Original subtitles

Happy Valentine's Day, sir. Did you decide what to get for Ms. Fine?

Yes, nothing.

You can't get her the same thing you got me.

I just thought it could be misconstrued if I got her something too personal.

So I found this very funny card.

On the front it says, "What rhymes with Cupid?"

Then you open it up and inside there's a mirror,

and it says, "Happy Valentine's Day, stupid."

-Ms. Fine, it's you. -No, it's not.

It's stupid.

Now, that's funny.

How could you?

It's Valentine's Day, the most romantic holiday

of the entire year.

I thought if I got you a sentimental card that said

you know, "I love you," you might go and misinterpret it.

Moi?

Well, it has been known to happen.

We wake up in bed together, you misinterpret it.

We end up naked in the Jacuzzi, you misinterpret it.

And then just because I asked you to marry me, you go...

Do shut up, you babbling British moron.

Well, I hope you don't misinterpret it if one morning you happen to wake up

and find a high heel in your butt.

I wish I'd never said I love you in the first place.

My whole nervous system just shut down.

I can't see. I cannot see.

All right. Go on. Go ahead, Niles. Fire away.

No, sir. It's not my place to say anything.

But a picture paints a thousand words.

She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed That the girl we described

Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling -Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling -Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

I'll get it.

-Hi, Ma. -Fran, I'm so glad you're home.

Yetta has lost her mind.

And?

She met a man and wants to get married.

Why? Are you pregnant?

I don't think so. But I'm really late.

Well, that makes her, Martha Raye and Eva Braun all married before me.

The guy is up to no good.

-He looks at her and sees dollar signs. -What, Ma?

He's making a deal with the Colombians to move her stash of digitalis?

She's got no money.

She gets $200 a month from Social Security.

What do you think he's after? Her flat tuchus?

She's just jealous because so many men are attracted to me.

Even my doctor says I got charisma.

That's arrhythmia, Yetta.

Come on, we're gonna go down to the bank

and make sure that the joint account she and I have

says, "Both signatures required."

Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe he's really attracted to her.

Yeah.

All right. Come on, Val will drive us.

What were you thinking of? The man is a baby.

He's 60 years old.

Sixty?

Yetta, he's not even back in diapers yet.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Two of him together would be closer to your age.

Not interested.

With two men, there's always jealousy,

performance anxiety.

What?

So now you know a little something about Nana.

Come on.

Look, a space right in front of the bank.

Wait a minute, Val. This is handicapped parking.

It's okay. You're in therapy. You're an emotional cripple.

No, no. Don't park illegally. It isn't nice.

Go over to that meter over there. Here.

Put this bag on it.

No, I'm just gonna wait in the car.

-You don't need to make a deposit? -I don't belong to this bank.

-Where do you put your money? -In a pig.

-You coat your chicken in peanut butter... -Oh.

...and then you roll it in stale crumbled ginger snaps.

And one, two, three, you've got Hawaiian chicken.

-And Daddy likes this? -No. He can't stand the sight of it.

And one, two, three, I'm eating lobster at the Seafood Broiler.

Good one, Ma.

-This is a hold up. -What?

What's the hold up? Some yenta's picking out designer checks.

All right, everyone on the floor.

No quick moves and no one gets in small unmarked bills.

My God, Ma, I can't believe we're in the middle of a bank robbery.

Poor, Mr. Sheffield. If I die, he is going to feel so guilty

about what he said. You know, this could work.

Will you please shut up?

He's not wearing a ring.

Ma, he's a thief.

Who's gonna be worth millions in a matter of minutes.

Maxwell, look, they're making Lost in Space into a movie.

I loved that as a child.

-I'm dating myself. -Dating yourself? That's pathetic.

Even you can do better than you.

This from a man who parties with PAM. As in, a can of.

You know, the next time you give your old clothes away,

why don't you just stay in them?

All right. That's it. I don't want you two in the same room ever again.

-Why? -Because I can't stand it anymore.

That's why.

-What? -This. This.

