk them cheeks, check it check it ♪

♪ I'm coming in hot, don't care won't stop ♪

♪ Y'all feel me ♪

♪ Stepping out in the club ♪

♪ We about to get drunk ♪

♪ Ordering drinks every hour ♪

♪ Can I get a little bit sour ♪

♪ Bouncing my booty on the floor ♪

♪ Always screaming, you're begging me for more ♪

♪ Throw them up, hands high ♪

♪ Sucking my ass like a drive-by ♪

♪ I'm here an I want it, want it ♪

♪ Whip my braids and I flaunt it, flaunt it ♪

♪ I'm taking names like I own it, own it ♪

♪ Toss them back like a Donna, Donna ♪

♪ Make them wet like a sauna, sauna ♪

♪ Don't cry for me, I'm your mama, mama ♪

♪ Any minute they gonna tell me I'm too hot for this place ♪

♪ I'm fierce and I'm black ♪

♪ Keeping it tight, keeping it tight ♪

♪ I'm fierce and I'm black ♪

♪ With dynamite, dynamite bitch ♪

♪ I'm fierce and I'm black ♪

♪ You know what I mean ♪

♪ You know what I mean, bitch ♪

♪ I'm fierce, fierce, fierce ♪

♪ I'm fierce and I'm black, bitch ♪

(girls screaming)

(gurgling)

(woman sobbing)

- (sobs) No.

No, no please.

(song playing on phone)

(Viv labored breathing)

- Help!

Mom!

Mom, dad!

Somebody is trying to kill me!

- [Dad] Now why would they do that, Bex?

- For no reason at all!

- [Dad] Honey, we can't constantly

be handling everything for you all the time.

At some point you need to be a grownup.

Take care of yourself.

- I don't know how!

- [Dad] Okay baby, I'll handle this.

And there, I just transferred $2,000 to your bank account.

Will that help?

- No.

- [Dad] 4,000?

- No.

- [Dad] Maybe 6,000?

- Maybe?

(Bex screams) (knife stabbing)

- [Dad] Okay, let's make it eight then.

(phone dings)

(ominous music)

- All right look, you had...

Oh shit!

- This is just terrible.

Let's take a moment to remember Viv and Bex.

(dramatic music)

Would anyone like to share a memory?

- I remember one day we went to the park to get ice cream.

And the sunshine hit your eye in such a beautiful way.

I'll never forget it for as long as I live.

- That is a great memory.

Although I meant a memory about Viv and Bex.

- Oh, fuck them.

They sucked and everybody hated them.

- Admittedly, Viv and Bex were difficult to get close to.

But we must have empathy for everyone.

Not just people who are nice or polite or have some shred

of basic human decency buried within their bodies.

- I'm outraged.

Somebody saw two smart, strong-willed women

who didn't conform to what society deemed appropriate.

And some scared little man decided to go and kill them.

- It was a woman that killed them.

- Oh, of course.

A woman who had internalized so much misogyny

that she acted according to the will of man.

I mean, because that's what we do.

We pit woman against woman in order to create a chaos-

- if you don't shut the fuck up

I'm gonna internalize my fist into your ass.

And not in the fun sexy way like I would do for you, Pat.

But in the violent way where I'd pull out your intestines

and then I'd squeeze the shit into your mouth,

making you digest your shit, and then take a shit

into your own mouth again in an endless shit-eating cycle.

Because fuck you!

- Okay.

I can sense that tensions are running a bit high here,

so I went ahead and scheduled a self-defense class

for the women and I think all the ladies

should go ahead and take it.

I think we've learned that the neighborhood

has made some progress, but there's still

an unsavory element, so I think this would make

everybody feel just a little bit safer.

- All right all right all right all right!

Ladies and other genders, will you gather around please?

Okay.

Now after today's lesson, you will never again

need to fear for your safety.

Instead, you will only need to fear

for the safety of anyone who threatens you.

Now while I have you here, I'm gonna need

you all to bow your heads and show respect

to your Grandmaster, K.M. Swartz!

Don't clap, bow.

Bow to your sensei.

- Listen carefully.

If a man attacks you.

You punch him in the dick.

It's as simple as that.

And it hurts.

- What if your attacker is a woman?

- If your attacker is a woman.

Punch her in the twat.

I think that hurts also.

(scattered agreement)

Now the meter's running in my rickshaw.

I have to depart.

Shalom.

