Original subtitles

According to Vacationing Single,

the ratio of men to women in Alaska is fifty to one.

And the nights are six months long.

What does that mean? On Saturday nights,

I could sit in my igloo watching Dr. Quinn for what, 3,000 times?

I think Mr. Sheffield would really like you to come with him

when he takes the children to Hawaii.

You know, it's always the same thing.

Dancing in the moonlight, walking on the beaches,

then falling into bed wrapped in each other's arms.

Since when?

Since Gracie doesn't like to sleep alone.

Miss Fine, what would you think about a five mile hike

up a mountain in Maui,

and then a helicopter ride over an active volcano?

Throw in a barium enema and I'm there.

Miss Fine, how do you propose to pay for your trip to Alaska,

when you told me to lock all your credit cards up in the safe?

I'm sorry. I tuned out after you said "propose."

I'm not giving your cards back. You made me promise.

I'll call them and I'll tell them that I lost my cards,

and then they'll have to send me new ones.

But to prove who you are, you'll have to give them

your full name and your date of birth.

You think you're so smart, don't you?

I lied on the application too.

She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed That the girl we described

Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling -Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling -Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

Franny, you should go to Hawaii.

The last time I was there, they had this fantastic air show.

The sky was full of planes, and the fireworks!

Did that happen to take place in December, 1941?

Yeah.

I remember the whole shebang was for Hanukkah.

I'll get it.

Oh, it's Val.

-Hi, Val. -Hi.

-What's the matter? -Oh, my God, Fran!

You're not watching The Young and the Restless?

Relax. I'm taping it.

I like to watch Jack Abbott doing a love scene

while I'm eating a pizza.

That way Jack and I can finish at the same time.

-You gotta watch it now. -Why?

Jack Abbott's doing a love scene with a certain tramp from high school.

Heather Biblow?

What? There weren't enough guys left in Queens?

She's got to start sleeping with fictional characters?

Yeah. And not only is she making tons of money,

but she has an unbelievable beach house in Malibu.

-My God, how do you know this? -How?

She sent me a letter.

"Not only am I making tons of money,

but I have an unbelievable beach house in Malibu."

Why does she get all the breaks? She gets my fiancé, my job.

Now she's on my favorite soap opera. I hate that back-stabbing low life.

And she's offering to fly us to Hollywood.

And yet, there is something endearing about her.

You girls want Haagen-Dazs bars?

-Sure. -Yeah.

Thanks.

Aren't you having any?

I've gotta watch my figure. I can't let myself go.

It's so sweet of you girls to still be my friends,

with me having all this and you having nothing.

Now, Heather, you're the sweet one,

flying us out here first class just to rub it in our faces.

You're gonna have to entertain yourselves this evening,

because I have a lot of lines to memorize.

Maybe we can help you with that.

-How many lines have you got? -Four.

In a row?

No. That's the confusing part.

First, I say something, then he says something

and then I say something again.

What a nightmare.

Let me ask you something, Heather.

Who did you have to-- I mean, what did you have to do to get this part?

Nothing. This cute guy came down to me at the beach and he asked me,

"Hey, do you wanna be in television?"

I thought he was BS-ing me. I thought he wanted to get me in the sack.

-Yeah. -So I gave him my number.

It turns out that he's legit. I can't tell you how disappointed I was.

I still don't understand

why Miss Fine would pass up a trip to Hawaii.

Four-star hotel, private beach.

Sharing a room with Miss Grace.

Is that what the problem is? She doesn't like Gracie?

Well, I'm gonna have to have a word with that young lady.

Oh, God, is there a bigger buffoon in this world?

Got here as fast as I could.

I am appalled that Nanny Fine would leave Maxwell in the lurch like this.

Luckily, I am available.

I was supposed to go to Scottsdale to visit my grandmother.

But as long as they keep that plug in, where's she going?

Well, I suggested you,

but Mr. Sheffield wanted someone easier to look at in a bikini.

Aloha.

The hotel has the private beach. Look what I'm gonna wear.

That's it.

Hello, ladies. May I help you?

Wow, you're Larry from Three's Company.

-What? -That can't be him.

Larry's much younger. I just saw the show yesterday.

Val, this is why you lost at Wheel of Fortune with "Lawrence of Aruba".