Oh, my God, something terrible happened.

-I just heard it on the news. -What? What happened, Yetta?

Wait a minute. I lost it.

Don't worry, Yetta. You told me in case you forgot.

Who are you?

Grace, just tell me what happened.

Fran and Sylvia are being held hostage in a bank robbery.

This is how you break bad news to an old woman?

Sir, this is horrible. What shall we do?

-Well, I have to go down there and help. -Of course.

The SWAT team and the FBI desperately need the producer

of Jelly's Last Jam on their side.

-Niles, start the car. -Yes, sir.

I can't believe I'm gonna die here.

My whole life is passing before my eyes.

Beautiful baby, most popular girl in high school.

Maid.

I'm thinking how pissed I am

I didn't eat that second blintz this morning.

You're not thinking about Daddy?

Yeah, who do you think ate it?

I'm sorry, but if you two can't please be quiet, I'm gonna have to gag you.

Please, would you?

You know, sir, I don't mean to tell you how to do a robbery or anything,

but, well, you really should have bought some spray paint

for those security cameras.

That's why I wore the ski mask.

It's not pulled down, is it?

I brought the wrong hat, didn't I?

I'm sorry.

-I don't even know your name. -I'm Leslie Tilbert.

-Nobody heard that, did they? -No, no.

He said Leslie Tilbert.

Your mother drove you to this, didn't she?

Actually, yes. I need the money to buy her a condo in Florida

so I can get her out of my life.

You know, I don't know what this is worth,

but I want you to take it with my blessings.

-Excuse me. Excuse us. -Sorry.

Could you let us through, please? Excuse me.

Miss Toriello, there you are. What do you know so far?

Well, he's single.

Divorced.

Who the hell cares.

-She must be in shock. -No, sir.

What you see is what you get.

I'm talking about Ms. Fine. How is Ms. Fine and her mother?

Well, so far it's quiet.

-Oh, my God, he's killed her. -No, sir.

Boy, I'm never gonna get out of this.

I should have gone to med school like my brother.

But I hate the sight of blood.

You hate the sight of blood.

Excuse me.

I'm a hippo-glycemic.

If I don't eat something soon, it may be fatal.

You're not gonna die.

She meant you.

-What should I do? -I'd order take-out.

You know, right across the street there's a Roy Rogers,

a Kenny Rogers and a Tony Roma's.

We call it the chazzer strip.

No, I'd like something light, like fettuccine Alfredo.

You know, deli's easier with a group.

You know, he's right. But do we want dairy or meat?

Because I could go either way.

Shut up!

We'll do deli.

What's going on in there? Is everyone all right?

We're okay.

That's one of the hostages on the megaphone.

That's no megaphone. That's my nanny.

Now, remember, only three or four ice cubes.

A martini is not a smoothie.

Well, when do we dip the gym sock in it for good luck?

-What? -That's how Niles makes yours.

-Hi, what's going on? -Hi, Yetta.

I don't wanna upset your sister.

So don't say anything about Fran and Sylvia being held hostage in the bank.

Oh, my God, that's awful. Are they okay?

Let's start over.

I don't wanna upset your sister.

Yetta, Yetta, Yetta.

-Look, is Fran all right? -The police are there. Don't worry.

-Well, how can we not worry? -Try one of these smoothies.

Oy, gevalt.

Am I crazy or does this prune Danish look exactly like Moshe Dayan?

Both.

It's like the cinnamon bun that looked like Mother Teresa.

We're gonna be rich. Mugs, T-shirts.

We'll go on David Susskind.

Yetta, your daughter and granddaughter are being held hostage

-in a bank. -What?

No. I mean, here's his list of demands.

He wants a limousine to the airport.

A private jet to Mexico.

And that Valentino dress in Bergdorf's window.

Thank you.

What?

They don't gotta know you're straight.

Hello.

It's Maxwell again.

Tell him I'm not here.

-Come on, just say hello. -No.

She doesn't wanna talk to you.