- Shalom.

- No refunds.

I do mean no refunds.

- You live and you learn.

I learned that you shouldn't trust that somebody

is a self-defense expert just because you found

their flyer on a bulletin board in a coffee shop.

Stupid Pat.

Anyway, silver lining.

Tonight is the third annual Spoon-A-Thon.

Yeah.

In case you've been living under a rock,

the Spoon-A-Thon is a big get together

where people gather and spoon each other.

Nothing sexual.

Just a way for people to feel the comfort

and warmth of a relationship without any

of the negative aspects of the relationship

like lust or making your partner orgasm.

Anyway, I think it's something that we all need right now.

I hope to see you there.

- I'm just so lost.

- No, there's no such thing as lost.

Wherever you are is where you are.

- But I'm 23.

And I don't know where I'm going.

- There's only one direction you can go.

Look.

Forward.

- (sobs) I don't know who I am anymore.

- You are you.

And that's all anyone can be.

- Oh fuck this!

Fuck this!

Every time I need to take a shower

the two of you are in here talking, okay?

Use the fucking living room!

We have a couch for a reason!

We all split it!

We all pay for it!

Go sit on it!

- Fuck you! - That was rude!

- I hope every member of your family dies today!

- This is where I feel safe! - Today!

- I hope they pass away today! - Everyone in your life today!

- (chuckles) Good man, good man.

- Pat!

This turnout is amazing!

- It's the most we've ever had.

- Yeah, this place is huge.

- Yeah, it used to be a rec center for at-risk youth.

Back before they cleaned up the neighborhood.

And now it's just a place for people

who need something positive in their lives.

Plus they do burlesque on Tuesdays.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey Ben.

- How's it going, man?

- So glad you could make it.

- Look, I can't stay too long.

I think I'm a little old for this kind of thing,

but I just wanted to come for some moral support.

- I really appreciate that.

- All right, gotcha.

- Hey, good to see you.

- Good to see you.

- Pat, you like really know how to connect with people.

- I just try to make people's lives a little bit better.

- Yeah.

- Hey.

- Oh shit.

My phone is about to die.

- Oh, I have a charger in my bag.

Feel free.

Help yourself.

- Oh, thank you so much.

- Hey.

(chuckles) Get in here.

No, side pocket!

(dramatic sting)

I can explain.

Madison no!

(suspense music)

Madison!

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

Just a misunderstanding with Madison.

- Why are you so obsessed with her?

- What?

I'm not.

Like anybody else, she's just somebody I'm trying to help.

- I see the way you look at her.

- What?

I don't have a way that I look at her.

- Why not me?

- What?

- Pat, I think about you all the time.

I'm the girl you should want, me!

- I had no idea.

I never realized.

- Well now you do.

So why not do something about it?

- In case you haven't noticed, I'm pretty tied up

with the Spoon-A-Thon right now.

- They'll be fine without you.

Come on.

- Uh...

- Hi everyone.

Everyone, hi.

Thank you.

Come on.

Come on up.

Hi, hello, hi.

Yes.

Thank you all so much for coming out

to this year's annual Spoon-A-Thon!

This event is a great way to make physical contact

without the grossness and scariness of sex!

Okay, let's partner up.

Everybody gets spooning!

Yes!

(fingers snapping)

Welcome.

Hi guys.

- [Dylan] Hi.

(sensual music)

- Well?

- Cher, there's something I need to show you.

- Pat?

- I carry this around with me to remind me

of the day that I was attacked.

Any time I feel sad or weak I pull it out and I say.

You hold no power over me.

I'm not afraid of you.

I control my fear.

I control it!

So that's how I'm so well-adjusted.

But now Madison saw it and now I think

that she thinks that I'm the killer.

- Pat, I understand.

Now I have something I need to show you.

My rad titties.

Don't look away, Pat.

Gaze upon my hot ass knockers.

Watch them sway up and down, side to side.

Yes, I know you want them.

And I want you.

- [Pat] Okay.

(sensual music)

♪ That ol' cat has got you tight, oh yeah ♪

♪ You pretend that she's your love ♪

♪ While smashing her between the thighs ♪

- Pat, it's time to face your fears.

♪ I had a thought I was your sex toy ♪

♪ Fuck, I want you to sex me ♪

♪ I'll ride you 'til the cops are called ♪

♪ You'll feel wet inside of these walls ♪

♪ I'll be anything ♪

♪ Tonight I'll be Madonna ♪

♪ I'll act like you're my first time ♪

♪ Then like a virgin I will make you mine ♪

- Don't be scared.