So, what happened, Larry? You were a huge TV star.

What are you, Diane freaking Sawyer?

Just tell me who do you wanna see?

Heather Biblow, of The Young and the Restless.

Through the artist entrance, make a right,

check in at reception with Erin Moran.

Erin Moran too? My God, they're here today, gone tomorrow.

That's a reason not to be a sitcom star.

I can't talk now. I'm with the president of the network.

Mr. Moonves, they wanna schedule another casting session.

Why? They keep sending me the same people.

I just want a fresh face. All she has to do is walk and talk.

-She's cute. How about her? -What about me?

Keep looking.

Joanie Cunningham said that The Young and the Restless

was somewhere right around here.

Oh, my God! Taylor and Maggie from The Bold and the Beautiful.

We must be getting close.

Hi, Taylor. Hi, Maggie.

-Hi. -Hi.

You guys must be playing the hookers, right?

Yeah, that's right. Great costumes.

Yeah. Thanks

Jeanne Cooper.

Oh, my God, we must be at ground zero.

My mother is such a huge fan of yours.

Thank you. That's very sweet.

You know, when you had your actual face lift televised,

she was nauseous for weeks.

-She lost 14 pounds. -Yeah.

-Tell him. -He's got his shirt on.

Hello. I'm Fran Fine from Soap Opera Digest.

Malcolm, would you mind taking a picture with your shirt off?

No problem, ladies.

Come on now, admit it. You guys are not from Soap Opera Digest.

Then how come you're taking your shirt off?

Did you give him a quarter?

Nicholas, take a picture. Take a picture of Nicholas.

-But it's from the back. -That's his best side, honey.

So many celebrities. Can you believe this?

This hallway's better than the lido deck on the Love Boat.

-Nikki! -Oh, Nikki.

Oh, my God! Nikki, we love you so much.

You are such an inspiration for me. She started out a stripper.

And ended up marrying the wealthiest man in the town.

-You are a role model for me. -Well, thank you.

You know, you're not the first stripper to tell me that.

First, they think I'm a hooker. Now I'm a stripper.

-I'd better get this dress in every color. -Yeah.

This is so exciting.

It's better than Gabe Kaplan ringing us up at the commissary.

I know.

Oh, my God!

Val, this is it. We're here.

The Young and the Restless.

Excuse me.

Would you mind waiting over by the food table?

Sure, honey. We aim to please.

Oh, my God. Jack Abbott.

Heather's gonna do a love scene with Jack Abbott.

Action.

Shantal, we can't. If Victor finds out, he'll kill both of us.

-It's my turn to talk, right? -Cut.

At least I knew it was my turn.

We'll just start over one more time, right from the beginning. Okay?

Action!

Jack, I don't think we should have gotten on this plane.

Are we on a plane?

We were on a plane yesterday, remember?

We sat in first class and you said, "I can't ride this horse."

Here. Let's take a five.

Heather, for you that's a whole hand.

You were really good.

-You're just saying that. -No. Amazingly, she's not.

Heather, you know, we can help you learn your lines.

Yeah. Fran's great. She helped me memorize my license plate.

That's right.

111...

V...

A....

L, Val!

Fran, are you sure you can help me?

What's your first line?

Either she goes or I go.

But Peter, who on earth are we gonna find

who can take her place on such short notice?

Jack, I don't give a damn about Victor.

I love you.

That girl.

Miss Fine, you're telling me that you've taken a job on a soap

and you're not coming home?

Of course I'm shocked. They gave you a speaking part?

Miss Fine, does this mean you're never coming back?

Never coming back.

Never coming back.

Never coming back.

Good morning, Maxwell.

Good morning, Mrs. Sheffield.

Of course I'll tell Mr. Sheffield. I expect him any moment.

Goodbye.

Nanny Fine's never coming back.

Aloha. We're home. Miss Fine.

Hey, Fran.

Where's Fran? We got her all these presents.

I can't wait to show her this skimpy little bikini I got... her.

The children missed her terribly.

So, where is Miss Fine? I've got all these things to show her.

C.C., what's the matter?

I am just so happy.

Sir, how can I break this to you?

Miss Fine has taken a job on a soap opera, and she's not coming home.

What? A speaking part?

The furnishings are so gorgeous. Did you pick out these?