Well, I think she's feeling a little hurt right now, Max.

Tell him we're just sitting down to eat.

Okay. All right. I'll talk to you later, buddy. Bye-bye.

Fran, I'm so glad you're here. I'm totally screwing up this robbery.

I'm no good at anything.

What are you talking about?

You're doing a tremendous job.

Everybody is terrified of you.

Drop that pastrami.

You didn't wanna order.

You were too nervous to eat. Now, you deal with it.

Go around back and see if anybody from the SWAT team can get

a clear shot at him.

-Here you are, sir. -Niles, thank you so much.

Niles, may I confess something to you?

Well, I'm not a priest, sir,

but I'm this close to living the life of one.

I said something awful to Ms. Fine.

More awful than saying you were sorry

that you ever said you loved her in the first place?

You know, I ought to rip that bloody intercom out of the wall.

You promised you wouldn't listen in again.

Have a heart, sir. I quit for two weeks but I ballooned up to a 38 waist.

I mean, what if, God forbid,

anything should happen to Ms. Fine in there?

I just couldn't live with myself knowing

that those were the last words she ever heard from me.

Well, why don't you send her a card?

I'm all wound up, sir.

This is a tarte tatin.

Chocolate decadence.

And a lovely New York cheesecake.

What happened to the blueberry crumble?

That went very fast.

Gee, Fran, I'm sad this has to end.

You and me both.

You know, believe it or not, this isn't the worst date I've ever had.

You in there, we got you a limo.

My ride's here. I gotta go.

You wanna take a little something for the road?

-No, thanks, Sylvia. I'm full. -I'm talking about the money.

Is this a schmendrick?

Well you know, it's Friday. You're gonna hit all kinds of traffic.

Listen to me. You'll be smart.

Take the expressway to the Flatbush Circle exit.

Go around the circle and hang a right.

I thought you make a right half way around?

No. That's the way you go because you always stop

at that Mongolian barbecue place.

-And that's where you make the right. -You're wrong, Ma.

You'll never find it. We'll go with you.

Ma.

No, no. It's a great idea because I could use some cover.

Let's go. Come on, come on.

And still not the worst date I've ever had.

Ms. Fine! Ms. Fine, are you all right?

Mr. Sheffield, I'm not talking to you.

Ms. Fine, please, please, you have to listen to me.

There is nothing more to say.

I just think that it's really sad

that my abductor and I are closer than you and I will ever be.

Ms. Fine, I'm not sorry I told you

I love you.

-She said she doesn't want to talk to you. -Enough already.

Make your getaway and shut up.

Mr. Sheffield.

Ms. Fine.

Mr. Sheffield, I thought I'd never see you again.

Thank God you're all right.

Ms. Fine, I am so sorry I gave that you stupid card.

And I'm sorry that I cut up your good silk tie

to make Gracie's Barbie an evening gown.

-This could be the trauma talking. -Fran!

-Fran. -Val! Val!

-The bank robber took your mother. -Oh, my God,

that poor man.

Look at this, they're interviewing Ma on the news.

The pursuit ended abruptly when the bank robber made a wrong turn

and was apprehended in front of the Mongolian barbecue.

Sylvia Fine, one of the hostages, was with him.

Sylvia, can you describe it for us?

Honestly, it's a little fatty.

I think they're under new management.

I'll tell you, if I hadn't given him that shortcut to the airport,

Ma would in Mexico by now.

I'm gonna have to let go of that.

Hi, Mr. Sheffield. Wait a minute.

I have a Valentine's Day card for you.

-Ms. Fine, thank you. -Okay.

Look, two puppy dogs kissing.

"For Valentine's Day, I give you my heart

worm."

Heart worm?

It's a parasite.

Dogs get it all the time.

It's a joke.

What?

Well, it is a little impersonal, don't you think?

-What are you getting upset about? -We have known each other

for four years. I just feel--

Don't touch that intercom.

You have my word, sir.

Ms. Grace.

-Yes? -Would you push that button for me?

Thank you.