♪ This old dog just hates to see you cry all day ♪

♪ Come inside my empty room ♪

♪ Where story time has just begun ♪

♪ You and I create the fun ♪

- Wait, are you sure that you consent to this?

- Yeah bitch!

♪ Fuck, I want you to sex me ♪

- And that's the book I want to write.

- [Dylan] Wow, you are so fascinating.

Don't ever let any man tell you that you aren't.

- Is that your penis?

- [Dylan] Yes.

You are so observant.

Sorry I didn't ask if it was okay to pull my dick out.

I didn't want to make you do

the emotional labor of telling me no.

But don't worry, I'm not going to try to do

"just the tip" or anything that men would try to do.

Honestly, until we have a woman president,

I don't think men should be allowed to penetrate vaginas.

(Cher moans and laughs)

- Oh Pat!

Yes Pat!

Oh god yes!

Give it to me!

- Did you get it?

Did I do okay?

(dramatic music)

- You were wonderful.

Now it's your turn.

- Oh.

Seeing you happy, that makes my heart cum.

That's good enough for me.

- No Pat.

You deserve this.

- It's just that since I had my penis severed,

it might be jarring when I take these boxer shorts off.

- Oh Pat.

I love you.

I love all of you no matter what.

- Okay.

(ominous sting)

- You're beautiful.

How do I do this exactly?

- Am I a nice guy?

- [Cher] What?

- Like, am I a nice guy?

- Yeah Pat, you're the nicest guy I've ever met.

- Tell me how nice I am.

- You're so nice.

- Yeah?

- Really nice.

You're really nice, Pat.

- Keep talking like that.

- You're my nice guy.

Pat is.

- You love it when I'm nice to you huh?

- I love it when you're nice to me.

- Yeah, you fucking needed that niceness.

- I need that niceness all over me.

- Oh yeah, you need that respect?

- [Cher] I need that respect.

- Have you ever been respected by a guy like me before?

- [Cher] No, never.

You're my first.

You're my first nice guy.

- Yeah.

- [Cher] You're so nice.

- Tell me how nice I am!

- Really nice.

- Tell me how nice!

- You're super nice!

- Tell me again.

Tell me I'm nice!

(Pat moans loudly)

Oh my god.

- Yeah.

- That was incredible.

- You're good, yeah.

Let me go get you a towel.

- Okay.

I'm a little worried, we didn't use protection though.

Whatever you decide.

Keep it, abort it.

Your body, your choice.

(Pat screams)

(Cher screams)

- My testicles!

(Pat screams)

- No Pat, no!

Pat!

No!

Not my Pat!

- [Dylan] I'm just going to place my penis

between your butt cheeks.

Just kind of hotdogging it.

(distant stabbing)

- What was that?

- [Dylan] Hey hey hey.

Don't be rude.

I'm trying to hear all about your hopes and dreams.

You want to make vintage clothes

or write a book or something?

- I wanna write a book about vintage clothes.

- [Dylan] That's so amazing and brilliant.

(moans) I fully support you.

(suspense music)

(killer screams)

(Cher screams)

- [Killer] What the fuck?

- [Dylan] You are a queen.

A true queen.

Could you do me a favor and not mention to anyone

that I shot a load down your ass crack?

What if I promise to do better?

(ominous music)

- Thank you.

(Cher screams)

(eerie music)

- Oh my God, Kim.

I think.

I think Pat might be a murderer.

I found a mask in his bag and it is

the exact same type that the killer wore

and I think that might be why people

have been disappearing from group.

And I am just really, really scared.

Should I go to the police?

I don't know.

Kim, what do you think?

Kim?

Kim!

Kim, no stop!

Kim please!

Pat, why are you doing this?

- Oh what the shit.

Guys, I gotta get ready to work a night shift, okay?

While apparently none of you have jobs.

(suspense music)

(angry roommate choking)

(Madison breathing heavy)

(dramatic sting)

(Madison gasps)

(music intensifies)

(synth music)

(killer chuckling)

(cartoonish laughing)

(loud whacking)

(second killer groaning)

(music intensifies)

(violent stabbing)

(third killer gurgles and whimpers)

(eerie music)

(loud ringing)

- Everyone.