You know, I just feel so awful about taking your job, Heather.

I mean, it's breaking my heart.

What kind of a lease do you have on this place?

I mean, you can't afford it. Maybe I'll take it off your hands.

Fran, you're the best friend a girl could have.

I'm only thinking about you, Heather. White wine on these carpets.

Hello?

Yes, she is. Hold on one moment.

It's for you. Mr. Sheffield's on the phone.

He needs to speak to you right away.

Oh, boy, it's Mr. Sheffield. He is so lost without me.

This is gonna be totally pathetic. Let me put him on speaker.

Hello, Mr. Sheffield.

Miss Fine,

Niles tells me that you're staying in California to pursue an acting career.

That's right.

Well, I want you to know the house already feels very empty without you.

Miss Fine, I realize I can't persuade you to come back as the nanny,

so I'd like to propose...

that perhaps Miss Biblow would like to come back as your old job?

Heather and Mr. Sheffield?

-What do you say, Miss Biblow? -I do.

I spent all morning at the employment agency,

but I think I finally found Maxwell the perfect nanny.

There are a lot of stairs here. We might need to build a ramp.

Mr. Sheffield already hired someone. Miss Fine recommended her.

Fabulous. Someone from Rent-a-Yenta?

Guess again.

Cheese.

Miss Babcock, Nanny Biblow.

Niles, I'm expecting a call from Bill towel.... Powell.

-Hi, Mr. Sheffield. -Hello.

And let me know when Miss Babcock gets here, would you?

So, what would you like me to do?

As far as I'm concerned, your work here is done.

-So, did Miss Fine call? -Not yet, sir. You miss her?

Of course I bloody miss her.

And I'm not sure about Miss Biblow working here.

Just who exactly is this plan of yours supposed to benefit?

Nanny Biblow, I'm home.

This is so exciting.

I am an assistant to a genuine soap opera star.

Yeah.

What's the matter, boss?

Val, I'm just picturing Heather in that house,

parading around in front of Mr. Sheffield,

and I'm thinking this cannot be good.

-Places, everyone. Fran. -Okay. It's my turn.

I'd like to have you on the sofa here with Peter.

Okay. Now, start right at the top. Ready?

Here we go. And action!

Jack, I have wanted you since the first day I arrived in Genoa City.

Shantal, I am so glad you came into my life.

You've made me completely forget about the four years I wasted on Nan.

Cut!

-Cut. -I'm sorry.

Dear, if you can't remember your lines,

the next one you're gonna hear will be

"Doctor, how much time does she have?"

I get it.

-Okay. Here we go. -Sorry.

-Once more. -Sorry.

Action!

Jack, I keep thinking about you

and Heather, sitting on Mr. Sheffield's desk. I just--

Who?

-Who? -Cut.

-I'm so sorry. -Fran.

-I know. -You're making up words again, dear.

I know. I'm sorry. I just.... I have these personal problems.

Maybe you just need a little lunch.

Would you like some chicken or some fish?

Yeah. Okay. I'll do a little chicken.

All right.

Order her the chicken meal on American flight 426.

I'll go get the bags, boss.

We're in New York. You don't have to keep calling me boss.

Just go get the bags.

Can you tell me the next flight for Los Angeles, please?

Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?

Miss Fine.

Well... Niles told me you were returning from Los Angeles,

so I thought I'd come and pick you up.

That's very sweet, but I didn't tell Niles that I was coming home.

-Your mother? -Nope.

Val sent a fax?

Val sent a fax?

She can't even figure out why the cast of Cops keeps changing every week.

All right, Miss Fine. I was coming to Los Angeles to bring you home.

So, what are you doing here? What happened to your part on the soap?

Acting isn't for me. You know, they drive you nuts.

You do a breakfast scene, you gotta be in there with all that hair

and make-up in a bathrobe. It's so unrealistic.

-You were fired? -Yeah.

The southwest chicken on American Airlines was restaurant quality, I gotta say.

-Did everyone miss me? -Very, very much.

One person in particular.

Don't you ever leave me again.

Fran, we're so happy to have you back.

Heather could never fill your shoes.

She tried on my shoes?

No. Just my dress. She broke it.

I'm just so happy that everyone is so glad that I'm back.

Why?