Let's give Madison a warm welcome.

- [Killer Group] Hi Madison!

(heart beating)

- We're so happy you could be here.

- What's happening?

Ben?

Why?

- My son Jared.

He was such a good kid.

He was paying his way through community college.

Working nights.

Delivering pizza.

And then one night he went on a delivery.

And he never came back.

And he wasn't the only one.

- My brother.

- My stepson.

- My fiance.

- My best friend.

- The father of two of my children.

- My bunkmate from boot camp!

- The news reports went on and on about the tragedy.

That was the deaths of those poor little rich girls.

But when it came to the people that we cared about?

That we loved?

Well they turn their deaths into a joke.

I literally heard police officers saying things like.

"Hey, how many delivery boys does it take

"to deliver a pizza to a murder house?

"How many, I don't know!

"Apparently it's more than 20!"

Hurtful, hurtful things.

- I do think a lot of it is in the delivery of the joke.

If it's-

- Shut up!

There's some things you don't joke about!

I joined that therapy group.

To kill Pat.

So imagine my surprise.

When he led us to you.

So if we can't get back at Papa Santangeli?

Murdering you.

Well that's the next best thing.

- Okay, but then why did you kill

all the other people from the group?

They were innocent.

They didn't do anything.

- Why?

Because I am tired of listening

to 20-something narcissists go on and on

about the trials and tribulations

of trying to make it in the big city!

You're not the protagonist of this story, Madison.

We are.

And you know what?

For once, it's the stories of the working class

that are gonna be told.

- Our dad died a few years ago.

He had to work three jobs to help mom pay the bills.

It was just a temporary gig while he learned to code.

- He was delivering pizzas to help us

save up for an above ground pool.

- We were gonna open up a vape shop.

- With him dead, and my other ex

getting sent to prison for check fraud,

nearly 60% of my kids are being raised fatherless!

- We got matching tattoos back in the Corps.

When we'd put our shoulders together,

it would read "semper fidelis".

Without him, I just got a tattoo that reads per.

And delis.

Health insurance doesn't cover laser tattoo surgery.

(tattooed killer crying)

(somber music)

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

It's so sad.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Madison.

It's time for you to meet your friends in Hell.

Where's my claw?

Guys.

Come on, is no one paying attention to my claw?

(dramatic sting)

Oh, thank you.

- Punch them in the dick.

(killers screaming)

(chainsaw stalling)

- Start!

- [Male Killer] Holy shit.

- [Female Killer] My twat.

- Start!

No.

Come on.

(Madison screams)

- Per.

Delis.

(suspense music)

(Madison screams)

(Madison grunting)

(chainsaw revving)

(Madison screams)

(Ben groans)

- The people will rise up.

Our voices will be heard.

- I'm so sorry.

But nobody wants to see stories about poor people.

(dramatic sting)

- [Crew Member] Speed!

- [Director] All right, ready?

And action.

- Anyway, I think it's something

that we all need right now, so.

♪ I am fierce ♪

♪ And I am black ♪

- [Crew Member] Pat, turn and look at Madonna.

(group laughs)

♪ I am fierce and I am black ♪

- Drip it, drip drip.

♪ I am fierce and I am black ♪

♪ Said I am fierce and I am black ♪

- [Director] She's seducing ya.

All right, everybody ready?

And cut.

(group laughs)

♪ I'm black, bitch ♪

♪ Bitch ♪

♪ Bitch ♪

- Oh, so we're doing it?

- [Director] Yeah.

- Oh.

And don't forget the twat.

Wait, no.

♪ 'Cause I am fierce and I am black ♪

♪ Yeah I am fierce and I am black ♪

♪ I am fierce and I am black ♪

♪ I whip my braids ♪

♪ I flaunt it, flaunt it ♪

♪ I'm taking names ♪

♪ Like I own it, own it ♪

♪ I'll toss them back ♪

♪ Like a Donna, Donna ♪

♪ I'll make them wet ♪

♪ Like a sauna ♪

♪ Don't cry for me ♪

♪ I'm your mama, mama ♪

♪ Any man ain't gonna tell me ♪

♪ Listen up girls, are you with me ♪

♪ It's time to take care of number one ♪

♪ You better check yourself before you leave this house ♪

♪ 'Cause we're going out ♪

(jug blowing solo)

(Pat gasps)

- I!

Still!

Live!

(Pat laughs maniacally)

(rock music)